My Thoughts
I stopped by your portfolio because I saw that you are a recent addition to the Rising Stars. Congrats! The description of this piece intrigued me, so I thought I would stop in for a read and review.
This was a touching story with a strong moral, and I really enjoyed reading it. You have a strong talent for using active language to pull the reader into the situation and allowing them to experience it rather than just understand that it happened. Nice work.
Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View
The tone in this started out as tense as the reader was pulled directly into the situation through the use of strong dialogue and potent description. The mood was set well through the use of sentence length, flow, and realistic dialogue.
The tense was consistent throughout, and the point of view was mainly from the perspective of Jan as she watched the scene unfold from her hiding place. In the end, however, it did switch over to Will as he was given his second chance. While I understand that showing his emotion from his point of view creates more reaction in the reader, also consider that it is considered 'head hopping' and is something that most editors and agents frown on. Showing the reader his reactions and the subsequent emotion in Jan as a result of seeing the change would be just as poignant, I think.
Plot/Theme
The plot in this was simple but effective. Will, a young man who was abused and neglected as a child, turned to crime. He receives a second chance from God, and while the reader is left to wonder why, it is a good ending because God cannot be questioned. It left me feeling happy for him as a reader.
Imagery, & Setting
Excellent work in this area. The imagery was wonderful, and I had no problems seeing the characters, the area they were in, or the scene as it unfolded. Your use of language and sentence structure worked very well to keep me engrossed in the story.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.
Everybody down on the floor and don't move!" he snarled.
Just missing the opening quote marks.
He seemed to ignore her presence as he pulled his greasy T-shirt up to his face wiping rivulets of sweat pouring off his brow.
There are a couple of things I would like to comment on here. First, the word 'seemed' takes away from the active scene you have set in this paragraph because it makes the character seem like she is uncertain. Consider removing it to keep the tension mounting. Also, I think you could improve the flow with a slight rewording. For example, 'He ignored her presence and pulled his greasy t-shirt up to his face, wiping rivulets of sweat from his face as they poured off his brow.' See what you think.
"How could this happen?" Jan thought.
I think this is something that is different depending on where you live, but consider using italics to show thoughts rather than quotation marks. When a reader see quotation marks, the first thought is that it is dialogue. The added 'thought' tag does change their mind, but it also throws them off for a few seconds. As writers, we never want our readers to be thrown while reading because it means their attention is not on the story, if only for a few seconds.
He brushed his tousled blonde curls, hanging lazily over his piercing green eyes.
Watch out for adverbs that don't add to the content of the sentence. In this sentence, the word 'lazily' isn't really needed because 'tousled' already sets the carefree attitude. I think taking it out would increase the flow. See what you think.
Be careful, Will you do not know who you are dealing with, and what I am capable."
You are missing the opening quote marks. Also, consider ending the first sentence after 'Will' to give his first words more of an impact, like he's warning the hoodlum. For example, '"Be careful, Will. You don't know who you're dealing with, and what I am capable of."' Also, I added contractions to give the speech a more realistic sound. See if you like it.
"I know everything about you, Will from the time ...
Consider a comma after 'Will' to keep it separate from the main sentence.
My name is Median the man answered quietly,
You just need a quote mark after the word 'Median' in order to close the dialogue before the tag.
I am here to help you make the right choice.
You need an opening quote mark here.
Will stepped forward screaming obscenities, “Who the Hell are you?"
Will lunged at Median.
Consider removing the stepping forward so that his movements don't seem redundant. Consider, Will lunged at Median. "Who the Hell are you?"
and peacefully one by one left the restaurant.
Consider, '... and peacefully left the restaurant, one-by-one.'
"Now bring Will before me" he said.
Consider a comma before the ending quote mark.
In Conclusion
All in all, a thought provoking piece. I enjoyed reading it very much. If you decide to edit, please feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and revise my rating accordingly.
Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish.
Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |