Hi dartagnan, I'm reading your "Fishing Date" that I found at Read and Review.
Yes the title would draw me. This simple poem in 2 quatrains with alternate rhyme, (well the odd #ed lines are unrhymed) is a sweet slice of life. You utilized the prompt words perfectly and the rhythm for the most part was fluid. L7 is a little awkward. It might be smoother as We roasted marshmallows but it is your poem not mine.
Hi history geek, I'm reading your Teach Me which I found at Read and Review. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
The title echoes a phrase inserted in a few places in the poem. It seem a little generic as the title to me. I'm unsure how many readers will be tempted to read if confronted with that title.
Written in unmetered quatrains with alternating rhyme. There Is a repeated phrase that I think may be more effective if it was used in a more consistent manner within the poem.
The theme: a plea to be taught not to feel empathy. I think you communicated this well however as Walt Whittman says "condense, condense, condense." I felt this poem drug out too long, basically saying the same thing.
Your poem did get your message across, the frustration, the pain of caring can be a heavy burden. Very sad, without empathy we lose our humanity.
Hi Lou, I'm reading your Steamer Trunk. Who doesn't want to look inside a steamer trunk? Great title.
The poem written primarily in iambic tetrameter quatrains has a unique 2 line refrain, repeating L3 and L4 of the first stanza as L3 and L4 of each of the subsequent stanzas BUT, the lines are flipped in alternating stanzas. L2 of each stanza rhymes with L4 o the same stanza. Very cool.
This is a poignant seafaring poem skillfully crafted. Nice.
Hi Joe, I'm reading your Stains on my Soul that I found at Read and Review. The title drew me right in and the appearance of your poem would have done that anyway.
I liked the form of this free verse, is that an oxymoron? The cinquains with the single word L5 made reading easy and emphatic.
I don't actively look for errors in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow. I think there is a typo - L2 Rescus ? did you mean Rescue?
"Rage, rage against the dying of the light" came to mind as I read your poem. I liked it very much.
Hi Fyn, I am reading your "How to Read a Poem Take 2" found at Read and Review. Of course I had to read this after seeing the title plus the attractive poem on the page.
"Flay it open, down to meat and guts
until it bleeds words,
and they splatter
on the floor of your mind." WOW!
And it gets better from there.... I loved your poem.
Hi Jeff, I ran across your Pantoum, The Mystery of Malachi at the Lighthouse. I thought the form perfect to explore the mystery. The back and forth tumbling refrain echo the quandary.
Use what is helpful and ignore the rest, I think the theme brilliant. The execution of the form is right on BUT the erratic rhythm of several lines spoils the fluidity. And it is an easy fix.
The Pantoum is primarily iambic pentameter. At the very least, the lines should be of equal length. It stress this because I think the rhythm of some of your lines is awkward. Paying attention to how it reads out loud will help. You use a lot of word that are not necessary that disrupt the flow. The form is originally from matching the rhythm of fishermen rowing out to make their catch. The even rhythm of the oars slicing the water. Form or no form, a poem should be fluid.
Your first stanza is close to flawless. It doesn't have to be the da Dum da Dum etc or the iambic pattern as long as there are 5 stressed syllables and that is what is reflected in S1.
L8 on the other hand, "Or maybe he and Ezra really are synonymous" runs on forever. You have already set up the concept of questioning, exploring so you don't need those extra word "maybe" and "really" like " Or, he and Ezra are synonymous." The "Or" suggests "maybe", you don't need to say it.
L10 "Perhaps Malachi wasn’t a name but a designation" could be "Perhaps not a name but destination." Your title and first stanza has established that the poem is all about the name Malachi, so you don't need to keep repeating it.
L12 It means messenger, apt characterization. (I'm just throwing out alternative ideas.)
L14 Over the years, many left perplexed
L15 Identity is second to the text
It is your poem, I think if you played with the rhythm it can be better.
I really like this poem, it brings up a mystery many have never pondered. Even people very familiar with the Bible.
Hi BS, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Sea of Angels that I found on Random Review. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Your title is an attention getter.
The poem, primarily iambic quatrains with alternate rhyme.the odd numbered Lines are unrhymed provides an excellent frame for this picture of depression.
I,liked,that you don't hold back, "Full of talent" / "Empty of drive" a pretty good description of,depression.
I wonder if you found a way to include at least one concrete image how would that impact this poem.
Hi Angie, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Ethnicity. Use what you think helpful and ignore the rest.
This uneven, 13 line poem with random rhyme, tackles a big subject. You narrow it down to an exchange between two mothers with vivid imagery. Beautiful.
The only thing I could suggest is to used the line break more efficiently. L5 is very lone in respect to the rest of the poem. You could easly break almost every line to give your images more impact and to show enhance the parallels you could indent the 2nd half of the hemistich. Something like:
We share different texture hair,
we share different accents.
My child plays on the jungle gym,
yours swing in the air
If this were mine, I'd play with line breaks. Of course it isn't mine and I remind you, ignore that which you don't find helpful.
I thought this a smart poem. You reach the reader through concrete images...Thanks for sharing.
Hi Anne, I'm Tinker and I am reviewing your charming short story, "Fresh Bread".
Of course your title will draw reader, who can resist fresh bread?
This was a delightful slice of life, touching on an everyday event. So much is familiar yet none of it is. The smell of baking bread, the courtesy to an elderly neighbor, the expanded imagery and the guilty pleasure. I can't buy a warm loaf of sourdough bread and not tear some off to eat on the way home. I can imagine the temptation to a young girl. We all can.
Hi Abdulla X, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Everflowing Stream. Use what you think helpful and ignore the rest, a review is seeing your poem through the eyes of one reader.
For starters I think your title is enticing... The poem looks easy to read. That will draw readers in.
An interesting sonnet form. Primarily iambic pentameter, rhyme aabxbcdcdexegg x being unrhymed. The rhythm is off in a few of the lines. The archaic language fits with the form and content to an extent but it sounds a little flowery to my ear. That is just a preference of this reader.
Hi HOOves, Your Ghostly the Rain is hauntingly beautiful. The words carry a heaviness until the very last stanza when the words become light and clear. I thought it was interesting how that developed.
I loved the insertion of the name Connemara Coastline, I have no idea where that is but it gave the poem a distinct location. That is a feature I'm learning that often elevates a poem to poetry.
Hi Ken, Your White Raven posted at I Write more than embodies the image provided as the prompt for your poem. I've read a few inspired by the same image but I don't think I've seen as well crafted. The rhythm, the alternating rhyme, the story's progress all work together in dark harmony. I love that you create a legend.
Hi Gen, Here I am again, reviewing Pitching a Snowball. Great come on title. Who wouldn't read?
At first I was trying to figure out what was going on. Not your writing, my inexperience with snow. Then I got into it and I thought what an imagination this girl has but by the end I was wondering, is there such an event, is this actually possible?
Hi J., I'm Tinker and I am reviewing your Thaw that I ran across at Random Reviews.
First Impression: Interesting title and very short story, quick and easy read. I'm in.
Form: Short story which is not the genre I normally write or review but I'll do my best. I know to look for character development, plot, epiphany. I don't actively look for errors in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow. Techinically, this piece appears flawless.
What I liked: First the imagery, "blanket of white pinned down by a dull grey sky". I wanted to put this in a poem.
Progression: Winter snow, I been in snow only a couple of times and then it was in patches. I've seen photos and videos of course but the reality of living in snow is foreign to me. The hole in the snow drift, the sound, a snow drift up to a window sill, a drop of water still have me wondering although I am making a connection with the missing husband and child, (only at the end) and I'm still unsure how or why this could happen. It is not your writing, it is my ignorance.
Overall: I thought this well written and had a huge shock at the end when I realized that somehow, she knew they died in the snow and couldn't try and find them until the thaw. It was a very emotional piece.
YES! This is really good Jay, and it is a dinngedicht....... The imagery is awesome, you set the stage, tone, right down to the entrance, inviting us in. I think this genre is great training ground for writing in general, going from the concrete image the reader can almost see, smell, touch, hear and taste to the emotions those senses bring forth.
I loved the way you captured the images, never straying and yet you were able to write it in the rhythm and form you feel most comfortable in. Taking a genre and making it your own.
HI catdok, This small poem popped up on my screen when I was searching for something else. I must have hit the wrong thing. But since I'm here, I'm reading MIRACLE.
Than Bauk is becoming a popular form around here, the step rhyme can be a challenge. You handled it perfectly.
I loved the humor of the piece. Thanks for this brief moment of pleasure.
HI Angel, I'm reviewing your poem Light and Dark. I was drawn to the poem because of the form.
One of the defining elements of the Pantoum is the final quatrain in which L1 of the first stanza becomes the last line of the poem and L3 of the first stanza becomes L2 of the last quatrain. It appears you need another stanza to complete your poem. I hope you have time to fix it before the deadline. Good luck with the contest
Your concept for the poem works well with the tumbling refrain of the form. I like it.
Hi Lani, I'm Tinker and I am reviewing your Life Dance. Use what you think helpful and ignore the rest.
First Impression: I liked your title, I thought appealing
Form, 4 unrhymed quatrains with a repeating first line of each stanza jumping 10 years each stanza.
What I didn't like: I really have nothing to suggest needs improvement.
What I did like: The advancing age in relationship with another. The last brought sadness but it also brought a challenge and isn't that what makes life interesting?
I enjoyed your poem. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Wow Jay, You are producing some really good poetry in your quest to write a dinggedicht. This is amazingly descriptive
poem that grips the reader. This would be a nature poem, maybe an imagist poem but a dinngedicht describes inanimate objects not living breathing beings not birds, not trees, not things that move or grow. You will get this yet.
By the way it is really a compelling piece so your effort did not go unrewarded.
Hi Ellwyn, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Diary of a Kindergarten Teacher 8th. I thought this fascinating.
I was a little confused at the scheduling in the first paragraph but got the gist, parents not cooperating or paying attention to your requests created extra work for you.
From there on it was perfectly clear. I thought it tragic about the special needs child. I have a granddaughter born with only half a brain, a pediatric stroke survivor. She has over come much of her paralysis through physical therapy since infancy but still can't use her right hand. The seizure disorder that accompanies brain damage was controlled through medication. But although she is an outgoing, happy bright child at home among her siblings, she is painfully shy at school and didn't speak for the first 3 years of elementary school. Academically is top of her class but can't be mainstreamed because of her anxiety attacks. Her parents had to fight for special assistance and she has been moved from school to school so she can be in an appropriate special needs class. Teachers have been helpful and empathetic but it is about money. By law these children are entitled to extra help. But there needs to be funds to pay for it.
Sorry I digress from your writing. I don't know how anyone can offer suggestions on how to improve a diary entry. So I am just enjoying your writing.
I thought this diary entry was informative, frustrating and encouraging that such thought and care is being exercised by a teacher, clearly concerned for her students. I enjoyed this peek into a teachers thoughts. Thanks
Hi Epic Fail, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Where the Dead Go. The title drew me in, I normally don't attempt to review short stories. But I'm learning.
I don't actively look for errors in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow of the piece. 4th paragraph you have a typo, scent not sent.
Other than that one little nit, this story captivated me. It progresses through dreams to memories to fears and had me enthralled. The sad and lonely tone dominated.
Hi Kare, I'm reviewing your Dundrearies. I don't even know what that means. I had to look it up, sideburns, I learn something new every day. Haha I hadn't read the footnote.
I thought this poem a fascinating portrait. Well constructed with good imagery. Loved "dundrearies".
I see nothing I can offer to improve. I enjoyed reading this, thanks.
Hi Carly, I am reading your Overcoming Dragons. This free verse poem is written with authority. You take charge in the beginning and never relinquish the reigns. Your narrator never waivers. It reads like a general leading the charge.
I can see no place I can suggest improvement.
I like the 2nd to last strophe best, *Now is the time to create your own story."
I enjoyed reading this very much.
~~Tink
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The cinquains with the single word L5 made reading easy and emphatic. 