Hi mikema63  Thank you for requesting a review!
Overall Impression
The overall mystery of this story kept me guessing until the end, although I had suspicions with your foreshadowing. One of my favorite moments:
The man poked Brian in the temple and said, “full stop.”
More clues appeared as the plot unfolded, but I was still surprised when I reached the conclusion.
Observations:
Mostly I have questions and suggestions. Because this is a contest piece, I am pointing out all the errors I'm seeing. Don't worry, the majority are simple edits, nothing dramatic or extensive. 
In the first paragraph, "Brian Trant pulled . . . " should be in the same paragraph as the dialogue that opens the story. (Always keep action and dialogue together.)
A young girl apparently, a strangely dressed one at that
Overall, the plot would be stronger with some added details. I think you have 1000 words to work with. Why did the 'author' think she was strangely dressed? Her presence was confusing. Maybe a short description of her clothes would help. Why was the girl rifling through the author's drawers? No one is allowed to touch anything in a museum display. Why did she act sarcastically toward Brian? (She smirked. Stuck out her tongue.)
Setting can be more clear
Even though some answers are revealed in the twist, I was riddled with confusion throughout because much of the action cannot be 'seen' in context to the setting, and I hoped my questions would be answered when the story closed.
'Curator' implies museum. I think you're trying to clue in the reader when the curator and the girl can vanish through walls and Brian can't. Is the android in a glass cube that people can walk through?
Why did the man go around knocking on the walls?
Why did he bring a bag into the room? I thought it was his lunch. Can he bring in his briefcase?
Obviously, you need this action for the conclusion to work, but why would the 'author' take the device? Out of curiosity? Can you add some dialogue here? For example: "This is curious. I wonder what it does?"
Dialogue corrections
“Where did you come from?” He asked.
You don't need any dialogue tag here. We know who's talking and the punctuation tells us he's asking.
“That way,” She replied, pointing at a blank wall.
“That way,” [s]he replied, pointing at a blank wall.
She is not capitalized.
Where’s your parents?”
Where're your parents? [Where's] is a contraction for [where is] so [Where is your parents] is not correct.
“Can’t you see the door?” [She said smirking.]
She's asking a question, obvious because of the punctuation, so you don't need a dialogue tag. Try this.
“Can’t you see the door?” She smirked.
[]Don’t touch me!
Need opening quotation mark.
but no matter what he did the door refused to yield to him.
“the hell, where you come from? Where’d that girl go?[]
Just need closing quotes here.
“full stop.”
"Full stop."
“You’ll never finish, it didn’t work, hmm.”
Since the man is first addressing the "author," and then commenting to himself, I would change the punctuation. What 'it' is could be more specific for clarity. "You'll never finish." You can add a gesture in here to indicate he's not longer addressing the character. "How odd. The command (or whatever you want to call it)didn't work."
He jumped up and grabbed her arm[] pulling her out of his drawers.
He stopped[] realizing
started walking around the room []knocking on the walls.
He stood stock still by his bag[] staring at Brian.
Comma before participle phrase to refer action back to subject
“No, you remember that girl?”
It's unclear what the 'no' is referring to. The 'author' is asking the man to leave, so does the 'no' answer that question? Then, I have to ask why can't he leave? Assuming the answer is "I can't leave." here's an example for clarity.
"No, I can't leave." You can add in a gesture here. He scratched his chin/narrowed his eyes/frowned/lifted an eyebrow and then continue the dialogue. "You remember the girl?"
Brian sighed and walked up to the man and grabbed his arm.
Brian sighed,[comma] and walked up to the man and grabbed his arm.
man pulled away from him[] and backed into the wall and vanished
The man pulled away from him, backed into the wall and vanished
Brian looked at it with shock; He walked
Brian looked at it with shock; he walked
No caps after a semicolon
There wasn’t any sign of anything being wrong, but the man had left a bag in a corner of the room, and the doors still wouldn’t open.
If you use active, not passive, verbs, you'll have more words to work with.
"Nothing seemed wrong, but the man left his bag, and the doors still wouldn't open."
How does 'nothing seeming wrong' relate to the bag and the doors?
Wow, I feel as if I'm rewriting your story and that bothers me.
Brian looked around the room and noticed the man left a bag. He started rooting through it, still wondering why the doors wouldn't budge.
He turned [around] and looked [around] his
Omit word repetition. He turned and looked around . . .
Something picky:
flipping a closed for repair sign over the door.
flipping a 'closed for repair' sign over the door.
how the android was being uppity, it shouldn’t
semicolon or period. how the android was being uppity[,] it shouldn’t
In Closing
Your plot and story concept are unique.
The presentation is 'dialogue' dominated, try adding in some description or more character action.
The android seemed more like he was developing sentience, becoming self-aware, beyond his programming, not uppity. Maybe you want that to be obvious for the reader, but leave the curator clueless, which works.
Another question (very picky)
Why would the curator be responsible for replacing the android? He has technical knowledge?
I'm only one reader and maybe my questions don't matter; however it's important for the author to make sure he/she is showing the reader what is intended. I read this several times last night before I started the review because it made no sense. Nothing seemed related to anything else. Of course, you can't give away too much detail and ruin the twist; you're walking a fine line here.
Who was the girl? A visitor? What if, instead of adding in a new character, the girl and the curator close the story. If the girl asks. "That's a weird android. Is something wrong with it?" The curator can answer.
I'm not tearing your story apart; its a good one. The curator acting frightened in the presence of the 'author' worked well; in fact, it was my favorite part. The android's questions were appropriate and his confusion was crucial to develop the plot. The assumption that the girl should be with her parents was a tender moment; Brian was very human, annoyed and concerned.
If you have any questions, please feel free to send an email. Remember, the story is yours, and only you know what works. My hope is that by answering my endless questions, you will solidify the plot, making it stronger. 
As always, thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work!
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  |
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