I like the lack of capitalization in this piece. It seems to magnify the innocence of the questions. Questions, it seems that begin in childhood and sometimes never cease in adulthood.
Excellant work!
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This poem asks the question that we all must face at one time or another in our lives. That is something your readers can identify with easily.
I like the conversational feel of this. Read it aloud and see if you think you can change anything to make it read more flowing. (This is a great trick in writing! )
Keep writing!
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I think this would make rather a good story. I like the point of view of the wolf.
There are a lot of misspelled words you need to correct. Some words are capitalized when they don't need to be. Commas are missing in places.
Rewriting is a big part of a writer's life. Don't be discouraged! We ALL do it. I see something I feel needs changed nearly every time I reread one of my poems.
Keep writing~
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You have a beautiful writing style! You incorporate all the senses into your words. I was completely drawn into the scene with your imagery.
Your characters play off one another very naturally.
A few comments:
In the second paragraph, I'm to assume you are describing fireflies. The description itself is breathtaking. However, somewhere in your wording, you need to make it clear that this is what you are describing. This helps those readers who have never experienced the magic of fireflies understand what you are describing.
It was beautiful.
In the previous paragraphs, you have shown your readers how beautiful it is. This sentence only tells them what they already realize. I feel you could leave it out and it won't hurt the integrity of the piece at all.
The tall grass *ticked my skin, ...
tickled
He kissed me back.
With all the wonderful sensual imagery going on, this sentence seemed to fall flat. Maybe something like, "He gently returned my kiss." Play with it until you find something that fits with the mood of the piece.
I could taste the minty fresh flavor of Donovan's gum.
Nice descriptive sentence, but "minty fresh flavor" reads like a commercial to me. What flavor gum is it? Peppermint? Spearmint? Using an exact flavor in this case would add to the sensory images that you have.
I like the questions that Alice is constantly asking throughout. These are things that we all wonder about in a relationship, especially in the newer phases.
I really enjoyed reading this! As I mentioned, I really was impressed with the was you brought all of the senses into your imagery.
Wonderful work!
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kiwidragon,
What a beautiful story! Very touching indeed.
Your description took me into the scenes and so much of it flowed poetic.
My comments:
"mans nature" should be "man's nature." Show the possessive.
She was the epitome of lonliness, the last grape on a shriveled up vine.
This is one of those poetic instances. I love this sentence!
,but it lacked what made people human, love.
Try to set "love" apart. This will give it more impact. I think that setting it as a one word sentence would do the trick.
pink as a *babies bottom
This should read "baby's."
with a pot leaves on it
Either "with pot leaves on it" or "with a pot leaf on it."
A crazy *crony...
"Crony" is " a close friend."
"Crone" is "a withered, witchlike old woman."
I like the way you gave each character their own voice and thoughts. It gives the story depth.
Nice work! I enjoyed reading it!
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Pheonix,
The words are so obviously from your heart--this brought me to tears. I am so sorry about the loss of your uncle, especially in such a senseless manner.
My wish is that those who read this poem walk away thinking twice (or more!) before driving while intoxicated.
This touched me deeply, thank you for sharing it.
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Lisa,
This is excellant!
You asked me to review the first chapter not very long ago, so this caught my eye.
Nice flow in the continuation. I like the fact that the readers will get both sides of the story.
I found nothing to comment on.
Wonderful job!
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Omega,
I love this!
I especially like the comparison of the tree in winter and the old woman's life--the cycle of the seasons and of our lives.
I feel this is well written and flows nicely.
I enjoyed reading it!
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Purplefocus,
This is gorgeous! Ah, to be kissed like that!
You use of imagery intensifies the feeling of this poem. I like that!
Thanks for sharing--I enjoyed reading this!
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DesertRose,
Very nice!
I like the honesty of this poem. It is straightforward and doesn't leave me wondering what you meant.
Very well written!
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Matthew,
Wow! This is a powerful story!
It grabbed me from the first word and held on tight to the last.
This piece was plugged on the Sing Someone's Praises page. Someone obviously knew a good story when they saw it!
My only comment:
When quoting the lyrics, center them and put them in italics. This will set them off even better than quotations.
Great work!
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Harddrive,
This is a beautiful follow-up to the first part!
It answers any questions your readers might have been left with.
This piece was also listed on the Sing Someone's Praises page. I'm glad that these were included!
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Harddrive,
A very touching story! This deserves 5 stars!
Not a thing out of place. It reads wonderfully!
This, by the way, was plugged on the Sing Someone's Praises page. It is a page on which someone plugs work that has moved them in some way. I can see why this was chosen!
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jetrepair,
This is a well-written and powerful piece. You have laid out your case in a conversational tone--I like that.
A few comments: ...was the only recourse available to me (God only knows why.)
Place the period on the outside of the parentheses.
The problem *lie...
"Lay" rather than "lie."
(...what her wishes might be, however.)
Again, place the period on the outside of the parentheses.
"the residence of the accused"
This works fine. However, don't use it in back-to-back sentences. It comes across as repetitive. Try something else in one sentence or the other.
As I mentioned, I really like the style of this piece!
Keep up the good work!
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Vivian,
What a great story! I was engrossed from beginning to end!
The dreams and the storms added a great deal to the suspense.
I really enjoyed reading this!
Excellant!
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Brian,
This is a very nice beginning to your novel!
My comments:
The opening paragraph is great! It captures the reader's interest and is well written. Good work!
The mystery man is an intriguing character. You give the reader just enough info to keep them curious and to have him in their mind while reading.
Good character development on Karen. She seems so real and your readers will be able to identify with her and empathize with her.
The trasitions between scenes is smooth and natural. The reader will know there is a transition without feeling like it hit them on the head.
"two-storey" should be "two-story" (unless you want the British feel)
You got to drink last time.
and Damn alcohol.
These are thoughts of Karen's and should be in italics so that your readers will realize that these are set apart.
This was a delight to read! Great work!
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Harry,
This is very powerful! I like the way you set up most of the poem with the vivid example of the cat, using only the last stanza and couplet on your point about man. Very clever!
An excellant poem--and yes, it does cause one to think.
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Karumi,
This is short, sweet and paints a word picture that I can envision. In just four short lines, you have shown a lot!
Very nice work!
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Darla,
This could be a really intriguing tale with a little work.(Don't worry. We, as writers, are forever working on our pieces! ** Image ID #confused Unavailable ** )
To make this flow better, add detail. Who is Lydia? Describe her. Describe her house, especially the kitchen since this is where the better part of the story takes place. This will draw your readers into the story and keep them interested.
Give us more info on Bar-Bar. How did he come to be? how did Lydia first meet this strange creature? What is his purpose? And of course, describe him in detail.
Look hard at each sentence. Read it aloud. Does it make sense? Does it say exactly what you want it to? Make every word count.
A few examples:
Once again, she got quickly dressed with the usual gear and went downstairs. She heard where the boom had come from the kitchen...again.
Try something along the lines of: She quickly pulled on her robe again and made her way downstairs. She knew where the noise had come from...the kitchen.
Do you see the difference?
But Lydia saw her own brilliant green eyes that everything was not fine.
But Lydia saw that everything was not fine. (In some cases, you don't need all the extra description. A simple sentence will make your point.)
The muddy brown jars that *were neatly in their own place were scattered..{/c]
Perhaps "had been" rather than "were." "Were" leads the reader to think that the jars are still in place, whereas "had been" clues them into the fact that something has taken place.
Just work on this some more and you will have a polished piece that readers will enjoy!
Keep writing!
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