I absolutely love this. Being kind of a Melvin fan, But the imagery of an old girlfriend rising out of the depths to wreck havoc is indeed unique! There just isn't anything that I don't like about this poem. It feels so primeval and basic. I love the imagery also of the smoke and drums and the moons gravity. All in all, just wonderful.
I loved this! This is so...I just can't think of a word to describe it. It's funny, and smart, and really, really vivid. I thought you would win the Flash Fiction Challenge with this for sure.
There's one little typo in the first paragraph. In the last sentence of the paragraph "there" should be "their." Otherwise. Just perfect.
Beautiful, clear and haunting. It is like being in a dream. Your writing is very evocative and you have a great vocabulary! I only found one item that may or may not need attention.
"I should think my courage as a man strong enough to not fear the sight of trees, but oh, you did not see this forest. You did not suffer its strange power."
I don't think that you can have two subjects in a sentence. I think that just keeping in the main characters pov is very, very strong. I felt a little disrupted when you used 'you'.
I loved this story. It was for the Writers Cramp wasn't it? This is exactly my kind of sci/fi!
I thought I had reviewed this but maybe ran out of time. Anyway, good job. I wouldn't change a thing.
I think it's a beginning of a really good story. Or an easy way to introduce a character into a novel. Just one word jumped out at me "talented marketing". It kind of pulled me back to the present. Other than that I felt I had a pretty good understanding of the king, his son and Devrias.
I read this before and had to come back and review it. I really like this. I think you have a very strong theme and your narrative is quite compelling. You did an excellent job in such a few number of words.
I really like your poem. I think that poetry is much harder than fiction since you have so many different rules to stick to and so few words to do it. I hope you don't mind but I did some editing below. This in no way reflects any criticism, I just had fun tweaking it so that it spoke better to my ear. Let me know if you have any questions. Write on!
Look at me,take me up high,
Hold me tight, lift me up to the sky,
We'll touch the moon and dance with the stars,
Play with the planets and dine on Mars.
In the gardens we'll be butterflies,
Flying,circling ,embracing loves desires.
Swimming with the dolphins in the vast ocean,
Mermaids flirting with the pirates of the Caribbean
In the forest we'll be trees talking to God all day
Swaying in the breeze, hugging as we pray
On top of the mountains we'll be a panoramic view
Inhaling each others breath , saying I love you
On a desert island we'll be an oasis,
A quench for thirsty travelers facing life's crisis.
In stormy weather we'll be like softly falling rain ,
A colorful rainbow, free from hurt and pain.
Two perfect portraits carved in mountain Stone
Like Egypt's ancient pyramids,we'll never be alone
The fleeting souls of two lovers intertwine
Like feathers floating in the air,yours and mine .
Wow. Great read. I think the ending is very strong. There's only one thing that I can think of that might make it stronger. It's that first line of the epilogue which puts the whole story in place. If you added MAT-Mars Automated Transport AI-21771A had exceeded the sum of it's parts....
Or you might consider using MAT instead of Mat throughout the story. But all in all this was a really great read.
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