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Review Requests: OFF
2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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376
376
Review of Once Loved  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on The Review Request Page.

Strengths

This piece is well written with good structure. The progress through her memories is consistent and the flow is really good for the most part. The beginning hooked me, and the content kept me intrigued right until the end. There are a range of emotions in this piece, and they were evident to me as I read. The tone of the narrative was realistic and gave insight to the character of the young woman. A sad piece though, but well worth the read.

The title of the piece fits the content perfectly.

Suggestions

*Bullet* Why try to keep a person warm when they have been touched by death’s icy finger.
I think this should have a question mark at the end. It sounds better if it is not rhetorical, in my opinion.

*Bullet*Something I have learned recently is to limit the amount the word 'that' is used. I believe there are a few spots where it is used but not needed. Test out the sentences where it is found, strike the word 'that' and see if it still makes sense, if it does, take it out. It is a simple thing and helps the flow of the read.*Smile*


Overall

An enjoyable read.*Smile* Happy Writing!


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377
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya!

Strengths:

I think one of the things I like the most about Twyla's character is her sense of humor, that girl doesn't stay down long! It seems the story is progressing nicely. Adding the relationship problem with Jesse was a good move, I think, it will add to Twyla's sense of purpose, as well as providing a new opportunity for confrontation.

Technical Suggestions

*Bullet* I just told her that I get a headache when the sunlight comes in, which I'm really not lying.
This sentence seems a bit awkward to me. The second part 'which I'm really not lying' doesn't flow with the first part. Perhaps try seperating it into two sentences and drop the word 'which'. Or, something like this, 'I just told her I get a headache when the sunlight comes in, and I wasn't lying'.

*Bullet* I roll over a grab my sunglasses off of my nightstand and stumble over to close my drapes.
I think you could cut this down to make it a little smoother. For example, 'I roll over, grab my sunglasses from my night stand and then stumble over to close the drapes'. I guess I didn't cut it down much, but I think it reads smoother. What do you think?

*Bullet*"Thanks, ma. I wish I could eat it" I mutter, "Yeah, I'm up mom.
There should be punctuation before the end quotation on the first part. Also, the part 'I mutter,' makes the following statement seem like it is muttered as well. Here is my suggestion, "Thanks, ma. I just wish I could eat it," I mutter. Then, "Yeah, I'm up mom.I think it shows the seperation well enough.

*Bullet*...and wave like dumbass?
Just need an 'a' after 'like'.

*Bullet*"I just wanted to see you, that's all." he turns his head slightly towards me, grinning.
I noticed this a few times, so I thought I would show you an example. When the dialogue ends with a period, the next word 'he' should be capitalized.

*Bullet*"You're skin is so cold," his warm hand rests on my cheek.
The word 'you're' should be 'your'.

*Bullet*"Where you, like, waiting at the window?"
The word 'where' should be 'were'.

*Bullet* I hide my running bad under Kylie's bed and head out the door.
The word 'bad' should be 'bag'.

*Bullet*I think the meeting with Madeline felt a little rushed. In my opinion, Twyla and Kylie's acceptance of her seems like a giant leap of faith, especially considering one of them is human. I wonder if adding some hesitation might make it seem more realistic.

Overall

The characters, as well as the plot, seem to be progressing well. Keep on writing!


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378
378
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review" .


Strengths:

True love seems to be an idea which never loses its appeal. The idea which inspired this piece is very nice, and the touch of fantasy is a wonderful addition. There is a sense of intensity between the two and the man, or the wolf, or both, can be anything or anyone the reader wants him to be. I think this allows the reader the freedom to enjoy the piece in their own way every time. Nice job on that.

Suggestions:

I think the imagery of this piece could be enhanced with the use of well used punctuation and wording. I love what you are trying to convey, but I found myself having a hard time seeing and feeling what the main character feels. You may consider using the third person perspective, just to see if perhaps it is easier to convey the fantastical quality you are going for.

I found a few sentences which I have included specific suggestions, they are as follows.

*Bullet*I stop to look around enjoy the tranquility of the moment.
This sentence doesn't quite flow. I have two ideas of how you could increase the flow. You could add the word 'and' after 'around' or you could put a comma after 'around' and change 'enjoy' to 'enjoying'. Either way, I think, would work.

*Bullet*...the trees are full of leaves and gently swaying in the breeze.
The flow on this sentence feels stunted. I think you could reword it just slightly to increase the effect. For example,'the trees are full of leaves and sway gently with the breeze.

*Bullet* Curiosity gets the best of me I head for the eyes.
I think there is punctuation needed for this sentence. There is no break betweeen 'me' and 'I' which can be confusing for the reader.

In Conclusion

The idea of this piece has vast potential, and it is plain to see there is true talent behind the writing.Spend some time and play with the sentence structure, read the piece out loud to yourself to test for flow, and have fun with it.

I enjoyed reading this piece, and can't wait to see it again once you have perfected it. *Smile* I would be more than happy to revise the rating later on, so feel free to let me know if you edit!

Happy Writing!

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379
379
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! I saw that it is your anniversary month, so I thought I would stop by for a review!

What a lovely, sentimental piece. One of the hardest things in life, I think, is watching those you love as they age and I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to watch them suffer as well. The memories you have shown the reader are so wonderful. They are the little tid-bits that stick in the memory and come to suprise us every so often with a soft memory of love.

I noticed one small thing I thought I would mention, it is as follows.

*Bullet*Now, she’s a changed woman and, sadly, it’s years since I’ve heard that laugh.
The last part of this sentence is off just slightly. I wonder if you were to say 'it's been years since I've heard that laugh'. Remember, it is only a suggestion.

This piece has reminded me of how short life can be, and how important it is to know the people you love, inside and out, so you can always remember them. A very nice, emotional read. It was the perfect compliment to my evening cup of coffee. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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380
380
Review of Siren Song  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya!

My Impression

To be completely honest, my first thought after reading this was, wow! I am no good at writing poetry, but I love to read it, and this has got to be one of the best I have read for a good long while. The rhythm was constant, the word choice had a smooth flow, and the transition from stanza to stanza was flawless.

The title suits the piece perfectly.

I really liked the subject of this piece. Poetry tends to be quite cliche, but you have used an interesting topic, with unlimited options. The Siren is a creature that is seldom used, and especially not in such a compelling way. The tone of this piece was emotional and drew me in easily.

The progression was also well done. You have no idea how many pieces I read that don't have a point, or at least, none that I can discern. Part of the challenge with writing poetry is for it to be meaningful to both the author and the reader, and I think you have achieved that beautifully.

My Suggestions

No suggestions for improvement, it is already wonderful!*Smile*

Overall

An enjoyable read which has inspired me! I would definitely recommend this to anyone.

Happy Writing!


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381
381
Review of The Final Leg  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya! I found this piece on The Review Request Page.

My First Impression

The title for this piece is appropriate and relates well to the content.

This story was dramatic, descriptive and easy to visualize as I read. I found the sentence structure and flow to be fairly steady and the story line to be well presented from beginning to end. It kept my interest throughout and the ending line was very suitable.

The tone of the narrative was active and compelling. Very nice.

My Suggestions

*Bullet*... they went on their lives as normal, just another day.
I think adding the word 'with' before 'their' would even out the flow for this sentence.

*Bullet*His co-driver beside him yelled instructions,...
It's quite possible I am wrong, but I believe the term co-driver already gives the impression he/she would be beside the driver. I don't think you need to add the 'beside him' to establish his position. This is pure opinion, so feel free to disregard if you don't agree. *Smile*

*Bullet*...as it landed after one particularly hard landing,...
I don't quite understand this sentence, how can it land after a landing?

*Bullet*...but they were still going straight ahead driving towards the expanse of sky and nothingness.
I think this sentence would benefit from a comma after 'ahead'.

*Bullet* Tom thought he might black out at any second but his eyes stayed open just in time to see the cloud of dust rush up around them as the crushing, utterly devastating impact disturbed the otherwise still ground.
This sentence felt a little wordy to me, I would suggest thinning it down a little by removing the unnecessary information. For example,
Tom though he might black out but his eyes remained opened to witness the cloud of dust rush up around them as their crushing, utterly devastating impact disturbed the otherwise still ground.

Overall

An enjoyable read! Happy Writing!


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382
Review of insearch of joy  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hiya! I am reviewing this poem because you posted it on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . Thank you for posting!

