Jeff's (jeff) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

4,263 Public Reviews Given

4,392 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.

I'm good at...

Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.

Favorite Genres

I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.

626

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#3499462

Review of News Test

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (3.5)

I'm sending along a quick review for each of the WdC Survivor entries I read before voting in the polls. Overall, I thought this was a fun and entertaining story, although I had a little trouble following along and seeing the complete story being told. Other than that, though, the dialogue itself was fun and engaging. Well done and good luck in this round of WdC Survivor!

627

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#3497132

Review of The Girl Without Color

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Hayley I. (aka Kilpik)

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Rising Stars Member-to-Member review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I loved the creativity that went into this story. You came up with a really great premise, and the Rainbow Man was a wonderful throwback to the snake oil salesmen of old, who peddle wares that are often less than they seem.

Wonderful moral of the story. Your thematic elements shone through and you told a heartfelt, captivating, enjoyable story in just a few short paragraphs. It's everything a short story should be.

Excellent detail and description. You made this fantasy world come alive and jump off the page. It reminded me much of the movie Pleasantville in style and concept, and I thought this version of the premise was just as good.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I loved this story just the way it was written. It's easily one of the most imaginative and elegant stories I've read on this site lately. Great work!

OVERALL COMMENTS

Overall, this was simply wonderful. Fantastic work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

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628

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#3494664

Review of Introduction to the One Act Play

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Overall, I think this is a great format and good introduction to the class. I like the addition of Matty Rosen and Cornelia Cobb to add a little depth and variety to the forum. The only suggestion I have is to perhaps utilize Dropnotes for the lessons themselves. The item feels a little text-heavy, and upon initial skimming of the item, feels like a lot of information being presented all at once. If you utilize Dropnotes for the lessons, people who are interested can expand that particular section... and the item itself will appear less dense to the casual peruser who is trying to determine if the class - on a general level - interests them.

Other than that, this sounds like great fun!

SoCalScribe

629

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#3487933

Review of Chapter 1: The End.

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hi MoralityKid

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Good use of description. You painted a vivid picture with your judicious and yet effective use of detail. There was just enough to give the reader a clear picture of what you want them to imagine, without being too forceful or overbearing. Nicely done!

Effective use of dialogue. You integrated dialogue into the story well, and it helped move your narrative along in all the right places. Good job!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I really enjoyed this story just the way it is.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you had a great item, with strong characters, and an effective writing style. It was a pleasure to read your work.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

630

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14 days may be credited.

#3487760

Review of Demon with a Child's Name

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

Hi Anitta Bae -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard anything in this review as you see fit.

I thought that there was a lot of great imagination and creativity that went into this story. It was original, detailed, and there was certainly a lot going on! Overall, however, I felt that the story lacked a little focus. The protagonist - Sam - seemed to be pulled from one event to the next, almost at random. There was very little cause and effect in the story; he just migrated from one moment to the next moment. I think you did a great job setting up the mythology and developing some truly engaging story concepts, but a little more polish is needed to bring everything together.

This is a great start, and I think with some time spent revising and fine tuning, this could turn into a very entertaining, enjoyable story.

Good effort!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Also, it would be a pleasure to feature this item in an upcoming issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

631

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14 days may be credited.

#3487096

Review of Something’s Up

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi rbued -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard anything in this review as you see fit.

I thought this was a great flash fiction story. It had the feel of a classic noir tale, and the personal, offhanded way Jack narrates the story gives the audience an instant connection to him, which makes the surprise at the end all the more twisted and unexpected. I wish I had some suggestion for improvement, but I liked this story just the way it is. Very well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Also, it would be a pleasure to feature this item in an upcoming issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

632

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3486880

Review of Dreamer

Review by Jeff

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Hi Grace -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard anything in this review as you see fit.

Overall, I think this is an interesting and engaging setup for a story. I like the uniqueness of Elsie's gift, and her relationship to the other characters is well-developed and intriguing. I did notice a couple of typos:

"... and I slow down to take a peak peek."

"'You can just call me Elsie,' I say without braking breaking eye contact."

Also, you mentioned that this is a work in progress. A few of the issues that I would hope to see resolved in the finished work are how Charles Thompson figures into the larger narrative of Elysie's life, and what affliction has overcome her fiance.

Within the confines of this part of the story, the only real issue I noticed was the fact that Elysie - at the beginning - says, "I don't want to sleep anymore" (on account of her nightmares), but then - later in the story - says, "I'm excited when they finally leave and I rush upstairs to bed." After ten years of not having the nightmares, and then having them begin again, even more forceful and violent than before, I feel like Elysie - no matter how tired - would be a little more apprehensive about closing her eyes at night.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this story and look forward to you finishing it!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Also, it would be a pleasure to feature this item in an upcoming issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

633

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3482668

Review of Witty Lines & Joker's Smile

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hi Revelry new writings soon

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think this is a wonderful tribute to a talented actor who created perhaps one of the most memorable Joker roles that I can remember. Reading this item reminded me of how great Heath Ledger was in this role, and I can't think of any higher compliment than the fact that reading this item made me want to pop The Dark Knight into my DVD player and watch it again!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

While I liked the inclusion of the quotes, I think the "you're a freak... like me" line would have been more impactful as the last line of the poem, rather than the "evening, commissioner" line which, to me, doesn't come across as well in this poem as it did on the screen. I think that by ending with the "freak" line it brings together the rest of the poem a little more.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was a wonderful item that reminded me of a great actor and a truly phenomenal role. Thank you for sharing!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

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634

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14 days may be credited.

#3479333

Review of You are You

Review by Jeff

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi SonofDrogo -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard anything in this review as you see fit.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I thought you did a great job with this piece... Dr. Suess has such an original, unique voice and you managed to capture (and corrupt?

) it for your own purposes. I have absolutely no suggestions for improvement, other than to say more, more, more! This is truly one of the more original poems I've read on WdC and I think you really knocked it out of the park. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

635

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#3479328

Review of The Best Part of Waking Up

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Chook -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard anything in this review as you see fit.

This was an original and entertaining poem. I thought the subject matter was excellent and unique, and you really did a good job of presenting your observations. I particularly liked the last line of the poem, which really drove home your point.

If I had one suggestion for improvement, it would be to remain consistent with your rhyme scheme throughout the poem. Your first two stanzas are in the ABCB ABCB format, but then you transition to ABAB ABAB ABAB for the following three. I think the poem would have slightly more resonance with a consistent rhyme scheme throughout the piece.

Other than that, this was a really innovative, enjoyable read. Thanks!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

636

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14 days may be credited.

#3479171

Review of Urban Sprawl

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hi Aratena

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think this piece presents an important, topical theme for the reader to consider. Urban sprawl is truly becoming a problem as many of our undeveloped wilderness areas are being converted into urban spaces for the latest exclusive housing development, strip mall, or business park. It's truly concerning, and writing like this will hopefully cause people to think about what is happening to their planet.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I felt like the focus on the Summerhill's cat and the squirrel was a bit unnecessary, especially in a work so short. If it were a longer piece, I think specific anecdotes and narrative threads like that would be a welcome level of detail and description... but with so few words, I felt like they should all work toward the greater purpose of the narrative, IMO.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece of writing. I thought it was engaging, interesting, and certainly topical. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- S o C a l S c r i b e

Please check out my community items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

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637

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14 days may be credited.

#3479163

Review of The Maid and the Princess

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

Hi Hereward

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I liked the theme of this poem. The idea that love will always prevail is a popular and effective theme, and you really did a great job expressing it in this simple and engaging poem.

I particularly enjoyed your last stanza. I thought "persecute the joy" was an elegant and evocative phrase that really hammered home the essence of what this poem is about. Well done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

If anything, I was hoping that the poem would be a little longer, to more fully develop the story. As it is, the switch from fantasizing about the princess to having her appear for real in the bedchamber felt a little abrupt. A few extra stanzas in the middle would - I think - help transition from one part of the narrative to another more fluidly.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. I'm a big fan of poetry that also tells a narrative story, and I think you did an excellent job with this particular piece.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- S o C a l S c r i b e

Please check out my community items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

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638

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14 days may be credited.

#3479040

Review of Two Mimes

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Sum1's In San Francisco

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Original subject matter. I think this might be the first time I've read something about mimes on WdC.

Well-written. This item was well structured, well formatted, elegantly written, and engaging. An all around excellent piece of writing!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Nothing comes to mind.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a wonderful piece of poetry. Inventive, original, and well written. Nicely done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- S o C a l S c r i b e

Please check out my community items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

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639

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14 days may be credited.

#3479010

Review of Meet Yoda...Superdog, Star Wars Wannabe

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Kathleen

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Wonderful detail. Your item is filled with the kind of affectionate description that only an animal owner can truly appreciate and understand. The love-hate relationship of a pet who is so lovable... and at the same time, such a pain in the butt!

I love the photos. They add that wonderful point of reference that allows us to see that demon... er, dog of yours. While words are our stock and trade, sometimes there really is no substitute for a picture.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

This is a very minor point, but I would suggest centering the images in the item, to give the bottom a more balanced, even feel. But maybe that's just me.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a great item that really captured the emotional highs and lows of owning a pet and bringing one into your home. The good times are great... but oh, the destruction!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- S o C a l S c r i b e

Please check out my community items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

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640

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14 days may be credited.

#3470283

Review of The Pocketwatch

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there,

I happened across your item by browsing through the Mystery genre offerings on Writing.Com. It would be a pleasure to feature you item in this week's issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

641

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14 days may be credited.

