~WhoMe???~'s (whome) Reviews

~WhoMe???~

Review Requests: OFF

4,509 Public Reviews Given

4,699 Total Reviews Given

951

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#3225400

Review of TBD: Little Lily's Night

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Stephanie Grace

Brief Summary:

Little Lily is afraid of the dark. This is a story of what happens to her one night that awakens her to realities beyond her imagination.

Suggestions:

~in the third verse, to should be too

What I liked about this piece:

This is a story that had a personal effect for me. Having myself been afraid of the dark, I too was in relation with Little Lily. Her eyes were opened by an unprecedented encounter. In my case, it was a special friend of mine, Mickey, who opened my eyes.

This is a well written poem. The rhyming scheme and flow of this poem was easy to follow and the poem was a joy to read

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

952

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#3224446

Review of Anniversary

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

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🌕 HuntersMoon

"Anniversary"

Brief Summary:

As I sit here reading this sad poetic tale, I am reminded of the loss of a loved one. These are memories shared with just a touch of pain incorporating much emotion. This is a free-style poem written with such grace that it captures the emotions in the picture which accompanies the poem just brilliantly.

Suggestions:

I think the subtext sums up the whole of the poem. I was wondering, for which contest is this written for??? Perhaps a link at the end letting us know... but then you do run into the problem of the contest being closed and having to go back and close down the link.

What I liked about this piece:

I felt that there is such a connection between the words and the picture that the author is pulling the emotion out of the silhouette of the character of this sad painting.

Areas that I had trouble with:

None really. This is well written. The grammar, spelling and punctuation all seem to be in order. I read this several times. Each time I was pulled deeper into the picture and emotion.

Why I rated this so:

This is a very capturing piece. I could find no error with it, nor any way to improve upon it. This is a pleasure to read, and a poem to consider for publication.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

953

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#3223839

Review of A Friend Found A Friend Lost

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

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jake holder

Summary
A sad love tale. This reads like a love song or ballad. Written from the heart.

SUGGESTIONS:
~Proper capitalization should be used in all of the lines as it is in the others to keep with the consistency.
~Examples are "i", and "im" (which should be "I'm).
~ "Are" should be "Our" in in Jake verse two after "flight".
~ "Your" should be "You're in Jake verse one following "bubble", and in Adam Verse 1
~ "jake" should be capitalized in Adam's verse three

Personal Opinion
I felt that ommitting the swearing would open the song up to a broader audience. I felt that it was a distraction from the sentiments of the song. Though some would find it hard and to the core of the emotion, taking it out, opens it up to more of an audience.

954

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#3223208

Review of ~You're my honey

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

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StaiNed-:D

Brief Summary:

"~You're my honey"

is a poem like no other I have read from you. This must mean I have been absent in reviewing for you in quite a while. I am acustom to dark and deep writings, not bright and lustful declarations of love and desire. This was a very emotionally charged poem. It is very good. There is nothing I can add, except for perhaps to publish this. A very sensual piece.

955

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#3222938

Review of untitled

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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gothic angel

ybgarr

Brief Summary:

"untitled "

is a piece written in remembrance. This is a sad tale of one person offering so much if the other would just come back to them. I believe the person this is written for is no longer among the living.

Suggestions:

~The punctuation for this entire poem is one run-on breath. Using only commas for all six verses, only then ending in a period at the completion of the poem, does not give breath of life to the voice of the poem. It makes it difficult do to the fact that each verse in and of itself is a separate idea or thought. I suggest going back through and editing the punctuation of the poem. Read it out loud to get a feel for where you want the reader to pause for breath or contemplation.

~I felt that the word or phrase fav should not have been abbreviated.

~There was an over-use of the noun I even though a few variations were used. I have some suggestions in the breakdown of the review.

Example of suggestions:

Verse One
if you come out of there,
i'll offer you my hand,
i'll let you bite it till it goes numb,
i'll pull you gently just to not scare you away,

If you come out of there,
I'll offer you my hand;
letting you bit it till it goes numb;
pulling you gently so as
not to scare you away

This is an example of what I feel this poem needs. Here I have incorporated a variation on the punctuation, eliminated some of the noun abuse as well as lengthened the verse so as to fit in with the five line flow of some of the others.

Areas that I had trouble with:

~ Written in rememberance of another, this piece is filled with a lack of self confidence, shown to the reader, by the lack of capitalization for the use of the noun I.

Why I rated this so:

I felt that this poem still needed some work. I feel after some more time is spent on this, the title will also reveal itself to the writer.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

956

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#3222852

Review of MadApple Short Story Contest #3

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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MadApple

"MadApple Short Story Contest #3"

Brief Summary:

A short story contest set up with great incentives for participants. This doesn't have to be anything newly written, it only has to fit within the guidelines of the contest. Accepting entries until the last day of this year, there is still time for many of you to get involved. Some great prizes are up for grabs. Currently there are four prizes to be given out and only eleven entries. This makes for great odds of winning a prize.

Suggestions:

Since a word count limit is placed on the writing, should there be a required word count submitted with the writing?

What I liked about this piece:

This is such a broad and open contest that anyone can enter. The limitations are few and this makes it easier for writers.

Areas that I had trouble with:

None, this was well written. There was no notation of grammar, spelling, or punctuation errors. The rules and requirements for the short story submissions were clear, consice , easy to follow and understand.

Why I rated this so:

This was a wonderful contest to stumble upon. I had no problems in reading this and thought this is worthy of a five star rating.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

957

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#3220609

Review of Sky Flowers

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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gothic designs

🌕 HuntersMoon

"Sky Flowers"

Brief Summary:

A wonderful Rictameter poem, this beautiful piece describes the sight one would see with many hot air balloons in the sky. Is it a hot air balloon race? Or merely a convention of ballooners? Whatever the case may be, I feel the author has captured the event with great technique.

Suggestions:

I found nothing I could suggest to improve upon this piece other than perhaps to make sure this is one of those submitted for publishing.

What I liked about this piece:

I have seen just such an event where the balloons suddenly came into view. Many of them, having just launched from a field somewhere close. I felt this captured the moment amazingly.

Areas that I had trouble with:

Absolutely none. A well written piece following the strict format rules and regulations, this poem was put together with style and grace.

Why I rated this so:

Not only did I enjoy the poem, but also the fact that the author took the time to describe the format used. This not only educates many who come upon this great poem, but also serves as a reminder as to what the format is.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

958

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#3220599

Review of Bowling: Never Want to Strike A Lot

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Tim Chiu

Brief Summary:

This is a great rhyming poem about bowling and the high expectancy many players often go into the game with. Expecting to bowl a perfect three hundred game is a dream many bowlers have, though obtaining that dream takes a lot of hard work and dedication. This is a fun poem filled with many facts and listing some great bowlers.

I enjoyed reading this fun filled piece. My family currently is having fun WII Bowling, and my mother bowls on a league. I found much truth in the lines of this poetry.

I could find no errors, grammatical, punctuation or in spelling. A job well done.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

959

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#3218893

Review of My Short Stories

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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gothic angel

ShelleyA~15 years at WDC

This is the folder containing two great stories. It is adorned with a ribbon which represents the great work you do. Each story is written in true format, with a good start, a rise, a fall, a climax and resolution. I felt each story within concentrated on the main characters and didn't stray off topic at all.
This folder holds artwork to compliment one of the stories, and then one of the stories itself holds artwork on its walls. A great piece of work!
~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

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960

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#3218880

Review of Autumn Memories

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

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Multi sig from Sherryb

ShelleyA~15 years at WDC

Brief Summary:

Coming home is never the same. Looking through the eyes of a child and then years later, through the same eyes as an adult, not only are perspectives changed, but the memories are altered as well. Taking a trip through memory lane the voice of the story takes us back to simpler days and easier times.

Suggestions:

I really didn't see anything that really needed any immediate attention. I felt this was well written as it was. The spelling, grammar and punctuation, (with the exception mentioned below) are all in order.

What I liked about this piece:

The picture helped to enhance the visual for the reader, though with the descriptives of the story, this was un-necessary, but an added bonus for the reader.

Areas that I had trouble with:

~towards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, beside, inward, downward, afterwards, outward, backward, and upward, to name a few. I noticed that there is one use with the "s" and one use without it in this piece

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

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961

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#3218872

Review of The Long Way Home

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

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Multi sig from Sherryb

ShelleyA~15 years at WDC

Brief Summary:

"The Long Way Home"

Is a short story of fairies and the retrieval of a princess. Having left home on a journey to discover why children stop coming to the other side of the dream world, Moira needs a reminder of who she is and her place in society.

