jetrepair,
This is a well-written and powerful piece. You have laid out your case in a conversational tone--I like that.
A few comments: ...was the only recourse available to me (God only knows why.)
Place the period on the outside of the parentheses.
The problem *lie...
"Lay" rather than "lie."
(...what her wishes might be, however.)
Again, place the period on the outside of the parentheses.
"the residence of the accused"
This works fine. However, don't use it in back-to-back sentences. It comes across as repetitive. Try something else in one sentence or the other.
As I mentioned, I really like the style of this piece!
Keep up the good work!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
Vivian,
What a great story! I was engrossed from beginning to end!
The dreams and the storms added a great deal to the suspense.
I really enjoyed reading this!
Excellant!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
Brian,
This is a very nice beginning to your novel!
My comments:
The opening paragraph is great! It captures the reader's interest and is well written. Good work!
The mystery man is an intriguing character. You give the reader just enough info to keep them curious and to have him in their mind while reading.
Good character development on Karen. She seems so real and your readers will be able to identify with her and empathize with her.
The trasitions between scenes is smooth and natural. The reader will know there is a transition without feeling like it hit them on the head.
"two-storey" should be "two-story" (unless you want the British feel)
You got to drink last time.
and Damn alcohol.
These are thoughts of Karen's and should be in italics so that your readers will realize that these are set apart.
This was a delight to read! Great work!
** Image ID #841944 Unavailable **
Harry,
This is very powerful! I like the way you set up most of the poem with the vivid example of the cat, using only the last stanza and couplet on your point about man. Very clever!
An excellant poem--and yes, it does cause one to think.
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
** Image ID #825440 Unavailable **
** Image ID #843497 Unavailable **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #848377 by Not Available.
Karumi,
This is short, sweet and paints a word picture that I can envision. In just four short lines, you have shown a lot!
Very nice work!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #843506 by Not Available.
Darla,
This could be a really intriguing tale with a little work.(Don't worry. We, as writers, are forever working on our pieces! ** Image ID #confused Unavailable ** )
To make this flow better, add detail. Who is Lydia? Describe her. Describe her house, especially the kitchen since this is where the better part of the story takes place. This will draw your readers into the story and keep them interested.
Give us more info on Bar-Bar. How did he come to be? how did Lydia first meet this strange creature? What is his purpose? And of course, describe him in detail.
Look hard at each sentence. Read it aloud. Does it make sense? Does it say exactly what you want it to? Make every word count.
A few examples:
Once again, she got quickly dressed with the usual gear and went downstairs. She heard where the boom had come from the kitchen...again.
Try something along the lines of: She quickly pulled on her robe again and made her way downstairs. She knew where the noise had come from...the kitchen.
Do you see the difference?
But Lydia saw her own brilliant green eyes that everything was not fine.
But Lydia saw that everything was not fine. (In some cases, you don't need all the extra description. A simple sentence will make your point.)
The muddy brown jars that *were neatly in their own place were scattered..{/c]
Perhaps "had been" rather than "were." "Were" leads the reader to think that the jars are still in place, whereas "had been" clues them into the fact that something has taken place.
Just work on this some more and you will have a polished piece that readers will enjoy!
Keep writing!
** Image ID #841944 Unavailable **
Sarah,
A good poll. This should make us step back and take an honest look at ourselves as writers.
I feel my work is good. But I always feel there is room for improvement. That's where honest reviews come in handy. Other writers (and readers) aren't as close to what I write as I am. They are able to pick up on things I've missed or areas that need clarification.
Thanks! I like to be made to think!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
A good question!
I've found that ratings ebb and flow. At the low times, I don't get as many readings and reviews as I'd like. But when it is busy, I have enough to keep me busy. Even then, as a a writer, I'd always love to have more!!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
Lisa,
This is well said!
My dearest friend's oldest is much like your son. He was the teenager that wore black and listened to thrash metal. (Oh and the bass thing! (e:laugh}That too!) His tongue is pierced and he likes to talk about dark things.
But, if one watches him closely enough, they can see the beautiful heart that beats in his chest.
He is in his 30's now and to be a father in August. He'll make a great one!
This is what your words have brought to me. Watching Jody grow up.
