\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joycampbell/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/18
Review Requests: OFF
2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 14 15 16 17 -18- 19 ... Next
426
426
Review of Paranoia  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hiya. I think this piece has a lot of potential. Your plot line is a great demonstration of how paranoia can affect someone. You have almost a poetic style of describing images and exploring inner emotions, and I think that allows the reader to actually 'feel' the piece.

I have a few suggestions for you as far as flow and punctuation. First, I noticed a few places where 'Stanley' is spelled differently. Sometimes, there is an 'e' between the 'l' and 'y', and sometimes there isn't. Also, I think that if you seperated the dialogue from the narrative and placed into seperate paragraphs, it would help the reader follow it a little easier. I noticed that you use semicolons quite often, and while they are often useful, they are also easy to overuse. I suggest to read through and seperate some of the longer sentences that use several comma's, as well as a semicolon, into shorter easier to follow sentences. One thing that I do when I am editing my own pieces is to read it aloud. Sometimes this can help with the pacing of the narrative, as well as indicate places where comma's are put to good use.

I have included some examples to explain these points below.

- In the third line there is a typo on 'Stanley'.

- Humans passed by in the masses, robotic complexities adorning the faces of each soul-starved one; their pupils heavy with disregard to everything other than would cause hindrance to their pace.
*** The second part of this sentence doesn't flow very well and I found I had to read it over a couple times to get the meaning. I would suggest to rephrase the second part a little. For example, their pupils heavy with disregard, ignoring anything that didn't hinder them directly. or, their pupils heavy with disregard, taking note only to what would cause hindrance to their pace. Or something along those lines, it was all I could come up with on the fly. *Smile*

- Stanley observed a group of humans clustered violently around a kebab shop, as a vile chef wearing a stained apron slowly cut the rotating meat slabs, Stanley couldn't help notice how the scene was similar to the hyena feeding frenzies featured on national geographic; only in this case the humans were even more so repulsive.
***This sentence is too long, it goes on for so long that I lost the point of it before I reached the end. My suggestion is that you seperate it into seperate sentences. For example, Stanley observed a group of humans clustered violently around a kebab shop as a vile chef, wearing a stained apron, slowly cut the rotating meat slabs. Stanley couldn't help notice how the scene was similar to Hyena feeding frenzies on 'National Geographic'. The only difference, in this case, was that the humans were even more repulsive. ~~The word 'so' after 'more' is an extra, and the National Geographic could be featured in quotation marks, as well as capital letters.

- Yet the cold, seemed to run up his sleeve,.....
*** I don't think the first comma is needed. For me it seemed to break the flow of the sentence.

All in all, I think this piece could be really great and that your style of writing compliments the subject very well. Feel free to let me know when you have edited and I would be more than happy to change my rating. I hope my comments have helped. *Smile* Happy Writing!!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
427
427
Review of A Cry  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, I really liked the plot line of this story, and I enjoyed your style of writing. First person is the hardest of the view points, at least for me, and you did well with it. The dialogue is very well done, and the thoughts of Lifa, and her reactions are very realistic considering her situation. Are you planning to extend this into a longer story? I think you have laid good ground work for a continued story, especially when you added the character of the man trying to save her. Having her think he was a monster was a good idea, I think, it showed how horrible her life must have been. Very intriguing story. I did notice a few things, which I have pointed out below with suggestions. All in all, an enjoyable read. You definitely did a good job creating suspense, as well as providing the reader with enough emotion to become attached to the story quickly.

- I fought back a loud shriek but failed somewhat when I whimpered instead. The monster sneered at me and I fought back the compulsion to spit in his devil face.
*** These two sentences both use 'I fought back' and because they are back to back, it feels a bit repetitive. I suggest to replace one with something that means the same; such as, 'I choked back' for the first sentence, or, 'I struggled with' for the second one.

- I would have loved a description of the monster, a little more than just his size.

- The monster sneered once more before turning and exiting the small room leaving me alone and bleeding.
*** I think that a comma after 'room' would increase the flow of this sentence.

- The voice sounded like it was in my ear, but at the same time it strangely sounded like it was shouted at me from three miles away.
*** This is pure opinion, but I think that saying from a distance would work better than 'three miles away' just because it allows the reader to make their own interpretation.

- I shrieked inside me.
*** I would suggest something that doesn't include needing the words 'I' and 'me' both in such a short sentence to improve the flow. For example, I shrieked inwardly, I shrieked mentally, etc.

- It was my savior as I stumbled into a meadow.
*** I stumbled here. I think you mean the light was her saviour but because it isn't a part of the previous paragraph, the subject of 'it' isn't clear.

- It hurt before it went numb like my right one.
*** I think the flow of this sentence could be improved by adding a little embellishment. It seems too simplistic to me to grant a clear picture of the pain, especially when the cause of the numbness leaves her without feeling in both hands.

Happy Writing!!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
428
428
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya. Another great chapter. The interview with Susan was well thought out and written. The girl's reactions were realistic and believable, and I could feel how hard it was on her to talk. Grace's reactions also, were well done. I like her personality, she is a real person and that is nice to see. Good to see you are introducing Connor early on, it will make for a stronger link between the two of them later on. Once again the writing was smooth and easy to lose myself in. I have pointed out a few sentences below that I have provided suggestions for. Hope it will help you out.

- Her body language letting Mr. Harris know that she was leaving it up to him.
*** This is personal opinion, but I think that you could use the word 'let' rather than 'letting' and achieve a smoother flow, while still retaining the same meaning.

- It was far enough away to not infringe on her personal space, but.....
*** I think switching the 'to not' to 'not to' would read easier, and again, retain the same meaning.

- She watched as Susan’s father reluctantly took his leave, with a last backward glance he said “I’ll be in my office if you need me.”
*** Just missing punctuation after 'he said', before the quotation mark.

- “No, I don’t”, Grace said, moving a little closer to Susan and placing a hand on hers.
*** The comma after the dialogue should be within the quotation mark.

- .....tone than she intended said, “It’s me, Cami”
*** Missing end punctuation inside the quotation marks.

All in all, another strong chapter. I can't wait to read more. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
429
429
Review of A Day Before Now.  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya. I think this is an intense piece with elements of interest to almost any reader. I like the way you used the opening lines of each paragraph, it gave the piece structure and a sense of 'beginning to end'. The first paragraph especially was wonderfully written with very nice flow, I was on the second paragraph before I even really knew what hit me. Great job on that. I also liked the 'sometimes, most times, and all times', very nice touch. The flow is very good throughout the piece, with only a few spots that I found myself stumble slightly. I have included these areas below for you to look over, as well as my suggestions.

To be completely honest, I normally don't review pieces labelled as 'other' simply because it intimidates me, and I just wanted to say that this time I am really glad I did. This piece left me feeling content, as though by reading it, I had somehow expressed some of what I feel without ever picking up a pen. Weird as that might sound! *Smile*

Suggestions:

- I see faces around me, those that I love and having that love unknown, unreturned, unseeing, unbelieving.
*** This line stumped me a little. The word 'having' made me think there should be a mention of what having these feelings unreturned would be in the way of emotion. Or, perhaps I am not getting the intended message of the line, but if felt unfinished to me. Perhaps a slight rewording, or even an addition or two would help that. I have written two here, just for examples.

~~I see faces around me of those I love, but it is unknown, unreturned, unseeing, unbelieving. or
~~ The faces of those I love surround me; unknown, unreturned, unseeing, unbelieving.

- Or could it be self-destruction.
***This sentence didn't seem to fit the flow of the piece, it feels like more of an actual question than rhetorical question. My suggestion is this,
~~Or perhaps, self-destruction.

- The infinite beauty touches my face and for the first time in feels-like centuries, I smile.
***I loved this sentence, the only thing that I think could strengthen it would be to add the word 'what' and a comma. For example,
~~The infinite beauty touches my face and for the first time, in what feels like centuries, I smile.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
430
430
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya again! You did a really great job on the edit, and I have revised my rating accordingly. I read through this time with ease, and I was right the first time, it was a great story. I have to be honest though, I enjoyed the characters so much that I would love to read this in a longer version if you ever decide to expand it. I did note two small things that I have commented on below, but other than that, all I have to say is that this is a very well written story!

- Jamison drove the Galaxy up the weedy gravel road passed the....
***Passed should be past.

- The thing hummed sweetly with him near, and I regarded it wary,....
***I think warily would work better than wary in this sentence.

Happy Writing!

AJ Lyle
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
431
431
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya. This was an enjoyable read. I found his thoughts, charmingly blunt, to be refreshing in their honesty. The narrative tone is fun, and made me smile. The main suggestion I have is that you read through looking for common typo's. I noted a few below, but noticed several times that the beginning of a sentence wasn't capitalized. Also, in the third paragraph, the first line has so many comma's that it messed with the flow a bit. Perhaps you could seperate it into two sentences, or perhaps use a semi colon or two.

- she looks content, grunting....
*** 'She' should be capitalized.

- ....there's no way he would know The dog....
*** Missed the period in between 'know' and 'The'.

- the dog can't manipulate him,....
*** The word 'the' should be capitalized.

I really enjoyed this piece and would be happy to re rate after you edit.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
432
432
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya. This is an excellent story, and you tell it well. My rating for this is based on typo and grammar errors, so when you edit let me know and I will re rate it. I think the story you have started has some real potential. The characters are wonderful, they are very believable, rounded characters and I felt attached to them quickly. It sounds as though you've done your homework on facts, which is nice to see. I started noting the typo's and have included some of them here, but I suggest a thorough reading of this to catch them all. Your hands must get typing too fast, a telling trait of almost all writers. *Smile* I look forward to reading more of this story, and seeing the relationships and plot grow.

- .....bleach-bloned behind the steering wheel.
*** Typo on bleach-blonde.

- since I was in the kindergarten.
*** The word 'the' is not needed.

- 'I was so tickled when I heard that your folds....
*** I think that folds should be 'folks'?

- Auriel liked to attach seasons and clors to people.
*** Typo on the word 'colors'.

- ....that wove passed a grove of ancient oaks,...
*** Passed should be 'past'.

-....football with Jamison sine elementary school.
***Typo on 'since'.

- Other students filed passed....
*** Passed should be 'past'.

- And speaking of molding Miss Racine, have you finished.....
*** There should be a comma after 'molding'.

- auriel declared, victoriously whipping
*** Auriel should be capitalized.

- ....echoed like a rapied heartbeat in a tin can....
***Typo on 'rapid'.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
433
433
Review of Click  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. The flow is wonderful, making the read effortless and enjoyable. To be honest, it didn't even feel like reading. The images you created were awesome, the descriptions vivid and real. I also enjoyed the character of Elliott, he felt like a real person, feeling real emotions, and as a result, so did I. A well told story, to be sure. I found a few things to comment on, they are as follows.

- ....too much too bear.
*** The second 'too' should be 'to'.

- Something it never seemed to anymore.
*** Need the word 'do' after 'to'.

- ...turning it on to and flipping....
*** The word 'to' doesn't fit here, probably a typo.

- As turned it on and flipped through the pictures.
*** I'm not sure about this sentence, it feels incomplete. It starts with 'as' which led me to believe that there should be more to it. Perhaps a rephrasing would help.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
434
434
Review of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya. This is a very expressive piece for how short it is. Very well done. I love the tone of this, it feels like someone is actually speaking, rather than reading. I enjoyed the content, as I have felt this way on several occasions, but never expressed it. It is a great statement to make, and I completely agree with what you are saying. I did notice a few errors, they are as follows.

- "When did I become this person? and when did this become my life?"
*** The second question should be capitalized.

- "When did they leave? and why did they go?"
*** Again, the second sentence should be capitalized.

***This is pure opinion, but instead of using quotations, you could use italics. I think it may make it seem a little more dramatic. All in all, I really enjoyed this, it is inspirational and motivating. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
435
435
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya. This was a good read. I think that the dialogue and flow would be about right for the age group in which you are targeting, as well as for adults obviously, because I thoroughly enjoyed it. One thing that I noticed was that a lot of the dialogue is missing punctuation within the quotation marks, and a few times the punctuation was outside of the quotations, so you might want to clean that up a bit. Also, this is the same characters as "Invasion", but I noticed that the age of Johnny was different. In the other piece I am pretty sure he was about twelve, and Melanie was fourteen, but in this one he is nine. Perhaps I'm just losing it! Anyway, here are a few other things I noticed.

- “You spat on me...what? Who will know we are here?
***Just missing the end quotations on this bit of dialogue.

- Pausing to think for a while, he added “Well sometimes....
***You need some punctuation after the word added, I think a comma would do it.

- Looking at her pleadingly he finished “You have to help me”.
***Need punctuation after 'finished'.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
436
436
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya. Well, I can safely say that I cried. The song that this is based on is one of the few that have stuck with me, as I am sure this story will as well. What a great job on adding the details. I enjoyed the tone of the narrative, it made me feel as though I was 'watching' the events unfold. The flow of this piece is very good, making the read effortless, enjoyable and emotional. Overall, an excellent read. I did notice a few small mistakes, they are as follows.

- .....was a healthy and strong. A boy.
****You don't need the 'a' in this sentence.

- He hugged her tenderly with strength,.......
****I stumbled on this part a bit. I wonder if rewording it slightly would increase the flow.

- .... pulling out gorgeous black low cut strapless....
****I think you need an 'a' after the word 'out'. Also, I think a comma after 'black' would increase flow.

- ....scoop her up into his strong eyes.....
****I think you mean strong 'arms'.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
437
437
Review of LOTI: Preface  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya. I enjoyed reading this piece. I have always been intigued with Scotland, so I've read quite a few novels that have anything to do with it. I really think you have the accent down wonderfully. The speech rolls in a good pattern and is easy to follow. There are a few times when you use very short sentences, I think to make it seem more dramatic, but for me it took away from the flow more often than not. Remember though, it is only my opinion, and the author normally knows best! I am definitely interested in reading more of this, to see where it leads. I noticed a few things that I have commented on below.

- At the end of a long promontory projecting into the Sound of Raasay loomed a distant castle made of the black rocks of Trotternish Ridge.
***I stumbled over this sentence a bit, it seemed to go on too long. I suggest to reword one part, as follows.

- At the end of a long promontory which projected into the Sound of Raasay, loomed a distant castle made of the black rocks found at Trotternish Ridge.

- Thistles and Heather........
****Because you are referring to the plant, heather, I do not think it needs to be capitalized.

- He rested on hands and knees, sitting on his calves, head drooping, fighting nausea and a black curtain of unconsciousness, catching his breath in ragged gulps of air.
****I think you have put too many things into this sentence with the use of comma's. My suggestion is to break into more than one sentence for an easier rhythm.

- Norman stammered,
****This sentence just trailed off into nothing, I'm thinking it's a typo.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
438
438
Review of My eagle  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya. This is a very moving piece, and I enjoyed the read. The writing flows well, and the story is told with a comfortable narrative tone. Well done. I noticed a few things, they are listed below. Remember they are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

- There was also a shady and green storybook-like
****I don't think you need the word and here, I think a comma would increase flow rather than 'and'.

-....sitting closer and closer everyday ‘til he let me sit on the side of the chair, where he would perch sometimes, and.....
****The part, 'where he would perch sometimes' is a seperate thought from how close she can get to the eagle. I suggest using a dash to seperate it, rather than comma's. For example:

-....sitting closer and closer everyday ‘til he let me sit on the side of the chair - where he would perch sometimes - and.....

- .....get him uncomfortable enough to flap a feet onto the ground.
***I stumbled on this sentence, I think you mean:

.....get him uncomfortable enough to flap a few feet above the ground. ??

All in all, an enjoyable read. Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
439
439
Review of It could be  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, I enjoyed the subject of this poem. Emotion plays a large part in this piece, and it is ambiguous enough that it can mean many things to many different people. I have some suggestions, they are as follows. Remember, this is only my opinion, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

- We were so close, so bound, and ill never feel your breath on me
***This line doesn't make sense to me, the part 'ill never' confused me. Was 'ill' supposed to be 'will'?

- I look away, i've crossed the line
***Should be a capital 'I' on 'I've'.

- I do not write poetry very often, but I do love to read it, especially out loud. I found with this poem that the rhyming did not stay in the same pattern throughout, and whether you meant it to be that way or not, I'm not sure. I suggest to read it aloud, and see if the rhythm is what you intended it to be, as well as the rhyme.

- I very much enjoyed the following line:

Another day, a different place, reality

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
440
440
Review of Utopia  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hiya. You have a very smooth style of writing that carries the reader through the words with ease. I like the concept of this piece, it has a whole lot of room for development, in just about any direction you chose. A solid start on a larger work, for sure. I have a few suggestions, they are as follows.

- I thought that had found the loop hole of devastation in....
*** I stumbled over this sentence, I believe there should be an 'I' after the word 'that'.

- ...of all the souls I had in my possession in exchange for me to regain redemption.
***I think you could simplify this sentence just slightly to improve the flow. For example:
....of all the souls I had in my possession in exchange for redemption.

- See Hell is was just another Heaven, a....
***I think there should be a comma after 'See'. Also, the word 'was' is not needed.

- ....and I can only conclude is that my past conduct created the flaw.
***The word 'is' is not needed.

I look forward to reading more. *Smile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
441
441
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya. I found this piece very thought provoking and an entertaining read. The narrative has a languid feel to it, almost as though the outcome is inevitable. The writing is smooth and compelling, and I found the emotions believable. The wife's lack of emotion when he came home was done nicely and provided a clear understanding of just how much she had put up with throughout his affairs. I enjoyed the fact that she didn't bait him, didn't offer anything in the note for him to pull justification from.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
442
442
Review of Stranger Boy  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Balloon*


Hiya. Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile* I enjoyed reading this poem. The lines flow well, and it contains a true meaning. Sometimes poetry can be so ambiguous that the meaning is unclear, but with this one that is not the case. I have a few suggestions, but keep in mind that poetry isn't one of my strong suits so feel free to disagree.

- my heart shal keep you a twinkle.
***Shal should be shall.

- from the harshest and the deserts.
***I stumbled on this line, I think it's the word 'and', it doesn't seem to fit. I wonder if 'of' would work?

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
443
443
Review of What is Beauty  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya! I think this piece has very good potential to be emotionally moving. The ambiance is wonderful. As I read it felt like I was truly reading words from the heart of a woman who is madly in love, and content with her life. I have noted below some areas that I feel could use some attention for miscellaneous reasons. I hope this helps you out, but remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

-In our last conversation you have asked what beauty is and what it means to me.
***I stumbled here a bit. I think you should omit the word 'have' in this sentence.

- I spent whole week walking trough the forests around La Fointaine and Awenda Park, taking pictures, thinking.
***I suggest to add 'a' before the word 'whole', or perhaps 'the' would work as well.

- ...when subtle balsamic fragrance of mushrooms, herbs, wild flowers and pine needles fill up the air just before sunset.
***I think fragrance(s) would work better here.

-.... when myriad of stars mirror in the black glistening waters of the lake.
***This sentence doesn't sound right to me, I think you need to say 'when myriad(s) of stars....' or perhaps, 'when a myriad of stars....'

- Soft mother's voice leads to the land of dreams, father's fishing rod, lie a magic wand" creates new adventures: .....
*** I think that you should rephraze the first few words to increase the flow. When I read this part, I didn't readily understand it. My suggestion: Mother's soft voice leads to the land of dreams, Father's fishing rod creates new adventures like a magic wand,.......

- ...fairies rides on birds,
***The word 'rides' doesn't need to be plural.

- ...each road show the way to the unknown territory....
***I think 'show' should be 'shows'.

You also referenced 'mother's soft voice' twice, I think maybe using something else for one of them would be a good idea. It could feel repetitive in a short piece.

Happy writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
444
444
Review of Baby Boys  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya! This piece was a good read. The twist on the end was a nice touch. I enjoyed the topic of this story, as I have often wondered about this type of thing before. I think you did a good job packing the emotions of the mother into this piece without unnecessary details. I only noticed one spot that didn't flow that well for me, it is as follows.

- But Gabe looked at Margaret hard and sadly.
***I think this statement is a touch too simple and would have a better impact if you embellished on it a bit.

Remember, this is only my opinion, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
445
445
Review of Compu-speak  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, this was an enjoyable story. I always wondered what went on behind the scenes! I had fun with the different attitudes and accents of the electronics, it was very entertaining. I found the writing flowed well, and the use of the prompt words was creative. Also, the use of italics for the electronics made the change between them and the human easy to follow. I noticed a couple things as I read through, I have noted them below.

- A delicate British voice chimes back “Just....
***Missed the punctuation before the start of dialogue.

