You are receiving this mini-port raid due to your extremely kind and generous donation to the EnduReviewing contest.
After seeing that title, how could I not read this item? I, of course, like free things as much as anyone else. However, I realize that Writing.com is a business, and does need money to exist. So I do not mind in the least supporting this site financially. What I receive from this site is a thousand times worth the dollars I give to it.
I much enjoyed your little "rant" over that particular complaint. My most favorite part:
"Sometimes, however, the planets correctly align, my moods meld together and I find just the right irritational essay to send me off on a rant."
I'm not sure that "irritational" is a real word, but what an exquisite string of words you have composed in that sentence! Mahvelous!
Another excerpt:
"We copy and back up your work to separate hard drives every few hours and to digital tapes weekly so we keep your thoughts and ideas safe - FREE!"
This is great! I did not know about this. I'm much impressed.
I chose this poem for your second review, and I'm glad I did. I like the content of the poem very much.
As I suggested in the other review, if you're going to use short, blunt sentences, I recommend you structure them as I illustrated before.
"Knowing to answer the phone before it rings, or to answer the door before someone knocks" - for this phrase, I suggest revising it into one word to fit with the others. Psychic would seem appropriate.
One other suggestion: Try to make this poem more visual. You could add one word adjectives and alternate them with your nouns such as:
Demons.
Fire.
Ghosts.
Fear.
Just my own opinion; remember I am most definitely NOT a poet. So take these suggestions with a grain of salt. Ultimately, it is YOUR poem, and only you can decide what's best for your poetry.
As requested, here is my review. My comments in color.
"Young. Willing. Driving the point home.
Children. Hope. Homework. Ringing bells. laughing children."
I like how you use single words here. I suggest you keep all one words; maybe use a synonym for the phrase "Driving the point home." Also I recommend structuring it differently, though. Maybe like this:
Overall, I liked this poem. It has much potential. Your use of single word sentences throughout strikes me as tremendously appropriate to the content of this poem. I have a teenage daughter, and she only answers me in one word most of the time. And that's usually "No"
I think you did an excellent job capturing the spirit of teenagers.
I loved this piece; it's very deep and emotional. You write about Bobby very eloquently. Great job.
I also liked how your structured this; with the quotes, the emails, and the personal reflections. You incorporated each of these into a cohesive whole. Very nicely done!
Some editing suggestions:
"Hemmingway" - only one "m" in his name
"to a accord" - delete "a"
"Private Contactor." - missing an 'r' in contractor
"As you read the latest death toll, the latest news of our victories. Think of Bobby, He's not a number." - you have a sentence fragment here; suggest revising it to: As you read the lastest death toll, the latest news of our victories, think of Bobby. He's not a number.
Overall, this is a wonderful statement of the devastation caused by war. I enjoyed it very much, and agree completely with your sentiments.
The best thing about this poem, in my opinion, is the way you play around with the form and structure. I liked the non-traditional manner of your poetry. It's very refreshing!
I also liked how you used repetition to emphasize certain words and phrases. It definitely made an impact upon me.
I could only find one error in your poem:
(I should have known-
that inconstant moon.)
Periods and other punctuation belong outside parentheses.
Gosh, I've felt this way about a few of my boyfriends!
Your poem so brilliantly captures the essence of being torn between what one feels in the heart and thinks with the brain. Good job!
I especially like the visual imagery you use here. I've never thought about comparing it to zombies, and I'm pretty sure I've never read it anywhere else! It was very fresh and original, at least to me.
My EnduReviewing partner, laart1, and I have chosen you next on our list of victims.
So get ready for a full mailbox!
About this poem: It is superb! Your word choices clearly evoke a feeling of loneliness, melancholy in the poem's narrator, which is then passed on to the reader. Very well done!
I especially liked how you structured the poem, with several one word lines. It intensifies the sad emotions.
I couldn't find anything wrong with grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. sooooo voila! A five star poem!
This is an outstanding story (anecdote?) It is very well-written. You captured my interest right away with your excellent description of the train station. I loved the similes and metaphors you used for the station!
Some editing suggestions:
"and without further hesitation I step inside." - and, without further hesitation, I step inside; you need to insert commas to separate non-required phrases in a sentence
"Instantly" - need comma after this
"asks me a question" - need comma after "question" to separate independent clauses
"pale dusky pink." - need comma to separate adjectives
"With a cry of delight" - need comma after "delight"
"my father's face" - need comma after "face"
"Of course" - need comma after "course"
Overall, this is a very good story. I enjoyed so much the emotional aspects of your "Coming Home." My favorite part was the little 'game' you and your father play. That is very touching!
I enjoyed reading this very much. I appreciate your sharing your story about your own personal demons and how you overcame them. You end with a very inspiring message which, hopefully, will serve as a warning to others to stay off that path.
Editing suggestions:
"I basically drove around an old, rickety Chevy Van" - I think you missed the word "in" here: "in an"
"technician, I was" - this is a comma splice; you need a semicolon after "technician"
In your third paragraph, you have an overly long sentence beginning with "My pay"; it's length is rather confusing to follow. I suggest breaking it up into two or more sentences.
