PICTURE if you will a galaxy far a way. Hmmm? The North Pole, maybe and from a tundra of items frozen in time ... comes ...
LETTERS (THIS MAY NOT BE THE FINAL TITLE) by moodyguy. Discovered in Review Requests Dec 16 with note at the very end asking for "advise" and suggested "improvements."
PICTURE if you will, Teff sitting at her keyboard, rubbing her palms together. Because this is right up my alley for I like to help authors with budding works.
Are you ready, Mr Moody?
Overall punctuation, grammer == firm, okay by me. Not in anyway disruptive.
Chronol:
toss <he's examinng> opening par. We get it. Over the body sufficient.
Re-name Sarah & Jacob. Is this Amishville? Oh Lord, maybe it is, which is an entire published market BTW.
asphyxiation synopsis /par ... good, moodyguy. It picks up speed (still on page one.)
CUT down the purse scene, it's almost as if you could write an essay on pocketbooks with this interruption, sim to a full page add in The New York Times.
Buzzer scene == ditto
Okay ... <bugger all> brings up an interesting question. Are we supposed to guess where we are? Frustation could set in for some readers, who may feel they should take a part like a campfire chat. Yo, I'm in London, now. Or: Cool, Dude, I'm in Kalmazoo.
I'm ready to smack Jacob upside the head. Wrong name, kid.
I like: Office of a bureacrat == sounds good, looks good and fits the description.
Uh oh a character who moved from <down S> better pinpoint a local, MG, hon.
Recall, I mean you no harm.
Detailed review continues. Take a deep breath, we've passed the half-way mark in my handwritten notes & my shorthand's holding up.
Back to chron order ...
In this piece the author needn't recap for this reader, so often. NOT WHILE I am reading the piece.
e.g. W F -- Cucasion female repeated again -- sug indication, Hey detective's read the report already (my words, sorry)
" ... was on about" spells London setting to me. So dear author, a need arises to state where. You have who, what and when. Which is good these Ws are always very important in a mystery.
Watch genre for a draft <psycholgy, thriller nor suspence> are not here yet. Hard to review future directions or intentions for an item. Most reviewers arn't psychic.
Here's you advise:
Everything in a short story, also quite acceptable & sometimes prefered in a novella (which LETTERS isn't, not yet) EVERY SENTENCE, every par is meant to move the story forward. Sure recap at Chapter Two, a dif subject.
Not another buzzer entrance.
A car is a car in a parking lot, any car okay. Unless it's a Lamborghini.
Over all a tad on the overwordy side, hon. I'm positive you'll see that for yourself in upcoming edits. Redundancy == stated.
And, if I were to walk to my PC, open yesterday's Christmas doc. much of what I have written to Mr Moody, will no doubt also appy to my stuff, too. This is WHY we edit.
In effect the plot & story line, I felt, were stable, and ... I WANTED TO READ MORE.
Good luck in all future writing endeavers, Mr. Moody Guy, Mr. Potential author.
Cordially, Happy Holidays,
from Teff
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