Jeff's (jeff) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

4,263 Public Reviews Given

4,392 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.

I'm good at...

Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.

Favorite Genres

I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.

526

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3625317

Review of Stuck On You

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Summer Wind is Healing

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a great job setting up the punchline at the end. By making so much of Mary's time consumed by wondering about the flies, you effectively set the audience up so that the punchline/explanation was satisfying. It explained the strange occurrence with a humorous twist. Nice work!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I would suggest "less is more" when it comes to your description. There's a tendency to cram one too many adjectives and descriptors into the sentence in this story, and I think it would flow a little better if you selected only the best few words to describe each concept. For example, one sentence reads, "He had just bought a brand new red Jaguar sports car..." and I think it would read a little better if you pared it down a little to something like, "He had just bought a brand new red sports car..." or "He had just bought a brand new red Jaguar..." The use of both 'Jaguar' and 'sports car' actually uses two different nouns to describe the same thing, much as if I were to say, "My wife and his sister decided to..." rather than the simpler and clearer versions, "My wife decided to..." or "His sister decided to..." The clearer and simpler the description, the more vibrant it will be for the reader.

I thought that the flies remaining on top of his head was a little confusing. Was the fly ointment something to trap them, or something to attract them? I think that needs to be clarified a little (i.e. that it's something to make them stick), because it seemed like a great deal of the story focused on the fact that they didn't budge while the world around them was windy and chaotic. In that sense, I think it needs to be reinforced that the ointment had trapped them there. If it just attracted them, I would have liked to have seen more emphasis on the attraction (i.e. they're always around him) rather than these specific flies remaining where they are.

Three typos I noticed. In the paragraph that begins, "Am I going crazing?" it should be "Am I going crazy?" Also, there's a close quotation after 'really there' even though the actual closed quotation is at the end of the next sentence. You just need to remove that errant close quotation in the middle of her thoughts. Also, in the paragraph that begins, "Finally, Mark pulled the vehicle over..." it should be 'diner' not 'dinner.'

Formatting-wise, there seems to be a lot of white space between the last line of your story and the bottom of the page. I would delete those extra spaces so there's not such a big gap on the page beneath the story.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed this story. I thought it was very creative and entertaining, and you certainly came up with a great twist at the end. I think the execution feels a little rough and could use some work, but with a quick rewrite, this could be an excellent short story.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

Animated Penguin Simply Positive review signature

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

527

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14 days may be credited.

#3607190

Review of The Anniversary of My Previous Birthday

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi THANKFUL SONALI HAPPY WDC 24

-

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought you had a great comedic twist at the end of this story. It was presented in an entertaining and enjoyable way, with some familiar characters.

This piece was well written and fun to read.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I think the story would benefit from a little more detail and description about your character's complete and utter lack of cooking skills. I think this story provides a great opportunity to really build the humor at the end by playing up the calamities in the kitchen at the beginning. Just a small suggestion and the story was enjoyable as it is, but I think this might make the story even stronger.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job incorporating the prompt and the genre into your entry. This was an entertaining, enjoyable entry. Nice job!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in this month's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

528

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3601053

Review of The Creature (2nd. Twisted Tales)

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams

-

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a great job with the tone all the way through the story. There's definitely a creepy, suspenseful vibe every step of the way, which can be difficult to do in a short horror story. Well done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I thought that the prompt took a bit of a backseat in the story. There were elements of a superpower present, but it was largely a horror story about a creature instead. That doesn't make the story any worse for it, but in terms of a contest entry, I would have liked to have seen the prompt itself used a bit more as a central aspect of the story.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a good job with this story. It was tense and creepy and suspenseful all the way through. A solid Sinister Stories entry!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

529

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3601046

Review of Ungifted

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Sean Conklin

-

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I like your take on the prompt. You definitely used superpowers in a dark way, and it was consistent with a lot of popular science fiction along the same lines which features others trying to co-opt the powers for their own use. You included all those elements in a fresh and exciting way. Nice job!

Good use of horror genre conventions. Especially toward the end where Damien takes drastic action to prevent his power from being captured by others, you really did a wonderful job of making the reader squirm and cringe.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I noticed that your story came it at just over 1,000 words, which is half of what the contest allows for. Not that there's any word minimum or anything, but with that much extra space to work with, I would have loved to have seen you go into a little more detail about the world you've created... how people got superpowers in the first place, more about what Damien's life was like when they first manifested (before he went on the run), etc. With an extra thousand words to work with, I think there could have been some great additional moments in a story with such intriguing characters and action.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with this story. You wrote a compelling tale that addressed the prompt and had everything I was looking for in a Sinister Stories entry.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

530

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3598921

Review of story tales from the mafia

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

Hi tj

-

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Unfortunately, this story does not qualify for judging in the September 2011 round of the Sinister Stories Contest. Please see below for specific notes.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

This item exceeds the 2,000 word limit for Sinister Stories entries and, as far as I can tell, does not address the stated prompt of a dark/horror take on a superpower.

From a technical standpoint, the story is very rough, containing numerous errors in spelling and grammar. Among the most prominent are the lack of paragraph breaks and quotation marks for dialogue, missing punctuation from contractions, run on sentences, and use of the wrong words (their/there/they're, our/are, you're/your, etc.). I've taken the liberty of pasting your opening paragraph below, with formatting suggestions to improve readability and appearance. Please note that this doesn't address the content of the writing, just the technical presentation of the words you've written, with as few alterations as possible:

One night, four mobsters had to go visit there their boss Louis White to go figure out when they would get there their payments. Darlene was very upset about the delay and kept wanting an answer.

"Tommy," Darlene said with a lot of frustration. "Is this the place?"

"Yes Unno, this is the casa were we are supposed to meet Louis White."

The casa was really dark and they pull up to the casa which is really grey and with a old wood door. Soon, as they walk up to the casa door, Louis White answers and says, "Well hello. I see you guys decided to come out."

Darlene says, "Yeah and you kept us waiting a long time."

Tommy then says, "Darlene, he is a very busy man and are our boss. Don't ruin this for us."

Then Louis White says he understands Darlene being upset and he would be too if he waited for a payoff after a bank heist. He said, "You guys will be set for life after this payment I give you all, but please join me in cena because I have some storys stories to tell you. That is, if you guys want the payment, because these storys stories will indeed freak you out."

Joey says, "Hahaha, what the fuck are you telling us horror storys stories for?"

Louis White replies, "I figured you guys would like to know that even big mafia bosses have storys stories that are not always what they seem."

The four gangsters, out of respect, sit down in the chairs at the table as they have cena as there their boss tells them the story, hoping to suck up to Louis White.

The item was more of a collection of smaller vignettes than an actual short story with the same characters and a consistent narrative throughout. While there's nothing wrong with vignettes per se, the contest itself looks more for a single short story rather than a collection of flash fiction stories.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this entry unfortunately just didn't work for the Sinister Stories contest. I think that with a lot of revisions and rewriting, you could find a compelling story in there, but the execution needs a lot of work as it's written. If this is a story that's really important to you, keep at it and keep working until it's where you want it to be.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

531

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3597968

Review of Skeletons And Monsters

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi M.M. Anderson

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

As promised, I'm stopping by your port and returning the favor of a review. I thought you did a really great job with these lyrics. I don't know much about songwriting, but there was a clear rhythm to the lyrics and I found it easy to follow along with the pacing of the song. Nice work!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

My only small suggestion would be to possibly include some kind of reference to the type of song you see this as. Perhaps in the item intro description, or at the top of the item before the lyrics... but I think it would be great to know whether you see this as a rock song, country song, R&B song, etc.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with these lyrics. I can definitely imagine a song/melody around it and think it flows well. Great job!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

532

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3595068

Review of The Internet - Good or Evil

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hi Beatle Guthrie

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Showering Acts of Joy review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought you did a great job explaining both the benefits and the detriments of a technology-centric environment. Like many things, technology is only good or bad when driven to excesses and can be a great resource when used responsibly. At the same time, the potential for overuse or even abuse is all around us and something that we must constantly strive to avoid.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

