My Personal Impression
I liked the plot in this piece. While is seems to be a reoccurring theme, I really enjoy a budding romance between a vampire and a human. There are so many different possibilities for situations and conflict. The first paragraph gave a taste of tension and pulled me in for the read. Well done.
Tone/Mood/Tense/Point of View
The tone was a bit hard for me to pin down, but I think it was because the point of view changed around quite a bit. Consider adding a break line between the different perspectives to show the reader that a change is taking place. It can become confusing for the reader to switch back and forth too often, but when done in a smooth manner, it can also give so much more depth to the characters. I think it will enhance the connection between the reader and the characters well in the long run.
Setting & Imagery
The setting was a coffee shop that Lyrick likes to spend time in. I think you could increase the description of the coffee shop a bit. I don't feel like I could really see the interior, nor feel the atmosphere around her. It was explained as welcoming and quiet, but I didn't 'feel' it. You could increase the active voice a bit by showing a bit of her surroundings to enhance the effect. The imagery used of sounds and scents enhanced the scene well.
Plot & Characterization
The plot is just in the beginning stages, so I'm not sure that I can comment effectively on it just yet. I found the scenes progressed well through this chapter, but I do think you could spend a bit of time fleshing the scenes out just a bit to give the reader a bit more of an emotional connection to the characters. Don't get me wrong, they both come across pretty well, but I felt like I would have liked to hear their internal thoughts a bit regarding the world around them.
Lyrick came across as uncertain, lonely, and shy. Showing her past relationship allowed for the reader to see why she was withdrawn, and I found the reason very believable. The description of her was complete, and I had no trouble envisioning her in my mind.
The vampire she runs into in the shop comes across as sure of himself, yet hesitant. I found it attractive and endearing. I would love a more detailed description of him, though. Since Lyrick is watching him without trying to, it would be natural for her to comment on his looks in her thoughts. I think it would increase the tension between them when he stops her at the door. Something for you to think about.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.
But she knew what she had to do, gathering courage and holding it close to her as a child grasps its mother, Spotting the entrance...
These sentences don't quite flow together the way they are written. Consider restructuring them a bit to enhance the flow. For a quick example:
She gathered her courage and held it close, like a child grasping its mother. She knew what she had to do. Spotting the entrance...
she walked through the gates and up the stairs to face her destiny, even though her destiny only held death.
Consider revising this sentence to give it more punch. What it conveys is really great, and I think you could make it even more effective for the reader if it was a bit more blunt. For a quick example:
she strode through the gates and up the stairs to face her destiny -- death.
At least she would get one last chance to look upon her lovers face once more........
Using 'one last chance' and 'once more' is a bit repetitive. Consider eliminating one or the other. Also, when using ellipses, three periods is all that is necessary to keep it looking professional.
The Sun shown down brightly on the town...
The word 'Sun' doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, 'shown' should be 'shone'.
"Such beauty there is in this world, yet for the life of me, I can find no happiness in it." thought Lyrick,...
When a tag follows a line of dialogue or a thought, the period before the end quotation mark becomes a comma. One quick thought for you, though. Consider placing the thoughts in italics rather than quotation marks. Many readers become confused when they are written as dialogue. With italics, you would not need the quotation marks. For example:
Such beauty there is in this world, yet for the life of me, I can find no happiness in it, thought Lyrick.
To use italics, just type {i} before the words you want italicized, and then {/i} when you want them to stop.
There are several areas where a comma is used instead of a period to end a sentence. Just a simple typo, but it does confuse the reader for a second, so you may want to read through to look for those. Also, I found a few areas where the sentences were very long. While this isn't a bad thing, it created a bit of a 'and then... and then...' feel to it as I was reading. Consider breaking some of them up into shorter sentences to give the reader a bit more variety.
Throngs of tourists and residents pouring out of hotels and homes.
The use of the 'ing' on 'pouring' indicates that something else will be happening at the same time, but the something else doesn't come so the sentence tends to feel unfinished. Consider using 'poured' instead.
"Go ahead miss," a crackly voice said, Lyrick looked into the face of a very elderly man that had to be in his nineties, "Thank you so much, Sir." she replied, stepping into the dimly lit coffee shop, the savory aroma of fresh brewed coffee and the sweet smell of the various cakes and cookies filling her nostrils, she breathed deep and let out a sigh of contentment.
This section was a little bit hard for me to understand the first time I read through. I think it is because it seems as though it is one long sentence. When there are two different speakers, the dialogue for each speaker should have its own paragraph. For example:
"Go ahead, miss," a crackly voice said.
Lyrick looked into the face of a very elderly man that had to be in his nineties. "Thank you so much, Sir," she replied.
Stepping into the dimly lit coffee shop, the savory aroma of fresh brewed coffee, and the sweet smell of the various cakes and cookies filled her nostrils. She breathed deep and let out a sigh of contentment.
The atmosphere in the shop was very welcoming and quite,
I think 'quite' should be 'quiet'.
"The usual, miss?", he asked,
There is just an extra comma before 'he'.
In Conclusion
I think this is a good start on a paranormal romance. I enjoyed the scene between them right at the end. It was a good hook to keep the reader moving along to the second chapter!
Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish.
Happy Writing!
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