Hiya, Ashina ! Welcome to WDC!
I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
The story line in this piece was very interesting. The events and situations flowed well from one to the next, allowing a smooth story to unfold. The plot was inticate and involved. I see a wealth of potential in this piece.
I found the narrative to be a bit passive with the constant use of adverbs (happily, bitterly, badly, usually, likely, slowly, quickly, etc.) and quite a bit of 'was' and 'had been' sentences. If you could substitute these passive sentences with active narrative, it would take this piece to a whole new level, I'm sure.
The main character was well fleshed out through this. Not only does the reader discover what she had suffered during past while, but quite a bit about what kind of person she was through how she acted and reacted. Her inner strength was well represented through her desire to live and be free. I think adding some internal dialogue and main dialogue would go a long way in making her feel even more realistic for the reader.
As far as structure goes, consider taking some of the lengthier paragraphs and dividing them up a bit. Some readers can be daunted by such long pieces of exposition and choose not to continue simply because it seems like work. Adding some dialogue and active encounters would pull the reader through with less effort on their part.
Suggestions
Everything should’ve been different, nothing should’ve been what it is now.
Consider writing out these contractions. I think the statements would be much more effective with 'should have'.
Maybe if I actually use my brain, instead of my lust…, I could actually get out of here. Get away from here, yes, that sounded good.
The comma after the ellipsis is not needed. Also, this section seems to change tense between past and present. For example, 'use my brain' sets a present tense, while 'could' and 'sounded' are past tense. As far as I can tell, you use past tense for the majority of this piece, so you may want to smooth out the discrepancy to eliminate confusion for the reader.
You just can’t really see it as a door, more like a crawling door. A door you have to crawl through, so small.
The second sentence here is a little repetitive because it was already established that it was a 'crawling door'. You may consider a different term, however, to reduce the need to explain it. Consider something like, 'cubby hole'.
How bad was it going to get, the key must’ve been a sign, but I couldn’t figure it out fast enough.
I think the first part 'How bad was it going to get' should have a question mark. Then use 'The key' to start the next sentence.
What was that annoying sound coming from across the room.
I think this should have a question mark.
It kept me from my dreamless sleep, I longed for to last just a little longer.
Consider making this two seperate sentences. Or, perhaps a semicolon would suffice for a division between the two. Also, I think adding 'it' after 'for' would be appropriate.
Wincing I opened my eyes, rolling over, staring straight into his eyes.
This felt a bit packed together. Consider rephrazing slightly. For example, 'Wincing, I opened my eyes and rolled over. I found myself staring straight into his eyes.'
I gasped, this was the least I was expecting.
This is a passive statement. It is a great spot to throw in some punch by using more active verbs and cutting out the 'was'. Consider this, 'I gasped, stunned by the unexpected encounter.'
Door, left wall, a few meters away, but it will most likely be locked.
The word 'will' takes this into present tense. Consider using 'would' to maintain consistency.
There are many adverbs used in this piece. Believe me, I like my adverbs, but it is easy to overuse them and create a passive telling of a story, rather than a vivid experience for the reader. Consider going through this and looking for words that end with '-ly'. Challenge yourself to explain the sentence without using it, but instead replacing it with a more active verb. It can really make the difference for the reader when they are reading a story to be 'shown' what happens, allowing them to envision it, rather than just understand that something happened.
Consider adding some scenes into this of what happens. Develop the story through active dialogue and action, rather than just telling the reader what happened. The story line for this is very interesting and well planned out, and I think it could be a very compelling read if executed in a more active way.
In Conclusion
This story has some amazing potential. The plot line was involved and well thought out to be engaging for the reader, ripe with conflict and emotion. Adding some active scenes and the use of more active verbs would take this piece from good to great in a second. I really enjoyed reading from the perspective of the main character. I found her character to be believable and likeable.
If you decide to rework this piece, please feel free to let me know. I would love a chance to re-evaluate it.
Happy Writing!
~AJ
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