\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nixie9/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/54
Review Requests: OFF
3,621 Public Reviews Given
3,660 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's, comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
*Bulletb* XGC, *Bulletb* Items that are written in a small font with little or no spacing, *Bulletb* I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
<    ...  50  51  52  53  54  55  56  57  58  59  ...   >
1326
1326
Review of Down - Not Out!  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,~ Santa Sisco ~ Author Icon! I'm here to offer a review as part of your Solar Package from the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.

Right up front, you should know, I neither read nor write poetry, so I can't make any suggestions as far as technique goes. What I can share is what I thought about after reading this piece.

I'm a fairly normal person. I try not to judge others, because as your poem suggests, we simply cannot understand what's causing an individual to act crazy/weird/impolite. Take your pick of adjectives. Just when we think we can't take one more thing, it happens. I have always worried what occurred today might come to be, but someone was there for me.

Stanza four provoked this reaction.
Today, for instance. I'm a good driver who always follows the rules, and I don't speed. I always return the shopping cart. Today, I was out with my grandson, who was not enjoying the trip. My foot was heavy on the gas, trying to get home before a complete meltdown. Maybe I crossed a few lanes too fast. If I had been watching another person acting this way, I may have been tempted to judge. But, what if they had a screaming baby in the back seat? Do we stop and consider these things?

The story continues. Because said grandson was upset, I buckled him into his car seat and headed home. As I was unloading packages from the vehicle, I realized I left all my purchases in the cart at the drug store. Among those purchases were five prescriptions. What went through my head? I called the store, positive someone had brought my cart back into the store, and they did! People are good when they can be. When they can't, well, I'm not here to ask why.

Stanza three
Not having a job steals a person's identity. Let's face it. We're defined by what we do for a living. Who cares if a person is a CEO or a burger-slinger, when the job is gone, so is the person. Income gone, friends lost. Now, who are we?

Well, thanks for the read! I'm happy I was able to take a few minutes and contemplate your poem. You really got quite a reaction. What more can an author ask for? Keep up the good work. Great image at the top.

I know this is a strange review, but I hope you can feel my sincerity.


** Image ID #1729366 Unavailable **
1327
1327
Review of Free Fall  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Fyn Author Icon Please accept this as a peer review--one reader's opinion.

*Leafo*
Thoughts/Impressions
I took flight with your opening paragraph, holding my breath all the way until Jinn leaped. What a gorgeous opening for your story. I nearly died in the fourth paragraph. You really know how to paint a scene and capture emotions.

*Leafo*
What drew my interest the most
Wow, this story took a sharp turn, and I had my thumb pressed against my lips when the funeral began. I doubt I was even breathing until I reached the end of the story. The silence of death as opposed to Jinn's wild recklessness was an exquisite contrast.

The dialect of the priest was precise, in accordance with a Scottish accent. I felt as if I was standing there listening to him, standing right next to Jinn.

I was sad for Dugold, of course, and happy when Jeff saved Jinn in the conclusion. There is a part of me that mourns the loss of Jinn's careless abandon, though.

*Leafo*
Editor's Desk
Jinn lived for those moments[,] for indeed, it was in the space of those moments she felt most alive.
Comma after [moments] to offset the interjection [for indeed]

For a brief moment, she looked down; Down beyond her feet clinging to the very edge of the granite cliff.
Suggest comma, not semicolon, and lower case [d] because what follows the semicolon is not a complete sentence.

In the first paragraph after the break, check for extra spacing.

As if she was simply more than she was normally[,] even if Jeff thought she was addicted to it.
Comma after [normally]

*Leafo*
In Conclusion
An outstanding write. I'm thrilled I happened by your port this evening and filled with conflicting emotions. Impressed by your craft, sorrowed for Dugold's wife, and left wondering if Jinn and Jeff really are right for each other.

I'm participating in Halloween Review Stew! Click the image to make some too!


GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
1328
1328
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi KerrieAnnS Author Icon Please accept this as a peer review--one reader's reaction.

*StarV*
Overall Impression
Reading this story brought to mind one of my life experiences. I felt so sad Jenna had no one to walk her down the aisle. This happened to my second daughter, because she was estranged from her father, all three children were. She asked my oldest brother and me to walk on either side of her. Wow, you should see the pictures of me trying not to sob.

*Puzzle4*
As the plot turns
I think there are many people who feel they 'let the right one get away', but Jenna seems extremely conflicted. She's anxious when Kevin appears, wishes they could be together, hopes he will interrupt the marriage, but in the end, although she's unhappy, acknowledges Jim as the best choice. What a storm of emotions!

*Woman*
Jenna is memorable as a smart, but uneasy character. She's uncomfortable in her make-up, and the bridesmaids are shown as mostly Jim's people. She's estranged from her father. The wedding takes place in winter. That detail added one more distancing feeling to her character, so when Kevin shows up, it's a relief. Finally, it seems she's found what centers her life. But, the plot twists again.

She simply cannot make up her mind. In one moment, I think she's only resigned herself to Jim, but there's also the sense of the rightness of her decision. The "sacrifice" didn't seem that significant because Kevin had nothing but instability to offer. And, now, it's too little, too late. She'll probably realize that being with Kevin was never a viable option.

In fact, in the sentence that precedes "You may kiss the bride."
...she breathed for what felt like the first time in an age. He hadn’t said anything.
She sounds relieved. But, she keeps going back and forth, poor bride. She certainly has a case for not "happily ever after," although her romance with Kevin does not sound lasting. Sounds more like lust than love.  *Wink*

You really drew me into this story while I pondered the triad. You saved a key element until the happy couple was riding off in their horse-drawn carriage.  *Thumbsup*

*Pencil*
Thoughts/suggestions
As she stared at her reflection she tried to comprehend what she was looking at.
[As she stared at her reflection] is an introductory phrase and a comma should follow.

“Why here? Why now? Where was this 3 years ago?”
Stylistically, opinions vary on what numbers should be spelled out. Usually, numbers that are part of a dialogue are spelled out. [three years ago]

“Jesus Jenna you’re freezing!”
“Jesus, Jenna, you’re freezing!” Use commas to set off direct addresses.

I would take a look at all your sentences and watch for the compound ones that are joined by coordinating conjunctions. Use commas after [and] [but] [so] For example, the sentence below is marvelous, descriptive, and evocative, but the correctly placed comma makes the sentence more powerful.

She hid the pain from her face as his hand left her skin[,] and the cold seeped back into her bones.

He softly swept it away and caressed her face, and though she tried not[,] to she [lent] into his touch.
You may have a specific reason for choosing [lent], but the only way I understand is through the Christian observance of Lent. Did you mean [leaned?]

Dropping the jacket in the snow[,] she turned her back...
This sentence begins with a participial phrase and creates a problem, because the actions cannot be simultaneous.

*TrainO*
In conclusion
I'm trying to disentangle myself from your story, and I'm not having an easy time of it. Nice write that needs some basic editing.

** Image ID #1899534 Unavailable **


FORUM
The Official Mod Review Blitz! Open in new Window. (E)
Now updated to review all case colors. Help make "Halloween Review Stew" and win prizes!
#1310280 by Sheldon is at 2343485 Author IconMail Icon
1329
1329
Review of The Mellow Beat  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*MushroomBr* Hi Duke-CastleChaos Author Icon I'm here with a review from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. *MushroomBr*


This is your first review of five from your Peppermint Tea Package as gifted by Itchy Water~fictionandverse Author Icon

*MushroomBr*
THOUGHTS/IMPRESSIONS
Excellent premise for this story. A man who has it all changes his life. You allowed the reader to believe Kale missed the Street, so the ending came as a complete surprise.

The modern life vs. the schooner in the same story threw me for a loop until the plot unrolled. Still, I felt like I was in two worlds. Maybe it works?

I'm feeling the difference between the 1800's and present day and it's oddly misplaced. However, Kale is caught between two lives, so the plot could be used to dramatically accentuate the opposite attractions. Interesting.

These are two stellar sentences. It made the whole story worth reading.
*Star* Kale's knees betrayed him and he dropped. The anxiety of the last few moments washed away in gratitude. *Star*
Kale falling on his knees before the captain, and his anxiety being washed away fit perfectly with the elements in your plot.

*MushroomBr*
WHAT I LIKED
I liked Kale. He's a strong character and you gave him an easily identifiable lifestyle.

*MushroomR*
EDITOR'S DESK
umteenth
umpteenth

yes life at teh top of LA's financial sector was good,
he had managed get to teh harbour
and looking around teh ship
the

So why oh why had he taken that left turn one day
So, why, oh why, had he taken....

was looking at an afternoon of druding through paperwork
drudging

and into to the Carribean where they were...
and into to the Carribean where they were

the captain of the old wooden schooner.
old, wooden schooner.

but that wasn't such a bad thing, as the Cap'n never...
No comma after thing.

Now a rigging rat, and a healthy nible one at that."
nimble

"So [your] not regretting the choice then?"
you're

His stomach flipped, and his vision went blurry.
No comma.

"Ah, that's about the reaction I expected[,] Kale."
Missing comma before proper noun.

In paragraph 1, you used the word "good" twice. In paragraph 2, three times. I know you can come up with something more creative.

He was expected to be up at post for 4 hr shifts three times a day, and to help out the rest of the time if needed.
No comma after day. [and to help out the rest of the time if needed] is a phrase that cannot stand alone.

The orders, barked forward at him from on of the other rigging rats[,] caused him to look aft himself where he saw Cap'n waiting.
Comma offsets non-essential phrase.

That was something else, when he had walked
I would suggest a period after [else] and begin a new sentence.

The Captain was rambling, his thoughts evident in his manner, and from past experience Kale new [knew] that rushing him wouldn't get him anywhere.
This sentence seems to come from nowhere. I haven't heard any rambling in what he's saying to Kale. It might work better after the Captain makes his first statement.

but the truth is that we're heading to port right quick here, First Mate is asking to be put off ship, he's gotten a yearning to make babies and raise a garden.
Oh, I really laughed over that sentence. It's one of your best! I would use a period after [here] and start a new sentence. You can also use a semicolon if you prefer.

*MushroomG*
CLOSING THOUGHTS
You write [overly] long sentences, and I think you're missing an opportunity to paint a picture, to draw the reader into your story. It's your creation; your choice. I noticed you wrote and never returned to edit. It's possible you're content with the story as it is now and that's fine. I do encourage you to clean up the misspells and work on varying your word choices.

Listen, please ignore any comments that don't help you. I found your story different and enjoyed my time contemplating your work.

** Image ID #1854449 Unavailable **


FORUM
The Official Mod Review Blitz! Open in new Window. (E)
Now updated to review all case colors. Help make "Halloween Review Stew" and win prizes!
#1310280 by Sheldon is at 2343485 Author IconMail Icon
1330
1330
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*MushroomBr* Hi Maryann Author Icon I'm here with a review from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. *MushroomBr*


This is your third review from your Earl Grey Package as gifted by eyestar~* Author Icon

*MushroomBr*
THOUGHTS/IMPRESSIONS
Oh, Maryann. This is completely precious and charming. The title sets the mood; I know what I'm about to read will captivate me.

The girls charge one dollar per crime solved. So sweet. They're both strong characters as are all the characters in your story. They feel quite real when they show up at the lemonade stand to chat. I have a picture of Small Town, USA in my head.

*MushroomBr*
WHAT I LIKED
The detective agency, is, of course, the shining star, but there's another aspect that tickled me. They're selling rocks! I have an affinity with rocks; there are over one-hundred in my collection. Everything from tiny pebbles to chunks of coal from Pennsylvania, and boulders I found along the railroad tracks behind my house in New York. I carried them all with me when I moved to Florida. There's not a single one I would part with, except the ones my grandson takes.

When Buster makes his appearance in the end, I thought of our family's Golden Retriever. She was always walking around with someone's sock in her mouth.  *Laugh* We never figured out why, but we learned to keep our socks in the drawers.

*MushroomR*
EDITOR'S DESK
“Thanks for making the lemonade again[,] Mrs. Dora.
Oops. missing comma

“You’re welcome[,] Mandy.
Oops, again.

She started walking back to the house, but had one more thing to say first.
No comma [but had one more thing to say first] is a phrase that cannot stand alone.

Mr. Marino took out two dollars[,]and handed it to Gina.
No comma.

“Where is buster?
Oops. Buster.

*MushroomG*
CLOSING THOUGHTS
I had a marvelous time reading this deceptively "cute" story. It's obvious you spent time crafting it and it shows. Well done!

** Image ID #1854449 Unavailable **


FORUM
The Official Mod Review Blitz! Open in new Window. (E)
Now updated to review all case colors. Help make "Halloween Review Stew" and win prizes!
#1310280 by Sheldon is at 2343485 Author IconMail Icon
1331
1331
Review of Do Not Go Gently  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Early Author Icon

This is a review for your Nuclear Package from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
gifted by blue jellybaby Author Icon

*LeafG*
Impressions/Thoughts
This is a seriously creepy story. I was immediately pulled into the plot from the first sentence. It only took you three sentences to establish horror. A child unafraid of a plastic pumpkin because there are worse things in the night? Wow, that put me right on edge.

Especially terrifying were the images of them leaving "claw marks on the wallpaper" and worse for some reason, "footprints on the ceiling."

In your story, we only learn that Lumen sees the creatures. But because of this sentence, I wondered if I missed something.

To everyone else, Dying One was a ten-year-old year old boy.

The description of The Dying One is truly disturbing.

*LeafG*
Emotional Impact
I was right there with Lumen all the way through to the end. I experienced her fear, fortitude and, surprisingly, her compassion.

It took a few reads to understand what Lumen experienced in her bathroom when the lights went out. After I read the entire story I went back to see why the creatures were "amazed at their good luck."

It's a fine point I'm pressing. It's understood they can only be seen at night, but then Lumen says in a terrifying sentence:

Except, they didn't just happen at night.

I assume she's seen them in the daytime, but as I read, she only saw them once in the day. I'm driving myself nuts making this fine point. This is where we get a glimpse at the creatures and it's an important scene.

On the other hand, I felt "cheated." Lumen's sentence promised so much more. I'm probably the only one who experienced this, so just ignore me.

*LeafG*
Suggestions
“LUMEN!” She slammed her back harder against the wall and her breathing came out in labored gasps.
I would use a paragraph break after Lumen! so it's clear who is calling her name. Her actions need to be separate from the dialog.

*LeafG*
In Conclusion
I'm not writing a spoiler here, but that's an exquisite twist at the end. I think this story will be stuck in my head for a while. That's good writing. *Smile*

** Image ID #1897684 Unavailable **
1332
1332
Review of Desolate  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi C. T. Hill Author Icon I would like to offer a peer review for your story posted here:
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

*LeafG*
Impressions/Thoughts
This is a fantastic story. Tight action, non-stop suspense and two likable characters...well...until the twisted conclusion.

*LeafG*
Emotional Impact
You made it easy for me to identify with both characters right from the start. Who wouldn't take the side of a young woman alone in an alley. Who can resist a stranger who appears from the shadows to rescue her? And, the slight flavor of dominance over her tweaked the relationship.

I felt as betrayed as Trace when Erin's identity was revealed. I was angry, too, because I liked them as a couple.  *Star* An expert write and twist.

In the end, Trace wins and I felt redeemed.

*LeafG*
Suggestions
The story runs at a break-neck pace, and that's fine, but sometimes it's a good idea to let the reader rest for a paragraph or two. The characters cannot constantly be in action.

Erin tucked herself into the dark corner as the patrol roared by, shaking the pavement.
No comma. If you use a comma "shaking the pavement" refers to Erin.

She rubbed her hands through her auburn hair, attempting to stop the flowing images that made no sense to her.
No comma "attempting...." is a phrase that cannot stand alone.

“My names Erin.” she said, matching his pace.
"My name's Erin."

His direction didn’t leave much room for argument, so Erin only [nodded.]
He [nodded], and they set off across the street,
Erin [nodded.]
Try to avoid using the same word in close proximity.

They flattened against a stone wall, hidden by the shadows.
No comma. "hidden by the shadows" is a phrase and cannot stand alone.

Bullets crashed into the walls, spraying them with fragments of broken concrete.
No comma.

Trace landed a kick on the sweet spot of the door, crumpling it in.
No comma.

“Anyone they deem a threat of infection they will put down.” They continued on...
they is used three times in two sentences.

“Soldiers have been grabbing up survivors, promising a cure,” he said, disgust latent on his voice.
Your word choices are superlative except in this sentence. "Latent" means hidden or dormant, the opposite of what you're conveying, I think.

“But, the truth is that they want them for their blood.”
Are you interested in losing a "they" and a "that" for a tighter read? The truth is they want their blood.

“He sees us,” she said, her voice taught with fear. “Is there another way out?”
I think you meant to type "taut"

Trace and Erin waited in the room, dipped in apprehension,
Uncertainty wrapped her face as she glanced to Trace then back to the suit.
Astonishment covered her face
The three sentences above are my least favorite and I was surprised to see them in your story. It doesn't feel like your style at all.

An evil smile snaked across her face.
That sentence is your style. My stomach clenches every time I read it.

*LeafG*
In Conclusion
An appropriate and poignant ending. I wanted so much more for Trace, he was such a nice guy. He cared about others and he protected Erin.

Many of your sentences jump right off the page, they have so much impact. Your verb choices are impressive and never repeated, except where noted. The action scenes are vivid. My only suggestion is to consider slowing down the plot in a few places and let your reader breathe. I know you wrote this for a contest and understand you were limited by a word count.

Thanks for the chance to read and review this. I'm so happy I found your story today. Keep up the good work!

** Image ID #1897684 Unavailable **
1333
1333
Review of The Seeing Stone  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Sir Various Author Icon and welcome to

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.'s Fall Clean-Up Raid.

This Lightning Review Package comes from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

*Pumpkin*
Thoughts/Impressions
Stones in stories are make any story one of my favorite reads. They're a source of wonder to me; I like them so much I have over one-hundred of them around my home. They range from pebbles to boulders. The properties of the crystal in this story thrilled me, except in the conclusion. It's difficult for me to accept a stone as anything but a marvel. Yes, I know it sounds weird. However, that is what caught and held my attention.

*Pumpkin*
Emotions Evoked
The strength in this story comes from the characters. I disliked Harok almost immediately. Perhaps having his tribe's best interests at heart should redeem him, except cheating is still cheating at the expense of what counts more than things--relationships. Harok is greedy and manipulative, self-centered and vainglorious. I was so angry throughout this entire story, my dislike building to hatred and revulsion.

When he attacked and killed the three wild boar, I wanted to reach into the story and bash him upside the head. What an ingratiate idiot. So blind to life's splendor.

The only relief came from learning his power was from the dark side. In the beginning, it seems a gift of light. His journey through the hawk's eye was magical and the scene was vivid. As was his return. Those were my two favorite moments.

In general, violence upsets me, but it was necessary to this plot, and you wrote it without overly gory details, though it was gruesome. Both characters and actions were vivid in my mind. Great job revealing character's through plot advancement. *Thumbsup*

Question. The crystal came from the sky gods and Harok imbued it with dark magic?

*Pumpkin*
Suggestions
In S 2, a comma is needed after the introductory "Even deep in the forest" and there should be a comma between shoulders and the conjunction "and."

The cry of a hawk above the leaf canopy drew his attention upward, and gave him a shiver of anticipation.
No comma after upward because "gave him a shiver of anticipation" is a phrase, not a clause.

searching the land for prey from on high, and striking with the same swift speed
No comma after "high"

The trees diminished, as he climbed higher, and the vista expanded.
Suggest no commas to isolate "as he climbed higher" or "As he climbed higher, the trees diminished and the vista expanded. or The trees diminished and as he climbed higher the vista expanded.

reveling in their youthful play before the sky gods sent the big winds of autumn, which drove the dark clouds of rain before them, dampening both the ground and the mood of the tribe’s elders.
No comma after "autumn" or "them"

At least he could never get lost, on his sky-borne journeys with the seeing stone to guide him.
no comma after "lost" What follows is not an independent clause.

It hit the beast solidly felling it immediately. It twitched for a moment as if running to its after-life.
The second sentence is one of my favorites, but in one sentence "it" refers to the stone, and the next "it" refers to the beast.

Harok knew he, Harok Hawk’s Feather was the best,
and he, Harok Hawk’s Feather must quench it.
Comma should follow "Feather" in both sentences, unless there's an exception to the rule I'm unaware of.

Upon editing, you will discover a few other areas of comma misplacement, but your sentences are so long, I don't want to copy/paste any more.

*Pumpkin*
In conclusion
Overall, a solid story with strong characters and motivations. Nicely done!

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. Ignore any suggestions you disagree with.

** Image ID #1897191 Unavailable **
1334
1334
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Prof Moriarty Author Icon and welcome to

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.'s Fall Clean-Up Raid.

This peer review is the sixth and last review from your "Electric Package."

*Pumpkin*
Thoughts/Impressions
Your story represents what most of us strive for. Redemption in the face of failure. In Arun's life, the consequences of his non-actions have left him disgraced in front of his own mother.

His mom really set him up. Great job creating the scene that culminates with him seeing his own name. He really was clueless.

*Pumpkin*
Emotions Evoked
The endangerment of the firm's integrity and Arun's imminent dismissal pale when compared to his reflection of himself as seen through his mother's eyes. Although we don't know why he's reached this degree of incompetence, he's quick to remedy the situation.

I am well past the age of needing to please my parents, but I still strive to honor them through my actions. The thought of disappointing them is unbearable, but that did not save me from making mistakes. From my skewed perspective, I see failure in their eyes. I remind myself they are both in their eighties and their concerns no longer center around me.

Your story also made me think of my father's business. He has three sons, but when he retired none of them wanted to take over. It broke his heart. In later years I wondered why he overlooked me. Because I was his daughter? Probably.

*Pumpkin*
Suggestions
Punctuation
Indira Sharma stared at the bronze replica of her company’s insignia adorning her desk; a representation of a human hand.

She nodded at the young man. Her practiced eyes carefully passed over the entire length of his body; ruffled hair, t-shirt, jeans and sneakers.

A semicolon is only appropriate when both sentences are complete. If you can add the word "and" between the two, then you know a semicolon is correct. In this case, I would suggest a simple comma, or a dash.

She squinted her eyes to read the familiar inscription on its pedestal before returning to the numbers on a page in front of her.
I understand the significance of the message and the necessity to draw the reader in to prepare them for the next scene. I agree with you, but the sentence is so long, it confused me. Perhaps consider breaking it up into two sentences, or shortening the description.

“We make Rs. 20 per liter of paint we produce and sell.”
I'm sorry. *Blush*I don't know what Rs means.

I don't want to copy/paste the next sentence because its long, so I hope it makes sense when I suggest writing "without securing a new account/customer" or, make customer plural.
without making any new customer [s]

Could we meet tomorrow morning tomorrow at 7 am?
7 A.M.

I should have [taken] the decision long ago.
Perhaps there are language barriers, but using the word [made] rather than [taken] makes more sense. Or she "should have taken action long ago."

The mom's dramatic "My womb is cursed" comment seemed over the top. What a horrible thing to say to her son.

*Pumpkin*
In conclusion
I like the way the story concluded, because Mrs. Sharma is once again, Mom. The scene was poignant and rewarding.  *Star*

I know this was written with a word limitation, so I won't suggest areas that need further expansion without any indication from you.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review this. Please ignore any comments that are not beneficial.

** Image ID #1897191 Unavailable **
1335
1335
Review of Our Little Trek.  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi ChakraLight Author Icon Please accept this as a peer review--one reader's opinion.

*Leafo*
Thoughts/Impressions
I have a confession. Whenever I read a magazine, I begin in the middle and work my way through it. Whenever I 'm reading an item on this website, I tend to jump to the end and work my way backward to the beginning.

*Leafo*
What drew my interest the most
The conclusion caused me to ponder your meaning. It sounded wise, and I had to know what it applied to, so, I ventured up a few lines and discovered a loved one died tragically.

That is selfish, when worrying about one's future supersedes the correct response--mourning. Thinking about this led to some questions and comments about your story.

This person is unbelievably calm and detached. Yes, he's described as in tatters (good word choice) and devastated and bereft, but I don't feel anything, and apparently neither does he. He/she logically thinks over how the person fell and states he tried to help.

Weave in the emotions, describe the trek, answer some questions to enliven the read. Where did he/she take the other? What was bright about the person? A person fell to their death. It's horrible, write out the scene. It does not have to be ugly and disturbing if you want to keep it toned down.

On the other hand, you specified this was written for a contest, and I've no idea the parameters. Perhaps you were limited. If this is true, you may decide you have a solid setting to work with and expand the story.

*Leafo*
Editor's Desk
In P1, there is no comma after waters. Never separate a noun from the verb.

Only with you[] my love
comma after you

Our adventure, our trek through the mountains that has culminated in your demise.
delete "that"

Just one false move, one unsteady step[] caused you to plummet to your death.
"one unsteady step" is a non-essential phrase and you need commas to surround it.

You have some formatting issues to clear up. Suggest a paragraph break after "And now you are gone."

I have never been, never seen.
This is a good place to answer those questions I asked earlier. Where did they go? By answering questions you can avoid repeating words.

*Leafo*
In Conclusion
I read your bio and understand you are new at this. You will learn so much on this website; it's stimulating, challenging, and informative. Welcome, welcome, and keep working and editing. If you're like me, the result will not look much like the first draft at all!

*Thumbsup* Way to go, getting your work out there by entering a contest!

Last comment. My thoughts are my own for you to explore or ignore. This is your story and only you know the intention. My suggestions may have nothing to do with your work. Many of my comments stem from a review I received. I felt as if the reviewer was writing my story though the suggestions. That is never my intent.

I'm participating in Halloween Review Stew! Click the image to make some too!


GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
1336
1336
Review of My first kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Elena Author Icon. Here is one review from your
** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **
as gifted by blue jellybaby Author Icon

Thoughts/Impressions
What a precious story that describes two shy teenagers, who through friend's manipulations finally hook up at the Homecoming.

That brought back a flood of memories. My daughters were fifteen before they went to a Homecoming. We spent hours in the beauty salon where the stylists practiced their various up-dos for the evening.

The gowns were not difficult to find and the cost was reasonable; it was the matching shoes that drove the price through the roof. The second-hand gown you bought prompted another memory, and it relates to the dwindling economy.
I read, not too long ago, that older sisters were selling their gowns for the new girls.

My favorite part
The inner thought you tried to communicate to Dustin made me smile.

I liked that Dustin wasn't every girl's dream, but he was the perfect dream for you. Several sentences related to the "getting ready" part of the Homecoming. It showed me more about your family. I was confused because your mom helped you, but the second sentence sounded like your sisters put on your make-up. They decided you looked dead and wiped it off.

Moms are so much part of the "before" events. Every time, both daughters cried for one reason or another while they dressed. My youngest daughter had been in a horrendous automobile accident the month before, and she lost so much weight I had to sew her into the dress.

Sorry I got carried away with Homecoming memories when your story is about the ultimate first kiss. You let me feel your emotions, and when Dustin made his move it created a vivid scene in my mind.

The way you wrote the reaction to the kiss impressed me.
It was electric.

I'm fairly certain my first kiss awed, not electrified me. It was a forbidden kiss hidden from my parents who overprotected their fifteen-year-old daughter. At least I was only one year older than you before my first kiss. I don't feel like such a loser now. *Smile*

Suggestions
What's a high school with the YMCA?
I think you meant to type without

He said his first had been with a girl in Massachusetts, where he was originally from, but she wasn't cool; didn't end up being very nice.
[didn't end up being very nice] is a phrase, not a sentence, so the semicolon placement is incorrect. You can use the conjunction and to solve this problem. No comma.

"You were just a baby," she lamented.
Because this scene is occurring in the present tense, I suggest using "are" rather than "were." See if you like any of these examples.
You are just a baby, or You're only a baby. You're still my baby girl. You get the idea. *Wink*

Conclusion
Thanks for the opportunity to read and review this. It triggered so many memories and I am grateful to you. I cherish those past moments and have not thought of them in a long time. Great job conjuring up a strong reader response. *Thumbsup*

Please ignore any comments that don't make sense to you.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1337
1337
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Vivian Author Icon Please accept this as a peer review--one reader's opinion.

*Leafo*
Thoughts/Impressions
Awesome and appropriate title for this story. The brief description is discrete, but piques the curiosity.

This is an amazing story. I found it in this month's Drama NL. The title was "I shouldn't be alive" and your story tells the exact plot discussed in the newsletter. I was not only mesmerized, I learned from reading your story.

*Leafo*
What drew my interest the most
I was entranced from the first sentence. Right away, I was on edge and it just kept getting worse right up until the very end. I've never met characters so vivid and action woven in seamlessly. I might have been watching a movie.

My eyes were wet while the men composed their last thoughts, and I will admit to some chills along my arms when the secret of the family and their reunion was revealed.

*Leafo*
Editor's Desk
A few suggestions so it looks like I'm doing my job...
No light can enter the coverings
penetrate?

Mine filled with too much sand and quit.”
Mine's filled with too much sand and quit. I had to read that twice, trying to figure out what quit meant. Was it something like the sand, or a typo I wondered. Would a comma after sand be appropriate?

*Leafo*
In Conclusion
Sometimes I spend twice as long reading a story half as short as this one because of technical issues, or just plain confusion. It was my pleasure to read this fast-moving but complex story. You're an inspiration.

I'm participating in Halloween Review Stew! Click the image to make some too!
1338
1338
Review of Behind sad eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Ducttape Knight Author Icon Please accept this as a peer review--one reader's opinion.

*Leafo*
Thoughts/Impressions
No laughing. This is my first vampire story. Why? I avoid them because everywhere I look, vampire fangs are bared. I liked your story because it dealt with the inner workings of a woman's mind.

I picture her as an ugly creature, poor thing. Alone, filthy and ashamed. Drawing upon my limited knowledge, I thought makers had to sponsor those they turned, but not this guy. He only wants to see her after she's got everything under control. Men.

*Leafo*
What drew my interest the most
I liked the title and your first line struck a note with me. I knew what choice Aurora made because you told me in the brief description. Still, I wanted to hear her story. It's gruesome, but not offensive.

I hope I never see her, and would never want her for a friend, but she's quite human and it's not impossible to identify with her. Too bad she can't live by some water and get herself cleaned up. She's too consumed by her power and dark emotions. No woman needs a vampire man to mess up her life--most any man can get the job done, provided the woman is damaged psychologically and chooses the wrong kind of guy. Just like Aurora.

*Leafo*
Editor's Desk
I can't help but point out a few things. Nothing detracts from the story. Here's a few examples of comma misplacement.

Now it came quick, and like the rising tide, with more and more power behind it.
...with more and more power should not be separated by a comma.

she spied her once elegant white dress, now red, and tattered.
she spied her once elegant white dress, now red and tattered.

Behind Sad Eyes. Capitalize all the words in your title.

*Leafo*
In Conclusion
I'm actually surprised I stayed this long and read the story so many times. When an author is good, every story they write is compelling. I have now been indoctrinated into vampire lore.


I'm participating in Halloween Review Stew! Click the image to make some too!
1339
1339
Review of Bubblegum Romance  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Iva Lilly Durham Author IconI found your story on the plug page, and would like to offer a peer review--one reader's opinion.

*Leaf2o*
Thoughts/Impressions
This was an unexpected, delightful read. I enjoyed the banter back and forth between the couple. You held out on revealing their exact ages until later in the story and that worked well.

It was easy to follow the plot mostly revealed through dialogue. A few items mentioned gave the story a setting. Everyone can envision a bar with a scarred wooden table. Honestly, though. Can't he take her to a nicer place? I suppose that's arrogance or ignorance, or something bad on my part, assuming because Ralph is older he should be wining and dining her with flair. Maybe they both like beer.

*Leaf2o*What caught my attention
The smashing title and perky brief description were well-suited for this piece. Those two things challenge me.

Part of composing a believable story is creating names appropriate for the for era. Ralph and Ivy were both great choices.

This sentence is so typically directed at women, it really lit up when turned around.

"You're too skinny," she said, feeding him a large fry.

I like the way you "shortened up" the scene with one sentence.
They continued to spar, back and forth, beer and fries consumed, words spoken, taken back, spoken again.
Just a light touch and I felt connected to the couple, although the story is unlike anything I'm familiar with. It was a sweet piece of escapism.

*Leaf2o*
Editor's Desk
"a couple tall Buds back here[] Manuel."
You need a comma before a Manuel.

He maneuvered Ivy into a booth and sat down on it's opposite side.
In the interest of making every word count:
He maneuvered Ivy into a booth and sat opposite of her.

I understand the lyrics are part of the story, but the truth is, I skipped over them. Sorry. Maybe consider just a few lines to demonstrate the age difference, or only do it once. I much preferred reading your stylistic and adept dialogue. I chose one line to highlight because I busted out with a grin.

" O lord," she said. "Here comes the obituary."

"I'd like some fries and good catsup."
Is there such a thing as bad catsup? A knock-off brand?

Ivy sipped hers, and had a little white foamy smudge on her lips which she licked off.
Do you like the sentence worded this way?
Ivy sipped hers and licked off the little white foamy smudge on her lips.

The last sentence with the couple holding each other up is confusing. There's too many whos and whom's. If you want to hold onto the adverb "slightly" which you don't need, I would use it after "stumbled."

*Leaf2o*
And in the End?
My daughter married a man twenty years older and she makes it work because she loves him. They say kindred spirits know no age limitations.

When Ivy keeps asking if Ralph will throw her out, I was wondering, throw her out of where? His life, the bar (just kidding) or are they living together?

It was my pleasure to read and review your work. My comments are yours to ignore or explore.

I'm participating in Halloween Review Stew! Click the image to make some too!
1340
1340
Review of Waiting for a Son  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi BIG BAD WOLF is Surprised Author Icon
*CakeB* HAPPY THIRD WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
This is an ambitious and circuitous plot. Most of it is back story, and leads to the penultimate moment at the airport. In fact, the first three paragraphs are Jason remembering, but in the fourth paragraph you wrote:
"Of course, this wasn't on Jason's mind."
It sounds contradictory.

You developed an entire society with rules and ranks. Most imaginative! You drew me into the story despite the odd plot. Normal for you, but a whole new world for me. My son is serving in the army, and that's one reason I stuck with the story.

The branding part sounded horrible, but it was also believable.

*BulletB* What I liked
You have the ability to make readers care about imaginary creatures with human frailties and super-human powers. I can't say I ever want to be a werewolf, but if it happened to be so, I hope I would be as kind and brave as Jason and his son.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
Commas can be challenging little marks and there are several instances of misplacement. I will touch on a few. This is an anniversary review, and I don't want it to sound negative. *Smile*

P 1 Corporal Jason Ripfangs was at the airport, sitting on a bench in the corner.
No comma should come after airport. It separates the verb from the noun and "sitting on a bench in the corner" is not a complete sentence.

P 9 Then, in a berserk-like rage, he had managed to jump onto his chest and started pounding the man's face in, shattering the various bones.
No comma follows in. "Shattering the various bones" is a not a complete sentence.

P 11 Then, he saw the door open, and the stairs descend.
No comma should follow open. The conjunction "and" is not joining a compound sentence.

You might consider using the simple past tense rather than the past perfect for an easier read and a quicker pace. For example:

When Jason had regained consciousness, he'd found himself in the care of the medical unit.
When Jason had regained consciousness, he'd he found himself in the care of the medical unit.

When he woke up, Jason had found himself tied to a pole
I'm only asking you to consider this.

*BulletB* In conclusion
Excellent turn of events in the end. It took me a few seconds to realize the commanding officer was not speaking to Jason. That was an impressive piece of misdirection.  *Thumbsup*

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1341
1341
Review of Cheated Gallows  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi LindaLaRue Author Icon I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
I read your story with interest four or five times, spent considerable time trying to sift through it and ended up with questions. Several elements are present in this piece and the story feels chopped-up, if that makes any sense.

The story begins with you, the author, talking to me, the reader and justifying your hobby. You're an author and you don't need to justify anything. We're a quirky bunch and that's what makes us fascinating.  *Wink*

Your resources are included in the body, which I found distracting. What if you gave a brief summary: "Accounts vary..." (include a general summary) and include the references as a note at the end?

Can you give us your best guess at interpreting the events?

Eventually, you get the story out, and move on to another aspect. The house itself, the history, your discoveries and observations, and your loss.

I suggest asking yourself what part is most important to you and focus on that. Is it your story, talking about your family, telling us about you, listing websites you frequent, the research, your real-time observations, and the loss of you dog, with the tragedy being a back story?

I would like to hear more of your story about what you do, and besides the obvious meaning, what specifically is a "lookey loos" and how does one become branded as such?

*BulletB* Just can't stop pondering...
Some sentences seem to come from nowhere. What lie did Nick Rast tell?
Alfred was the dominant figure out of the three because of his volatile nature; so much so that Nick Rast lied for him in the beginning out of fear of retaliation.

I found stories within stories here, and trying to include them all in the manner presented took away from the drama of each.

"Cheating the Gallows" is a good title and ties in with the story.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
Alfred's older brother[,] Charlie[,] and Nick Rast[,] age 27, a German miner hired to help haul supplies, accompanied him to the site of the gap which led to a supposed mining claim the Vaughn's owned.
What did I do to your sentence? Commas are required to offset names. Who, specifically Nick Rast was (German miner) does not enhance the story. Yes, it's interesting, but there's enough happening that it just adds confusion.

Or, maybe I'm the only confused one?

I've been wondering since I read the first line, how did the tragedy touch generations to follow? Did I miss a reference to the off-spring of these unfortunate people? Or do you mean the house continued to possess an element of violence or loss?

*BulletB* In conclusion
I gave you a few things to consider, and I hope you are not offended. I'm fascinated by the entire piece, but it's too much to be contained here. If you like the piece the way it reads, by all means, ignore me.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1342
1342
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Joy-Happy 25, WdC! Author Icon I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction. I found your story in this month's Comedy Newsletter.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
I immediately identified with Max. Not because I'm an elderly gentleman who recently lost his wife, but because everyone can identify with vulnerability. Your first line drew me right in.

*BulletB* What I liked
I had a feeling that Clarice would be Laura, but it did not detract from the enjoyment. You have an engaging style and know how to take the mundane to a new level. People who have not grown up with the internet do struggle, and although Max was mystified and bumbling, I was laughing.

I've had my share of computer problems and wasted many hours finding my way around Windows. Did Gates have to name it Windows? The names implies easy to see through, and his program is anything but.

I like how you integrated Max's unlikely stumble across the personals into a believable plot development, setting events in motion. I had to laugh, again, when Max decided to attend the conference for the free lunch. I've been to these conferences, not as a guest, and have seen those elderly people checking watches, desperate for the free part to begin.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
Nary a concern; in fact, I learned a thing or two. You wasted no words, made every word count.

*BulletB* In conclusion
Your story is so honestly, completely possible, it reads like non-fiction. (Please excuse the adverbs.) Max could be anyone's neighbor, dad, or grandfather. Outstanding characterization.

Thanks for the thrill of reading and reviewing. I think you had fun composing this.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1343
1343
Review of FIRST DIVE  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi {suser: I'm here today to offer a return peer review-one reader's reaction.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
I hope you agree with me, that reader reaction is the best part of writing, because your story promoted thoughts of my own experiences.

My daughter is a licensed PADI Master Scuba Diver instructor. She and husband live on a motor yacht and stayed in the Keyes for six months or so while my daughter taught. I was so excited. First hand, up front and free visitation to a world I had only heard about. She talked about the silence under the water and that is what I longed to experience. Imagine my distress when instruction began in a pool and much to my dismay, I panicked and rushed to my feet. Maybe it's the breathing in and out of the same tube, I've no idea, but I'm crushed.

That's one reason I nearly choked when I read how your brother just tossed you in. Immediate immersion. Lucky for him you took to it like a pro and did not suffer any consequences. When my parents lived on Hillsborough Island, just south of Boca, I watched a helicopter land right in the middle of A1A to rescue a diver with the bends.

*BulletB* What I liked
I've only seen pictures of the Moray, but your description was vivid. They do look like they're "yelling a silent warning."

... Barracuda made me feel unwelcome.
Now, that's an understatement. I would be terrified!

I liked paragraph three because I felt your wonderment. My favorite sentence:
Now I was a sea creature interacting among his peers.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
You might want to take a second look at paragraph six, where the verb tenses switch. It's an easy fix.

*BulletB* In conclusion
I laughed when I read the conclusion. For added emphasis, you might consider setting off the final line using a colon to isolate your request.
my first words to my brother was [where do we get this tank refilled]
my first words to my brother was were: "Where do we get this tank refilled?"
It's just a thought off the top of my head for you to consider or ignore.

Thanks for the opportunity to review this, and relive some of my memories while I read yours.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1344
1344
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi jaya Author Icon I'm here today to offer a return peer review-one reader's reaction.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
What grabbed me the most was the ending. Nothing pointed the way, making it that much more effective. You lulled me into a snow-land lullaby and then threw s snowball in my face. Impressive technique.

*BulletB* What I liked
This sentence evoked a strong reaction and vivid picture:
The waterfall on the opposite hill looked like a vertical white ribbon decorating the hillside

Paragraph five was unique, and this was a favorite sentence:
Her young body glistened with snowflakes landing on her arms and face.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
I'm not throwing stones, or snowballs, but I noticed several cliches which actually was part of the lullaby, if I look at it another way.

I noticed you named the emotions rather than showing them. This comes to mind because I am reading Self-Editing for Fiction Writers and the thoughts are fresh in my mind.

*BulletB* In conclusion
Thanks for the opportunity to review this. Please disregard any comments that do not help you. I'm only me.


** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1345
1345
Review of The Guide  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Auntynae Author Icon I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
I found the plot intriguing, but wondered why this woman jumped at the opportunity. Suspense is created by avoiding this issue and it's only after she's on the plane and relaxed the unlikeliness of the windfall occurs to her.

I would expect her to have internet access during the flight and find out the truth. It's a little unbelievable, but she's a strong character and easy to identify with.

*BulletB* What I liked
The mystery of this piece builds with each paragraph, and all the information she receives seems to alleviate her concerns. Right up until the confusing conclusion. Is the guide leading her into her "real" life as in she has been hallucinating or experiencing an alternate existence. Maybe she's the missing heir to a fortune, or the person who saves the earth and the elaborate ruse was the only way to rescue her.

I would be absolutely terrified, not just concerned to be driving in a Jeep with a man she never met before. Of course, she has no control over her situation, but I would have liked to see more emotion from her.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
P 12 “But, but I have a ticket and paperwork here saying I have a reservation. See” I said showing him my reservation sheet."
I suggest using a question mark after See? and closing the quotation marks there.

P 17 Gently inserting himself between me and my bags, he said, “here, let me get those.”
Suggest capitalizing "here."

P 26 Harry had driven for quite some time before I finally thought to ask how much further.
Suggest farther, not further. Probably just a typo.

*BulletB* In conclusion
Not all of the story stands up in the face of reason, but it was still a fun story to read.  *Smile*

Thanks for the opportunity to read this. Please ignore any comments that are not beneficial.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1346
1346
Review of Shorty and I  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi! I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
This story is so open and honest. It's as if I'm listening to the story, not reading the words. It's difficult for me to read about hunting because I am a vegetarian, but nothing was offensive or disturbing. It was part of your life.

*BulletB* What I liked
This is not only a story of a boy and dog, it's about WW2 and how it affected people. Your grandmother. You spoke of her devotion to Shorty because she felt a link to her son, and I definitely see that through your eyes.

The compassion you showed Shorty, returning home when he became aware you were off on your own touched me. I had no idea how big she was until you wrote of carrying her home. In a fiction story, an author would have to find a way to express this. Life is much easier than writing, but you excel at both.

I'm so happy Shorty chose to release his hold on life while sleeping. The description of the burial sent chills across my arms. Maybe because I've had so many animals die over the years.

You're correct. No animal can replace another. We had cats, and Dancer lived seventeen years. We tried and tried, but there was only one Dancer and he is gone. I'm afraid I kept him captive when I should have chosen putting him to sleep. His death was not easy, but the vet said I suffered more than Dancer. I hope so.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
I did not see any errors.

*BulletB* In conclusion
It's time to wrap up this rambling review. It's an indication of outstanding writing when the author provokes a strong response from a reader. Thanks for the opportunity to review this.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1347
1347
Review of The Room  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Nokian M. Author Icon I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction. I found your story here:

"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
I spent a considerable amount of time reading and contemplating this and discovered I'm not as smart as I thought. This is an amazing piece of writing. The adjustments the prisoner made using only his mind, the way he found to cope was brilliant. He decided his torture was his job.

And in the end, his story is true in that he found his job as the colonel unbearable, that he was not a prisoner at all. He's suffering from a coma. He is and is not the colonel. I'm thinking while I'm typing. And letting the world know I'm an idiot.

It seemed strange in the end that his family came to see him and they had not aged. The person is an old man; he saw his reflection in the mirror.

*BulletB* What I liked
Even though I'm lost, I was captivated by the story. The structure is unusual, it threw me off balance.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
There's a few mistakes here and there, but I think you meant to spell barking, not parking when you referred to the dogs.

*BulletB* In conclusion
This isn't much of a review, but I was here and wanted you to know. I often wonder why people read something, but never remark on it. I did not want to be one of those people. Thanks for making me think today.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1348
1348
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi dejavu_BIG computerprobs Author Icon I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction. I found your story in this month's Drama NL.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
You created a complex character for this story, and you made me care for him because you showed his brighter side, past and the life circumstances that rubbed out his sunny nature and turned him into a villain.

*BulletB* What I liked
The plot moved in an ever-widening arc as you revealed bits of detail. At first, there's no indication what this man's intentions are, no explanation for his observations and attitudes. My eyes flew through the story; I was so involved, I needed instant gratification.

I returned to read the story several times over, marveling at your technique, your hard work that made this piece flawless. Any author knows a sterling write comes from edit after edit until every single word makes its mark.

You engaged the reader's senses. Of course an alley smelling of rotten food and urine is stereotypical, but who ever heard of a clean alley? You put enough of a spin on it to make it your own.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
My only observation, and this is pure author's preference; in the last paragraph you used the adverb "quickly" and that's fine. It gets the job done. However, because of the excellence in this piece, it stood out, apart from the rest.

Okay, two observations.

P 4 The brick of the building was hot and rough against my skin.
The paragraph is predominately present tense, and I wonder, even though it might sound off, if "the building is hot" makes more sense.

*BulletB* In conclusion
You created a complex "bad guy" and accomplished your objective. He's still a dark one when the story wraps up and that makes sense. He's saddened, but comfortable with how he handled the situation. There was no revelation, which would have been out of place. "It is what it is" for this guy. For him, the kill was unprofessional and wasteful, absolutely spot-on for his character.

Overall, an accomplished and brilliant write.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1349
1349
Review of The Kids' Table  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Pretty Good Scott Author Icon I'm here today to offer a return peer review-one reader's reaction.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
Your story brought back memories of a summer resort where my family vacationed. The adults and children were separated all day, and we dined in separate dining rooms. Unlike the believable character you created, I had no desire to partake in adult conversation.

Later in life, I was the one sitting at the adult table, while the younger family members looked downcast when they found their place setting once again, at the children's table.

*BulletB* What I liked
The young person's longing to be part of the cabal—creative word—is easily identified with, despite never experiencing this. I sensed disappointment around the corner, or should I say the other table, and was saddened when all his/her hopes and aspirations were unappreciated, and if I'm reading this correctly, never given the opportunity to enlighten the grown-ups.

Returning to my personal experiences--the graduated children were included, and encouraged to participate in the conversation. Wise adults use this time to find out exactly what's going on in a young person's mind. It gives the child a sense of self-esteem.

I connected enough with your character to feel saddened by his awakening.

I liked your word choices; they were unusual and kept the plot interesting.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
Grammatical errors, incorrect punctuation and misspells distracted me from the plot.

The first sentence is a bit awkward. The punctuation feels disruptive; family gatherings imply,
"Thanksgiving, birthdays, anniversaries, parties, etc..."
and you might consider leaving out the specific detailing. It would clean up the appearance and take away the odd punctuation. The entire paragraph can be tightened, and there might be a more precise way to word this phrase.
"where there were two tables set up."

It's fairly smooth sailing until paragraph five.
the days just filled with what's going on in the world; breaking down such up-to-date political or sports figures, or the latest information on celebrities and the messes they created for themselves.
If you choose a semicolon, both sentences must be complete, with verb and noun.

P 6 One evening, my Dad invited me up to the Big People's table.
Dad need not be capitalized because it's not a proper noun in this sentence.

P 19 In other words, boring stuff!
I don't think you need an exclamation mark here. (I think)I'm familiar enough with your character to imagine him disappointed. It is your story.

P 22 It was then that I realized that I could never go back
In the interest of making every word count: "I realized I could never go back."

...is grown-ups can keep their focus far [olnger] than the kids – not that that helps.
Ops, misspell. [longer]. The phrase after the dash is awkward.

*BulletB* In conclusion
As the story concludes, your character is a grown up, and has learned to communicate at their level, yet he continues to deride them. I found this conflicting. If he stayed "young at heart" or something similar, he might scoff at the adults.

What a shame we all rush headlong to the next phase in our lives, only to be disappointed when we reach our destination. I find it's easier to live without expectations.

Thanks for the opportunity to read this. Please remember these are my thoughts, and mine alone. You're free to ignore or explore them, whatever feels right to you--the author. *Smile*


** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1350
1350
Review of It Was Decided  Open in new Window.
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi aralls I'm here today to offer a peer review-one reader's reaction.

*BulletB* Thoughts/Impressions
The relationship between siblings and Joey's innocent, yet wise, questions provided an excellent device to unveil Amelia's prejudiced point of view.

*BulletB* What I liked
In the first few sentences, there's nothing to frame the setting; is the story about the grown-up world, and the issue of equal rights, which seemed unlikely because societal advancement has almost evened the playing field.

Up pops, Amelia, and through her inner thoughts, it's evident a child is observing. Great job off-setting Joey's kindness with Amelia's actions. She must evolve.

I liked the details that enriched the story. Some may point a finger, or shake a head at the inclusion of adverbs and adjectives. Without those modifiers, the story would not have worked.

*BulletB* Editor's Desk
P 3 “Amelia?” her brother’s voice squeaked as he tapped her shoulder.
Capitalize "her".

P 5 “Joey, did ya get your shoes on?” [she asked] not even waiting to find out what he wanted.
Does the "she asked" sound unnecessary to you because the sentence is a question?

“Can I ask ya one more thing, ‘melia?”
Should 'melia have a capital M? No, because the A is dropped? Just asking.

*BulletB* In conclusion
I was drawn into Amelia's head, understanding her complaints, but Joey shows her another way to think. Another astounding write.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **
1,519 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 61 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nixie9/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/54