I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
This was definitely an interesting read. One quick question, just out of curiosity. Are you planning to make this an article, or is it the basis for something else? It seems to me that this subject would allow for quite a bit of exploration, for sure.
The tone you use to convey the information about Mercenaries was full of energy. I could feel the conviction behind the words, the desire the author had to make people understand the subject from their perspective. The arguments presented all had great merit. I could definitely see how soldiers and ex-law enforcement could find themselves living as a mercenary if they feel they have been discarded by the very country or community for which they risked their life over and over.
I believe that adding some facts in with this would create an even heavier impact on the reader. For those of us who have family and friends that served, it is easy to see that the statements in this piece are true, but for those who have never been around such people, it may not be as understandable. I think that if you were to add some actual statistics to this, it would have a larger impact on those people.
I could easily detect the emotion in this piece. Because it came directly from the author's perspective, it was felt strongly through the sentence structure and use of personal references. If creating this as an opinion piece, that is definitely a good thing. It draws the reader in on a more basic level, reaching out to their emotions for understanding.
I have some technical suggestions, they are as follows.
Suggestions:
You use the semicolon quite frequently through this. Semicolons should be used when linking two dependent sentences which are connected by the same idea. I found some areas in this where they were used when not necessary. A few quick examples, just to show you what I mean:
They arrive; like you and I, mere babes.
Here, a comma would suffice because it is only one sentence.
Only time will show whether their choices in life will bend and sway; sending them along the path where the label mercenary will be the defining persona of who they may be.
Here, the semicolon actually cuts off the sentence because 'sending them along...' is a part of the previous sentence. A comma would do nicely in its place.
The end punctuation is missing on the second paragraph.
But for many its survival.
The word 'its' should be 'it's'.
Trained, skilled in such ways that the general public, have or wish not to fully know or understand.
Consider rephrasing this just slightly to increase the flow. The area 'have or wish not to fully know or understand' doesn't quite work because when you removed 'or wish not to', which is an added element, the sentence doesn't make sense. Consider something like, 'skilled in such ways that the general public have no wish to know or understand.'
For me; I see that once their time whether it be within the military or law enforcement draws to an end.
The structure is just a bit off here. When I read this out loud it doesn't quite make sense. Consider, 'For me, it is when their service for the military or law enforcement draws to an end.'
Its here, that choices are made.
The word 'Its' should be 'It's'. Also, the comma before 'that' is unnecessary.
...skills of little use with in the general society?
I believe that 'with in' should be 'within'.
The use by date now marked expired.
I'm not sure if this is just a difference in how I say things, but I had to read this sentence over a few times to understand it. Perhaps 'best before date' would make it a little clearer?
Many choose the path for they have no other way , no longer able to fit back in the general population.
Consider adding 'they' before 'no longer', as well as using a semicolon in place of the comma.
They do not know or are unable to step back in the general community..
I stumbled here a bit. Consider, 'They do not know how, nor are they able, to step back into the general community.'
... with all its conortations.
The word 'conortations' has an 'r' where it shouldn't be.
In Conclusion
I enjoyed reading this piece. It was intense and compelling, and I think that with some editing to improve the flow, it will be an amazing read. Thank you for sharing this.
Happy Writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Looking for reviews? Request a review here!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
|
|