While your essay was entitled "The Internet - Good or Evil," the essay really seemed to be more about technology in general, especially since you specifically mention the young age at which kids have cell phones. The reference to the phones made me feel like this essay was more geared toward modern technology in general, and not specifically the internet.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed your essay. I think you took a defined position, defended it well, and backed up your argument with solid examples that a reader can identify with. I would have liked to have seen the essay a little more focused on the internet (or, alternately, the essay titled something about technology in general), but everything else was well written and well presented. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

533

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3593970

Review of The Photos

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi H G Spurlock

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I really liked the concept of who the girl really was and what she represented to the narrator. I thought it was clever, interesting and engaging particularly with how she approached your main character (i.e. leaving the photos first, then appearing in the house). You did a great job of establishing the mystery elements early and letting them play out as the story unfolded.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Thematically, I'm a little unsure of the story's purpose. If the girl is indeed an amalgamation of all the girls he could have had if he had tried, I think that the photos being left on the iPad undercut the message of putting yourself out there and trying for a relationship, because it gives him something tangible to hold onto, even if he doesn't change. I would have liked to have seen an ending that pushes him more firmly toward the resolution that if he wants a girl in his life, he has to do something about it... and if he doesn't, he'll end up with nothing.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I thought it was entertaining and engaging; you did a great job using mystery elements to your advantage. It would be a pleasure to feature this item in the next issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

534

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3591755

Review of You Poetry Reviewers

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Summer Wind is Healing

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

This was a very creative and entertaining item. You pointed out some great, astute observations about some poetry reviewers and gave your reader something to consider long after they've finished reading the poem.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I could not find anything in need of improvement in this piece. Nice work!

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with this piece. It was an enjoyable, insightful read. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

535

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3591753

Review of Mystery Meat

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Eli Crow

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think you presented the truth behind the "mystery meat" well. The story was short, to the point, and kept the reader engaged throughout as we discover what has happened to these survivors, and indeed just how far they've had to go in order to survive.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

While I like the fact that you ended each paragraph with "the good folks at Midwest Nuclear Research had seen to that," I felt that the story as a result posed the mystery to the reader of what those good folks actually did... and in that respect, I was hoping for some resolution to that matter and an explanation of what those people did to cause this calamity.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was an enjoyable, entertaining short story. I think you're definitely on the right track. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

536

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3591731

Review of WORKING IN THE MILL

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Itchy Water~fictionandverse

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought you did a really great job with this poem. It was well written, well structured and effective. I particularly liked the way you handled the subject matter with care and maturity. Very well done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I think you did an excellent job with this poem as written.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

This is a poem that is simple in its presentation, elegant in the way it delivers its message, and satisfying to read. All the things a great poem should be. Good work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

537

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3587454

Review of Early Birds versus Night Owls

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi An apple a day....

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Showering Acts of Joy review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think this was a really fascinating piece that you did a great job of presenting in a simple, straightforward, and easy-to-understand way. I also like the fact that you included the source where you read about the study so that any of us who are interested can track it down and read for ourselves (which I just might do)!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The one thing that I found a little confusing about the study was what was meant by "night owls" and "early birds." Did both groups get up naturally (i.e. without the aid of an alarm clock or other forced means of waking) and the study just divided the group into people who naturally woke up earlier or later... or was the purpose of the study to monitor whether forcing oneself to wake up early was detrimental compared to waking from sleep naturally?

The other part I thought could use a little more explanation was the correlation between the concepts of our circadian clocks and our homeostatic process that dictates when we need to sleep. I think it's fascinating that these two processes are connected and I think some more detail would help explain those concepts for readers who perhaps aren't well versed in those processes.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a very thought-provoking and engaging article. Personally, I have the ability to wake up early and function well... but if given the choice, I'm much more of a night owl. If given the choice, I would love to have a schedule that would let me wake up naturally around 10AM or 11AM, and then go to bed around 3AM.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

538

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3586910

Review of Fox Paw

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hi Fanged Smile

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Showering Acts of Joy review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

This was a wonderful story with a great moral to it. Your description was excellent... just enough detail to create a memorable, vivid image in the reader's mind without sacrificing pace. Five hundred words was the perfect length for this story, IMO. Just long enough to make an important point, and short enough that it can be enjoyed and appreciated all at once.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The only thing about this story that I thought could have been improved was in the explanation of why the narrator's choice was necessary. If the mother was leaving with the other siblings, why did she have to stay behind? Did the judge grant custody of one child? Or was he somehow a threat or a danger to the rest of the family and staying with him was the only way to get him to back off? I think this story just needed a little tiny bit more detail in this regard, to help the reader understand the significance of the choice your protagonist made, both for herself and in terms of appeasing her father/saving the rest of her family.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a great job with this story. It was poignant, engaging, and really resonated with me. Excellent work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1804482 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

539

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3586897

Review of Where were you both last night?

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hi PaupersPen

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Showering Acts of Joy review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I liked the way you set up this piece, establishing that the kids were in trouble and being questioned by the parents, only to have the tables turned and it end up being the parents who are ultimately questioned by the kids. Really well done structure and execution.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I felt like the explanation that leads up to the surprise ending was a little confusing. I was a little unclear about whether their friends' parents were each having affairs with one their parents; I think that's what happened, but the way the explanation was presented compelled me to read it two or three times before I felt like I understood what was being said.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed this story. It was short, to the point, and an entertaining read with some great humor. I think the execution could use a little refining, but it's otherwise an excellent flash fiction story. Nice job!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1534736 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

540

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3586880

Review of If I Ever Met A Guy

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hi AdelineRonelle

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Showering Acts of Joy review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think you have a very mature view of what you're looking for in a guy. I like the fact that you respect yourself enough not to settle for just anyone, and especially not someone who feels like they have to impress you (or their friends) by being immature in their behavior or attitudes. I truly hope that you find someone that gets you excited about the prospect of dating and spending time with him.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I couldn't think of anything that needed improvement in this piece. It was well written, engaging, and you effectively expressed your intent.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I really enjoyed this item. I thought you did a great job writing about a difficult topic with maturity and sophistication.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1534736 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

541

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3586809

Review of An Exclusive Gated Community

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hi David Colton

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Showering Acts of Joy review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I love the fact that you used "exclusive gated community" as a euphemism for prison. It definitely caught me by surprise after reading your title and intro description to all of a sudden realize that the term had a whole different meaning than most of us assume it does. Well done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I would almost rather have the mention of your friend's true accommodations revealed at the very end of the item instead of in the opening paragraph. I think the longer you can draw it out (and the more parallels you can use to lead your readers into a false assumption), the more satisfying it will be as a humorous reveal.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with this item. It was short, effective, and definitely surprised me when I realized where your friend really lived. Great work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1534737 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

542

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3586386

Review of Trick or Treat

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I love the premise of this story. It started out great; really dark and intriguing... then became even more engaging once the reader finds out what the protagonist really is. You did a great job developing the characters and showing him make the transition from selfish to selfless. The last line of the story was the real clincher for me; what a great way to end the story!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I couldn't find anything in need of improvement. I thought you did a great job with the story, as-written.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought you did a really great job with this story. It would be a pleasure to feature it in this week's issue of the official Horror/Scary newsletter.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

543

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3586352

Review of Reflector.

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Princess

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I loved the character in this story. He has such an intense fear of mirrors/reflections that it creates compelling drama and an intriguing mystery. I thought you did a great job setting up that aspect and executed it well.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I felt that the changing point of view/perspective made the story feel a little awkward. The first part of the story is entirely in the first person, where we're seeing through the character's eyes as he goes about his daily routine... and then we're transitioned not just into the third-person perspective, but into a point of view that sees the very same character in a detached and objective way. I think that the story would be stronger and more effective if it were only told from one point of view... or if the transition from one perspective to the other were a little less abrupt.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed this story and thought you did a great job creating a memorable character. This story definitely fits with the isolation/being alone theme that I'm writing about in the next issue of the official Horror/Scary newsletter and it would be a pleasure to feature this item in that issue.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

544

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3586347

Review of PARADISE - chapt 1

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Write-fully Loti

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a great job setting the stage for the second chapter. There's definitely some intrigue there, especially with your last paragraph. Overall, it feels like this story is really about to take off, which should be the goal of every first chapter.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I think a little more detail and description would help cement the tone and the atmosphere in the reader's mind. I thought that the story - as a whole - worked and progressed nicely, but I think a little more time spent setting up this secluded location would help give the reader an even greater sense of dread at Beth being out here all alone with Tony.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a great first chapter. It definitely fits with the topic of isolation and being alone which I'm featuring in the next official Horror/Scary newsletter and it would be a pleasure to feature this item in that issue.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

545

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3586334

Review of Alone

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Sophy

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I loved the structure of this piece. It was well written and the format really lent itself well to a fluid, efficient read. You did a great job with the imagery and the message of this piece; it was an all-around touching and endearing piece.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I couldn't find anything that would improve this item. I enjoyed it as-written.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a great job with this poem. I know that it's not exactly a horror poem in the traditional sense of the word, but this week's official Horror/Scary Newsletter is about being alone and isolation... and it would be a pleasure to feature this item.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

546

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3586310

Review of Haunted Hallway

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Captain Colossal

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought you did a great job with the atmosphere in this story. It was creepy without being too scary; the perfect amount of tension and suspense for a children's horror story, complete with the surprise and welcome happy ending. All in all, this was a very entertaining story.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

In the third paragraph, the comment about her "wanting to do this" and "[thinking] she was being brave" felt unresolved by the end of the story. I know it's ultimately only a 250-word story, but it felt a bit like there was a setup here that asks the reader to wonder what she's wanting to do... and then that question isn't answered by the end of the tale. I would suggest either removing the line or figuring out a way to work in an explanation so that there aren't any loose ends or unresolved issues in the story.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a good job with this story. It was entertaining and featured the feeling of being alone and isolated, which is the topic for this week's Official Horror/Scary Newsletter. It would be a pleasure to feature your item!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

547

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3583052

Review of The Innocent

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi billwilcox -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

As with all of your stories, you did a great job with characterization, pacing, and description. From start to finish, your stories always captivate me and this one is certainly no exception. I really felt for Charlie and his father as they went through the traumatic events of both the death of Joan, and the ordeal with Toby up at the lake.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Honestly, I couldn't find anything in need of improvement. I thought all the characters were well developed, the story had me hooked from the very beginning, and the tone of the piece was dark and ominous, especially toward the end.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

It's always a pleasure to read your stories, Bill, and this one is certainly no exception. Great job, all around.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

548

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3583022

Review of The Big Lie

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Hyperiongate

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Talent Pond review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

This was a very well presented and well argued essay against some common misconceptions perpetuated by the GOP. You did an excellent job of presenting the arguments on each issue, and then backing up those assertions with information. While I know that changing people's minds (especially when it comes to money and politics) is almost never as easy as reading one article or essay, or watching one news report, I don't know if anybody could read this item of yours without at least seriously questioning what's going on... and if real change is going to be enacted, it needs to start with thought-provoking assertions like these.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Honestly, I could not find anything in need of improvement in this essay. It was well presented and effective as written.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was an outstanding item that argued both persuasively and energetically. It's clear that you're passionate about the topic, and I think that anyone who reads this item (myself included) won't be able to help begin to feel the same passion and conviction that you've shown. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

A review signature for Talent Pond members.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

549

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3583000

Review of Might Have Been

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi Kathryn Ann Summers

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a really great job with the detail and description in this story. The action was intense and exciting and well paced. Your characters were developed just enough to give the reader an idea of who they are before they get into the heat of the moment.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

This really isn't a suggestion for improvement so much as an observation, but I think this items rating actually exceeds its content. For me, this would be a GC story at best (if not 18+), and I think the XGC rating might deter some people from reading an otherwise compelling and softer erotic story.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this story and thought you did a great job. It's short, but sensual, exciting, and intense. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

550

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3582492

Review of The Island

Review by Jeff

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

I thought this was a very sweet and charming story. Paradise Cove often attracts the more graphic, erotic type stories, but I'm glad to see an entry from someone who is more focused on the romance aspect of the contest. I think you did very well with this entry; the characters are compelling and the description is excellent. Nicely done!