- There was a bit of going back and forth between the spelling of Peuter, in some places it was Pewter.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
446
446
Review of Darksome  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! I really enjoyed this! The writing flows well, carrying the reader on. The story line is intriguing, and I found myself disappointed when it trailed off. *Smile* So often, fantasy and science fiction authors are too ambiguous regarding talismans and items of that nature. I found that in this case there were enough clues and details to eliminate confusion. For me, at least! I also wanted to say that I liked the names of the characters, different but not hard. I noticed a few spots for which I have suggestions, they are as follows.

- The first thing I want to mention is that you use the word 'small' to refer to the medallion three times within the first few paragraphs. Perhaps to reduce the risk of being repetitious you could use another word that means the same for one of them.

- A conceited bunch, Melbus thought.
***I think you could increase the impact of this thought with a word to describe the nature of the thought. For example, bitter, sarcastic, etc.

Remember, these are only my opinions so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

I look forward to reading more!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
447
447
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, again!

This story was a well written romantic tragedy. I can definitely see how two older people would want to stay and die where they lived their lives together. The dialogue between the characters was believable, though I think some extra description of their reactions to each others words would be nice. Your writing flows well, and carried me through the story with ease. There was only one spot where I stumbled over the wording just slightly. It is as follows.

You wrote:

Jack looked at Coraline, deep into her eyes. “You are sure that you want to stay here? You wouldn’t rather see this new place, this X-7?”

My suggestions:

Jack looked deeply into Coraline's eyes. "Are you sure you want to stay here? Wouldn't you rather see this new place, this X-7?"

Also, when Coraline replies she says 'Yes, Jack'. At first I was confused at her response because the second question was the one fresh in my mind. You could perhaps have her say 'I'm sure, Jack.' in order to insure understanding. Remember, this is only my opinion so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
448
448
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! I very seldom write poems, but I love to read them. I found this piece to be very well written. I enjoy this type of poem, it is a touch ambiguous and allows the reader to experience it on a personal level according to their own lives. The rhythm flows well, even when read out loud, and the rhyming is flawless. The only thing I wonder about is your use of ellipses throughout. All in all, an enjoyable read!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
449
449
Review of An Autumn Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! This piece was very enjoyable and left me with a feeling of calm and happiness for the characters. The writing flows smoothly, pulling the reader through the story with ease. Also, the type of speech used in the first part was done very well, which can be a huge challenge when dealing with thee's and thou's. Very well done.

I found only one spot with a typo, otherwise I didn't notice any errors, or anything that I would change. *Smile*

He felt as if the hung a few feet above the ground.
***Small typo here, I think the should be they.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
450
450
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya Zoe! I enjoyed these two chapters. Each chapter ended with a nice hook, and since that's part of what keeps the reader going, it is a very important part when working on a novel. Well done. I noticed a few things that I have commented on below, typo's and the like, but I also wanted to comment on the punctuation slightly. There were a few times when you ended a dialogue sentence with no punctuation other than the quotation marks, so I would suggest to go through and correct those.

- My harsh breathes.....
**Spelling error, should be 'breaths'.

- I didn’t know how long.....
**At first I thought this should be 'don't' rather than 'didn't' but as I went over it again, it made sense. The only reason I comment on this is because it may confuse your reader the same way it did me. My suggestion is to reword it slightly to reduce the chance of this happening.

- I soon after fell my knees...
**Easy fix on this one, just need the word 'to' between fell and my.

- If I knew in my life of what would come with my age, I’d have stayed a slave forever.
**Not sure on this one, but it left me feeling a touch confused.

- Chocking back tears,.....
***Spelling error, should be 'choking'.

- That night, though, as I thought and wept on the fact that I had become nothing and would never be, my life changed. Because this man didn’t turn his nose up on me, or ask anymore questions.
***I am sorry for posting such a large section but I wanted to bring it to your attention. The content is great but the wording is a bit off. My suggestion:

That night, though, as I thought and wept on the fact that my life was meaningless and would never be worth anything, my life changed. It was because this man didn't turn his nose up at me, and he didn't ask any more questions.
****Remember, this is only my opinion, so feel free to disagree *Smile*

All in all, I think you have a great idea going here and I look forward to reading more!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
452 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 19 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joycampbell/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/18