~WhoMe???~'s (whome) Reviews

~WhoMe???~

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851

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#3284440

Review of An Invention Extension, Prevention

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

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"An Invention Extension, Prevention"

Ẃeβ࿚Ẃỉtcĥ

Title:
The title of this short poem is catchy and fun. The musical way it glides off the tongue is a great lure to capture the reader's attention.

Format/Style:
An alternate rhyme free-style poem created for a contest prompt.

Rhythm/Rhyme:
With each coupled rhyming pattern, there were no forced rhymes. Everything fit well together and it was an easy trnasition from one line to another.

Points to Ponder:
~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

~In addition, there is too much added space in the poem. The verses and the individual lines are barely indistinguishable. I would suggest taking the extra space out of the individual lines, and only leave it between each verse. This will take away from the distracting extra spaces.

Overall I felt this was a well written poem. The use of color was an added bonus. The lines needed tightening, other than that everything flowed smoothly.
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#3284325

Review of The Light That Leads Us Through

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

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"The Light That Leads Us Through"

julielubrani
Title:
This is a strong title that well represents and sums up the poem.

Format/Style:
Written using rhyming couplets, this free-style poem flows well, though it is hard to see due to spacing and lack of punctuation.

Rhythm/Rhyme:
There is a distinct rhyming scheme hidden within the lines of this free-style poem.

Points to Ponder:
~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

~In addition, there is too much added space in the poem. The verses and the individual lines are indistinguishable. I would suggest taking the extra space out of the individual verses, and only leave it between each verse. This will take away from the distracting extra spaces.

A well written piece despite the few points to ponder.

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#3284299

Review of REACHING FOR THE BLUEST SKY

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"REACHING FOR THE BLUEST SKY"

COUNTRYMOM

Title:
The title is one that well represents the poem. It contains the essence of the poem without giving any information away. It sums up the poem and lures the reader in with tantalizing descriptives.

Format/Style:
Created with rhyming couplets, these five verses are aligned to the left bringing with it the hint of an organized world where a higher power is at work.

Rhythm/Rhyme:
With great rhythm and flow, the rhymes drift off the breeze and the clouds as they cascade down the page.

The punctuation helps to set the rhythm of the poem with clarity.

Imagery:
I picture a serene setting and a relaxing atmospere which leads to an epiphany of discovery.

Suggestions:
There was one rhyming couple that was a bit forced, breezeto leave . This rhyme didn't work for me at all.

Overall this is a well written poem. I enjoyed the read several times as well as the serenity I experienced while reading it. Thank you for sharing this greatness.
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#3284022

Review of Thank You, Givers.

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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"Thank You, Givers."

Draco, The Dragon

Title:
A declaration all of its own merit, the title is the subject of the poem, yet is strong enough on its own as well.

Format/Style:
Written in an alternate rhyming free-style piece, the three verses are of thanks.

Points To Ponder:
~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

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#3283984

Review of IT'S TIME FOR SPRING!

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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"IT'S TIME FOR SPRING!"

COUNTRYMOM

Title:
A strong title which gives us the object and subject of the poem. It illustrates what is to come and does a great job of luring the reader in.

Format/Style:
This was written in rhyming couplets. It is centered, though for some reason I found this distracting. For this poem, I felt being aligned to the left would better suit the piece. Perhaps it was because couplets, to me, seem more uniform, and having the verse offset due to each line centered seemed to add chaos and confusion to the poem, where otherwise, none would exist.

Rhythm/Rhyme:
The rhythm and rhyme of each couplet was precise and very smooth. The rhymes flowed well together, with no forcing needed. I found this refreshing as the breath of spring itself.

Voice:
The voice of the poem is in first person. I found that fitting for this poem. It gave great descriptives and painted a clear picture for this wonderful season.

Points to Ponder:
In verse two, I thought that the sky is pretty should have read sky so pretty.

Overall this is a great poem. The picture was an added bonus to the well illustrated Spring welcoming. I hope this does well in the contest. It was a pleasure to once again drop in on you.

