Julian,
This is a really good piece! I have a lot of comments, but it is a very long story, so I still felt it deserved a good rating.
On to my comments:
...and what to look for *down at the bottom.
You really don't need "down" here.
"It won't..."
In this particular sentence, it should be "I" and not "it."
colorful dance *number
Omit "number." This story has a fantasy quality and adding the word makes it sound too modern.
Then, *as he turned around,* noticed* that all the fish had gone, leaving the water empty.
Perhaps "Then, turning around, he noticed ..."
Theo turned....
This is the very next sentence. The reader already knows that Theo has turned around.
...the shark broke away *for its orbit...
From
The shark reared back as the awful taste of the seaweed came over the *shark.
Use "it" the second time you mention the shark in the sentence. Otherwise, it is overkill.
The *sea weed soon covered up...
Seaweed
They walked up the sandy path, into town.
You don't need the comma.
Theo discarded this rule though, as he often did *to many of the others he felt were useless.
You don't really need "to."
Theo puffed out his chest, showing he wasn't scared of his father, even Theo was about two feet short of *hihim.
Perhaps "even though he was about two feet shorter than him."
Then, in the water, Theo saw his friend, the person who lived in the house he was knocking on, Malan.
Reword this to make it clearer. "Then, in the water, Theo saw his friend, Malan, who lived in the hut."
...and left Malan *in the stares of the people.
Try "with."
...not scream at *it."
Them
"awoken" should be "awakened"
"over head" should be "overhead"
"reprocussions" should be "repercussions"
In the part where the man asks Malan why she is out of her home, in her answer you didn't capitalize her name.
"enterred" should be "entered"
"fornt" should be "front"
"stair way" should be "stairway"
"back bone" should be "backbone"
...and a thought *ame to him.
Came
"Go home boy?"Lex sternly commanded.
Maybe an exclamation point rather than a question mark?
"some times" should be "sometimes"
But we should be able to fix the problem
End this with a period and quotation marks.
"Shut your mouth," his father yelled.
If he is yelling, use an exclamation point.
"good bye" should be "goodbye"
...and most of the shark sightings *enterred in that area.
Perhaps "...and most of the sharks sighted entered from that area."
he could barely see her now.
Capitalize "he."
"anyhting" should be "anything"
There was enough light *form the torches to see *where the far end of the cove.
"From." And, You could drop "where" and this would make perfect sense.
he didn't want to startle...
Capitalize "he."
"clothe coverred hand" should read "cloth-covered hand."
...and pulled it *form the ground.
From
*Eben though he could not see the shark, he knew it was there, he could *even feel the motions in the water created by *the shark.
Try "Even though he could not see the shark, he knew it was there. He could feel the motions it created in the water."
ignoring the blood that seeped *for his chest
From
the seaweed *form its mouth...
From
...and the shark didn't take a second glance before speeding after him.
This also reads a bit modern. Perhaps "The shark, not hesitating, sped after him."
"bagan" should be "began"
silhouett should be silhouette
"shiverring" should be "shivering"
*for the cold
From
"whisperred" should be "whispered"
"warapping" should be "wrapping"
*form all the cuts
from
I really love your way with description! This story is balanced with action and dialog.
How much are you going to add? You may think about breaking it into chapters.
A possible title? Secret of the Cove?
Great work!
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