Hello IdaLin Thank you for sharing your writing here on W.D.C. Today, I'm delighted to take a look at "Unexpected Gift" as one of my member-to-member reviews for March.
In this review, I share my feelings about what I read. My observations are made with the best of intentions, but please remember that they are just the thoughts of one enthusiastic reader. Feel free to disregard anything you find unhelpful.
Thoughts and expectations from the title:
Short, simple and it 'does what it says on the tin'. I wonder whether it might be possible to hold on to the mystery a little more by just calling it 'The Parcel'? Just a thought!
How do I feel about the main protagonist?
There is something very gentle about her. Her words and her movement are all very low key, subtle you might say, and this made me feel kindly towards her from the start. I'd like a little more detail, just a few token additions to give me that bit extra to get a hold of. Maybe the colour of her slippers or the repositioning of the glasses she keeps on a chain around her neck...something that makes her even more appealing and also a little more concrete.
How do I feel about the pace and flow?
I wondered whether the on-going use of dialogue with her cat slowed the pace a little. I'm not sure, and you may completely disagree, but there were a few sections where I felt the dialouge didn't feel quite so genuine, like they had been added for the purpose of communicating something with the reader as opposed to something that would naturally flow from the character herself. For example, in this line here:
"Miriam opened her letter-box with her key, and exclaimed, "Look here, Liza! We have a key in our box. That means we have a package. Wonder what it could be?"
I wondered whether the same messages could come across just as effectively (and perhaps in a more action oriented manner) without having to resort to conversation. For example:
'Opening her letter-box, she reached in and retrieved a small, brass key. She let it sit in her palm a moment. Who could have sent a package? With no obvious answer, she opened the nearby parcel box and extracted..."
It's just a thought. I'm sure you'd come up with something far more convincing. Perhaps the key / parcel box aren't even important to the overall storyline? Either way, I do understand that the chat also adds to add to the sense that Miriam doesn't have anyone else to talk to, so I'll leave it with you to contemplate.
I have one further thought that popped in to my head after the third read through and it is to do with words...the number, value and impact of them in a piece of flash fiction. If there was a word limit on this piece then it becomes even more important to make each one count. In this section:
"The disdainful glare of another resident at Liza following closely on Miriam's heels went completely unheeded. Miriam had noticed the young woman's scowl, but she merely smiled and said, "Good morning, Elizabeth."
The cat stopped, its wide-eyed gaze following Elizabeth up the stairs. She quickened her pace but kept looking back until she rounded the stairwell, and Liza turned and caught up to her owner. "
I found myself wondered what this little scene added to the overall story. Was it essential to the story? Did it add to the mystery? Did it show me an important facet to Miriam's personality? Did it build or create emotion? I'll leave those questions with you as I may well have missed something subtle, so , again, ignore these comments if you disagree.
Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:
Ahhh, I had a wee lump in my throat when I realised the letter was from the man she lost to battle, especially when I realised she'd already lost a husband. I already felt a fondness for the character , and this nicely timed reveal helped to seal those feelings.
Thoughts on the ending:
I thought the pragmatic response seemed quite fitting. I could imagine her not getting too bogged down in the 'what-if's, and seeing the silver lining. The way she turned to her cat at the end also seemed fitting. Nicely wrapped up.
Thoughts on emotion and imagery:
The story itself is simple and lovely. It definitely has potential to be quite the tear jerker. When I tried to think about why I didn't quite get the emotional impact that this story is easily capable of, I came to the conclusion that, for me, it was because the emotional moments might have benefited from a little bit more time to breath. I appreciate this is a piece of flash fiction, but that almost makes it even more important to get those messages as strong and as powerful as possible. The three moments where I'd have loved to feel the emotion of the moment a little more were:
1) The anticipation of finding and opening a parcel. How did that feel for her? What does anticipation / excitement look like to a woman who doesn't get parcels and packets?
2) The shock of the date and the contents. Could she perhaps pause in shock / find her hands shaking / her chest tightening as she reads the opening words 'Dearest Miriam' and realises she recognises his writing?
3) The sense of well-being, peace, acceptance that ends the story. I would have loved the emotions of that moment "they sat that way for some time" to linger a bit longer, though I have to admit...I
the last sentence. The tone of 'An old woman and her cat' was perfect!
Are there any technical issues I want to query?
Watch out for repetition. It doesn't bother some readers, but I noticed these two examples, so I thought I'd mention them.
"Wrapped
carefully inside the paper was a smaller box. She
carefully withdrew"
"Miriam opened her letter-box with her
key, and exclaimed, "Look here, Liza! We have a
key in our box." I'm not sure whether the first 'key' is needed. I'll leave that one with you.
My overall thoughts:
A gentle tale which makes great use of the prompts given. Thank you for sharing this short story today.
Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .