Hiya, Brockers !
I stopped by your port today because you were kind enough to send me a review, and I wanted to return the favor.
I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
This was an impressive first chapter. The read was very smooth for the most part, and I found the political details described in a way that I could understand. I am not a very political person, to be honest, and I was a bit worried that this would be above my head. While there is a lot of information in this first chapter regarding the political set up, and I can see that you know your facts regarding politics, I wasn't confused by it at any time. I think this is important because it has to be understandable to all classes of people. You have managed that. Well done.
The tone was consistent and clear right from the beginning. I found the mood to be solemn and resigned with a healthy dose of mystery. I think it worked well to show the reader just how well loved Ethan Brooks was while also interesting the reader in knowing who did it. The party he formed was definitely a 'for the people' kind of party, and he managed to create a large following. I think this was a smart move in this story. It gives the reader something to relate to, regardless of where they are from. I don't know anyone who is happy with 'government' at any given time, and the thought of a regular guy making a difference is something that will interest many.
The plot line seems to be strong so far. Ethan, a well loved political figure, was assassinated, and now the other parties, as well as the remainder of his own party must find a way to continue his dream. Also, since his death was murder, there is definite intrigue as to who did it. I look forward to exploring the possibilities.
Daniel Campbell came across as self-assured with a stubborn streak. He definitely has his own views on what is and isn't acceptable in politics, and though he displays a proper amount of upset over Ethan's death, it was more in regards to the mess it made of everything rather than any personal emotion. Mike, on the other hand, came across as properly grieved over his friend's death. He stood up to calm the people down which I found admirable. His emotion came across as genuine, but I haven't discounted him as a suspect, either. Part of the reason I like these kinds of books is the mystery of it all.
The dialogue between characters was realistic and flowed well. I became involved in their conversations easily. The only piece of dialogue that felt a little forced was the mother's statement, but I think that could be just because I didn't get a feel for her character first.
I have a few suggestions. They are mostly minor suggestions for you to take or leave as you see fit.
General Suggestions
Consider giving this item a content rating. When there is no rating, it will not show up on the main WDC pages, which will mean fewer reviews.
This item type is set as 'Critique'. I suggest you change this to 'Chapter' in order to gain more reviews.
In the fourth paragraph, there is a long section of dialogue from Campbell. Consider inserting a few actions to break up the monotony of the speech by showing the reader the scene as he speaks. It could be something as simple as him smoothing his hair or looking at a piece of paper.
There was a game of one upmanship between the two.
This is personal opinion, but I think this statement is too blatant. The fact that they seem to try to one-up each other is something the reader could determine for themselves without the need to read it directly. The fact that he was repeating news already known indicates such a situation, and one or two more times of it between them would give the reader this understanding in a more active manner. Something for you to consider.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.
into a conference room in ten Downing Street.
I think that 'into the conference room at ten Downing Street' would flow a little easier.
These assassins left nothing to chance, according to the police a total of two hundred rounds hit the car.
Consider breaking this up a bit for more impact. For example,
These assassins left nothing to chance. According to the police, a total of two hundred rounds hit the car.
I placed the comma after 'police' to show that 'According to police' is an introductory phrase. I also think this gives the first statement more punch.
After two years of canvassing the public in Sussex and donating money received to worthy causes aimed at improving life for its citizens, calls had been made for Ethan to start a political party, now called the Positive Revolution Party.
I had to read this several times to get what it was saying. I think perhaps it is just too long. Consider breaking it up a bit for easier reading. For a quick example,
After two years of canvassing in Sussex and donating the money to worthy causes, calls had been made for Ethan to start the Positive Revolution Party.
I think the other details could easily be woven into the narrative a little at a time.
He had lived fairly comfortably.
Consider dropping 'fairly'. The use of two adverbs back to back seems almost repetitive. I think perhaps a stronger word could be used in its place. Perhaps 'quite' or something along those lines.
his mum and dad, brother and sister-in-law, their two daughters and Ethan’s sister and brother-in-law and their two sons.
Consider substituting a comma for the 'and' before 'Ethan's sister'. Since this is a list, I think only the last items should use an 'and'.
In Conclusion
All in all, I think this was a very strong first chapter. The main characters were introduced well, the intrigue was set, and the reader was left wanting more. Good work! I look forward to reading chapter two.
Happy Writing!
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