Jeff's (jeff) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

4,259 Public Reviews Given

4,388 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.

I'm good at...

Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.

Favorite Genres

I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.

351

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14 days may be credited.

#4412946

Review of Little Poems - Haiku - Tanka - Etc

for entry "Desperation"

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Tinker -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018"

I briefly considered this challenge for myself with I Write this week, but when I saw all the rules and CJ's own twist on them, I quickly decided that it was way too complicated and I chickened out.

I was very excited to see someone attempt this though! And while I'm not sure I even understand the rules of the modified poetic form enough to speak authoritatively about how well this particular piece followed that form, I can say that I really enjoyed reading this piece, subjectively speaking.

I'm very impressed that you were able to adhere to such a rigorous set of structural criteria, while still managing to create a compelling and entertaining poem. Your writing was clear and concise (of course, with a 30-second poem, it kind of has to be!

) and evocative. Excellent job!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

352

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14 days may be credited.

#4409986

Review of Do you think of me?

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Dragon is hiding -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018"

I thought this was an excellent poem. You did a great job with the structure and the imagery; it was easy to envision your narrator's emotional state and how they feel about the object of their affection. With only 14 lines, that's a really impressive feat!

The one area of the poem that gave me a bit of pause was the first stanza where it mentions "The days became weeks / and turned into a month." For me, a month feels like a relatively limited amount of time that somewhat discounts the intensity of the feelings. My suggestion would be to make it months plural rather than a month (singular) to better exemplify the impact of the relationship by showing that it's an enduring emotion over a longer period of time.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem. Nice job!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

353

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14 days may be credited.

#4408378

Review of Underworld Visitor

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi 💙 Carly - aka Joan Watson -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018"

I really enjoyed your poem for this month's Dark Dreamscapes contest. I thought the imagery was excellent and and pacing was very strong. The only thing I noticed was that the second stanza starts with the lines "Above them, Chadron / Sweeps his mighty oar" and I think the ferryman from Greek mythology's name is Charon (or Kharon)? Wasn't sure if that was an intentional name change or not, but I assume it's the same character since there's also a reference to the River Styx.

Other than that, I thought you did an excellent job with this poem and really enjoyed it. Nice job!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

354

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14 days may be credited.

#4406988

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~ The Gravity of the Situation ~"

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi ruwth -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018"

I have to admit that, even after reading this item and the instructions for the Taboo Words Contest at least half a dozen times each, I'm still a little uncertain as to whether this is a note to yourself to write a future entry, or this is the entry itself. Don't get me wrong; if it's the latter I can appreciate an unorthodox approach to a contest and enjoy it when people think outside the box for their entries. But three things gave me pause and caused me to second guess whether they're what you're actually doing, or if this was merely a placeholder for a future entry:

1. The reference to I Write threw me off. This piece isn't just self-referential to the Taboo Words Contest, it's also self-referential to the I Write activity, which really makes it feel more like a journal entry or a recap of an item on your to-do list than an actual entry.

2. The prompt for the Taboo Words Contest is to write a poem or a short story. That this is written in first person (and is describing the activity you're trying to complete) makes it feel more like a blog or a journal entry rather than a short story. If you had told the story in third person or added a little narrative detail to give us a sense that this is indeed a short story narrative rather than a nonfiction personal accounting, I think that would help.

3. The most problematic part for me is the characterization of the entry as being something that still needs to be done. "I need to enter a contest right away," "What contest will I enter this week?," "I will enter the Taboo Words Contest." Since these are all present tense, it makes it seem even more like a blog entry or a to-do list rather than a short story. I would recommend changing it to past tense so that it's a little clearer this is the entry itself.

If the goal is to clarify at the end that your "very unique take on the prompt" is writing about writing an entry for the contest, I would try to make the last paragraph a little clearer that it was your intent to do so. You might mention something about how you didn't use any of the taboo words in the piece that they just read, or even in the details below with the word count and prompt information, explicitly state that it's intended to be a meta story.

Overall, I liked your take on the prompt (assuming the intention was to write a self-referential story and that this isn't a placeholder for a real entry to that contest you'll write later!), but I think it could use a little clarification so that there isn't a single doubt in anyone's mind that this item is both about the entry and is the entry itself.

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

355

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14 days may be credited.

#4396165

Review of A New World

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Angel -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018"

Before I get into the details, let me just say that I'm a huge fan of extremely short form fiction. Whether you call it blink fiction, flash fiction, micro fiction, or whatever else, compelling people with a narrative of only a handful of words is a very difficult thing to do and I'm always impressed by authors who attempt it, let alone succeed with it!

I really enjoyed your item. I think it's interesting and leaves the reader intrigued to know more without leaving them completely hanging. So, overall, the piece nicely accomplishes its intent.

Where I think there's some area of improvement is in the specific diction and syntax choices. With so little space to work with, every word counts. Short pieces like this become very similar to poetry in the sense that the brevity of the piece puts a lot of emphasis and focus on every single word that's used. Some suggestions you may want to consider:

1. The opening sentence is a bit of a run-on. I'd recommend breaking it up to add a little more punch it up and not start with a grammatical error. Something like "Jan awoke slowly, the dream still there. A city of towers and exotic palaces. Getting out of bed, ..." would punch it up a little and start the piece on the right foot.

2. Removing unnecessary words can give you the space to fit even more narrative into these short pieces. Unless it's integral to telling us something about the character or provides important information about the scene being played out, adjectives like "gradually" can often be cut. "Getting out of bed, she began her normal routine" gets the same point across with one less word, which is one more word that can be applied elsewhere! Similarly, the actual definition of deja vu is "a feeling of having already experienced the present situation" so "the deja vu feeling haunting her" is a bit redundant when "the deja vu haunting her" communicates the same thing without the repetition.

3. I'd recommend varying some of the language choices that show up in short succession. When "unable to shake the strange visions" is immediately followed by another sentence that uses the phrase "an attempt to shake off the deja vu", that second use of "shake" can make the piece feel more limited and constrained than it actually is because the vocabulary repeats itself.

Overall, I think you're off to a strong start. Telling a story in under 100 words is incredibly difficult, especially when the subject matter is about a mythical creature like the phoenix. You've done a great job so far, and hopefully some of the suggestions above help refine the piece and make it even stronger. Nice job!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

356

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14 days may be credited.

#4393765

Review of Mom

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Devilcoco101

I discovered this item using the site's Read & Review feature and wanted to take a few moments to send you a quick review.

I thought you did a good job with this poem. The meter and rhyme scheme flowed well for the most part, and you did a great job of infusing a lot of emotional depth into so few words. There were a couple of lines that bumped for me, though. "She threw, which was bad" feels like it's maybe missing a word (she threw what?), and I'm a little unsure what the second to last stanza was getting at when it says, "It picked her up to go and rock." Was it a reference to the baby in the previous stanza? A little clarity on that point would help make this poem even stronger.

Overall, I think you're off to a really great start with this poem, and a bit of revision could really make it shine. Really nice job!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"New & Noteworthy Things"

"Blogocentric Formulations"

357

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14 days may be credited.

#4393727

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~ Passover Tells The Story ~"

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi ruwth -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018"

Thanks for sending me your item by email. Like you, I don't typically write or review poetry because I've never had much interest or experience with it. But I'm enjoying challenging myself to try something new for "I Write in 2018"

, and I'm even happier that I've convinced someone else to wander down the poetic path with me.

I agree that this form doesn't really lend itself well to the "read aloud" test; the form makes it difficult to get much of a reading rhythm going. But I thought you did a great job with the tumbling refrain and the construction of your quatrains. I'm particularly impressed by the way you used the same lines in each of the quatrains... coming up with lines that work in varying combinations throughout the poem must not have been easy.

I'm glad you attempted this challenge with me! While I'll always be a prose writer at heart, it's been fun to attempt some of these more challenging poetic forms. I hope you'll keep trying them too!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

358

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14 days may be credited.

#4391190

Review of Hitching a Ride

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Cheri Annemos -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018"

Overall, I enjoyed this poem. I thought you did a great job with the image prompt, and you created a vivid picture of the situation depicted. The only thing I really stumbled on while I was reading was the second stanza; the first and third felt very practical and grounded in reality, while the second felt a little more ethereal and metaphorical. The juxtaposition of those concepts - going from grounded to metaphorical to grounded again - was a bit jarring as I read it. That said, each of the stanzas on their own were well crafted and elegant. Nicely done!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

359

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14 days may be credited.

#4385149

Review of Lady in a Pink Saree

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi LostGhost: Seeking & Learning -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018"

Overall, I think you did a great job with this story. In particular, the imagery was excellent and the dialogue helped move things along at a brisk pace. The one line that caught me up a little was in the fourth paragraph when the narrative said "...and I felt my body turning green inch by inch." I think you need a little more to describe this sensation, because green is a visual cue and you're describing a physical sensation. What does turning green feel like?