From what you've written, I'd say your son is showing his beautiful heart too!
Thanks for sharing this!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
Incurable,
Thanks for this!
Should I ever find my special partner in life, I will think of this piece. (And more than likely have him read it too! )
It is nice to know that there are still romance left in this world. I seem to see so little of it in evidence anymore. This lifts my spirit!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
Lea,
This is a delightful story! It is written in such a way that children, as well as adults, can enjoy it.
One comment: "My house is made of rose *of petals, and the morning dew holds them together so well,"
You don't need the second "of." Other than that tiny thing, I love this sentence! It is so sweet and so visual. It makes me want to peer into my rose bushes looking for fairy houses!
I feel you did a wonderful job with this piece.
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
** Image ID #843497 Unavailable **
** Image ID #825440 Unavailable **
** Image ID #841944 Unavailable **
Beholden,
Nice, very nice.
I like the contrast of the beautiful word picture of each stanza followed by the question. I feel this causes the reader to pause a moment and reflect on the words they've just read. I know I did!
Wonderful work!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
Stephani,
I can relate to this poem so well!
I just turned 41 and I still have to deal with these issues from my mother. Sheesh!
My only comment is to capitalize Bubblicious because it is a brand name.
This piece speaks volumes. I like the way you wrote this piece! Very strong in emotion.
Bravo!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
Wow! Pass it on,
This is a really great newsletter!
I'm thrilled that I stumbled across it and subscribed.
Thanks for putting this out for us!
** Image ID #823394 Unavailable **
BeHereBook,
Welcome to Writing.Com! This is a great site with so much to do. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!
This is a really great poem! I like the way the rhyme flows and sings!
Nice!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
** Image ID #825440 Unavailable **
** Image ID #841944 Unavailable **
Good question.
I probably fall under several categories here. I have to say though, the creative outlet is my first and foremost reason to write.
Do I want to be published? Of course! It would be a dream come true.
Expression? Sure! Writing is an outlet for a variety of emotions and thoughts.
Fun? It would have to be. It keeps my enthusiasm strong.
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
Irishgal,
What a beautiful word picture!
Your description brings to mind the evenings I sit outside where I live now. I can go out and listen to the crickets, coyotes, owls, etc.
This is a wonderful piece of nostalgia.
Great work!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
** Image ID #825440 Unavailable **
** Image ID #841944 Unavailable **
Good question!
I listen to music if I need to set the mood for a piece. Other times, I need quiet to concentrate on my writing.
** Image ID #823394 Unavailable **
Katrina,
People will always have mixed emotions over anything artistic. Don't take it to heart.
Maybe for genres, instead of "inspirational" try "opinion" or better "personal."
Another possibility is to break this up into separate groups. It will make it shorter and this easier on your readers. Put it all in one folder, but separate them into school days, music quotes, etc.
This is something that you might even try to turn into a forum or in and out. Ah, the possibilities here at Writing.Com!
~Nikola
** Image ID #841944 Unavailable **
Alek,
Nice! It sounds as though the man has gone mad. Yet, it does keep your reader at the edge of their seat.
One comment: Would my catching it smile make it mad?
I don't feel you really need this particular sentence. If you do think it is necessary, reword it so that it flows better.
I think you could run with this and make an even more chilling story. I see two angles--a man losing his grip on reality and the eagle really is animate. I'm sure you would have even more ideas. Just a thought.
I enjoyed reading this--thanks for sharing!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
** Image ID #825440 Unavailable **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #832058 by Not Available.
Bia,
What a bittersweet story! I was pulling for Luis.
This is a well written piece.
I have a few comments:
"preformed" should be "performed"
He gagged on his coffee.
This should be a new paragraph. You have moved on to a new revelation.
door,never
Spaces.
One major thing I noticed is the constant use of "as if." It's okay to use this a little, but try to find different ways to word your sentences in other places. It becomes repetitive and takes away from your great description.
Good work--I enjoyed reading this!
** Image ID #823391 Unavailable **
** Image ID #825440 Unavailable **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #832058 by Not Available.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nmarshall/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/14
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.83 seconds at 3:20pm on Sep 16, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
)