Strengths

The concept of this poem is wonderful, a search for eternal joy which ends within one's self. Very nice.


My Suggestions

*Bullet*I was walking on a path leading to eternal joy,
After reading through the poem, this sentence seems off to me. If the person was already walking the path which led to eternal joy, then they would have nothing left to look for.

*Bullet*I was searching it in material things.
Craving for what i never had those material things.
The repetition of 'material things' is too close together here and interrupts the flow. My suggestion is to rephrase the second line, using different words.

*Bullet*I was filled with despair which seemed never ending thing.
With this one, I noticed the word thing seems to be extra. I think you could omit that word to produce a smoother flow.

To be honest, I think this poem could benefit from some extra content. When I think of an internal journey such as this, I see unhappiness, then struggle, then a moment of epiphany from which the realization comes. I think if you added a middle section it would produce an overall picture for the reader. For example, how did he/she realise? What happened to produce such a life changing moment? Maybe a friend's selflessness could cause such a result. What do you think? One last thing. Something I do with poetry is read it out loud. I find in doing this, I can see how the flow will work out when someone reads it, and is something I suggest to all poets.

Overall

I think the idea behind this poem is a real winner. Many people struggle in life, and to read about it in a piece such as this could produce the light bulb effect for many. I believe that with a little spit and polish, this will be a great piece!

Please remember, all of these comments have been made in the attempt to help you along with your writing.*Smile*

Happy Writing!!


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383
383
Review of Sin Nomine  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya! I am reviewing this piece because you posted it on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . Thank you for posting!

Strengths

This story is well written. The flow of the sentences is smooth for the most part, the only exception being a few places where I felt they could be shortened into seperate sentences - a minor point of personal preference. The tone of the narrative was wonderful, it drew me in and set the tone of the story very well. It gave me a sensation of actually being within the dream, languid almost. Hopefully that makes sense to you!*Smile* The character of the girl wasn't developed much, but I don't think it really needed to be to make the intended point. I think the title is suitable for the piece, and the explanation of its meaning very well done. It was enough without taking away from the flow of the story.

My Suggestions

*Bullet* ...casing butterflies, swells of laughter,...
The word 'casing' should be 'chasing'.

*Bullet* But no, there was nothing, nothing but black.
A minor suggestion here, but I think this statement would be more dramatic if you got to the point faster. For example,
But there was nothing, only blackness. (or something like that anyway).

*Bullet*She remember warnings she had never heard,...
The word 'remember' should be 'remembered'.

*Bullet*The little girl, she promised herself, would find out what made the place so special.
The way this sentence is written it sounds as though she is saying 'Little girl' to herself as well. I suggest to rephrase slightly to avoid reader confusion. For example,
The little girl promised herself she would find out what made the place so special.

*Bullet*There never seemed to be anything but herself and the dark cave walls that were cool to the touch.
I think you could increase the flow of this sentence by omitting the words 'that were' before 'cool to the touch' and replacing them with a comma and the word 'so'. For example,
There never seemed to be anything but herself and the dark cave walls, so cool to the touch. This suggestion is pure opinion, so feel free to disregard if you don't agree.

*Bullet* The laughter one grew the more the little girl struggled to pull away from the woman, her voice...
I think the word 'one' can be omitted. It doesn't seem to fit.

*Bullet*...she closed her eyes and trying to wake,...
The word 'trying' should be 'tried' unless you take out the 'and'.


Overall

An enjoyable read! Happy Writing!


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384
384
Review of Rite of Passage  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!!

This was an enjoyable essay to read. It showed how sometimes major life-changing situations don't have to be dramatic or fearful, and can be made by choice alone. Very nice. I found the structure well set out, the sentences well written and smooth, and the overall meaning to be clear.

I found a couple of things I thought I would point out to you. They are as follows. Please remember though, these are only my opinions so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

*Bullet* I struggled with trying to determine what was the one action in my childhood that marked my transition from child to adult.
I think saying 'what was' makes this sound as though it will be a question. Perhaps if you rephrase slightly, take out the 'was' and put it after 'childhood' it would flow a little smoother.

*Bullet*...it was a quite moment, a quite experience that put me face-to-face with responsibility and the world.
I think 'quite' was meant to be 'quiet'.


