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4,263 Public Reviews Given
4,392 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.
I'm good at...
Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.
Favorite Genres
I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.
Public Reviews
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551
551
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought you did a good job with this piece. It was entertaining, well written, and effectively blended action with dialogue to create a well-rounded, compelling story. I thought that the after-the-fact conclusion was unnecessary for the overall story; I would have rather the story left off with Cobber's last words (and the prompt)... but it was an otherwise solid story. Nicely done!
552
552
Review of Green Grocer  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Writer_Mike -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Talent Pond review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought that, as a whole, you did an excellent job with this essay. It was concise, to the point, addressed the prompt, and was entertaining to read. You included opinion, facts and figures, and even a little humor to make your point, all of which worked toward creating a compelling and informative read. Outstanding work! *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* My only suggestion is to back up your data. I don't think you need to go so far as footnotes and a bibliography, but as I was reading your essay, I found myself wondering where you got your information about, for example, how much fossil fuel and fresh water are required to make plastic bags, what percentage of bags in the United States are recycled, etc. If you were to qualify these statements with just a quick introduction like, "According to a 2008 EPA study..." or "Wikipedia reports that...", I think it would help this already strong and convincing essay become even more persuasive.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, you did a fantastic job with this story. While there aren't enough entries to warrant awarding any places, I'm going to give you the prize package for first place anyway, because I'm so impressed with this entry. Well done! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

A review signature for Talent Pond members.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
553
553
Review of Haunted  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi melzgr8 -

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought you did a particularly good job with the characterization in this story. Annie and both of her parents were particularly well developed, giving the reader the ability to identify with them and the loss that makes them such compelling characters.

*Bullet* You made great use of the prompt, coming up with a story that most definitely made it feel as if the protagonist both felt the familiarity of coming home, as well as all the things that make it different now that she's grown and has been away for a while. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I felt like this story was lacking a bit of a sinister element. While not every horror story has to be terrifying or gory or gruesome, I was hoping for a bit more of the horror genre element. As is, I felt like this read more as a drama. The conflict is definitely there, but a few more elements to make it really have an overwhelming creepy/scary/spooky vibe would have made it an even stronger entry for the contest.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with this story. It was well written, addressed the prompt, and gave the reader interesting and realistic characters who struggle with the loss of their loved one. Unfortunately, there weren't enough entries to award first place, but I'd like to send you a little something with this review in recognition of your excellent story (and Writing.Com's 11th birthday). *Smile* Thank you for participating in Sinister Stories, and I hope to see entries from you in future rounds!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

A new banner for The Dark Society.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
554
554
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi Chrissy A.Poe -

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I think the setup was compelling and the characters were engaging. Right from the start you hooked the reader with an interesting setup and maintained that interest with a fast-paced short story that didn't sacrifice pacing for unnecessary detail. Nice work! *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I thought that the contest prompt of a new-hire employee with a dark/mysterious past was a little lacking in this entry. There was a new family in town that the protagonist dealt with, but for me I was hoping that the prompt's implication of a workplace setting and coworker relationship would have been more prevalent in the story.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a good job with this story. It was entertaining, compelling, and well written. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

A new banner for The Dark Society.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
555
555
Review of Self Portrait  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

Hi Corey Reynolds -

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought that you did a good job with the characterization and the description. As a whole, the story felt fully developed and was engaging to read. You provided just the right amount of detail to make the events come to life in the reader's imagination, but not so much that it became dense or dull. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* In terms of the contest, I'm not really seeing the prompt about a new employee with a dark/mysterious background used very effectively. For a contest with a prompt, I usually like to see the prompt featured prominently in the story, if not a central, integral issue to the narrative.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, my reaction to this story was mixed. As a standalone piece of writing, I think it was quite good and has a lot of strong points. As an entry for the July 2011 Sinister Stories Contest, I feel that it missed the mark conceptually. Other than that, though, it was a very enjoyable story. Well done! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

A new banner for The Dark Society.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
556
556
Review by Jeff
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Stokecity,

I thought you did a good job with this story. The choice to present the tale completely through dialogue and inner monologue/conversation made the story move briskly along and really captured the reader's attention. The only suggestion I have is to perhaps edit to avoid "parroting" in the dialogue (where one voice says something that's immediately echoed by the second), and repetition of the same discussion (where they are, what's going on, etc.). With dialogue it can be tempting to fill in every aspect of a conversation... but it's often the unfinished and sporadic bits of dialogue that feel the most naturalistic.