#3470280

Review of Spector of Beech Hill

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there,

I happened across your item by browsing through the Mystery genre offerings on Writing.Com. It would be a pleasure to feature you item in this week's issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

642

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3461957

Review of Deep Well

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi ~WhoMe???~

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Great, vivid imagery. I love the way your simple yet effective word choice paints such a vibrant picture in so few words.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I honestly have no suggestions. I thought this piece was beautiful, touching, and engaging.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this poem - for me - is the epitome of simplistic beauty. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- S o C a l S c r i b e

Please check out my community items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

** Image ID #1536286 Unavailable **

643

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14 days may be credited.

#3461948

Review of Forgiveness

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Jezri

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Excellent pacing and structure. I thought that this whole poem flowed really well... it was fluid, quick and had a delightful cadence as I read it. It was a joy to read.

Great message. Forgiveness is one of the most important lessons we can learn, and you did a great job of highlighting that in this piece.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I wish I had something to suggest, but I liked this item just the way it is.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Really great job. This was an excellent item, well written and engaging. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- S o C a l S c r i b e

Please check out my community items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

** Image ID #1536286 Unavailable **

644

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14 days may be credited.

#3461943

Review of Corbin the War Child

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi David Gere

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought that you handled Corbin's character with a delicate touch and effective characterization. It can be difficult to accurately and sympathetically depict a character with a disability (especially one like autism where there is so much going on inside), but I thought you did a wonderful job.

The world you created was vivid and detailed. You did a great job painting an engaging picture in such a short piece. Excellent work!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

If I had one suggestion for improvement, it would be to expand this piece... it was so engaging, I found myself wanting more!

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a unique, original piece of writing that handled both description and characterization expertly. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- S o C a l S c r i b e

Please check out my community items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

** Image ID #1536286 Unavailable **

645

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14 days may be credited.

#3453087

Review of All in One Night

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there,

I had a chance to read your item today as I was browsing through the Mystery genre listings, and think it would be a wonderful addition to this week's official Mystery newsletter. It would be my pleasure to feature it, and I hope that being featured brings you many reviews and useful feedback.

Hope you're having a great weekend!

- Jeff

646

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14 days may be credited.

#3453084

Review of No Working Title

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there,

I had a chance to read your item today as I was browsing through the Mystery genre listings, and think it would be a wonderful addition to this week's official Mystery newsletter. It would be my pleasure to feature it, and I hope that being featured brings you many reviews and useful feedback.

Hope you're having a great weekend!

- Jeff

647

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14 days may be credited.

#3447018

Review of This is how it ends

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi CaesarRupus....

-

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and while my decision for the contest judging is final, you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Good use of the prompt. I loved this take on the Father Christmas character, and the way you found a use for your protagonist at the end of the story. A well conceptualized and inventive story. Nicely done!

Interesting mythology. I like the mythos that you set up in this story. It was engaging, original, and entertaining.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The story felt a little sparse toward the end. Once Santa becomes animated, it seems the narrative goes through a lot of information very quickly (the idea of not having a soul, becoming an elf, etc.), and I think the story would benefit from a little more detail and description as you unfold the main action.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed your story and thought you did a good job with the prompt. It was an interesting and compelling story. Nicely done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- S o C a l S c r i b e

Please check out my community items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

648

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14 days may be credited.

#3443744

Review of The Whole Enchilada

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi percy goodfellow

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a good job with this HSP: Sustaining the Sizzle final assignment. You were able to combine the serialized stories of the previous assignments into one cohesive narrative with compelling characters and engaging action. Well done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I was really hoping that you would go back through and adjust the story where - in parts - it was entire solid blocks of dialogue with no action... and entire blocks of action with no dialogue. As I pointed out in some of your other assignments, "chunking" the dialogue and the action can sometimes cause a story to feel forced, unnecessarily theatrical, or unbalanced. By incorporating both dialogue and action into the same moments and same scenes, I think you'll find your stories have a more balanced, well-rounded feel to them.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed your story. I thought the characters were interesting and the setting was well-described. You did a good job this session. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- S o C a l S c r i b e

Please check out my community items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

649

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14 days may be credited.

#3437918

Review of Laramie Swanson

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi percy goodfellow

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Good characterization. I enjoyed both Laramie and Jeff and thought they made a good couple in your story.

Good use of the prompt.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

While I enjoyed the idea of a voyeuristic narrator, I felt like I ultimately didn't get to know the narrator as much as I would have liked.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I liked this story. It was a good take on the prompt, and well executed. I also noticed that you're starting to get the hang of action and dialogue co-mingling. Good work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

- S o C a l S c r i b e

Please check out my community items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3436926

Review of All-Encompassing Light

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there,

I found this item while browsing through the mystery genre on Writing.Com. It would be my pleasure to feature this in the next upcoming issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe