Interesting tale you have here! Really good interaction between the characters. I found Eroll to be a character himself!
First, you need to go into edit and list this as a Script/Play rather than a Short Story. That confused me at first, but the more I read, the more I realized this was written in play form.
Use a space between paragraphs and between quotations. This will make it so much easier to read.
Also, use a line break or an extra space between scene and action changes. This will allow anyone reading your play to better follow the action.
Make sure that when you are quoting you characters, that you begin the sentences with capital letters. There are several places where you didn't.
He has a certain *whit
wit
The *Third is *tom
The third is Tom
but he lacks *the Jules's intelligence
You can drop "the."
a servant to *the Lucifer
Drop "the."
too much to *bare
bear
coming *form the flames
from (I do this ALL the time!)
The man cried out what are you doing and Balboa said, what will you give me if I save you.
Do it this way:
The man cried out 'What are you doing?' and Balboa said, 'What will you give me if I save you?'
mesin' should be messin'
*H runs
He
The flames begin *form shapes
forming
drags him away *form the flame
from
This is basically what I see. Work with this and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to e-mail me.
Sandra,
I really love the dialect you use in this! Along with the description, it brings this piece to life.
My only complaint is that I wanted more. I think you could add more details and more character interaction, etc., and this would be a wonderful story. Run with it, play with it, build on it. I think you'll be surprised at how much more you can do with this!
This is some teaser! This sounds like a book I would buy and read.
I could relate to parts of this. I live in Oklahoma right now, about an hour south of the City.
And the agoraphobia thing jumped out at me. I've had 3 rather nasty bouts with that. No fun at all!
There are a few misspellings in this. You might want to check for those.
Other than that, I felt this is well written. It grabbed me and made me want more. You have a great writing style that makes your reader feel that you are talking directly to them.
Best of luck with this! I'm rooting for you!
I like the lack of capitalization in this piece. It seems to magnify the innocence of the questions. Questions, it seems that begin in childhood and sometimes never cease in adulthood.
Excellant work!
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This poem asks the question that we all must face at one time or another in our lives. That is something your readers can identify with easily.
I like the conversational feel of this. Read it aloud and see if you think you can change anything to make it read more flowing. (This is a great trick in writing! )
Keep writing!
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I think this would make rather a good story. I like the point of view of the wolf.
There are a lot of misspelled words you need to correct. Some words are capitalized when they don't need to be. Commas are missing in places.
Rewriting is a big part of a writer's life. Don't be discouraged! We ALL do it. I see something I feel needs changed nearly every time I reread one of my poems.
Keep writing~
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You have a beautiful writing style! You incorporate all the senses into your words. I was completely drawn into the scene with your imagery.
Your characters play off one another very naturally.
A few comments:
In the second paragraph, I'm to assume you are describing fireflies. The description itself is breathtaking. However, somewhere in your wording, you need to make it clear that this is what you are describing. This helps those readers who have never experienced the magic of fireflies understand what you are describing.
It was beautiful.
In the previous paragraphs, you have shown your readers how beautiful it is. This sentence only tells them what they already realize. I feel you could leave it out and it won't hurt the integrity of the piece at all.
The tall grass *ticked my skin, ...
tickled
He kissed me back.
With all the wonderful sensual imagery going on, this sentence seemed to fall flat. Maybe something like, "He gently returned my kiss." Play with it until you find something that fits with the mood of the piece.
I could taste the minty fresh flavor of Donovan's gum.
Nice descriptive sentence, but "minty fresh flavor" reads like a commercial to me. What flavor gum is it? Peppermint? Spearmint? Using an exact flavor in this case would add to the sensory images that you have.
I like the questions that Alice is constantly asking throughout. These are things that we all wonder about in a relationship, especially in the newer phases.
I really enjoyed reading this! As I mentioned, I really was impressed with the was you brought all of the senses into your imagery.
Wonderful work!
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kiwidragon,
What a beautiful story! Very touching indeed.
Your description took me into the scenes and so much of it flowed poetic.
My comments:
"mans nature" should be "man's nature." Show the possessive.
She was the epitome of lonliness, the last grape on a shriveled up vine.
This is one of those poetic instances. I love this sentence!
,but it lacked what made people human, love.
Try to set "love" apart. This will give it more impact. I think that setting it as a one word sentence would do the trick.
pink as a *babies bottom
This should read "baby's."
with a pot leaves on it
Either "with pot leaves on it" or "with a pot leaf on it."
A crazy *crony...
"Crony" is " a close friend."
"Crone" is "a withered, witchlike old woman."
I like the way you gave each character their own voice and thoughts. It gives the story depth.
Nice work! I enjoyed reading it!
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Pheonix,
The words are so obviously from your heart--this brought me to tears. I am so sorry about the loss of your uncle, especially in such a senseless manner.
My wish is that those who read this poem walk away thinking twice (or more!) before driving while intoxicated.
This touched me deeply, thank you for sharing it.
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Lisa,
This is excellant!
You asked me to review the first chapter not very long ago, so this caught my eye.
Nice flow in the continuation. I like the fact that the readers will get both sides of the story.
I found nothing to comment on.
Wonderful job!
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Omega,
I love this!
I especially like the comparison of the tree in winter and the old woman's life--the cycle of the seasons and of our lives.
I feel this is well written and flows nicely.
I enjoyed reading it!
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Purplefocus,
This is gorgeous! Ah, to be kissed like that!
You use of imagery intensifies the feeling of this poem. I like that!
Thanks for sharing--I enjoyed reading this!
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DesertRose,
Very nice!
I like the honesty of this poem. It is straightforward and doesn't leave me wondering what you meant.
Very well written!
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Matthew,
Wow! This is a powerful story!
It grabbed me from the first word and held on tight to the last.
This piece was plugged on the Sing Someone's Praises page. Someone obviously knew a good story when they saw it!
My only comment:
When quoting the lyrics, center them and put them in italics. This will set them off even better than quotations.
Great work!
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Harddrive,
This is a beautiful follow-up to the first part!
It answers any questions your readers might have been left with.
This piece was also listed on the Sing Someone's Praises page. I'm glad that these were included!
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Harddrive,
A very touching story! This deserves 5 stars!
Not a thing out of place. It reads wonderfully!
This, by the way, was plugged on the Sing Someone's Praises page. It is a page on which someone plugs work that has moved them in some way. I can see why this was chosen!
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