An odiferous story about sweet revenge. The jokes we play on each other at work can sometimes get the better of us. It also keeps us on our toes. This contest entry is about just that thing. A small incident at home leads to pulling the stink on coworkers. The joke scale just got tipped.
A few items of notice worth mentioning:
~first of all, you have it-immediately this is not a hyphenated word. Subtract the hyphen and this will work just fine as long as you leave each word on it's own accord.
~When first telling that the dogs are yorkie, you have both Yorkshires and dogs pluralized. Delete the "s" off of yorkshires and the sentence will be smoother and grammatically sound.
~These two bolted into the kitchen, they didn't bark any longer. Whimpering, sneezing, and they began writhing against the tile floor.
The second sentence needs some work. It reads almost as if there was another thought that got interrupted and missed being put onto the page. So a little re-wording needs to take place here. A suggested alternative would be Whimpering and sneezing, they began to writhe against the tile floor.
~When speeking about not seeing past the yorkies, due to the light infraction, the words with the light reflecting against the glass, concealing ... changing the sentence up this way, makes it flow a little smoother.
~A skunk raised his tail, aimed at me, and within the same moment of realizing my dilemma it was, too late.
I wanted to puke, and I did. What a mess. I slammed door shut before the outburst occurred.
This short paragraph is very action packed. The only thing wrong with this paragraph, is the last sentence. It doesn't ring true in sequence form. How could you shut the door before the outburst occurred, if the outburst had already happened? Are we speaking outburst of spray from the skunk, or spray from the vomit? Either way, both had already occurred.
Other than the before mentioned items, I didn't notice anything else to comment on editing wise. This is well written and a pleasure to read. I would suggest after making the few changes, to go back and do one more read, aloud. This helps to make sure the piece sounds well rounded and makes sense too.
*One side note*
Massengil Douche has been proven to take the stink off of dogs and of people. Just apply to the fur and rub in, then rinse. For a large dog, I recommend two doses. Sounds odd, but I have tried this myself after reading it in an animal first aid book. I now keep this on hand in case skunks decide I or the dog need a shower.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1404398 by Not Available.
You have created a very interesting poem here. It is short and sweet askimg about time. Is there more to time than we see? Yhe only conflict I did notice was that rivers do slow, and do speed up. The raise, they lower, and some dry up. In going with the simile you have created, time would do the same. So my question is , Is Time Infinite?
I picture your piece formatted differently, yet keeping all the same wording. To me the way it is, it is written more as a short paragraph. Here is an example of what I see:
TIME
What is time,
but an number
in the air,
always going,
never stopping?
While the world,
will never stop,
and neither
will time.
Time never
stands still.
Time is like a river,
never slowing and
never stopping.
I gave a four and a half star rating. This is a good piece, but I feel it lacks punch. Perhaps some commas, as demonstrated above could add definition and alter the voice to be a little more powerful. However, like I said, this is good and very creative. Thank you for sharing.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1404398 by Not Available.
This is a very action packed poem for one so small. There is a lot happening in this here short piece. Though I can not tell you the exact format name the poem uses, It is obvious that the rhythm and rhyme have a distinct pattern which is repeated throughout the whole piece.
Editing Notes
~ For the rhyming scheme, the pattern takes on an AA, BB, C format for each verse. That being said, the only verse of the three which followed this without force of rhyme would be the second one. In the first verse dealing with the second set of rhyming couplets, saw and cawed, in order for the flow to be smoother, we need to make the tense of caw the same as saw. In so doing, a few words need moved around or added. If the fourth line of the first verse was changed to As the rooster did caw then the rhyme fits perfectly for that verse.
For the last verse of the poem, again using the second set of rhymes, the flow is off to a large degree. kitchen vs. hidden. I have no suggestion here for I feel this verse needs reworked all together for a stronger finally.
Additional Comments
In conclussion I feel there is great potential here. The basis for a swift moving pome about a tornado which blows through a house is given. The action is felt through the lines though as in the editing points there are a few areas that need worked upon, thus the lower rating. I would gladly return at a future date to re-evaluate the rating.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1404398 by Not Available.
Good afternoon Ravergirl1201
This is a very interesting piece of writing. I can easily see it re-formatted to fit as a poem. The poetic potential here is grand. As it stands this writing offers some great advice and a wonderful question. In asking the question, is the voice of the poem looking to find its gem of beauty in which to share this spectacular event?