I hope this helps. I really enjoyed your story. *Smile*


SoCalScribe
557
557
Review of In Dreams  
Review by Jeff
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This was a great story, Max. Your description was excellent, and the detail you infused into the story really set the tone for the piece. I was hooked from beginning to end; you managed to create a compelling short story that was concise and entirely effective.

Well done!


SoCalScribe
558
558
Review of April's Story  
Review by Jeff
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Meg,

I thought this was a really well-written story with a captivating theme. it was concise and to the point and entirely effective at getting the point across. Sometimes, "message" stories (especially shorter ones) suffer from being too preachy or abrasive about getting their point across, but I thought you handled the issue with delicacy and sophistication. Well done!

SoCalScribe
559
559
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hi BIG BAD WOLF Happy July 4th! -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Talent Pond review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

         *Bullet* The instructions are clear and concise. From the front page, potential contributors know exactly what kind of interactive story they're getting involved with, and what the rules are. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

         *Bullet* I was hoping for a little background info (or links to info) on the source material for the story. If there were an easy reference point so people who are unfamiliar with the DEAD RISING franchise could read about it and familiarize themselves, I think you have the potential to find even more contributors.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this looks like a fun interactive story with a good setup. Well done!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

A review signature for Talent Pond members.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
560
560
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi LaVerne -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Talent Pond review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I really like the concept. The title is descriptive and engaging, and perfectly fit your young characters and the adventures that they undergo over the course of this story. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* If I had one suggestion, it would be to make the story a little more active (not so much waiting around or passive inaction) while the story unfolds, but that's a relatively minor suggestion for an otherwise engaging item.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a good job with this story; it was a pleasure to read. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

A review signature for Talent Pond members.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
561
561
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hi carphi -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* You did a great job with your use of detail and description. The world you created was vivid and clear in my mind as I read; I got a real sense for who these characters are and the event to which they've been invited. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I felt that the events in the story were a little one-note. I know this is the beginning of a story, but the chapter focused on a variety of characters as they're invited to a dinner party... and every character seemed to have the same reaction, which was excitement about the invitation and a willingness to go. I think it would be more effective if at least one or two of the invitees were apprehensive about or uninterested in going, at least a little bit to create some tension.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this is a solid story that was engaging and interesting. It would be a pleasure to feature in the next issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
562
562
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hi RainbowSheltie -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I liked your take on the prompt. I thought it was original and creative and you did a good job creating a bond between the brothers that really shone through and defined them.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I felt like there was a little too much backstory for the characters. With so few words in a flash fiction story, it can be tough to try to include so much information without it seeming dry or forced. I think that if this story were expanded, you could really include a lot of vibrant detail about the brothers, their lives, and their mission... but in a story of less than a thousand words, it felt a little heavy.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a good job with this story. It was a compelling read from beginning to end, and it would be a pleasure to feature this item in the next issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

Glittering Star SP Sig


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
563
563
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

Hi KcG -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I think you did a really effective job with the intro. That short scene really created a sense of mystery and a problem that needed to be solved in this story. It definitely made me want to read on. *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I thought that the rest of the story (the "earlier that day") was a little disconnected from the intro. The opening scene involved Ashley dying, but the connection wasn't made with the events earlier in the day. I would recommend bringing the story back around full circle.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a good job with this story. You definitely set up the potential for a compelling mystery. It felt a little unfinished, but if you can bring the events of the intro back into the story, I think you'd have a great piece on your hands. Good work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

Glittering Star SP Sig


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
564
564
Review of The Burning  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Hi Fadz -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Rising Stars Member-to-Member review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

         *Bullet* I really like the organization of this piece, with the times of the day marking the passing of time and the section headings. I think that's a creative and unique way to structure a piece of writing. I also thought your story was compelling, and your characterization of Caitlyn was excellent.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

         *Bullet* I was hoping for a little more development of the mythology. You set up a really interesting legend in your story, about the ninth daughter and the manifestation of the Power at the end... I would have loved to have read more detail about the Power and how it is handled by both Caitlyn and her ancestors.


OVERALL COMMENTS

Overall, I think you did a good job with this story. The characterization of Caitlyn was excellent and the narrative was compelling. I'm not sure if it had to be under 1,000 words for a contest entry of some kind, but if not, then I would love to see some more detail about this world you've created. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
565
565
Review of The Bar  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi Paradoxical -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Rising Stars Member-to-Member review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

         *Bullet* You did a really good job setting the atmosphere and tone of this piece. Your description was spot on and really created a vivid mental image in the reader's mind. Your concept is well thought out and well executed. All in all, a very satisfying short horror story! *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

         *Bullet* The one issue I noticed (and it's a relatively minor one) is the use of italics. It seems like the entire section is italicized, and it was unclear why that is. If it was meant to be the voice speaking (in which case the narrative description should not be italicized). Overall, this is a relatively minor issue in an otherwise solid story.


OVERALL COMMENTS

I thought you did a great job with this story. It was entertaining, spooky, and well written. Excellent work!


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

** Image ID #1533813 Unavailable **



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
566
566
Review of Itch  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hi Kotaro -

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

         *Bullet* Great story and excellent description. The narrative was well formed and presented effectively; I was hooked from beginning to end with this compelling tale. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

         *Bullet* I was hoping that the ancient evil would have been described a little more, and its relation to the modern world explained a little more. With this prompt, I was hoping for a great juxtaposition between an older entity and adapting to a technological new world... while the story itself was very compelling, I felt that the prompt was more of a peripheral mention rather than a centerpiece of the story.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you have a very compelling story here; one that had me riveted from beginning to end. Unfortunately, there were not enough entries to award any places, but I am enclosing some GPs as a thank you for entering this round of the contest and for your excellent entry. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

A signature for Dark Society reviewers.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
567
567
Review of Red Phone  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi LuisPadilla -

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

         *Bullet* I liked your blend of technology with the ancient evil that is Satan bargaining for people's souls. You used modern electronics to good effect, and really came up with a unique take on the prompt of an ancient evil coming alive in modern times. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

         *Bullet* I think there was a little too much prodding by Satan to remember who he is. For me, the story would have been even stronger if you had lengthened the amount of time between those questions being asked, and really let Dan writhe and squirm and try to figure it out on his own without being prompted so often.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this was a compelling story with a great take on the prompt. Unfortunately, there are not enough entries to award any places, but I am enclosing some GPs with this review as a thank you for taking the time to enter, and as a consolation prize since I think you did a really great job with your story. Thank you for entering! *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

A signature for Dark Society reviewers.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
568
568
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi Salem O'Rourke -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I like the premise of this piece. Split Personality Disorder is always a fascinating topic for a mystery, especially when the subject is unaware of the other potential personalities. You did a good job of creating a compelling narrative with a sympathetic and confused protagonist. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* I was hoping for a little more in terms of conflict and tension in the story. It seems like there was a lot of lead up to the revelation that they believed she suffered from Split Personality Disorder... almost as if that revelation were the climax of the story. I think it would be more interesting if you started with the last scene of her in the interview room, and went from there. For me, having Split Personality Disorder isn't what's interesting; it's what she does with that information once she finds out. *Wink*


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought there were a lot of good elements to the story. Conceptually, I think you've come up with something interesting and exciting, and you're well on your way to having a very compelling story. *Thumbsup*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
569
569
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi Manuel -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* Good structure. The layout of the poem is creative and effective; it's concise, to the point, and the way each line is structured makes the piece feel - as a whole - well designed and presented. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* You might want to consider putting the answer to the riddle in the item. You could use a dropnote or a popnote to hide it, so a reader would actually have to click to figure it out. If you wanted them to be able to figure it out on their own, that is. *Smile*


OVERALL IMPRESSION

I must have read this poem a dozen times, and I'm still no closer to figuring out the riddle. I'm officially stumped... so if that was the intention of the piece, congratulations! *Wink*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
570
570
Review of ONE DAY AN ANGEL  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi SHERRI GIBSON -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* What I loved most about this poem was its complexity. I don't often see poems where every line is nearly a full or even compound sentence, and I think you used that structure to great effect here, creating a full thought or emotion with every one of your lines, rather than relying on an entire stanza of short lines to communicate one thought or idea. As a result, you've created a wonderful piece that's incredibly thought provoking and rich in detail. *Smile*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* When I write, I always look for ways to shorten my writing... to cut out any unnecessary words that aren't needed to convey my point. There were a couple of lines in this poem that I thought - along those lines - could be pared down ever so slightly to create an even more impactful piece. For example:

"Shimmer like the moon and stars seen above."

"I’ll know peace and happiness that is unlike any other."


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this is a wonderful piece of writing that is short, simple, and yet says so much. Excellent work! *Delight*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

Glittering Star SP Sig


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
571
571
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Joy -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

*Bullet* I thought this was a wonderful poem that had an amazing amount a creativity to it. The poem tells a complete story and takes the reader (along with the poem's subject) through a variety of emotions as events unfold with the tooth fairy. All in all, this was an excellent narrative poem. *Thumbsup*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

*Bullet* Some of the lines felt a little awkward at times. I think - at least to my ear - that comes from some of the rhyming couplets being a disparate number of syllables. For example:

"Under my pillow it was bound,
With Kleenex wrapped around"

For me, I think the 8/6 syllable disparity makes the second line of that couplet feel a little uneven. Adding even one syllable to that line, e.g. "With Kleenex wrapped ALL around," would - IMO - make the couplet even more effective because the syllables would then be 8/7 which feels a little more fluid.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. The story was captivating and your characters were engaging, creating a complete work that was a pleasure to read. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

Animated Tweety Simply Positive group sig.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
572
572
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*



Hi Phyllis -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

         *Bullet* This is a beautiful poem! The imagery and the emotion are so vivid that the reader can't help but lose themselves in your words. There was just enough detail and description to create vibrant images in the minds of your readers, without weighing down the pacing and progression of the poem. Great job!


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

         *Bullet* I wish I had some suggestions for improvement, but I could honestly find none. This is a fantastic piece.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, you really hit this one out of the park. I'm so glad I stopped by your port today and found this item; it's easily one of my favorite poems that I've found here on Writing.Com. *Thumbsup*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

** Image ID #1534736 Unavailable **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
573
573
Review of Cartoonist Theory  
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*



Hi DragonsDream *Aryana* -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

         *Bullet* I really loved this poem. I thought it was fun, entertaining, and really drew a great picture (no pun intended... okay, well maybe sorta intended *Pthb*) of a cartoonist and the work they do. *Thumbsup* You mentioned that it was your first attempt at humor and I think you did a really great job with it, be it your first time or your fiftieth. *Wink*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

         *Bullet* There were a couple rhyming couplets that felt a little awkward due to an extra syllable in the lines. Specifically:

"Let's make him wave - just flip the pages,
Cartoons have made me giggle for ages!"

AND

"Erase the whiskers, add a hat,
Remove some hair and look, no more cat!"

To me, the extra syllable in each line made the couplet feel just a bit off. If you could find a way to reduce the second line by a syllable (in the first example, perhaps "giggle" could become "laugh") in each case, I think you'd have a much stronger, more fluid structure.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this item. I think you did a great job with it. *Thumbsup*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

** Image ID #1534736 Unavailable **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
574
574
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*



Hi SHERRI GIBSON -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

         *Bullet* This was a really touching and endearing personal reflection on a tumultuous time in your life. I think the message at the end is an important one that everyone should take to heart. As human beings, we all go through difficult times where it seems like we'll never get out from under the mire in which we find ourselves... but if you look hard enough, there can be a silver lining to almost anything. My heart breaks for your family member's children and the heartache they had to endure seeing a family member battle such a debilitating addiction. *Frown*


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

         *Bullet* I only have one small suggestion regarding word choice. In the fifth paragraph where you discuss your daughter's car accident, your second sentence says, "...[they] weren't badly injured." However, the sentence immediately following begins with, "My daughter's ankle was badly sprained..." I know that, in a car accident, to walk away with only a sprain is a blessing... but the use of "badly" twice (first by saying they weren't badly injured, then saying that her ankle was badly sprained) created a bit of a contradiction in my mind.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was a very touching and emotional story. I thank you for sharing part of your life with us, and for teaching us a lesson in the process. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

** Image ID #1534737 Unavailable **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
575
575
Review by Jeff
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Maverick -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Talent Pond review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.


WHAT WORKED

         *Bullet* I liked the message in this piece. I think you did a good job demonstrating all the reasons that we need one another, before posing the hypothesis that we should try to connect, even if the world isn't ending. It was a great, heartfelt message.


WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

         *Bullet* I thought that the work felt a bit unbalanced... the first three paragraphs explain the current situation, and only the last paragraph addresses the true thesis of the piece. I was hoping for a little more explanation and expansion on your concept once it's presented.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

I think this is an interesting and thought-provoking piece of writing. I really enjoyed the read. *Smile*


I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,


SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group" 
"The Dark Society" 
"Blogocentric Formulations" 
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED" 

A review signature for Talent Pond members.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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