Erin - 5 days old! What a NEWBIE! W E L C O M E to this incomparable site. You'll never regret the decision to be here amongst us.
I like to meter-rize newbie's poems and give them back with only rearranging done to show the significance of meter as it relates to the cadence of your piece. When the meter is askew, your message or purpose is diluted and Heaven forbid, that your readers click on something else before finishing your item.
So with the objectives of this magnificent site uppermost in this review, I will conduct a meter analysis and we'll look at this together.
Your meter is varied from 8 to 14. See the following analysis:
Stanza 1 - 10-9-10-9
2 - 9-10-10-10
3 - 10-10-13-14
4 - 10-11-10-9-10-10
5 - 8-11-9-10-10-10
6 - 10-9-11-10
7 - 10-11-9-10
8 - 11-10-9-9
To summarize: Each line has a set number of syllables, the ones with 8 - 1
9 - 9
10 - 19 This wins hands down!
11 - 5
12 - 0
13 - 1
14 - 1
So, as you can see, this is rocky going; now watch this, since the overwhelming majority of lines (19) were 10 syllables, I will work within that structure. Your piece will be done in pentameter. Allow me: Your tenses are mixed up and I will address that issue at the same time.
On a drizzly morning, I sit and mourn
‘bout my lingering dreams that have been worn.
Tears welled unnoticed, while I heaved a sigh,
I'm almost grouching for the things that lie.
I really do not understand the context of the last line here. If I cannot understand this, then I know others won't understand either.
Startled and fazed by a little hand poke,
my son did wake, he confusedly spoke.
“Mama, what’s wrong? Are you tired? Are you sore?
What’s there to do? Can I help with your chore?”
Just the first line was niggled here
In panic I rise, briskly head outside;
Placed a tin pail under the falling tide.
“Nothing, honey! Mama’s gathering rain”
Intending to conceal all of my pain.
the word "tide" evokes visions of the ocean and what you are really speaking of here, is rain.
Got plenty more questions, he blinked, he voiced;
“What’s that? Is it a need? Is it a choice?”
I search for words to answer and amuse,
“Just saving some rain, Son! Might be of use!”
A boyish grin he gave, chuckled and winked,
As we left for breakfast, he’s calm, I think.
Line 1 - should be "blinked" and "voiced"
Line 2: A child would not ask you the middle and last question.
Line 6: Why wouldn't he be calm? What has happened that the reader does not know about?
Morning time has past; Sun did climb and shine,
All is green and above, I see a line.
I know I’ll ache but, must surely move on,
We'll be fine; my boy and I aren't alone.
I wonder from where, this happy tune came,
There’s my son humming, singing an old name.
I LOVE this last line here, beautiful!
Curious of him, I dare sneak and ask,
"What are you doing? Are you not on task?"
I was taken aback as he replied,
(Silly ole me, forgetting time had flied,)
Did I just read you a story last night?
Sang a lullaby and kept you from fright?
How then today you have grown old and wise?
Wrapping me in hugs while whispering twice,
“Mama, the sky is clear! I should and must,
Set out here gathering clouds that I trust;
Can be of some use, to wipe dry your eye,
From streaks of rain falling, that you did cry!”
This last verse seems forced and unnatural, I think if you re-think it, you'll find a smoother way to get your point across.
Your endline punctuation is vital to steer your readers in the direction you wish them to go. Leaving some lines naked or without the benefit of punctuation, could alter your modus operandi.
And we just can't have that!
Make changes and I'll cheerfully re-rate!
Storm
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