This is an interesting tale of a girl meeting her fate in an abandoned cathedral which is an intriguing setting.
Some of the sentences here are extraordinarily long. Suggest breaking them into shorter ones to improve the flow.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' and noone(no one) ever came around'; 'It echoed (off) the shattered remains of the chantry's walls.'; 'her short dirty(-)blonde hair '; 'she finally spoke(,) "Y-Yes....that '; 'The god(-)fearing men and women '; 'demeanor went from gentlemen(-)like,'; 'falling to the leave covered(leaf-covered?) ground.'; and, 'I believe of (in)only myself. . . . all in it's(its) own." '.
This is a good piece of a couple parting. However, it doesn't seem to really tell the story. Why does she feel that she has to leave? It seems incongruous with the feelings you've written here. What has led up to it?
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first half: 'Rachelle was leaving for Alabama,(.) (She and) Nick (and her-delete) had been having problems '; ' hiding her tear(-)filled blue eyes,'; 'Nick glanced over to(at) Rachelle, a look of concern fell over his strong masculine features,(.) he(He) let go of her hand '; 'my love, You'll(you'll) see." '; 'stopped infront(in front) of the airport.'; 'out into the rainy weather soaked(rain-soaked?) afternoon.'; 'material posessions, All(all) she really needed'; and, 'toward the gate her plane would be at(toward her gate?).'.
This is a nice, though very sad, piece of a frequent occurence. It offers many opportunities for expansion. It could be built on their previous relationship, how it developed and the scenes more fleshed out.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'She looked over (her) shoulder, smiled and waved. He pulled away, He(and) drove out of sight.'.
This is a very nice scene; however, a short story has a beginning where a protagonist with a problem is introduced; a middle where the problem is addressed; and, an ending where a resolution is reached.
What you have here is very well written and flows nicely.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is an absolutely horrifying tale of a relationship that never should have been allowed to get started. This actually turned my stomach in knots.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Keeping in mind (what-delete) her mission (is-delete)'; 'Tell her over(-)controlling boyfriend'; 'manicured lawns(,-delete) and well(-)tended gardens.'; 'Approaching his apartment (with every step-delete), she begins '; 'The wrought(-)iron railings '; 'Like a never(-)ending journey.'; ' Half (-)sleep. Half(-)awake. '; 'Apologies(Apology) after apologies(apology).'; and, 'Outside, it is down pouring(rain is pouring down). '.
This is an interesting story that seems to be putting us into a different culture, but it is not clear where or when. Nor is the meaning of the new-found "freedom" clear.
Some of the sentences are rather long and somewhat unclear. Suggest breaking them into shorter ones and smoothing out the flow.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' But we(,) in our humanity(,) complicate it beyond recognition '; 'It amazed him(,) but even more so myself(,) how well '; 'Looking back it doesn’t now seem so very strange (to me-delete) that it fit me '; 'heard the most lyrical;(,) crooning laughter'; ' why would this god(-)like creature '; 'I silently cursed myself(,) “Stop it(,) Sonora, you are being a fool!” '; and, 'I stammered in that same hushed molto(,) "S(-)S(-)Sonora", '.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'little angel of mine(.)’ Mummy bent forward '; ' ‘Will you drink my milk(,) Mattey?’ '; '‘Taani,’ Mummy said(,) shaking her head.'; 'Chuck said, ‘Leave her alone(,) Matt. '; '‘About forty(-)five minutes. '; and, 'Thank you so much(,) my little pumpkin.’ '.
This is a very sweet story of young love. However, it does need a bit of additional editorial work.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first third: 'and you could tell he work(worked) out a little,'; ' “Hi, Jade(,) so how was your summer,'; ' “Ugh, your(you're) good, '; 'first day of high school?” (said) someone standing next her.'; 'you might be able to come(,)” Jade asked.'; ' “Yeah, but I planning(plan) on ending the party (early) since it is a school night,” '; 'and just replied(,) “Oh”.'; and, 'Then(,) in almost a whisper(,) he said(,) “I’m sorry, '.
This is a very moving tale that has the potential of becoming a really great story.
Would suggest that the scenes be shown by putting the reader right there, letting him/her see the surroundings, hear the sounds and feel the muggy air.
Also suggest putting spoken dialog into quotation marks with all the appropriate punctuation.
Wow! What a twist! This is a good story in which I was right up there with Larry envisioning the future.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Dem chubby ones be good eatin(').” '; and, 'dissimilar from your basic 3-hour(three-hour) tour.'.
This is an interesting beginning/episode of this story. However, it does need considerable additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first segment: 'the way her name rolls of(off) the end of my tongue '; 'The way that she said(,) “I love you(,) Quincy Jacobsen”,'; ' her story that she had wrote(written) when she was six.'; 'she might not even be there(,) Q! '; 'People began to slow(slowly) move back '; 'happy without his buddy(,) Margo.” '; 'his eyebrows creased, making the center of his face known(?Right word?). '; 'I said about 8(eight) minutes '; and, ' “Yet.(,)” Radar finished.'.
This is an excellent story of how deeply in trouble a young man's curiousity got him.
It is very well written and flows smoothly.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'but John("Jon" as the shortened version of Jonathan.) swore'; and, 'agree to anything to get a sensational (story?).'.
This is an excellent story of all the "reasons" kids can come with when they don't want, or want to do, something.
This is written very well and flows nicely.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Me: Darling(,) you know how flowers '; and, 'They would have to, wouldn’t they(,) sweetie? '.
This is a delightful story of sharing whatever one has with another cared about.
This piece is well written and flows smoothly.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'he peered from half(-)open lids '; 'localized itself as coming (from) behind the tree.'; and, 'The sun’s slanting ray’s(rays) beat '.
This is a beautiful, yet terribly sad, story of the rejection dealt out to those who are different.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Gwen?” One(one) girl asked.'; 'was in for today?!” Exclaimed(exclaimed) the other.'; 'No longer should(would) she hide in there everyday, . . . no longer should(would) she cower in fear, '; 'Four menacing pillars enclosed(closed) around her, '; 'threatening in her eyes. (")Let me go… Please…(") '; ' “Oh wait a second, you can’t shout (,)can you? '; 'Even her mother(,) a stranger '; and, ' the longing has(had) gone too.'.
This is a good story of a situation that is, unfortunately, common today.
In order to avoid repitition in the following sentences: 'In the morning, I started the return journey home. (Paragraph) In the morning, my husband boarded a plane, headed towards his next stage in training.'; suggest (In the morning, I started the return journey home(.-delete) (while) (In the morning,-delete) my husband boarded a plane, headed towards his next stage in training.).
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