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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of DISGRACEFUL  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Itchy Water~fictionandverse Author Icon!

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!


My Personal Impression

Now this is a thought provoking poem. In three lines, you have created something that can be interpreted in many different ways, and I must admit, I love that. For some, it could be from the perspective of the 'one on the side' in a relationship, or it could be someone in his life who is close enough to see how he treats his family such as a co-worker. For me, it was definitely from the perspective of a woman who had been with a married man when I first read it. Part of me thought, "Why would you care?" since they were cheating anyway which is disgraceful all in itself, but then I realized that it could have been from the perspective of just about anyone, and what was important was the message it sent. Like I said, thought provoking! *Wink*


Conventions

The form you used, the Senryu, isn't as easy as it sounds. While it is only three lines long, the words must be chosen so carefully to make sure the theme of an emotion or human nature comes through clearly for the reader. To be honest, I find the shorter the poem, the harder it is to express emotion. Well done! Also, the required meter of 5/7/5 was perfectly executed.

The tone in this was set well with the choice of words. I found a sense of disappointment came through very clearly, granting a darker mood. The fact that there was no rhyming sequence fit well with the form, and it certainly didn't need it in order to maintain a smooth rhythm from the first line to the last.


Suggestions

The only suggestion I have is very small. I think adding proper punctuation in this would enhance the flow just a bit by showing the reader how the sentence should be spoken. If it was me, I would add a comma after 'kids' to show the introductory phrase, and a period at the end. Just something for you to consider. *Wink*


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, a wonderful Senryu! You took the subject of disgrace and showed it in a very palpable fashion, allowing for the reader to think about it and draw their own conclusions. Excellent work! I look forward to reading more from your portfolio. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work. If you don't agree with me, no worries!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
102
102
Review of Wishes  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Fyn Author Icon!

*Fire* Here's one of the reviews from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.! Enjoy! *Fire*


My Personal Reaction

What an awesome children's story! I enjoyed reading this. The message in this came through crystal clear, and what an important message it is. My daughter is 10, and how 'beautiful' she is comes up often. She always wishes to be prettier. This story did a great job at showing how beauty isn't all about what you look like, but also how you act and react. Nicely done!


Strengths

The tone in this piece was gentle and reassuring. It worked well to grant the reader a sense of genuine help as the Elven king talked to her about her looks and how being beautiful on the inside was what mattered the most.

Cari's emotions came across well, and I think many children will be able to relate to how she felt. The dialogue between the two of them flowed naturally, and it worked well to develop the story line, as well as to establish their individual voices. While it may seem like a small thing, it helps for the reader to 'see' them on a more personal level, and that can only be a good thing! *Wink*

The story flowed well from beginning to end. I think the pacing was smooth, and the ending left me with a very good feeling about how Cari's life would improve for her.


General Suggestions

*Right*Consider adding a bit more active voice to this. Considering that it is for children, there needs to be a certain level of telling to it for easier understanding, but I think there were a few spots where the active voice would increase the effect of the story. For a really quick example:

*Bullet*Her eyes were sparkling and she was smiling.
Some small changes to this such as 'Her eyes sparkled' could give the child a bit of help to picture it.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

A couple of very minor things:

*Bullet*"The kids would like me if I were beautiful and they'd all be jealous of my wings.
Just missing the end quotation mark on this sentence.

*Bullet*"No, I most certainly am not! Fairy...bah! The tiny king snorted, then continued.
Just missing the end quotation mark after 'bah!'


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a very good children's story with a wonderful message. Just the kind of stories I love for my daughter to read. *Smile* I look forward to reading more of your work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
103
103
Review of Dropoff  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Paradoxical Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

I love these kind of moments in time, and you have done an exceptional job of granting the reader a very intimate look at this one. A very enjoyable read, for sure.


Strengths

I loved the tone you used in this. I found it gentle and lulling while allowing for the mood to increase in anticipation. Nice work!

Your use of wording and imagery in this was wonderful. Considering that this is a fairly short piece, I didn't expect to lose myself in the rhythm of the words and sensations. You have managed to create emotion strong enough for the reader to feel and recognize as they read, as well as the route for them to 'feel' it as the characters do. Excellent!

The flow in this piece was smooth in an effortless kind of way. As I read through, I found the cadence almost poetic, rising and falling as the sensations did. Nice work!

The progression from beginning to end was quite smooth. There was only one part where I stopped reading to figure it out, and I have noted it below, but it may be that I was just being kind of slow. *Blush*


Things to Consider

I have a question. I found myself confused within the first two paragraphs, and I am going to try to show you why. It may be the way I am reading it is off, so that's why I'm asking. *Wink*

Lines of deep footprints lead up the steep incline behind, tracing their weary path. The part 'lead up the steep incline behind' tells me that they are at the bottom of the mountain, seeing the rising of the mountain behind them. Then the following section, But up there, they are free. Only pure, clear air lies ahead, stretching for miles. tells me that they are at the top. I think you used this as a transition, but on the first couple of reads, I just found it confusing. I wonder, if I'm right about this, if you might want to make the differences a little bit more clear. Just a thought, for sure, and like I said, I could be way off base. *Wink*


My Favorite Parts

Beyond a doubt, the imagery in this created a very compelling tone, and I wanted to highlight a few of my favorite spots. *Smile*

Beyond that people pack and bustle, herded like cattle between low metal fences, pushing just to hold position.
I loved the figurative language here. It granted me a view of the spectators instantly.

Weight shifts, and motion is established, flowing onwards in gracious arcs. Spray catches the eyes and cools the skin, drawing exhilerated gasps.
I could almost feel the spray on my skin. Very nice choice of wording here.

The slope begins to ease, and body with it, strain leaking from every muscle.
Again, I could feel the release in this sentence as the anticipation and exhilaration eased.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* Below them the ground dips steeply away,...
The words 'dips steeply' tend to tell rather than show because 'dip' is a gentle word, but when combined with 'steeply' it tells the reader that it is a large dip. Consider a more active word to increase the image, perhaps something like 'plunges'.

*Bullet*A fringe of trees marks the foot, with the road just beyond.
I believe the comma here is unnecessary because 'with' is acting as a subordinating conjunction.

*Bullet*Feet release, and step deeper than before.
Consider removing this comma. I think the sentence would flow a little cleaner without it.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a compelling, vivid, and exhilarating read. I look forward to reading more of your work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window. [E] or for items over 10 kb, try "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
104
104
Review of At the Dog Bar  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya!

I came back for another read. Great work on the edits. It read smoothly all the way through. If you do decide to lengthen this, let me know. I'd be interested to read it. *Bigsmile* I am revising my rating according to your changes.

~Joy
105
105
Review of Jerry  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Sharkdaddy Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. This is the third of three reviews that you won in "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Thank you so much for your generous support!


My Personal Impression

This was an emotional read. I think I am a bit more emotional lately anyway, but I found this piece delivered a series of emotions that all worked very well together. I could feel his awe and love of flying as a youngster, and then the pride he felt in being good at what he did in the army, and then the regret and loss of losing it all at a time when it was expected to be a routine mission. I think the emotional aspect of this piece came across very well. Nice work.


Strengths

The tone in this piece changed smoothly as the story progressed. In the beginning, I could sense the childlike awe and appreciation of the airplanes as Jerry learned about them from his father. I could see how he admired his father, and then after flying with him, it seemed there was even more of a connection.

The pacing as the narrative progressed through Jerry's life to the last mission was smooth and worked well. I didn't find it felt rushed, and I think the information given was all necessary to the theme. Good work.

I liked how the tone changed very subtly near the end as the reader begins to realize that the routine mission wasn't going according to plan. You used the effect of different sentence lengths to grant an edge of anxiety and suspense, and then just as quickly, you introduced the dead calm of realization. Excellent work. It allowed for the reader to be inside Jerry's head as his plane descended, leaving a lasting impression.


My Favorite Part(s)

Then Jerry felt the magic. It sang to him.

What a great transitory sentence. This took the reader from envisioning the plane they were in, to experiencing the flight itself. Excellent!

The two cylinder engine responded by replacing an uneven chatter with a frenzied clatter as all thirty-six horsepower struggled to move the cloth, tubing and wire beast down the runway.

Exceptional imagery in this sentence. I could see, feel, and hear the engine as it took off.


A Few Things to Consider

*Right*Consider separating the dialogue into separate paragraphs when there is more than one speaker for easier reading. For example:

You wrote:

“They call it a flying bathtub,” Reiny told Jerry while his father rotated the prop to clear the engine before starting. “I think it’s like a kite with an engine,” Jerry replied looking up at the yellow wing. When Reinholdt shouted, “Hit the switch,” Jerry knew exactly what he meant. There was only one.

My suggestion:

“They call it a flying bathtub,” Reiny told Jerry while his father rotated the prop to clear the engine before starting.

“I think it’s like a kite with an engine,” Jerry replied looking up at the yellow wing. When Reinholdt shouted, “Hit the switch,” Jerry knew exactly what he meant. There was only one.

It's a small change, but it allows the reader to see there is a change in speakers without needing the dialogue tags to inform them. It promotes the 'invisibility' of the tags.

*Right*The warm Sun bounced tiny heat waves off the ramp where the smell of aircraft fuel and oil mingled in the light Sunday morning breeze across the Scottsbluff Airport.
This is a great introductory sentence, but I wonder if adding 'as it wafted' before 'across' would grant it a bit smoother flow.

*Right*It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.
Since this is in italics, I am assuming it's meant to be a direct thought from Jerry. If it is, consider putting it into the present tense. Direct thoughts come across in a more personal and compelling way if they are in present tense.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*The warm Sun bounced tiny heat waves...
I don't think the word 'sun' needs to be capitalized here.

*Bullet*...while he poked around the Aeronca C3 aircraft checking each flight surface.
Consider a comma after 'aircraft' to show that the action 'checking' is being performed by the 'he' in the previous section rather than the noun which it follows.

*Bullet*The fifteen year old airplane,...
Consider: fifteen-year-old.

*Bullet*pulling the boys tightly together in the right seat of the two-place aircraft.
This is probably a difference in area of the world, but I wonder if 'two-place' should be 'two-seater'. Google spell check says it's not a word, but the dictionary says it is. *Wink*

*Bullet*Once on the runway Reinholdt edged the throttle forward.
Just consider a comma after 'runway' to show the introductory phrase.

*Bullet*Looking out the right side he saw the ground move ever faster, he felt the tail come up, the wind in his face and he watched the shadow on the ground start to shrink.
Consider a couple of commas here. First, one after 'side' because of the introductory phrase. Also, one before 'and he watched' because the last part is an independent clause.

*Bullet*Jerry retarded the throttle relaxing into the number four position of the loose trail formation.
Consider a comma before 'relaxing' to smooth the flow.

*Bullet*In the target area the flight set up a left hand circular pattern at four-thousand feet...
Consider a comma after 'area' to show the introductory element. Also, I think 'four-thousand feet' should have another hyphen between 'thousand' and 'feet'.

*Bullet*Flights in the south unlike North Vietnam were more controlled.
I found the flow here a bit choppy. Consider rewording slightly. For example: Flight in the south were more controlled than North Vietnam.

*Bullet*Disappointed with his first run because he had pickled high causing the napalm canister to sail beyond his aim point he was intent on making this run a good one.
Consider a comma after 'aim point'.

*Bullet*Turning toward the area still smoking from previous hits Jerry lowered the nose of the A-4 and pushed the throttle to one hundred percent power.
Consider a comma before 'Jerry' to show the introductory adverbial clause.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great read. I love how intense and deep your work is. Through reading a few of your items, I have found strong emotional themes to be in the forefront, and I think it's so great that you can give such a strong message each time. You have a real gift for setting the mood and pulling the reader through the experience with active language and emotional situations. I hope to read more of your work soon. And again, thank you for your very generous support of the auction! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
106
106
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Sharkdaddy Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. This is the second of three reviews you won in the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..


My Personal Impression

What an excellent read! I experienced so many emotions while I read this. I assume that I reacted more strongly because of life circumstances, but in all truth, you did an exceptional job of presenting this in a way that the reader could 'feel' what the narrator felt. The use of imagery and active voice made this pop off the page and come to life in the reader's mind. Excellent work.


Strengths

The tone in this piece was used so well to grant the reader the same sense of love and contentment that the narrator felt in regards to Grandma Roma and her small house filled with love. I found it reflective, gentle, and very personal. Right from the beginning it pulled me in and held me, gently moving me through the piece. It was much like sitting over a cup of coffee with a long-time friend, reminiscing about a loved one. An excellent atmosphere for the reader.

The writing flowed very well from beginning to end. The progression was smooth, and the structure was flawless. The opening paragraph introduced the personal voice right away and presented a clear image of the house for the reader. The tone began the wonderful progression as the reader learns about the house, the family, and best of all, Grandma Roma.

I loved the ending paragraph, and while it was sad, it wrapped up the piece nicely by allowing the reader to know the circumstances around the narrator's memories, as well as allowing the reader to understand why he would visit his grandma's land even once the house was long gone. A strong lasting impression.


My Favorite Parts

Twenty years later the little house vibrated with family cohesion as the center of activity.

Loved this sentence. It shows so well how important the grandmother was to everyone that even twenty years later, they all returned to be together. The imagery worked well to produce a vivid experience for the reader.

I sometimes tried to make out what the grownup chatter was all about, but when I looked around and saw that all the sisters were talking at each other, at the same time, I knew there was no way. No one ever paused to listen.

This was great! I don't think there's anyone anywhere that can't relate to this on some level. I laughed out loud as I read 'talking at each other, at the same time, I knew there was no way'. Excellent!

The place where the little house stood is hallowed ground.

A strong, emotional ending that leaves a lasting impression. Wonderful. *Thumbsup*

General Suggestions

*Bullet*I contorted around all the buckets, pots and pans placed to catch the disharmony of a hundred leaks that dripped from the ceiling.
I found this sentence to be a little less smooth than those around it. Consider saying 'a hundred leaks as they dripped...' or even 'a hundred leaks dripping' to smooth the flow just a touch.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Twenty years later the little house vibrated with family cohesion as the center of activity.
Consider a comma after 'later' to show that 'Twenty years later' is an introductory phrase.

*Bullet*For all of my cousins the house became the center of the ultimate playground.
Consider a comma after 'cousins' to show that it is an introductory element.

*Bullet*When there was a lull in the conflict outside we congregated around the heavy round dining table packed with enough food to make several meals for the thirty-odd men women and children.
Consider a comma after 'outside' to show the introductory adverbial phrase. Also, consider commas after 'men' and 'women' to show that it is a list.

*Bullet*Once when I was in college I decided I was too tired to drive...
Consider a comma after 'college'.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a thoroughly enjoyable read that I highly recommend. Vivid, compelling, and emotional. What more could a reader ask for? I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
107
107
Review of At the Dog Bar  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Sharkdaddy Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. This is the first of three reviews which you have won in the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Thank you so much for your very generous support!


My Personal Impression

This was a very good read. I became lost in the atmosphere of the Dog Bar & Grill easily. Excellent imagery! I would love to see this extended just a bit. When I got to the end of it, I felt as though I was left hanging, though even after going through it several times, I can't seem to pinpoint why. Perhaps it is due to the fact that there was no central point to direct the reader toward a theme. Anyway, it is something for you to ponder on. *Wink*


Strengths

The tone in this piece was well done to pull the reader in. I found it objective in the sense that the descriptions of the bar and the people within it were neutral, without any emotions being added in from the narrator, yet I could also sense a touch of nostalgia as though the narrator had been there countless times over the years. It allowed for a gentle mood where the reader could really absorb the active language and vivid descriptions. Nice.

The active voice was well done in this. By appealing to the reader's five senses through imagery, as well as emotions through the great description of the family with the two-year-old child, bikers, etc., you have created a memorable piece which allows the reader to lose themselves in the atmosphere of contentment that comes from the narrator as he/she experiences the people, or more specifically, the life around him. Excellent.

The flow of this was great. The sentences flowed well from one to the next, as did the paragraphs. The tense and point of view were both consistent and effective. *Thumbsup*


My Favorite Part(s)

On the deck, Christmas tree lights criss-cross under the rafters and the white plastic outdoor speakers play country music that cries out for someone to "mend my broken heart."

I enjoyed the active descriptions in this piece. This section is a great showing of how you managed to combine the use of the senses to provide clear images for the reader. Nice work.


General Suggestions

I'm not too sure about the choice of labeling this as an 'article'. I think that prose may garner more views for it, and since this isn't technically an article, it allows people to understand that it's unique. Also, the genre is at 'other', and while this is a hard to define piece of work, it will also suffer from few views in the world of 'other'. Consider some genres such as experience or family. The reason for this is because the items with only 'other' for a genre may be overlooked by those who search for items to read. *Smile*

*Bullet* Along the bottom it announces the location, Cuchara, Colorado.
I wonder if using a colon after 'location' may give this a smoother look. Either way is proper, so it's something for you to consider.

*Bullet*A credit card satisfies the bill and chairs scrape back across the board walk as the four adults make their way through the thinning crowd with the small girl in tow, waving goodbye to anyone who looks.
I wonder if you should clarify who is waving at the end. Consider 'who waves goodbye to anyone who looks' just to make sure the reader doesn't think the adults are also waving since they are also subjects in the preceding sentences.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*The blue circle with the dog in the center specifies big dogs, little dogs and the rainbow band across the center reads "Est. 1980."
The section 'specifies big down, little dogs and the rainbow...' confused me because I'm not sure about whether the the dog in the center specifies big and little dogs, or if there was something I missed that specified little dogs. You may consider clarifying that a bit more. Also, I wondered what kind of dog the dog in the center was. You may consider giving a more specific accounting of it to create a clearer image for the reader.

*Bullet*Christmas tree lights criss-cross under the rafters and the white plastic outdoor speakers play country music that cries out for someone to "mend my broken heart."
Consider a comma before 'and' because it is combining two independent clauses.

*Bullet*seat four adults and a two year old.
The words 'two year old' should be 'two-year-old'.

*Bullet*The two-year old stands in one of the chairs...
Same as above.*Wink*

*Bullet*"If you don't sit down next to your daddy, we'll have to put you in a high chair" She answers, "My daddy, si down."
There should be a period before the ending quote mark after 'chair'. Also, consider saying, 'The child answers' in order to distinguish between the two 'she's'.

*Bullet*The tall gray haired woman at the opposing table,
Consider a comma after 'tall' because 'tall' and 'gray-haired' are two separate and equal adjectives. Also, 'gray haired' could use a hyphen 'gray-haired'.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I found this to be a vivid and compelling read. Keep up the great work. You definitely have a gift for weaving words and creating something real for the reader to experience. *Thumbsup*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
108
108
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Marcia~I'm Home :) Author Icon !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Personal Impression

Wow. You know how to give a girl chills, don't you? Not the scary kind, either. As I read this, I felt chills from the pure emotion and understanding that reflected from each and every word. This was an amazing story of love and patience, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Strengths

First, I loved that you used your own voice in this piece. I could almost 'hear' you as I read this, and it felt so much like sitting down over a cup of coffee and talking among friends. A very inviting atmosphere for the reader to lose themselves in. Nicely done.

The theme in this piece came through loud and clear. We go through many hardships in life, whether they are financial, physical, or emotional, and you have shown here how these situations can be dealt with through love, understanding, and patience. Your son made the right choice because you were a strong mother and gave him the space and encouragement he needed to make his decision, and of course, the proper upbringing to begin with! This piece shows well how life can give you exactly what you need, even when you think something has gone awfully wrong. *Smile*


My Favorite Parts

Brandon has taught his daddy something I couldn't. I tried, but it took Brandon coming into his life for my son to learn the real meaning of unconditional love.

This was the pivotal moment for the theme in this story. Tears welled in my eyes as I read this. Children are so powerful, and they don't even know it!


General Suggestions

My only main suggestion here is to change the item type. This is listed as a "Short Story" but is really a piece of non-fiction. I think if you labelled it non-fiction, you would find a whole new range of reviewers and reviews. Many members here love non-fiction stories and essays, and these reviewers would not be as likely to read this labelled as a short story. Does that make sense?


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I noticed a few small things for you to consider. *Smile*

*Bullet* I should have known just from the day he was born,...
The word 'just' made me stumble here a bit. It is a passive word, and I don't think you need it to get the point across. Honestly, it is a much stronger sentence without it.

*Bullet*I got on my hands and knees and asked, “Heavenly Father, how I should handle this since I have been mom and dad to Andrew since he was born.”
Since you use quotation marks here, consider printing this as the question it would have been when you asked it. For example: "Heavenly Father, how should I handle this since I have been mom and dad to Andrew since he was born?"

*Bullet*Consider a small line break after the first section where you explain what the story is going to be about. It makes a separation between your voice and your author's voice. Some asterisks would do the trick. *Wink*

*Bullet*"No, Mom! I’m going near there!"
I think you're missing a 'not' after 'I'm'. It doesn't quite make sense otherwise.

*Bullet*but I’m telling you she won't talk to me." Andrew replied.
When following speech with a dialogue tag that explains 'how' they spoke, the period at the end of the dialogue should be a comma.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a thought provoking, emotional read. This is definitely something others should read and experience, even if they can't relate to it because it shows so well how love can endure and triumph.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
109
109
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hiya, ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams Author Icon!

I am more than happy to stop by with a review for your story "Moon Face (HM Twisted Tales Contest)Open in new Window.. I hope you find my comments useful. *Smile*


My Personal Impression

This story has wonderful potential. Wow. I just loved the foggy, dream-like atmosphere of the narrative as the reader follows Blondie through the years of her life when Moon Face always seemed to be just where she needed him to be. The theme came through clear and strong, and what a great theme! To make the realization that each and every wrong turn becomes a lesson in the road of life to teach us what we need to know. The supernatural element in this worked well. The way she could see, hear, and feel the other lives that came before her was compelling. Nicely done.


Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tense and point of view were both consistent throughout the story. The use of the first-person narrative worked nicely to pull the reader into the story on a personal and emotional level, allowing the reader to 'feel' what she felt as the story progressed. It made all of her experiences that much more distinct and believable. Nicely done.

The tone came across as tense and suspenseful right from the beginning. I could feel her sense of being lost in the world, as though no-one could understand her. It allowed a sense of dream-like wonder to paint each experience, both good and bad, bringing the reader that much closer to the action. It also worked well to compel me to keep reading.


Plot/Theme

The story progressed well from beginning to end. The information was revealed at an even pace, allowing the reader to understand the importance of each situation as the story moved along. I liked that you added her age at each interval, as well. It made it much easier to comprehend the passage of time. As I said above, the theme came through clearly. Nice work.


Characterization, Imagery, & Setting

The characterization of Blondie was accomplished through dialogue, narrative, and internal thoughts, as well as her reactions to the world around her. She loved to explore, even though the discoveries she made often threatened to drown her in sensation, and it seemed that she almost had no fear for the other worldly events that happened to her. From her interaction with others, I could sense her shyness, but not in the sense that she was scared to interact with others, but more as though she had no wish to. It produced a complex and vivid character in my mind. Her physical description came through a piece at a time, her hair color, size, etc. and it created a full picture in my mind without me even realizing it.

The imagery and setting were much less important in this story than the character. In a character driven story, the setting takes a back seat, and to be honest, I found it worked well. I found the descriptions to be just enough to give me a basic image without slowing down the pace of the action.


Readability

I found this story quite compelling. The only thing that slowed down the effect of grabbing and holding me without question was the use of passive phrases. I have included some suggestions on this below. I think creating a more active voice by removing passive verbs and replacing them with active ones would really enhance the enchantment of this piece. Don't get me wrong, it's good as it is, but I think you could take it to the next level with a bit of work. *Wink* one other quick suggestion is to reduce the size of some of the paragraphs. There were a few long ones that I think could be made into a few smaller ones to make it a bit easier on the reader.


Suggestions

*Bullet* I believe that higher forces and the good spirits gave me these special moments where I had to make a choice and I followed my heart - most of the times.
I had to read this twice to get the impact of it. I think you could increase the impact by using a bit different punctuation. Try ending the first sentence after 'choice'. Then start a new one with 'I followed my heart...'. I think doing that would give the reader the time to digest the importance of this section. Also, consider making 'time' singular.

*Bullet* I should have done something more, something else and I didn’t but I learned that mistakes are stepping stones to an evolving life.
Consider a comma before 'but' to show that this is a compound sentence. By that, I mean that the conjunction combines two independent clauses into one sentence.

*Bullet*Was it about holding books in your hands all the time that make others dislike you?
Consider making this first-person by using 'me'. For example, 'Was it holding books in my hands all the time that made others dislike me?'

*Bullet*a transparent crystal clear blue and I felt nausea.
Consdier, 'I felt nauseous'.

*Bullet*There was the spirit of a little girls who died in one of the houses.
Consider eliminating the 's' on 'girls'. I believe it should be singular.

*Bullet*One thing I noticed as I read this was that you use quite a bit of passive phrasing. Since the atmosphere is tense, I think you could really emphasize that and entrance the reader through more active wording. I have a few examples to show you what I mean. The main thing is to have the character drive the action, rather than the other way around. Using words such as 'was', 'were', etc. tends to 'tell' the reader, while eliminating them can help to 'show' the reader. For example,

It was so hot I couldn’t breathe when I came out of the air-conditioned car.
My suggestion: The heat scorched my lungs as I stepped out of the air-conditioned car. I couldn't breathe.

I was surrounded by children my age but they were skeletal looking, impatient and pale.
My suggestion: Skeletal children, impatient and pale, surrounded me.

I was suffocating. I was having a panic attack. I was lost in this mystifying archaeological place. I was forever lost in this ageless wisdom.
My suggestion: Air caught in my throat, denying me its life giving essence. My heart beat erratically as a panic attack gripped me. Lost, forever in the ageless wisdom of this mystifying archaeological place.

I hope you see what I mean. It allows the reader to more thoroughly experience it by 'seeing' it and 'experiencing' it rather than being told it happened.

*Bullet* While I walked down he dark little streets...
The word 'he' should be 'the'.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a very good read. I found it compelling, emotional, and intriguing. The thought provoking theme came through very well, and as a reader, it made me really think about how everything that happens in our life makes us into what we are, and how we have the power to control our decisions if we just take the time. If you decide to revise or edit, feel free to let me know. I would love to come back and re-rate accordingly.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Silent Witness  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Shelly Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Personal Impression

Wow, what a heavy story! I enjoyed reading this piece. The emotional impact was huge, and in more ways than one. Well done.


Strengths

The tone in this piece was solemn right from the beginning. I found myself wondering where it would go right away because the effective use of tone left me feeling loss and sadness before it hit full force. I loved how the tone deepened as the piece progressed, pulling the reader further into the emotion with each new development. Very well done.

The relationship between the two girls was non-existent, but there was just enough of a connection for the reader to understand why the main character felt so badly about how Terry was treated. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be at that age to decide what the right thing to do would be. On one hand, she knew what she should do, but she walked such a thin line of acceptance in the social system of her school that to stand up for Terry would have definitely brought her all the way down. At her age, I found it very realistic that she was too scared to take that leap.

The progression of the story was smooth from beginning to end. I was a touch confused in the beginning before I realized it was written in first-person, but I think that was my fault. I found the tense and point of view consistent throughout, and I think it was quite effective to allow the reader to see the world through the main character's eyes. It allowed the reader to see the impact of what happened to Terry a bit more than a third-person would have.

The ending was very well done. The emotion that came through Dana's outburst was compelling and vivid.


My Favorite Part

Her long unkempt hair served as a compassionate veil against the relentless teasing from the popular girls.

I really liked this description because it combined visual details for the reader as well as necessary information for the plot line without the reader really noticing it. Nicely done.


General Suggestions

*Bullet*Terry stuttered. “I… I’m sorry Mrs. Timbrook. It won’t happen again, I… I promise.”
Consider removing the tag here. Since the ellipses in the dialog shows that she is stuttering, the use of 'Terry stuttered' only adds telling to something that is already shown.

*Bullet* It was common practice for the class to hold their noses when she sat down and today had no exceptions.
Consider replacing the word 'had' with 'held' to give this a more active feel to it.

*Bullet*When two independent clauses are joined into one sentence with a coordinating conjunction such as 'and, but, for, so, yet, nor, or', a comma should precede the conjunction. Here is an example:

I began to sweat and I felt my face become flush.
Since both parts of this sentence could stand alone on their own, they are independent clauses. When combined with the conjunction 'and' they become a compound sentence. In such cases, a comma before 'and' would be appropriate.

*Bullet* Consider going through this to check for passive voice. I found a lot of uses of 'was', 'were', 'had', etc. These words tend to make a piece feel like it is being 'told' to the reader, rather than the reader experiencing it for themselves. I know some of it is necessary due to the fact that this was written in past tense, but many of the sentences could be rephrased to use more active verbs instead. Here is a great link that can describe it a whole lot better than I can. *Wink*

http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip1.html


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Sitting at her desk, in the classroom, she kept her face down.
I think taking out the first comma would grant this sentence a smoother flow. The section 'in the classroom' is an essential part of the sentence, so I think the first one could be taken out and remain grammatically correct.

*Bullet*Her long unkempt hair served...
Consider placing a comma after 'long' since 'long' and 'unkempt' are coordinate adjective.

*Bullet*I tried as she did; to think of what I would write.
I have two suggestions here. First, consider starting a new paragraph with this sentence. Next, the use of the semicolon here isn't correct because the second part isn't an independent clause.

*Bullet*I wondered… why does she put herself through this…why won’t she just get here on time.
Consider using a question mark at the end of this sentence.

*Bullet*“You're late again Terry. This is starting to happen more times than not.”
When a name is used as a direct address, a comma should precede the name. There are a few spots like this.

*Bullet*...for being able to get thru this moment that has been given to her.
I believe 'has' should be 'had' because this is in past tense, and I wonder if 'through' would be more appropriate than 'thru'.

*Bullet*It’s antiquated grandeur and fortitude would be...
The word 'It's' should be 'Its'.

*Bullet*Once it’s spiraling path is ascended,...
Same thing here. The word 'it's' should be 'its'.

*Bullet*Then, an out-spoken mean girl giggled and said. "Great we will be reading about...
The period after 'said' should be a comma since it is a dialog tag. Also, consider a comma after 'Great' to show that it is being used as an expression.

*Bullet*Dana was one the branded undesirables...
I think adding 'of' before 'the branded' would be appropriate here.

*Bullet*I walked that tight rope, for many years to follow. She was never given the chance, at least not in her short-lived years on this earth.
Consider removing 'at least not in her short-lived years on this earth' because it gives away the ending. Without that section, it would hint, but not tell. See what you think. I think the ending impact would be heightened just that much more without it.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a good read. The characters, plot line, and emotional connection for the reader were all very well done. I think a bit of editing and work on adding active verbs would help polish this up nicely. *Smile* If you decide to edit, please feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back to re-rate it accordingly.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Review of The Red Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Jake Heraty Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

This was an interesting first half of this story. After reading this far, I have to admit that I am curious to know what it said. *Wink*


Strengths

You used an intense tone to create suspense around the boy as he made his trip to the principals office. It came across clearly that he was the type of child to get into trouble often, so it intrigued me that everyone was so confused about the reason for him to be called there for a letter. The fact that he didn't open the letter before he got home showed that while he might have gotten in trouble at school on a regular basis, he was a pretty good kid. My twelve-year-old is a good kid, but I think even he would have opened it before he got it home to me! *Laugh*

The progression of the story was quite smooth, but since there is no ending, I can only comment on the build up. You ending was a great hook to make the reader want to know more. It left off at the height of the tension because the reader knows that his mom now knows what it's about, but both the boy and the reader are left clueless. I think it was even worse because she didn't show anything through the tone of her voice or facial expression.


General Suggestions

I would have liked to see a bit more as the story moved along. The sense of anticipation and suspense comes through well, but I found the descriptions a bit lacking in detail. Placing in a bit of detail about what the office looked like while he was waiting would help to show the progression of time without having to do the 'and then this happened, and then that happened' kind of thing. Here is a link that helped me to understand the concept of 'showing vs. telling'. Give it a read and see what you think. *Wink*

http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip1.html


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*“Zach, your attendance is need at the office.” Said Mr. Houston straight faced.
I think 'need' was meant to be 'needed'. Also, when a dialog tag such as 's/he said' follows dialog, it would be appropriate to use a comma and have the word 'said' in lower case. For example: "Zach, your attendance is needed at the office," said Mr. Houston...

*Bullet*Mr. Houston looked down at his pencil before the response.
Consider 'before responding' to give it a more natural flow.

*Bullet*He was thinking of an answer even my twelve year old mind could wrap that around.
I stumbled on this sentence a bit. Consider rewording for a smoother flow. Consider this: Even at twelve years old I could tell he was trying to think up an answer.

*Bullet*He was now staring at me smiling at me apologetically,
“I do not know Mr. Williams.”
This sentence is a bit passive due to the use of was. Consider flipping it around with an active verb to give the reader the ability to 'see' it. For example: He stared at me, smiling apologetically. "I do not know, Mr. Williams." I also added a comma before 'Mr. Williams' because any time a direct address is used, the name should be preceded by a comma.

*Bullet*I unfortunately hit the office quicker than I needed.
I wonder if 'intended' would suit this sentence better than 'needed'. See what you think.

*Bullet*He looked up at me and gave a fake smile,
“ How can I help you, son?”
When an action precedes or follows dialog, a period should separate them rather than a comma.

*Bullet*I believe the use of the word 'principle' is a little off here. I think the spelling you are looking for is 'principal' when indicating the principal of a school.

*Bullet*In Mr. Shaltin’s hand was a white envelope with in bold lettering:
The flow of this sentence is a bit off. Consider: In Mr. Shaltin's hand was a white envelope, and on the front in bold lettering, it read:

*Bullet*Mr. Shaltin put the letter on his desk and slid it across the desk to me.
Using the word 'desk' twice in this sentence is a bit repetitive. I don't think it's necessary to say he slid it across the desk since the reader will already know it was across the desk from the previous use of the word. Consider: Mr. Shaltin put the letter on his desk and slid it toward me.

*Bullet*The bell rang I ran out first through the gates...
Consider adding an 'and' before 'I ran out first'.

*Bullet* I was about to open it but my better judgment I stopped.
Consider 'but my better judgement stopped me'.

*Bullet*“Do you what it’s about exactly?”
I think there is a missing word here. Consider adding 'know' after 'you'.

*Bullet*She took it in her hands and took the scissors that she was using for clipping coupons and flipped the letter over. She then took the scissors and slid them open and sliced the back of the envelope open.
This seems like a lot of words to do a simple task. Consider trimming it down a little for a smoother flow. For example:

She picked it up and used the scissors to slice the back of the envelope open.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a good start to a mysterious story. I am on my way to read the second part now so that I can put this one mystery to rest for the night. *Smile* I think a bit of editing and additional descriptive details would really make this piece shine. I look forward to reading more of your work. Happy WdC Anniversary! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Red Phone  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya, LuisPadilla Author Icon!


I have stopped by your port today because I saw your review request posted in "Newbie Help & Support Writer's HideawayOpen in new Window.. I hope you find my comments helpful and encouraging. *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

I enjoyed reading this. I found it a whole new take on 'selling your soul'. The gradual increase of suspense worked well to keep me hooked and make me need to know what the end result would be. I also liked how you used the T.V. to show the character his past scene by scene.It enhanced the pacing well.

Strengths

The tone you used in this was intense and abrupt, letting the author know right from the beginning that a happily-ever-after was not in the cards for Dan. It worked well to trap me in the beginning by making me wonder what the man wanted. Dan's confusion only heightened the need for me to keep reading. If he didn't even know, then I figured it had to be something really big.

You did a good job of laying clues throughout the progression of the piece. Each scene served a purpose in the setting of the plot line, and as I look back over it, the progression was steady and smooth. It's one of those stories where the hints become clear as soon as the mystery is solved, yet the hints were abstract enough that I didn't put it all together too soon. Good work.

I feel that I got to know Dan's character quite well. His reactions to the man in the T.V were realistic. He felt terror, confusion, suspense, and even resignation a few times as he realizes that no matter how much he would love to go back to bed and forget everything, he had no choice but to see the situation through. His physical reactions seemed realistic too, but I wonder if perhaps moving around a bit more would heighten the increasing tension by showing his discomfort. He stays in the bed for the most part, but I think if it was me, I would have been jumping off to try and turn the T.V off manually, or maybe even cover it with a blanket. Not very reasonable, no, but I don't know that the reaction would be reasonable, especially considering that the man does things that aren't 'humanly' possible. For a regular guy, I think that would be very disturbing. Something for you to ponder on. *Wink*

I have to say, I loved the ending. You did a great job at delivering the final blow in a way that gave me that 'aha' moment. The last sentence left me knowing exactly what would happen next. Well done.


My Favorite Parts

As the teen returned on the screen, I realized the awful truth. Tonight my TV would not be fighting the terror of the dark. No, tonight it would be supplying it.

This was a great mood setter. It took the atmosphere from confused to eerie by providing a smooth transition for the reader. It also hinted at the fact that he suffered from mistakes he made in his past. Very effective.

The man returned on the screen only this time his hair was disheveled, his grin seemed more forced than usual, and his eyes were showing hints of redness.

This section worked very well to show the gradual changes in the man himself as the story progressed. He began completely composed, but as the story moved along, he became more and more unstable, showing the reader who or what he may be. Well done.


General Suggestions

My main suggestion for you is to do a slow reading of this out loud to yourself. Many of the errors I found below would be noticed if your eyes slowed down a bit when reading through. The thing is that as writers, we read our own work so many times while we edit that we often miss small errors because we are scanning more than reading. Believe me, I do it all the time! One other suggestion I have for you is to reduce the passive voice in this piece. Even though much of it is based on past events, the use of words such as 'was, were, had, could' etc. don't need to be used in order to set the tense, and they can often be replaced with active verbs which bring the scene to life for the reader. Here is a link to an article which explains it a bit better than I could if you are interested:

http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip1.html


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

Like I said above, many of these points are simple typos, so don't be discouraged by the list. *Wink*

*Bullet*...as I saw no base in which it connected too.
I believe the word 'too' should be 'to'.

*Bullet*I listened intently expecting to hear a response.
Consider a comma after 'intently' to smooth the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet* So I brought my eyes back to The TV.
The words 'brought my eyes back' are a bit passive. Since you are trying to build the suspense, I would suggest a more active verb than 'brought'. Perhaps something like: My eyes darted back to the TV.

*Bullet*...a reality based film per say.
The words 'per say' should be 'per se'. However, consider using 'if you will'. It seems to fit the sentence a bit better from my perspective.

*Bullet*My eyes were wide in terror.
Because this sentence is meant to instill suspense in the reader, consider reducing the passive 'were wide'. Consider: My eyes widened in terror. It is a bit more active, allowing the reader to 'see' it happen.

*Bullet*His hands were now stretched out. Both of his pointer fingers were pointing at the camera. Pointing at me!
You're going to get sick of me and passive voice, but these two sentences could give a much bigger impact if they were less passive. Consider: His hands stretched out and he pointed at the camera. At me.

*Bullet*“This is no dream Dan,”
When using a name as a direct address, a comma should precede the name.

*Bullet*“Oh you know me, and if you don’t. You will.”
Consider a comma in place of the period so the momentum of the sentence isn't interrupted.

*Bullet*“Oh your comedy won’t get you far,...
Consider a comma after 'Oh' to show that it is an expression.

*Bullet*Besides I’m not the star of this film, you are.”
Consider a comma after 'Besides' to show that it is a transitory word.

*Bullet* I would have shaved Ten minutes...
The word 'ten' doesn't need to be capitalized.

*Bullet* I would most likely come Into contact with other kids.
The capitalization of 'Into' isn't necessary.

*Bullet*And who can blame them?
Consider using 'could' instead of 'can' in order to maintain the past tense.

*Bullet*My white rebook sneakers where littered...
I think the word 'where' should be 'were'.

*Bullet*“Wow what a rush huh?
Consider some punctuation to make this more dramatic. For example: Wow, what a rush, huh?

*Bullet*“Oh come on Dan, your killing me here…
The word 'your' should be 'you're' which stands for 'you are'.

*Bullet*“Oh, it’s fun one Dan.
Consider adding 'a' before 'fun'.

*Bullet*As he placed his hands behind his head and plopped his feet onto his desk; the red phone floated by his right ear.
This semicolon should be a comma because the first part of the sentence is dependent.

*Bullet*I watched as my drunken walked into my room.
I'm not sure I understand this sentence. Do you mean he was drunk when he walked into the room? Perhaps you mean, 'my drunken self'?

*Bullet*“Your right, this all does seem a bit contrived.
The word 'your' should be 'you're'.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I enjoyed reading this story. You have a very good handle on story elements and character development, as well as intriguing and holding on to the reader. I believe that some careful editing and a bit more 'showing' would take this from good to great with little effort. If you decide to edit or revise, feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and re-rate it accordingly. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Review of The Presentation  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon!

I came across this piece on the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. page, and I thought it would be a perfect piece to review for one of my M2M reviews this month. *Smile*



My Personal Impression:

What an invigorating read! Truly, I was held tight as I read through this piece. The action flowed very well, and her heightened sense of panic worked wonders to keep me glued to the screen. A very enjoyable read.


Strengths

The introductory paragraph started this off with a calm tone, easing the reader into the story with effective imagery. It didn't take long to pick up speed once she realized that the sun was higher than it should have been. The tone became frantic and anticipatory as the reader becomes aware of the importance of the meeting. It worked very well to get the reader involved on a personal level and cause the reader 'feel' what she feels as she comes up against obstacle after obstacle.

I loved the offhand mention of her phone buzzing. It fit in with the details of how she was struggling to get ready on time perfectly without alerting me in anyway that it may become important at a later time. The tension intensifies as the story progresses through her running into her superintendent, her papers scattering, the car not starting, and so on. Each new problem causes the reader to groan as the suspense of her morning continues to build. It was very effective. *Thumbsup*

Meredith's character development was really top-notch. Her internal thoughts allowed for the reader to understand her on a personal level and feel her stress. I love that you used this tool to create a connection between her and the reader. It makes the whole situation that much more realistic, and it also creates more sympathy from the reader. Nicely done. I found her reactions believable as she keep running up against more issues. Another thing about her character that really touched me was her determination. Even though she was stressed and crying, she picked up her chin each time and pushed onward, even congratulating herself when something worked out.

The ending was simply priceless. I laughed out loud along with her as I realized what had happened. God wasn't really against her in the end, but rather trying to slow her down. Too funny! *Laugh*


My Favorite Parts

Speaking of which, she thought, adjusting her position as she bounced over a rough patch of road, I guess I forgot about cobblestone wedgies.

This sentence was a perfect way to lighten the mood a bit, giving the reader a break from the building suspense. Well done.

She took a deep breath and outlined a new plan of attack, reminding herself, "You're organized, you're together, and you're ready!"

This sentence was a great way to show her personality. The way she pulled herself together so quickly showed her determination well and allowed the reader to see she wasn't about to be bested.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have a few suggestions, most of which are minor polishing notes and were found on my second read.

*Bullet*Ms. Johnson is one of our rising stars and I've asked her here today to update you...
Since this is a compound sentence with two independent clauses, I believe there should be a comma before the conjunction 'and'.

*Bullet*She walked to the windows and began adjusting the blinds but she couldn't seem to get the room dark enough.
When the conjunction 'but' is used in a compound sentence, it should be preceded by a comma. I did notice a couple of spots like this throughout the piece.

*Bullet*She shot out the opening doors, she collided with Mr. Skinner, the building superintendant, sending him backwards and popping open her computer bag.
I stumbled on this sentence a bit. Consider fusing the first two parts of this sentence into one to smooth the flow. For example: She shot out the opening doors and collided with Mr. Skinner...

*Bullet*Meredith flet tears stinging her eyes.
Just a typo on the word 'felt'. One quick suggestion here. The word 'felt' is a telling word. You may consider making it a bit more active: Tears stung Meredith's eyes. See what you think.*Smile*

*Bullet*"Oh thank you, Mr. Skinner,"
Consider a comma after 'Oh' because it signifies an emotional reaction. Using a comma slows it down and shows the reader that the emotion is heightened.

*Bullet*She loved the feel of the morning air rushing by and it felt good to be doing something besides just sitting.
Consider a comma before 'and' because this is a compound sentence.

*Bullet*I've got ten minutes to get cleaned up and to the boardroom, she thought,...
The thoughts in this piece are shown clearly through the use of italics, all except for this one. You may want to add italics to keep it consistent.

*Bullet* "Yes Mr. Jenkins.
Just need a comma before the direct address.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, Ken. It was well written, compelling, and a whole lot of fun. I was impressed by the character development as well. I felt that I really got to know Meredith, and in a short story, that is not an easy thing to accomplish. Well done. Good luck with the contest. I am sure you will do well! *Wink*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

~Joy

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Review of The 4th Pillar  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Mimi Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I found this piece posted on "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Thank you for posting for us to read and review!*Smile*


My Personal Impression

I really enjoyed reading this! The flow of the piece was smooth, and I found myself trapped within the story right away. I love how this piece ended with a bit of hook, leaving the reader wondering who the heck Patia Trace is and what she has to do with anything. Nicely done. If this was a book in my hand, I would have turned the page to find out.


Strengths

I loved the tone used in this piece. I could sense the protagonist's personality well through the narrative, and her attitude came through in her dialogue and actions, allowing me to get a good idea of what kind of woman she was in a relatively short time. And, I have to admit, I just love a strong woman with attitude as a main character. *Wink*

The plot line was established well. The conflict between brother and sister was introduced in a natural way through their interaction with one another, and I think it was great that it was brought into the story so soon. It will act as a great sub-plot as they work to find their sister. The disappearance of the sister gave me the feeling that there is a whole lot more to the story which is great. It made me want to know more, and that will keep the reader turning the pages. Nicely done.

While the protagonist doesn't have a name yet, it didn't bother me because it was from her perspective. Her personality came through well, and I liked the conflicting attitude that her brother demonstrated. His came off more as arrogant, while hers was more grounded, granting the sense that she was sure of herself, but not to the point of being conceited.

The detail was just enough to allow the story to flow without hampering the action. Again, nicely done.


General Suggestions

This isn't really a suggestion, just something for you to keep your eye on as you progress with this. Editors and publishers tend to dislike adverbs ending with -ly when they appear too often in a piece. From my experience, I have been told that anything more than one every three hundred words is too much. The reason for this is that adverbs tend to 'tell' the reader something rather than 'showing' them through description or reaction. There were a couple places were two were used in the same sentence. In those cases, I would recommend that you eliminate one to decrease the effect of telling. This, of course, depends on your desire to be published as well. *Wink*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*the vigilant nerds in the tech department were unaware of the breech.
The word 'breech' should be 'breach'. Breech means the back end of something, whereas breach means to break through.

*Bullet*“Don’t touch me, you make me sick”, she hissed at him,
The comma after the quotation mark should be before the quotation mark.

*Bullet*her tall shapely figure swathed in satin,
Consider a comma between 'tall' and 'shapely' to show that they are equal adjectives.

*Bullet*“She looks like you”, he commented softly.
Same thing here as above. The comma should be placed before the quotation mark.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very strong start on what promises to be a great read. The plot line has massive potential, and it is evident that you have the writing ability to pull it off with style. I look forward to reading the next installment. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Review of Amsterdam  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, druid Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

This was an interesting read. I found the monotonous progression from the airport to the hotel almost hypnotic as I experienced Ru's thoughts and emotions on meeting Myra.

Strengths

The tone used in this was soft and gentle, allowing the reader to follow the progression of events in a semi-hypnotic state. Ru's thoughts and emotions come through well, showing the reader how happy and worried he was all at the same time. His actions spoke of a man so far in love that nothing could possibly upset him, and yet there were a few times of heart pounding fear because he knew it was possible that Myra might not even want to see him. I found myself involved with his plight right away, reading on eagerly to see what would happen.

The plot unfolded well as the reader followed him through the airport and on to the hotel. His predicament was revealed in increments, and I think it worked well to show the reader how he felt about the woman, as well as to provide some background exposition to show how long they had known each other.

The ending left me wishing I could turn the page to see what happened. Leaving it on a cliffhanger after working toward that moment for the entirety was frustrating for me, but a great move to hook the reader into continuing on. Well done.


General Suggestions

Consider using italics for internal thought, rather than quotation marks. It allows the reader to see that the thoughts are not open dialog before they even reach them. Something for you to consider.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* "Everyone looks so tired", he notes with a smirk and picks up his pace,...
The comma after the quotation mark should be before the quotation mark.

*Bullet* "bedankt"
This word should be capitalized. It's funny, but I actually knew what this meant. I didn't realize I retained any of the Dutch I learned as a child.*Wink*

*Bullet*...still with his suit bag strapped to it's front, glides by...
The word 'it's' should be 'its'. It's stands for 'it is', which doesn't fit in this sentence.

*Bullet*He reaches out to catch it but narrowly misses it, and chases after it,...
The word 'it' really stood out to me as I read this because it is repeated so many times. Consider this: He reaches out to catch it but narrowly misses and chases after it...

*Bullet* He smiles wryly amused at himself and heads off across the airport floor looking for a coffee stand.
Consider a comma after 'wryly' to slow the flow of the sentence a bit.

*Bullet*allowing the memories of his time spent online with her to relax him, and sooth away the nerves.
The comma before 'and' isn't needed because the last part of the sentence can't stand alone. Also, I think 'sooth' should be 'soothe'.

*Bullet*An announcing his name, the tall, blonde,...
I wonder if this was meant to be 'On announcing'.

*Bullet*There are several sentences that use '-ing' ending words over and over. Consider shortening the sentences a bit so that it is not necessary to use so many together. It tends to get repetitive after a while, and I think it causes the impact to lessen dramatically.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great start. It pulled me in easily, and I would love to see what happens with these two. *Bigsmile* Keep up the good work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Vignettes  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, mdw Author Icon!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Well, I normally use a template with different section headings, but since this is a series of vignettes, I thought I would comment on each one individually instead. *Smile*

Before It Explodes

The tone in this one was intense right from the beginning. It could have been leading up to just about anything, and the way you took it worked very well. You used some great imagery to convey the sensations of the time before the explosion, creating a love that was intense and irrational.

I have a couple small suggestions:

*Bullet*and your hands shake as if the Earths Teutonic plates...
I think 'Earths' should have an apostrophe to show possession.

*Bullet*...then her touch scalds my skin, as her laugh rattles my vertebrate like a rattle snakes tail.
Same thing here. I think 'snakes' should be 'snake's'.


Frozen Ground

Ah, this one worked well to produce the effect of what it would feel like to lose the one you love. I am enjoying the deepness of the emotion in these vignettes. This one touched more on what the after effects would be by showing the reader how it felt to lose a relative, then questioning what it would be like to lose your other half. Thought provoking for sure.

The only thing I noticed in this section were some sentences that could shortened to create more impact.

*Bullet*The one aspect that seeds through my mind is the look of that dead man’s hands, they looked as if they were already decomposed, with flat veins and a pure dark color of despair.
This sentence could be very intense if shortened up a bit, I think. Consider: The one aspect that seeds my mind is the sight of that dead man's hands--decomposed with flat veins and darkened by despair. See what you think.*Wink*

It Didn't Belong

The theme in this one is something that I think many readers would relate to, though the ending did seem a touch dark. In order to get what you want, you have to be willing to work hard. The dark aspect comes in with knowing when to give up. The imagery of the night sky as it darkened enhanced the message well.

You may consider going through this part and reading it out loud. I found a few sentences where additional punctuation would help to slow the reader in order to create more impact.

Why?

I know that I have often felt this way, and I know many people who have also. It is natural to question the world, to wonder why life has to be so hard sometimes. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings as it leads to a deep, hard depression if left unchecked. You expressed well the difference between the joy of having everything and the sorrow of just wishing for it.

I have one quick suggestion:

*Bullet*But Mostly having children someday to watch and help grow, and a great wife to last as long as I. To watch with her many moons pass, along with the sunrises...
The word 'Mostly' doesn't need to be capitalized, but also, I think perhaps a slight rewording would give it a smoother flow. Consider: But mostly for the hope of having children...

Fallen Apart

Ah, this one is full of tragic emotion as he is forced to move on without his love. The fact that his daughter reminds him of his deceased wife pulls at the heart strings because he has that constant reminder of what was lost.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

These vignettes all seemed to center around the same kind of emotion: loss. In each one, the emotion is just a bit different, allowing the reader to experience each stage of regret and sadness. Well done. I enjoyed reading this, and I hope to read more of your work soon. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review of The Letter Family  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, wdzamka Author Icon!

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My Personal Impression

What a cute piece to be used in a children's book! I stopped in because I have been having trouble teaching my son the alphabet, so when I saw this, I figured it was the perfect thing for me.*Bigsmile*

Strengths

The first thing I noticed about this was the comfortable rhythm. It was written in a way that would be easy enough for a parent to read often, and the auditory sound of the rhyming scheme works very well to trap the interest of younger children.

Since I have two sons under five years of age, I sat them down and read this to them. As soon as I was done they wanted me to read it again. That tells me something! I can hardly even get them to sit through reading a book with pictures let alone something they can't even look at.

Adding some fun pictures to this would certainly make it interesting for kids, and a whole lot easier for parents than drilling the alphabet day after day.

My Favorite Part

Excuse me Uncle B and Cousin C, I say
I come first I'm the letter A

As I read through this, I could just see a little girl with her hand on her hips saying, "I come first. I'm the letter A!" What a cute image!

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Excuse me Uncle B and Cousin C, I Say
I don't think the word 'Say' needs to be capitalized.

*Bullet*Oh look here comes D, E, F, G
There are three lines like this throughout the poem. I think adding an 'and' before the last letter would lend a smoother flow. Try it and see what you think.

*Bullet*Your before U & V
I think 'Your' should be 'You're' since 'You are' could be substituted for it.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a great educational tool for young children. I think adding some images to this would be the perfect way to finish it off. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Dreamtime  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, BrokenHHeart20 Author Icon!

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My Personal Impression

I really enjoyed reading this piece! I have found very few people in the world that have shown the astral plains in the way you have here. The explanations were very well done and coincide almost perfectly to what I have learned about them over the years. Great job on that! I have to admit, when I got to the end, I was a little sad it was over. I am assuming this is a piece of a longer story, am I right? I sure hope so. The ending left off with a great hook, and I would love to read more. *Smile*

Strengths

The beginning paragraph did its job well and pulled me into the story. It introduced the scene well with a touch of suspense and a bewildered tone. Instantly, I knew the character was confused about where she was and why, and it made me need to read on to find out. Nicely done.

The characters came through very well. The main character, Michelle, came across as strong, but her limited knowledge on the subject of plaining was enough to give her an edge of vulnerability. I liked that. It shows complexity of character, which translates into a realistic character. Her boyfriend, Hideki, began to comfort her right away which showed me how he felt about her, and his excellent explanation of the dreamtime gave me the impression that he had worked with the plains before.

I wasn't so sure about Shao Len's personality. She presented herself well, but there was a sense of mystery around her. I wonder how she knew so much about Michelle and her past experiences. It worked well to intrigue me.

The dialog flowed well, and I had no trouble determining each character's voice. Each one of them spoke just a little bit differently to show their individual personalities, reducing the need for excessive dialog tags. Well done.

The scene moved along well from beginning to end. There was no sense of lagging even during the explanations. You kept the scene moving as she learned about the astral plains and began her lesson under Shao Len's direction. The ending was wonderful. It left me wondering who the heck was coming and why, and if I'd have been holding the book, I would have surely turned the page to find out why.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* I was clad only in the underwear I was wearing when I went to bed.
The double use of 'was' in this sentence made it feel quite passive. Consider substituting 'wore' for 'was wearing'. I think it would give it a bit of a more active feel to it.

*Bullet*He shrugged. “Beats me.“ he answered. “The last thing I remember is falling asleep beside you. And then ending up here.” he glanced at the swirling fog, still rubbing his own arms.
A couple of things here. First, I don't think 'he answered' is needed because we already know he is the speaker due to him shrugging. Also, when an action follows or precedes dialog, it should be its own sentence, so 'he glanced' should be capitalized.

*Bullet*“You’re in the dreamtime.” a female voice spoke faintly in the distance.
When the sentence following dialog is a tag such as this that explains how they spoke, a comma at the end of the dialog before the quotation mark would be appropriate. Here is a link that shows punctuation for dialog, just in case you are interested. Dialogue Punctuation  Open in new Window.

*Bullet*You don’t recognize it?” Shao Len prompted.
Just missing the opening quotation marks on this one.

*Bullet*Consider placing her internal thoughts in italics so the reader doesn't become confused since the narrative is in first-person past tense and the thoughts are in present tense.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great read. It did a great job at pulling me in, making me love the characters, and intriguing me to read on. Keep up the great work! *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Two Mothers  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Pat!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*


My Personal Impression:

Ah, what a beautiful tribute this is to moms! I love how you have touched on a topic here that so many people are afraid to talk about. Adoption is a touchy subject at best, and while I wasn't adopted, I did have two moms when my own mother was unable to care for me. I have often told them both that without both of them, I wouldn't be who I am today. This piece made me think about that, and it also showed me the concept from a different point of view. Well done!

Tone/Mood

The tone was soft and sincere, allowing the reader to become caught up in the emotion right from the first two lines. I found the mood came across as loving and thoughtful as the piece progressed, ending with sincere gratitude. Such a wonderful sentiment to be associated with the topic of adoption.

Form/Rhyme/Flow

The form in this poem worked nicely. The rhyming scheme was consistent, and the addition of punctuation allowed for a smooth rhythm as I read this out loud. I had no trouble with maintaining a good cadence. The word choices were effective in producing the desired meaning as well as supporting the smooth flow. I didn't stumble once.

Suggestions

Honestly, I have no suggestions for this wonderful piece. I found no errors at all. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem, Pat. The meaning and emotion were both very clear, and the way they were expressed was eloquent and compelling. A job very well done indeed. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Maryann!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression:

This was so much fun to read! I was reminded of myself about 5 years ago. I knew how to run a computer, but I was scared spitless of the internet. I had no clue how to even get online! Thank goodness for family. *Bigsmile*

Strengths

I loved the tone you used in this piece. Your personal voice came through very well, allowing the reader to immediately connect with you on a casual, informal basis. I think it worked well to put the reader at ease and allow them to relate to your story. For me, I could relate to the feeling of uncertainty you felt when you started with email. I had heard so many horror stories about viruses and people who weren't who they really were that I was almost too scared to try it out at all. I think the main thing that pushed me to do it was that I didn't want my kids to know more about the internet than I did! *Laugh*

The structure of this piece was wonderful. Each paragraph led into the next, making for a smooth and enjoyable read.

My Favorite Part

I had always depended on my husband and my children to get information from the computer for me whenever I required it.

I had to laugh when I read this because I did the same thing! I would call my sister and ask her to do what I needed done. I think maybe that's why she insisted I learn. *Wink*

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I didn't notice anything out of place! Good work. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. The personal voice you used in this made it feel like we were visiting over a good cup of coffee. Keep up the wonderful work. It is always a pleasure to visit your port! *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, breshke Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Personal Impression

Ah, what a cute twist! I really didn't see it coming at all. The build up toward 'the question' was done well to lead the reader down a completely different road than what the two of them ended up on. Nicely done. *Smile*

Strengths

The storyline in this piece was handled very well. I found myself pulled along through Jess' day as one wrong thing after another seems to befall her and Peter while they are on an impromptu hiking trip. You started off with an aggravated tone from Jess' perspective when Peter wakes her up to go hiking, and it set the mood well for the coming dilemma's they faced as the day wore on. I have to admit, I felt bad for Peter. It was evident early on that he had taken her out for a hike in order to ask her something important, and like most readers, I assumed he wanted to propose.

You did a great job at adding small details that seemed to support this assumption, effectively steering the reader down the wrong path. The twist on the end when he finally reveals his question was well done. It caught me by surprise, and I couldn't help but laugh. Nicely done.

The use of internal thoughts allowed the reader to see their individual points of view, and I think it worked well to show the reader a bit of their personalities as the piece wore on. I'm not too sure about how the point of view changed from one to the other since it confused me a bit to switch back and forth, but I can see why you used both perspectives. I do wonder though if the reader might obtain a stronger connection to one or the other if only one perspective was used. Something for you to consider, I suppose. *Wink*

My Favorite Part

Peter couldn’t help but notice the odd looks Jess was giving him—he knew that he was acting stranger than usual, but he couldn’t help it. He was about to ask her one of the biggest questions a man could ask a woman, and he was nervous!

I enjoyed this section because it did such an effortless job of convincing me as a reader that he was going to propose, simply because of what it seems to say. Nicely done!

General Suggestions

I have two quick suggestions for you that I believe would enhance this piece. My first suggestion is to reduce the amount of passive voice used. By this, I mean the use of the word 'was' and 'had'. These words are forms of the verb 'to be' and can tend to create a passive voice when used often within a story. It creates the effect of 'telling' the reader rather than 'showing' the reader what is happening. While this is not the only way to enhance the showing effect, it is one of the easiest to remedy because the passive 'was' can be replaced by more active verbs to create a more active feel to the story.

Also, my other suggestion is to add a bit more detail in regards to the appearance of the characters and surrounding area. I feel like I would have loved to know what they looked like. Using some creative imagery of the area could also enhance the experience for the reader. *Smile*

Here is a really great link that I have used often in the past while as I work on this aspect of my writing. Perhaps it will be of some use to you as well.

Article on 'Showing'  Open in new Window.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*...thought Jess angrily to herself,
Consider eliminating 'to herself'. Since it has already stated that she is thinking, the 'to herself' seems a bit redundant.

*Bullet*Normally she wouldn’t have minded going on hike through the woods,...
Consider adding an 'a' before 'hike' to smooth the flow.

*Bullet*Just as he opened his to ask her the question that would change both of their lives forever,...
I think you're missing a word after 'his'.

*Bullet*Or at least a clearing away from all these trees.” He shouted while protecting his face from the icy rain.
Because 'he shouted' is a dialog tag, the period after trees should be a comma, and the 'He' should be in lower case. I noticed a few errors regarding the punctuation around dialog in other areas as well. If you would like, I have a few great links that can help to explain the rules for this.

*Bullet*A little while later they came across a dilapidated cabin, with a partly torn down chimney.
The word 'with' is being used as a subordinating conjunction in this sentence, so the comma isn't necessary.

*Bullet* Peter strode over to the front porch, and loudly banged on the door.
The comma before the conjunction 'and' isn't needed here because 'loudly banged on the door' cannot stand alone. A comma is only needed before coordinating conjunctions (and, but, so, for, yet, nor, and or) when it is being used to combine two independent clauses. There are a few other areas like this as well.

*Bullet*Oh wait, there’s a hole on the ground...
I think perhaps 'on' should be 'in'.

*Bullet* Peter mumbled, “Well who woulda thought,” and closed the door behind them.
Since the section following the dialog is an action, the comma should be a period, and the following section should be it's own sentence. Or you could place it all together after the dialog. Consider something like: "Well, who woulda thought," Peter mumbled as he closed the door behind them.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. The story flowed well from beginning to end, and the twist on the end was nicely executed to surprise the reader. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya, SK Thomas Author Icon!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. I found this piece posted on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window.. Thank you for posting for us to read and review.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression

I really enjoyed this teaser. I was quite intrigued by the plot development so far.

Strengths

While this was very short, it grabbed me and left me wanting more. I enjoyed the dark tone. There seemed to be an undercurrent of amusement from Apollyon as he carried out his duties. I found his personality came across quite clearly even though I didn't get to see much of his internal thoughts. The narrative and the dialog had the same edge to them, and I found it intriguing.

The dialog, though one-sided, was natural and flowed well. His speech seemed realistic for the kind of person he was. The thing I liked the most about his character was that he didn't seem all dark. His sense of humor came out through his spiel while he was waiting for the old man, and I sensed that there is much more to him than what has been shown in this section.

My Favorite Parts

*Bullet* Apollyon tucked the coins into his coat pocket, then tapped the old man on his forehead, “C'mon pops, I ain't got all night.”

This was my favorite part because it gave the reader a look at him in a very human light. His impatience showed that he has some sort of human emotion, and I found it interesting.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*...but in the Greek tongue hath his name Apollyon”
Just missing the end punctuation before the quotation mark.

*Bullet*the smoke rising from the burning cigarette at the corner of his mouth enveloped his face, his eerie red eyes glared brightly in the dark night.
Consider adding the word 'and' before 'his eerie red eyes' to smooth the flow.

*Bullet* The elderly man now lying on the ground, had ended up an easy target for a group of gang members, who stabbed him to death as part of their initiation rites.
When I read this, I found the commas interrupted the natural flow of the sentence. It is my opinion that it flows much smoother without them. See what you think.

*Bullet* The old man followed slowly behind him, as they crossed the dark street towards a black 1960 Cadillac Eldorado,...
The comma before 'as' isn't needed in this sentence because 'as' is acting as a subordinating conjunction.

*Bullet*I have one general suggestion. While the beginning dialog works well to set the plot line, it left me floundering for a minute or two because I couldn't visualize the speaker. Once the description of him came in, I had no trouble at all. You might consider bringing the description in a little earlier to help the reader along a bit. See what you think.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I think this is a good, solid start for this story. Just from reading this section, I am eager to read more. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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123
123
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, The warlock Author Icon!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. I found this piece on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window.. Thank you for posting for us to read and review!
*Smile*

My Personal Impression

This was an interesting poem. I have to say that I agree with the concept of this piece in every way. In order for their to be a balance of emotion, there must be both positive and negative. The way I think of it, if everything is positive, one would begin to lose the ability to be happy. When sadness is presented, it shows us the contrast, which allows us to feel the full spectrum of emotion. It sounds a lot easier to explain in my mind than it does when I'm typing, but this poem definitely sums it up well.


Strengths

There were a few things about this piece that really popped out at me. First, the color scheme you used to show the emotions was really great. You used a different color for each one, allowing the reader to associate not only with the written word, but with the visual effect of color, as well. Nicely done.

I enjoyed the pattern caused when I read this piece out loud. The syllable count within each stanza was consistent, and I found that each stanza flowed well into the next without any sense of stumbling or pause. The rhyming scheme was good, and the words were chosen well to present both meaning and auditory effect.


My Favorite Parts

From one emotion,
To another,
One cannot be,
Without the other.

This stanza was my favorite because it brought it all together. It showed how there can be no one emotion all by itself--that it takes a full range to create the whole.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I found no errors in this piece. *Thumbsup*


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a good read. Short and simple, but with a big message. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window. for items under 10 kb

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124
124
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, Shelly Author Icon!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

I found this piece posted on "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Thank you for posting for us to read.

My Personal Impression:

Ah, this story left me smiling, for sure. This was a wonderful accounting of a fond childhood memory. I had to laugh out loud at the last line. Well done! *Smile*

Strengths

The tone in this was gentle and fun. I found the emotions of the little girl came through well, allowing the reader to feel what she felt as the situation progressed. I was rooting for her as I read, and that tells me that I became emotionally involved with the character, which can only be a good thing.

The story progressed at a constant rate, never lagging for long, and always pulling the reader on with the promise of what was to come. I found myself eager to see if she would win or not, and what sort of lesson would be learned. To be honest, I didn't expect her to win, so I was thrilled when Old Whiskey pulled out his can opener for her. He was her ace in the hole. *Wink*

The imagery was fantastic, showing the reader the area as they fished. It allowed me to feel like I was a part of the story as it unfolded. Nicely done.

My Favorite Part

Ah, the last line has to be my favorite. I don't want to put it here to ruin it for anyone who might read this, but it left me with a huge smile and a feeling of contentment.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I didn't notice any errors in grammar or punctuation. *Thumbsup*

I just have a couple of small suggestions. Consider taking a read through and see if you can cut back on the passive voice a bit. For the majority, it works very well, but there is always room for active voice when explaining actions. Also, consider placing her direct thoughts in italics to make it easier for the reader to recognize.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great read. It definitely brightened up my day. I loved the mood that was set as the scene progressed through the use of the girl's thoughts and actions. Well done.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window. for items under 10 kb.

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125
125
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Zoe Author Icon!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

I found this piece posted on "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

My Personal Impression

To be honest, I was held tight from beginning to end. This was one of those items that I read front to back without stopping to jot down notes the first time through. *Smile*

Strengths

Your introduction paragraph did a nice job of pulling me in for the read. The great descriptions of her awaking to find herself bleeding and hurt felt realistic, and right away I felt like I needed to know what had happened to her. Nice work.

I liked how you used facts such as how her breathing echoed to show where she was when the ability to use her eyes wasn't available. The senses can tell a reader so much. You may consider adding in the smell of the area, as I think that waking like she did without sight might cause her to take note of that as well.

I was impressed with the flow of the dialog throughout this piece, especially when she was conversing with 'Bad Boy'. There was great chemistry between them in the way they bantered at the university, and I was happy to see that he was with her also in the warehouse. Not so much happy that they were taken, mind you, but at least she would have someone strong to keep her stable and realistic.

Saige's character was realistic to me. I found her desire to go to medical school palpable as she waited to hear the verdict of whether she got in or not, and her reaction was natural when he told her she was accepted. I laughed out loud at his reaction when she hugged him. Too funny! The poor man didn't know what to do with himself. *Laugh*

The introduction of the 'voice' was both compelling and horrific, and it kept me glued to the screen. It was evident by the way the voice punished the boy trying to get out that he wouldn't be playing games with them, at least not the kind where they get a chance to escape.

The plot line was compelling. I found it very interesting that there were only younger people taken by this person, and I wonder at what that means. He claimed to know each of them, including their personal details, and that really piqued my curiosity. It tells me they were chosen for something... but what? That question is what keeps the reader turning the pages. Well done.

My Favorite Parts

Although Saige was beyond terrified, there was something distinct in every one of those voices.

Fear.


I loved this section right at the end of the first part. It left me hanging, wanting to know what was going on even more than before. Well done!

“Oh. My. God!” Saige probably just destroyed her well worked self image by the way she very unattractively squealed and threw her arms around the Headmaster.

This part really jumped out at me because it showed me a bit of Saige's true personality and desires. Her need to go to school came through in this part, showing the reader just how important it was to her, and in turn, showing just how focused she could be on something she wanted.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*...her lunges queezing out an uneasy pant of breath.
I think this was meant to be 'her lungs squeezing'.

*Bullet*The dark only added to her fear, helpless tears streamed down her face.
This sentence felt off as I read it. I wonder if adding 'and' before 'helpless' would smooth the flow. See what you think.

*Bullet*The pure white walls felt like a cage to her, the room to high of a temperature.
I think the word 'to' should be 'too'.

*Bullet*With a few more deep breathes,
I believe 'breathes' should be 'breaths'.

*Bullet*playing with loops in her ears.
Consider adding 'the' before 'loops'.

*Bullet* “You finished first in your from?” he asked.
I don't quite understand this question.

*Bullet*I just drooled all over that guy; he must think I’m a freak
Just missing the end punctuation on this sentence.

*Bullet*“Hallelujah! She has a conscious!” he mocked.
I think 'conscious' was meant to be 'conscience'.

*Bullet*It sounding like a good twenty people were there,
Consider 'sounded'.

*Bullet*The same questions repeated over and over again, with the same non giving answers.
Consider 'empty answers'.

*Bullet*“Ugh s***. What was that for!” a male voice complained, already released her.
Consider a comma after 'Ugh'. Also, I think a question mark should be used because this is a direct question. One last thing, 'already released her' doesn't fit with this sentence. Consider saying 'releasing her'.

*Bullet*The place is sealed to bone.
I think this may be a difference in the areas we live, but this doesn't quite make sense to me. Is it a figure of speech?

*Bullet*A chocked sob fell from the English girl’s throat,
I think 'chocked' should be 'choked'.

*Bullet*Saige couldn’t move, could barely breath.
I think 'breath' should be 'breathe'.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed the beginning of this story. I think you did an excellent job at setting the mood for the book, as well as starting off with strong, realistic characters that allow an emotional reaction in the reader. The plot line seems solid so far, as well, and that is just as important as the characters. Well done. The grammar and spelling issues I found were all quite minor, and I think a read through would show you most of them yourself, so I didn't take much off the rating for that. All in all, very well done. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window. for items under 10 kb.

Check out our new Shop! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

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