Suggestions:

I could find no error in grammar, spelling or punctuation. The plot all seemed to be surrounded by supporting evidence and adventure. Nothing strayed from the story leading us in an opposing direction. This was well written and left no room for me to suggest anything other than for this to be added to with additionl short chapters to complete a short story for children based off of these events and characters, and then published.

What I liked about this piece:

This had a soft texture to it. It may have something to do with the picture of the folder this is housed in, for that is the image I saw while reading this short story. I felt this was a light read for parents to read to younger children, or perhaps a piece for young adults. A great beginner novel, if put into novel form.

Areas that I had trouble with:

None other than I could not find additional chapter supporting this storyline.

Why I rated this so:

A wonderful story and a pleasure to read, this touched my heart with joy.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

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962

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#3218723

Review of Little Ships

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

♥♥♥♥♥ I am reviewing your story as a judge for
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
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November 2009 ♥♥♥♥♥

JACE

Title:

"Little Ships"

by JACE

is a strong title which represents a memory trigger for a young lad.

Setting:

The setting of the story is Dunkirk, both in memory and in the current time.

Plot:

Struggling to survive a youth of German occupied Dunkirk must trust in strangers in order to survive.

Characterization:

A young and courageous boy fights back the only way he knows how. He hides. His instincts and his teachings as a youth give him the skills and knowledge he needs to trust in and aid the English soldiers that come to his aid.

Areas that I had trouble with:

~starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in todays writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles

Parting Thoughts :

A well written story with no grammar, spelling or punctuation errors. Though this was a sad piece to read, I enjoyed reliving the story all the same. It is stories like these that need shared and remembered.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

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963

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#3218592

Review of Reindeer Roulette!

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Robert Waltz

Brief Summary:

A game of chance designed to work as a wonderful gifting tool, you can come here to purchase roulette spins or to gift packages to this wonderful activity.

A fun time for all involved, I found this to my liking and can't wait to see the prizes as they are unveiled.

Suggestions:

Make sure we spread the word that

Reindeer Roulette!

(E)
Winners announced for 2013! Now closed for the season.
#1625672 by Robert Waltz

is open and running. We want as much participation as possible so that we can all enjoy the benefits of such a great activity.

What I liked about this piece:

This was well thought out and planned. Executed with ease this great activity, I predict, will be a big hit.

Areas that I had trouble with:

Absolutely none, this is a wonderful activity. Spelling, rules, punctuation and grammar all seem to be in order.

Why I rated this so:

Something I am proud and excited to participate in.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

964

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#3217161

Review of Near the Fountain

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)

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Nikola

Brief Summary:

The fountain is privy to many coming and going. This is a tale in poetic form of love and laughter, tears and sorrow, all experienced by the calming waters of the fountain.

Suggestions:

The grammar, punctuation, and spelling all appear to be in order. I could find nothing to suggest, other than to offer this piece of poetry up for publication.

What I liked about this piece:

I was able to envision the different emotions through the seasons as time in the water's reflection. This was a very visual poem for me to read.

Areas that I had trouble with:

Absolutely none. A very well written poem.

Why I reviewed this so:

This doesn't allow for ratings, sadly enough, but I felt it was a ten star poem. Full of emotion and depth in just four verses, this portrayed so much, in such short space. Great creativity and disclosure.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

965

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#3217154

Review of Love's Epiphany

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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gothic angel

DMB Secundus

Brief Summary:

"Love's Epiphany"

by DMB Secundus

is the enlightenment of an emotion never felt before. Having gone through life without experience this sentiment, the relevation is strong and earth shattering, creating a fairytale illusion that manifests into a magical reality.

Suggestions:

A rhyming poem consisting of each verse with two rhyming couplets, with the exception of the last verse, it has one. I felt an additional couplet was needed to complete the poem, for it upset the rhythm to end so abruptly.

What I liked about this piece:

The fairytale coming to life. The dream coming true. What a pleasure to experience such a thing

and I would know... just ask me...

Areas that I had trouble with:

None other than the point listed in suggestions, for this is well written. The puncutation is non-existent, though that is readily fixed upon desire.

Why I rated this so:

I personally felt punctuation and an added couplet were needed at the end to complete this tale.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

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#3214820

Review of Stranded

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

♥♥♥♥♥ I am reviewing your story as a judge for
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
November 2009 ♥♥♥♥♥

Legerdemain

Title:

"Stranded"

by Legerdemain

is a strong title which draws the reader in with the mysitque it leaves hanging in the air.

Setting:

Off the shore of an exotic island located out in the ocean, secluded from any signs of modern life.

Brief Summary:

Lost in translation, not knowing their surroundings, Patty and Alan become beholden to the natives as their boat has left them stranded. Left to the mercy of this unknown tribe, a language barrier leads to dire circumstances.

Areas that I had trouble with:

~ greeted the first boat as it floated up

Parting Thoughts :

I felt that more details and descriptives could have been utilized in writing the piece. Though this is complete and well told, with a limit of 2000 words, there could have been enrichment added to the reading of location, native surroundings, individual details of the tribesmen themselves. Lure us further into the writing.

I liked the mention of sugared sand it was one of the places where I felt connected to the story through visual sensory.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

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967

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#3214792

Review of They Came

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

♥♥♥♥♥ I am reviewing your story as a judge for
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
November 2009 ♥♥♥♥♥

DanielHardin

Title:

"They Came"

by DanielHardin

is a strong title that inspires intrigue and mystery, inviting the reader to explore further to find out the source of such illusiveness.

Setting:

Not far off the banks of an ocean, yet secluded by bushes and trees, this story lives in a shrouded place of isolation from the world.

Characterization:

There isn't much depth given to any of the other characters f the story except the voice of the story and his brother Banu. Banu is a pillar of strength and devotion to the tribe. His brother, who I interpretted just from his actions to be younger, is bordering on manhood. His exuberance for life and new adventure shows a bit of immaturity in my mind.

Brief Summary:

Visitors come to a tribe offering the unbelieveable and inadvertently challenging existing beliefs and rituals. With the promise of immortality, the strangers offer the tribe a new way of life.

Areas that I had trouble with:

~ burned liked falling naked onto mountain
Burned like when falling naked onto mountain ice.

Parting Thoughts :

I liked the way the voice of the story told the events. It was like watching this from afar. I could envision each and every aspect of the story as if watching a movie.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

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#3214495

Review of hunter and vixen

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

♥♥♥♥♥ I am reviewing your story as a judge for
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
November 2009 ♥♥♥♥♥

Milhaud - Tab B

Title:

"hunter and vixen"

by Milhaud - Tab B

is a title summing up the characters of this story. Well chosen. It is both inviting and mysterious, leading the reader to delve into the story to solve the suspense.

Setting:

A Macy's call center. An office of cubicles where your desk is your home for eight hours a day as you answer phones and handle customer service relations.

Brief Summary:

Hunter and Vixen meet by chance, yet in the business world, they have met before. Will Hunter gather the nerve to pull the trigger before it is too late? Or will the Vixen be the one claiming her prize trophy by becoming the Hunter herself?

Parting Thoughts:

An interesting end to the office romance that was being kindled. I liked how this incorporated the prompt into the storyline. Often in life, we come across, thoughts, ideas, or small tokens, that lead to strange behavoir or altered choices. What is it that drives us to make a choice? Is it the picture on the wall? Sometimes ... it is.

~

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#3214476

Review of Spirit of the Lake

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

♥♥♥♥♥ I am reviewing your story as a judge for
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
November 2009 ♥♥♥♥♥

Kotaro

Title:

"Spirit of the Lake"

by Kotaro

has a title of strength that draws the reader in through mystery and intrigue. A well chosen title.

Setting:

This piece takes place in Japan, many moons in the past. This is a time some may still remember, where respect for elders was of utmost importance, and the storytellers were highly sought after for their tales. For in these tales, one never knew what they would learn, though for positive, a lesson would be revealed.

Plot:

Annin is in search of a new tale to weave and has a lead on where he can find one. This is his journey of discovery.

Characterization:

Annin's character is one of reverence and strength. For his weekness allows him to draw on other senses and see what others often will miss due to lack of clarity.

What I liked about this piece:

This is a well told piece. I found myself drifting back in time where life was slower and the days were longer. Now, so much is crammed in a day and still there are not enough minutes to get us by.

The respect shown for the elders in the community or those in need of assistance for one reason or another is a moral or standard needed today.

The depth of insight Annin brings to his people from listening with his heart and other senses due to lack of eyesight, allow him to become an instrument to all.