"termite and rodent infested" - should be: termite- and rodent-infested
"illegal thing, I knew" - another comma splice; here I recommend you put a period after "thing" and begin new sentence
"guilt ridden" - needs hyphen
Overall, this is a well-written story. I liked very much your writing style, sometimes serious, sometimes ironic, but always personal. Great job!
Gosh, I loved this poem! (I've always been partial to free verse. )
But, it is a wonderful poem! Very well-written and containing beautiful sentiments. I especially like how you structure the poem, with some one or two word lines - it's effect is to intensify the action, to make it much more meaningful and beautiful.
Ah, very, very well done!
I only have one minor suggestion:
"That created two," - I recommend deleting this comma. Throughout the rest of the poem, you only use colons and periods, and it works very well without commas. So this one should also be left out.
Despite that one flaw, this poem is much worthy of a five star rating.
Another good poem! I liked how you compared the hurricane to Cyclops; very nice!
What I liked best:
"God's breath, given the name of mortal man." - What a wonderful line!
Suggestion:
You might wish to glance over your punctuation use here. Sometimes you use the wrong form, such as a comma when a semicolon is needed. And sometimes there is no punctuation when it is expected.
Thank you for bringing back this great contest! I'm going to get started working on a story right away.
I want to let you know I like very much how you also offer prizes for different genres. I haven't seen a contest that does that yet, usually only have first, second, and third place.
I'm gonna send you a donation, just because I want to be the first listed on your page.
Ah, this is an outstanding poem! It is obvious you have spent many hours working on this. The imagery is great, it flows quite nicely, and I enjoyed your poetic elements (such as alliteration).
Just a couple of suggestions:
"sixty two times" - numbers should be hypenated
"not too many days away," - this is the only punctuation in the poem; I suggest deleting it
Overall, you've done a remarkable job with this poem.
Wow, a very deep, emotional poem you have written here. You very skillfully project the poem's intense feelings onto the reader through your word choices. Great job!
Editing suggestions:
"And deep in the core of me pain" - my pain, I think
"To even get that doctor’s appointment I told them something was wrong" - seems to me that "I told them something was wrong" should be on a separate line
"I thank God for you
And for giving me the strength
To honor a little girl that was a gift
My only happiness in this situation comes
From knowing You will protect her now" - these lines were a little disconcerting; you begin by addressing either your mother or boyfriend or both, and then suddenly shift to talking to God; there needs to be some indication that you are about to change who you're speaking to
Overall, this is a very powerful poem, and well-written.
This is pretty good, but I suggest you work on your imagery some. I didn't get the visual images in my mind that I should have. I think it was due to your word choices; they weren't descriptive enough to bring forth visuals in my mind's eye.
Overall, I liked your theme, and it flows pretty well.
In most of your poems that I've reviewed so far, the irregularity of the lines do not interfere with the rhythm or flow of the poem. But in this one, they do. It does not have much of a 'poem' feel to it; it reads more like prose. I suggest working on making your lines more concise.
Editing suggestions:
"I begine to fall under his spell." - begin
"It’s too late for that, but I promise we’ll be fine." I said hoping it was true. - you should have a comma after the spoken words, not a period; you have more of these errors also
"made it’s way" - should be 'its'; it's is a contraction for it is
Overall, it's a good beginning. If and when you revise, I'll be happy to return and R&R again.
What a great contest! I have been eagerly watching for accounts of the convention; I've read three of the attendees' articles so far. And here you have a place to collect them all together for me! And everyone else too. This is wonderful!
And the prizes, wow! You are very generous!
I'm sending along a donation to help with those awesome prizes.
Thanks so much for sharing your memories of the convention with us! I am much enjoying reading members' accounts of it. Each one is very different in form, but all are wonderful!
What I liked best about yours: How you list all the attendees and say a few words about them.
A couple of typos:
"The I smiled back"
"the evil/ goo twin"
I plan to go next year, and hope to meet you there.
I loved this story! It's not the kind of thing I normally read, and although I don't understand alot of what's going on, it kept my interest all the way through. Great job!
You move the action along perfectly; not too fast, and not too slow. The characters are most realistic and the dialogue is very believable.
I did not find any spelling or grammar errors. Nice work!
I trust you're having a wonderful time at the convention. I wish I could have been there, but hopefully next year.
This article has lots of useful information. I learned so much about how to study statistics and the demographics! I didn't know these things were available until now. There's still so much I don't know about this wonderful site. But I'm pursuing it diligently!
I have to add this to my faves, cause I know I'll never remember all this.
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"Hemmingway" - only one "m" in his name
"to a accord" - delete "a" 
"Private Contactor." - missing an 'r' in contractor
"As you read the latest death toll, the latest news of our victories. Think of Bobby, He's not a number." - you have a sentence fragment here; suggest revising it to: As you read the lastest death toll, the latest news of our victories, think of Bobby. He's not a number.
"pale dusky pink." - need comma to separate adjectives