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Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item" ! The Electric Package has been ordered for you from: and includes the reviews of three fiction/non-fiction stories & three poems! Enjoy!
Title, Etc:
The title, description, rating, and chosen genres all fit this item perfectly.
Flow & Format:
The flow was fairly smooth, however, there were a few little bumps here and there. From beginning to end, though, everything was simple to follow and understand.
Emotion & Imagery:
Even without incredibly-detailed descriptions of everything, I could see it all. You give the reader just enough to envision it all without overwhelming them --or your writing, with unnecessary details. As for emotion, not only do you give your reader enough to understand Graham's feeling, but also to feel for him. A part of me wanted to know more about him and what he'd done or how much he'd changed, but the change was evident and how he ended up in jail can easily be assumed. Again, you gave enough to make it come to life without overwhelming. Your self-control amazes! I would have had people falling asleep!
Suggestions:
Paragraph One
The fragmented sentences (three through six) broke up the flow a bit too much for me. Also, in the fifth sentence, canvass should be canvas.
Paragraph Three
I believe whom should be who unless this is reworded as to whom the voice belonged.
Walking at a brisk pace, he stopped... - While this does make sense and I understand what's being said, it caused me to pause and reread as it's saying he's making two opposing actions at one time.
Paragraph Five
In the dialogue, ten year old should be hyphenated to tie together as one "word" ten-year-old.
Paragraph Eight
The title of the book should be italicized or underlined.
Paragraph Nine
gift wrapped - Hyphenating these words would help to better link them together as one adjective/ word.
Paragraph Ten
between the guests[,] while - Comma not needed as 'carrying - drinks' is the added detail, not 'he-guests],
Paragraph Eleven
one glance[,] and - Comma not needed.
Paragraph Fourteen
violence and [his] - This 'his' felt unnecessary to me, but that could just be me.
Paragraph Seventeen
"Hi[ ]"Johnathan - Missing space.
Paragraph Twenty
my pics - While, yes, he could really think that way, there's nothing before now that implies he would use slang, so I think pictures might be a better word choice.
Paragraph 22
teeth.[ ]Her - Missing space.
Paragraph 23
life now[,] and - No need for comma.
Overall Thoughts & Rating:
This is such a horrible thing to say, but I like the ending. I mean, I love the story as a whole, but I especially love that you did not give this the predictable/ typical ending. I'm going with a 4.0 just because I think that a quick edit could improve this piece, but this truly a great display of your creativity and talent.
,
Stephanie Grace
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |