This is certainly a chilling tale of some very unexpected behavior from a bunny. You've done a good job of characterizing your main character, Albert.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'leather couch within the confounds(confines?) of his lily-coloured house.'; 'was middle(-)aged, slightly overweight and showing signs of balding.'; ' wooden basket with its lid closed lying(sitting?) on(in) the centre of his dining table.'; and, 'proceeded to ravish(ravage?) his unprotected face.'.
This is an interesting story of two people with, apparently, different agendas. I think that the characterization could be enhanced a bit, since I don't really feel as if I know or understand either of them and how they're really feeling about the situation in which they find themselves.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'back to my apartment for a little one(-)on(-)one time.'; ' it’s been awhile(,) a long while.'; '“Maybe later, Thanks(thanks). '; 'And, Tom(,) you do not look rich.'; 'Usually, I am so pragmatic accept(except?) when it comes'; '“Sure, help your self(yourself)”, '; and, 'She saw my down cast(downcast) eyes . . . See yea(ya?) later. Bye.” '.
This is a very good first chapter of what is clearly indicated to be truly fantastic tale - in every meaning of the word.
I would suggest that, since this is extraordinarily long that you try to tighten it up, eliminating what detail that doesn't serve to move the story along.
In the Katrina episode, you might want to do more showing like has been done with the other teens.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier readability.
In this phrase: 'she could have sworn that the riverbank was an inch or two higher than it had been just a few minutes earlier.'; do you mean the "riverbank" or just the river?
In this phrase: 'he was meeting his grandfather for the first time, who had died before Andrew was born.'; suggest rearranging thus, "meeting his grandfather, who had died before Andrew was born, for the first time."
This phrase, 'and last, nonstop, for one or a few Earth days; maybe 24 hours at most. ' is rather contradictory; further mader so by this, 'And besides, it only took 48 hours.' a few sentences later.
I did have a bit of a problem with the ending of this chapter. Since they were told that they would, essentially, "resume" their lives from before, it would be more logical for them to wake up in various local hospitals and perhaps they could all meet again when sent to the same rehabilitation center for physical therapy to overcome the last vestiges of their separate ordeals.
Sorry it took me so long to get back to these, but I hope this helps.
This is a good first chapter that arouses reader interest in your main characters as well as the life of the village as a whole. It also carries that interest forward in wondering what awaits the two hunters.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'he wasn’t sure quite (as to-delete, unnecessary) what it was'; and, 'that was (in-delete) built into Alturians from their upbringing '.
This is a very interesting story of a fantasy come to life. However, I was a bit confused by the ending. Was this Atsushi an "idol" - movie, music, etc. - as indicated by the poster on the wall? Or was he a non-existent person? It is unclear.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very sad poem of a child who feels rejected, even though she tries her hardest to please. You've done a good job of getting the message across to the reader.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'But her mind, her life(,) is in a constant whirl.'; and, 'I'll just try harder(,) so I don't make them mad.'.
Since I don't write poetry, I feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing.
This is an interesting setup although I not so sure the outcome won't be more sexual than romantic.
Not knowing what the intent is here - whether a short story or a how-to article - makes it very difficult to offer any constructive suggestions.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' wear a low(-)cut blouse '; 'all looking(seeming?) like your(you're) up to nothing.'; and, 'meal is about half(-)way through,'.
This is an interesting concept of an immigrant embarking on a new life.
It is particularly important, especially in a novel, to really grab the reader's interest right in the beginning. You might want to consider beginning this with a very exciting scene either from his arrival or during his new life and then use this information in a flashback later on.
Some specific editorial questions/suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Slow down and glance(Would "observe" be a better since 'glance' seems so fleeting?).' ; 'Slow down(,) my son(,) and listen to me.'; 'Everything seemed in the colors of black and white when I turned away to head my mystrical(mysterious/mystical?) destiny in the other continent of modernity. All the trees seemed lifeless and all the flowers waved me goodbye with such unenthusiasm(lack of enthusiam) and vain.'(These two sentences seem awkward and a bit confusing. Think they might be improve by some rearrangement.); and, 'It(')s the land of the free and the forgotten, it(')s the land of the lost '.
This piece seems to have the potential of being a hilarious story. It does, however, need a considerable amount of additional work.
Suggest spelling out all numerals from one through ten.
Suggest watching your capitalization, of proper nouns as well as first words of sentences; and, also punctuation, especially apostrophes in contractions.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'more irritating than a 6(six-)hour trip in a minivan'; 'As it turns out walking . . . leap over the side of the grand canyon(Grand Canyon)("is one of them" [more irritating things]).'; 'just hop out and than(then) back in.'; and, 'a good 50(-)meter head start before my dad started the 250(-meter?) wiener(-)recovery dash.'.
This is a very good poem of the changes brought about by falling in love. You've done a good job of contrasting the past with the present while being with her.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'To bring me from the depths of self(-)pity and woe,'.
Sinice I don't write poetry, I feel unqualified to address and technicalities of the writing.
This is an excellent short story of a "foreigner" becoming acclimated to a strange people and finding her niche to provide a helping hand.
You may want to check the Public View as there seem to be a couple of line breaks where I don't believe you intended them to be.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'stay isolated in the safety of her mud(-)brick house,'; and, 'four siblings in a one(-)bathroom household '.
This is a very good story that does a great job of putting the reader into the shoes of a person, especially a student, transplanted from one culture to another. You've made it very easy to understand how one would have to struggle to "fit in" to the social structure and how uncomfortable it would be.
This is a really cute little piece where you've done an excellent job of personifying your non-human characters and getting into their point of view.
This is well written and flows nicely.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'say good-bye,” said Mr. Rhet(,) (as he) ran to the hole(,-delete) and jumped through.'.
This is an interesting piece of an interdependent relationship where no one can "win". It does, however, need some additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Isaac to do the devil(')s bidding was closer than he’d like to admit. When he looses(loses) his body and mind'; 'the original devil(-)infused predator of this town '; 'his families(family's) curse(-)guardian(,) Tholomew '; 'through Tholomew(')s eyes as he pulls out Morlock(')s throwing knives.'; 'eyes narrow into cat(-)like slits'; ' “Ah, so you won’t scream for me(,) Tholomew?'; 'sharp in take(intake) of a breathy moan on Tholomew(')s part. '; ' (")I soon as rather you kill Morlock.'; and, 'grin spreads over Tholomew(')s face . . . Stuck in a stale mate(stalemate) that’s like . . . it(')s dark(-)light reasoning.'.
This is a beautiful story of a long-held wish finally being fulfilled. I was so happy that she finally got what she really wanted. (By the way, I remember that Royal Purple and it was a bright one!)
This is a delightful story of a very unusual "good Samaritan". I love a good ghost story! This one is well written and flows smoothly.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'how eerie the road to Sam(')s house was '; '"Need some help(,) lass?" '; and, 'He was also a well(-)known rakehell!(?)'.
This is a very good chapter. Though picking up in the middle makes it difficult to assess the whole manuscript, I found this portion to be very interesting.
You may want to check the Public View as I believe that there are line breaks where you don't intend them to be.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, checking particularly for punctuation. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first third of this chapter: 'safe was exactly where she thought(remembered). Years before one evening,' (One evening years before); 'seat as the approaching(setting) evening sun '; '“7:10.(Seven-ten,)” Anne answered.'; ' “So uncle(Uncle) Al'; 'retrieved at(from) her father(')s house '; 'a man in the driver(')s seat'; 'man returned with a new(-)looking step van.'; and, ' “Pleasure to meet you(,) sir.(,)” David replied accepting the gesture. (")I want to thank you(,) Al.'.
This is an interesting sketch but it is more of a biographical or travelogue piece than it is a short story.
A short story should have a beginning where your protagonist is introduced along with the problem he/she will be addressing; a middle where the problem is worked on; and, an end where some resolution is reached.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit watching particularly for verb tenses, misspelled words and incorrect punctuation.
This is an interesting beginning to the story, as it serves to arouse interest in what has brought about your protagonists change in usual mood.
I would suggest that your paragraphs be broken up into shorter ones.
A couple of specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'All the dread and hatered(hatred) '; and, 'stayed at the front of his mind(,) “After today, '.
This is a very good story that illustrates the relationship between "family members". I would suggest that you might want to research the existence of shelters at that time. Don't believe they came along until much later.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' just like her fairy(-)tale marriage.'; 'almost urgently pulled (and lit-delete) another from the pack (and lit it).'; 'be part of her or her girl’s(girls') world.'; 'Harry Cullett walked into(in to) see. '; 'determination etched upon his wives(wife's) weary face.'; 'She had turned up(out) so much different '; 'You ran your errand(,)” she said with a voice full of scorn(.) '; and, 'drinking with your ten(-)cent whores '.
This is a good story with a very good lesson. It does, however, need some additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first third of the story: 'I have been getting nightmares(,-delete) about it.'; ' As if(,-delete) I’m not the worst person '; '“Good morning(,) Adam! '; 'I pick up my now(-)empty plate '; ' I knew I couldn’t stay to(too) long,'; ' I though(thought) he hadn’t heard me crying.'; and, 'what you are talking about.(,)” I said.'.
This is a beautiful, and so terribly sad, story that it brought tears to my eyes.
You have done an excellent job of characterizing Mama and aptly showed all the love she put into her humble gifts. Well done.
In this sentence, 'My walls were covered with a private starry night created from that gift, when the light hit it just right.'; would it flow better if it were begun with the last phrase, 'When the light hit it just right, my walls . . .'?
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