All in all, this essay was very well written and a pleasure to read. Happy Writing!


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385
385
Review of Accursed Magic  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review" .

My First Impression

To be very honest, I enjoyed this piece immensely. Vampire stories are easy to come by, but you have gone out of the norm, so to speak, with this piece. Adding magic to the mix, and even a ghost, took this to the next level in supernatural fiction. I absolutely loved the hook, it added yet another element of suspense to the story. I think your writing is smooth, descriptive and vivid. I had no problem following the scenes as they progressed, as well as visualizing the action. Very nicely done.

I found only a few minor things that I thought I would point out. Remember these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

My Suggestions

*Bullet*...the living room light at the end indicating that’s where I’d find Nettie.
I don't think the word 'that's' is necessary to this sentence and I believe it would flow smoother without it.

*Bullet*...around her considerably bigger one.
This is a very minor point, but I think 'larger' would flow smoother than 'bigger'.

*Bullet* “He left this in an envelope scotch taped to the front door.
Another minor point, but I think the word 'scotch' is unnecessary and that the sentence would flow smoother without it.

Overall

A very interesting, captivating read. Good luck with the contest! Oh, and I would love to see a continuation of this story at some point, I think you have more than enough potential sub plots to carry this on into a much larger work.

Happy Writing!


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386
386
Review of The Path We Chose  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hiya! I found this piece on 'The Review Request Page'.

My First Impression

I think the idea behind this piece is a really good one. It is a life lesson, really. The way one acts in life will reflect in the afterlife. Poor Mark was given a test when the Will was read, a test he didn't pay attention to. As far as plot goes you definitely have the necessary elements: beginning, middle and end, as well as motivation and consequence. For the most part the character development is good, but I do have a suggestion regarding Jason. It states in the beginning that he is Dean's best friend, and yet he was the one to suggest being underhanded. I'm thinking that with how 'helpful' Dean was, he would notice such a tendency in his friend. I find it hard to believe they were best friends. However, sometimes opposites do attract, so feel free to take it or leave it.

All in all, I believe this piece has potential to be an intense read.


My Suggestions

I have a few overall suggestions to begin with. First, I suggest you read this piece aloud to yourself. I believe that there are sentences in here that are overly long and wordy, that could be trimmed down a bit for a smoother flow. If it doesn't flow naturally off the tongue, then trim it down. Secondly, using more than one or two adverbs in a sentence can be distracting for a reader. I believe you could cut back on these as well. Lastly, be careful of how many times you use the words 'had' and 'that'. I have recently learned that these words are not always necessary. To check if it is needed, omit the word and see if it still makes sense. If not, then it is needed. *Smile* That said, following are a few specific examples, as well as some punctuation and grammatical errors I noticed as I read.

*Bullet* He also noticed that if he looked hard enough he could see himself in the wall, his reflection looking back at him with a confused expression on its face.
I think you could eliminate 'on its face' from the end of this sentence. It is not needed because the word 'expression' indicates the face anyway so it tends to come off as repetitious.

*Bullet*He quickened his pace trying to keep count of how much time he had spent here, but it was impossible to keep track.
This sentence sounds as though he was walking faster in order to keep track of time, but I don't see how that could work. Perhaps you should rephrase if that is not your intention.

*Bullet*Just a quick note: the second paragraph is missing end punctuation.

*Bullet*...but after Dean had passed away they had been forced to be in contact with each other quite a lot since Jason being Dean’s closest friend.
You could eliminate the first 'had' before 'passed away', as well, 'quite a lot since Jason being Dean's closest friend' doesn't really make sense. My suggestion:
...but after Dean passed away they had been forced to be in close contact as Jason was Dean's closest friend.

*Bullet*As he begun to pour his scrambled eggs out the measuring jug onto a sparklingly clean he wrapped up his conversation.
This sentence doesn't make sense to me. I think you should reread and revise.

*Bullet*While he was considering that if the inheritance is sizeable enough he would move out of this house,...
I would rephrase this sentence because it switches tense, and doesn't flow very well. For example,
While he considered a possible move - dependent on the size of the inheritance - ~~And then the rest of the sentence. Just a suggestion.*Smile*

*Bullet*...and a female news reports voice was heard...
I would say 'a female reporter's voice'.

*Bullet*The entrepreneur and activist had touched many lives and hearts with his generosity and his family have decided to make it an open invitation for anyone who wants to pay their respects.’
The first 'had' is not needed. It should read, 'The entrepreneur and activist touched many lives...' Also, the word 'have' after 'his family' should be 'has'.

*Bullet*They said that if he was denied this he was likely to get very upset and verHe didn’t know how he would react, and eventually the Mugger broke eye contact and fumbled with something under his jacket
There are some typo errors in this sentence.

Overall

On the whole, I think the concept of this story is wonderful and with a little work, would be an amazing story, as well as a positive life lesson for some people. It really made me think, that's for sure. Please feel free to let me know after you edit, and I would be happy to re-read and re-rate accordingly. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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387
387
Review of Taillights  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!!

This piece was a very nice read. The narrative tone is gentle, almost wistful, and the pace is consistent. The memory of Timberwolf and Curbhopper was well placed and flowed well with the story. I just loved it when their identities were revealed - a very touching moment.

I related to this piece as my dad was a truck driver most of my life. I remember the times I spent with him in his truck and find I miss the little things, like the smell of the diesel in his clothes. The details, such as that one, helped to set the tone of the piece, as well as tickle my own memories.

This piece left me feeling content, which in itself is one of the goals many writers have: to elicit an emotional response from the reader. This one sure did that for me.

All in all, very well written and a joy to read. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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388
388
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, I found this piece on the ReviewMe Page for WDC Power Reviewers.

This piece of dialogue is really cute, and sure left me smiling. I really like how you used different WritingML for each character, it allowed me to see the difference between the robber, police, and even the appearance of the police officer's son. The dialogue is cute, as well. Poor bank robber though couldn't really get a word in to actually perform the robbery!

I didn't find any punctuation or grammar issues, and the sentence structure and flow was right on target.

Happy Writing!

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389
389
Review of A Hug Gone Wrong  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, I found this piece on the ReviewMe Page for WDC Power Reviewers. Thank you for posting!

This poem is full of different emotions, and I found the transition between each was done quite flawlessly. Reading through was smooth, and the constant use of punctuation helped to understand the flow. Very nice. The content is definitely original, and left me with a sense of regret and sadness. I think you expressed the situation very well, and I found I could visualize it easily.

I have a couple of suggestions, they are as follows.

- My tears come to a hault,
*** The word 'hault' should be 'halt'.

The line that starts with, 'Have you forgotten...' felt slightly off as far as flow. I have a habit of reading poems aloud and I found I stumbled around 'how to give a hug to a girl'. I wonder if slightly rephrasing would help, but definitely not at the sacrifice of the meaning. Hopefully that makes sense! *Smile*

All in all, a very nice read. Happy Writing!

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390
390
Review of Just a Fairytale  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya!

Another good read! Once again, I like the content of this. The story unravels in a consistent manner, allowing the reader to get a clear picture of the pain behind the words. Though the subject is fairly well used in poetry, you have changed it and made it your own. Hopefully that makes sense to you! *Smile* The way it is written in the first person makes it more personal, which is why I think it would make for a great song. I'm sure there are many people out there that could relate, that's for sure. I also enjoyed the fact that the structure was fairly open, it enables originality.

I noticed one thing I thought I would mention. It is as follows.

- Tears falling…down my face...
*** This line seems out of place compared to the rest of the piece. In my opinion, both 'tears falling' and 'down my face' really reflect the same thought. It is pretty well a given that if tears are falling, they are going on the face. My suggestion is to change the second line to something more abstract such as the heart breaking, the soul feeling empty, etc. What do you think?

All in all, a great set of lyrics. Happy Writing!!

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391
391
Review of Her Tears  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya! I found this on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . Thank you for posting!

I enjoyed reading this poem. I really liked the idea behind this piece, so many people out there are never heard until it is too late, and the question you ask at the end is one that inspired me to really think about it. Nice job! For the most part I found the rhythm fairly steady. There is no real rhyme or reason, which I like, it allows a certain freedom for the author.

I have a habit of reading poetry out loud and when I did I found that there is one section that doesn't flow as well as the rest, at least, in my opinion. It is as follows. Remember, this is just my opinion so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

- So easy to not see, and too quiet to hear.

Or is it that you're too busy to care?
*** I stumbled when I read these two lines. The first one felt like too many words, like my mouth had trouble wrapping around them and keeping the flow steady. The second line I think would be more dramatic if it was said as a statement. For example,

~~ So easy to ignore, and too quiet to hear
Perhaps you're just too busy to care.

Or something like that, I don't pretend to be a great poet so you will definitely have to change it up and make it good, but it gives you an idea of what I mean.

An enjoyable read! Happy Writing!

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392
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya!

I found this piece to be quite moving. The shorter sentences seemed to enhance the emotional feel of the narrative and the writing was smooth and easy to read through. There was a sense of regret and possibly even guilt from the narrator, as though he felt that he should have been the one to go. In such a short piece the reader got a good look at the character of Mark and how his friendship had impacted the life of the narrator. Very nice. I didn't notice any errors in punctuation or flow, just an enjoyable read!

Happy Writing!

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393
393
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on the Shameless Plug Page.

I found this to be a very insightful and moving essay. You did a good job with the tone of the piece, I felt it was consistent. There is a strong undercurrent of personal opinion, and I think it really added a level of intensity to the entire piece. I also like how you used various quoted statements to make your point, it intensified the message considerably, and also shows the level of preparation that was undertaken to write this.

Due to the fact that you requested help on grammar I did go through this piece a second time but was only able to find a couple of things to comment on. They are as follows.

- We hold the blame because is that not the belief of democracy; that the people should rule?
*** I stumbled on this sentence. I think that reworking it slightly would help. For example,
~~We hold the blame - is it not the belief of democracy that the people should rule?

- As Barry Goldwater said “Remember that a government big....
*** Just need punctuation after 'said'.

All in all, a well written and insightful essay!

Happy Writing!

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394
Review of Kid's Poems  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya! Welcome to WDC, I am sure you will love it here!

I think these poems are wonderful children's pieces. The rhythm is steady, the rhymes are well done, and the content is humorous. I am sure these poems will be fun for children.

I have four kids, aged 2 to 11, and I liked these poems so well that I read them aloud to my kids, complete with expressions, and they loved them! My eleven year old boy especially liked the fishing one, he laughed so hard when the trout was stuck to his toe!

All in all, well written and enjoyable! Happy Writing!


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395
Review of The Last Cynthia  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya! Welcome to WDC!

I really enjoyed reading this piece, and I hope you continue on with the story. The plot line is very different than the majority of stories, and I found it very entertaining. The narrative has a definite personality to it and gives insight to the main characters personality and motivations. The writing flows well and I had no trouble getting right into it. I was a little disappointed at the end that there was no more to read!

I have a few suggestions regarding spelling, punctuation, etc. They are as follows.

- LatelyI feel like I've been buying a lot of jeans.
*** Just need a space in between 'lately' and 'I'.

- You know when you try on jeans at the mall and there is a mirror in front of you and behind you.
*** I think there should be a question mark at the end of this sentence.

- Knowing this would be inexact, what are the odds that Cyntha would have the same social in every permeatition of reality, I started my search. And I was right. And now I feel sick.
*** I like this part but I think that it would be easier to follow the two seperate thoughts if you used dashes. For example,
~~Knowing this would be inexact, - what are the odds that Cyntha would have the same social in every permeation of reality? - I started my search.
*** You could even put the question in brackets, that would work as well. Also, the word 'permeatition' should be 'permeation'.

All in all, a very enjoyable read. Happy Writing!

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396
396
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya, I found this piece on the Shameless Plug Page.

I think this story has a lot of potential. You have captured the mindset of a teenager very well, her thoughts, reactions and speech are realistic for her age and upbringing. I like her friend Kaylie, though I think I would be a bit more suprised if I was in her situation. The introduction of Jesse was seamless and I like his personality so far. He is well rounded, which is nice to see. I think this piece will definitely appeal to young adults, it is realistic and believable for the most part, and makes the reader feel like their life can't be all that bad when compared to what these teenagers are facing. I like that you added some of Twyla's emotions in this chapter, it allows the reader to see that she isn't all bad and that what she does is instictive and necessary according to what she has become.

I have some suggestions, they are as follows.

- "Looks to me like I'm not the only one that doesn't want to watch what happened in the stock market in 1920 either," Mrs. Keif stands and looks around the room, stomps to the light switch and turns it on.
*** I believe this statement is made by Twyla but because the action that follows it is from Mrs. Keif it makes it seem like she is saying it. This could confuse some readers so I suggest to seperate the action and place it in a seperate paragraph.

- Your thin, nice rack, pretty face, blonde hair.
*** 'Your' should be 'you're'.

- You don't even want to know what most of the guys in this school say

what they'd like to do to you. And if I'm not mistaken you have a cell phone too."
*** This sentence is slightly off. I think you should omit the second 'what' directly before 'they'd', it is not needed. Also, there is a gap between the lines, which is more than likely just the formatting but caused me to stumble over this section.

- Yes freedom!
*** Should be a comma after 'Yes'.

- May I kiss you feet madame?"
*** Just a typo on 'your', missing the 'r'.

- ...victim of what ever beast is prowling the Downtown...
*** The word 'whatever' is one word.

- Were not quite sure what to make of this yet, but...
*** The word 'were' should be 'we're'.

- "Yeah that's bus riders for you."
*** Need a comma after 'Yeah'.

- now she's confused.
*** The word 'now' should be capitalized.

- Kylie's glow with excitement.
*** I think this was meant to be 'aglow' rather than 'glow'.

Feel free to let me know when you have edited this chapter, I would be more than happy to revise my rating according to the changes. As I said before, I think this novel in progress has a lot of potential. All the main elements of an intriguing story are there, for sure.

Happy Writing!

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397
397
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya. I found this piece to be an active read. You accomplished quite a bit in this chapter with the development of the girls personality. She kills without conscience, yet doesn't do hard drugs or drink, which shows conflicting emotions within her. The narrative tone of this piece is consistent, but I had a hard time pinpointing the age of the main character. At first I thought she was about 16 but then there is mention that she has an apartment for the things she finds. I normally find first person hard to follow but with this one I had no trouble at all. One suggestion I have is regarding her thoughts. For direct thoughts it is sometimes helpful to put them into italics, this can help the reader to anticipate direct thoughts vs. narrative.

I found a few errors regarding punctuation and have included suggestions below.

- ...quickly fade to wheezes and than no breath at all.
*** The word 'than' should be 'then'.

- "Excuse me ma'am. I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the vehicle, slowly."
*** Need a comma after 'me'.

- The officers eyes nearly exploding out of his skull.
*** This sentence feels a little bit off to me, the flow isn't there. I think if you rephrased slightly, it would help. For example,
~~The officers eyes threatened to explode out of his skull.

- I lunge at him. gripping his shoulders,...
*** The word 'gripping' should be capitalized.

- My hand grasps and soft leather pouch.
*** I think 'and' should be 'a'.

- ...plus I haven't searched you're whole vehicle."
*** The word 'you're' should be 'your'.

All in all, an interesting read. Happy Writing!

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398
398
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya!

I just love the characters in this story! They are so full of life, and I just adore the whitty thoughts. I find their thought processes and reactions to be very realistic, as well as entertaining.

I did notice some spots where the flow was off, as well as some punctuation and grammar issues, most of which I have included below for you. I do suggest, however, that you go through and edit for comma's. I found that most of the time I stumbled over a sentence, it could have been made clear with more punctuation. I didn't include many on comma's below, besides the ones I thought most important. I usually don't make an issue out of things like this, but I feel this novel has so much personality and humor and that some readers may not get the full effect if they are noticing punctuation etc., rather than situations and expressions. When I edit my own work, I find that reading it aloud helps with determining where comma's would be most useful. When I pause in speech, I add a comma, and most of the time it is fairly accurate.

- Not only had her brothers antics at the Hennessey wedding ruined their chances of a bonus and embarrassed them in front of half of the “Cheshire set” therefore, ruining their chance of 1000’s of pounds of potential future business, he now had to go and do this- what was wrong with him????
*** This sentence doesn't flow very well. By the time I got to the end I found I had lost the original point. I think that rewording it would cause you to lose the humor, however, so my suggestion is to change the punctuation to allow for pauses. For example,
~~Not only had her brothers antics at the Hennessey wedding ruined their chances of a bonus and embarassed them in front of half of the 'Cheshire set' - therefore, runing their chances of thousands of pounds of potential future business - he now had to go and do this! What was wrong with him?

- ...and Ellie was sat alone in the office she shared with her brother...
*** I think 'sitting' would flow better than 'sat'.

- The picture weren’t even the worst part.
*** The word 'picture' should be plural.

- That was strange…maybe he’d slept with her in the past and she was pissed off that he hadn’t remembered.
*** I stumbled over the last part of this sentence. I think you should flip the words about a little. For example,
~~That was strange...maybe he'd slept with her in the past that he hadn't remembered, and she was pissed off.

- “Hey, you’re that guy from OK Magazine”
*** Missing end punctuation before the quote marks.

- Several other customers turned to look at him as he smiled proudly and said loudly “yes that’s me, would you like an autograph?”
*** I have a few suggestions for this sentence. First, punctuation before the dialogue is needed and the 'yes' should be capitalized. Also, the words 'proudly' and 'loudly' seem like too many adverbs close together. Perhaps one or the other could be dropped, or reworded. For example,
~~Several other customers turned to look at him as he smiled proudly and said, "Yes, that's me. Would you like an autograph?"

- He turned around, looked at Eva and said “what?”
*** Need a comma after 'said' and 'what' should be capitalized.

- I thought that the exposure would get us loads of business and I’d be out of the dog house actually” he told...
*** Need punctuation at the end of the dialogue before the quotation marks.

- ...and buy as many of those magazines so other people can’t as possible” and with that she left the office slamming the door behind her.
*** I think 'as possible' would fit better after 'magazines' and end the sentence with 'so other people can't'.

- “No absolutely not!” “We will have the wedding in London and that is final.” Chloe’s mothered shouted whilst dramatically fanning herself with her handbag.
*** There is an extra set of quote marks, I think both sentences in the dialogue could be in the same quotation marks.

- ...ill-fated Okay Magazine article...
*** Just a quick observation, 'Okay Magazine' was 'OK Magazine' in the rest of this chapter.

All in all, I think you have a wonderful novel going! Oh, and I would be more than happy to revise my rating once you have edited. *Smile* Just let me know!

Happy Writing!

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399
399
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya!

I am already in love with these characters! The tone of the narrative is active and fun, and changes according to the point of view. All three characters so far have their own emotions and characteristics in patterns of thought, and I have to say, I love Ellie's attitude. She is strong and competent, as well she would need to be having a brother like Mike!

The only suggestion I have is regarding comma usage. There are several long sentences in this story, which is in keeping with the narrative tone, but I noticed that many of them could use some extra comma's to show pauses in speech. I have included a couple of examples below.

- Owing to his indiscretion, his fiancée (she always was a clever girl) called off the wedding and unceremoniously kicked him out of their brand new house which her daddy had bought them as a wedding present and out onto the street.
*** I think this sentence would flow easier if you added either dashes or comma's around the following section, 'which her daddy had bought them as a wedding present'. It would show that it is an extra thought so the reader doesn't lose the original subject of the sentence.

- Moving off into let’s face it the grandest toilet she’d ever seen, she stared at herself in the mirror and willed herself to be happy and have a good time.
*** I believe that adding a comma after 'into' would increase flow.

This was a very enjoyable read and if I had the book in my hand, I would keep on reading. Happy Writing!

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400
Review of Christine's Song  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!!

This piece has a definite charm all of its own. The plot line was different than the average story (well, what the authorities did anyway!) and I found it intriguing and satisfying to read. I like the narrative tone, it was like being told the story by someone who had seen it happen. The flow and sentence structure were steady and effortless to read.

I noticed a few things which I have listed below for you.

- Christine thought if she broadcast her song for entire town to hear...
*** Just missing the word 'the' between 'for' and 'entire'.

- ...removing her voice box so they she may never sing her song again.
*** I think the word 'they' is a typo, as it doesn't go with the sentence.

- ...brought together by the beauty in the song’s words bringing a peace not ever known to the people on earth.
*** This is pure opinion, but I think this sentence would flow easier if the word 'and' was put in between 'words' and 'bringing'.

A very enjoyable read.*Smile* Happy Writing!

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