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Review Requests: OFF
2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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451
451
Review of Fox Paw  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya. On the whole, this was a very well written piece. The emotions of the child were easy to identify and interpret, as well as experience. After reading it I am still left with a feeling of despair for all the hardship that the child would inevitably experience and at the same time respect for the decision. Again, very well done. I found only two things to comment on and they are fairly simple things.

You wrote:

My eyes had turned rocks in my skull that my eyelids dragged themselves over time and time again as my throat became a desert canyon.
***You need a 'to' before the word 'rocks'.

You wrote:

So she ground her teeth and even through the divorce hearing when he slapped on the mask appearing to be Mr. Wonderful, she kept her composure.
***I think this sentence would benefit from the use of another comma after the word 'and'. For example:
So she ground her teeth and, even through the divorce hearing when he slapped on the mask appearing to be Mr. Wonderful, she kept her composure.

Remember these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

AJ
452
452
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya. I really enjoyed reading this. The characters are wonderful; full of life and realistic reactions. Ayn's personality lightens the mood and balances well with Fleet's darker personality. He's caring and mischievous, yet deadly. Very nice. Your descriptions created a clear picture in my mind of their surroundings and the skirmish. I normally have to re read battle scenes in order to understand the situation fully, but with this one it was clear to me.
I found a few spots that I thought I would point out to you.

- For a moment, she lay still, huddled form practically reeking resentment, then......
***I think you need to add a 'her' directly before huddled.

- In look, besides her obviously foreign lineage,......
***The word 'look' seems out of place in this sentence. Perhaps try 'appearance'.

- “'s wet. Why's it always wet 'ere?” she muttered, tugging the collar of the slicker up farther as she stepped out into the rain,....
***I'm thinking the beginning 's' is a typo and is the ending of a word.

- She and Ayn had constructed the shelter with camouflage, before even their 'penniless wanderer' seeming, as priority.
****I had to re read this sentence to be sure that I understood what you were saying. I wonder if it could be clarified a little. My suggestion:

She and Ayn had constructed the shelter with camouflage, making it their priority even before maintaining their disguise.

- But if she moved and one of them caught the movement out of the corner of their eye, it might spark curiosity that might otherwise never arise.
*****The double use of the word 'might' feels repetitive. Perhaps use 'could' in place of the first one.

- That was a secret she kept almost as close as her ability to call flame and set it to her will, undeniable proof of her breeding and ace card up her sleeve.
****I think this needs to be reworked just slightly. The way the ending part is phrased it seems like undeniable proof of both things. Maybe if you add a 'the' before the word 'ace', it would separate it a bit.

- She couldn't remember ever actually deciding to accompany him.), wavering......
***I don't think you need a period before the end bracket.

- There wasn't enough traffic down it anymore to warrant a strong presence of banditry, and to attack a armed force consisting....
****Just need the word 'an' in place of the 'a' before 'armed'.

- Ayn drawled, his tone that acidic flat thing that showed how much he was actually angry at this turn of events.
****I stumbled over the wording in this sentence. Wondering if maybe something like this would work:

- Ayn drawled, his tone the acidic flat thing that showed just how angry he was with this turn of events.

I look forward to reading more of this one. *Smile*

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