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Having reviewed the first 38 chapters of Haven, they didn't post to the public reviews page as they said they do. Thus, here is a repeated copy, since this prologue is the same. This folder also contains a query letter, settings, and character listings.
cherry 
Brief Summary:
Chapter 1.With the opening of the novel, we are introduced to two characters, Scar and Alex. Scar is the voice of the story, she is our main character. It is through her eyes that we will embark on this journey. As we meet her, she is currently in a fight that her best friend has started or somehow dragged her into, she isn't sure which. The chapter ends with a police raid. We must read on....
Chapter 2. Busted, Scar spends the evening locked up with the rest of the girls rounded up from the club. This is a descriptive piece which sheds a tone of darkness and despair on the novel. The disappointment of parents and the gloominess of the cell wear done scar.
Chapter 3. Disappointments are shared. The dreams return, and so does the sleepwalking. Apparently Scar has a problem, and though she thought it had gone away, she is back to waking up in strange places. This time, she made it out into the street. Not that they weren't before, but her parents are now extrememly concerned and beside themselves with worry.
Chapter 4. Scar is late for school. Upon arriving her and Alex begin passing notes to catch up on events. When this exhibit of friendship is interrupted by the teacher, a scene ensues, of which Alex is then forced to leave the area. She finds seclusion outside the school in a tree, where she once again has a dream. Has she connected with her mother somehow in the dream?
Chapter 5. An intense chapter of events. Sounds and light appear to have taken on a heightened sense of brightness for Scar. Her senses realing, she volts and runs aimlessly. She finds safety in a pay phone booth and manages to call for help, only to be overcome at the last minute by assaillants unknown.
Chapter 6. Transformation: Alex is strapped down, and has no idea what is happening to her, other than she is experiencing intense pain. Her body appears to be going through a change of sorts, yet she is unaware of this. Once again she has visions.
Chapter 7. Scar is taken away by her captors. She has done some terrible damage at home, though she has no recollection of what transpired. She agrees to be taken elsewhere, for the protection of her family.
Chapter 8. With the feeding, comes clarity. Scar is given some life shattering information. Her heritage is briefly touched upon, and she learns she is not who she thought she was. She is an outcast in all aspects of the word. She belongs to know side, yet holds keys to both. With renewed strength her dreams become more vivid.
Chapter 9.Scar chooses her new name, Devena, after her own character sketch. She is taken to her new school, far away and secluded. This new setting turns the novel in a new direction. This could be the start of Book Two, if broken up into shorter stories.
Chapter 10. Scar, now Devena, is introduced to her roommate, then she begins to wander the campus trying to get her bearings. On her jaunt she sees gravity defied, and meets a new character, leading us to the next chapter.
Chapter 11. Scar and her witch friend take a tour of the campus. She is still overwhelmed with the vastness of the place. She learns there are some boundries for different races within the campus, though this information is just briefly touched upon.
Chapter 12. Scar's first day starts out terrible. Late for her first class, she then finds she is unprepared and completely lost in Miss Talon's presence. Not knowing what is expected or how to comply, Scar embarasses herself. Later she is offered some assistance with this problem.
Chapter 13. Scar runs into an old arch nemesis. They have unfinished business, and get right to it, once outside the halls of the school. Scar and Snow White go at it full force and end up causing a scene in the courtyard.
Chapter 14. Being escorted to be presented before the council for grounds of fighting, an act which breaks school rules, Scar is sentenced without a hearing, and made to test her wills. She is pushed beyond her normal limits as a reminder of the rule.
Chapter 15. Scar is taught the importance of concentration. During her exercise in this teaching, it is discovered that they aren't alone, and that a legend of sorts is on the prowl.
Chapter 16. Art class, and an inner look at herself. She is confused and not sure what she is feeling. Scar is at odds with herself.
Chapter 17. The feeding has Scar running and scared. She is not sure she likes what is happening to her. She is becoming a monster, one of them, and she is confused. She stumbles into a maze of catacombs below the cathedral and there finds someone she does not know who helps to lead her back to the door of safety.
Chapter 18. Scar decides she has no business here on campus and takes off. She leaves at daybreak, forgetting the torturous effect the sun now has on her. She takes shelter in the ghost town where she finds a cell phone. There she learns she can never return to the life she had before. Her existence is no longer. She is dead to her previous friends and family.
Chapter 19. Rayne exhibits some more uncharacteristic friendship traits. What is it that has softened her to Scar? Talon puts Scar to the test after class.
Chapter 20. Scar has another vision. Rayne comes to her side and seeks help for her, though it is unwanted. Talon meets in secret with an unknown and discusses some of Scar's hidden traits. Jynx attacks Scar from behind and is struck unconscious when Scar finally fights back.
Chapter 21. Scar is brought into a secret initiation. She is welcomed into a secret society which fights amongst itself as the passtime, sort of a right of passage.
Chapter 22. Defiante in nature, Scar is not about to change her ways now. She is determined to not become one of the creatures of her ancestry. She is willing to do what is needed to avoid feeding again.
Chapter 23. Scar goes on her first date, what happens is not what she expected. Then as she is trying to gather her composure, a secret is revealed.
Chapter 24. Something has happened on campus that have the teachers all acting differently. Refusing to address the situation with the students, the teachers inevitably create more of a mystique aura that arouses the senses of the students.
Chapter 25. Rayne has figured out who Shadow is on the computer. Scar has another vision, only this time she races out to the scene with Rayne in tow.
Chapter 26.Scar and Rayne are required to report to the council following the discovery of another body. How long can Scar keep her secret???
Chapter 27. Scar is given a warning from an aold acquaintance. She struggles with the thought of keeping her secret or sharing with Rayne.
Chapter 28. Shadow is finally unmasked, but has beaten her opponent. She takes ehr usual sunday jaunt down in the tunnels with Apolina, and runs into another person.
Chapter 29. Talon threatens Scar, while Klein offers a hand of understanding. Or so all appears at the present. Scar is feeling overwhelmed and needs some time away.
Chapter 30. Daemon and Scar hang out in the common room, she learns of his family's connection to the school, and his heritage.
Chapter 31. Another attack on campus has the student body in an uproar. Jynx was attacked, but she was able to survive, and escape from her attacker. Now limitations are put upon the students.
Chapter 32.Scar is called before the principal concerning the latest attack. She was seen outside of the dorms during curfew. The students are beginning to talk and Scar is now being shunned by the majority of the student body.
Chapter 33. Scar is asked to give a demonstration of her special talent, even though she considers it a curse. As she attempts this cognizant application, Rayne is attacked. They are able to save her due to this extreme application of this curse.
Chapter 34. Scar sees Jynx before an imminent attack, and goes to her rescue. She finds not one attacker, but three. She lures the attackers away from Jynx, did she do so in time???
Chapter 35. The children need to release some tension and decide they are going to follow through with their plans for a party. They are relaxing and having fun, when the evacuation alarms sound. Children run through the passage ways following Daemon. Some are separated as the tunnels begin to collapse. Scar runs across Rayne and the other victims, in one of the cavernous tunnels.
Chapter 36. Rayne learns the true identity of the leader behind the attacks. She then must fight to stay alive, however her current condition is weekening her. In order to survive, she must let some control go to the inner demon.
Chapter 37. This chapter focuses on the struggle as Scar fights to stay alive and save the others. The Dhampirs have been causing the attacks, and now, lead by Klein who is searching for some sort of doorway, the dhampirs fight against Scar.
The regulators and some teachers find Scar and what remains of the surviving dhampirs and their victims, in the caverns. The Dhampirs are exterminated, and Scar is once again called before the council.
Chapter 38. Scar sees the wakening of a new source.
Suggestions:
Prologue:~Haven: Shadow Embraced has a few errors in the beginning prologue. The second sentence is a run-on sentence which has the quality to be two seperate sentences if some of the repetition is cut out. Also in the prologue, a conjunction but is used to start a sentence. Starting a sentence with a conjunction creates an incomplete sentence which is tough on the reader. Though this is becoming more acceptable in the writing arena today, this is still an inproper use of a conjunction.
Chapter 1.I had no suggestions for chapter one. It is well written.....halt, I did think of something. Not all people are familair with modern slang terminology, so ignore my ignorance, but what is BFF best friend.....???
Chapter 2..~ Heartbeats, note not just mine, but everyone here.
backwards an action word. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being words of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, upward, inward, downward, outward, and toward, to name a few.
~cop beckon beckons
~change refuses to the singular, there toward the end, right before the last paragraph.
Chapter 3. a single mirror, yet their is used as if many mirrors. The singular, its needs to replace the their.
~starting a sentence with a conjunction but or and creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in todays writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles.
Chapter 4. warm warmth amidst the pain .
Chapter 5. ~beads of sweat drips drip
~ red eyes frantically searches search
Chapter 6. in the first sentence, change hurtsto hurt.
Chapter 8. ~backwards refer to notes in previous chapters.
~Footsteps approaches approach
Chapter 9. spell check cosy should be cozy
~ buildings remains should be buildings remain
~leads both up and down change to lead both up and down
~less lessen the feeling.
Chapter 11.~ towards see notes in early chapters.
~ignorance massesthe ignorant masses
~the begins the beginnings of a headache
Chapter 12.~the students moves towards try students move toward
~by a garlic and crucifixesso to read by garlic and crucifixes
Chapter 13. school grounds looks look
~have no intention of walk walking away
~Ones One is all she needs.
~faint points of lights glows change to faint points of light glow
Chapter 14.~ sitting out from of the room.... is this to mean she is sitting in front, facing the room? Or is she sitting in the front of the room??? Clarification is needed here.
~and slams me into the ground.
Chapter 17. the wording from the girl down in the tunnels needs worked on. Currently it reads as if in the tunnels is where Scar belongs. That is the exact opposite of what is meant here.
Chapter 21. a spell check needs preformed on this chapter.
Chapter 23.My visions only came with I draw, the grammar structure of this sentence is unsound. I suggest some rewording.
Chapter 26.~ Third paragraph, next to last sentence, instead of a period it should be a comma, then the words my eyes.
~when the girls turn and see the body, a comma is needed after vision.
~ Sentences are started without capitalization.
~next words that spills spill
Chapter 27. In this chapter not even half way through there are a few sentences that start a sentence without capitalization.
~there are a few words, that the spelling, depending on the country of origin may need spell check.
Chapter 30.~immediately vacatesvacate
~ screams that goes}c:red}go
~Toward the end of the chapter, sentences begin without capitalization, and slang terminology is used.
Chapter 31.~followed the creatures creature should be singular here. At this point the only thing known or thought is that there is an attacker.
~The grounds fills fill with murmurs.
Chapter 34. Sentences that begin, with no capitalization.
Chapter 35. Instead of saying he wanted to take her to somewhere else more "alone", perhaps somewhere more "private" would have sounded more like he wanted to be with her as a girlfriend.
Chapter 36. Sentences starting without capitalization.
~ first paragraph the word needs to be squeezes.
Chapter 37. Sentences with no capitalization course through this whole chapter.
What I liked about this piece:
These first 38 chapters were captivating. I had a hard time stopping to review, for I had to keep reading on. I rather enjoyed this story and can't wait to see the end. There have been many turns and obstacle, creating a sense of something dark looming in the distance.
Areas that I had trouble with:
Chapter 2. Scar, has been in a fight, then spent the evening locked up in a cell. Though Michael picks her up in the morning and refuses to look at her, some mention should be given to her appearance to add to his disappointment. Does she have bruises on her face, is her hair a mess, has her makeup ran, are her clothes disheveled? All of these things help add to the mood he will be in at the first sight of her.
Chapter 7. "I can be seeing what I want" this comment given in blase fashion toward the end of the chapter, is doing injustice to this very relevant piece of information. This is strong stuff. To see events taking place elsewhere yet not being there, deserves more than this short sentence followed by a small paragraph. It needs lengthened. In addition to that, this particular sentence is not grammatically sound. It needs re-worded.
Chapter 8. As the fiery liquid cascades down my throat, I can feel myself slowly being crushed beneath the encompassing might of this primal self. If I don’t stop I’ll be destroyed, but the sweet taste filling my mouth is irresistible. The other is closer, almost at the surface. I can feel her.
This paragraph rushes through one vital piece of information. Here Scar is fighting another component of her inner self. Yet this is so briefly touched upon, the casual reader will be confused by this short paragraph. Describe that there is an inner self yearning and requiring this feeding, struggling to emerge. An inner battle between her and you are vying to come out the victor. Scar doesn't know yet who this other person is inside her, she is barely congnisant of this alternate ego, yet they fight for control.
Chapter 9. States that "being a vampire", yet it is told in previous chapters she is a "dhampir" and that her father was a "vampire" . Should she be saying, that, being half vampire?
Chapter 12. Has lunchtime at four in the afternoon, yet in previous chapters when reading the manual for the school it said lunch was at noon, Scar's comment being" Isn't it usually".
Chapter 13. I am not sure a teacher at such a campus would list the mutation as a sub-species. To anyone attending such a school, these new races would be superior to their origins.
Chapter 14. The council requests that Scar speak in her defense, when she attempts to, they silence her before she can answer. I disagree with this. A council, even of peers, must here the sides of the story, or at least allow the accused to speak whether guilty as charged or innocent, whichever the case may be. They wouldn't pass judgement before this.
Chatper 15. Rayne wants to know how Scar has managed to capture the attention of the two most popular guys at the school. The first being Daemon, who is the second, Rome?
Chapter 16. Rayne's enthusiasm at missing Scar at dinner, is very uncharacter like of her. She seems to detest her and yet here she is throwing an olive branch? I am not sure this fits here. Not yet anyway.
Chapter 34. Why did Klein not assist Scar? He should of followed her or offered assistance, especially with her in her state. That or gone for help from a nurse. Something needs said to explain his actions, or lack of action.
Chapter 35. If the siren is to an evacuation from the school, then why would the children return to the school?
Chapter 36. The blade piercing Scar, should pin her to the wall, instead of the removal of the sword pinning her. The sequencing doesn't work.
Overall:
Overall this is a good start. We have built up to a major crecendo. Now it feels like something major is about to happen. This story could be broken into a trilogy, or combined into one complete novel. Either way this is a great read. With vampires and wolves, with witches too, there is a cast of great magnitude, where the story can take a turn at any juncture.
Many chapters had the same editing problems, conjunctions starting sentences, action words with added syllables creating slang and sentences starting without capitalization. I would suggest the author go back and re-read the story for editing purposes keeping these suggestions in mind.
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills ID: 1140329 (Rated: E)
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~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
