This is a good piece! You've given Roland a life that causes the reader to both be annoyed with his constant optimism, yet feel for him as well. Roland has the right outlook, he's just sharing it with those that don't care or don't believe as he does.
My comments:
A few misspellings actually.
Highschool should be two words.
"Freinds" should be "friends."
"Kwis" should be "kiwis."
...like a *wait was off him...
*weight
Oh and you say in your blurb this piece is about the "life and death" of your character. You never get to his death. Are you planning to add to this?
I like the soft imagery you call up with your words. I see a full moon on a winter's night and feel cozy.
I feel that you could take your lines and break them down for your stanzas. Couplets would work nicely here. I feel it would enhance the look and feel of your verse.
A very compelling story. I've been held up at gunpoint and could relate to quite a bit of this.
My comments:
This comes across as very cold and precise. I wouldn't change a thing about your thoughts and actions. But, perhaps more description would help your readers feel this terrible block of time.
Describe the gunmen, the store, customers and jewels.
co workers
One word.
The same with "gunmen."
"cooned" should be "crooned."
I truly feel if you add those emotive descriptions, this can be even more powerful! I'm so glad everyone came through with no major injuries!
You are very eloquent and your thoughts come across well.
This is a piece that should be revisited. I feel I can read it today and take away one thought or feeling, then read another day only to take away something entirely different.
Wow!
This is a very touching poem! And, a piece of history preserved.
I like the conversational feel to it. I feel it brings your readers into the world described. Living it as both men do.
The only criticism I can offer is that it is a bit choppy. Perhaps you can read it aloud and find where to remedy that. I'm not sure myself for, as I said, it has a conversational feel.
My comments:
Read this aloud and eliminate all those small words (the, a, etc). They only serve to clutter up your work.
Try also, to break this up into stanzas or, at the very least, shorter lines. This is very choppy and doesn't need to be so. It doesn't flow and has the appearance of a paragraph rather than a poem.
This has great potential. Work with it and it will sing!
I love the imagery you used in this piece! I could see and feel the storm.
My one suggestion is to read this aloud. Where can you toss some of those little words? (and, the, etc)
I think that if you clean this up, you will have a really nice poem!
Nice work!
I plan to feature this is next week's Drama Newsletter.
In your folder intro, you mentioned you were still working on this. So here's my views...
He was innocent in a world crowded with fools-fools who couldn't understand the torment...
Place a period after "fools" and then begin a new sentence.
It was all her-her and those damn cymbals
Perhaps a comma here instead of the dash.
But one day-the day he'd never forget-the cymbals came.
This just doesn't read right to me. Not sure what to suggest here.
,but it was too late, they said, too late to stop it now.
Who is "they"?
Overall, I feel I need to know more about Darryl. It is never explained why he shuts himself away or what memories the cymbals trigger. I'd like to know more about him and what makes him the way he is.
He searches out ways to murder the girl. What did he come up with? What did he disregard? How did he lure her to him so that he could carry out his deed?
Lastly, I'm unclear on the significance of the cat. He is antisocial, but seems to take to the cat right away. I see the irony in the cat's former owner, but I feel more explanation is needed on his actions here.
I see a story here...a good one. Keep working with it! It just needs some lovin' care!
This piece brought me to tears. How emotional and touching!
My comments:
Leave a space between paragraphs. This will make it easier on your readers.
When you change between characters in dialog, use a new paragraph. This, too, will make things easier on your readers. They will know that there is a change in dialog.
Put Judith's prayer in italics. This will set it apart and make it stand out.
Go back and play with this a bit more. Your dialog is good. I feel it needs more description of people and places. Also, maybe some more, I don't know, background on Alexis' illness.
I really like this. A little work will make it an excellant story!
You didn't say, what mark you earned for this piece, but I would hope it would be an A+.
This is well researched and thought out. You presented the facts in a clear manner.
Most of this, due to community work I do, didn't surprise me. However, I was startled by premature babies, low birth-weight babies, and those with cerebral palsy and mental retardation are at an elevated risk for abuse.
Thank you for posting this in your port. This is a subject that cries out for more education.
I have panic disorder too and have always been very open with people about it with no problems.
When I was first diagnosed with bipolar, I remember telling one of my college advisors. She and I had always had a friendly relationship. When I told her about my diagnosis, she got this frozen smile on her face and her entire demeanor changed. Since that day, I am very selective about who I tell.
Wow! This is a great read.
I enjoyed the twists and turns. It's amazing what a simple walk can turn into.
Your imagery and word pictures of small-town Texas are dead on. I grew up in a small town there and so much rang true.
In the third sentence, you need to capitalize the first word. Just a small error that we, as writers, often fail to catch.
I like this story as stands, but I also think you could go back and play some more...really make it shine!
I plan to feature this in this week's Drama newsletter.
~Nikola
Hendrix was one of the best guitarists, wasn't he?
This piece is a nice nod toward his legacy and that it still thrives today.
With poetry, try to say as much as possible with as few words as you can. I do like the conversational feel to this. However, I believe you could lose some of the "smaller" words (the's and such).
Read it aloud and see how you feel.
I see two choices here. The first part, with the son, doesn't quite flow into the rest of this piece.
1. You could write it in a way where you are telling the stories of his great uncle.
OR
2. leave out the bit about the son and go straight into the telling.
I would really love to see you expand on this. Tell us more about your uncle. Give us details, any stories you DO have. I want more.
I feel that if you do this, you will really touch your readers.
Give it some thought. I like what I read, it merely leaves me curious for more!
Wow! This is a riveting story! You draw your reader in well.
My comments: my clothes made my body look *slimming
*slim
Put the contents of the cards and thoughts in italics. This will set them apart for the reader, and in the case of the cards, will give them more impact.
Jason was one of my best friends I had met my freshman year.
Reword this to make it read smoother.
"Can I talk to you?" Tommy asked *her...
At this point, you are telling the story in first person. "Her" should be "I."
When using dialog, anytime the quote would end with a period, use a comma. There are several places in this piece that need corrected.
"Starring" shoould be "staring."
Tommy are you Okay?"
Place a comma after "Tommy." "Okay" shoudn't be capitalized.
You changed completely from first to third person. Is there a reason for this? I kinda through me off for a little.
that *nights study session
Make "nights" possessive--"night's."
"Mrs. Duiprucator...
She is only a high school student. This should be "miss."
So have you heard about the Valentine's Dance *their having?"
*they're
"What was that *al about?" *He asked when they were in speaking range of *eachother.
"All" rather than "al."
"He" doesn't need to be capitalized.
"Eachother" of course, is two words.
I loved the dialog. It brings your characters to life and gives your readers insight to their interaction.
The plot grabbed my interest and held it.
I hope you plan on finishing this. I want to know what happens!
Good work!
I plan to feature this item in the February 16 issue of the Drama Newsletter.
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