Jeff's (jeff) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

4,261 Public Reviews Given

4,390 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.

I'm good at...

Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.

Favorite Genres

I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.

476

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3837609

Review of Rendering

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Judge's Review

Hi fyn

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Excellent use of detail. Your description is vivid and really jumps off the page. It was a pleasure to read this story.

Good combined use of dialogue and description. One of the biggest problems I notice with stories is when the dialogue and the description are out of balance and there's far more of one than another. No problems with that here; you struck a great and even balance between the two elements.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The passage of time between the point where Emily acquires the house and creates paintings for the other townsfolk seemed a little confusing. How long was she in town before she painted the picture for Sarah?

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was a lovely story that was well-written, engaging, and a wonderful take on the prompt.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

477

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3837608

Review of Willow Wonderland

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Judge's Review

Hi drifter

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I like the character backstory you've created for your protagonist. It was believable and compelling and you did a good job of putting in just enough detail to make it clear for the reader without bogging them down in unnecessary description.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

There were quite a few typos/technical errors in the piece ("there" instead of their" in the first paragraph, missing closed quotation at the very end of the story, etc.) that made readability a little difficult; I would suggest a thorough proofread.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed the premise and thought you had a great character to work with. The execution could use a little polishing, but otherwise it was an enjoyable story. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

478

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3837605

Review of Gossamer Wings

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Judge's Review

Hi Cherokee Rose

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Good take on the prompt. I particularly liked the way you ended the story with an air of mystery.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I thought there were just a few too many questions that the narrator asked himself. Rhetorical questions can be a useful technique for moving the narrative along, but when there are a lot of them, they can sometimes become a little distracting. I would recommend picking a select few and filling them out with narrative description rather than writing question after question for the reader to follow along with.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed this entry. I thought it was a good concept that was executed well. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

479

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3837604

Review of Dragonflies

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Judge's Review

Hi Josh T. Alto

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I really enjoyed the ending of the story. I thought it concluded on an effective, emotional note the buildup to which was engaging and compelling.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I would have liked to have seen Robert's disappearance worked a little more into the story that suddenly appearing in the last few paragraphs. I think it would really engage the reader if they're struggling with his disappearance throughout the story.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a solid job on this contest entry. It was intriguing, interesting, and well-executed. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

480

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3837601

Review of Wishing for Wuzhen

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Judge's Review

Hi Shannon

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author should feel free use or disregard any of the following comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I loved the relationship between your father and daughter characters. There was something genuine and endearing about the story he tells her and their relationship as they spend these moments fishing together.

You did a great job of presenting the backstory about Lily's mother with a nice, steady pace. You don't overload the reader with details and, even though the story is primarily about communicating this information to his daughter, it never feels heavy-handed or expository.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

No suggestions for improvement; I like this story just the way it is.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. It was well-written, compelling, and a great use of the prompt. Nicely done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

481

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3825615

Review of How Much Longer?!

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi dolfo

-

As a newer member of this site, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to Writing.Com. Today is actually my 10th anniversary of being a member here, and I'm celebrating by hosting "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"

and giving away several prizes throughout the day. I've selected you as a recipient of one of 10 reviews I'm handing out today, which also comes with 10,000 Gift Points for you to spend as you please.

I'm enclosing the following review for your consideration, but please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of them as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think you did a great job capturing the emotion of feeling trapped inside some place, desperate to experience the outdoor things (like sunlight and rain) that many of us take for granted in our daily lives. Those experiences and emotions were detailed and descriptive and created a vivid image in the reader's mind.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I thought the repetition of "how much longer" at the end was a little over the top... I think you could achieve the same result with just three repetitions, or even the use of bold, italics, underlining, capitalization, etc. to make the emphasis more pronounced.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this item. I thought it was well-written, evocative and very compelling. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and again, welcome to Writing.Com! If you'd like to introduce yourself over at "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"

, please feel free to click on the link or the image at the bottom of this review and stop by to say hello!

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

482

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3825568

Review of simple and sweet

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (1.5)

Hi curtis

-

As a newer member of this site, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to Writing.Com. Today is actually my 10th anniversary of being a member here, and I'm celebrating by hosting "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"

and giving away several prizes throughout the day. I've selected you as a recipient of one of 10 reviews I'm handing out today, which also comes with 10,000 Gift Points for you to spend as you please.

I'm enclosing the following review for your consideration, but please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of them as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I like the concept of this poem about the ups and downs of the experience of love. You did a good job of capturing the emotions involved in something as complex (and simple) as love, and I think that there's a lot of potential in this piece of writing.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

There are a great many typos and technical errors in this piece, to the point where it made readability difficult. Since this is a short piece, I've copied and pasted your poem below, with the proper spelling/homonym/grammar in [brackets]. I would suggest going through your piece and fixing all the technical errors as it will make the writing seem much more polished and easier to read.

[Don't] trust a single [soul], words come from tongues and [sometimes] they [roll].
lies with [ease] like any easy breeze.
anything to keep the sun [shining].
[I'd] rather be dumb minded than aware of all the pain.
and [where] is all the pain?
[I] look your way but your expression has no change.
and [I] suppose [there's] little chance [of] once again feeling the same.
or feeling what we felt.
instead of nether regions
only shirt collars getting wet.
Disgusting is how [I] felt
when discussing about [myself].
it seems [I] let you down and now [I'm] forced to find [myself].

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I like the premise, but the execution needs a lot of work. If this is a rough draft, that's okay (although you may want to note that it's a draft), but a more polished presentation when it's finished will help other reviewers focus on the emotions and the meaning behind the piece, rather than the superficial technical details that need to be fixed. But you're off to a good start!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and again, welcome to Writing.Com! If you'd like to introduce yourself over at "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"

, please feel free to click on the link or the image at the bottom of this review and stop by to say hello!

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

483

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3825529

Review of Does true love exist?

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Adefolahan Bashirdeen Adeyemo

-

As a newer member of this site, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to Writing.Com. Today is actually my 10th anniversary of being a member here, and I'm celebrating by hosting "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"

and giving away several prizes throughout the day. I've selected you as a recipient of one of 10 reviews I'm handing out today, which also comes with 10,000 Gift Points for you to spend as you please.

I'm enclosing the following review for your consideration, but please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of them as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think there's a lot of truth to the attributes to true love that you've listed. This is clearly a well-developed thought and the item really makes the reader stop and think about which of those elements are present in or missing from their own relationships.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

TYPO: "Yes, true love [definitely] exists, but it isn't how most people think it is."

Having two separate numbering schemes in the item was a little confusing. Since you're listing the same thing (attributes of true love), I think you might be better off clarifying them with one cohesive list rather than two separate ones.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I like the concept of this piece and can tell you put a lot of thought into the content. Combining the two separate lists into one complete list will make things a little more streamlined, but other than that, it was an enjoyable, informative read. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and again, welcome to Writing.Com! If you'd like to introduce yourself over at "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"

, please feel free to click on the link or the image at the bottom of this review and stop by to say hello!

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

484

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3825385

Review of Free Australian Alliance

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi K.P. McCulley

-

As a newer member of this site, I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to Writing.Com. Today is actually my 10th anniversary of being a member here, and I'm celebrating by hosting "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"

and giving away several prizes throughout the day. I've selected you as a recipient of one of 10 reviews I'm handing out today, which also comes with 10,000 Gift Points for you to spend as you please.

I'm enclosing the following review for your consideration, but please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of them as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a great job setting up the backstory for what you mention in your intro description is a larger "Beyond the Fire" universe. In comparatively few words you managed to convey a lot of information about the state of affairs (politics, personal agenda, etc.) in the present setting, and clearly established the character of Admiral Adams (and to a lesser extent, his daughter) to play a major role in that larger story.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I did feel like this item, in and of itself, wasn't much of a short story. As background and exposition, it's a great jumping-off point for a larger narrative... but as a standalone short story it's missing a story arc that gives us a definitive beginning, middle, and end. I would suggest either adding a little more to this piece to make it a full-fledged and complete short story, or perhaps adding this small bit into the larger narrative you're working on, as maybe a prologue or an introduction.

PUNCTUATION: "The massive Arc vessels pushed [faster and faster;] faster than any Terran had gone before."

TYPO: "He smiles a bit as this [woman] fills the sterile room with warmth..."

TYPO: "Dad, if it wasn't for you, the [Arcs] would never [have] made it into orbit." (Based on the second sentence of the story, which refers to the ships as "Arcs."

TYPO: "We don't even know [if] this planet they are sending us to is habitable."

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a great introduction to the larger "Beyond the Fire" world that you're creating. Although this item on its own was lacking a little bit of narrative structure, you clearly established the character of Admiral Adams, which is by far the more important task given that you're writing a larger body of work featuring him. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material, and again, welcome to Writing.Com! If you'd like to introduce yourself over at "SoCalScribe's 10th Anniversary Gala"

, please feel free to click on the link or the image at the bottom of this review and stop by to say hello!

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

485

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824773

Review of A word of silence

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi ShiningSword

-

Today, "The Dark Society"

is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I really liked the premise of this poem. I think it was a good idea and really has the potential to be a resonant, affecting piece of writing.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

There were quite a few tense shifts in the structuring of this piece. Since it's relatively short, I've copied and pasted the item below with my corrections to make everything the proper tense:

This silence
[Makes] my heart beat
So fast
That I feel nervous

It seems
Like silence
Was ruining
The peace in me

It's quiet
I know
But it [has] a word
It [wants] to say something

But how will [I] know
If it speaks
A word
In "silence"

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a great idea for a poem... by polishing up the conflicting tense issue, I think it will be a much stronger piece. Great start, though!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

486

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824772

Review of Night Vision

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Joy

-

Today, "The Dark Society"

is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I really loved the tone and cadence of this piece. It was an evocative, quick item that was fun and entertaining to read. You did a great job of navigating the narrow precipice between horror and comedy, never going too far in one direction or the other.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

No suggestions for improvement. I thought this poem was great.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. I thought you did a fantastic job with it and I'm impressed with your ability to include both the comedy and horror genres in the same short poem.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

487

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824769

Review of Shinnying tones of music boxes

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi Rose

-

Today, "The Dark Society"

is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Loved the twist and the end of this poem. I thought it was well structured and built toward a surprising realization at the very end. It was easy to follow and flowed well. Nicely done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

There were a couple of formatting/technical issues. The line should read, "Low snarls [silence] the melodies" and the fourth to last line ("The creature from the closet is the fear") actually splits the first word leaving the "t" on the line above it.

I really liked the idea of the monster in the closet being a person's own worst self, but I felt a little disconnect between that concept and the description of things unrelated to that closet a little earlier in the piece.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this piece has a lot of potential. It's a great concept and I think you did a good job with the detail and description. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

488

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824768

Review of There Comes A Time

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Scarecrow_Poet

-

Today, "The Dark Society"

is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought this was a great homage to one of Poe's most enduring and famous works. You really captured the essence and sense of uncertain terror that was present in "The Raven" while still putting your own spin on it.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The couplet "Who is there tapping at my door / 'Tis a quarter past four?" felt a little off to me... the second line was noticeably shorter than it's counterpart, which caused a bit of a skip as I was reading.

In the couplet, "No more fun and games to who taps on this door," I think the second line would be stronger if it were, "I will settle for this indecency [no] more" rather than saying "once more" and implying that he's not quite at his wit's end just yet.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I had a great time reading this item and thought you really did a wonderful job capturing the style of Poe in your own work. Nice job!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

489

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824767

Review of Ghost Rider

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Legerdemain

-

Today, "The Dark Society"

is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Great imagery! In four short, concise stanzas you still managed to create detail and description that left a vivid image in my mind as I read. Excellent word choice and structure; this was a real pleasure to read.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I can't think of anything that needs improvement.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this was a great short poem. It was clear, evocative, well-written and well-structured, and had me captivated from beginning to end. Great work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

490

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824761

Review of The Devin Chronicles

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Shannon

-

Today, "The Dark Society"

is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought you did a fantastic job with this story. The journal entry from Devin was both entertaining and chilling, especially when he's providing the reader with a list of suggestions about how to survive.

The level of detail and description is excellent. I thought you included some wonderful, descriptive information that really helped the story come alive. As usual, your attention to detail and ability to describe the narrative never disappoints.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The one thing I didn't understand was Devin's need to hide his journals in relatively secure locations (i.e. taped under a slide, hidden in a toilet tank, etc.) rather than simply leaving them where they are accessible. Are the LD's intelligent enough to notice the journal and possibly use it to find him at his next location? I guess I was hoping for a little more clarity about why he needs to conceal the journals so completely if the goal is for other people to find and read them.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was a great short story and a wonderful take on the prompt. It was well-written, entertaining, and was a fresh take on the zombie genre. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

491

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824759

Review of Read This; It's FREE!

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi The StoryMaster

-

Today, "The Dark Society"

is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

This is a really great item that really highlights all the things that users can do on Writing.Com without paying a dime. There are a lot of people out there who look only at what they can't do, or all the ways in which their free accounts are limited, and don't often take the time to realize just how many activities and opportunities this site provides for members free of charge and independent of having a paid membership. Items like these are important to remind all of us of just how many different things can be done on the site, most of them without spending a single cent.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The only thing I noticed was that it says, "And it looks like you can have access to post up to 5 items in your portfolio: FOR FREE." Isn't it currently 10 items? Just wanted to double check.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was a really great item. I enjoyed being reminded about all the great free services the site has, and I think it's an important piece that newer users should be pointed to during those inevitable times where someone feels they're being deprived of a great experience on the site just because some features require a paid membership. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

492

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824749

Review of Jackie Boy's Stroll

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Toby

-

Today, "The Dark Society"

is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought you did a great job with the detail and description in this story. It was just enough to create vivid imagery for the reader without bogging them down and slowing the pace of the read. The streets of London came alive as you wrote about Jackie Boy's venturing into the seedier part of the city.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The only small suggestion I would make is to consider the description of the fruit cart wares as "wilting." Later in the story, Jackie Boy tries them and admires their excellent flavor, but being described as wilting implied that they were slowly turning bad. A very minor point, I know.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I thought it was well-written, engaging, and very entertaining. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

493

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824748

Review of Just A Nightmare

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Joe E.

-

Today, "The Dark Society"

is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You set a great tone for your story. It was creepy and mysterious and you did a wonderful job using the unknown to create a sense of foreboding and uncertainty with your audience. Well done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I would suggest writing with a more active voice. There was a tendency in this story to write very matter-of-fact, declarative, and in some cases even passive sentences. If you were to make the language a little more present and active, you would create an even greater sense of dread and better pacing in your story. For example, the paragraph that begins with, "I couldn’t go back to sleep that night. I was trembling out of pure fear, something I had not done since the days..." could be made more active by removing the "was" in the second sentence so it reads, "I couldn’t go back to sleep that night. I trembled out of pure fear, something I had not done since the days." Even tiny changes like that can make a big difference in how your reader perceives the words on the page.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall I think this was a good effort. Your atmosphere and tone were great and, with a bit of a more active and immediate writing style, I think you could truly terrify your audience.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

494

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3811931

Review of December 2012 "What A Character" entry

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Walkinbird 3 Jan 1892

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I really enjoyed the first half of your story, detailing the reasons your character ran away from home and embarked on a foreign adventure. I was a little confused about whether running into the grandmother was an intentional or coincidental occurrence and how the last line ties into the story, but I thought you had a great take on the prompt by making it a story about a runaway. Nicely done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

495

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3811924

Review of Thirteen

Review by Jeff

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Shannon

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

It's always a pleasure to read your work. As usual, your character work and description are excellent and the story was engaging from beginning to end. If I had one small quibble it would be that I would have liked to have seen the "visit to a foreign country" prompt used a little more centrally in the narrative, but the story itself is excellent and the characters were memorable. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

496

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3811923

Review of The Enigma

Review by Jeff

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Oldwarrior

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I really enjoyed the detail and description in this story. It was an excellent take on the prompt and you created a unique, engaging narrative that had me hooked from the beginning all the way through the end. I thought you were particularly adept at working in the historical details and information between bits of narrative and dialogue. It's not easy to weave those things together, and you did a great job.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

497

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3811920

Review of Elizabeth Dawson Life changing adventure

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi kat

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought you did a good job with this story. Your take on the prompt was compelling and I enjoyed the characters you created. If I could make one technical suggestion it would be to split up the paragraphs with a space between each one, just so the paragraph blocks on the screen have a bit white space between them and read a little easier. Other than that, I think your story was a solid effort. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

498

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3804462

Review of The Sphere

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Pop

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group"

for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Great twist at the end. The story does a great job of setting up our human paranoia and feeling that we're always at risk of being attacked. Giddings is great in her role as the voice of reason and there is an excellent dynamic between her and the generals as they try to advise the President on a responsible course of action.

Good use of detail. From SETI to NORAD to the use of the DEFCON defense condition rating, you included enough relevant details so that the reader really feels like he or she is in the room with the President, going through their options and weighing their choices.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I think you could easily cut the first few paragraphs and come into the story a little later without any ill effects. For example, if you removed everything from, "Mr. President" to "On my way, sir," you could then start the story with the line, "'Mr. President.' The collective greeting reverberated around the White House briefing room as President Scott entered." Starting here not only begins the story on the same note, but it gets us right into the heart of the story right away. You could would a few of the necessarily details from the earlier paragraphs in at this point and the story would start right off the bat with a more engaging immediate situation of the President walking into a room to deal with a crisis, rather than having a lead-in to that scene.

TYPO: "Sir, I strongly urge you to consider destruction of this [device]."

TYPO: "It's made up of three different metal compounds, [none] of which are found anywhere on earth." ('Neither' would be appropriate if there were only two items, but since there are more than two, 'none' is the appropriate word here.)

TYPO: "How long before they reach Earth's orbit?" President Scott [inquired].

It felt like there were a few too many of the same arguments between Giddings and the generals. Obviously this is the central conflict of the story, but I would try to make this conflict and the back-and-forth escalate a little more. As is, they essentially just say the same thing over and over again, with the generals wanting an offensive military solution and Giddings wanting to wait to see what the alien contact will bring them. While this is a great throughline to have in the story, I would suggest finding different ways of presenting that information so the story remains fresh and engaging rather than depicting the same argument repeatedly.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I think you did a great job coming up with a compelling sci-fi story that teaches us (as all great science fiction does) a little bit about ourselves as we read it. This story is a great example of the kinds of panicked and paranoid thinking that so often causes us to jump to conclusions and get into trouble. You presented that theme in a coherent and engaging story that was a pleasure to read. Nicely done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

499

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3801964

Review of Why Writing.Com Isn't Helping Writers

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi onaya3

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Talent Pond"

for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought this was a really well-written, thoroughly researched article. I particularly liked all the links you provided to other resources that concerned readers and writers can use to conduct research of their own.

You did a great job of defining a vanity publisher and the differences between those publishers, traditional publishers, and independent authors publishing their own work. It's an important distinction to make and I think you did a good job of explaining it to your audience.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I felt that the title of the article was a little misleading in terms of the actual content. While the title is, "Why Writing.Com Isn't Helping Writers," I think the article would more appropriately be titled, "Why Vanity Publishers Aren't Helping Writers." There was only a brief reference to the fact that some vanity publishers advertise on Writing.Com (and that WdC should not be supporting these kinds of advertisements), and while that's a valid point to make, I felt that the majority of the article was about the dangers and pitfalls of vanity publishers and their practices and, thus, would be a more apt title for this very informative article.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with this article. Personally, I'm torn in my opinion of Writing.Com's role in advertising these publishers. On the one hand, I dislike the idea that these organizations - many of which make their money by charging writers for dubious services - are prominently displayed on a website designed to promote and encourage writers. On the other hand, though, Writing.Com is also a business and I understand that an advertiser is an advertiser and business owners don't always have the luxury of turning down ad revenue from paying clients.

Regardless, I thought this was an excellent article that sheds light on the important issue of vanity publishers. Vanity publishing may be the right choice for some writers, but every writer should understand the difference between vanity publishing and true independent/self-publishing in order to make the decision that's right for them and their writing goals.

Great work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

A review signature for Talent Pond members.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

500

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3787124

Review of The Submerged Items of WdC

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Nixie🦊

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"

and "The Talent Pond"

for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I could really relate to this piece. I don't consider myself a poet by any stretch of the imagination either... I dabble in it when I'm faced with the challenge of a particular form (to me they're like word jigsaw puzzles), but most poetry, especially free form poetry, just doesn't make much sense to me.

I love the fact that you included one of your own poems after being honest about your feelings on this particular style of writing. That requires a lot of courage and you did a great job.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I'm a little confused about references to the poetically inclined on WdC as "the submerged half." It seems to me like every time I turn around someone's poetry is popping up... in random read, in a contest, etc. I wonder if prose fiction or nonfiction is actually the submerged half?

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, you did a wonderful job with this item. I really liked the thought you put into it and your words came across and honest and engaging. Very well written and great choice of topic! Well done.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

I'm participating in Halloween Review Stew! Click the image to make some too!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .