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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sarah Kate Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I thought I would stop by with a review to welcome you to SAJ. *Smile*

This was a very good read from beginning to end. You used a relaxed tone to start off with, allowing the reader to feel the children's fun as they played a game together. The gradual change as the story progressed worked very well to intensify the emotion. As the children headed back to their own yard, the reader got to feel a bit of relief before the final climax. Very nice work on pacing to keep the reader involved.

You did a very nice job with the dialog between the children. It felt natural and was very believable. They acted and reacted just the way I would expect of children their age.

The ending was great. It left it hanging, but at the same time, there's no room for doubt in the reader's mind about what will happen next.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*What are you so afraid of?”
Just missing the opening quote mark on this sentence.

*Bullet*She shivers.
Consider using shivered to maintain the past tense.

*Bullet*Tears start to fall down Julie’s eyes
This seemed a little off to me just because it's not possible for tears to fall down her eyes. Perhaps fall from her eyes? Or even fall down her cheeks. See what you think.

*Bullet*when he saw Marie grab a bloody knife off the counter and turned towards them with a feral smile.
The wording was just a little off here. Consider using turn or rewording slightly to say: when Marie grabbed a bloody knife off the counter and turned toward them...


My Favorite Part(s)

“And the kids at school say she eats children, and has pet spiders, and all kinds of creepy things.”

I loved this line because it was so well done to show the age of the child, as well as her fear. I could easily see my daughter saying just the same thing!


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I really enjoyed this story. It was very well written, compelling, and intense. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
52
52
Review of A Final Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Lana Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I loved the basis of this story. The first section was potent and emotional, and even though I was witnessing her pain and loss through the eyes of the point of view character, I could feel the depth of her sadness. You made great use of varying sentence length and vivid descriptions to put the reader right there in the rain, watching the scene unfold, and leaving it off on a hook where the reader didn't quite know what was going on was a great way to keep their interest for the next scene. Very nicely done.

The second section was very important to the understanding of the story as a whole, in order for the reader to 'get' what was happening and to whom. Using the scene with her hugging her grandfather was excellent. It showed the reader the love in its purest form, and allowed for the good-bye he needed. Also, I liked that the line of dialog from Maria sounded realistic to be coming from a little girl. It made it that much more authentic.

The only drawback of this story is how often the perspective changes in the second half. The reader was shown first the angel's perspective, then the girl's, and then the grandfather's at the end, and personally, I found it confusing. I had to re-read it a few times to make sure I was getting the whole story and understanding who each person was. I think if you could show it from just one perspective, it would have a much larger impact on the reader.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*I pressed my hand against her wet face, it was the color of ivory and her tears were gleaming pearls swimming down and stopping at her chin before dribbling onto her soaked clothing.
Consider a semicolon after 'face' because both the sentence before the comma and the one following it are independent clauses.

*Bullet*It was almost time another minute or two.
Consider an em dash after 'time' in order to give 'another minute or two' emphasis.

*Bullet*“Are you alright Maria? Do you understand what I am? I waited for her to comprehend.
Just missing the end quote mark after the question mark. There are a few other spots where I noticed the same thing in the second section.

*Bullet*“Yes. I know. She said.
A couple of quick things here. First, the quote mark after 'know' is missing. Also, the period after 'know' should be a comma because it's being followed by a dialog tag, and the 'she' should be in lower case.

*Bullet*Her lips trembled and her eyes cast down as she wept once again.
The wording 'her eyes cast down' is a bit too passive for this kind of emotional piece. Consider using a more direct description like, 'she looked down' or 'her eyes dropped'.

*Bullet*Another minute and I can open the door. He thought anxiously fidgeting with the doorknob.
When using inner thoughts and following them with a tag such as 'he thought' it works the same as a dialog tag. In this case, the sentence should read: Another minute and I can open the door, he thought, anxiously fidgeting with the doorknob. There is another sentence like this later on from the girl's perspective.

*Bullet*she hugged him tighter
The 'she' here should be capitalized.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This story was potent, emotional, and really made me feel the characters. I loved the basis of the story, and would be more than happy to come back and re-rate if there are any edits done. Keep up the fantastic work. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
53
53
Review of Movers  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, jadelette!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I enjoyed this piece. I decided to read it because I saw that this was a fantasy and then I wondered how you would incorporate the needed sentence. My mind went blank, so I just had to know what you had thought of. I was impressed by the originality of this piece. I wonder, have you considered writing more on it? It would be interesting, I think.

You did a great job pulling the reader into the story with the use of action right off the get-go. You used vivid descriptions and believable reactions from the characters to paint a realistic and intense scene as she and Brunt faced the bandits and the storm. I found her thoughts believable, and the way the sentences were phrased helped to set the tone nicely.

The story flowed well from beginning to end, and I had no trouble following her actions as she went to try and find Brunt. The revelation made in the last sentence showed her motivation and made it that much more realistic that she would be so determined to find him.

I think you did an excellent job with this, especially when considering that it was written to a prompt with a word count. I'd love to see what you could do with it unhampered by those conditions.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I noted a few errors in punctuation, but I know that you are more than capable of finding and correcting them on your own since we took a punctuation class together. *Wink* If you decide to edit and would like a hand, feel free to email me.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An entertaining and intriguing read. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and would love to read more if you ever decide to add to it. Keep up the great work! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
54
54
Review of In Mourning  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, A.M.Issy Author Icon!

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

This was a very deep, emotional, and thought provoking piece for me. The first time I read through it, I experienced the vivid imagery and emotional impact of loss and regret, and how we worry that our memories of our loved ones will fade. I almost always read poetry a few times over, and I just loved that this piece grew with every reading. The subtlety in this allows for the reader to understand something new with each reading. The symbolism of the clouds expresses how the memories can float lazily by, floating out of our reach far too quickly if we don't call them back and let them live within us. Very nicely done.


Tone & Mood

The tone was gentle and familiar, allowing the reader to feel the emotion within the first stanza. The use of figurative language and specific punctuation unites with the tone to create a mood of wistful and loving reflection. Though there is sadness in this piece, it didn't stand out as the primary emotion, and I think that increased the effectiveness of the piece on the whole.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

This piece was written without a specific form or rhyming sequence, but it sure didn't hurt the flow in any way. There was a distinct cadence granted through the line lengths, wording, and punctuation that allowed the poem to flow smoothly from beginning to end. I always test flow by reading the poem out loud, and I have to say, the effect of it spoken aloud was intense and effective. Really excellent work.


Suggestions

*Bullet* I have two very minor suggestions for you. The first is that the number 6 should be written out as 'six' to maintain the visual flow of the piece. Also, the words 'with in' could be 'within'.


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, an exceptional piece of free-style poetry with a wide range of emotion, vivid imagery, compelling tone, and a heartfelt message that I think almost everyone will appreciate in their own way. I know I sure did. *Smile* Keep up the amazing work!


Happy Writing!

~AJ
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
55
55
for entry "Perception" Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, jadelette!

