This is a very good poem of what lying can do to a relationship, none of it good.
A few typos that you may want to check out: 'That is were(where) the truth lies'; 'Or ill(I'll) turn my back'; 'that is what i(I) see'; and, 'let(')s try to make it last'.
Since I am not a poet, I don't feel qualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a good story of the internal conflict between longing for love and the fear of being hurt - again. It also offers opportunity for expansion into a longer piece.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier readability.
The paragraphs here are extraordinarily long, especially the second. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “I like you, will you be my girlfriend(?)” (he?) whispered '; ' Its(It's) only a phase, '; ' I trusted to(too) much, loved to(too) hard, and fell in love…but nobody caught me, as I feel(fell?).'; and, 'upon a convient(covenient) log, i(I) wept, '.
This is a good story of the struggle for independence and its eventual realization.
This is well written and flows nicely.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'and who we were friends with(were).'; and, 'she knocked on my door and (was) asked to come in.'.
This is a cute story of a young man hoping to develop a relationship.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'the young asian(Asian) woman’s hair shine.'; 'attractive 20-yr.(20-year) old for a model. '; and, 'and the result was half flowed(flowing) down her back and half (was-delete) caught up'.
This is an interesting tale that I think would be improved by being set further into the future, instead of the recent past. It does need some additional work, including perhaps a bit of tightening up to smooth the flow.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first six paragraphs: 'I would succumb, I just didn’t know (when-delete) the timeframe (was-delete). '; 'making me still a ripe 29(-)year(-)old spring chicken.'; 'Soon enough my peace at(of) mind . . . a nightmarish turn for the worst(worse).'; 'its long(-)reaching gravitational pull.'; 'world financial structure collapsed into rubble at (the) news (of this-delete).'; and, 'no police force to protect the citizens (from-delete).'.
This is a good story but I couldn't help wondering what "accident" occurred in his bedroom. I think it would help understanding if we knew a bit more about it.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'rising to his feet to find paper towel(towels) in the kitchen.'; 'ask my husband, its(it's) only fair.” '; and, 'she simply shrugged her shoulders and looked to the ground (quietly-delete, unnecessary).'.
This is a really compelling story of the "once you start it, you can't lay it down" type.
It is well written and flows smoothly.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'duct taped to a twelve(-)inch (square-delete, unnecessary?) cube of plastic explosive.'; and, 'body covered with first(-)degree burns, '.
This is a totally gripping story of two men in competition, each's pride preventing him from walking away.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'and these were no(not) the best conditions.'; 'how a near(-)death experience '; 'later with the after(-)dinner aperitifs, '; 'pulverizing(A better word here? i.e. bashing, perhaps.) him against the mammoth stones'; and, ' After an all(-)too(-)brief time'.
This is a delightful, and moving, story of a long-parted couple and their potential reunion.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'she backed down the drive way(driveway). '; 'You married your high(-)school sweet heart(sweetheart)'; 'glance to(at) her passenger.'; 'the three(-)car garage '; 'an eight(-)track tape player'; ' “Sid(,) what is it? '; ' “What the hell are you doing(,) Sidney?'; and, ' “You must be mistaken(,) lady.'.
This is a delightfully funny piece of a day certainly ruled by Murphy's Law. It is, overall, well written and flows smoothly.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'holding their second wedding 2(two) weeks after my birthday '; 'I had interviewed with 3(three) months earlier '; ' my usual breakfast of 2(two) cups of coffee '; 'location that was 2(two) hours away'; from home, 'It is a well(-)known fact '; 'nearly got mauled by 3(three) dogs, '; and, 'catch 2(two) buses home, but the nearest bus station was about two(-)and(-)a(-)half miles away.'.
This a a good story of a gift from a friend that kept on growing even after the friend was gone.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'little longer to get here(,) Archie.'; 'We both smiled through the mid night(midnight) air.'; ' 'Here...these are for you(,)' you said'; 'Lifting (your hand-or some other phrase the specify.)) slowly, you revealed'; ' 'Sunflowers and Moonflowers(,) Ashley,'; and, 'my way through the dark now(,) Archie. '.
This is a very sad piece of two friends drifting apart and trying to find a way out of the dilimma to renewed friendship.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'In the middle of sixth(-)grade year, '; 'We still hung out once and(in) a while but it was different.'; and, 'long time to drink and be stupid if I want (to-delete).'.
This is a very interesting tale of living again the great memories of childhood.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: He releases the course(coarse) rope'; 'Bobby turned in to(into) Bob '; 'Bob married his high(-)school sweetheart, '; 'eats 2(two) eggo(Eggo?) waffles, '; and, 'Bob knew he had to take Bones(Duggie?) back to his owner,'.
This is a very interesting story of a chance meeting obviously sparking a "life decision".
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The following half hour(next half-hour) crept by.'; '“Come in, Lucy, come in(.)” she(She) didn't bother '; 'few months here with us(.)” she(She) tried '; '“You're(Your) wife is a hideous cow!” she screamed '; 'place was the linger(lingering aroma) of (the-delete) (Mr. Frank's) over-priced cologne (of Mr. Frank-delete) that still clung'; and, 'It's nice to meet you(,) Billy.” '.
This is a very intriguiing story that poses quite a question. Hmmmm.
A couple editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' "Don't worry about me(,) girl," I said.'; 'slap my face and call my(me) Sally," '; and, 'a wobbly pair of legs the next days(day), '.
This is a very sad story that has many opportunities. Who are Nina and Jess? Where are they? What was their life like before the attack?
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'a fighter jet exploded over head(overhead).'; and, 'She looked in to(into) the blue eyes, '.
This is a really good story of a fated meeting and relationship that hit it off.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'leaning against the wall of corridor(Corridor) D'; 'He was an asian(Asian) beauty.'; 'I felt every pair of eye(eyes) lock to me as they murmured eleganlty(?) words like, "Stupid.(,)" or '; '"You don't look (so?) good.(,)" he uttered.'; 'I felt someome stand(standing) behind me.'; and, 'He uttered under(in) his sweet voice, '.
This is an interesting story that seems as if the ending isn't quite finished; I felt sort of "left hanging".
I'm not sure the elipses are the appropriate punctuation; in most of the uses it seems as if a comma might be better.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I searched open(through) the drawers, '; 'The walls of the 7(seventh) floor '; 'I staggering(staggered) at my luck taking '; 'Then I resumed (to-delete) my task.'; 'wooden screen in the corner had Indian (wooden-delete) carving tenderly'; 'Now I simply had to (remember) the password '; 'when (?Something missing here?) shot his 17th victim dead…'; and, ' "I'm impressed(,) Laura…'.
This is a delightful little piece that provides an almost hilarious detailing of the experience from the husband's point of view - if one just didn't feel so sorry for the wife.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very good story that give a bit of background to another piece I read of the same two characters. This one shows the beginning of the relationship. Are these all part of a longer work?
This is well written and flows smoothly.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jayepmarshall/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/51
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.53 seconds at 6:26pm on Sep 09, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