Areas that I had trouble with:

In the first paragraph, second sentence, I believe a comma should be inserted after the word shores and then the word could should be immediately inserted. Doing this completes the sentence.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

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#3214043

Review of Memory of the Boats

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

♥♥♥♥♥ I am reviewing your story as a judge for
SURVEY
Short Shots: Official WDC Contest (ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support
November 2009 ♥♥♥♥♥
** Image ID #1572996 Unavailable **

Guarrman

Title:

"Memory of the Boats"

by Guarrman

is a strong title which is well suited for this short story in the essence that essentially the story is a memory.

Setting:

Taking place on the ocean and Tamlin island. Not being about the island, but more about what went on there, little is told of the setting.

Brief Summary:

In a desperate situation, a young private must make descisions to stay and fight, when outnumbered, or to survive. Taking the later, he sets out for a course of action that should lead him to survival, leaving the question of what to do about the fallen comrades. These are the memories relived by private Holms.

What I liked about this piece:

This is a well written story. I found that it was easy to follow and understand the actions of the character. Minute details were left out about how the private knew his comrades were all killed, but it didn't matter, for this was a memory that was shared. Sometimes memories play tricks and alter the past in degrees.

Areas that I had trouble with:

~starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in todays writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles.

~typo: bolder boulder

~typo: resupplyre-supply

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

971

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#3213358

Review of The Old Home

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

♥♥♥♥♥ I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" [ASR]November 2009 ♥♥♥♥♥
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Dudemellow

Title:

"The Old Home"

by Dudemellow

The title of this story was well chosen. It enboldens all that the story is about and wraps it into a few words.

Setting:

The setting of thsi story is in the memory of Maanwa. The setting is the home, whether it be the Old Home or the New Home, of which his tribe has settled or fled.

Plot:

Memories and worries of resettling a tribe and the hardships they have and will harbor are the basis of this story. These are the troubles of Maanwa and his people. This is told in the third person view of Maanwa.

Characterization:

Maanwa is the strength and shoulders for which his tribe and this story reside. Maanwa is a proud and strong man who is looking out for the better of his family the tribe. He has integrity, morals and the smarts which are needed to see that his people survive.

Areas that I had trouble with:

This story is riddled with commas abuse. Instead of starting a new sentence, a comma is placed. This happens repeatedly and creates distraction for the reader. Stop the sentence for a new thought. When one thought or idea is concluded, start a new sentence.

Parting Thoughts :

I thought this could use some refining. My suggestion would be to go back and read this out loud. Doing this often helps to find inconsistencies, sentence breaks and other flaws. I find this helps due to hearing the story outloud rather than in our heads, for we often trick ourselves and hide things from ourselves. When the story is orated then we hear what we might otherwise miss. I would gladly return at a later date to re-rate and re-view the story for I feel it has a strong basis and great message.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

972

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3212503

Review of Dinetah

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

♥♥♥♥♥ I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

[ASR]November 2009 ♥♥♥♥♥
** Image ID #1466850 Unavailable **

ragefire2000

Title:

"Dinetah"

[13+]
Homeland, what does that represent to you the individual? The title of this story is the plot and fight of this tribe. A couragous band of individuals who want to protect their tribe and perserve their heritage with a land of their own. The title well represents the story. A good choice for a title.

Setting:

Set in the early southwest when the west was wild and the tensions high between the native tribe and the migrating spanish settlers of the east, this short story takes place on the banks of the Rio Grande.

Plot:

The plot of this story is the fight for the survival of the tribe and the urgency to hold onto a heritage and homeland of the nation.

Characterization:

The story is about the tribe, though it centers around two main characters, Sani and his wife Kai. The story is told by Kai, in her voice, yet goes back and forth as Sani speaks with his wife.

Sani and Kai both hold high integral standards. They both want what is best for their people and are willing to risk all to protect the tribe. Each are willing to make sacrifices to ensure the survival of the tribe itself.

Brief Summary:

Two main characters with much to lose, must make a choice for the better of all involved. Risking happiness together, Sani must leave a band of raiders across the Rio Grande in an attack against the settlers. With the intentions of holding on to their newly established homeland, the tribe attacks the fort before it is finished with the construction. Will the raiders survive the attack and maintain holding of the land, or will the Spanish drive the tribe once again to search for Dinetah?

What I liked about this piece:

This was a well told story. It was easy to follow and a joy to read. The dialogue was on key and it wasn't hard to tell who was doing the talking. The body of the storyline went well within the guidelines of the plot and complimented the story. Though it is a complete story on its own merit, this could easily be the prologue, or basis for a novel if the author were to so choose.

Areas that I had trouble with:

~"placid water of the slow moving water" the repetition of the word water detracts from the descriptive of placid water . I would omit the slow moving water from the sentence or alter to read slow moving lake or river. Doing so allows the descriptive to take life and create the image.

~starting a sentence with a conjunction but or and creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in todays writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles.

Parting Thoughts :

I enjoyed reading this. I was transported back in time where high value was placed on others and their needs rather than the individual and their desires. A great story!

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills

973

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3211434

Review of I MISS YOU MOM

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

♥♥♥♥♥ A Review For You ♥♥♥♥♥
gothic angel

skymac

Brief Summary:

A dedicated poem to a mother cherished and love, beyond words. This rhyming couplet poem has a broken rhythm which gives voice to a broken heart as mom is no longer with us. This tear filled piece is both sorrowful and calmed with the thoughts of mom.

Suggestions:

Written in a free-style rhythm, there is no format other than the couplets rhyme. I would suggest shortening or lengthening some of the verses to come to a closer rhythm or syllable count. I feel this would make the poem stronger in the fact that the flow would be easier to follow for more readers. That is not to say there is anything wrong with the poem as it is, I just feel a more lines closer in rhythm would roll off of the tongue easier.

What I liked about this piece:

This was a special piece, that I feel must have been hard to write. Reliving and revealing all of this emotion must be somewhat difficult to do. Sharing such personal memories and thoughts with others is sometimes scary, yet this author and poem does just this with great strength and conviction.

Areas that I had trouble with:

Absolutely none, this is well written. The grammar, spelling and punctuation all appear to be in order.

Why I rated this so:

For me, the rhythm was a bit awkward and I felt a more unison flow would improve this piece beyond a five star rating.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
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974

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3209365

Review of The Love in a Filet-O-Fish

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

♥♥♥♥♥ A Review For You ♥♥♥♥♥
gothic angel

shively1126

Brief Summary:

A young love story set during a travel of two sisters, I found this to be a refreshing read. The interaction between sisters was light and playful, while the momentum leading up to the climax of the story was well paced.

I enjoyed the surprise ending. It put a nice twist on this. I can envision this as a re-telling of a true life event.

This short piece had great descriptives and the author truly set the scene for the event.

For some reason, and I can not put my finger on it, this came across to me as directly out of the mouth of a young teenager or adult. Perhaps it was word choice or the way there was a skip from topic and subject as is in young life. I truly felt a young girl was retelling me of events unfolding on her travels.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
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975

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3204632

Review of Zombie Story

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

♥♥♥♥♥ A Review For You in connection with "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM CLOSED 4NOW"

by SHERRI GIBSON

♥♥♥♥♥

A Read All About It Package for AaronT

with the message "You have been randomly selected from the Read A Newbie page to receive a Read All About It Package from the "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM CLOSED 4NOW" by one of its group leaders Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life . Enjoy the reviews and write on!'

AaronT

Brief Summary:

Having had a dream that sparked a short story, this is an embellashment of the dream. What happens after the dream. Have you ever tried to go back into a dream? Maybe making the story up as you go along, trying to capture the exact feelings and emotions? This is just that. A continuation of the story. What came after the Zombie dream is a story all and of itself.

Suggestions:

~Tree’s branches swayed
this is listed as if this were the branches of a peticular tree. It should read Tree as in a singular tree or group of trees, for the branches are the subject.

~sail from America was were destroyed.

~causing the car started to slow down.
looks as if two ideas for a sentence combined here, giving us a grammatically choked sentence which doesn't quite work.

What I liked about this piece:

I liked the direction the story took. This became one of those sci-fi movies that we often watch each saturday night. I would love to see this expanded into a novel. The dream being the launch of the movie, or book, then you shoot ahead of the dream, with flashbacks showing where the dream originated. The book would consist of what came after the dream. An interesting subject, what would happen if the USA were to be shut off from all other nations? How would it effect the natives, especially given the circumstances of which they are dealing. Yes, a good book can come from this... sort of reminds me of a movie, 28days I think it was, similar idea, only it was England who was quarentined.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
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