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326
326
Review of The Battle Within  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Tani,
Wow! I'm usually not much into the sci-fi genre, but this story has my interest! I like the fact that it from a woman's point of view.

My comments:
The cold *stonewalls *seem such a contrast...
Stone walls and to keep with the verb tense, use "seemed"

metal *platted floor
Plated?

"with in" should be "within"

from *the inside the walls...
You don't need the first "the."

porcelain *colored throat
By now, the reader knows Kyra is human, so adding "colored" isn't necessary.

I really like the linking of the darkness of the castle colors (and the cold feel of it to Kyra's soul!

She was no longer in control of herself.
Throughout this paragraph, you are showing your readers this. You don't need to tell them also.

She stumbled *on a sort of drunken despair...
In?

, going *further deeper into the dungeon.
Don't need "further." You readers will understand.

At the end of chapter 1, I like the intertwining of the italicized sentences. Nice!

Chapter 2

After they served, the food, they left as well.
The first comma isn't necessary.

I feel you have a good story going here. Run with it!
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327
Review of Rate Yourself!  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sarah,
A good poll. This should make us step back and take an honest look at ourselves as writers.
I feel my work is good. But I always feel there is room for improvement. That's where honest reviews come in handy. Other writers (and readers) aren't as close to what I write as I am. They are able to pick up on things I've missed or areas that need clarification.
Thanks! I like to be made to think!
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328
328
Review of Feedback  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A good question!
I've found that ratings ebb and flow. At the low times, I don't get as many readings and reviews as I'd like. But when it is busy, I have enough to keep me busy. Even then, as a a writer, I'd always love to have more!!
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329
329
Review of My son is a punk  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lisa,
This is well said!
My dearest friend's oldest is much like your son. He was the teenager that wore black and listened to thrash metal. (Oh and the bass thing! (e:laugh}That too!) His tongue is pierced and he likes to talk about dark things.
But, if one watches him closely enough, they can see the beautiful heart that beats in his chest.
He is in his 30's now and to be a father in August. He'll make a great one!
This is what your words have brought to me. Watching Jody grow up.
From what you've written, I'd say your son is showing his beautiful heart too!
Thanks for sharing this!
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330
330
Rated: E | (5.0)
Incurable,
Thanks for this!
Should I ever find my special partner in life, I will think of this piece. (And more than likely have him read it too! *Wink*)
It is nice to know that there are still romance left in this world. I seem to see so little of it in evidence anymore. This lifts my spirit!
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331
331
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lea,
This is a delightful story! It is written in such a way that children, as well as adults, can enjoy it.

One comment:
"My house is made of rose *of petals, and the morning dew holds them together so well,"
You don't need the second "of." Other than that tiny thing, I love this sentence! It is so sweet and so visual. It makes me want to peer into my rose bushes looking for fairy houses!

I feel you did a wonderful job with this piece.
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332
332
Review of All that is Good  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beholden,
Nice, very nice.
I like the contrast of the beautiful word picture of each stanza followed by the question. I feel this causes the reader to pause a moment and reflect on the words they've just read. I know I did!
Wonderful work!
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333
333
Review of Speak Up Child  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Stephani,
I can relate to this poem so well!
I just turned 41 and I still have to deal with these issues from my mother. Sheesh!
My only comment is to capitalize Bubblicious because it is a brand name.

This piece speaks volumes. I like the way you wrote this piece! Very strong in emotion.
Bravo!
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334
334
Review of Who Knew  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
DesertRose,
A nice poem!
A few suggestions:
Group the "Who knew" lines with the ones following them. A space between then would work fine.

Also, since you are beginning the sentence with "who," it is a question, use a question mark.

Other than that, I like the wording and emotion.
Good work!
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335
335
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow! Pass it on,
This is a really great newsletter!
I'm thrilled that I stumbled across it and subscribed.
Thanks for putting this out for us!
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336
336
Review of Slow Your Pace!  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
BeHereBook,
Welcome to Writing.Com! This is a great site with so much to do. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

This is a really great poem! I like the way the rhyme flows and sings!
Nice!
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337
337
Review of Why do you write?  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Good question.
I probably fall under several categories here. I have to say though, the creative outlet is my first and foremost reason to write.
Do I want to be published? Of course! It would be a dream come true.
Expression? Sure! Writing is an outlet for a variety of emotions and thoughts.
Fun? It would have to be. It keeps my enthusiasm strong.
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338
338
Review of Crickets  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Irishgal,
What a beautiful word picture!
Your description brings to mind the evenings I sit outside where I live now. I can go out and listen to the crickets, coyotes, owls, etc.
This is a wonderful piece of nostalgia.
Great work!
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339
Review of Music and Writing  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good question!
I listen to music if I need to set the mood for a piece. Other times, I need quiet to concentrate on my writing.
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340
Review of Favorite quotes  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Katrina,
People will always have mixed emotions over anything artistic. Don't take it to heart.
Maybe for genres, instead of "inspirational" try "opinion" or better "personal."
Another possibility is to break this up into separate groups. It will make it shorter and this easier on your readers. Put it all in one folder, but separate them into school days, music quotes, etc.
This is something that you might even try to turn into a forum or in and out. Ah, the possibilities here at Writing.Com!
~Nikola
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341
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Review of Eagle  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Alek,
Nice! It sounds as though the man has gone mad. Yet, it does keep your reader at the edge of their seat.

One comment:
Would my catching it smile make it mad?
I don't feel you really need this particular sentence. If you do think it is necessary, reword it so that it flows better.

I think you could run with this and make an even more chilling story. I see two angles--a man losing his grip on reality and the eagle really is animate. I'm sure you would have even more ideas. Just a thought.
I enjoyed reading this--thanks for sharing!
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342
342
Rated: E | (4.5)
Bia,
What a bittersweet story! I was pulling for Luis.
This is a well written piece.

I have a few comments:
"preformed" should be "performed"

He gagged on his coffee.
This should be a new paragraph. You have moved on to a new revelation.

door,never
Spaces.

One major thing I noticed is the constant use of "as if." It's okay to use this a little, but try to find different ways to word your sentences in other places. It becomes repetitive and takes away from your great description.

Good work--I enjoyed reading this!
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343
Review of Garden of shadows  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Layla,
Very nice!
The imagery you used brings this poem to life.
I especially love the second and fourth stanzas.
I feel this is a piece to make yur readers pause and give thought to their own lives.
Well done!
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344
344
Review of "Everyday"  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jessica,
Nice poem! I like the flow and the rhyme scheme.

Only a few comments:
In the second stanza, third line: I feel you could omit "just."

In stanza six, "everyday" is mispelled.
"finger tips" should be one word.

Minor things one and all.
I enjoyed this poem. Brings back memories of my own!
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345
Review of Last One Standing  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Christine,
This is a very moving and powerful piece! The emotion carried throughout the story. Wonderful work!

Some comments:
I can picture Connie *sat on my sofa,...
Try "had sat" or probably better, "sitting."

"half lying" should be "laying"

...calling each other the other's wives...
This doesn't read clearly. Play with it some. Maybe just changing "wives" to "wife" might help.

...having moved to Wales, when she was seven with her alcoholic mother.
Change this around to read " "having moved to Wales with her alcoholic mother when she was seven." It will read smoother.

...that nearly tore her family even more apart.
Perhaps "...that nearly tore her family farther apart."

It was one of those things that unless you knew (...), you wouldn't.
You wouldn't what? Clarify this for your readers.

We thought we would be each other's bride's maids,...
Try "We would be one another's bridesmaids,...."

"before hand" should be "beforehand"

Her family are battling...
This should be "is" rather than "are."

...*their spray reaching us as they did.
Maybe "the spray."

I like the repetition of "Connie, Mary, Rose and Jade."
It keeps the fact strong in the reader's mind how close the friends are.

Very nice work!
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346
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Julian,
This is a really good piece! I have a lot of comments, but it is a very long story, so I still felt it deserved a good rating.

On to my comments:

...and what to look for *down at the bottom.
You really don't need "down" here.

"It won't..."
In this particular sentence, it should be "I" and not "it."

colorful dance *number
Omit "number." This story has a fantasy quality and adding the word makes it sound too modern.

Then, *as he turned around,* noticed* that all the fish had gone, leaving the water empty.
Perhaps "Then, turning around, he noticed ..."

Theo turned....
This is the very next sentence. The reader already knows that Theo has turned around.

...the shark broke away *for its orbit...
From

The shark reared back as the awful taste of the seaweed came over the *shark.
Use "it" the second time you mention the shark in the sentence. Otherwise, it is overkill.

The *sea weed soon covered up...
Seaweed

They walked up the sandy path, into town.
You don't need the comma.

Theo discarded this rule though, as he often did *to many of the others he felt were useless.
You don't really need "to."

Theo puffed out his chest, showing he wasn't scared of his father, even Theo was about two feet short of *hihim.
Perhaps "even though he was about two feet shorter than him."

Then, in the water, Theo saw his friend, the person who lived in the house he was knocking on, Malan.
Reword this to make it clearer. "Then, in the water, Theo saw his friend, Malan, who lived in the hut."

...and left Malan *in the stares of the people.
Try "with."

...not scream at *it."
Them

"awoken" should be "awakened"

"over head" should be "overhead"

"reprocussions" should be "repercussions"

In the part where the man asks Malan why she is out of her home, in her answer you didn't capitalize her name.

"enterred" should be "entered"

"fornt" should be "front"

"stair way" should be "stairway"

"back bone" should be "backbone"

...and a thought *ame to him.
Came

"Go home boy?"Lex sternly commanded.
Maybe an exclamation point rather than a question mark?

"some times" should be "sometimes"

But we should be able to fix the problem
End this with a period and quotation marks.

"Shut your mouth," his father yelled.
If he is yelling, use an exclamation point.

"good bye" should be "goodbye"

...and most of the shark sightings *enterred in that area.
Perhaps "...and most of the sharks sighted entered from that area."

he could barely see her now.
Capitalize "he."

"anyhting" should be "anything"

There was enough light *form the torches to see *where the far end of the cove.
"From." And, You could drop "where" and this would make perfect sense.

he didn't want to startle...
Capitalize "he."

"clothe coverred hand" should read "cloth-covered hand."

...and pulled it *form the ground.
From

*Eben though he could not see the shark, he knew it was there, he could *even feel the motions in the water created by *the shark.
Try "Even though he could not see the shark, he knew it was there. He could feel the motions it created in the water."

ignoring the blood that seeped *for his chest
From

the seaweed *form its mouth...
From

...and the shark didn't take a second glance before speeding after him.
This also reads a bit modern. Perhaps "The shark, not hesitating, sped after him."

"bagan" should be "began"

silhouett should be silhouette

"shiverring" should be "shivering"

*for the cold
From

"whisperred" should be "whispered"

"warapping" should be "wrapping"

*form all the cuts
from


I really love your way with description! This story is balanced with action and dialog.
How much are you going to add? You may think about breaking it into chapters.
A possible title? Secret of the Cove?

Great work!
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Review of Magic Mirror  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Tracey,
This is precious!
I love the dialog between child and mirror. Very endearing.
I think it flows nicely and is well written.
Great work!
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348
Review of Holmes Again  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Terrell,
This is a wonderful and fascinating tale! Very well written.
I love the voice you have written this piece in.
The story and character interaction flowed nicely.
I found nothing amiss.
A delightful read!
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Review of Night Time Creek  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Tracey,
I love this poetic form! I keep saying I want to try it, but I just haven't sat down to it--yet! (e:smile}
And, for me, what makes this particular poem even sweeter is the outdoor, nighttime setting. I could picture every word.
Beautiful work!
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Review of Lydia's Dream  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
JS,
What a beautiful and inspiring story! This should be read by anyone at a crossroads who is hesitant to take that next step.

Some comments:
...never wanting to give her heart
Very nice! I like this!

Lydia startled
Should be "started."

and may you name is?
You could go a few ways with this. "And your name is" or "and may I ask what you name is?"

I was on the road and it was *turn to meet him.
"Time" perhaps?

I'm here at the church is because...
You could drop "is."

..were too much for her to take in so all at once.
Also drop "so."

It just occurred to me...
Begin this with quotations.

"sliver platter" should be "silver"

Sam then placed on her shawl...
Drop "on." It makes it sound as if Sam is donning the shawl himself.

I like this story. Work it a bit and it can be even better!
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