This is an interesting story of an unusual subject. However, it does need a bit of work.
Some of these sentences seem overoly long. Suggest breaking them into shorter ones.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Behind the velvety light(-)green flowery(-)patterned curtain,'; 'past the brisk(-)walking men and women probably late for their works(work), '; 'doing nothing but watch(watching) the lake’s heartbeat'; 'materializing as the circle (was been-delete) repeated over and over again. Kindness on her part was what endeared me(her) to her(me).'; 'knowing fully(full) well there would be a lot of people there '; and, 'affection her nine(-)year(-)old experience'.
This is an interesting introduction to an adventure that shows the reader something about the characters; however, it doesn't have a conclusion.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “It’s still here(,) Jack, '; ' “Calm down(,) Ben(,) and stop shouting.(,)” He(he) said,'; 'don’t understand why were(we're) out here '; 'side(-)stepping his younger brother.'; ' “Oh(.-delete) My(.-delete) God.(,)” came from Ben '; and, 'He haunches(hunches) down to see if Jack(')s nose had(has) stopped bleeding'.
This is a good little story of a relationship and how it is apparent to family members.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Rows of grape trees(vines) stretched (on-delete) for miles.'; 'but when I thought of the roller coaster my parents’ marriage had turned out to be(,) I worried for John.'; 'but the brown(-)haired girl beside me was ecstatic.'; and, ' “No(,) Godammit!” John snapped half-jokingly.'.
This is a very good, and chilling, scenario, but needs some "filling out" to make a complete story.
This is all one paragraph. Suggest breaking it into shorter ones for better flow and easier reading.
The "best friend, Lisa" is used repeatedly. Suggest after the first introduction of Lisa as his best friend, just the name "Lisa" be used.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first half: 'place called Dead Man(')s Curve. First of all(,) Mike had told his best friend(,) Lisa(,)'; 'his other friend(,) Ronald. (New paragraph) He wanted someone '; 'comes out of no where(nowhere)'; 'stands up straight it(')s like seven feet tall. (New paragraph) So Mike(')s best friend(,) Lisa told him'; and, 'So(Seems overused.) they picked up Mike(')s car . . . When they got there(,) they got out of the car into the dark windy misterious(mysterious) night.'.
This is an interesting beginning to what appears to be intended to be a longer story. You've done a good job of setting up the scene and gaining interest in your protagonist.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' My hands were trebling(trembling) '; 'said,” what(What) the hell are you doing(,) rookie?” '; ' “I’m detective(Detective) Shear.'; 'Clean(-)cut and well(-)dressed.'; ' “Well we won(')t know unless we check now(,) will we.” '; 'Of coarse(course) she was asleep'; and, 'beautiful 14(-)year(-)old daughter,'.
Suggest making sure the ends of sentences have punctuation marks - ".", "?" or "!".
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first half: 'did not turn up for work today (o8/12/08).' (Spell out: "work today, August 8, 2008.); 'watching (hypnotically) as the wheelchairs roll back and forth (hypnotically-delete).'; 'two bladders(a bladder) for a PHD student and a 40-year(-)old divorcee and a heart '; ' “See you later then(,)” she repeats lifelessly '; ' kneeling on a toilet bowel(bowl).'; 'strain that felt like (it) was coming from the depth '; ' “Coming(,) love”.'; and, 'grabbed Lily’s boyfriend(')s hand brashly '.
This is a chilling story where you take the reader by the hand and gently, inexorably lead him/her forward into the midst of the fascinating horror.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'rubbing my day’s stubble growth,' (day's growth of stubble?); and, 'My curiosity knew no bounds, but even if it hadn’t(had?),'.
This is an interesting story where you do a good job of bringing the reader into an outer space environment.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, paying particular attention to word choices. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first dozen paragraphs: 'how small and insubstantial(inconsequential?) you are. '; 'barged your way in after a day(')s work'; 'For days my hands tore through my scalp(hair?) at the thought.'; 'sounds of home; birds chirping and singing, a countryside stream gliding and trickling(bubbling and gurgling) down a valley, leaves bristling(rustling) in the wind,'; and, 'as I slept, and soundly(,) I might add.'.
This is a good story of a common problem. I believe the flow would be improved by keeping it all in one viewpoint and, perhaps, saving the "natural resolution" for the ending.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'especially the studious(-)looking ones, '; 'Reggie said(,) "Well, me and that girl(,) Sarah.'; 'so what (was) she going to do, lock him in the basement?'; 'the following wednesday(Wednesday), when Sarah Brooks,'; 'Clay peered into his brother(')s eyes, as if (he) were trying to read something'; and, ' If Mom and dad(Dad) would have put all the money'.
This is a very good story of a young girl hiding her real self behind a camonflage of makeup and pretense.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Zoe would normally ask that question to(of) Daddy,'; and, 'screaming, 'oh(Oh) my God, '.
This is a beautiful story of father/son bonding while on a hunting trip. I also liked your inclusion of the "rules" of gun-handling as they are vital to anyone planning on one day handling a firearm of any sort.
It is well written and flows smoothly.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'They('d) followed this doe for weeks'.
This is a very good story primarily of a family's relationships with each other.
It is well written and flows smoothly.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Jimmy, my twelve(-)year(-)old brother, '; ' that new ten(-)speed bicycle'; 'I felt the love he held for me(,) even(,-delete) though I told a lie.'; and, ' “I know what you are thinking(,) son. '.
This is an absolutely terrific story to which I can totally relate. I remember having one coffee pot that I would have absolutely got down on my knees if it would have kept it working.
It is well written and flows smoothly.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'thank me for me(my) years of service.'.
This is an informative piece of another areas really nasty fog. It is well written and flows nicely.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' I think there's really only one "el")("le"?).'; 'from the border to(of) Mexico north into Oregon '; 'so you don’t crash a(into?) the car in front of you '; and, 'they are holding a sign(,) “I will work for food.” '.
This is a terrific story - I just love tales of the supernatural. Naturally, I would like to see more to this story as it has many opportunities for expansion in detailed scenes of the "ghostly" happenings and the inhabitants reaction to them.
As it is, it is well written and flows smoothly. Good job.
This is an interesting story of re-meeting someone from the past. I can truly relate to the not recognizing him part.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Yes, I’m one of those (who) stay at home and count down with Dick Clark(')s Rocking Eve'; ' “You don’t remember me(,) do you?” '; ' where everyone new(knew) everyone and their business.'; 'the kid I remember was tall and lanky that(and) wore cloths(clothes) three times to(too) big.'; ' “Casdin(,) I’m such,” '; and, ' “Well, I’m glad your(you're) back.(")'.
This is a very interesting story of a moment of retaliation.
It is well written and flows nicely.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' " No(,) officer(,)" Kate stated firmly,(.) " We were all out in the yard.'; and, ' We('-delete) asked our landlord '.
Wow! What a story! This is a gripping story that only left one thing unexplained - WHO was Dr. Wong?
This is well written and flows nicely.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'each shop had a large glass display (window?) filled '; 'cameras with silicon chips that(with which) anyone could take a perfect picture (with-delete).'; 'he drove for(toward) the small park at the top of the hill '; and, 'he arrived at the hill top(hilltop) park.'.
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