Hiya! This piece caught my interest so I thought I would pop in for a read and review.
I think the plot line you have started here sounds like it will be very interesting and will have plenty of room for exploring character development, conflicts, and room for playing with narrative voice. I believe you have a solid idea with which to build this story.
I noticed a few problem areas in the construction of this piece such as sentence structure, grammar, changes in tense, and punctuation. I have given some specific suggestions below, however, I wanted to let you know that this site has some really wonderful classes available which only require one lesson per week that could definitely help in these aspects. There is, of course, a fee payable in GPs but if you are interested in taking a course or two, let me know and I would be more than happy to help you out. The following is a link to New Horizons. They offer a variety of courses with helpful instructors and classmates, if you would like to check it out.
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Suggestions
William turns and looks at the clock "2:00 am."
You do not need to use quotation marks for the time, instead I would suggest a dash. For example,William turns and looks at the clock - 2:00 a.m.
another sleepless night and the headaches are becoming worse the anxiety is persistent the urge is becoming overwhelming.
This sentence rambles a bit. Adding some punctuation will eliminate this effect. For example,Another sleepless night and the headaches are becoming worse. The anxiety is persistent and the urge is nearly overwhelming.I changed the word 'becoming' in the last sentence to 'nearly' to eliminate repetitive word usage.
It's been weeks since the last time he's gavin in...
The word 'gavin' should be 'given'.
I have noticed that you change tense a bit. It is a good idea to pick one tense (past, present, future) and stick with it. In the beginning of this you use third person present tense (is, this) and then later on past tense (was, that). Personally, I find third person past the easiest to write in as it is alike to watching the story happen and telling how you see it. It also allows the writer to get involved with the character and show the reader the reactions of those around the character, even if the character himself does not notice them. It is completely up to you, the main thing is to stay consistent so the reader does not become confused.
Another point of interest is how often you use the name William. Try to use other ways of referring to him, such as 'he', etc. Once you describe his physical appearance you can use some of those things to indicate him as well. Technically, you only need to use the actual name once every paragraph, otherwise use he.
William walks to the bathroom looks in the mirror and notices lint in his hair from the sweat soaked sheets, william was always one for the rugged look his short scruffy brown hair and unshaven beard complemented that very well, only 5'10 and 165 lbs. he was a lot stronger than he looked.
In this section there are a few spots where the first word of the sentence is not capitalized. A spell checker can help with these annoying kinds of typo's. Also, I would suggest using shorter sentences in this part. For example,William walks to the bathroom, looks in the mirror and notices lint in his hair from the sweat soaked sheets. He always did like the rugged look and his short scruffy brown hair with matching facial stubble complemented the look well. He was of average height, about 5'10" and around 165 lbs., give or take. One thing for sure, he was much stronger than he looked.I did this for an example only, but I embellished a bit on what you had to provide a smoother flow.
The description of the apartment is in list form and I have found this can be somewhat boring for a reader. Instead, imagine yourself in the exact spot he is in and describe it as you see it. Or, if you prefer to keep the list format then you will want to add some comma's in between the items to produce a smoother flow.
Overall
I think you have a great idea for a story and with some work and willingness to learn, you will have great success in writing it. This site is wonderful with helping out, as I am sure you will discover. Sometimes the best tool a writer has is practice.
Happy Writing!
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