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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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Review of A Woman Scorned  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*BalloonR*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*BalloonR*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, however, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

The opening paragraph set the scene, as well as the mood, very well and gave me a sense of foreboding with which to start the story. Well done. I had a clear visual of the area from the description and imagery used.

There were a range of emotions in this piece and I feel the narrative tone conveyed them very nicely. It was calm and regretful with an underlying sense of grief which allowed me to feel compassion for Jason. It was evident that when he committed the act it was out of love, and that it was after the fact when it became slightly selfish in nature.

I think his character was developed well, especially for the length of this story. Lily's personality was less developed but it was enough for me to get a sense of what her illness had done to her. It seemed to me that the illness changed her and the thirty years of feeling abandoned by her love had driven her spirit to the point of insanity almost. I found her character very intriguing.

The story unfolded really well. The suspense was built at a steady rate as it moved toward the climax. The moment of truth between them was intense and the dialogue flowed naturally making the situation believable. I think that is very important, especially when dealing with the supernatural as the reader tends to enter the story with the preconception that it is not real. The ability to make it seem real after that is what allows for the reader to have an emotional reaction to the piece.

I think the addition of the past situation at the end was a really nice touch. It gave me insight as to why he didn't keep his promise without affecting my view of Jason's character. Well done.

The title for this piece fits the content well.

Suggestions

I didn't find any errors in the way of punctuation, grammar or spelling. I do not have any suggestions for improvement.*Thumbsup*

Overall

A very well written, intense piece. The emotion conveyed through the narrative and internal thoughts of the characters enhanced my understanding of the situation and characters and when combined with the constant, emotional tone of the narrative and natural dialogue, it produced an engaging and enjoyable read.

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun Author IconMail Icon


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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Basic"Blue" Prompt
Title Prompt
"My Best Friends: Pen and Paper"


The narrative tone of this piece was soft with a great sense of joyful reminiscence and reflected the content very well. Combined with the flowing sentence structure it allowed me to move through the read with ease. Very well done.

The structure of the piece was consistent and moved along at a nice rate. It flowed continually onward and allowed for me to follow the content easily and without any confusion. I believe this also had quite a bit of impact on the meaning behind the words and how they affected me because I was able to concentrate on the content rather than inconsistencies within the piece. Very nice.

The use of imagery was laced throughout nicely and granted me a deeper understanding of the idea being expressed. One such area really stood out and spoke to me, it is as follows.

My friends remind me that there are those who cannot see this world; they know I love the sight of the sun, the moon, misty mountains and tranquil lakes, and the deep blue of the ocean.

It was easy to see that this prompt spoke to you and the result was a fantastic read. You captured the essence of a writers love for expressing themselves in a way that I am sure all writers will appreciate.


Prompt Relevance

Word limit for Basic Level - 1010

The word limit of this piece is well within these restrictions.*Thumbsup*

The prompt was a Title Prompt and this was followed within the piece, though the main title of the item states 'Pen and Pencil' rather than 'Pen and Paper'. I suggest that you change this before the contest closes as it may affect the judging.

Suggestions

I found no errors in punctuation, grammar or spelling. *Thumbsup*

Overall

This was a nicely written, inspirational espression of why pen and paper are so important to a writer and shows well the connection the writing gives us to our own lives, and the world around us. I enjoyed the read very much.

Happy Writing!

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Review of Brown Eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, bamed Author Icon!

You were kind enough to stop by my port with a review and I wanted to return the favor. I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. Please remember that my comments are my own opinion and as such, you have every right to agree. *Smile*

The opening paragraph was nicely done and captured my interest easily. It starts in the midst of a conflict which is always a good, active way to intrigue the reader and pull them in for the story.

The structure of this piece was good, as well. I felt it unfolded in a timely manner without any dull areas of exposition to bore the reader. The information given regarding them was interspersed nicely thoughout the dialogue between father and future daughter.

The dialogue between the two was worded with realism and I felt that I could follow their conversation easily. The internal dialogue of the father was convincing and showed the reader well how his mind worked through his decision. I believe his reaction was believable and allowed for a dramatic ending.

I was left feeling sad for the girl and also found myself reflective, wondering what I would do if I was in the same type of situation. Good job.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...was starting to have its toll on his daughter
I think 'starting to take its toll' would create a smoother flow for this sentence.

*Bullet* And he's been stressed and cranky.
The word 'he's' takes this put of tense when compared to the narative surrounding it. To remain in the same tense say, 'He had been stressed and cranky.'

*Bullet* And he's been stressed and cranky. More likely to yell at her to get out of the way than to pick her up and...
The flow was staggered here for me, consider putting the two sentences together. For example,

He had been stressed and cranky lately, and more likely to yell at her to get out of the way...'

*Bullet* But he can't take today off.
This sentence ins out of tense. Consider saying 'But he couldn't take today off.'

*Bullet*I have one last suggestion. Consider limiting the amount you use the exclamation mark. It tends to become overly repetitious when used often and is most often used when it isn't necessary. Try to use it only when yelling or extremely excited. It may help the flow of the dialogue. Just something for you to consider.

*Star*Overall*Star*

I enjoyed this piece. I found it to be well written and thought provoking. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Just call me Omni Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Wow, what an essay! This was a thought provoking piece, in more ways than one. First, I will comment on the technical aspects.

The structure of this piece was constant and well laid out. It began out slow and steady, first giving pure facts and questioning the reader along the way. Each case presented was a bit worse than the last, allowing the reader to reach their decision with the help of facts and emotion mixed together. Very nice. I like this because it doesn't bombard the reader with either one, but rather allows the reader to see both aspects simultaneously.

I could sense the emotions of the author behind the words but it wasn't until hearing the personal story that they became obvious. I think this is important when addressing issues such as these because most readers respond to emotion with emotion and a subject such as this also requires clear reasoning in order to give it the attention it deserves. The sentence structure and choice of wording was very good and the parafraphs transitioned with ease, allowing for a very smooth read. I also think giving actual percentages and statistics definitely added to the understanding of this piece. It is easy to say 'many' without the reader actually grasping just how many. Very well done.

My personal opinion on this subject is simple: child molestors and rapists absolutely do not serve enough time for their crimes, nor do they suffer even a single percent as much as the victims do. As you pointed out, the psychological repercussions of being abused are huge and last a lifetime, while the molestor loses only a couple years of their time and none of their drive to perform the acts again.

Several months ago a friend of mine came forward about being molested as a child. At the time I gathered resources for her in order to study the process. I researched everything from statistics, to interviews with repeat offenders and the side effects for the victim. In one such interview a 'reformed' sexual predator stated that he had not committed a crime against a child since leaving prison over 20 years prior, but that a day didn't go by that he didn't think about it and have to make the conscious decision not to. This told me it is something that cannot be cured and must instead be controlled. I do not think our justice system even begins to scratch the surface of what these predators should have to suffer, yet I can't say that any punishment would be stiff enough.

I don't know how to stop this from happening, or how to make their punishments harsher, but as a parent I do everything in my power to keep my children away from situations in which this sort of thing could happen. I don't pretend that I can protect them every second, however, and freely admit that it is a constant worry for me. I do not allow my daughter to dress in anything that is not age appropriate and at nine years of age, she knows exactly why. I believe we must inform our children of the reality so they may also protect themselves.

You have done an amazing thing by writing this piece and sharing it with others. It is a step in the direction of prevention, and will make parents more aware until a time comes when our voices are heard.

Suggestions

Absolutely none. This was a wonderfully delivered essay. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a compelling, emotional and yet logical look at a very important question facing the world. I believe it will promote awareness of the issue and I commend you for your ability to share it.

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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Review of Falling Slowly  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Average "Blue" Prompt
Picture Prompt


Prompt Relevance

This was a really interesting response to the prompt! It is far different than anything I would have thought of and that is definitely a good thing! I think you represented the prompt well in this piece. *Smile* It was also well within the allowable word limit.

Strengths

The tone of the narrative in this piece was very relaxing, it gave me the sense of being hypnotized. I think this worked well given the fact she was being lulled by the embrace of the ocean. Well done.

The flow of the narrative was smooth, the sentence structure was fairly consistent, and the wording was descriptive and detailed. I was able to produce a visual of her, floating downward through the water easily. Which, combined with the sensation of an emotional void, produced a vivid experience.

The structure of the piece as a whole was good. It moved along at a good rate and I found I was kept interested throughout.

I found the ending to be realistic and left me feeling content.


Suggestions

*Bullet*She broke through the water as a graceful...
Consider adding 'the surface of' before 'the water'. I think this would make it more obvious that she was falling right away. I think it would make the opening more dramatic to entice the reader.

*Bullet*I noticed a reptetitive use of the word 'now'. Consider reducing the need for the word by using different wording every so often.

*Bullet*The only other comment I have is to look at the first word of your sentences. It is often the same word 'She' or 'The'. Consider changing it up a bit to produce more unique starters. This can hold the readers attention in a vivid way by exercising their own creativity.

Overall

I enjoyed this piece. You made very creative use of the prompt to produce a vividly detailed piece with strong narrative. Good luck with the contest!

Happy Writing!

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Review of Dream Lover  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Just call me Omni Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The opening of this piece was intense and absolutely drew me in for the read. I couldn't have quit reading after that scene, even had I wanted to. The use of wording and sentence structure made it feel sensual and eery all at the same time. Nicely done.

The tone of the narrative, after the opening part in italics, started out clear and consistent. It was obvious she was an average girl with average dreams. Then, as the story moved along it took on a cloudy tone, akin to a shadow forever closing in more tightly; dark, mysterious, and yet wondrous. I felt almost the same as Marie as I read, freaked out but impossibly drawn to know what was going to happen. Her change was gradual each time he visited her, and done in a believable way.

You did a very nice job describing Marie's reactions and emotions as the story progressed, as her addiction became more powerful. I could really sense what she was feeling.

The poem intersperced between the sections was a neat idea and enhanced the read. It flowed well and was in keeping with the content, taking it that extra step further each time. The structure of this piece was really effective. I liked how it moved along. Each section became more intense and as Marie began to lose her mind it was clear to the reader. The sensations she felt were well explained and believable.

The story line itself was very intriguing. You stated at the end this would turn into a novel. Is that plan still underway? It would be very interesting to know the back story of these two, to understand what happened to Michael. It doesn't really say outright what he was, though the insinuation was clear.

There would really be so many options with this piece. You left so many things open, without saying anything outright. Very well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...entire act in less then two minutes.
The word 'then' should be 'than'.

Other than this one thing I found no errors in punctuation, grammar or spelling. Great work. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a dark, sensual, and compelling read. I would love to know more about these two and how it all began.

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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Review of Spellweaver  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Just call me Omni Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, what a great introductory paragraph! The fact that she asked 'what do I have to lose?' was enough to intrigue me all in itself, but there was also a sense of anticipation and a touch of fear. A great combination to interest the reader into reading on. Nice.

The tone of the narrative spoke volumes to me. The formation of her thoughts, and the way she felt showed me her age group because it was reminiscent of the way a teenager speaks and acts. It effectively established the mood of the piece, as well as lured the reader into soft thoughts toward her. I wanted for her to find happiness, and yet as a writer, I was fairly sure something would happen. I was wondering how you would wrap it up so quickly, and now, I'm sitting here shaking my head because I didn't see it coming. The twist on the end was really well done. I was suprised at the finality of it. I guess she had more to lose than she realized. *Smile*

The quick bit of dialogue was nicely done. It flowed naturally and was in keeping with the characters age group in the way of speech and content.

The sentence structure was smooth and I read through the piece with ease. Though this was a quick read, it was very effective.

The title fits the content well.

Suggestions

*Bullet* "Bring him to me, my secret lover" she said as...
I have two quick suggestions on this one. First, there needs to be punctuation before the end quote mark, also, consider rephrasing slightly. The first time I read this, it seemed like she was speaking to her secret lover. Perhaps interjecting 'she said' in the middle of the two sentences would break it up enough to make the second part a wistful calling. For example, '"Bring him to me," she said as she jumped into her bed. "My secret lover."'

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed this read. It was a fairly quick piece but all the elements needed were there and it was very effective in maintaining my interest. It flowed well from beginning to end and was an ending I'm sure I won't soon forget. Nicely done.

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Sherri! It looks like we are at an end to my onslaught of reviews. *Sad* I am sure, however, that I will be back from time to time to pester you. *Wink* *Bigsmile*

I am honored to provide you with my reactions and suggestions for this piece. Please always remember that these are my personal opinions and as such, you have every right to disagree. *Smile*

This poem is quite unlike anything I have read in a long time, and believe me when I say, that is a very good thing. When I first glanced at the entirety of it I expected it to be repetitious in delivery from the constant use of questions, but I have to say, each question was so unique and meaningful that it didn't feel overdone in the slightest.

I think the thing I liked the best about this piece was the fact that each question had a purpose, a specific area of love that it was addressing, each one completely different from the last. You addressed many issues with this piece, such as, want, desire, faithfulness, even possession vs. the sense of obtaining and holding. The third stanza stood out for me, as it questions the ability to love without obsession, to hold without needing to possess. Such simple questions mean so much when a person stops to think about it, to absorb not just the words, but the motivation behind them.

The flow of the piece was fluid. I was like a feather floating on the wind as I read through, drifting from stanza to stanza effortlessly. For the most part each line ends with the word 'me' so it was hard to tell if there was a rhyming pattern, however, I noticed each stanza had its own pattern and that the last one seemed to combine the two. Very nice.

Suggestions

I have no suggestions for this piece. I absolutely loved it. *Bigsmile* *Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall*Star*

A wonderfully fluid, captivating, meaningful and emotional poem. *Smile*

Happy Writing, my dear!


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Review of The Moon's Child  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Laura.s Author Icon! Welcome to WDC, I am sure you will enjoy your time here! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions to this piece, but please keep in mind that these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

The narrative tone in this piece was very nicely done. There was a soft, dream-like feel to it in the beginning, which changed only slightly when she became excited about seeing her mother. When she started to run I could feel her anticipation, very nicely worded and easy to visualize. *Smile*

The descriptions in this piece are very detailed and for the most part they are vivid, increasing the visual perception of the events and enhancing the story, as well as the experience for the reader. I liked your choice of wording, you have a solid talent for imagery, for sure. *Thumbsup*

There is very little dialogue between the two, but what there was felt realistic and flowed naturally. I think this is a very important part of creating solid characters. The reader must believe they are real on some level to experience the read effectively. Very nicely done.

As far as story line structure goes, I felt that this was incomplete. There was a vivid introduction of her surroundings, followed by an emotional response to seeing her mother, but then her mother ended up leaving again. We did get to see that her mother isn't just your average mother, but I feel that there were a lot of questions left unanswered. You should really consider expanding this, it definitely has the potential to be a much longer, involved and intriguing story. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*...gave way as I weaved my way through them.
The word 'them' should be 'it', unless you change the preceding to 'blades of grass' rather than just 'grass'. Also, 'weaved' could be replaced with 'wove'.

*Bullet*Just a quick suggestion, consider taking out the semicolon in the first sentence and replacing with a full stop. I think it would add intensity to the statement.

*Bullet*Now deep in the woods I wondered,...
The word 'wondered' should be 'wandered'.

*Bullet*...in a steady click-click rhythem.
There is a spelling error on 'rhythm', it shouldn't contain an 'e'.

*Bullet*...the tiny noise as the clock hands moved passed one another...
The word 'passed' should be 'past'.

*Bullet* Her pretty windswept, silver hair caressed...
I believe there should be a comma after 'pretty'.

*Bullet* I nodded although I disagreed.
Need a comma after 'nodded' and consider using 'even though'. Also, this sentence should be the start of a new paragraph.

*Bullet*...she faded leaving her form in return for the moon.
There should be a comma after 'faded', but also, the second part of this doesn't quite make sense the way I think you intended it. Consider re-wording just slightly. For example, ...she faded, leaving her form behind in exchange for the moon.

Overall

I enjoyed reading this. I found the descriptions to be vivid and the emotional references led me into this story very nicely. The quality of the writing is very good and I would love to see this expanded into a longer piece. There is a ton of potential in this piece, just waiting to be unleashed. *Thumbsup*

Happy Writing!

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310
310
Review of Busted  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Pepper Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, this was a priceless story! I haven't laughed so much in a good long while, I tell you! I can't get over how very realistic this was. As I read through I was reminded of how many times something like this (though being arrested was never part of it*Wink*) has happened to me with my husband. It seems that whenever I know I've done something wrong and will be on the recieving end of his anger, something drops from the sky to save the situation and allow the situation to be reversed. Too funny.

The structure of this piece was really good. The story unfolded smoothly, moving along with the use of active narrative and amusing, realistic dialogue to reach the climax and then wind down for a suprisingly satisfying conclusion. The ending statement left me smiling, for sure. It couldn't have worked out better for her to have the last word.

I enjoyed the tone of the narrative immensely. It came across in a conversational way, making me feel like I was on the inside, watching the situation unfold. The reader was privy to Jenny's thoughts, most of which were so realistic that I couldn't help from laughing out loud. The character development of Jenny was quite thorough for such a short piece. I think this really strengthened the piece as a whole because it allowed me to feel like I got to know her through her reactions. I could also relate to her character on almost every level, which was really nice as well. I didn't have to imagine myself in her shoes and wonder if I would feel the same, I already knew from experiencing similar situations.

The dialogue between Jenny and Mitch was natural and flowed well. I had no trouble hearing their conversation or seeing their expressions as it played out. The writing allowed me to be there and witness it, very well done!

The title fits the content well in more than one respect. Nicely done.

Suggestions

None! I couldn't find any errors and I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very enjoyable, humorous read. I will definitely recommend this piece to others, and in fact, already have. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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311
311
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, SHERRI GIBSON Author Icon! I have come to visit your port with a review from the package which you submitted the winning bid for in the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. This is the second of five. *Smile*


This was a beautiful expression of true love. The flow of the sentences was very nice and each stanza transitioned into the next easily. This read out almost as a story, really, with a beginning, middle and end. I really enjoyed that because it gives the reader a better sense of the motivation behind the poem, as well as the content within.

I really got the feeling of soft reminiscence as I read this the first time. It makes me feel hopeful that I will one day look back and be able to say the same things about the love I experience.

The content seemed to build up from the first stanza, beginning with love, pure from stress. The second stanza indicates the sacrifices made to maintain and nurture that love. Many pieces boast true love with never showing the reader any reasoning behind it. It is easy to fall in love, not so easy to maintain that same love. The third stanza allows the reader to see that even though there were ups and downs, there was never any indication that either one would want to give up the fight. The last stanza sums up well how love grows and strengthens through each challenge, prospering in the light of God's blessings and becoming more resilient.

There is a pattern for the rhyming in this and as far as I can tell, the word choices all work very well. I enjoyed the sound of this piece as I read it aloud, the phrasing comes across smoothly without being repetitious.

Suggestions

I found no errors in punctuation, grammar or spelling, nor do I have any suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall*Star*

I really enjoyed reading this piece. It touched me on a personal level and made me feel more aware of the love I have in my life. It is a great message for anyone out there who might be struggling, thinking their love won't make it through. To me it says that love strengthens and solidifies over time if you are willing to sacrifice and experience life together. Thank you for sharing this poem. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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312
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Review of Where Evil Dwells  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, SHERRI GIBSON Author Icon! You were so very generous to bid on my package in the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window., thank you. This review is the first out of five that I will be sending your way.

I am honored to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, but please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree.


The opening paragraph was very well done to intrigue the reader and then pull him/her into the story. The narrative tone was compelling and mysterious, granting a sense of foreboding right from the start. Very nice. The chill factor in this piece was kept at a moderate level so that it didn't actually scare me, but I'm sure my kids would have a whole different point of view on that! *Wink* Doing this allowed for a full story to result, rather than just a small scene.

I think it added quite a twist to have the narrative coming from the perspective of a cat. Not just any cat, though, one who had been turned by the witches over a hundred years prior. It provided insight into the specific details of the setting and plot alike, which eliminated unanswered questions.

The thoughts of David were realistic and flowed quite naturally. I would expect after a hundred years that his humanity may have deminished a bit more, though I suppose it would depend on his habits, etc. He genuinely cared about the evil which was visited upon the children from these witches and it was evident from his actions, as well as his thoughts, that he suffered guilt from not being able to help them.

The witches were portrayed very well. Though I don't really recall there being a description of their features, my mind produced an image of them easily. I also think you did a good job explaining the action sequence when David spilled the brew and again when he managed to topple Tanisha and get the brew on the witches. I had no trouble at all envisioning the sequence of events.

The ending paragrah wrapped the story up well and tied off all loose ends with the burning of the house. A happily ever after ending, besides the fact that David and Polly would be forever haunted with the memories.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...and when she tilted her head to look at the sky, Her deep blue eyes mesmerized me.
The word 'her' after the comma is capitalized. I know sometimes this is done for emphasis, but because it is the only time it happens, I figured it's more likely a typo.

*Bullet*The child educated me in all of the things deprived of in my life as a feline,...
I wonder if adding 'I was' before 'deprived' would smooth the flow on this sentence.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A very well told tale. The story line was interesting, the narrative compelling and the ending was satisfying in the respect that good triumphed over evil. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Alone  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, WriterGirl!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The tone of this piece was set very well with the opening stanza. A sense of reflection and wishful thinking seemed to radiate off the words. I think this had a big impact on the mood of the entire piece. There didn't seem to be any anger, just the pain of loss. This was most evident in the ending stanza where it indicated the break up was not a mutual consent kind of thing, but that the other half just up and left.

The structure of this poem as far as story line goes was really good. It progressed in good order from memories of the past, which gave me a good sense of the kind of relationship it was, to the pain of the break up and then finished off with the sadness of being alone.

In the way of rhyming and syllable coutns, etc. I didn't notice anything consistent. That said, however, I think it worked extremely well that way. I really enjoyed the single lines throughout, they gave a good indication of breaks in the content, almost like a scene break, which really added to the constant flow of the piece. It made the transitions very smooth.

I found when I read this poem out loud it was even more effective in spurring an emotional reaction from me. Great work.

My favorite part:

A year ago
A rainbow of words between us
Everything and nothing in
endless time
Lost in ourselves

For me this part really stood out as being one of the major things one loses when they lose someone close to them. The joy of simply sharing each other. The wording was clear and effective.

Suggestions

My only suggestion is regarding punctuation. There is some used through out the piece, and I think it would be an even smoother read if this was to stay constant. There are a few places where a period would indicate the flow of the sentence had finished and the next was to begin. This is only a suggestion, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

An emotionally provoking piece of heartache and the struggle to continue on after losing someone so close to the heart. It really signifies the pain of loss, the sense of being completely alone. I found it to be a very enjoyable read. *Thumbsup*

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Sticktalker!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is an informative, well presented piece which explains the inner workings of a Copyright, what it means the the author, and what it means to the rest of the world. As I have seen through reading this article, it is not an easy process to prove a copyright.

When I fist clicked on this piece I thought to myself, "At least I know what a copyright is." Well, I may have understood the concept of a copyright, but as I have found out, I did not know what it meant to the author, let alone the legal system in which we reside.

As I said earlier, this article was well presented with plenty of resources for the reader to use as a reference, as well as specific examples to help the reader become more farmiliar with the idea.

The structure of the piece was very nice and easy to read through without stumbling, the flow was natural and believable, and the added points of reference will give the reader the chance to find out some answers for themselves.

I think the largest impact of this piece will be the effective learning tool it provides for writers out there who work hard on their writing and don't deserve to have to give it up, or heaven forbid, have someone steal it and sell it for themelves.

I especially liked how you asked the questions in the beginning, giving possible answers and then providing the answers of why they were incorrect assumptions. Very well done.

Suggestions

I have no suggestions for improvement. This is a very useful article. *Smile*

*Star*Overall*Star*

I found this to a thoroughly thought out, constructive and useful article. All writers, especially ones new to the legal aspects of writing, would benefit from reading this piece. Great work!

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sticktalker!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This piece was a cute story about two boys and how they deal with their fear of ghosts on the night before Halloween. I really enjoyed reading this.

The dialogue and speech patterns of the two young boys were very well done. The way they spoke was very much like what one would expect from their age group, and steered the reader towards the right frame of mind to appreciate the humor of the situation. There was a nice amount of suspense while they were at the cemetary to build up the climax when they were sure they saw a ghost.

This piece was written very much like a children's story and made a good point at the end, when the boy who was so sure ghosts didn't exist, was the one to run away when they encountered something at the cemetary.

Due to the tone of this piece, I once again enlisted the ears of my kids and read the story to them. They were enthralled during the telling of it, for sure. They giggled at the area where the boys were bantering back and forth, and responded with a gasp when 'something white' came out of the bushes. It was priceless.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Phil laughed to himself and thought as he stared walking to the gate,...
Just a typo on 'started'.

*Star*Overall*Star*

An enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing! Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, iva*mae!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


A very enjoyable story. The narrative tone set the mood of the piece very well. It was calm but with a gentle hint of mystery which kept me wondering what was going to happen. The type of speech used indicated this piece was set in the past, and the narrative was consistent with this. I very much enjoy the 'proper' speech patterns and found that you laced hints in through them very nicely. I was looking for them, but didn't find them all until the second read.

The ending paragraph left a smile on my face, though I know it is just a bit dark of me to have that type of response. I was content with knowing what I had thought would happen, did. The characters were built up nicely, especially Cassie. The narrative supplied the information the reader needed to be certain of her personality.

The character of Jake was limited, but that was a necessity for the piece to work out as it did. It wouldn't have been an effective twist on the end if the reader had inside knowledge of his intent and motives.

Using the time frame of three months with nothing happening was a good touch. It allowed the reader to become lulled into liking Jake, even though the indicators of time frame and circumstance hinted at suitable distrust.

The dialogue flowed very smoothly and was realistic to the time frame. I think the dialogue is what sold me on Jake's personality. His responses to Cassie seemed very genuine.

The story moved along nicely from beginning to end. I was kept intrigued throughout by the narrative and useful dialogue between the characters. Nicely done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*"Cicero! You get back here, do you hear?
Just missing the end quotation mark.

*Bullet*"I'm coming," she yelled She...
The period in between 'yelled' and 'She' is missing.


*Star*Overall*Star*

A very enjoyable story. The time period was explained well and felt natural to the flow of the story.

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Balloon*
!!

*Smile*Hiya, drboris! I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

The narrative tone was very good for setting the mood of this piece. It was evident right away that the men in the story were seasoned, which gives the reader an early indication of violence. The sentence structure played a big part in the tone as well, shorter sentences signaling a rise in tension. Very nice.

I enjoyed the dialogue between these characters. It flowed well, the wording was realistic considering the type of men they were and it came across as very natural. The dialogue was active and was definitely a key aspect of the story.

Which leads me to character development. I felt the characters were realistic in their actions and reactions. Thanks to the narrative, the reader understands their tempers will be short and their reasoning unsound due to the length of time they had been stranded on the small boat with no food. I think you depicted them well, and though there wasn't a whole lot of individual development, I don't think it was necessary for telling this. Good work.

The story line itself flowed extremely well. The flow was continuously active, leading the reader through the story easily and with plenty to keep them interested. I know I was eager to see how the scene played out, and I wasn't disappointed. The action between the characters was really well described and I found it easy to follow the sequence of their encounter, making it easy to create a visual of the scene. Nice!

The last line was great, indicating that they had, in fact, solved their problem of being saved all by themselves. Even if it wasn't exactly ideal. *Smile* A suitable ending.

The title of this piece was great, and after reading it I could see why you chose it, since the 'burden of command' was what started it all in the first place with Colin, or was at least his excuse for his actions. I also think it will draw attention and cause readers to want to read it, as it indicates the conflict.

Suggestions:

*Bullet* “NO” shouted Gary,...
Consider using an exclamation point after 'No' to emphisize that he is shouting. Or, simply add a comma if you don't like the exclamation mark. Some authors try not to use them, so completely up to you.

*Bullet*“You shot me”.
Just a typo here, the period should be inside the quotation marks.

*Bullet* “Are you f***ing crazy?
Just missing the quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

Overall

All in all, a very enjoyable read. Have a wonderful WDC Anniversary! *Smile*

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sticktalker!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone of this piece gave the impression of being told the story, very much like hearing it from a storyteller. I think it was a very effective method for this piece, as it gave it the feel of an old native story. Many times, my husbands mother has told me stories similar to this, of animals and their interaction with the tribes. This had the same type of feel to it. Well done.

The story line was interesting, and a tale I have never heard. It does have the same type of ring to it that one would expect from a native story as it is handed down through the people.

The structure of the piece was constant and flowed well. I didn't notice any areas where it lulled. It was actively told and kept me intrigued through the entire telling. I like how you provided a visual of the scene between the rabbit and the boy, switching from 'tell' to 'show' and back again smoothly. Very nice.

The sentence structure is reflective of the way the story would be told, as were the word choices. Lines such as 'ten hands of ten hands' provided a good showing of the type of speech one would expect from a native person at the time of the event.

There is a definitely moral within this story, to beware of what you promise without understanding the consequences as both the cottontail and the tribe found out, and as a result, suffered from this pact.

After reading this piece I chose to read it to my older children, aged nine and eleven. They enjoyed the story very much. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*The Wan-ee lands were not rich with the salmon that swam in the great river that ran through the willow and oak-covered fertile lands of the valley floor,...
This sentence felt awkward as I read it. I found I had to read it over twice to keep track of what it was saying. I think it is the use of 'that' twice so close together which threw it off for me. Consider taking out 'that ran through' and using an alternate way of describing the course of the river. Perhaps something like, '...that swam in the great river as it would its way through...'.

*Bullet*As soon as Father Sun had peeked over the tops of the great mountains this morning Waphoo had risen,...
The use of 'this morning' pulled this section out of tense with the preceeding sections. I think it could be removed without hampering the comprehension of the sentence. Something for you to think about.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A well written piece, relflective of the native culture and the ways in which they express their connection to the world around them. An enjoyable read, thank you for sharing it. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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319
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Hunter's Moon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was an interesting, creative twist on the Irish legend of the Tuatha De Danann. I have read quite a few books about them, so when I saw the title I just had to read it. Which shows, I suppose, how well the title works - at least for me.*Wink*

The narrative was objective as Kahnh watched on during the beginning of the battle, with detailed descriptions and enough information to keep the reader interested even without any prior knowledge of the legend. You did well adding your own interpretation of this, as well. It was highly entertaining. There was also an undertone of emotion from Kahnh, which set the mood very well as the story unfolded. It also allowed for some strong character development. The tone was consistent throughout and really added to the experience of the read.

The section of dialogue with Leperaugh allowed the reader to understand later on what kind of sacrifice Kahnh actually made when he helped Nauda, rather than doing as he had been told and doing nothing to interfere. Another area where character development was apparent. The dialogue itself was phrased well and flowed naturally.

The flow of the story was was smooth from beginning to end, there were no areas where I felt it staggered. It was consistent and moved at a good rate to hold my attention through the entire piece.

The descriptions were vivid and worded well for the most part. There were a couple places where I felt the wording was a bit off, but then, taking into account the word limit, there are bound to be areas like this. I am really quite suprised by the amount of detail you managed to get in without interrupting the flow of the story and still maintaining the count. Very well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...brilliance as it cut it way through the rising mist.
I think the second 'it' should be 'its'.

*Bullet*From the outside, his vantage point appeared to be a large outcrop of the granite that poked through the verdant land.
I stumbled on this sentence. I feel the meaning is a bit unclear. After reading it twice I could understand what you meant, but perhaps consider clarifying slightly. My suggestion would be to add a few words. For example,
~From the outside, his vantage point appeared to be a large outcrop of the same granite that poked its way up through the verdant land. This, of course, would also mean cutting words from somewhere else to maintain the count, so it may not be possible.

*Bullet*"Yes sir."
There should be a comma after 'Yes'.

*Bullet*...the Fir Bolg began to chant "Sreng, Sreng," naming...
There should be punctuation after 'chant'.

*Bullet*Time seemed to slow to a crawl as Naruda stopped...
There is a typo on 'Nauda' in this sentence.

*Bullet*He palmed the door, which dilated open appearing like a swirling rainbow.
I stumbled on this sentence. I wonder if adding a comma after 'open' would rectify this. Something to think about, at any rate.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A well told, tightly structured piece. It was an interesting take on the legends, and highly enjoyable. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Lest We Forget  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, iva*mae!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very well written story. The narrative tone of this piece was calm and descriptive, allowing the reader to experience the events from Tavnor's perspective as he watched those he loved, as well as his world, fade away. The sentence structure varied nicely, which helps the reader along by using different lengths to change the tone, and hence the mood.

Tavnor's character was well presented and believable. His thoughts gave his personal perpective, and demonstrated how gentle his personality was. He was portrayed as a gentle soul with an unshakeable faith in his God and this was supported by the way he acted with his children. Though they did not follow the type of lifestyle he wished, he allowed them to make their own decisions and held onto his faith that everything would turn out well. Very strong character development.

The descriptions were vividly worded to provide the reader a clear visual, both of the area and the features of the characters. I had no trouble maintaining a visual of the events in my mind as they transpired.

The way you presented this word was believable and realistic. I didn't find any indication of inconsistency in the plot line or the development of the world and traditions. I like that you provided a list at the end of the piece to indicate the meanings of the additional words. Though I do think they were presented within the piece well enough to make them believable and allow the reader to understand their meaning before hand.

The dialogue between the characters was very natural and expressive. I found it believable.

The title of this piece fits the content well. The last paragraph summed up the story well and allowed thoughtful reflection from the reader, and an understanding of why things turned out as they did.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...but I guess he had others to attend to more important."
I found I stumbled on the wording in this sentence. Consider adding 'who were' before 'more important'.

*Bullet*"I could also take private students father or teach music in school or even compose for Uigods choir.
Consider using comma's to break up this sentence a bit. It feels as though he is rambling without them. Also, there is a typo on 'Urgods'.

*Bullet*... what was formerly Liva.
There is a missing 'i' in 'Livia'.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. I would not hesitate to recommend this piece.

Happy Writing!

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Review of Martyr Chapter 3  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Bethany! I apologize for how long it took me to get to reviewing these chapters. I have been a bit busy the last few days. *Smile* I am glad to offer my suggestions, but remember they are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

Well, I think there has been fairly good progress on the story line in these two chapters. Quite a lot of time passed by, bringing them to summer vacation and meeting Chloe's family and friends. There have been a few indicators that Evie will not stay happy with the situation for long. Her attitude is good so far, but she is slightly volatile, so I think there will probably be a confrontation sooner or later.

The meeting of Roz was a nice touch, and gave me a little bit of hope for Evie to find some happiness, or at least have some fun that doesn't include Chloe or drinking. Of course, this also gives another potential for a bad situation. I think that's a good thing, there should be no lack of confrontations for you to keep the reader interested.

I am a little bit put off my Chloe's turn around in the car when they were heading to her parents. Her thoughts seemed a bit too scattered. Within the space of two sentences she went from being worried her parents wouldn't like Evie and would drive them apart, to being worried Evie would embarass her. It is realistic for her to think about both things, but I think telling the reader both things at the same time will be too much and seem inconsistent. Something to consider, at any rate. *Smile*

The dialogue flows well and has a realistic feel to it.

I caught a hint of something to come, regarding Evie's job, as well. Make sure you don't get so many subplots going that you can't keep up with them. Readers tend to prefer simple plots to plots they can't seem to follow or feel are realistic. Again, a point to consider.

Suggestions

CHAPTER FOUR

Try to limit the amount you use the word 'had' if at all possible. It tends to create a passive voice. If possible, take it out or reword slightly sometimes. For example,
*Bullet* After two weeks, my officemate had asked for a different place to go, and my advisor had given gave Chloe a part time job filing for the department...

*Bullet*...we sat up a Christmas tree...
I think 'set' would be the correct word for this sentence.

*Bullet*... in my twenty two years...
Numbers such as this should be combined with a hyphen *Right*twenty-two.

*Bullet*...plopped one on mine the second...
I think 'me' would flow smoother than 'mine'.

*Bullet*... word of my sentence came out squeaking.
Consider using 'as a squeak' rather than 'squeaking'. It would improve the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*She’d bought me a...
there is no need for the 'had' in this sentence.

*Bullet*... new coffee pot with its’ own...
Don't need the apostrophe at the end of 'its'.

*Bullet*...we spend hours making...
The word 'spend' should be 'spent'.

*Bullet*...and together we made turkey and every side we could think of.
To limit the use of the word 'and' consider using 'along with' before 'every side'.

*Bullet*...forced to filing a restraining order on...
To use 'filing' you need 'to' to be 'into', or you could say 'to file'.

*Bullet* It will fun, none-the-less,...
The word 'will' should be 'was'.

*Bullet*...the light out in beautiful patters all over the walls...
There is a typo on the word 'patterns'.

CHAPTER FIVE

*Bullet*...graduation night where for my high school...
The word 'where' should be 'there'.

*Bullet* The dark hair contrasted against her light features was gorgeous.
The word 'contrasted' should be 'contrasting'.

*Bullet*...going wonderfully Chloe.
Need a comma before 'Chloe'.

*Bullet* She smiled shyly and gave waved her tiny hand hello as...
The word 'gave' is out of place in this sentence.

*Bullet*Carolyn showed me the master suite, which had been the size of my entire apartment.
The word 'had been' do not fit with this sentence. Try 'was' instead.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, the plot line is progressing nicely, as well as the characters themselves. There is definitely room for quite a bit of development. I think after some editing it will flow smoothly and be a very enjoyable read. Happy Writing!

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Dreamin1!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is definitely a thought provoking piece. I believe you have presented this eternal question in a very realistic, open minded fashion. You have made reference to many different religious beliefs, from what I recognized as Catholic, to Atheism, to Prodistan. I believe you have provided the reader with very clear questions, ones which will undoubtedly spur deep thought and reflection.

I agree with you that this is a question we must answer for ourselves, regardless of religious background, or lack thereof. Like you explained, the Bible itself is completely open to personal interpretation, and has been 'interpretated' in so many different ways and by so many different view points that I believe there is no true answer to this question. Which, I believe, is one of the main ideas you were trying to get across.

The sentence structure in this piece suited the narrative tone very well. The tone of this piece helped to capture the essence, the question of what is truly correct when referencing right and wrong. I think the tone is also one of the things that makes this piece so intense. It challenges the reader to truly think about it, to challenge themselves to try and answer it. Many have tried, many believe they have succeeded, but in the scheme of things, we will never know.

I was captured by the first paragraph easily. The quality of the writing, combined with the narrative tone pulled me alond through the piece with ease. It was the type of read where I forgot I was actually reading. Very nice. You managed to convey the narrators emotions without pushing them on the reader, expressing belief without demanding the reader agree. I believe this will appeal to the reader. The reader agreeing with the narrator isn't the point of this, and that comes across very strongly. The ending statement was simply wonderful. It sums up the general idea, in a way the reader will understand.

Alright, enough rambling, I think! *Wink* Onto the suggestions...

Suggestions

*Bullet*...for any reason honorable?,It happens...
Just a misplaced comma after the question mark.

*Bullet*I have one technical suggestion. I noticed as I read, there is a tendency to use the word 'that' often. I think there are many places it could be removed to provide a smoother flow without changing the content. I have provided an example of one such place, below.
~Maybe they believe that Hell is a place that most people wouldn't want to be,...


*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, I think you have done a very nice job of expressing the philosophical question contained in this piece with an objective point of view, allowing the reader to decide for themselves. An extremely enjoyable, thought provoking read. Very well done!

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~AJ Lyle~

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Jasmine. You were kind enough to read and review my work, and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

Strengths

This piece has good potential. The ending hook is very nice, it leads the reader up to a revelation that will more than likely be devastating to Stacey, which will definitely make people want to continue on to the next chapter. Great job with that.

The character development of Stacey is moving along well. The dialogue allows the reader to see she is somewhat shallow, worrying whether she will turn into a nerd or not {which made me laugh!), and her thoughts show she is very concerned with what is cool and how her friends and others view her. For a first chapter, that is a great start. The first paragraph of the second section is well worded and structured, allowing for the reader to get a sense of how she is feeling. This is an important part of character development, as well as hooking the reader. Good job.

The tone of the narrative is good. The narrator is Stacey and the tone reflects her emotions and reactions, showing the reader what she sees and feels. You did good with the first person tense, it is a hard one to perfect because you cannot experience the other characters inner thoughts and have to rely solely on the narrator for information. I think you have done well writing it this way, it seems to be natural form for you. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*I am Stacey keemer, I am 16, have a gorg-boyfriend, blonde hair, blue eyes, big chest. am one of those sexy, popular girls who EVERYONE knows and loves.
This is a whole lot of information to impart in a quick list format. You want the introduction of the main character to be memorable for the reader. Consider expanding this first sentence, adding a bit more extra info and creating several sentences out of it. For an example, I have done this below. Remember though, this is straight off the top of my head, and as the author, you get to decide whether you agree or not!*Smile*
My name is Stacey Keemer. I'm sixteen years old with honey blonde hair, matching blue eyes and a creamy complexion. I'm one of those girls in school that everyone loves, with the added benefit of being well endowed, if you know what I mean, and the hottest guy I know as my boyfriend.
I know these facts may be different than what you imagine, but I added some to show you what I mean about additional info.

*Bullet*It is a good idea to place numbers in long format, for example, 3 years = three years.

*Bullet*3 years ago now, that it was nearly Mike, my boyfriend's 17th birthday party,...
This sentence is slightly confusing to me, was it Mike's 17th birthday when Stacey was 13? Also, try starting this sentence with, 'It was three years ago now,...'

*Bullet*It all started when Me and Mike went upstairs and had some fun!
I think you need to expand on this thought a bit. The sentence directly following this states she is walking home, later that night, so I don't really understand how it was the fun which started everything. Also, should be 'Mike and I'.

*Bullet* I did not know what happened, if it had not been for the sounds, I would not have known what happened.
Consider rephrazing this slightly. It sounds as though you are saying the same thing each time, though what I think you mean is if not for the sounds, you wouldn't have realized anything was wrong. Am I right?

*Bullet*Take a quick read through and look for the beginning words of new sentences. There are a few that aren't capitalized.

*Bullet*...stopped my thought in it's tracks.
The word 'it's' is referring to the thought so should be 'its'. The apostrophe is only needed if it could be replaced with 'it is' without changing the meaning.

*Bullet*A golden wolves head necklace.
This sentence feels awkward, like it would be hard to say out loud. Try 'A golden necklace in the shape of a wolf's head'.

*Bullet*I tried it on, and everything shot forward, and I felt a pulling sensation.
Try to reduce using the word 'and' in a sentence more than once. It tends to feel repetitive. You could rephraze slightly to reduce this need, for example, 'I tried it on and everything shot forward as pulling sensation came over me.

*Bullet*Not lieing on a metal table...
The word 'lieing' should be 'lying'.

*Bullet*...tomorrow at 1 oclock for lunch.
I suggest to word this as 'one o'clock'.

*Bullet*I wonder at Phillius' personality. Though I like how he acted at the end, I wonder at why he felt it necessary to kidnap her, then simply schedule a meeting at the Pizza Palace. It feels inconsistent. You may consider working that out a bit for the reader to understand it.

Overall

All in all, I think you have done pretty well with introducing the main character, as well as hooking the reader with a supernatural occurance. I enjoyed the character of Phillius, he seemed to be quite calm and in control of himself. Stacey comes across as a realistic sixteen year old and I'm sure young adult readers will appreciate that she acts like an average teenager. I believe this has good potential, and that with some diting, will be a great first chapter.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Down Home  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

This is a promising start to what appears to be a dramatic story. It is clear in the beginning that Jane has escaped a marriage to a man who abused her. The second section, a few months later, gives the impression that her and her daughter are having difficulty dealing with the after affects of such a horrible situation. I know from experience that this can be a very volatile situation, especially if the husband decides to make a reappearance.

The narrative is smooth for the most part, though I think you could consider using a bit more variety with sentence length. There is a tendency to use long sentences with a lot of comma's. Though this can create a soft, flowing tone to the writing, it can become tiresome for the reader as well. These types of sentences can be hard for the reader to follow. Does that make sense? I sure hope so! *Smile*

The dialogue between Jane and her daughter was realistic. I got a fairly good sense of Jane's personality through this chapter. She seems to be a hard working mother who would love nothing more than to have a calm, normal life. The character of the daughter was barely introduced so I don't feel that I can make any comments in that regard as of yet.

Definitely an intriguing start. Keep up the good work!

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...that housed The 1st savings bank of Milwaukee.
I think if this is a name of a bank that the words 'savings bank' should also be capitalized.

*Bullet*The second paragraph is all one sentence. Consider revising it into shorter sentences. The reason I suggest this is because I found I had to read it twice to get it all because I got side tracked with all the different thoughts at one time.

*Bullet*...and could not force herself eyes to nap while the sun was still up during the day.
There is an extra word in this sentence, I think it is 'eyes'.

*Bullet*Waking up gasping for the air she never could full let into her lungs.
The word 'full' should be 'fully'.

*Bullet*Jane Addison pulled her maroon ford pickup truck into the parking lot of the Salem Grade School parking lot amazingly as the release bell rang.
This sentence seems awkward. First, 'parking lot' is used twice, also, consider rewording slightly, refraining from the adverb 'amazingly'. For example, 'Jane Addison pulled her maroon ford pick-up truck into the parking lot of Salem Grade School just as the release bell rang. She was amazed at her luck.

*Bullet*...window and waived her over.
The word 'waived' should be 'waved'. Waived is used when 'waiving' a fine, or something of the like.


Overall

An interesting first chapter. I am interested to see where this story goes. *Smile*

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Old Warrior!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very productive chapter as far as information is concerned. My personal knowledge of the time frame they are referencing is very limited, so I am not sure if the facts are all 'factual' or whether they were fictionalized for the story. However, that said, I don't think it really matters. The point I am getting at is that you have used dialogue between the characters very well to help the reader understand the facts as they are explained. Considering my limited knowledge, I had no trouble following the conversation and understanding the information. I think this is very important to retain the readers interest, whether they are knowledgeable or not. Nicely done.

The narrative flowed very nicely and was easy to follow. The descriptions were vivid, and again, I have no knowledge of the area you are using, but I found I was able to create a visual in my minds eye with very little effort. Well done.

The dialogue between Monday, Daria and Henri was active and easy to follow. Their speech varied depending on the speaker, which makes it easy to distinguish between characters without extra narrative to explain this each time. Nice. Also, I found the way they spoke to be realistic and believable. I like the character Henri, he seems to be a very realistic character. He says what he thinks, without worrying about the consequences.

This story is getting deeper with the additional information and I think you are doing a very nice job of doing it smoothly, allowing the reader to follow the events with ease.

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Hi Henri.”
I think there should be a comma after 'Hi'.

*Bullet*“Vas is wuss?” Wuss my dear is a man who is no longer a man. A weakling, a groveling, a sniveling half man.”
There is a quotation mark in the midst of this dialogue that doesn't belong.

*Bullet* He laid the documents on the bar and scanning them.
Consider changing the word 'scanning' to 'scanned'. I believe it would be smoother.

*Bullet*“Yes we do but we need help following the clues that give the directions.”
Consider placing a comma after 'do'. I think it would provide a natural pause for smoother flow.

*Bullet*“Ach!” Let me see. “The notes make reference to several places and several people,”
As far as I can tell, 'Let me see' should be a part of the dialogue, but is cut off by quotation marks.

*Bullet*I remember now,” Monday cut in.
Just missing opening quotation mark.

*Star*Overall*Star*

An indepth chapter which moves the story along nicely. The characters and plot line are being developed at a realistic and enjoyable rate. Great work! *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


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