I am more than happy to stop by with a Rising Stars M2M review for your item, "The Ambivalent Spoon" Open in new Window.. I hope you find my comments useful. *Smile*


My Thoughts

When I saw the title The Ambivalent Spoon I just had to stop in and take a peek at what would be within a notebook/blog with that name. Very clever. *Wink* As I was surfing through the entries, the first few lines of this story caught my interest, so I thought I'd stop for a read and review. *Smile*

I love it when a plan comes together. Honestly, this is what first popped into my mind when I finished reading this. I have several novellas all going at the same time right now, and this afternoon I was jumping from one to the next in a half-hearted attempt to find something I felt like writing about. I kept thinking to myself that I needed a way to explain how my two MCs had two very opposite reactions to the same situation, and I was really having a hard time with it. Then I decided to jump on WdC and read, and low and behold, I somehow wandered across this piece. Well, I have to say, you answered my dilemma and gave me a whole lot of food for thought at the same time with this entry.

I really enjoyed how you showed the same leaf falling from the tree from several different view points. Each of them had very different but very believable reactions to the same incident according to what was important to them, the changes it could have in their daily life whether positive or negative, and the results those changes would produce for them. What one woman saw as a wonderful time, another saw as more work, and yet another saw as a good reason to cause her sister some discomfort. Each of them reacted according to their past experiences. I love that you 'showed' the reader just how it happens around us all the time without us realizing it. Your short scenes from each person made it more real and created a stronger impact than your thoughts alone would have. Nice job.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Her mouth watered in anticipation of the juicy turkey to be laid out at the in the centre of the bountiful Christmas . . .
I think you have extra words in this sentence. Consider removing at the.

*Bullet*He found that if he met peoples' gaze as he navigated along a busy street . . .
I think 'gaze' should be plural because the subject is plural.

*Bullet*Winter is on it's way.
The word it's should be its.

*Bullet*My only other suggestion is to watch how often you use adverbs to describe things when you could use more active verbs instead. Don't get me wrong, I love adverbs, but if you don't need to use them for impact, then consider replacing them with active verbs or descriptions instead so that the reader has the ability to experience the story rather than just read it.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the topic of perceptions in this notebook for everyone to enjoy. Sometimes, we need an excuse to slow down and think about life from someone else's point of view in order to be happy with what we weren't even aware we had. I've thoroughly enjoyed visiting your port, and I hope to do so again soon. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
56
56
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Siareen Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Oh, man, did I ever have a ton of fun reading the two versions of this story! I have to say, I love the idea you had here of the two boys being awake during the time that the rest of the castle was asleep. It made the whole situation seem a bit more realistic because the reader was shown their reactions to the situation from them being confused but not worried, to them becoming worried and desperate for everyone to wake up as more and more time passed.

I think you did a really good job on the colloquial speech patterns of the narrator. It is very necessary to establish a rhythm when using different speech patterns in order for the reader to be able to follow the speech and become used to it enough that they can follow the story. That rhythm is achieved through consistency in word usage and sentence structure, and I think you did that beautifully in this version. The other version was also very good, but I found that with almost every word changed, it became a bit tiring to read. In this version, I fell into the rhythm within the first couple of sentences and had no trouble maintaining it. Very nicely done.

The ending on this story was great. The last sentence summed up the boys' emotions and reactions to the time when the castle was asleep in a way that left me grinning from ear to ear, happy for them that their mother was worried about the blueberries. A great, feel-good ending.


General Suggestions

I just have two small suggestions for you. First, consider adding a line of white space between each paragraph to increase the ease of the read. When reading online, I find it hard to follow the lines when there's no white space between paragraphs because the lines are so close together. When you are in the editing screen, you can check Double Space Paragraphs in section 6 in order to provide that white space. My other suggestion is that you give your piece a rating. When it is not rated, it will not show up on the public listings, so it will be much harder for readers to find.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I didn't note anything in this area that I would change.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a great read. To answer your question of which version I liked better, I would say this one only because it was less work for me as I read and provided the same end result. Well done. Keep up the great work! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
57
57
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)


My Thoughts

Ah, what a wonderful children's story! I enjoyed it from beginning to end. As luck would have it, my six-year-old was home from school today, so I read it to him, and he really enjoyed it. As I sit here typing this review, he is busy drawing pictures of Johnny with his new dragon. *Smile*

The pacing in this was really good from start to finish, and the scene progression was smooth. You spent just enough time describing the scenery, and the description of the troll was perfect for children. The wording you used was appropriate for the age group you are targeting, and the use of Johnny's reactions within the narrative allowed for the reader to feel what he was feeling, as well as what he was seeing. Nice work.

The story came across as believable, and the dialog between Johnny and Darby worked well to advance the plot and keep the tension high for the reader.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have included some suggestions below for your consideration. *Smile*

*Bullet* “Help!” Again, Johnny paused.
Since Johnny isn't the one speaking, consider separating the dialog by giving it its own paragraph.

*Bullet* Got anywhere I can hide in for a while?”
This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Consider removing in or replacing anywhere with anything.

*Bullet*Maybe breakfast tomorrow, if you don’t mind?
Just missing the ending quote mark on this dialog.

*Bullet*put the second set in a separate back.
I think the word back was meant to be bag.

*Bullet*Johnny hand his friend the large paper bag . . .
I think hand should be handed.

*Bullet* “I tell you a little secret. He looked around and whispered,
Just missing the ending quote mark after secret.

*Bullet* Johnny looked over his should at the back door.
Just a simple typo on shoulder.

*Bullet* “What do I look like? A rag doll.
The words A rag doll are an extension of the first question. Consider using a question mark instead of a period.

*Bullet*How many wishes does the Troll get.
Consider a question mark here.

*Bullet* like slim and fungus growing.
Just a typo here on slime.

*Bullet* He saw the something running over the bridge, towards them.
I think the word the is extra in this sentence.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Besides a bit of work needed on editing, I think this piece was just wonderful. The suggestions I made are what I consider to be final editing, so they didn't have much impact on the rating. I enjoyed reading it, and I will not hesitate to recommend it to others. Keep up the great work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
58
58
Review of The Intervention  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hiya, Summer Wind is Healing Author Icon!

I am more than happy to stop by with a review for your short story, " The Intervention" Open in new Window.. I hope you find my comments useful. *Smile*


My Thoughts

I stopped by your portfolio because I saw that you are a recent addition to the Rising Stars. Congrats! The description of this piece intrigued me, so I thought I would stop in for a read and review. *Smile*

This was a touching story with a strong moral, and I really enjoyed reading it. You have a strong talent for using active language to pull the reader into the situation and allowing them to experience it rather than just understand that it happened. Nice work.


Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone in this started out as tense as the reader was pulled directly into the situation through the use of strong dialogue and potent description. The mood was set well through the use of sentence length, flow, and realistic dialogue.

The tense was consistent throughout, and the point of view was mainly from the perspective of Jan as she watched the scene unfold from her hiding place. In the end, however, it did switch over to Will as he was given his second chance. While I understand that showing his emotion from his point of view creates more reaction in the reader, also consider that it is considered 'head hopping' and is something that most editors and agents frown on. Showing the reader his reactions and the subsequent emotion in Jan as a result of seeing the change would be just as poignant, I think.


Plot/Theme

The plot in this was simple but effective. Will, a young man who was abused and neglected as a child, turned to crime. He receives a second chance from God, and while the reader is left to wonder why, it is a good ending because God cannot be questioned. It left me feeling happy for him as a reader.


Imagery, & Setting

Excellent work in this area. The imagery was wonderful, and I had no problems seeing the characters, the area they were in, or the scene as it unfolded. Your use of language and sentence structure worked very well to keep me engrossed in the story.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Everybody down on the floor and don't move!" he snarled.
Just missing the opening quote marks.

*Bullet* He seemed to ignore her presence as he pulled his greasy T-shirt up to his face wiping rivulets of sweat pouring off his brow.
There are a couple of things I would like to comment on here. First, the word 'seemed' takes away from the active scene you have set in this paragraph because it makes the character seem like she is uncertain. Consider removing it to keep the tension mounting. Also, I think you could improve the flow with a slight rewording. For example, 'He ignored her presence and pulled his greasy t-shirt up to his face, wiping rivulets of sweat from his face as they poured off his brow.' See what you think.

*Bullet*"How could this happen?" Jan thought.
I think this is something that is different depending on where you live, but consider using italics to show thoughts rather than quotation marks. When a reader see quotation marks, the first thought is that it is dialogue. The added 'thought' tag does change their mind, but it also throws them off for a few seconds. As writers, we never want our readers to be thrown while reading because it means their attention is not on the story, if only for a few seconds.

*Bullet* He brushed his tousled blonde curls, hanging lazily over his piercing green eyes.
Watch out for adverbs that don't add to the content of the sentence. In this sentence, the word 'lazily' isn't really needed because 'tousled' already sets the carefree attitude. I think taking it out would increase the flow. See what you think.

*Bullet* Be careful, Will you do not know who you are dealing with, and what I am capable."
You are missing the opening quote marks. Also, consider ending the first sentence after 'Will' to give his first words more of an impact, like he's warning the hoodlum. For example, '"Be careful, Will. You don't know who you're dealing with, and what I am capable of."' Also, I added contractions to give the speech a more realistic sound. See if you like it.

*Bullet*"I know everything about you, Will from the time ...
Consider a comma after 'Will' to keep it separate from the main sentence.

*Bullet* My name is Median the man answered quietly,
You just need a quote mark after the word 'Median' in order to close the dialogue before the tag.

*Bullet* I am here to help you make the right choice.
You need an opening quote mark here.

*Bullet*Will stepped forward screaming obscenities, “Who the Hell are you?"

Will lunged at Median.
Consider removing the stepping forward so that his movements don't seem redundant. Consider, Will lunged at Median. "Who the Hell are you?"

*Bullet*and peacefully one by one left the restaurant.
Consider, '... and peacefully left the restaurant, one-by-one.'

*Bullet*"Now bring Will before me" he said.
Consider a comma before the ending quote mark.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a thought provoking piece. I enjoyed reading it very much. If you decide to edit, please feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and revise my rating accordingly. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
59
59
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, SilverMoon Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

This piece deals with a very hard time in your life, and I commend you for your ability to share it. You tell about the gradual decline of a man you loved as he allowed himself to get caught up in taking medications, as well as the changes in his attitude. You suffered greatly from the way he treated you, and I'm sure that the realization that he didn't love you like you deserved was a big blow. I think it would have been especially hard because you were committed to him, regardless of how he treated you, staying with him until his end. That takes not only courage, but determination and a level of selflessness that most people, even good people, do not possess.

This piece was well structured and easy to read. I found the conversational tone worked very well to allow the reader to connect to the narrator and see life from her perspective. Nicely done.


My Favorite Parts

Even now, I have a hard time typing that because the truth is I sometimes wish it never happened, and at the same time, I figure everything that we experience helps us understand more and helps us realize and be who we really are.

How inspirational! I love how you showed both sides of it, how hard it can be to move past something like this, but it also shows those out there that may be having a hard time that sometimes bad situations can show us just how strong we really are.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*and if it's combined with other pain killers
There's just an extra space before 'pain', and the words 'pain killers' should be together, 'painkillers'. I noticed several other areas where there was a bit too much spacing between words, but I'm sure you will see them without my help. *Wink*

*Bullet*Thoughts drift into my head about someone I lived with, who took those kinds of pills.
Consider removing the comma before 'who'. I don't think it's necessary, and it seems to cut the flow of the sentence. See what you think.

*Bullet*maybe that was his way of projecting himself as kind, considerate, fun, clean, upstanding citizen and father.
I think adding an 'a' before 'kind' would work because you end the sentence with 'citizen and father', so the adjectives are all describing what kind of citizen and father he was.

*Bullet*Some things were so traumatic that I can't even talk about it, at least not now, if ever again, unless it served a purpose.
Consider using 'serves' instead of 'served' to maintain consistency.

*Bullet* Most people get drowsy. instead it caused me to have more energy.
Just a small typo in this sentence. *Wink*

*Bullet*No I survived a living hell.
Consider a comma after 'No' because it's an introductory word.

*Bullet*Still, marriage is suppose to be sacred.
The word 'suppose' should be 'supposed'.

*Bullet*The consequences are also theirs too.
The word 'too' isn't needed. The word 'also' is enough.

*Bullet*I hate that feeling of helplessness.
The word 'hate' should be 'hated' to maintain tense.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A personal, emotional, and thought provoking read. Thank you for sharing. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
60
60
Review of The last goodbye  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Leila Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Wow, what a sad piece. The gentle, almost detached tone you used in this worked really well to reflect the emotions you were feeling at the time. It allowed the progression of events to almost blur before the eyes of the reader, just as they seem to you in hindsight. I know I felt the same way when my mom passed away. I kept looking around, wondering when the nightmare would end and I could wake up. That's what this piece felt like as well, as though you were waiting to wake up and see that everything was normal.

The ending paragraph was great because it showed the moment when you finally realized that reality wasn't going to change, and you weren't going to wake up. Very emotional.

The piece progressed very well from beginning to end, each paragraph taking the reader closer to the inevitable ending. Nicely done. I could feel the emotion behind the detachment, the flood of pain being held back by the heart's inability to accept the truth. Powerful stuff.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*I have no recollection of packing, getting into the car, traveling, but I must have done that, for I could not just appear 400 km (248 miles) away.
While there's nothing wrong with this sentence, I think you could make a couple small changes to increase the flow. Consider adding 'or' before 'traveling', and consider removing 'done that'. For me, those two small changes would give it a smoother flow.

*Bullet*I was watching a movie about a girl who had just lost her grandpa.
Consider using 'watched' instead of 'was watching' in order to increase the active voice and give a greater impact.

*Bullet*No school, my grandpa died in January, time of the summer holiday.
I'm not 100% certain on this, but I think using an em dash after 'No school' would allow a smoother flow.

*Bullet*We had moved from a land ...
Consider removing 'had' as it is not needed to establish the past tense.

*Bullet*but my mom's answer gave me a pleasing sensation into my chest ...
I think 'into' should be 'in'.

*Bullet*Finally, the moment the coffin entered the drawer; tears dropped from my eyes.
The semicolon here should be a comma.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A compelling, emotional read. I'm sure that many people, like me, will be able to relate to this. I hope writing it allowed you to work through your pain of loss. Very well done. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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61
61
Review of Taking a Stand  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Jeff Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Very good opening paragraph. The first sentence grabbed my attention, and the following paragraph piqued my interest. Nicely done.

The story flowed well from beginning to end, and I found the action and intensity built up in a steady rhythm, allowing the reader to feel a continual rise of suspense and anticipation as she finds Josiah and leads him through the tunnels. When he slipped out of the tunnel, I nearly held my breath, waiting to see if she would follow. Excellent work.

I really liked the idea of the tunnels under the city. The short history you included about them being used by merchants and the like was believable and original. Something I wish I would have thought of myself. Nice.

The character of Ellie was well developed, and I really think the opening scene was effective in establishing the kind of person she was. Right away, she was shown as a risk taker and someone who didn't like to follow the rules. Well, maybe not that she didn't like to follow rules, but she had enough of a mind of her own to know that she didn't agree with the rules, and she had the courage to stand up for what she believed in. The only thing I wasn't sure with her was her age, but I'm thinking she could have been anywhere from thirteen to sixteen, considering her mature way of thinking.

Also, the dialogue was great. Besides some issues with the placement of dialogue which I indicated below, I felt the dialogue flowed naturally, and was well worded to show the individual character's personalities.

The ending left me hanging, but at the same time, it allowed for the reader to create whatever ending they desired, so it worked out well.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* "Thank you, constable." Mrs. Claven said, ...
The period after 'constable' should be a comma because it's followed by a dialogue tag.

*Bullet*Since then, he has devoted his life ...
While this sentence works well within the context of the paragraph, it uses present tense. Consider altering the wording slightly to keep the tense consistent. Perhaps something like, 'After that, he devoted his life ...'

*Bullet* There were a few branches of a few older tunnels ...
The word 'few' feels repetitious in this sentence. Consider eliminating the second one as it is not needed to establish the fact of multiple tunnels.

*Bullet* "Hey!" He yelled.
The word 'He' doesn't need to be capitalized because it is a dialogue tag.

*Bullet* "Wait!" He cried out.
Same thing here with the 'He'. It happens a few more times throughout the story.

*Bullet*She stopped, but turned around to face him.
I think the word 'but' should be 'and'. It doesn't really make sense with the 'but'.

*Bullet* He looked at her intently.

"Because I'm going to put an end to Governor Rourk."
When the same character is doing the action and speaking, the two can go together in the same paragraph. It works well to show the reader that the one doing that action is the one speaking. This happens often throughout the story and can be quite confusing for the reader.

*Bullet*I'm tired of letting people like Rourk controlling people like my parents ...
I think 'controlling' should be 'control'. Read it out loud and see what you think.

*Bullet*And second, how do you think it would look if they found two Constructs in pieces in the courtyard.
I think this should end in a question mark.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a very entertaining read. I enjoyed it very much. The plot line was strong, and the characters were likable and realistic. If you ever decide to continue the story, I would definitely be interested in reading it. *Smile* If you decide to edit, feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and revise my rating accordingly.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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62
62
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life Author Icon!

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Bigsmile*


My Thoughts

This was a really good read. I decided to review it because my reaction to it was quite strong, so bear with me. *Wink* I found this piece both sad and uplifting at the same time. The first part concentrates on the pain felt when love is lost, the aching that just won't seem to go away, no matter how hard you try. Then, in the last couple of stanzas, you show how one can pull free of those negative emotions and thoughts, and look toward a time when the pain will be dulled. The last line was very powerful because it brings the whole poem together, but also because it's so true. Leaving love behind would have to be one of the very hardest things to do. I couldn't imagine having to try. Good stuff, Mike!


Tone & Mood

The tone was emotional and contemplative without being at all bitter. I sensed only the grief of loss and a desire to find a way to deal with the emotions in a way that the speaker could continue on. So many times in this kind of poetry, a sense of callousness finds its way in, creating bitterness and anger. I think it's awesome that this piece did not lay blame. I think it allows it to be that much more emotional for the reader. Nice work.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

The rhyme scheme in this was consistent and smooth. The words were chosen carefully to give impact while maintaining a smooth flow from beginning to end. There was just one line that I stumbled over as I read out loud. It is as follows:

Now I sit here wondering why.

For me, it would flow a little smoother as 'Now I sit and wonder why'. See what you think. *Smile*


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A powerful, meaningful poem that I'm really glad I had a chance to read. Keep up the wonderful work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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63
63
Review of Worth A Try  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, QueenErinI Author IconMail Icon!

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Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I saw you listed on "Meet the Newbies" at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central" Open in new Window. and thought I would stop in for a read. One of my weaknesses is werewolves, so this piece caught my attention. *Smile*


My Thoughts

The introductory paragraph was very well done to pull the reader into the story and show the character's personality through her thoughts. The phrasing of the sentences worked to show the emotion behind the words without needing anything extra to establish the character's voice. Nicely done. Also, your use of the first-person perspective was smooth and consistent, allowing the reader to lose themselves in the narrative without being confused over tense issues. *Thumbsup*

Great introduction to Kayden's character. You chose something that was realistic for the character to be thinking about to show some details about Kayden's personality which allowed the narrative to move along without stalling over details.

The explanation of what she's passing by as she walks home does a nice job of foreshadowing the coming encounter with the wolf, and the mention of 'emerald eyes' works well to make the reader think of Kayden. It also works well to heighten the tension of the story. My only issue with the scene is that you 'told' me what happened, rather than 'showing' it by describing it. Slow down and envision the scene as it happens. What thoughts go through her mind as she sees the wolf's teeth sink into the human's throat? What does it look like to her? Adding details to the encounter would make it come alive in the reader's mind and create even more tension. You want the reader to feel suspense when the wolf shows up, and then relief when he saves her, and in order to do that, the reader needs to be able to 'see' it happen, not just 'know' it happened.

The rest of the story flows well, and kept my interest easily. I was eager to see whether or not they would be able to get together, and I was pleased that they did. I'm not sure that I believe how easily she accepted that he was a werewolf, though. There was very little disbelief on her part at all, and even though the eyes tipped her off, I still think there would be more than a few lines exchanged over the issue.

I know you state in the description that this is a one shot story, but you definitely have the makings of a longer story here if you choose to pursue it. The ending is satisfying as a short, but could easily be extended. You made me like both of the characters, and that's a big part of keeping the reader interested to read more about them. *Smile*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* Fortunately I know my stuff;
Consider a comma after 'Fortunately' because it is a disjunctive adverb as well as an introductory word.

*Bullet*“Calm down. I have a better way for you to use up all this energy.” I stop spinning, my attention caught by my green-eyed companion.
Since the action being performed after the dialog is that of Alivia and not Kayden, it should be in its own paragraph. You could easily place it directly before her response in the following paragraph.

*Bullet*“One of my friends is having a party tonight on the other side of town. I’ll pick you up on my way there,” he offers. I bounce up and down with excitement.

“Really? I’m so there,” I reply eagerly. “You remember where I live?” He grins.

“I couldn’t forget. I’ll see you tonight, then.
The same thing is happening here. When one character is speaking, only his/her actions should be included in the same paragraph as the dialogue. Consider the following:

“One of my friends is having a party tonight on the other side of town. I’ll pick you up on my way there,” he offers.

I bounce up and down with excitement. “Really? I’m so there,” I reply eagerly. “You remember where I live?”

He grins. “I couldn’t forget. I’ll see you tonight, then...

As you can see, the actions all correspond with who is speaking. This happens quite often throughout the story. Consider smoothing it out in order to reduce any chance of confusion on the reader's part.

*Bullet**time skip*
Rather than doing this, you could use a scene break such as:

*Note* *Note* *Note*

To do this, simply type {center} {e:note} {e:note} {e:note} {/center} and it will show up the same as the above example on your story.

*Bullet*“How do you mean, errands?”
This may be a difference in the areas that we live, but I think 'What do you mean' would be more appropriate.

*Bullet* Apparently she’s overseas on a missions trip with her...
Consider a comma after 'Apparently' because it's a disjunctive adverb, as well as an introductory word.


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. Consider going through to smooth out the paragraphs that include dialogue and action to reduce confusion. It would enhance the flow of the story and the ease of the read nicely. Keep up the great work! I look forward to reading more of your writing. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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64
64
Review of The Accident  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hiya, !

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC! *BalloonR*


Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I saw your review request posted on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and thought I would stop by for a read. *Smile*


My Thoughts

This piece really spoke to me. I lost my mom in July of this year, and though I have learned to move on, she is always on my mind. I think this piece is a wonderful way for you to express your emotions, as well as to allow others who may be experiencing the same kind of thing to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may also act as a warning to some by showing them that we need to always be sure that we can live with what we say and do. I have a similar regret where my mom is concerned, and it has taken a lot of work on my part not to sink into a self-induced despair over something I cannot change.

This essay was very well written and structured. It read smoothly from beginning to end, and I could sense your emotions clearly. The use of descriptive wording worked nicely in the first paragraph to set the somber mood and allow the reader to feel the emotion right from the start. Nicely done. Also, the first sentence did a great job of capturing my attention and pulling me into the piece.

The only thing that threw me off a bit was the very last part that said 'Now, a month after my mother's death'. Through the essay, I felt as though this was written quite a while after her death, rather than only a month after. It confused me for a moment. Something for you to think about. *Smile*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have a few suggestions regarding comma usage. *Smile*

*Bullet*...the old gate of the cemetery in our small town creaked, as I slowly pushed it open.
The comma before 'as' isn't needed because it is a subordinating conjunction that shows time. There are several spots where the word 'as' shouldn't have a comma. One way to remember whether to use one or not is to ask yourself if it shows 'when' something happened. If it shows time, a comma is not needed.

*Bullet* I felt closer to her, than I ever had after that fateful accident.
The comma before 'than' is not needed because it stunts the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*the Twenty Third of November, Two Thousand and Ten
These numbers do not need to be capitalized. Also, consider using hyphenation to make them proper. For example, 'the twenty-third of November'.

*Bullet*It started out normally enough, I argued with my mother, in the morning before school, about the party I wanted to go for that night.
Consider using a period rather than the comma after 'enough' to separate the two thoughts. Also, the commas in the second part are not needed. One quick way to check, and it doesn't always work, but is sometimes helpful, is to speak the sentence out loud. If the pauses sound funny, then chances are that they aren't needed. Like I said, that's not a fool-proof method by any means, but it is helpful.

*Bullet*she logically explained to me, that going to the party was not advisable.
No comma here.

*Bullet*The next thing I remember was when my frantic father called my school to notify me about my mother’s accident, she was taken by a good Samaritan, ...
Start a new sentence with 'she was taken...' because it's the start of a new thought.

*Bullet*It was a feeling that I only I completely understood.
The first 'I' is extra, I think.

*Bullet* But gradually like a ray of sunshine the path was drawn in front of me.
Consider the following punctuation to improve the flow: 'But gradually, like a ray of sunshine, the path was drawn in front of me.'

*Bullet*Today, a month after my mother’s death, I knelt beside her grave and with moist eyes, whispered into the silence, “I love you mom.”
Consider adding the word 'and' before 'whispered'.

One last thing. Be careful of adverbs ending in -ly. While they are very useful in descriptions, they tend to tell rather than show, and most publishers frown on them being used any more than one every three hundred words. Of course, that only matters if you are looking toward publication. *Wink*


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

This was a well-written, emotional, as well as inspirational essay, and I'm so glad I got a chance to read it. I'm sure that anyone who has felt this kind of loss will be able to relate to the emotions and be uplifted by the content. Well done. Keep up the great work. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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65
65
Review of The Storm  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, hellofromme Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


My Thoughts

Wow. This was a very emotional poem. I've read it over several times now, and each time it hits me the same way. I lost my mom a few months ago, and this is the first piece I've found that comes so very close to how I feel.

I love how this piece progresses from a soft, loving tone in the beginning, almost that of a child, to a deeper, grief filled tone at the end. While the softness remains, I could feel the change through how the scene changes just slightly in each section. Very powerful and effective.

This is free style all the way, and I was impressed at how well it flowed even without a specific meter. I would love to learn how to do that! *Wink*

My only suggestion for you is to edit this for grammar and punctuation in order to enhance the reader's reaction. The content is very strong, and it would be a shame for a reader to get stopped in the progression of emotions by technical inconsistencies. I have included some suggestions for you below.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*when the storm has passed and it's time for me to leave,
Consider capitalizing the first word since this is the beginning of a new thought.

*Bullet*waving goodbye,
with a smile,
I know a lot of people insist that each line in a poem must have punctuation, but there are many of us that don't agree. It's a matter of personal taste for the poet, and for me, I think poems flow smoother when proper punctuation rules are used. Consider removing the comma after the first line to promote a smoother flow in the words.

*Bullet*you hide it all be hide your smile.
I think 'be hide' was meant to be 'behind'.

*Bullet*Consider going through and capitalizing the 'I' and 'I'm' words.

*Bullet*and i'm sure you can tell that i am too.

because now it's my turn to plaster on a smile too hide my sadness,
Consider removing the period after 'too' because the following line is a part of the same thought.

*Bullet*i'm standing trying my best to hide it with a smile.
Consider a comma after 'standing' to separate the two actions. It would make it a bit more clear for the reader.

*Bullet*Now i know you can tell,
as my wet, heavy, tears spill down my face,
soaking my shirt,
i'm terrified,
I think you could give this section a lot more impact by playing with the punctuation a bit. See what you think of this:

Now I know you can tell
as my wet, heavy tears spill down my face,
soaking my shirt—
I'm terrified.

Then start a new sentence with the following line to give it its own time in the spotlight. *Smile*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a very powerful piece of poetry. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I think with a little bit of polishing, it could be even more powerful for the reader. You show some extraordinary ability to place your emotions in the words as you write. Keep up the awesome work.

If you decide to revise or edit, please feel free to let me know. I would absolutely love to come back and give this piece the 5 stars that I feel it deserves. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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66
66
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, coincidenceandleprechauns Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


My Thoughts

This was quite an interesting story. Not only did the character's emotions come through in a way that I could feel them, but the imagery and active descriptions allowed for me to see the scene as well. Very nicely done. The gentle, forlorn tone in this piece came through nicely, allowing the reader to feel the emotions clearly.

I found myself feeling a variety of emotions as he watched the woman walking to the garbage can with her memories and her wedding ring only to discover that her heart wouldn't allow her to throw them away. I found myself very curious to see why she wanted to throw them away in the first place, and then he saw the man come home and it all made sense to me. A very creative way to tell a story without ever 'telling' it.

So many little things went together in this to create the whole picture right from the cracked window, the state of the main characters home, the way the couple acted that he watched, and so on. Very good eye for detail.

The theme in this piece was summed up very well by the line: 'In his own unblinking eyes, he mused over them as ghosts; they may as well be non-corporeal for all the difference they made.' Neither the man nor the woman were happy, but neither one was able to do anything to change that. Likewise, the man watching them seemed stuck in the endless routine of watching rather than doing. Thought provoking, for sure.


My Favorite Parts

The identical panes of glass – a collection of distorted swirls and plain sheets - sat in the window frame back when his mother bought the house, but since then the smooth pane that his gaze most often passed through had been fractured, like shattered ice, though still intact.

I loved this description of the window. Through your use of active words, I could literally 'see' the panes of glass he watched through. This section also helped to set the mood by showing that the character left things around his own home in such a state. It gave some insight into his state of mind.



Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Daily he bowed his head with sorrow as she drifted between despondency and acceptance;
Since the word 'Daily' is a disjunctive adverb, a comma following it would be appropriate.

*Bullet*He sat in his threadbare chair and watched as the shadows envelope the clutter on his desk.
The word 'envelope' should be 'enveloped in order to maintain tense.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a very well written, thought provoking short story. You mentioned this was for an assignment. I'm sure you must have received a good grade for it. *Smile* Keep up the great work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
67
67
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Round 66
Prompt: Birthdays



Hiya, Bikerider Author Icon!

I am more than happy to read and review your work. Any suggestions I provide are my opinion. Always feel free to disagree.

Very nice! The title takes on a whole new meaning each time it's used during the course of this story, and I really liked how you associated it with each change in Carrie's desire without making it seem repetitive.

The wording you used to describe the scene between the two women was very nice. It allowed for Carrie's feelings of nervousness to dissipate as Julie worked her magic on her. The ending was priceless. That her man had set it all up for her in order for her to live out her fantasy on her birthday showed how much he loved her. Nice work.

The tone was soft and loving right from the beginning, and it worked very well to set the mood. *Thumbsup*


Suggestions

*Bullet*When actions follow dialog, the comma at the end of the dialog should be a period so that the action can be a stand alone sentence. For example, you wrote: “I’m Carrie,” they shook hands. “…I’ll kill him.” In this instance, the comma after 'Carrie' should be a period, and the 'they' should be capitalized.

*Bullet* Julie frowned, “Can I buy you a drink?
The comma following 'frowned' should be a period since it's an action.

*Bullet*Carrie slid off the stool and eyed the back of Julie’s firm legs, she liked the way Julie’s skirt pulled tightly against her butt, Yeah, she definitely works out, Carrie thought.
The punctuation is a bit off here. Consider: Carrie slid off the stool and eyes the back of Julie's firm legs(.) She liked the way Julie's skirt pulled tightly against her butt(.) Yeah, she definitely works out, Carrie thought.


In Conclusion

A great read, Angelo. I enjoyed your take on the prompt. Thank you for entering Round 66 of the Weekly Quickie and allowing me to read and review your work. *Smile*

Congrats! You have won Second Place for this entry! Your prize is included with this review. *Bigsmile*

Tone & Mood *Right* 5.0
Plot & Characters *Right* 5.0
Technical Aspects *Right* 4.5
Use of Prompt *Right* 5.0
Blush Factor *Right* 4.5
Total Rating *Right* 5.0


~A.J. Lyle~ Author Icon

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
68
68
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, jaya Author Icon!

This is the third of three reviews that you won in "SHERRI'S HAPPY HOLIDAY AUCTION CLOSED" Open in new Window.. Thank you again for your generous support! *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

Ah! You shocked me with this one. *Smile* Nice work on the twist at the end, my dear. It really took me by surprise. *Thumbsup*


Strengths

The serious, suspenseful tone you used to the set the scene in the first few paragraphs did a great job of drawing me in to the story. You used some solid facts about Jeremy to create a persona for him of an investigating lawyer, the kind of man that didn't back down from a challenge, no matter what he was going up against. The reference to murky plots and politicians increased the effect of his characterization. Nicely done.

The scene flowed well from beginning to end, and the tension increased up to the climax of Jeremy being pulled out of the plane, seeming to be starting a fall to his death when the twist suddenly comes out of nowhere. Very good work. It came as a total surprise to me, and that's just what a twist should do. *Thumbsup*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*He had uncovered quite a few murky plots hatched by people of rank, for selfish motives.
Consider a small change to the end of this sentence to increase the flow. I think if you omit the comma and change 'for' to 'with', it would produce a more clear and effective sentence. For example: He had uncovered quite a few murky plots, hatched by people of rank with selfish motives.

*Bullet* The man he was contesting against was of integrity and willing to work for the people, not to better his finances as few others before him did.
The use of 'contesting' and 'against' is not needed. They both mean almost the same thing, so it seems like repetition. Also, the 'he' in this sentence is not defined. Consider making it more clear who you are indicating. Also, consider 'was one of integrity' to smooth the flow. Okay, one last hing. *Wink* When you said 'as few others did before him' did you mean to make it sound like not very many had before him? Perhaps you meant to say, 'as a few had before him' to indicate that there had been a few who ran only for the money.

*Bullet*Jeremy felt the strong push given from behind.
Consider 'a' instead of 'the' to increase the flow.

*Bullet* and Jeremy found himself plunging headlong into what appeared to be a death trap.
The wording 'into what appeared to be' creates a passive sense to this sentence. I think it would be much more dramatic if you said 'Jeremy found himself plunging headlong into a death trap'. See what you think.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An very good piece of flash fiction. Considering the amount of time that you had to write it, especially, you did an excellent job. Very few could have come up with a twist that well done in that short amount of time. *Thumbsup*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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69
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

*Star*For the premise of this group's activities, please see: *Star*
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

Please keep in mind that my opinions, thoughts, and suggestions are meant to encourage and help. If you don't agree, that's just fine. Feel free to use or discard anything as you see fit. Above all, never stop sharing your love of the written word.

Hiya, jaya Author Icon!


Why I Chose To Review This Item:

I am here for the second of three reviews that you won in "SHERRI'S HAPPY HOLIDAY AUCTION CLOSED" Open in new Window.. I chose this piece because it hit a chord for me when I read through it, and I just had to let you know. *Smile*


My Thoughts

The title of this piece first caught my attention. "Spreading Hope" instantly filled me with a desire to know how you thought hope could be spread. Hope is one of the things that I feel is the most important for everyone in the world to hold onto, no matter where they are or what they experience because it is one of the only things that can never be taken from them by force.

As I read through this, I was overcome with thoughts of when my mom was very sick. There was one pastor who was a ray of hope for me as we struggled through treatments and surgeries. The section, 'They bring the candle of joy and hope -- Even in the face of death, inspire to cope' couldn't have described him better. Then I realized that there is probably that person in almost everyone's life, if they are willing to recognize them and listen to them. *Smile*


Conventions

Honestly, I was very impressed with this piece. Leger's '15 for 15 Contest' is a true challenge because you get only 15 minutes to come up with your entry. For that reason, I though this was extremely well done, and I commend how you were able to create such a powerful, effective piece is such little time.

The rhyme scheme was very well done, and the words were chosen well to create a smooth sound as I read this out loud. There were a couple of spots where I wondered at the rhyme, but I found out with the right accent, they rhymed perfectly. *Wink*

While there was no set syllable count within the lines, I found that they flowed very well from one to the next. The only thing that threw me off once or twice was the lack of punctuation. I have included a few suggestions below for that, but on the second read, that didn't phase me because I was able to remember where the pauses should be.

The use of the yellow flower to show how those who bring hope often stand alone by the way side was a powerful use of imagery. It allowed for me to see the situation from an outside perspective, as well as from a personal view point. That, and the fact that yellow is often representative of friendship and hope increased the overall effect nicely.


Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling

I just have a couple of suggestions that I think would increase the flow of the read. They are as follows. *Smile*

*Bullet* Consider a comma at the end of the first two lines in the second stanza. Also, I think the comma after 'Single' could be omitted to increase the flow. One last thing. The words 'over ride' could be one 'override'.

*Bullet*Abandoned to thrive, on its own.
Swayed the little yellow flower
A welcome sight, to the observer.
I think the period at the end of the first line is a bit too much of a pause because the word 'swayed' seems to depend on the previous line in order to carry the sentence. Consider a comma instead.

*Bullet*Like gems they emit light in darkness thus
Because the last two lines of this stanza run into the stanza following, consider a period at the end of this one. That would allow the following line to be the beginning of the next part.

*Bullet*Across their world, and that of others
Instill courage and confidence
In the poor millions of continents.
Consider removing the comma in the first line to increase the flow. Also, consider a dash or semicolon after 'others' to show that the following two lines are connected yet are a separate thought.

*Bullet*Even in the face death, inspire to cope
Consider adding the word 'of' between 'face' and 'death'.


My Favorite Part(s)

They bring the candle of joy and hope
Even in the face death, inspire to cope
They fill their fellow humans even in desperation
With life, vigor and renewed aspiration.

What a powerful ending stanza. It sums up the theme of the poem very well and leaves the reader feeling good. Nice work.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An inspirational, motivational, and meaningful piece. A very good read from beginning to end, my dear. Keep up the amazing work!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Maryann Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I was browsing through your port when I spied this item on how to link items. What a great idea! I have seen many of these kinds of articles on WdC, but I think that this is, by far, the most simple and effective way of showing members, not only how to link items, but also what those links are and what the differences are between them.

I know when I first joined, I wondered at why there were so many different kinds of links and which one I should use. In time, I realized that any of them would work, just in different ways, so it depended on what information I wanted to show. You have shown this in a way that makes complete sense and makes it seem so easy to boot. Nice work! *Bigsmile*


Suggestions

I just have one small suggestion for you. I have numerous members every week who ask how to link a review. You may consider adding that at the end to show that reviews done on items can be shown easily as well. I do realize, though, that this is about linking 'items', so I can understand if you left it out for that reason. *Smile*


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a very effective showing of how to link items, as well as what kinds of item links are available. I will definitely recommend this to anyone I find that is wanting to learn. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
71
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thank you for participating!
"TLC -- Try your Luck Contest!!" Open in new Window.
You chose the Green Prompt
Situation Prompt *Down*
Write a piece where your character is stuck some place with his or her peculiar, and 'very specific' fear of something or someone."





Prompt Relevance

Wow. You have done an exceptional job using this prompt to create a wonderful read. You included the line count, and it came in within the specified restrictions in the rules. Nice work! *Thumbsup*


My Thoughts

Wow. This was an intense read from beginning to end. I found the tone formal and dark, drawing the reader into the depths of the narrators fear. Exceptionally well done. I could feel the clinging terror that the voices produced, and it grew steadily as the poem progressed.

The imagery in this was outstanding! This is the kind of writing that I read and wish I could have come up with. *Wink* Your word choice was excellent, and I loved that you created very natural rhymes that both complemented the rhythm and the content. Very nice.

The rhyming pattern was flawless, as was the syllable count in each line. Your use of enjambment increased the flow and allowed for a very smooth read. Also, the auditory experience of this was wonderful. As I read it out loud, the emotions became more tangible and created a much more intense experience (if that's even possible. *Wink*).


Suggestions

*Bullet*From stygian depths I have sealed from the light
vile thoughts find purchase in the words I write.
Since you have used proper punctuation in this piece, consider a comma after 'light'.


*Star* Overall *Star*

An exceptional dark read. I enjoyed every minute of it. *Smile* Good luck with the contest!

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for participating!
"TLC -- Try your Luck Contest!!" Open in new Window.
You chose the Blue Prompt
Your item must begin with *Down*
"I never wanted to admit it but~"





Prompt Relevance

You did a great job following the blue prompt and keeping your story within the allowable word count. Nice work! *Thumbsup*


My Thoughts

Oh my, this was a great read! Intense, suspenseful, and it left me with an eerie feeling. Very nice!

The tone in this was well done right from the beginning. I could sense an anticipatory mood even as the narrator set up the scene of the girls arriving at the camp. I could feel that there was something coming to destroy all the normalcy. The first paragraph worked really well to foreshadow the coming events, especially the mention of how she avoided windows at all costs.

The story flowed really well from beginning to end. The transitions were very well done, and I think you did an excellent job with the imagery. I really enjoyed the dark atmosphere as Christina sat down to do as her friends asked.

The girls were shown as individuals that linked into a whole, and I think it worked well to show their connection to each other, as well as make the way they united after their scare believable. Each one of them had their own personality, as shown through the effective dialog. I also noticed that their dialog seemed natural and unforced in anyway.

I loved the ending. It left me with a creepy, eerie feeling—perfect ending for this kind of story. *Thumbsup*


Suggestions

I have some suggestions for you regarding sentence flow, punctuation, and things like that. They are as follows. *Smile*

*Bullet* I avoid windows the most I can--especially at night.
I found that I stumbled on this sentence just a bit and had to reread it to make sense of it. Consider: I avoid windows as much as I can—especially at night. See what you think. For me, it flows a bit smoother.

*Bullet* I was immediately enveloped by its long, thick branches and inviting coolness the moment I got off.
In this sentence, you have indicated two different 'times' for this to have happened. Both 'immediately' and 'the moment I got off' are not needed. Consider choosing just one to increase the effectiveness of the sentence.

*Bullet*Baby said while her eyes were glued to the letters and numbers imprinted on the strange board.
You use the word 'while' quite a bit, and while there's nothing wrong with that, I wanted to show you how it could be eliminated in some areas. In the above sentence, you could eliminate it and replace it with a comma, like so: Baby said, her eyes glued to the letters and numbers imprinted on the strange board. I also took out the word 'were' to increase the flow.

*Bullet*“Please”, Luisa asked,
The comma after 'Please' should be before the end quote mark.

*Bullet*that the Gods only tested the strongest, remember?. So, that's that.” Panela insisted.
The period after the question mark isn't needed. Also, the period after 'that' should be a comma because it's followed by a dialog tag.

*Bullet* It attracted us like magnet; eerie and full of mysterious symbols, scary.
Consider a dash after symbols rather than a comma.

*Bullet*“Panela, don’t cheat!”, Katia said,
There were a few places where you had a comma after the quote marks. Unless there's a difference in other places, the comma is not needed.

*Bullet*“I’m scared”,
In this case, the comma should be before the quote mark.

*Bullet* A lightning crossed the dark sky,...
The 'A' is not needed in this sentence.

*Bullet*Panela said, shacking me violently.
Just a type on 'shacking'. It should be 'shaking'.


*Star* Overall *Star*

A very good read. I found it suspenseful, vivid, and just creepy enough to satisfy the reader without scaring them too much. *Wink* Good luck with the contest, and remember not to make any changes until after the judging is complete. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Artist  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for participating!
"TLC -- Try your Luck Contest!!" Open in new Window.
You chose the Violet Prompt
Your item must include the following words: *Down*
Bomb*Bullet*Jellyfish*Bullet*Sculpture*Bullet*Magenta*Bullet*Artist





Prompt Relevance

For this prompt, you were asked to use specific words and to highlight them in some way. Thank you so much for doing just that! *Smile* I feel this poem follows the entry requirements well. *Thumbsup*


My Thoughts

I love how you used the word prompts to create such a wonderful scene of creation. *Bigsmile* You used active words to create the sense of rushing as he created, and it worked well. I found myself reading faster as the anticipatory mood filled me. Very nice.

I didn't notice a specific meter or rhyme scheme in this, but it certainly didn't need it in order to be smooth as I read through. Your use of proper punctuation really complemented the flow, allowing me to see where the pauses should be before I got to them, and I think it also increased the effectiveness of the mood. *Thumbsup*

I love reciting poetry out loud, and I found that this one really came to life when spoken. The words flowed easily for the most part, and the cadence was consistent.


Suggestions

*Bullet*the creatures now seemed
to have a home.
In order to maintain the present tense, consider: the creatures now seem
to have a home.

*Bullet*It is then that his mind is quieted
and he can now go about his day.
Consider 'quiet' rather than 'quieted'. Also, I wonder if the last line would flow smoother without the word 'now'. It seems a bit repetitious to me. See what you think.


*Star* Overall *Star*

A very enjoyable, compelling read. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of creation. Good luck with the contest! *Bigsmile*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
74
74
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Meg Author Icon!

I found this piece posted at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central" Open in new Window.


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I was browsing your port, and the description of this piece caught my eye. I enjoy reading Young Adult novels, so I thought I would come on by and check it out! *Smile*


My Thoughts

First things first, I have to say that you have a wonderful ability to weave images in the reader's mind. Your command of figurative language to grant vivid and compelling scenes is nothing short of masterful. The beginning where you described the kind of day was very nicely done to set the scene, and while the imagery was wonderful, you may want to reconsider how long it is. I have been researching a lot when it comes to novels and novellas and having them published, and one thing I have heard a lot from editors is that the first 250 words of the first chapter has to grab them and make them want to keep reading. Due to the soft tone in the first part of this, it may not do that. However, the imagery is very good, so that is something you will have to think about and decide for yourself. I had to say something though, or I would have felt bad. *Wink*

The descriptions of Zephyr, Shannon, and her room were all done very well. I had no trouble imagining the scene as it played out. Also, the dialog between the two of them was very good. It flowed naturally, and I found it believable and expressive. You used actions and facial expressions in place of excessive tags, and it worked nicely to bring the scene to life. *Thumbsup*

Zephyr's character development through her thoughts was great. I started to get a sense of her personality as she reacted to her mother. Her thoughts were believable and realistic.

The plot development went along well. While not a whole lot was revealed, we did learn that Zephyr's mother raised her and her sister by herself and that Zephyr is beginning to wonder about her father. It is just enough to get the reader interested without throwing in too many details too fast. Good work.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*I have one small piece of advice for you regarding the use of -ly ending adverbs. Adverbs have a tendency to tell rather than show, and in my travels I have learned that editors will often discard a manuscript if they find more than 1 every 300 words or so. In this chapter, I counted 76 adverbs. Often, an active verb will work better than an adverb to 'show' what is happening. If you are interested in learning more, check out this link *Right* Adverbs  Open in new Window.

*Bullet*who smiled peacefully as she swept sweeping her impeccably tidy house.
Consider removing 'sweeping'. I don't think it's necessary to include both forms of the action.

*Bullet* “I’ve got news for you mom.
Since 'mom' is being used as a direct address, a comma should precede it and it should be capitalized.

*Bullet*Zephyr could see the sadness in mother’s eyes.
Consider adding 'her' in front of 'mother's'.

*Bullet* Shannon swept her hair over her shoulder
Earlier in the chapter, she was described as having her hair in a ponytail, so this shocked me because her hair should have still been up.

*Bullet*felt the unending pressure in her chest suddenly and unexpectedly swelling into a pain swirling in her thoracic cage for a million and no reasons that she could think of.
Consider rephrasing this sentence just a bit. I found that by the time I got to the end of it, I was confused. Perhaps something like: felt the unending pressure in her chest suddenly swell into a pain(,) swirling...


My Favorite Part(s)

Zephyr slowly raised herself on the spread, and although she was doing her best to keep her expression blank, she could feel her already impossibly dark, stormy-gray eyes flashing like a tempest.

Loved the imagery in this section! Very well done to provide a vivid image for the reader. *Smile*

Perhaps if she ignored her long enough, her mother would go away. The swirling patterns on the ceiling were certainly riveting.

This is a great way to advance the characterization of her character without being obvious. The thoughts seem natural for a 14-year-old, as well as entertaining.


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

A very good start on a young adult novel. You did some awesome work introducing the main characters and making the reader care about them in a short time. I look forward to learning more about Zephyr's life. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
75
75
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Fivesixer Author Icon!

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Bigsmile*


My Thoughts

This piece is bitter-sweet. As I read through, I could sense what was coming from the wording, and the ending line summed it up very well. It's so sad sometimes when one is in a relationship and can sense that it's ending and is out of their control. Memories of happier times impose on the mind and create a sorrow that can't be easily dispelled.


Tone & Mood

The tone in this piece was soft and personal, allowing the reader to feel the emotions as they swirl throughout the words. The first two lines were very well done. The chill in the air combines with a chilly sigh, working well to foreshadow the end coming. Nicely done.


Emotional Impact

This piece was very emotional because the love once felt was palpable, and there was a sense of regret and sorrow over what the narrator knew was the coming of the end. I think sometimes it's worse to know that something is going to happen, to see those small indications and then be waiting for it.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

There is no real set rhythm or meter in this, but it definitely doesn't need it. As lyrics, there is a certain amount of leeway in those areas as long as the flow is there and the rhythm is consistent. As I read this out loud, I found a distinct rhythm in my mind to accompany the words, and I found the layout helped a lot with deciphering it as I went. Very nicely done.

The word choices were well done throughout. I especially liked the lines:

I can safely say it was as bad as the best
and greater than the worst of life's memories.

The way they're worded is quite powerful and memorable. The kind of parts that you always remember from a song after hearing it.


Suggestions

I just have one small suggestion. After the line, 'as your chilly sigh when our arms entwined with our bodies,' consider a period rather than a comma. The line following it seems to start a new thought, so I think a full stop would be appropriate. *Smile*


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A vivid and compelling set of lyrics. I thoroughly enjoyed reading and experiencing this piece. Keep up the great work! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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