Wow! Very interesting; you skillfully leave the reader, me at least, wondering at the end just what happened to Jack.
Very nicely done!
You have a few grammar errors:
devil -- not positive, but I do think Devil should be capitalized
taunt stretched lips --should have comma between taunt and stretched
"The man had told Jack that he was three steps away from a heart attack and Jack was trying his best to hop in that direction as quickly as he could." -- need a comma between "attack" and "Jack." Independent clauses always need a comma between them; you have several of these errors.
I usually don't read fantasy works, so I'm not really qualified to judge on that aspect of your story. I can tell you that it seems to me your story is a little too full of action. It jumps around too much. Also consider moving the part about Gerrus' relationship with Gabriella to the beginning of the story, then lead into how her mother cursed him. I think that would work better than including that part after he was cursed.
A little confusion here:
"The young girl stared at him as she ran off screaming"-- wouldn't this necessitate her running backwards? How about, "The young girl screamed as she ran from his hideous face"? Or "The young girl stared at him, and then ran off screaming"
You have numerous spelling and grammar errors also. Here's a few of the more major ones:
1) The sorceress stared at the young couple as her hands turned to flames, "I'll teach him to never mess with my daughter again!" End the sentence after 'flames' and make your dialogue a separate, new sentence. There are several of these types of errors.
2)She smiled as she chanted an ancient incantation; the young man's body began to rip apart and she smiled at his hideous disfigurement.
"Maybe this will teach you some manners!" She smiled as she watched his skin melt off, leaving only a fiery skeleton in its place. --in this short piece, you use 'smiled' three times. Avoid using the same verb or adjective so close together. Find a synonym.
3)"You have been cursed for all of eternity creature!" --You need a comma after eternity. Always separate a term of direct address (creature) from the rest of the sentence. There's more of these errors also.
4)"creature" -- I wouldn't put quotation marks around creature.
5)"What's going to happen to me?"he wondered to himself -- thoughts do not need quotation marks. Italicize them.
6)It raised the sword above it's head -- use 'The creature' as your subject, instead of It. Also it's means it is. You need to use 'its' there.
If you'd like more help with the rules of commas, let me know.
You have a potentially great story here. Keep working on it, and I'll review it again.
Another very well done chapter, with only a few mechanical errors. If you would like help with those, I would be happy to do it. Looking forward to Chapter Two. : )
Very, very nice beginning to your book!! I don't read much of the fantasy genre (unless you count Harry Potter) and so I am unfamiliar with all the conventions and requirements of that genre. But I can tell you that your Prologue grabbed my attention and interest right away, and your ending left me much wanting to read more. : )
You have a few typos, and grammar errors, but not enough to distract from the story. There is also a few instances of awkward phrasing.
I love your word choices! You made me sense that I really was entering another world!
Since joining this site, Ive always felt GPs to be a GOOD thing. I enjoy giving them out in appreciation to other people, and when I receive them, I recognize that someone is appreciative of me and my writings.
I did not see the article derogating the gift point system that you refer to above. But if I had, and if I had been influenced by it, your rebuttal would have eliminated any concerns I had about the GPs! Your article was very lucid, informative, persuasive, and, most importantly, non-inflammatory. Very very well written!
The more time I spend exploring writing.com, the more I come to LOVE it. I am so thrilled to be a part of a group such as this who give of themselves, their time, their knowledge, and donations to help other writers.
Keep up the awesome work!
Mary
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