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#3283969

Review of The Rose

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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"The Rose"

ongaku no tenshi

Title:
The title in conjunction with the subtext are alluring and intriguing. They, together, capture the attention and lure the reader to the poem.

Format/Style:
The format chosen is of alternate rhyming couplets. Each verse has great rhythm and rhyme.

Rhyme/Rhythm:
There is not only a great rhyming pattern, but a wonderful rhythm as represented in the syllable count of each line.
8/6/8/6
8/6/8/6
7/6/8/7
8/6/8/6
With the exception of verse three, each one flows well and the rhythm is to a marching beat.

Imagery:
With the imagery created, a tapestry is woven of two contrasting roses, one in her prime as a queen, another as a withered shadow of her former self.

Voice:
I felt as if I was sitting listening to a bard sing us a rhyming tale of a fallen queen. This was great personification of a rose.

Overall I felt this was well written. The only inconsistency I found, was with the syllable count for verse three. Other than that, I felt that the poem was very detailed and created a great tale of enchantment.
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#3283967

Review of A Simple Knot

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"Invalid Item"

trartist
Title:
The title grabs your attention. It is simple, no pun intended. It sums up the poem quite well, and yet gives nothing away.

Format/Style:
Using an alternate rhyming scheme for the format of choice I feel is the best way to portray this emotion. It isn't cryptic, yet it leads up to a crecendo with tidbits of information.

Rhythm/Rhyme:
The rhythn and rhyme are well represented within the poem. Each rhyming couple is an ease of flow with nothing forced. The punctuation helps to dictate the cadence or rhythm, and together they flow smoothly down the page.

Metaphor:
Using the metaphor of a knot in conjunction with describing the union of two souls was a brilliant image. I found this to be very creative and fitting.

Voice:
The voice of the poem is filled with love and adoration for the partner of which joins in this union. Together they form a whole. In using the metaphor of the knot, the symbolism that sometimes there will be rough patches, yet still they will remain together, bound strong, was a great indicator of the depth of emotional ties that bind this couple together.

Overall I felt this was a well written poem. The grammar, spelling, punctuation and rhyming patterns were all in order and flowed smoothly together to create this great masterpiece. I would consider printing this off on nice paper, perhaps one with a soft background of a rope shaped into the form of a knot, framing it, and giving this to your spouse.
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#3283965

Review of Good Night My Ladybug

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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"Invalid Item"

trartist
Title:
The title represents the poem well. It is a final salutation to the subject of the poem and well illustrates the poems message.

Form/Style:
Written in an alternate rhyming format, this fun little piece is easy to follow.

The style is that of a nursery rhyme at bedtime.

Imagery:
The love and depth of emotion flow smoothly as each line cascades down the page. The adoration for such bug is represented in each line through the great descriptives that are used.

Rhyme/Rhythm:
The rhyming and rhythm ring true as the punctuation guides the voice of the poem. Each rhyme feels as if it were made for this poem, without anything forced to fit a rhyming scheme.

Suggestions:
Line five is confusing. Is there more than one girl? I believe that a small typo is holding up the process which allows this to be a completed and excellent poem.
girls awaits I feel, should be girl awaits

Overall this was a fun filled bedtime rhyme. The emotion and rhyme ring true through each line as they sprinkle sanddust in the eyes of the sleepy child.

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#3283961

Review of Low Times After High Tide

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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"Low Times After High Tide"

raedwulf

Title:
The title represents, what caused the destruction. It is the cause and the poem is the effect. I found this to be a catchy title and a refreshing look at naming a poem.

Form/Style:
The format used is an alternate rhyming pattern. It flows well and was easy to read and follow.

Imagery:
The brevity of the poem shows just a bit of catastrophic turmoil. I felt that more in-depth imagery could be used to portray the destruction, giving greter importance to the ending summation of the poem.

Grammar:
The poem goes back and forth in time. It begins in line one with past tense, then comes to the present in line two. Back to past with line three, present in line four. Consistency would have been better. Here is just one sample of changes to keep the poem in the same time frame:

where the land was once green
water washed it away.
Where people once lived
floodwaters kept them away.

Rhyme:
The rhyme scheme is one that is easy to follow. The rhymes are consistent with each other and well illustrate the poem without being forced.

Voice:
Although this was short, there was plenty to illustrate the damage floodwaters can have. This doesn't quite go into the emotional ramifications, but centers on the physical chaos natural disasters create.

Suggestion:
~Toward the ending, there are two lines ending in the word this. I would suggest altering one of them.

~This may sound odd, but I felt this would be better suited if it were to be centered on the page. With each line centered, every line would be askew, better representing the chaos the water delivers. If you look at this poem aligned to the left verses the poem centered vs. aligned:

Where the land was once green
water washes it all away.
Where people once lived
floodwaters keep them at bay.
Images of people, crowded places
and the neighbor lady’s cat.
Somebody said, “Looks just
like a mirror lying flat.”
Nobody wants to see this.
It’s not that they don’t care.
Devastation like this
just has a certain air.

Where the land was once green
water washes it all away.
Where people once lived
floodwaters keep them at bay.
Images of people, crowded places
and the neighbor lady’s cat.
Somebody said, “Looks just
like a mirror lying flat.”
Nobody wants to see this.
It’s not that they don’t care.
Devastation like this
just has a certain air.

~ One other thought, and this is just something to ponder. A second verse could be created simply by adding space after flat.

Where the land was once green
water washes it all away.
Where people once lived
floodwaters keep them at bay.
Images of people, crowded places
and the neighbor lady’s cat.
Somebody said, “Looks just
like a mirror lying flat.”

Nobody wants to see this.
It’s not that they don’t care.
Devastation like this
just has a certain air.

In so doing this, it lengthens, or gives the illusion of more destruction as wrought by the water.

Overall I felt this is a good poem. A few areas were a little soft, as mentioned above, and could use a little tweaking, but that is just my opinion. Remember, poetry is to interpretation.
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#3283866

Review of Monster

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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"Monster"

Just call me Omni

FORM:
The form used is "Mirrored Octet". A GREAT description is given at the end of the poem and the poem seems to fit this criteria to a "T".

CONTENT:
The subject matter of ABUSE in any form is one that is hard to express in a bright light. This poem and the form it is expressed in illuminate the darkness that is suffered due to abuse. It is a dnagerous emotional rollercoaster that never ends. The memories and flashbacks can re-appear at any given moment. The poem clearly expresses this atrocity.

IMAGERY: The descriptive poem in conjunction with the dark picture create a heart breaking story. They illustrate the subject well.

Suggestions:
Being well written and free of grammar, punctuation, spelling and formatting error, I find this to be a perfectly illustrated piece. I felt this was ready for publication and should be includeed in a book.

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS:
I would have to say that the first verse alone stood out predominately. To me it encapsuled the true emotion. After the actual abuse has happened, it is the memories that continue haunting the victim. This poem clearly illustrates this sad point.

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861

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#3283820

Review of A Book

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"A Book"

AngelVixxen: TY ANON!

Title:
The title is the subject of the poem. It sums it all up and places the emphasis on the object of the poem.

Form/Style:
An alternate rhyming scheme which flows well and smooth. The format is an easy one to follow. The three verses all keep to the subject and are in unison with the object of the poem.

Flow/Rhythm/Rhyme:
The rhythm and rhyme flow well as dictated by the punctuation. The voice is in cadence as the rhythmatic rhymes are easy on the ear.

Imagery:
Being a book lover myself, I found this a great ode to the book itslef. The love for reading is clearly dictated in this poem. A great tribute.

:
Overall this is a great poem. I could find nothing to add to as far as punctuation, grammar, or spelling. The rhyming words all flow well, the cadence of each verse is in unison and the poems subject is well defined.
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#3283811

Review of Blaring Silence

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

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"Blaring Silence"

theatregirl

Title:
The title represents a noise so loud that it is deafening, and that noise is silence. Have you ever heard a sound so quiet that it was loud, almost a roar of impeding danger to come? The title is a foreshadow of what lies withing the poem.

Form/Style:
A free-style poem written with great detail on subject. Four verses all describing what is loud, though none compare to the sound of Silence.

Imagery:
I have personally referenced the deafening roar of silence, only to be criticized by a few. I, however, have found a kindred spirit within this piece. To me, this is two people talking, a serious conversation, perhaps a bombshell just went off, then a question or comment is made, only to be followed by silence as the tunnel vision sets in,the darkness creeps in as the silence between the too bercomes so loud, immediate danger (or impeding decision) is about to be made. The fork in the road and the silence preceding the decision.
Excellent imagery.

Flow/Rhythm:
The rhythm is dictated by the final line of each verse. The declaration, that none is louder than the silence.

Tone:
To me this reads almost as a warning or lesson that that all may be loud, but there is something that is worse.

Overall I found this quite refreshening, in such a way that someone could see the silence for what it truly is.

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#3283429

Review of Out

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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"Out"

silverknight

Title:
To sum it up all in one word, this title says it all. This is a big lure to some readers. They want to know what this cryptic title is all about, thus the rush to read items with shorter mysterious titles.

Form/Style:
This is a free-tyle poem written as a rant or rave. (just my vision or perspective). Without the full punctuation, that is the only conclusion I have been able to surmise. I have experimented with several different voices for this poem. The slow drawn out voice as if reading prose or rhyming couplets, didn't do this justice. I found that reading it more as a rap or rant, a bit of anger and sarcasm in the voice, seemed to fit this just right.

Flow/Rhythm:
The rhythm is awkward to find without full use of punctuation. So to me it reads too fast in meter or flow.

Emotions:
Sarcasm mixed in with a bit of truth, this rant warns others away. This dark place isn't somewhere you want to be, so don't bother to come looking.

Suggestions:
~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong. With some punctuation already inside the poem, consistency is recommended. For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece

Overall: Other than the lack of punctuation, I felt this was well written and a good piece to read.

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#3281564

Review of Introduction

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

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"Introduction"

D. Van Hook

This is a mystical poem, full of illusion and elusiveness. Creatively written in a free-style form, this great poem is a mystery. What is the voice of the poem describing? Was this a picture prompt contest entry?

POINT TO PONDER:
Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still still there, it just isn't as strong .With some punctuation already inside the poem, consistency is recommended. For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece.

Overall this is well written. The grammar and spelling were in order. The lack of punctuation was a distraction, as was not being able to figure out the mystery of what the poem was describing.
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#3281562

Review of Complicated

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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"Complicated"

D. Van Hook

This is a well written poem. Formatted in rhyming couplets, this reads down the page as one verse, one profound statement, which questions our thoughts and decisions globally.

Entering into war is never an easy decision. Not being one to make that choice, who knows what issues are discussed and actions prepared for beforehand. That being said, much is left at home that needs attending in addition to protecting are position and aiding others globally. It is a very controversal subject of which I feel this poem questions quite well.

Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still still there, it just isn't as strong .With some punctuation already inside the poem, consistency is recommended. For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. Reading this with just the few question marks as punctuation, one would read in one quick breath until reahing each question mark. I don't feel that serves this poem well or does it justice.

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#3281549

Review of The Pirate's Love

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

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"The Pirate's Love"

Sena Slaughter

This is a wonderful poem. The rhythm and rhyme were great, the grammar, punctuation and spelling were on the mark. The only problem I had was that this great poem was hidden in a prose format. I took the liberty to alter the format to give you a glimpse at what it would look like in another form. The same words, just transferred into separate verses.

Out on the shore he looked away,
drawn by the oceans crashing waves;
out on the shore her heart it broke,
as she watched him stop to smoke.

They knew that ties of love would sever,
that he would go away forever;
ne’er to return to this shore,
ne’er to see her, his love, anymore.

And so the sloop the pirate boarded,
where all his treasure he had hoarded;
away he sailed to far new lands,
to take from others with his hands.

Though he seemed so heartless and cruel,
even he had loved a girl;
and on a shore so far away,
they hanged the pirate there today.

She heard the news,
her heart it wept,
and so she plunged into the depth;
her body found broken and maimed,
death the choice she had claimed.

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#3281533

Review of Happy Birthday, Kiya!

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"Happy Birthday, Kiya!"

kiyasama
A poetic birthday wish sent to one who is loved and appreciated. The sentiments pour forth in a rhyming manner describing some of the attributes that many on this site have gotten to know you by.

Six verses that cascade down the page with reverence. You are looked to as a leader, a mentor and friend by many. Thank you
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#3280989

Review of It's the Journey

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

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"It's the Journey"

ShelleyA~15 years at WDC

Concluding the three reviews for this package won, I stumbled upon this autobiographical piece. Something hard for me to do an indepth review upon, for it is written really well and comes from the heart. Therefore, this won't be so analytical, but more thoughts from my heart to yours.

I was moved to tears at some of the touching things you shared. I too have had similar situations and decisions to make, and reading your short piece here showed me a kindred soul.

For technical issues, there is the possibility that a comma is needed in the second paragraph toward the end, after the word another. Though I must tell you I am no expert in the field of punctuation. Other than that, the spelling , grammar, and punctuation all appear to be in order.

Being a second place winner in a contest, I felt a ribbon should adorn this great work, so this is the item I have chosen to decorate. I hope you are not disappointed with the reviews. Some things are hard to review, and others are easy. I can tell you I spent at least two hours doing these. I hope that is taken into consideration.

Hugs my friend

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#3279287

Review of Strain

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Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

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"Strain"

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🌖 HuntersMoon

TITLE

A one word title which gives just a hint of what may be to come, leads to intrigue and investigation. Quite a useful tool, using the one word title, it lures the reader.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

In this short piece there are two characters to learn. One is strict and by the book. I perceive him to be straight laced and by the book. This summation is based on his urgency for secrecy, though they are in an office of high security already.

Lisa appears to me to be more layed back, yet cautious. She is an expert in her field, thus her being called in and put into the loop.

PLOT:

While altering DNA for the purpose of war, something goes terribly wrong and a new creature is created.

SUGGESTIONS

~no grammar, spelling or punctuation errors were notated.

~375 more words could have been used to give added information. Is this a testing facility in the desert so that the containment, when breached allows a small bit of time for the general population to prepare, or if the containment is breached, will there be instant chaos???

POINTS TO PONDER

Have you thought about turning this into an actual story, instead of a short story for a prompt? Take what you have and run with it from here? Turn this into a novel.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall this is a well written piece. The subject stays within the prompt and the content is in cohesion with the subject. The story is sci-fi genre and is one that could have a regular following if turned into a novel.

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#3279279

Review of Morning Ardor

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

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"Morning Ardor"

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🌖 HuntersMoon

TITLE

The title sums it all up as love in the morning. I felt the passion in the title steaming up the Sunday morning sunrise.
A strong title which suggests passionate love.

FORMAT/STYLE

Rhyming Alliterisen. Not being schooled in formats and styles, I found this a new lesson. The details for this style are listed below the poem to further educate those who are novice poets like myself. This helps the reader to be better informed when reading the poem.

RHYTHM/RHYME

A rhyming couplet with a final line to sum up or wrap up the emotion within the poem. The rhymes were smooth and within subject context.

SUGGESTIONS

This would be one to submit for publishing as well. Very well written with no errors found.

POINTS TO PONDER

What would another verse added on look like?

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall this is well written. I am having a hard time grasping the subject of alliterisen and the format itself, but that is just me and the way I am with something new. I felt the direction and instruction added below the poem added further depth and cohesion, bringing this to a six star writing. Great job!
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#3279274

Review of Dare To Be

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"Dare To Be"

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🌖 HuntersMoon

TITLE

The title is a challenge which sums up the poem quite well. It is a statement of encouragement which gives a sense of intrigue as to what the dare may be. Coming upon just the title alone is enough to encourage me to read on further. Very creative and all encompassing.

FORMAT/STYLE

The format chosen is rhyming couplets grouped together into sets, which create the verse. The first two verses encompass two sets of couplets, and the third and fourth contain three couplets. This alteration does not distract from the poem in any way. It actually shows a progession of time, which goes in sequence with the poem. It does so in the fact that it counts up, from two to three couplets, or in case of lines, four lines to six. This shows progression or time passage.

RHYTHM/RHYME

This poem contains ten separate rhymes. Each one is easy to follow, flows smooth off the tongue and is in unison with the partnered word. The rhymes fit well within the subject and in no way look as if they were submitted into the poem merely to rhyme. They appear as if belonging where they are.

The rhythm of the poem is dictated by the punctuation in conjunction with the rhyme. Together the voice of the poem is easily found and can be read, fast or slow. The pace is determined by the reader. Adding pause and voice inflection of the poem doesn't change the meaning, but hammers it home with a flair of drama and sincerity.

SUGGESTIONS

This is a well written piece. The grammar, punctuation and spelling were all in order as if this were ready for publication, of which my suggestion is. To publish this one. If nothing else, print this out on special paper, frame it, and give it to your daughter.

POINTS TO PONDER

If going with the time progression theory of four lines to six, if you put one single couplet at the beginning, this would be 2, 4, 6. Just an idea to ponder.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall this is a well written piece. The sentiments moved me and I could see the smile on her face when your daughter reads this. This is written in love and is appropriate for all young women. A wish and a prayer, that really sums up this poem. A very creative writing. Great Job!

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#3279236

Review of HOME

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"HOME"

KATHLEEN STEVENS

Welcome to this wonderful site for reading writing and reviewing. There is much to do here and I see you have begun by writing some poetry. This is a wonderful metaphorical piece, leading me to believe that you are no novice when it comes to writing free-style poems.

TITLE: The title sums up the poem as using writing as a comfort zone; a place to call home; where the author feels the most relaxed. These sum up the poem with clarity and ingenuity.

BODY: The body of the poem consists of three verses. The first two verses can be metaphorical, and the reader must truly open the eyes to see that this is a poem speaking of writing. To retrace one's steps, they merely open the book and read what they have written. Their words and images are what takes them back ton this journey.

Overall I felt this was a very well written poem. The spelling, grammar, and punctuation was all in order. The content stayed true to the subject throughout the poem.

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#3278610

Review of Reticent Speech

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"Reticent Speech"

Civy-Je

A very sad yet romantically loving poem. Often times actions do speak louder than words. More often than not, repeating those special words over and over, happen to make them somehow, sometimes, lose the shine for some. Showing someone you love them, rather than telling them each and every time, leaves a lasting impression.

Somehow, I got the feeling that this was a piece on saying goodbye. One loved dearly has left this life to move on, yet their spirit can still be felt, through the memories of love the two shared.

A well written piece.
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#3273394

Review of White Fire

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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"White Fire"

katwoman45

TITLE

How appropriate of a title, capturing the essence of the poem with such detail, yet giving nothing away. The title sums up this poem with great ease and vivid tapestry. I would make the suggestion of boldening the title if it is to remain on the page with the written text, as to better set it off and make it stand out.

FORMAT/STYLE

A free-style poem of nine verses, all of which entice and invite the heat of the encounter. Slight punctuation is used to complement the poem and it in no way detracts from it.

RHYTHM/RHYME

The free-style piece has no rhyme and the rhythm is all in the cadence of breath of which the reader chooses to follow. Each verse holds its own merit with punctuation, dictating where to pause, other than that the freedom of reign for this rhythmatic piece lies with the reader.

SUGGESTIONS

With no grammatic, punctuation or spelling errors noted, I have no actual suggestions as to improving the basics of the poem. However with the vivid tapestry this poem creates with the steam of passion, I found myself wondering what this would like like centered instead of aligned. Centering this poem on the page so as to have broken alignment may better signify the reunion taking place in the garden.

POINTS TO PONDER

This isn't an act that has occured, this is an imagined thought, an idea, turning into an invitation. Many may miss this, or seem to be glossing over it. I wonder how an additional verse would effect the overall balance of the poem, the actual invitation, something in reference of joining in the garden and letting the white fire ignite the passions of love.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall I felt this was a well written piece. I feel many are missing the full picture, though that may be due to a hurried read rather than reading this several times over.
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#3273082

Review of The Unfinished Journal

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

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"The Unfinished Journal"

Fyn

TITLE

:
Strong and independent, this title sums up the plot of the story. The journal being the center stage of this short story, I could think of no other suggestions that would do justice for a title the way the existing one does.

OPENING PARAGRAPH/SENTENCE:

The opening sentence and paragraph of a story are vital. Each plays an important part in hooking the reader and luring them into the story. They not only set the story in motion, but entice the reader to continue with the story.

I am not sure the beginning sentence or paragraph has the strength to start out this piece. There is no lure. We are introduced to the book alone, though not enough significance is laid upon it. Perhaps if more information was put into it. Also within the first paragraph it is stated that the book moves (it is previously on a dim shelf, yet then moves only to find itself in the sunlight again. This is inconsistent with the beginning of the story, thus already becoming a problem for the reader to follow comprehensively.

With a whisper of shuffled paper, dust-mites are captured for a breath of time as a stray sunbeam illuminates the dusty dim shelf of which the old unfinished journal had previously sat undisturbed. The unsettled journal slid just a hair more, as if moving forward to be noticed, once again settling in the sunlight.
(merely my suggestion for a different rendition on the opening paragraph.)

SUGGESTIONS

~Washington and as we stopped

~It was when I had driven close to 5000 miles in the past week and a half that I decided that it was time to land somewhere for a couple of days
This sentence doesn't quite sound right to me. The object is that you had driven 5000 miles. The predicate is that it was time to land somewhere else. However, worded as it is, the clarity is lost in the wordiness of it.

~After driving for 5000 miles over the last week and a half, I decided to land somewhere for a couple of days.

~After driving non-stop over 5000 miles in just under a week and a half, I decided to give my legs a stretch by settling for a day or two.
Just a few suggestions above. I really didn't take anything out of the sentence, just a bit of re-wording.

~ It was so intriguing that I couldn’t wait to get settled and go explore
What about this sentence supports that the city was intriguing? I felt that perhaps enticing would have been a better word. Intrigue sparks a sense of mystery, what was it that was mysterious to the voice? I felt that the character was excited by what she saw and the relaxing picture she paints us with this visual entices her to stop and relax for a while.

~Agreeing to talk later, I was eager to go poke around the village before the stores closed
Agreeing to talk later, we quickly said our goodbyes and I continued on with my journey in exploring the village before the stores closed.

POINTS TO PONDER

~towards/upwards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, backward, outward, beside, to name a few.

~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality.

~Wooden branch benches
These don't sound so sturdy to me. I can see them being made out of small logs or described as wooden slat benches.

CAUGHT MY EYE/ATTENTION

~It took me about five readings to catch on to the italicized leak of information the author reveals to the reader. I think it was quite clever and a great lead although it is in fact just a thought italicized, I like the foreshadowing it gives.

~ I thought it humorous that the townsfolk pointed out things not to miss, then the next sentence begins with her missing the turn in the road.

~ Once the core of the story gets underway, I felt that it was well written. The author knew where they were going with this story completed it in style. A very unexpected ending.

Overall this is a well written piece. The storyline is good and the character developement is strong. Viewing the travels through this piece was a pleasure for me.
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