I think that your attempt was very good. You were a touch cryptic about what happened to you back then, but did mention almost dying and trying to heal. I hope by now that has happened for you.
You mentioned trying to remember the things for which you should be grateful. That is always important.
Your description says that you are describing someone's loneliness. (You spelled it wrong.) But I'm not totally convinced that is true. This person describes being alone, but the way that you have worded it, it makes being alone seem like a favorable condition.
Other than that little misspelling, I wouldn't necessarily change anything. But then again, I might change the description to asking the question, "Are people who are alone always lonely?"
This is fantastic! These are just the kinds of thoughts we all have when we try something scary and new. The affirmations are exactly what we need, whether they come from others or the voice in our heads.
And, as you pointed out at the end, this scenario could be about anything. My mind went to the first time that I sang a solo and the first time that I had to speak in front of 300 people.
My only suggestion is about what you said at the end.
I am certain that many of us would use this casual way of speaking and would say, "All you gotta do..." But when everything else is more formal, it is a bit jarring. I might consider writing "All you have to do..." But that's me. Feel free to ignore my suggestion.
Stories about birds and animals are always fun, especially if the birds or animals are behaving differently than what we humans consider normal. Such is the case in this story. Something is amiss with the crow.
I have to admit that I was confused about two words that you used: basted and fluey.
I love reading poetry that not only shows the poet's word crafting abilities but also demonstrates a different form of poetry. I have only seen poets explain their poetry form at WDC. Often, people at other writing sites expected people to know what form they were using. Of course, a bunch of those sites don't exist any more, so there is that.
Thanks for sharing your experience with Covid. The only person I know who had it was my son's dad, my ex husband. He was 23 years older than me, so he survived both career and covid in his 90s. For him, the experience was really mild. In fact, they weren't even sure that he had it until he was tested. We attributed his success at surviving them both in a year to his having boosted his immune system so well over the 40+ years prior.
I think that you were right to decide not to edit this as it was written as you experienced it.
In so few lines and words, you have described quite well that treasure chest at the bottom of the sea. I love, love, love your word crafting. I can see the fish doing their ballet dance.
This was the first thing that I read today, and I am glad that it was. Discovering someone who can write like this is exciting.
I loved your description of what a dad is or should be. I tend to agree with your views, including needing two parents.
My dad was a sheet metal mechanic. He was so surprised when I asked him to help me with algebra and geometry. He thought that since he dropped out of high school to join the navy, he couldn't possibly be any help. I explained to him that he used advanced math every day in his job. In the end, he would check my answers. He didn't know how to reach them like I did, but he did solve the problems. I miss having him around.
I get it. I have something called "Why write? Why breathe?"
Plus, I have a quote:
Kenzie says: "If you dream of being a writer, you already are one! The words are merely being held prisoner in your mind. Release them!"
I used to write so many letters to the editor and guest colums for our local newspaper in TX that they finally hired me. First I was the editor's assistant, then I was promoted to Community News Editor.
What an interesting take on what a small child thinks about the red and white guy. So many kids cry. Or their photo shows a really scared face. But we can only imagine what they might be thinking.
We tell kids not to talk to strangers, then put them on a stranger's lap and grin at them. They must get confused.
Your piece is well written, but I tend to disagree. I don't think that friends and relatives are among the best reviewers. Besides, if they are brutally honest, it can hurt both our feelings and our relationships.
Over the years, I have found that writing groups were my best place to get feedback. For a while, I was involved in one that met weekly. We each brought 4 pages for critiques from every member.
But other than my disagreement about having friends and relatives analyze your writing, I have nothing else to offer.
I found this on the public reviews page. Like that reviewer, I was perplexed about why you wrote "could of" instead of "could have" and "must of" instead of "must have".
It is a funny story, though, and I admire your ability to tell it in so few words. I have never been able to do that myself.
I've always been fascinated by people who can learn difficult tasks just by observation and it sounds like you were one of those. I admire people who can see. Oh,I can do beautiful hand stitches. And like many baby boomers, my home economics class included both cooking and sewing. I made the required apron and A-line skirt. But I have not used a sewing machine since then. I much preferred wood shop class.
Thanks for sharing your work of heart. Just a flower, though? Is any flower really just a flower?
My whole attitude about flowers changed 20 some years ago, the year that I turned 50 and learned that while Texans loved and protected its state flower, the Texas bluebonnet, other places might call it a mere wildflower. Or even a weed! Yes, each part of our country has different thoughts about what is a flower and what is a weed. Who knew?!?
The only change that I would make would be to make "passerby" one word, not two.
Now that is an interesting futuristic story poem. You must have been inspired by the recent events of earthquakes and the eclipse.
As I read this aloud, I must admit that there were a few places where I stumbled. My suggestion would be for you to read your work of heart aloud as well to see if you might discover some tweaks that you could do.
I am not surprised that you have received an awardicon for this eloquent piece about toilet paper. The fact that you were able to get me thinking about TP and following along with you in your quest to educate us about the stuff speaks volumes.
My fondest memories about toilet paper are when my parents had a house built exactly to their specifications. That was the first (and actually, only) house I have lived in that had a bathroom attached to the master bedroom.
The master bath had turquoise print wallpaper, plus a turquoise tub, sink and toilet.
The larger hall bathroom for us, the children and the guests as well, had lovely purple print wallpaper, plus a purple sink, tub and toilet.
Needless to say, those bathrooms had turquoise and purple toilet paper.
We only lived in that house for a short time before my mom became pregnant (doggone it, I was 13!!) and we had to move into an older and bigger house with a boring white tub, sink and toilet on the 2nd floor and an equally boring white shower, sink and toilet in the basement.
Your piece about the wonders of toilet paper brought all of those strange memories back. Thanks for that.
And thanks for sharing your tale. I wouldn't change a thing.
I found your work of heart on the public reviews page. It's always fun to see if one agrees or disagrees with the previous reviewer. Turned out that I both agreed and didn't agree.
This was fun to read aloud. While reading it silently, I could understand why the previous reviewer said that the meter makes one stumble. But reading aloud fixed that. It sounded great. Good flow, good rhymes, and makes a person laugh. What more could anyone want?
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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