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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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326
326
Review of The Moon's Child  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Laura.s ! Welcome to WDC, I am sure you will enjoy your time here! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions to this piece, but please keep in mind that these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

The narrative tone in this piece was very nicely done. There was a soft, dream-like feel to it in the beginning, which changed only slightly when she became excited about seeing her mother. When she started to run I could feel her anticipation, very nicely worded and easy to visualize. *Smile*

The descriptions in this piece are very detailed and for the most part they are vivid, increasing the visual perception of the events and enhancing the story, as well as the experience for the reader. I liked your choice of wording, you have a solid talent for imagery, for sure. *Thumbsup*

There is very little dialogue between the two, but what there was felt realistic and flowed naturally. I think this is a very important part of creating solid characters. The reader must believe they are real on some level to experience the read effectively. Very nicely done.

As far as story line structure goes, I felt that this was incomplete. There was a vivid introduction of her surroundings, followed by an emotional response to seeing her mother, but then her mother ended up leaving again. We did get to see that her mother isn't just your average mother, but I feel that there were a lot of questions left unanswered. You should really consider expanding this, it definitely has the potential to be a much longer, involved and intriguing story. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*...gave way as I weaved my way through them.
The word 'them' should be 'it', unless you change the preceding to 'blades of grass' rather than just 'grass'. Also, 'weaved' could be replaced with 'wove'.

*Bullet*Just a quick suggestion, consider taking out the semicolon in the first sentence and replacing with a full stop. I think it would add intensity to the statement.

*Bullet*Now deep in the woods I wondered,...
The word 'wondered' should be 'wandered'.

*Bullet*...in a steady click-click rhythem.
There is a spelling error on 'rhythm', it shouldn't contain an 'e'.

*Bullet*...the tiny noise as the clock hands moved passed one another...
The word 'passed' should be 'past'.

*Bullet* Her pretty windswept, silver hair caressed...
I believe there should be a comma after 'pretty'.

*Bullet* I nodded although I disagreed.
Need a comma after 'nodded' and consider using 'even though'. Also, this sentence should be the start of a new paragraph.

*Bullet*...she faded leaving her form in return for the moon.
There should be a comma after 'faded', but also, the second part of this doesn't quite make sense the way I think you intended it. Consider re-wording just slightly. For example, ...she faded, leaving her form behind in exchange for the moon.

Overall

I enjoyed reading this. I found the descriptions to be vivid and the emotional references led me into this story very nicely. The quality of the writing is very good and I would love to see this expanded into a longer piece. There is a ton of potential in this piece, just waiting to be unleashed. *Thumbsup*

Happy Writing!

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327
Review of Busted  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Pepper !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, this was a priceless story! I haven't laughed so much in a good long while, I tell you! I can't get over how very realistic this was. As I read through I was reminded of how many times something like this (though being arrested was never part of it*Wink*) has happened to me with my husband. It seems that whenever I know I've done something wrong and will be on the recieving end of his anger, something drops from the sky to save the situation and allow the situation to be reversed. Too funny.

The structure of this piece was really good. The story unfolded smoothly, moving along with the use of active narrative and amusing, realistic dialogue to reach the climax and then wind down for a suprisingly satisfying conclusion. The ending statement left me smiling, for sure. It couldn't have worked out better for her to have the last word.

I enjoyed the tone of the narrative immensely. It came across in a conversational way, making me feel like I was on the inside, watching the situation unfold. The reader was privy to Jenny's thoughts, most of which were so realistic that I couldn't help from laughing out loud. The character development of Jenny was quite thorough for such a short piece. I think this really strengthened the piece as a whole because it allowed me to feel like I got to know her through her reactions. I could also relate to her character on almost every level, which was really nice as well. I didn't have to imagine myself in her shoes and wonder if I would feel the same, I already knew from experiencing similar situations.

The dialogue between Jenny and Mitch was natural and flowed well. I had no trouble hearing their conversation or seeing their expressions as it played out. The writing allowed me to be there and witness it, very well done!

The title fits the content well in more than one respect. Nicely done.

Suggestions

None! I couldn't find any errors and I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very enjoyable, humorous read. I will definitely recommend this piece to others, and in fact, already have. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
328
328
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, SHERRI GIBSON ! I have come to visit your port with a review from the package which you submitted the winning bid for in the "Invalid Item" . This is the second of five. *Smile*


This was a beautiful expression of true love. The flow of the sentences was very nice and each stanza transitioned into the next easily. This read out almost as a story, really, with a beginning, middle and end. I really enjoyed that because it gives the reader a better sense of the motivation behind the poem, as well as the content within.

I really got the feeling of soft reminiscence as I read this the first time. It makes me feel hopeful that I will one day look back and be able to say the same things about the love I experience.

The content seemed to build up from the first stanza, beginning with love, pure from stress. The second stanza indicates the sacrifices made to maintain and nurture that love. Many pieces boast true love with never showing the reader any reasoning behind it. It is easy to fall in love, not so easy to maintain that same love. The third stanza allows the reader to see that even though there were ups and downs, there was never any indication that either one would want to give up the fight. The last stanza sums up well how love grows and strengthens through each challenge, prospering in the light of God's blessings and becoming more resilient.

There is a pattern for the rhyming in this and as far as I can tell, the word choices all work very well. I enjoyed the sound of this piece as I read it aloud, the phrasing comes across smoothly without being repetitious.

Suggestions

I found no errors in punctuation, grammar or spelling, nor do I have any suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall*Star*

I really enjoyed reading this piece. It touched me on a personal level and made me feel more aware of the love I have in my life. It is a great message for anyone out there who might be struggling, thinking their love won't make it through. To me it says that love strengthens and solidifies over time if you are willing to sacrifice and experience life together. Thank you for sharing this poem. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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329
329
Review of Where Evil Dwells  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, SHERRI GIBSON ! You were so very generous to bid on my package in the "Invalid Item" , thank you. This review is the first out of five that I will be sending your way.

I am honored to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, but please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree.


The opening paragraph was very well done to intrigue the reader and then pull him/her into the story. The narrative tone was compelling and mysterious, granting a sense of foreboding right from the start. Very nice. The chill factor in this piece was kept at a moderate level so that it didn't actually scare me, but I'm sure my kids would have a whole different point of view on that! *Wink* Doing this allowed for a full story to result, rather than just a small scene.

I think it added quite a twist to have the narrative coming from the perspective of a cat. Not just any cat, though, one who had been turned by the witches over a hundred years prior. It provided insight into the specific details of the setting and plot alike, which eliminated unanswered questions.

The thoughts of David were realistic and flowed quite naturally. I would expect after a hundred years that his humanity may have deminished a bit more, though I suppose it would depend on his habits, etc. He genuinely cared about the evil which was visited upon the children from these witches and it was evident from his actions, as well as his thoughts, that he suffered guilt from not being able to help them.

The witches were portrayed very well. Though I don't really recall there being a description of their features, my mind produced an image of them easily. I also think you did a good job explaining the action sequence when David spilled the brew and again when he managed to topple Tanisha and get the brew on the witches. I had no trouble at all envisioning the sequence of events.

The ending paragrah wrapped the story up well and tied off all loose ends with the burning of the house. A happily ever after ending, besides the fact that David and Polly would be forever haunted with the memories.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...and when she tilted her head to look at the sky, Her deep blue eyes mesmerized me.
The word 'her' after the comma is capitalized. I know sometimes this is done for emphasis, but because it is the only time it happens, I figured it's more likely a typo.

*Bullet*The child educated me in all of the things deprived of in my life as a feline,...
I wonder if adding 'I was' before 'deprived' would smooth the flow on this sentence.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A very well told tale. The story line was interesting, the narrative compelling and the ending was satisfying in the respect that good triumphed over evil. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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330
330
Review of No Such Luck  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Pepper!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I really enjoyed reading this piece. I feel that Lamar learned a very valuable lesson as he watched his father win the car. The obvious is that he learned that perhaps his father wasn't crazy after all, but also, to look deeper than the surface, that sometimes magic can appear when one least expects it. I think he also learned not to underestimate his da and his ideas.

The dialogue between Lamar and Lenard was really good. The accent was well represented with the spelling, as well as the tempo of the speech. The difference in tone from one to the other was noticeable and effective. I found I could practically hear Lenard's speech, but then again, I'm a sucker for an irish accent! *Wink* The course of the conversation was realistic and believable, and I especially found Lamar's reactions to seem natural. I could just imagine what my response would be if I came home to find my dad transformed into a leprechaun and sitting at the kitchen table as though nothing at all was out of the ordinary.

The narrative tone was consistent and allowed the reader a chance to get to know each character a bit. The length of this piece doesn't really allow for indepth character development, but I found what was incorporated into the narrative and the dialogue was enough to explain the situation. The fact that Lamar went with his da to the competition, even though he thought he was nuts, showed the connection they must share.

There were a few details about leprechaun's in this that I have nevevr heard before, including that they are mainly cobblers by trade. I found these uncommon compared to what I usually hear. I'm not sure if my knowledge is just limited, or not, but I liked that the details of the leprechaun were different from the same old, same old.

The story flowed consistently from beginning to end. The beginning paragraph did its job well and pulled me into the story. The reactions of the characters were realistic and I had no trouble visualizing the scenes as they played out. There was a steady progression from the opening scene, to the competition, and finally, the end result.

The last paragraph tied everything up well and left me with a smile on my face. Very nicely written.

The title fit the content well.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Wow, Lamar thought Da must have really done his homework.
Just missing the punctuation after 'thought'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A thoroughly enjoyable read which teaches a valuable lesson without ever detouring from the story line. I will definitely recommend this piece. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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331
Review of Alone  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, WriterGirl!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The tone of this piece was set very well with the opening stanza. A sense of reflection and wishful thinking seemed to radiate off the words. I think this had a big impact on the mood of the entire piece. There didn't seem to be any anger, just the pain of loss. This was most evident in the ending stanza where it indicated the break up was not a mutual consent kind of thing, but that the other half just up and left.

The structure of this poem as far as story line goes was really good. It progressed in good order from memories of the past, which gave me a good sense of the kind of relationship it was, to the pain of the break up and then finished off with the sadness of being alone.

In the way of rhyming and syllable coutns, etc. I didn't notice anything consistent. That said, however, I think it worked extremely well that way. I really enjoyed the single lines throughout, they gave a good indication of breaks in the content, almost like a scene break, which really added to the constant flow of the piece. It made the transitions very smooth.

I found when I read this poem out loud it was even more effective in spurring an emotional reaction from me. Great work.

My favorite part:

A year ago
A rainbow of words between us
Everything and nothing in
endless time
Lost in ourselves

For me this part really stood out as being one of the major things one loses when they lose someone close to them. The joy of simply sharing each other. The wording was clear and effective.

Suggestions

My only suggestion is regarding punctuation. There is some used through out the piece, and I think it would be an even smoother read if this was to stay constant. There are a few places where a period would indicate the flow of the sentence had finished and the next was to begin. This is only a suggestion, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

An emotionally provoking piece of heartache and the struggle to continue on after losing someone so close to the heart. It really signifies the pain of loss, the sense of being completely alone. I found it to be a very enjoyable read. *Thumbsup*

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
332
332
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Sticktalker!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is an informative, well presented piece which explains the inner workings of a Copyright, what it means the the author, and what it means to the rest of the world. As I have seen through reading this article, it is not an easy process to prove a copyright.

When I fist clicked on this piece I thought to myself, "At least I know what a copyright is." Well, I may have understood the concept of a copyright, but as I have found out, I did not know what it meant to the author, let alone the legal system in which we reside.

As I said earlier, this article was well presented with plenty of resources for the reader to use as a reference, as well as specific examples to help the reader become more farmiliar with the idea.

The structure of the piece was very nice and easy to read through without stumbling, the flow was natural and believable, and the added points of reference will give the reader the chance to find out some answers for themselves.

I think the largest impact of this piece will be the effective learning tool it provides for writers out there who work hard on their writing and don't deserve to have to give it up, or heaven forbid, have someone steal it and sell it for themelves.

I especially liked how you asked the questions in the beginning, giving possible answers and then providing the answers of why they were incorrect assumptions. Very well done.

Suggestions

I have no suggestions for improvement. This is a very useful article. *Smile*

*Star*Overall*Star*

I found this to a thoroughly thought out, constructive and useful article. All writers, especially ones new to the legal aspects of writing, would benefit from reading this piece. Great work!

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
333
333
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sticktalker!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This piece was a cute story about two boys and how they deal with their fear of ghosts on the night before Halloween. I really enjoyed reading this.

The dialogue and speech patterns of the two young boys were very well done. The way they spoke was very much like what one would expect from their age group, and steered the reader towards the right frame of mind to appreciate the humor of the situation. There was a nice amount of suspense while they were at the cemetary to build up the climax when they were sure they saw a ghost.

This piece was written very much like a children's story and made a good point at the end, when the boy who was so sure ghosts didn't exist, was the one to run away when they encountered something at the cemetary.

Due to the tone of this piece, I once again enlisted the ears of my kids and read the story to them. They were enthralled during the telling of it, for sure. They giggled at the area where the boys were bantering back and forth, and responded with a gasp when 'something white' came out of the bushes. It was priceless.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Phil laughed to himself and thought as he stared walking to the gate,...
Just a typo on 'started'.

*Star*Overall*Star*

An enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing! Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
334
334
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, iva*mae!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


A very enjoyable story. The narrative tone set the mood of the piece very well. It was calm but with a gentle hint of mystery which kept me wondering what was going to happen. The type of speech used indicated this piece was set in the past, and the narrative was consistent with this. I very much enjoy the 'proper' speech patterns and found that you laced hints in through them very nicely. I was looking for them, but didn't find them all until the second read.

The ending paragraph left a smile on my face, though I know it is just a bit dark of me to have that type of response. I was content with knowing what I had thought would happen, did. The characters were built up nicely, especially Cassie. The narrative supplied the information the reader needed to be certain of her personality.

The character of Jake was limited, but that was a necessity for the piece to work out as it did. It wouldn't have been an effective twist on the end if the reader had inside knowledge of his intent and motives.

Using the time frame of three months with nothing happening was a good touch. It allowed the reader to become lulled into liking Jake, even though the indicators of time frame and circumstance hinted at suitable distrust.

The dialogue flowed very smoothly and was realistic to the time frame. I think the dialogue is what sold me on Jake's personality. His responses to Cassie seemed very genuine.

The story moved along nicely from beginning to end. I was kept intrigued throughout by the narrative and useful dialogue between the characters. Nicely done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*"Cicero! You get back here, do you hear?
Just missing the end quotation mark.

*Bullet*"I'm coming," she yelled She...
The period in between 'yelled' and 'She' is missing.


*Star*Overall*Star*

A very enjoyable story. The time period was explained well and felt natural to the flow of the story.

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
335
335
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*
!!

*Smile*Hiya, drboris! I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

The narrative tone was very good for setting the mood of this piece. It was evident right away that the men in the story were seasoned, which gives the reader an early indication of violence. The sentence structure played a big part in the tone as well, shorter sentences signaling a rise in tension. Very nice.

I enjoyed the dialogue between these characters. It flowed well, the wording was realistic considering the type of men they were and it came across as very natural. The dialogue was active and was definitely a key aspect of the story.

Which leads me to character development. I felt the characters were realistic in their actions and reactions. Thanks to the narrative, the reader understands their tempers will be short and their reasoning unsound due to the length of time they had been stranded on the small boat with no food. I think you depicted them well, and though there wasn't a whole lot of individual development, I don't think it was necessary for telling this. Good work.

The story line itself flowed extremely well. The flow was continuously active, leading the reader through the story easily and with plenty to keep them interested. I know I was eager to see how the scene played out, and I wasn't disappointed. The action between the characters was really well described and I found it easy to follow the sequence of their encounter, making it easy to create a visual of the scene. Nice!

The last line was great, indicating that they had, in fact, solved their problem of being saved all by themselves. Even if it wasn't exactly ideal. *Smile* A suitable ending.

The title of this piece was great, and after reading it I could see why you chose it, since the 'burden of command' was what started it all in the first place with Colin, or was at least his excuse for his actions. I also think it will draw attention and cause readers to want to read it, as it indicates the conflict.

Suggestions:

*Bullet* “NO” shouted Gary,...
Consider using an exclamation point after 'No' to emphisize that he is shouting. Or, simply add a comma if you don't like the exclamation mark. Some authors try not to use them, so completely up to you.

*Bullet*“You shot me”.
Just a typo here, the period should be inside the quotation marks.

*Bullet* “Are you f***ing crazy?
Just missing the quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

Overall

All in all, a very enjoyable read. Have a wonderful WDC Anniversary! *Smile*

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336
336
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sticktalker!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone of this piece gave the impression of being told the story, very much like hearing it from a storyteller. I think it was a very effective method for this piece, as it gave it the feel of an old native story. Many times, my husbands mother has told me stories similar to this, of animals and their interaction with the tribes. This had the same type of feel to it. Well done.

The story line was interesting, and a tale I have never heard. It does have the same type of ring to it that one would expect from a native story as it is handed down through the people.

The structure of the piece was constant and flowed well. I didn't notice any areas where it lulled. It was actively told and kept me intrigued through the entire telling. I like how you provided a visual of the scene between the rabbit and the boy, switching from 'tell' to 'show' and back again smoothly. Very nice.

The sentence structure is reflective of the way the story would be told, as were the word choices. Lines such as 'ten hands of ten hands' provided a good showing of the type of speech one would expect from a native person at the time of the event.

There is a definitely moral within this story, to beware of what you promise without understanding the consequences as both the cottontail and the tribe found out, and as a result, suffered from this pact.

After reading this piece I chose to read it to my older children, aged nine and eleven. They enjoyed the story very much. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*The Wan-ee lands were not rich with the salmon that swam in the great river that ran through the willow and oak-covered fertile lands of the valley floor,...
This sentence felt awkward as I read it. I found I had to read it over twice to keep track of what it was saying. I think it is the use of 'that' twice so close together which threw it off for me. Consider taking out 'that ran through' and using an alternate way of describing the course of the river. Perhaps something like, '...that swam in the great river as it would its way through...'.

*Bullet*As soon as Father Sun had peeked over the tops of the great mountains this morning Waphoo had risen,...
The use of 'this morning' pulled this section out of tense with the preceeding sections. I think it could be removed without hampering the comprehension of the sentence. Something for you to think about.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A well written piece, relflective of the native culture and the ways in which they express their connection to the world around them. An enjoyable read, thank you for sharing it. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
337
337
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Hunter's Moon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was an interesting, creative twist on the Irish legend of the Tuatha De Danann. I have read quite a few books about them, so when I saw the title I just had to read it. Which shows, I suppose, how well the title works - at least for me.*Wink*

The narrative was objective as Kahnh watched on during the beginning of the battle, with detailed descriptions and enough information to keep the reader interested even without any prior knowledge of the legend. You did well adding your own interpretation of this, as well. It was highly entertaining. There was also an undertone of emotion from Kahnh, which set the mood very well as the story unfolded. It also allowed for some strong character development. The tone was consistent throughout and really added to the experience of the read.

The section of dialogue with Leperaugh allowed the reader to understand later on what kind of sacrifice Kahnh actually made when he helped Nauda, rather than doing as he had been told and doing nothing to interfere. Another area where character development was apparent. The dialogue itself was phrased well and flowed naturally.

The flow of the story was was smooth from beginning to end, there were no areas where I felt it staggered. It was consistent and moved at a good rate to hold my attention through the entire piece.

The descriptions were vivid and worded well for the most part. There were a couple places where I felt the wording was a bit off, but then, taking into account the word limit, there are bound to be areas like this. I am really quite suprised by the amount of detail you managed to get in without interrupting the flow of the story and still maintaining the count. Very well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...brilliance as it cut it way through the rising mist.
I think the second 'it' should be 'its'.

*Bullet*From the outside, his vantage point appeared to be a large outcrop of the granite that poked through the verdant land.
I stumbled on this sentence. I feel the meaning is a bit unclear. After reading it twice I could understand what you meant, but perhaps consider clarifying slightly. My suggestion would be to add a few words. For example,
~From the outside, his vantage point appeared to be a large outcrop of the same granite that poked its way up through the verdant land. This, of course, would also mean cutting words from somewhere else to maintain the count, so it may not be possible.

*Bullet*"Yes sir."
There should be a comma after 'Yes'.

*Bullet*...the Fir Bolg began to chant "Sreng, Sreng," naming...
There should be punctuation after 'chant'.

*Bullet*Time seemed to slow to a crawl as Naruda stopped...
There is a typo on 'Nauda' in this sentence.

*Bullet*He palmed the door, which dilated open appearing like a swirling rainbow.
I stumbled on this sentence. I wonder if adding a comma after 'open' would rectify this. Something to think about, at any rate.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A well told, tightly structured piece. It was an interesting take on the legends, and highly enjoyable. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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338
Review of Lest We Forget  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, iva*mae!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very well written story. The narrative tone of this piece was calm and descriptive, allowing the reader to experience the events from Tavnor's perspective as he watched those he loved, as well as his world, fade away. The sentence structure varied nicely, which helps the reader along by using different lengths to change the tone, and hence the mood.

Tavnor's character was well presented and believable. His thoughts gave his personal perpective, and demonstrated how gentle his personality was. He was portrayed as a gentle soul with an unshakeable faith in his God and this was supported by the way he acted with his children. Though they did not follow the type of lifestyle he wished, he allowed them to make their own decisions and held onto his faith that everything would turn out well. Very strong character development.

The descriptions were vividly worded to provide the reader a clear visual, both of the area and the features of the characters. I had no trouble maintaining a visual of the events in my mind as they transpired.

The way you presented this word was believable and realistic. I didn't find any indication of inconsistency in the plot line or the development of the world and traditions. I like that you provided a list at the end of the piece to indicate the meanings of the additional words. Though I do think they were presented within the piece well enough to make them believable and allow the reader to understand their meaning before hand.

The dialogue between the characters was very natural and expressive. I found it believable.

The title of this piece fits the content well. The last paragraph summed up the story well and allowed thoughtful reflection from the reader, and an understanding of why things turned out as they did.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...but I guess he had others to attend to more important."
I found I stumbled on the wording in this sentence. Consider adding 'who were' before 'more important'.

*Bullet*"I could also take private students father or teach music in school or even compose for Uigods choir.
Consider using comma's to break up this sentence a bit. It feels as though he is rambling without them. Also, there is a typo on 'Urgods'.

*Bullet*... what was formerly Liva.
There is a missing 'i' in 'Livia'.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. I would not hesitate to recommend this piece.

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
339
339
Review of Martyr Chapter 3  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Bethany! I apologize for how long it took me to get to reviewing these chapters. I have been a bit busy the last few days. *Smile* I am glad to offer my suggestions, but remember they are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

Well, I think there has been fairly good progress on the story line in these two chapters. Quite a lot of time passed by, bringing them to summer vacation and meeting Chloe's family and friends. There have been a few indicators that Evie will not stay happy with the situation for long. Her attitude is good so far, but she is slightly volatile, so I think there will probably be a confrontation sooner or later.

The meeting of Roz was a nice touch, and gave me a little bit of hope for Evie to find some happiness, or at least have some fun that doesn't include Chloe or drinking. Of course, this also gives another potential for a bad situation. I think that's a good thing, there should be no lack of confrontations for you to keep the reader interested.

I am a little bit put off my Chloe's turn around in the car when they were heading to her parents. Her thoughts seemed a bit too scattered. Within the space of two sentences she went from being worried her parents wouldn't like Evie and would drive them apart, to being worried Evie would embarass her. It is realistic for her to think about both things, but I think telling the reader both things at the same time will be too much and seem inconsistent. Something to consider, at any rate. *Smile*

The dialogue flows well and has a realistic feel to it.

I caught a hint of something to come, regarding Evie's job, as well. Make sure you don't get so many subplots going that you can't keep up with them. Readers tend to prefer simple plots to plots they can't seem to follow or feel are realistic. Again, a point to consider.

Suggestions

CHAPTER FOUR

Try to limit the amount you use the word 'had' if at all possible. It tends to create a passive voice. If possible, take it out or reword slightly sometimes. For example,
*Bullet* After two weeks, my officemate had asked for a different place to go, and my advisor had given gave Chloe a part time job filing for the department...

*Bullet*...we sat up a Christmas tree...
I think 'set' would be the correct word for this sentence.

*Bullet*... in my twenty two years...
Numbers such as this should be combined with a hyphen *Right*twenty-two.

*Bullet*...plopped one on mine the second...
I think 'me' would flow smoother than 'mine'.

*Bullet*... word of my sentence came out squeaking.
Consider using 'as a squeak' rather than 'squeaking'. It would improve the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*She’d bought me a...
there is no need for the 'had' in this sentence.

*Bullet*... new coffee pot with its’ own...
Don't need the apostrophe at the end of 'its'.

*Bullet*...we spend hours making...
The word 'spend' should be 'spent'.

*Bullet*...and together we made turkey and every side we could think of.
To limit the use of the word 'and' consider using 'along with' before 'every side'.

*Bullet*...forced to filing a restraining order on...
To use 'filing' you need 'to' to be 'into', or you could say 'to file'.

*Bullet* It will fun, none-the-less,...
The word 'will' should be 'was'.

*Bullet*...the light out in beautiful patters all over the walls...
There is a typo on the word 'patterns'.

CHAPTER FIVE

*Bullet*...graduation night where for my high school...
The word 'where' should be 'there'.

*Bullet* The dark hair contrasted against her light features was gorgeous.
The word 'contrasted' should be 'contrasting'.

*Bullet*...going wonderfully Chloe.
Need a comma before 'Chloe'.

*Bullet* She smiled shyly and gave waved her tiny hand hello as...
The word 'gave' is out of place in this sentence.

*Bullet*Carolyn showed me the master suite, which had been the size of my entire apartment.
The word 'had been' do not fit with this sentence. Try 'was' instead.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, the plot line is progressing nicely, as well as the characters themselves. There is definitely room for quite a bit of development. I think after some editing it will flow smoothly and be a very enjoyable read. Happy Writing!

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340
340
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, PLScholl2!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone of this piece was done well to portray the emotional upset of the character as she runs about, having a very bad morning. It reflects her mood well, adding to the reaction of the reader as they progress through the story. It is also explanatory without over emphisizing minor details. Very nice.

The attention to detail in this piece is really good. The descriptions are well worded and placed within the narrative in a way that does them justice and allows the reader to create a visual with next to no effort. I found it easy to maintain a clear picture of the events as they happened. The descriptions of physical attributes was nicely done, allowing for a bit of creativity from the reader. Also, the way her dream followed her, by way of seeing Mr.Granger's pointed eye teeth, was a nice touch.

The dialogue between the characters flowed naturally and was realistic, taking into account the development of Kasey's character. I found it was easy to follow and believable.

The character development was good for the amount of time you had to work on it. This was a fairly short piece, so not a whole lot of development is really needed in this area, besides what pertains to the situation at hand. You showed well how patient Jack was; his bemused expression, the way he had her coffee ready for her, etc. were really nice ways of adding this element without the need to be obvious. Very well done.

The story line development and execution was believable, as well as adding a touch of humor to the negative events that transpired. Poor Kasey suffered quite a fit realistic set backs for her day, only to arrive at work and find the worst had come to pass and she had lost her job. By that point, I was about ready to cry with her. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Thanks! You’re a doll” Kasey jumped...
Missing the end punctuation before the quotation mark.

*Bullet*“Ummm, How about I go make that coffee now?”
The word 'How' does not need to be capitalized.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A well written, realistic piece. I enjoyed the read. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
341
341
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Dreamin1!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is definitely a thought provoking piece. I believe you have presented this eternal question in a very realistic, open minded fashion. You have made reference to many different religious beliefs, from what I recognized as Catholic, to Atheism, to Prodistan. I believe you have provided the reader with very clear questions, ones which will undoubtedly spur deep thought and reflection.

I agree with you that this is a question we must answer for ourselves, regardless of religious background, or lack thereof. Like you explained, the Bible itself is completely open to personal interpretation, and has been 'interpretated' in so many different ways and by so many different view points that I believe there is no true answer to this question. Which, I believe, is one of the main ideas you were trying to get across.

The sentence structure in this piece suited the narrative tone very well. The tone of this piece helped to capture the essence, the question of what is truly correct when referencing right and wrong. I think the tone is also one of the things that makes this piece so intense. It challenges the reader to truly think about it, to challenge themselves to try and answer it. Many have tried, many believe they have succeeded, but in the scheme of things, we will never know.

I was captured by the first paragraph easily. The quality of the writing, combined with the narrative tone pulled me alond through the piece with ease. It was the type of read where I forgot I was actually reading. Very nice. You managed to convey the narrators emotions without pushing them on the reader, expressing belief without demanding the reader agree. I believe this will appeal to the reader. The reader agreeing with the narrator isn't the point of this, and that comes across very strongly. The ending statement was simply wonderful. It sums up the general idea, in a way the reader will understand.

Alright, enough rambling, I think! *Wink* Onto the suggestions...

Suggestions

*Bullet*...for any reason honorable?,It happens...
Just a misplaced comma after the question mark.

*Bullet*I have one technical suggestion. I noticed as I read, there is a tendency to use the word 'that' often. I think there are many places it could be removed to provide a smoother flow without changing the content. I have provided an example of one such place, below.
~Maybe they believe that Hell is a place that most people wouldn't want to be,...


*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, I think you have done a very nice job of expressing the philosophical question contained in this piece with an objective point of view, allowing the reader to decide for themselves. An extremely enjoyable, thought provoking read. Very well done!

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~AJ Lyle~

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
342
342
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Jasmine. You were kind enough to read and review my work, and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

Strengths

This piece has good potential. The ending hook is very nice, it leads the reader up to a revelation that will more than likely be devastating to Stacey, which will definitely make people want to continue on to the next chapter. Great job with that.

The character development of Stacey is moving along well. The dialogue allows the reader to see she is somewhat shallow, worrying whether she will turn into a nerd or not {which made me laugh!), and her thoughts show she is very concerned with what is cool and how her friends and others view her. For a first chapter, that is a great start. The first paragraph of the second section is well worded and structured, allowing for the reader to get a sense of how she is feeling. This is an important part of character development, as well as hooking the reader. Good job.

The tone of the narrative is good. The narrator is Stacey and the tone reflects her emotions and reactions, showing the reader what she sees and feels. You did good with the first person tense, it is a hard one to perfect because you cannot experience the other characters inner thoughts and have to rely solely on the narrator for information. I think you have done well writing it this way, it seems to be natural form for you. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*I am Stacey keemer, I am 16, have a gorg-boyfriend, blonde hair, blue eyes, big chest. am one of those sexy, popular girls who EVERYONE knows and loves.
This is a whole lot of information to impart in a quick list format. You want the introduction of the main character to be memorable for the reader. Consider expanding this first sentence, adding a bit more extra info and creating several sentences out of it. For an example, I have done this below. Remember though, this is straight off the top of my head, and as the author, you get to decide whether you agree or not!*Smile*
My name is Stacey Keemer. I'm sixteen years old with honey blonde hair, matching blue eyes and a creamy complexion. I'm one of those girls in school that everyone loves, with the added benefit of being well endowed, if you know what I mean, and the hottest guy I know as my boyfriend.
I know these facts may be different than what you imagine, but I added some to show you what I mean about additional info.

*Bullet*It is a good idea to place numbers in long format, for example, 3 years = three years.

*Bullet*3 years ago now, that it was nearly Mike, my boyfriend's 17th birthday party,...
This sentence is slightly confusing to me, was it Mike's 17th birthday when Stacey was 13? Also, try starting this sentence with, 'It was three years ago now,...'

*Bullet*It all started when Me and Mike went upstairs and had some fun!
I think you need to expand on this thought a bit. The sentence directly following this states she is walking home, later that night, so I don't really understand how it was the fun which started everything. Also, should be 'Mike and I'.

*Bullet* I did not know what happened, if it had not been for the sounds, I would not have known what happened.
Consider rephrazing this slightly. It sounds as though you are saying the same thing each time, though what I think you mean is if not for the sounds, you wouldn't have realized anything was wrong. Am I right?

*Bullet*Take a quick read through and look for the beginning words of new sentences. There are a few that aren't capitalized.

*Bullet*...stopped my thought in it's tracks.
The word 'it's' is referring to the thought so should be 'its'. The apostrophe is only needed if it could be replaced with 'it is' without changing the meaning.

*Bullet*A golden wolves head necklace.
This sentence feels awkward, like it would be hard to say out loud. Try 'A golden necklace in the shape of a wolf's head'.

*Bullet*I tried it on, and everything shot forward, and I felt a pulling sensation.
Try to reduce using the word 'and' in a sentence more than once. It tends to feel repetitive. You could rephraze slightly to reduce this need, for example, 'I tried it on and everything shot forward as pulling sensation came over me.

*Bullet*Not lieing on a metal table...
The word 'lieing' should be 'lying'.

*Bullet*...tomorrow at 1 oclock for lunch.
I suggest to word this as 'one o'clock'.

*Bullet*I wonder at Phillius' personality. Though I like how he acted at the end, I wonder at why he felt it necessary to kidnap her, then simply schedule a meeting at the Pizza Palace. It feels inconsistent. You may consider working that out a bit for the reader to understand it.

Overall

All in all, I think you have done pretty well with introducing the main character, as well as hooking the reader with a supernatural occurance. I enjoyed the character of Phillius, he seemed to be quite calm and in control of himself. Stacey comes across as a realistic sixteen year old and I'm sure young adult readers will appreciate that she acts like an average teenager. I believe this has good potential, and that with some diting, will be a great first chapter.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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343
343
Review of Down Home  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

This is a promising start to what appears to be a dramatic story. It is clear in the beginning that Jane has escaped a marriage to a man who abused her. The second section, a few months later, gives the impression that her and her daughter are having difficulty dealing with the after affects of such a horrible situation. I know from experience that this can be a very volatile situation, especially if the husband decides to make a reappearance.

The narrative is smooth for the most part, though I think you could consider using a bit more variety with sentence length. There is a tendency to use long sentences with a lot of comma's. Though this can create a soft, flowing tone to the writing, it can become tiresome for the reader as well. These types of sentences can be hard for the reader to follow. Does that make sense? I sure hope so! *Smile*

The dialogue between Jane and her daughter was realistic. I got a fairly good sense of Jane's personality through this chapter. She seems to be a hard working mother who would love nothing more than to have a calm, normal life. The character of the daughter was barely introduced so I don't feel that I can make any comments in that regard as of yet.

Definitely an intriguing start. Keep up the good work!

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...that housed The 1st savings bank of Milwaukee.
I think if this is a name of a bank that the words 'savings bank' should also be capitalized.

*Bullet*The second paragraph is all one sentence. Consider revising it into shorter sentences. The reason I suggest this is because I found I had to read it twice to get it all because I got side tracked with all the different thoughts at one time.

*Bullet*...and could not force herself eyes to nap while the sun was still up during the day.
There is an extra word in this sentence, I think it is 'eyes'.

*Bullet*Waking up gasping for the air she never could full let into her lungs.
The word 'full' should be 'fully'.

*Bullet*Jane Addison pulled her maroon ford pickup truck into the parking lot of the Salem Grade School parking lot amazingly as the release bell rang.
This sentence seems awkward. First, 'parking lot' is used twice, also, consider rewording slightly, refraining from the adverb 'amazingly'. For example, 'Jane Addison pulled her maroon ford pick-up truck into the parking lot of Salem Grade School just as the release bell rang. She was amazed at her luck.

*Bullet*...window and waived her over.
The word 'waived' should be 'waved'. Waived is used when 'waiving' a fine, or something of the like.


Overall

An interesting first chapter. I am interested to see where this story goes. *Smile*

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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344
344
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Old Warrior!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very productive chapter as far as information is concerned. My personal knowledge of the time frame they are referencing is very limited, so I am not sure if the facts are all 'factual' or whether they were fictionalized for the story. However, that said, I don't think it really matters. The point I am getting at is that you have used dialogue between the characters very well to help the reader understand the facts as they are explained. Considering my limited knowledge, I had no trouble following the conversation and understanding the information. I think this is very important to retain the readers interest, whether they are knowledgeable or not. Nicely done.

The narrative flowed very nicely and was easy to follow. The descriptions were vivid, and again, I have no knowledge of the area you are using, but I found I was able to create a visual in my minds eye with very little effort. Well done.

The dialogue between Monday, Daria and Henri was active and easy to follow. Their speech varied depending on the speaker, which makes it easy to distinguish between characters without extra narrative to explain this each time. Nice. Also, I found the way they spoke to be realistic and believable. I like the character Henri, he seems to be a very realistic character. He says what he thinks, without worrying about the consequences.

This story is getting deeper with the additional information and I think you are doing a very nice job of doing it smoothly, allowing the reader to follow the events with ease.

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Hi Henri.”
I think there should be a comma after 'Hi'.

*Bullet*“Vas is wuss?” Wuss my dear is a man who is no longer a man. A weakling, a groveling, a sniveling half man.”
There is a quotation mark in the midst of this dialogue that doesn't belong.

*Bullet* He laid the documents on the bar and scanning them.
Consider changing the word 'scanning' to 'scanned'. I believe it would be smoother.

*Bullet*“Yes we do but we need help following the clues that give the directions.”
Consider placing a comma after 'do'. I think it would provide a natural pause for smoother flow.

*Bullet*“Ach!” Let me see. “The notes make reference to several places and several people,”
As far as I can tell, 'Let me see' should be a part of the dialogue, but is cut off by quotation marks.

*Bullet*I remember now,” Monday cut in.
Just missing opening quotation mark.

*Star*Overall*Star*

An indepth chapter which moves the story along nicely. The characters and plot line are being developed at a realistic and enjoyable rate. Great work! *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
345
345
Review of Martyr Chapter 2  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya again, Bethany!

Strengths

These two chapters were very enjoyable. Chloe's personality comes through very well and is infectious even to me as I read. I really like how Evie can hear Chloe's thoughts as she speaks. It makes it quite interesting as I read. I think the way you do it is effective. I also have to say, I'm liking Chloe more and more. She is showing she is a lot smarter than she makes herself out to be.

The dialogue between the two girls is realistic and entertaining. A lot of their personality traits have been coming out through the dialogue and their reactions, and I think you have been very consistent with that. I like them both, though they are really very different in almost every respect. Evie started out closed up and is slowly emerging from her shell, again, very realistically. These two are strong characters and come across as believable. This story is going to be a lot of fun to read as it progresses, I'm sure! *Smile*

The flow of the narrative is good, Evie's thoughts give insight to her as a person and to her life before, though very little details have been given in that regard as of yet. I think taking it slow with that was a good idea, especially since when her past starts to come out it will more than likely cause them some problems. I have some thoughts about what I have been percieving as small hints about Chloe's family, but I think I'm just going to wait and see what happens, rather than asking. *Wink* It's funner that way. *Smile*

Suggestions

CHAPTER TWO

*Bullet*The sound of a humming brain...
I wonder if 'mind' would flow a little better. Something to consider.

*Bullet*Watching her made me self-conscience.
The word 'self-conscience' should be 'self conscious'.

*Bullet* You said you’re dad’s a senator;
The word 'you're' should be 'your'.

*Bullet*It’s like I’m going to tell anyone.
This is a piece of Chloe's thoughts. I think you meant to say 'It's not like I'm going to tell anyone.'

*Bullet*You know I can hear your thoughts, and you want me to move in and, what?
This is Evie talking, so the word 'me' should be taken out. Isn't it Chloe that will move in with Evie?

*Bullet*“I’ll be the best roommate ever I promise.
I think a comma after 'ever' would be appropriate.

*Bullet*Hey can I paint my room?
Comma after 'Hey'.

CHAPTER THREE

*Bullet* Everything just thinks I’m some bimbo because I wear nice clothes...
This should be 'everyone'.

*Bullet*Even my teachers had a problem hold back bias when it came to “Crazy Evie.”
The word 'hold' should be 'holding'.

*Bullet*“Haven’t seen you in awhile Evie.”
Comma before 'Evie'.

*Bullet*“Yeah, whatever. I know we both be bisexual,...
I think, 'I know we're both bisexual' would flow smoother.

*Bullet*...probably because she looked like me than I could possibly be comfortable with.
Insert the word 'more' before 'like'. I think it was meant to be there, just overlooked.

*Bullet*day dreaming
These words could be hyphenated to show they are being used as a single concept (day-dreaming).

*Bullet*so they’ll be some cocktail party stuff, too.”
I think 'they'll' should be 'there'll'.

Overall

I am enjoying this immensely. The writing is very good, the flow of narrative and dialogue is realistic and the characters are well rounded and likeable. The story line so far has been intriguing, especially as we begin to learn more about Evie's abilities. I am impressed by this story and can't wait to read more!

Happy Writing!

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346
346
Review of Hard Road  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, T.L. Finch!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This set of lyrics is a really great reflection of a truckers life. My dad was a truck driver all my life, and he always told me, 'A truckers life is the highway, the white line never talks back.' As a child I always just thought it was a great joke, but as an adult I can see he really meant it. He was never at home at 'home', never comfortable until he was in his rig.

This song reflects what a truck driver leaves behind, but in a lot of cases, I think they become so used to the type of freedom it grants them that they can't function anywhere else, or perhaps, just don't want to. It also grants a bit of insight to the type of life a lot of the long haul drivers lead, far from anything much besides the radio, his rig, and the highway.

The flow is right on, the rhyme pattern works well and the wording seems very natural. The chorus is very catchy, in fact I can still recall the words without even trying, so I would say that's a very good thing. The tempo of the piece gives a good indication of what the music behind it would be. Also, the sentence structure was smooth and easy to follow, and produced their own beat according to that structure.

I can't say I know a lot about the technical aspects of song writing, but from a reader/listener's perspective I think you have covered all the bases quite well. I would definitely listen if I heard it on the radio. *Smile*

The word choices in this piece are suggestive of a truck driver and I can say, as a truckers kid, I really appreciated and enjoyed the consistency.

Suggestions

I didn't notice any errors in punctuation, spelling or grammar.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, a well written and enjoyable piece. Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
347
347
Review of Mistaken  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hiya! *Smile*

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I have to admit, this definitely went a whole different direction than what I had in mind when I was reading. Awesome. *Smile* With the amount I read most days, I don't often come across a piece which can suprise me like this one did!

The structure of the story line was consistent. The sequence of events flowed well. I wondered why he would be telling a pharmacy clerk about something that happened in his childhood, at first, but I sure found out why!

The narrative tone really set the mood for the piece well. I was so wrapped up in what would happen if he didn't get proper treatment that I failed to think ahead, which is probably exactly what you intended -- it worked like a charm. Even now, I find myself shaking my head as I recognize the hidden hints. If only I would have paid attention to them.*Wink*

The opening paragraph did its job very well and pulled me into the story, intriguing me right from the start. Loved the ending paragraph as well, it left me with a creepy kind of feeling, just as a great horror should.

The descriptions were very well worded, and flowed easily. I found myself with a clear visual throughout, and have to say, I admire the way in which you worded them without the need for extra metaphors and adverbs. I was especially impressed with the process of the transformation. It was cleverly worded to make something unbelievable seem realitic to me as a reader.

The dialogue between the main character and the store clerk was believable. There was a very natural and realistic flow. The speech of the clerk gave the impression of a younger person, and was unique to his character. Which, I think, made the attack even more horrific when it came.

There was a definite tug on the emotions as the story unfolded. I found myself feeling his fear as he laid in bed, unable to move, and then as his story unfolded to the clerk, I was horrified at how his whole ordeal could have even been possible, thinking to myself, 'poor kid!'. Man, you really got me there.

I found the sentence structure varied nicely, changing in length at the moments of suspense to add to the intensity of the emotions. All in all, very well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...at his horrified refection.
Just a typo in 'reflection'.

Overall

An intriguing story with a horrific twist, made real through the quality of the writing. *Smile* A piece I won't soon forget, that I can promise! *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
348
348
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Dreamin1!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I clicked on this piece, just to see what it was like as I was roving your port and within the first stanza I knew I had to review it. *Smile*

Poetry is such an open form of expression that I find it rare to come across a piece such as this, where the story unfolds much like a story. I was swept into this piece, as I said before, from the first stanza. The use of longer lines really appeals to me as a reader, and in my opinion, allows for the author to really weave expression and emotion into the content.

The story line flows really well in this piece and the progression from stanza to stanza was smooth. Not only that, but story was told from beginning to end without jumping around for dramatic effect. There is some use of ambiguous phrasing, which adds some mystery, perhaps even a bit of romantasized fantasy, and it was really an asset to the content. The emotion infused in this piece was evident and powerful, and I found myself very thoughtful, even reflective, after I finished reading.

As I always do, I read this piece aloud and found it to flow very close to effortlessly throughout. The use of comma's in the sentences allowed for a constant rhythm. The rhyme sequence, as well as the choice of wording sounded natural.

I really like the subject of this piece. It's such a heartbreaking thing to be torn apart by lies, especially when you find later in life that the love didn't fade. I really think you did an exceptional job with this piece. The flow of the story, the reactions and consequences, and the pain suffered throughout came through strongly, realistically and in a believable fashion. Very well done!

Suggestions

*Bullet*... by his closest freind.
Just a typo on 'friend'.

*Bullet*Not space nor time had changed them much. both of them were rare
The period in this sentence should be a comma or a semicolon. I'm guessing it's a typo.

*Bullet*She'd fought it, but then realized her love had not grown cold
Consider using a comma after 'realized'. When I was reading out loud I naturally paused there.

*Bullet*Using some tissue she wiped the tears not on hold.
This sentence sounded off to me in cadence with the stanza it was in. I think lengthening it just slightly would give it a smoother flow. What came to me was, 'Using some tissue she wiped the tears she could no longer hold'. I'm not a poet, by any means, but it's something to consider. *Smile*

All in all, a wonderful read. Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
349
349
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Bethany! You were kind enough to review my work and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

The narrative of this piece does a nice job of setting the tone right away. The first sentence acted as a good hook to pull the reader into the story. I like how you began this with an action sequence, it gets the reader involved in the story quickly and without needing to give a lot of actual information.

The narrative also offers a bit of information in a round about way about Evie. It introduces the idea she can hear others thoughts, and that hearing this girl from so far away is a strange occurance. This fact also gives the reader the impression there is something these two girls have in common they don't know about yet. A nice way to build the plot line.

The character development of Evie is done well through her own thoughts, her reactions to the situation, as well as the dialogue. She comes off as strong, independent, as well as short tempered and a bit self involved. However, the last part is tempered by her strange sense of protectiveness for Chloe. Definitely a well rounded personality set so far.

The dialogue between the two girls is realistic and believable and flows well. Chloe seems a bit immature by her way of speech, but what senators daughter wouldn't' be? *Wink* I think you have developed her character in a believable way so far.

The plot line is moving well so far, I think. From this chapter I got the impression that the guy who attacked Chloe will make a reappearance, and will probably be a part of the main story line. It is enough to intrigue the reader into reading on, but not so much as to make them think it will move along too quickly. I think most readers enjoy a bit of suspenseful build up.

The structure of the sentences and paragraphs is fairly smooth for the most part. There is a variety of sentence lengths which is always a good thing to assist in mood and tone changes without additional superfluous sentences and the transitions from paragraph to paragraph flowed well.

The title seems to fit fairly well, assuming Evie comes to act like a martyr later on, or something along those lines. Her character is fairly close already, seeing as she did risk herself to help someone she didn't even know. *Wink*


Suggestions

*Bullet*His plan had been to drag me inside...
Consider replacing 'had been' to 'was'. It will keep it in past tense while providing a smoother flow.

*Bullet*I ignored the blood that instantly gushed from his nose and ran to the girl on the ground.
Rather than using an adverb to strengthen the verb, 'instantly gushed' consider trying a more active verb, 'gushing'. The fact there is a gush of right away is already obvious because she notices it as she enters.

*Bullet* Now it was my turn to keep form passing out.
There is a typo on 'from'.

*Bullet*...we need to make sure you didn’t have any damage.”
The speaker of this sentence is a nurse and I don't think it reflects the way a nurse would state something like this. Consider something like, 'we need to make sure there are no lasting effects'.

*Bullet*Anymore questions?”
Any more should be two words.

*Bullet* The girl in the chair set up,...
The word 'set' should be 'sat'.

*Bullet*“Can I ask you something” She asked quietly.
Missing punctuation before the end quotation marks.

*Bullet* I’m sorry you don’t care about any of this.”
I think you should seperate the 'I'm sorry'. Perhaps use a comma or period. The reason I say this is because it sounds as though the girl is sorry that Evie doesn't believe her, rather than apologizing because she doesn't care and shouldn't be bothering her. Does that make sense?

*Bullet* prideful
Consider using 'proud' instead.

*Bullet*There are a few times when there are thoughts which aren't in italics. This may be confusing for the reader.

*Bullet*An image flashed in her head and me from replying.
This sentence doesn't really make sense to me. I'm thinking you mean Evie got the image from the girl as she had it, but I'm not too sure. Consider rewording to reduce confusion.

Overall

All in all, a strong start! Keep Writing!


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
350
350
Review of Riley's Lullaby  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya again, Kelticmyst!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is one sweet lullaby! I could imagine the tune as I was reading, definitely a nice soft song, perfect for closing little eyes. The images of butterflies and castles in the sky are very sweet, and I'm sure would help inspire peaceful dreams. *Smile*

Though it is simple in form, I really felt emotion from it as I read through. To be honest, it reminds me a lot of the little diddy my own mother sang to me when I was young. *Smile* Definitely the kind of piece that tugs at the heart strings, for sure.

The theme of this piece stays constant through the stanza's, and the reuse of the idea of dreams and sleep in consistent, landing at the end of every other stanza. I don't know if you planned it that way, but it works out well.

I didn't notice any specific rhyming sequence and I think it works quite well that way, especially as this would most likely be sung in soft, flowing sentences.

I think you have done a simply lovely job of creating a piece of music that most every child would enjoy and be lulled by. I also like how it repeats the following lines:

I will always be by your side
You will always be in my heart.
Go to sleep
My baby girl

It is important for our children to know how we feel about them, and saying it over and over like this creates a method for them to always remember just how much!

Suggestions

The only suggestion I have is on the following section:

Of kings and queens
And their castles
In the sky.

When I was reading it out loud, the last line on this part felt too short and seemed to stagger the flow just slightly. Of course this is taking into acount the tune I gave to it, which might be very different from your own. *Smile*

All in all, a beautiful piece. Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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