Other than that, I thought this was a strong story. Nice job!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

360

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14 days may be credited.

#4382480

Review of I Write 2018

for entry "What is possible?"

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Purple Wishing WDC Happy 24th -

I am reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2018"

I thought you did a really good job with this story. Writing an engaging tale in less than 300 words is definitely not easy, and you managed to paint a vivid picture of the characters and the setting.

The one issue I had with the story was an unresolved statement in the third paragraph. You mentioned that Sam's choice to wear the rainbow-colored ribbons in her hair was a choice that your narrator understood as a deep need to feel close to her father. That a bit of an unusual statement, and one that I really wanted resolved in the story. I know 300 words is not a lot of room to play with, but that was such a stark, odd detail that I felt disappointed to not understand how rainbow-colored ribbons connected to her father by the end of the story.

Overall, I thought this was a solid entry for the DFFC. You managed to do a lot with only a few hundred words!

Thank you for the opportunity to read and critique your material. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

361

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14 days may be credited.

#4359489

Review of WHAT AM I?- Nephilim's Fall Chapter One

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Thanks for requesting a review! I appreciate the opportunity to review your item and, overall, I thought you did a really good job establishing the characters and the basic narrative. The pacing was good and kept my interest throughout.

If I had one suggestion for improvement, it would be to consider breaking up the chapters in a more definitive way. This first chapter featured multiple scenes and interactions and I couldn't help but feel like, because there was so much diverse material presented in the chapter, the chapter break itself was a little arbitrary. I would suggest breaking chapters at the natural divide between key scenes or interactions, so that each chapter is a standalone piece that just features that one interaction. By doing that, the reader will better understand the purpose and pacing of the chapter breaks rather than having them pop up at seemingly random places.

Overall, though, I thought this was a really interesting first chapter and the start of what could be a very compelling longer work. Nicely done!

I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"New & Noteworthy Things"

"Blogocentric Formulations"

362

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14 days may be credited.

#4345812

Review of To Begin Again ...

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings from Westeros!

My name is Jeff and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"

contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.

This was a really fun poem to read... and had a structure that actually makes sense to me! ABAB is about the extent of my sophistication with poetic styles.

I thought your imagery was great and really captured the style of flair of the steampunk genre. On top of that your word choice was sophisticated and diverse, but still managed to keep the pace of the read brisk and exciting.

I did catch two small typos:

In the first stanza, it should be “H.G. Wells’ work is done” or “H.G. Wells’s work is done,” but not “H.G. Well’s work is done” as you have it written.

And in the third stanza, it should be “Its vibrations disrupt time” (without the apostrophe).

As usual, though, the toughest criticism I can level at your poetry are a couple of typos.

You're an excellent poet and pieces like this are exactly why. This was entertaining, well structured, and evoked strong imagery. I always learn a lot from reading your work and this piece is certainly no exception. Thanks for always teaching me something.

I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

363

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14 days may be credited.

#4343392

Review of Who is She?

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Greetings from Westeros!

My name is Jeff and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"

contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.

I thought you did a fantastic job with the description in this piece. The sensory detail and imagery in the story is excellent; as a reader I could clearly visualize and imagine everything you were describing.

One of the things I struggled with while reading this piece, though, was understanding her intention as a character. Since the title is "Who is She?" I'm assuming there's meant to be some ambiguity about her identity (which is totally fine), but I didn't get a real sense of her purpose or objective here. I know she sense that it's going to be a special day, but is she anticipating anything in particular? Is she going about her normal everyday actions, or does she react differently knowing it's going to be a special day? Some additional context clues would be really helpful in making the woman in this piece more relatable.

Also, the change in perspective at the very end of the story was a little jarring. This is such an engaging piece, where we're totally immersed in the point of view of the unnamed woman, it's a little surprising and off-putting to suddenly, at the last minute, jump into the perspective of the bus driver. Personally, I think it would be a little more effective if we stayed with her POV the entire time, up to and including the point where she's gone, at which point the story ends.

I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

364

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14 days may be credited.

#4343213

Review of The Demon III: A Hell Of A Time

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

Greetings from Westeros!

My name is Jeff and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"

contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.

I really liked the pace of your story. There's a lot of action packed into just a few paragraphs, which makes for a very exciting read. I enjoyed the imagination you put into the piece as well, but if there's an area where I thought there could be some improvement it would be in the presentation. There were dozens of typos and other errors in each paragraph, and it did affect the readability somewhat.

Which is not to say that there's anything wrong with that if this is a first draft and you're just trying to get the idea out on paper. If that's the case, though, you might want to make a note somewhere in the item that it's a first or rough draft, or otherwise let people know that it's not supposed to read a completely finished and polished. That's what most people reading and reviewing items here on the site will assume unless told otherwise, so if this is an early draft, it might save you some very critical reviews if you're up front about the fact that this piece is early in the writing process.

On the other hand, if this is a finished piece you're posting, I'd recommend a thorough proofread to make sure you catch the typos and errors. There's nothing wrong with the occasional oversight, but you don't want the readability of the piece to be affected. While the pacing of this piece was good, I think it could be really great once the errors are ironed out so the read is a smoother experience for the reader.

I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

365

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14 days may be credited.

#4343197

Review of Shadows in the Dark

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Greetings from Westeros!

My name is Jeff and I'm reviewing your item on behalf of House Targaryen for the "Game of Thrones"

contest. Please keep in mind that the following are only my personal opinions.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I thought you did a good job with the detail and description, particular the visuals that the narrator experiences. I do have a couple of suggestions, however.

First, I would recommend delaying the reveal that the person tucking him in is not his mother. When you reveal it in the first paragraph, it takes away from the suspense and foreboding in the following paragraphs. I think it would be more effective and suspenseful to play that out a little by mentioning that the rustle of covers woke him, that he assumes it's mom come to apologize after the earlier argument, he must have dozed off and now she's back to make up... and BOOM, that's when he realizes that the person standing over his bed is not actually his mother. By playing with the delayed payoff of a story moment,
you can really build up the tension.

Second, I would do the same thing with the grandmother. He thinks it's his grandmother, he describes his grandmother, and then you lay it on the audience at the very end that she's been dead for 10 years. The more you can play with the reveal of information, the better you can stretch out the suspense and toy with your readers.

Finally, I would try to tie the ending into the beginning a little more. I really loved the sentiment of the last line... that when the darkness visits, one is drawn to look closer at the shadows... but I was hoping there would be a bit more of a reason for it. An explanation of why this is happening to the narrator. Early on in the story, it's unclear what the argument is about, but I think you have a really great opportunity to tie the nightmare he experiences into his earlier actions. What if, for instance, he's having the nightmare and the darkness is coming for him because he willfully did something bad and is now experiencing the consequences? Any time you can find a way to add some resonance to the actions and experiences your characters undergo, I think it adds an extra layer of meaning for an audience.

I hope you've found this feedback helpful! Thank you for the opportunity to check out your item.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

366

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14 days may be credited.

#4286673

Review of We Know Very Well

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Claude H. A. Simpson -

I'm participating in the "Note: TWO DAY CHALLENGE : Scavenger Hunt ...", for which one of the challenges is to review a poem by a member with more than five poems in their portfolio. This poem caught my eye, so I thought I'd send you a quick review to let you know that I really enjoyed this piece. I'm not particularly well-versed in poetry, but I thought the poem was well-structured, elegant, and really did a great job of highlighting the fact that we have no way of knowing where we'll ultimately end up, and that the only thing we can really do in this life is the best we can to make the right choices when faced with the opportunity to do so.

I don't think we've ever crossed paths on the site before, I'm glad that I had the opportunity to read your work and get to know a little about your voice as a writer. Nice work!

Best regards,

Jeff

367

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14 days may be credited.

#4250139

Review of In the Face of Apocalypse

Review by Jeff

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello Joto-Kai -

Thank you for sending me a review request! I was more than happy to check out your item and have enclosed the following comments for your consideration:

Overall, I thought this was a solid vignette that was well written and had compelling characters and dialogue within an interesting narrative. Where I had some concerns were with the fact that this is (as mentioned in your review request) a sample of a book edited to be somewhat standalone. You acknowledged that it's a weakness of the piece, and I have to say that I agree. As a reader, it felt a bit like being dropped into the middle of a story that had already been going on, and it was difficult to get a sense of the characters and narrative while feeling like so much information was missing from my understanding. While that feeling was somewhat mitigated as the events of the story went on, it could be a significant issue if you intend this to be a standalone piece for some purpose.

I suppose that naturally leads to the question of what the purpose of this piece is. If the standalone is meant as some kind of teaser or extra bonus for readers who are already familiar with the work (for example, a mailing list bonus to readers who are already familiar with a larger work featuring these characters), I think it's excellent. But if the standalone is meant to introduce an audience to these characters, I feel like there needs to be a little more context early on in order for readers to familiarize themselves with the backstory that led up to this point in time.

As I mentioned at the beginning of the review, overall I think you've got some intriguing characters here, and the piece is well written and compelling once the reader settles into the narrative. But if this is intended to be a standalone piece for people unfamiliar with the characters and their world, you might want to consider adding some material early on so the reader doesn't feel quite so lost for so long in such a short piece. Other than that, I really enjoyed this!

I hope you've found this review helpful and encouraging. Remember that these comments are only the opinion of one person, and it's ultimately up to you - the author - to decide which feedback to incorporate into your work. Thank you for the opportunity to share my thoughts; best of luck with your writing!

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

368

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14 days may be credited.

#4196373

Review of She Let Them In

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi Jen~ -

This review is being sent in connection with "The Dark Society"

's "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

activity. We're trying to do our part for the dark genres of Writing.Com by conducting a review raid on the most romantic day of the year! With that in mind, I've enclosed the following feedback about your item:

I enjoyed the imagery in this poem. I thought you did a good job with the description and the pacing, although I did think that the punctuation and capitalization felt a little off. While the use of punctuation is a personal choice on the part of the poet, there seemed to be some definite places where you were ending one sentiment and starting another, often with the use of a capital letter at the beginning of that next line. In those cases, I would recommend some kind of punctuation at the end of the previous line, just to help establish that the form you've chosen and the progression of your words call for a pause at those specific places. Without the accompanying punctuation, the erratic capitalization felt a little jarring. That formatting/structural issue aside, I really enjoyed the content of the poem and thought it was a solid Dark Dreamscapes entry. Nice work!

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

Community Activities ▼

369

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#4196371

Review of What Awaits You Beyond These Gates

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi 💙 Carly - aka Joan Watson -

This review is being sent in connection with "The Dark Society"

's "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

activity. We're trying to do our part for the dark genres of Writing.Com by conducting a review raid on the most romantic day of the year! With that in mind, I've enclosed the following feedback about your item:

This was a really, really good poem. I appreciate the fact that your verses are complex and have a lot going on in them; so much poetry involves short, staccato lines... it was refreshing to see one that isn't afraid to include more than four or five words on a line to really pack in the imagery and nuance. I thought this poem was a great take on the image prompt, and I love that you included it in your entry to share with the reader. Overall, I really enjoyed this read. Well done!

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

Community Activities ▼

370

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14 days may be credited.

#4112063

Review of Sinister Smiles

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Jo -

I thought you did a great job with this story. It was creepy, well written, and made great use of the prompt. I apologize for taking so long to get to this review, but I hope the wait was worth it, because this is my pick for the best entry of the round!

The only suggestion I would make is to consider switching it over to a static item... or at least choosing to create static items in the future. A campfire is traditionally for multiple users to collaborate on a story together; static items are traditionally what's used for short stories written by a single author.

I'm going to hold off on the Awardicon until I hear back from you (in case you want to change the item type and would prefer the new item be the one awarded), but your merit badge and GPs are on the way! Congratulations!

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

Community Activities ▼

371

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14 days may be credited.

#4111967

Review of Off Politics

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi NuThu -

I'm very sorry for the delay in reading your entry for the Sinister Stories Contest. Although it's currently on hiatus due to lack of free time on my part, I wanted to make sure that I got caught up on overdue reviews. I'm certainly glad I did, because this was an excellent story! I really enjoyed the entire read and thought you did a great job. Unfortunately you were the only qualifying entry during your round of the contest, but I'm including some GPs here as a consolation prize to show my appreciation for you taking the time to write such a compelling story. Thank you so much!

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

Community Activities ▼

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

372

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4088891

Review of Decay

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi Kei-chan -

This was a fun flash fiction horror story. I liked the twist at the end when you revealed that the narrator of the story wasn't quite what s/he (or the audience) originally thought, and the level of detail and description in the story was effective for such a short piece. Unfortunately, this story didn't post a word count anywhere in the item (which was a requirement for the contest), and didn't even mention the prompt for the January round, which was to feature something beneath the ice during a day of ice skating.

I enjoy your horror writing and would love to see a qualified entry eligible for judging in a future round.

I hope this review has been constructive, and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! Please also remember these comments are the opinion of one person and, as the author, it's up to you to decide which feedback to utilize. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

Jeff

If you're interested in checking out my work:
"Blogocentric Formulations"

"New & Noteworthy Things"

Community Activities ▼

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

373

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4079587

Review of "Kneeling At The Threshold"

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi SkyHawk - Into The Music

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following "Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"

review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

WHAT I LIKED

I enjoyed the pacing, the flow, and the imagery of this poem. It was long, which you warned about in the intro, but I don't think it was unduly so. You might be able to edit out a handful of stanzas in the interest of streamlining the whole poem, but I think it worked as a longform poem and it was certainly evocative and erotic.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

One of the big issues I had with the poem were that it seemed like sometimes there was a rhyme scheme and sometimes there wasn't. It led to a bit of frustration at feeling like I should see some kind of pattern that wasn't already there. Especially in a piece where you are mixing forms and having some lines rhyme and others not, you may want to mention that so the reader doesn't think that you're making form-related mistakes in the piece.

The other suggestion I have is to give the whole poem a thorough edit for extraneous words. This is a piece that seems to work best with a few impactful words rather than lots of excess or unnecessary ones, and there are several points where I think you could remove words without significantly altering the meaning of the line. For example:

"She came here with a goal"

"What be that price? She wonders"

"Kneeling in this darkened room she is"

"Feeling [His] powerful gaze that is His"

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

Overall, I really enjoyed this erotic poem. I don't read erotic poetry too often, but I think you did a great job at creating a vivid, entertaining, sensual poem. It would be my pleasure to feature it in the next UEN!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group"
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

374

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4073305

Review of Of Lovers and Sinners

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Shara-vacationing till Feb 20

-

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

It's difficult to make general comments on your writing style from just a few hundred words, but overall, I think you did a good job with the detail and description. You were clearly able to use sensory input to your full advantage and created vibrant imagery in just a few short paragraphs. I didn't get much of a sense of the characters, though.

The one suggestion I would make is to make sure the internal emotions of the narrator match the style with which you're writing. The scene you're depicting is told from the narrator's perspective in a relaxed, after-the-fact, satisfied kind of tone. We get the impression that this is a moment of tranquility and peace... but then the fourth paragraph talks about how her heartbeat is elevated and that she's getting the sensation of butterflies, which are typically anxious feelings that produce the opposite effect in someone. If we're in the same "post-coital" moment, it creates a conflicting tone to one moment be talking about how relaxed everything is, and then in the next moment portray your same narrator as nervous and edgy (even if it's in a good way).

I thought you did a good job with that twist at the end, although the "had I just sinned?" line could be improved. I think it's pretty clear that she's just sinned if she's with one man when she gets a text message from another who happens to be her husband. I think it might be more effective to go with the traditional "what have I done?" or perhaps something that isn't necessarily about questioning the morality of what she's done as much as questioning where she'll go from here. Perhaps, "Oh Dear God, how will I live with myself now?" or "Oh Dear God, what do I do now?" or "Oh Dear God, Ryan can never know about this."

Overall, I enjoyed the read and I think you've done a great job with the physical description in a scene. You write clearly and evocatively, and I think you did a good job on this short piece.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group"
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

375

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4071031

Review of Grandpa's Christmas Card

Review by Jeff

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Hi Danza

-

Thank you for sending me a review request! It's my pleasure to be able to enclose the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only my own opinions.

Overall, I think this is a wonderful tribute to your grandfather. The reader really gets a sense of how much he meant to you and your family, and you did an excellent job providing details that help readers feel like they get to know him a little. I have just a couple of relatively small suggestions for your consideration:

In the second paragraph, the line "We'd all sit around as the teetering stacks of presents grew before our eyes" is a little ambiguous. Do you mean that as presents are pulled out from under the tree (or elsewhere) and stacked in front of each person that the individual stacks grew? I mention this because I think there needs to be a little clarity; it sounds as if the actual number of presents in the room total is increasing magically somehow. I assume you're referring to the stacks of presents being passed out, but it might be worth clarifying since not everyone opens presents the same way... and for those of us who open one at a time, or don't otherwise subdivide them first, it might help to be clearer what you mean about "stacks of presents [growing] before [your] eyes."

I would have loved to have read an explanation for why your family opens presents on Christmas Eve when your grandfather opens his on Christmas. It seems like most traditions get passed down through the generations relatively intact (my family, for example, always opens them on Christmas Day... because that was how my parents did it... and that's how their parents did it; my wife's family, on the other hand, opens them on Christmas Eve... because that was how her parents did it... and that's how their parents did it). It would be a fascinating addition to the story to know why your grandfather has a different tradition from everyone else (and when/why it changed).

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!

Jeff

Please check out these groups:
"The Screenwriting Group"
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .