This is a nice poem that aptly describes the warming and awakening of the spring season.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The grass, soft as a bunnies(bunny's) tail,'; 'the light bright as a newborn(')s eyes.'; and, 'as each(they) chase each other across the sky.'.
I am not a poet and thus feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is an interesting piece that, if I understand it, speaks of the attraction of opposites.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Your(You're) mad'; 'Now were(we're) placing blame'; 'Your(You're) mine'; 'We understand each other(')s love'; and would suggest that you use "normal" spellings, as in "days" and "ways".
I am not a poet and thus feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a really cute idea. I feel it does need some additional work to smooth out the flow of the narrative, making clear distinction between the background of Herbert's experience, his son's intentions and the current action at the time the story is taking place.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'made to work for you(,) sir,” HDR542 stated . . . Mr Bigley who looked at this strange machine . . . a funny look(expression) (on his face-delete, unnecessary).'; 'a really adamanent(adamant) look on his face, '; 'Then prompty(promptly) pushed him roughly . . . as if he was(were) three!'; and, 'days and let(')s just say…. '.
This is an interesting little piece that makes a good point. Some of the wording seems a bit awkward and I think some smoothing out would improve the flow.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'more important than sims(Sims).' (Isn't this a "branded" or "trademarked" game?) ; 'you actually seem(see?) them date and things like that(,) but I digress.'; and, 'all the work(;) I can to ensure(can be sure of?) that.'.
This is a delightfully funny piece. Your mother must have cooked like my grandmother - by the SPD Method; "a Smidgen of this, a Pinch of that and a Dash of something else. Never did learn THAT method!
In this phrase, ' With fingers culped' Do you mean "cupped"? It's used a couple of times.
This is a beautiful story of an apparently inheirited wanderlust. It feels totally logical.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'a young baby put paid(an end) to that,'; and, 'It was a cold and matter(-)of(-)fact report, '.
This is an interesting story, but it seems a bit far-out. You seem to be saying that these people knew the entire "book" of their lives from a very young age. How can they know whether or not they'll finish school, get married, have children; even if their death is pre-programmed?
The timing here seems a bit off. The protagonist is just turning twenty and he already has a five-year-old child? That's an awfully early start.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
This is an absolutely delightful story of actually taking a "ride" in the famous Time Machine. I'm sure that under the same circumstances almost anyone's curiousity would get the better of them; consequently a very believable tale.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Regents Park bring vague ecollections(recollections)'; 'I figured(,) “What the heck! '; 'answered by a middle(-)aged woman '; ' “Yes.(,) Sir(sir). May I help you.(?)” '; 'foolish New York Yankee(')s cap'; 'everything perfect for heir(their)
evening’s repast.'; 'covered by a tarpaulin(-)type material.'; 'But, thee(there) was an odd stench'; 'I took a taxi straight to the Well(')s house.'; and, 'I keep
thinking(,) “Oh, my dear loved one,'.
This is a very interesting story where you've done a marvelous job of describing a vibrant living jungle, untouched by man. These are beautiful pictures that you paint with words.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'his broad muzzle into(to) the crystalline lake, lapping '; and, 'nestled in frayed, honey(-)yellow roots.'.
This is an interesting poem that I'm not sure I quite understand. It seems we have one person lying on their death-bed and getting no imotional indications from their "partner".
Since I don't write poetry I feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a very moving piece that is both sad and inspiring. I can only imagine the emotional battles you all fought.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Everything I had ever know(known) was now about to change'; 'mother and I a lot of sadness and (feelings of) helplessness.'; 'non(none) of their treatment worked, the seizures we(were) more violent'; 'you were, (through) all the poking and all of the doctors you '; and, 'cause some long(-)term damage, '.
This is an interesting beginning to this story but it does need some additional work. For example, Abby's physical description seems to interrupt the flow of what she learned in prison and how it could be applied in the "outside" world.
You may also want to do some research on the prison system wherever you are setting the story. Here is my State in the US, felons rarely serve their full sentence time. They can get "time off for good behavior" which can cut a ten-year sentence to about seven years. Also what clothing and/or money released are prisoners given when discharged? I'm sure that varies from area to area.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Following are a few editorial suggestions from the first two paragraphs: 'on a sentence that she had not been guilty of . She had no friends, who would come ' (for a crime of which she had not been guilty, she had no friends who); 'She had no family (that she knew of-delete). '; and, 'She was given a ten(-)year sentence.'.
Good luck, I'm sure this can be worth the extra work.
This is a good beginning for a story. It does a very good job of defining Jessica and contrasting her with the narrator, setting up what could become the main conflict of the rest of the story.
What you have here is well written and I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a beautiful, and moving, story that brought tears to my eyes. I could just picture the wonderful bed, so lovingly made.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'atop each post rested a teardrop(-)shaped knob.'; 'She knew flour(-)sack dresses,'; and, ' he courted her,(;) though, at first, she wanted'.
This is a delightfully funny piece where you've done an excellent job of "imagining" the author of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". I could just picture him!
This is a very cute story where you did a good job of weaving parts of the original tale into this highly plausible version.
I did get a bit confused - I think by the 2AM - about what was fact and what wasn't. After going back and rereading that part I decided that was where the fantasy started.
This is a very beautiful, and moving, tale. Your Granduncle seems to have been a really terrific person and someone that I would like to have met.
I think that most children are afraid of death at some point and having a father figure such as this to allay those fears has to be a very conforting gift.
This is a very interesting beginning to a story of hacking into "trouble". Good start.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'In(From/Out of) the corner of his eye he could see his girlfriend cleaning up the paper plates(,-delete) and plastic cups '; 'His girlfriend(,) Avril Longmire(,) however, was a very successful Veterinarian(veterinarian),(.) a(A) profession'; 'and Mrs. Pickles(') Potato Shack, '; and, 'wrapping his warm robe around him(,) he walked '.
You have a very good story idea here of a guy who seems to be terribly unhappy with himself and with life in general.
It does need a considerable amount of additional editing work. Suggest you do a thorough proofread and edit checking for punctuation, word usage and spelling in particular.
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