Hiya, Kris D'Amato !
This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing!
The narrative tone used in this piece supported Tommy's developing personality nicely. I found that the exposition reflected his view as a child, even going so far as to phrase sentences in the way that a child would think. I think this enhanced the realistic aspect of Tommy's character, as well as the believability of the story line. I truly felt as though I could see the world through his eyes.
The character development of Tommy was very well done. The way he transitioned from feeling picked on and angry, to realizing that he could do something about it was smooth and realistic. He put up with the boys' taunting and Aunt Hilda's ridiculous demands for quite a long time before the day she made him pray because he had received a D in Bible study. I couldn't help but shake my head at her, considering that her sons had done so poorly in every subject, and then she freaked out at his D. The way that he tried to defend himself showed that at that point, he was still willing to try and be what they wanted him to be. If she had shown him any affection, or feelings of goodwill, then her behavior might have been accepted by him. However, since she reacted in such an unreasonable way, she actually forced him over the edge of what he could tolerate. Nicely done. The viewpoint of religion in this piece was what I refer to as the 'hellfire and brimstone' approach. It shows the kind of God that condemns all sinners to eternal suffering. God was presented as vengeful, just as the Old Testament stated, rather than the loving God that Jesus' sacrifice created. I can see why this vision of God was unfavorable for Tommy, creating within him a cold hatred of those who believed it. Well done.
The section where he was testing the match powder after school began the process of showing how his mind descended into instability. There was a thought in italics that swam through his mind, of which he didn't even notice, but that was definitely not his own thought. It was actually a thought that spoke to him, showing the division in his mind that his Aunt created through her attack on him, using the Lord's name to do it. To be honest, the ending took me by surprise. Tommy continued to progress past hearing an objective voice, on through a complete withdraw from those around him. His mind became singular once again, but with an objective, calculating, and unfeeling aspect to it that allowed him to do what he did.
The use of Tommy's internal thoughts was a good way to allow the reader to see the world from his point of view. He showed quite a bit of his emotion through his thoughts, rather than showing anything to the outside world. Over the course of the story, he became more withdrawn emotionally, rarely allowing himself a reaction to what happened around him. The depth of his thoughts allowed him to hide any emotions he may have had. It was much like he viewed reactions as a weapon to be used against him, and I would have to say that considering the people he was surrounded by, he was correct in assuming that.
The ending section was an article from a newspaper and revealed some interesting details about Hilda's death. The very last part which indicated the note was a nice way to end this piece with a hook, leaving the reader with an eerie feeling which indicated that his confession was not the end. Very well done.
Suggestions
In the third section, the narrative was written from the perspective of Tommy, demonstrated by the use of words like 'dimwit' which place the reader in Tommy's frame of mind. Near the end of the section, however, it seems to switch over to Aunt Hilda, demonstrated by the line, 'She ought to beat the violent oaf to a pulp herself.' Consider revising this to maintain the same perspective in each section to prevent the reader from being pulled out of the story by the inconsistency.
I noticed that this happened a few times through the story, all when he was around Aunt Hilda. I realize that many people do this, but I find it quite distracting when I am reading for the cross over to happen without a scene break.
Watch for redundancy in dialogue. For instance, using italics and an exclamation point to show that someone is yelling, and then adding, 'she screamed' as a tag. The 'she screamed' is unnecessary because the reader has already been shown the type of speech used through the use of the exclamation and italics to give the line more punch.
The Dark Lord might as well bow down before her and kiss his own ass than she would accept defeat at his hands.
This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Consider something like, 'It was more likely that the Dark Lord would bow down before her and kiss his own ass, than she would accept defeat at his hands'.
When 'mom' is used as a direct address, it should be capitalized.
But his eyes would not close--he sees.
This is in the section of bold near the end. Since the section is written in present tense, the word 'would' should be 'will'.
There are a few areas where the passive voice is dominant within the narrative. Consider words like 'was' and 'had'. Using these words on a continual basis can lead to more telling than showing. I have found that omitting the 'had' and rewording the sentence with active past tense verbs can often increase the 'showing' aspect, thereby increasing the readers involvement and reaction. Some sentences, such as 'The spot where the truck usually was was vacant' could be made more active by simply changing two words. For example, consider the following:
The spot where the truck usually sat lay vacant.
The continual use of parenthesis threw me off a bit. I think this is a personal opinion thing, though. I find them distracting when I am reading. I think it would be much smoother to use hyphens, or even commas, rather than parenthesis. To be honest, some of the time, internal thoughts would have done just as nice a job of delivering the intended information. However, like I said, this is purely my own opinion.
In Conclusion
On the whole, this was really an amazing read. Considering the length of this piece, I found very few issues for which to make suggestions. My rating of this piece was something that gave me an issue. My personal enjoyment of this story was huge. I found that it affected me in several different ways, and was definitely a piece I won't soon forget. If you decide to revise this piece at all, please let me know. I would be more than happy to re-evaluate accordingly.
Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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