Hi,Words' Queen  Please accept this as a peer review-one reader's opinion.
Overall Impression/Thoughts
It took quite some time to work my way to the middle of the story, where your writing skills come to life. I was frustrated up to that point, and then the errors disappeared, the story flowed, and I was transported. 
Plot/Character/Setting
Annabella, Kennie, and Aden are three teens with supernatural powers. The plot brings to mind the "Harry Potter" stories, and X-Men, both having secret buildings where they are safe. I chose a few dialogue moments that helped me connect to the characters.
Annabella “Didn’t you read the latest fashion magazine? Oh right, you can’t read.”
Kennie "Aden reached out a hand to hold on to me while I did my best to shrug it off."
Personally, I thought it was just some kind of sadistic entertainment
Kennie's off-hand remarks add to her character. One thought. We know it's Kennie's thoughts, so [personally] and [I thought]are extraneous. At this point, I'm losing track of which character is speaking.
About halfway through the plot, Aden says:
What just happened?” Aden said, his expression on his face the definition of comically stunned.
That's absolutely what I was wondering. Kennie's crossing through the swamp is detailed and vivid. I realize she's the main character, but it felt as if Aden's and Annabelle's mishaps were downplayed, or nonexistent.
The description of Kennie being drawn away from reality by "her" music was outstanding. You set me on edge, and I discovered I was worried for everyone's safety. Nothing was certain; the plot could have twisted several different ways. Nicely done.
If you can find your way to the paragraph that begins with:
Both of them turned to look at me . . .
The following thoughts and then the remarks in brackets showed me another side of Kennie. She's considered the strongest and the leader. Suggest enhancing these two paragraphs, because they're strong. Rather than showing Kennie's thoughts in brackets, perhaps having her "say" "I know exactly what the twins will say" And then type it out. Another thought about your mention of trouble with italics; maybe you used the brackets because of your difficulties.
When Aden is healing Annabelle, and Kennie relates the dangers of going too far, I wanted to reach into the story and pull Aden out. What a relief when they all survived to conquer the next challenge.
Suggestions
P 3 Unlike many other fake fantasy/adventure [story]
[stories]
P 3 [fifteen year old girl].
Hyphenate words that modify a noun. [fifteen-year-old girl]
P 5 The writer’s descendant, who was a powerful elementalist[] got together
missing comma after elementalist; non-essential clause
P 7 the Protectors began to look towards strong ordinary mortals to continue the blood
bloodline
P 11 It was my BFF Annabelle, followed by her twin brother Aden.
Acronyms like [BFF] are unprofessional. One reason is because although its trendy now, will it always make sense? {BFF] is often used in emails and casual correspondence, but generally not in fictional pieces. Later, in the story, BFF is an essential element, and I understand now why you used it.
P 14 Aden on the other hand is an Earth elementalist, which [made] him very protective of nature
Verb tense shift Aden is/makes him
he’s a vegetarian and often counsels people[] the recycling business.
This reads like an incomplete thought.
P 19 A couple of voice[] giggled as if it was the funniest joke they have ever heard.
[voices]
P 20 I clenched my fists, and tried to breathe through my teeth and turned around to meet the speaker,
Elements in a series: I clenched my fists, {x}and{/x} tried to breathe through my teeth. and turned around to meet the speaker,
S 2 Outside the school, the wind howled angrily.
}[howling] implies anger or fury, no need to augment the verb with an adverb. Yeah! Adverbs are avoided.
P 21 Annabelle’s eyes widened as she noticed the unnatural wind and[] Aden took a step forward, almost as if to restrain me.
Comma after [and] to join a compound sentence.
P 22 “Gabriella honey,” Annabelle interrupted sweetly.
Wonderful! another opportunity to x-out an unwanted, unnecessary adverb. Because you had Annabelle 'say' [honey] you excelled at using dialogue to convey emotions without adding an adverb to a dialogue tag. Honey implies sweetness, and we already know Gabriella and Annabelle are exchanging vicious comments.
I'm beginning new paragraph counts at the break to avoid confusion.
I still had to go through a flaming volcano, build an igloo in an eternally warm sea[] and capture the one-eyed golden flamingo.
missing comma. Elements in a series.
{c:rose:} P 2 entertainment for those dusty[] bored[] old elementalists
missing commas.
P 10 S 1 Swamps were like water, except thick and way more muddier
p 10 S 3 And swamps were way worst than water.
I'm torn here. You can assume readers know what a swamp is, but maybe Kennie(?) needs to expalin it.
In the author's notes, you mentioned trouble with italics. You can show this in one of two ways. In your word program, use {{i}} and {{/i}} around the words you want in italics. (remove the outer two brackets.) Secondly, once you're in your portfolio, you can highlight the words and select the icon in the menu above. (It's the second one in, right before the underline.
Parting comments
The central story is strong and the characters compelling. You have some editing to complete before this gem is polished. The entire beginning threw me off; I would rather have started reading when the action began. Also, the asides made by Kennie confused me and took me out of the experience, something not good.
I know the Suggestion area looks over-loaded, but all those comments pertain to the beginning of the story, so don't be discouraged. Keep editing and then edit some more. It takes time and dedication, but it's obvious you're fascinated with your plot, and that makes the tedious process worthwhile.
Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. Please remember, my thoughts are my own for you to explore or ignore. Had I not cared for your story, I would have sent a brief review. My intention is to encourage you in your endeavor. Keep writing!
** Image ID #1910116 Unavailable ** |
XGC,
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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I have spilled my purse contents in public, have tripped while walking, and although my feet are small, I quite often drift into the person walking next to me. It's a matter of balance. But even I can't keep up with Ginger's mishaps.
I noticed in both pieces I read you use exclamation marks, which are not widely seen. The exclamation should be through the character, not the narrator. Does that make sense?