I only have two editing comment to make:
~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, as in and or but is taught to us in grammar school as inappropriate. Doing so creates an incomplete sentence or statement. This being said, many writers are actually doing this same thing more and more. It doesn't mean this is right or wrong, just merely pointing it out.
~Lastly, instead of "shines brighter then the sun , it should read than.
Hello fyn
Is this an diary, a blog, or simply a place of release? No matter what we call it, this is a place we can keep track of you our dear friend. With the latest update, I find myself remembering back to the fire I experienced, where we lost our whole residence. My heart goes out to you. Keep writing my friend. Thank you for helping us to follow you through your thoughts each day.
This is a short compilation of poetry. Each is individual in substance and quality. All are freestyle form and have a life of their own.
Together
Lacking punctuation and each line starting with capitalization, I had a hard time following the voice of the poem. There were several statements made, yet all go back on the eurphoria of being in love. I would suggest going back and either adding punctuation in between the different statements, or uncaptialize some of the beginning words. Also line sixteen is missing a word, either that or my should be me.
Alone
Alone is about an isolated event when the one you love can't make it home for the evening. It contains thoughts based around the event and the coldness of the winter evening compared to being alone. I didn't find any items that needed editing comments. It is well written. I would suggest that the formatting as far as capitalization and punctuation used in this poem be an example for the poem before.
Faded Love
Faded Love is about the gap that sometimes grows in relationships. Letting life get into the way as the Love is tested and stretched until the sparks fade and the love is lost. This is a well written poem. Each line is a sentence or statement of its own, not needed punctuation to offset each idea or thought.
Goodbye Love
I found this to be an emotion filled piece. Teetering from angst and despair to a realization of the facts and accepting them as they are, this poem goes back and forth with emotion as love is lost and leaves allowing growth and rebirth anew. I would suggest for the title to put it as a two word title, goodbye being one word.
Relationships
To me this was more of a message for a friend. The voice of the poem has strong feelings for a friend and is asking for you to entrust your heart to him/her. Wanting to take the relationship a step further, this poem seeks the friendship to move beyond and to grow. I feel the title is a bit off for this piece. To me this is more than relationship. Perhaps, Trust in Me or Together we grow . Actually none of those feel right either. I will give it more thought.
Hello opbroekc
This is a short poetic piece written in free form describing some of the highlights we see at night. With the evening comes the darkness and shadows, yet out of the shadows, a sparkling light brightens up the sky. This poet finds hope in the darkness with the twinkling pin point far up above.
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing and artistic skills!
** Image ID #1535408 Unavailable **
Greetings Redtowrite ~~ First Impression:
A daughter yearns to provide some relief for her hard working mother. Her family lives under difficult conditions. With her mother working three jobs to provide for the family, she is wearing thin and always exhausted. Time and hard work are beginning to take their tole on her mother. Winnie sees a chance to help her mother and jumps on it.
~~ Characterization:
Winnie is a very caring girl. She sees the hard work her mother is doing. She helps when she can. To lengthen the story more details and depth could be given to the characterss of the boys.
~~Any editing comments:
~When first speaking about her mothers working, the sentence needs edited to readtwo fulltime jobs
~Towards being an action word, there is no need to add the etra syllable to denote movement. This is often done with speech and then trandscends to writing, creating a slang term. Other similar occurances of this is : upward, backward, inward, outward,and forward, to name a few.
Greetings hpoxia ~~ First Impression:
To me this is a piece of angst and inner turmoil. The voice of this seven line versed poem is hurt and angry at the lifestyle it chose. I envision an angel without wings looking up at the clear blue sky. The view looking up is serene and peaceful as we hear the words of the poem, the view pans down and we see the man standing in filth and disease surrounded by death and destruction.
This short poem was very strong and agressive for me. It brought to mind a clear picture of someone who is troubled at what their life has been.
~~ Characterization:
The character of the voice is of an angel, but what is an angel without wings? Is he a man or woman, or an ant or bug? No matter what the voice becomes it will always hold some angelic qualities. Though unhappy with what its past has been the potential for what it can become is what is left.
~~Any editing comments:
I didn't notice any grammar spelling or punctuation errors. This is mostly without punctuation so the voice of the verse is easy to put self interpretation in with the reflection.
~~Dialog:
The dialog is strong and sincere in its conviction. Whether this is one talking to another, or one talking to a group as a whole, the message is delivered hard and I feel with much venom and conviction.
Greetings JessyJ HeyHeyHey ~~ First Impression:
I envision a large motocross outdoor track. With dirt packed high on the jumps and corners that bank wide. The air is filled with dust as the voice of the poem hits the straight ways. The loud noise of the engines drowns out the crowds as they cheer Jett and Adam on from the stands. The high jumps have the crowd on edge as each contestant glides up then comes down seemingly with a graceful swoop, yet dangerous and exhilerating for the rider.
~~Any editing comments:
I didn't notice any editing comments to be made as far as grammar or punctuation.
The rhyming scheme of each of the verses is forced as if there were an attempt for an altetnate rhyming couplet, thus making this a freestyle piece.
~~Description and Setting:
The race itself is the setting. The adrenaline rush of the race as the rider strives to come in first. This is a nice poem written in tribute for two brothers. Well done.
Greetings Wildleaf ~~ First Impression:
My first impression was that this was going to be a long piece of humorous fiction. In reality, I can very well envision this as being a fly on the wall, witnessing this event. Having worked in retail and Human Resources for a few years, I have seen many men and women like Charles come and go.
~~ What this made me think of:
This made me think of todays job market and the many people out there currently searching for jobs. It was on the news recently as well as in the papers that high school kids would have a hard time finding jobs this summer due to many adults being out of jobs and applying for jobs that are usually held by students during the summer season.
~~Dialog:
The dialog between Charles and Anna was very well written. I found it easy to follow and visualize. As the fly on the wall, I was both laughing with Anna, and frustrated as Charles, as I took on each roll as the banter went back and forth between the two. I felt the frustration as Anna was doing her best to find Charles something suited to his current tastes, yet unable to do so because Charles seemed to be uncooperative. Yet Charles was very forth coming and honest with what he wanted and was looking for, it just wasn't plausible.
~~What I liked best:
I liked how Anna kept her cool. She was able to find humor in the situation, despite her frustration at trying to help Charles. To her he may have seemed uncooperative, yet he was very upfront with what he wanted and was willing to do.
~~Description and Setting:
The setting of Anna's office was a great character builder for Anna. The neat and organized desk gives the perception that she is a person who likes order. She has catagories which everything can be labeled into. Just which catagory to put Charles in, may be a little more difficult to decide.
~~Editing:
I noticed no grammar, punctuation or spelling errors to comment upon. I found this well written without need of input from me. This was a very enjoyable piece to read. I would love to see more like this.
Greetings 🌕 HuntersMoon ~~ A brief Summary:
Life isn't the same when one of your loved one's has gone away for a period of time. You miss them, you wish they would return. Michelle can't sleep she misses her father and is saddened by his being away. Michelle's mother comes in to her room and the two make a wish. Will wishing on a star make things right? Do wishes really come true or is it all superstition?
~~ What this made me think of:
To me this was a wonderful children's tale. Wishing is a powerful emotion. Can wishes come true? You have to read the story to see if it did for Michelle. I myself will always be optimistic with a touch of superstition. I wish upon falling stars almost each time I see one. When was the last time you made a wish?
~~Any editing comments:
~When describing the arbhor which the pictures will be taken under, "flowers and garland and colored bamboo...." cut out the first and then insert a comma there.
~~What I liked best:
This was a wonderful short story. Not too much information was given as to why her father was gone, this made it simple. The tears kept the emotion genuine. Overall I liked the whole thing, and can't place any emphasis on one particular part.
Greetings Harry ~~ A brief Summary:
A scorching of the senses, so early in the season, prompts this prose to heat up the page as the reader travles down the flaming lines. April, suppose to be the height of spring, has transformed this Dallas based adventure to the store into a trip through a lighted furnace.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me this sweating prose was more than an adventure. It speaks of seasons changing and taking on the aspects of other seasons before their time. Global warming is brought to light both in thought and in written word with this piece. What other effects of global warming are being felt?
Greetings Sophy wishes WDC Happy 24! ~~ A brief Summary:
A first hand account from a true friend declaring their love and support in the most sincere way they know how. This sweet little prose touched the heart and triggered memories I have tried to suppress due to the sensitivity of the recent loss of my friend.
Though this is short, sweet, and can stand on its own, I feel it could be changed and altered in so many different ways and still hold the same message. HOWEVER, sometimes in life, the simplest of ways are the only true way to get the message across. I feel you have captured that with this piece.
~~ What this made me think of:
Written for a contest, this short little ditty reminds me of a dear special friend. I raised him from a pup and he was beside me as my shadow all the way. It didn't even matter in the end that he was terribly week and sick, when I was crying, he had to come comfort me. Thank you for the memory trigger.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me, this chapter represents a dream premonition. The dream representing danger and what may lie behind the doorway. I feel some work is still left to be done here. There are gaps and information missing. Perhaps some of these will be filled in if I go back and read some previous chapters. I will have to do so soon.
~~Any editing comments:
~Towards~ Used often throughout the piece, I thought it might bear mention that action words do not need the "s" added to them to denote the action, since they are already words of movement. We do this in speech, slang, and often transfer this into our writing. Many authors make this mistake with some of the following words: backward, forward, upward, downward, and toward. There are more. If the rest of the short story had more slang terms in use then I would say to leave it as it stands, however, I feel this needs corrected in this instance.
~~Comments or Items to Ponder:
~ how did the voice of the story know that three days had passed. No evidence was given, once awakened, to show the passage of time.
~Upon awakening, how did the voice of the story know that this was the third time the doorbell had rung?
~The bit about the answering machine leads me to believe that a little more work is needed on this chapter or part. It, the answering machine, adds to the story only in so much to place a passage of time, none specific given, that the phone rang and nobody answered. Perhaps if upon awakening by the sound of the doorbell, she glances over at the clock which displays the time and date. That would tell us that three days had passed. How else would she know?
~ Why is it important that the cousin call? Is this related to the reader in a previous chapter?
~ Other than opening the door, could she call out, asking who is there? Or is she too afraid.
Please remember, these are merely my thoughts and ideas upon reading this as an individual writing, not as the whole complete novel. I am by no means an expert, only an avid reader giving the points of ponder I see which might be of note to the author. The rating I give is an average, due to I feel more work on this chapter is needed. I would gladly return to change this upon further editing.
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing and artistic skills!
** Image ID #1535408 Unavailable ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Greetings Ben Langhinrichs
I stumbled upon this masterpiece when I entered into "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor to see just what beauty lay waiting for votes in the poll. I intended to peruse through each work, then to vote and move on. There were a few pieces I found that touched me on a deeper level, demanding that I stop and re-read, then to read again and leave a review of merit. So far there has been one other that I found was free of items or areas that I needed to leave comment on.
I called this a masterpiece. To me, this fully meets the criteria of required limitations on the contest entry. Not only that, but this also goes further on to explain to the reviewer the format used as well as the background on the new format this poem uses. I found this poem perfectly fit not only the spiritual aspects of the contest requirements, but it flowed true with rhyme and rhythm to the format of poetry known as Nove Otto.
The truth in the poem or rather the realism I found moved me. To be peaceful and content in spirit as we move through life, only to have something test, or make us question our faith, this is an every day occurance for man.
The metaphor of life to the spirit of faith was what touched me in this piece.
This is very well written. I could find nothing to add to for commenting or editing. Good luck in the poll.
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing and artistic skills!
** Image ID #1535408 Unavailable ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Greetings spidey ~~ A brief Summary:
Conflicting opposites are attracted creating a cataclysmic event, becoming one.
~~ Additional comments:
This can be viewed by some as a marriage. Two individuals joining in matrimony as separate units, coming together as one family unit. The individual characteristics and traits each posses aren't the same, and the joining puts the yin and yang spin to it.
~~Any editing comments:
The only thing I could comment on editing wise would be the use of a conjunction to start a sentence or verse. Although lately this seems to be the norm in many cases. Looking it up all I found, was that we shouldn't use conjunctions to start sentences because our teachers said we shouldn't, it isn't using proper language to do so. Many authors do this on a regular basis now. So if I were to change it, the first word in the last verse, I would alter to Though.
~~What I liked best:
1- I found this while participating in "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor and simply had to stop and comment or review.
2- I liked how the link to the contest was placed at the bottom with the guidelines for which the author was to write this piece from prompt. It helps the reviewer to understand the writing more.
A wonderful forum set up so that those who wish to grant packages of fun to friends throughout the community, they no longer have to win it in an auction, or wait for the auction to end. Now you can purchase just this sort of review package, with goodies included, to gift to a friend. This group has many great packages to provide and the members complete these packages quickly. Drop by and check out the packages for yourself, select one for a friend, then sit back and watch the smiles spread.
Greetings Writer_Mike ~~ A brief Summary:
Another contest entry with a word limit. A daily flash fiction meant to be short, yet weave a tale to catch an audience and reel them in. These short flash fiction pieces are meant to inspire. Each masterpiece that comes from this contest is then able to be expanded upon for further writing, as is the case with this piece. From this brief two hundred and ninety eight words, I would gladly go searching for the rest of the tale. How did our youth get into this predicament? Will he be forever trapped here behind these walls, or will he find a means of escape?
I found nothing to comment upon as far as spelling, grammar or punctuation. This author tends to do a very good proof-reading before submitting these pieces. Great job!
Greetings Writer_Mike ~~ A brief Summary:
Trust, lost, then found. Not an easy task to accomplish in just three hundred words or less. This short piece is about a relationship between father and daughter. How one act of doubt can cause so much pain.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me this is a life's lesson. Trust is not easy to build, yet sometimes it is very easy to crumble. When someone has earned your trust, take them at their word. Unless you have reason to doubt them, or you have been given just cause, doubting them can kill their trust. Once trust is gone, there is no guarentee it will ever return.
~~Any editing comments:
I noticed no punctuation, spelling or grammar errors to comment on. This is very well written and deserves each of the five stars it receives.
Greetings Writer_Mike ~~ A brief Summary:
An interesting article that would make great consideration for "The Onion". Explaining the presence of the fax machine on the sidewalk became an interesting piece of comedy.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me, this is something you would read at one of those roadside diners in "The Onion", or other similar publishings. This is a great article.
~~Any editing comments:
I found no grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors to comment on, this is very well written.
Greetings Writer_Mike ~~ A brief Summary:
A Writer's Cramp contest entry with an meatless plot. Consisting of 461 words, this short tale gives us insight into the characteristics of Ted and his character's morality. He shows to be dedicated and true, with a touch of enthusiasm for trying new things as well as a daring spirit.
~~ What this made me think of:
Two co-workers of mine, every year, through the month of January, they go meatless for the whole month. Then for the super-bowl party they are able to have meat. They look forward to it every year, and because of them I tried a meatless pizza. Artichoke pizza, it was pretty good. Though I still prefer my all meat pizza with extra cheese.
~~Any editing comments:
I noticed no punctuation, spelling, or grammar mistakes to comment on. This was very well written.
~~Suggestions:
Being a contest entry, a little blurb at the end to let us readers and reviewers know what the requirements of the writing are, would help us to better understand the limitations and requirements, thus rating it in conjunction with them.
I thought this was well written, and needed no input from myself. Thank you for sharing. I hope you do well with this piece in the contest.
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
Greetings LoseYourself ~~ A brief Summary:
A prose written on the lessons or cycle of lessons in life, as viewed through the eyes of the author.
~~Any editing comments:
~typo in the first line, should read aare taught...
~second verse, at the end of the line, should the word and be added right before the word things?
~~Added Comments:
I am not sure I agree with the part where our teachers become our peers. Our teachers become our mentors, and our peers are with us in the classroom, learning with us and testing us at the same time. That is more how I see it.
After reading this through, I now have a clearer view of the prose which was giving me a bit of difficulty. This is a persona piece on relationship and choices in life, which sums up the other four pieces in this anthology. I have read some of them over so many times it feels like there are actually 6 or seven prose put together. If I had to pick one, I would say that this one tells the whole story. All of the other pieces are just acts in a play. This is the completed broadway production. This is well written and clears up any questions I may have had. Thank you for sharing.
A piece on reflection. Looking back at a relationship one shared with their mother. Possibly a therapeutic piece. I see the regret at saying something in a letter yet having no response, or possible means to make amends for what is said. At the same time I can see the mind wander back in time to the childhood, wondering why it was the way it was and how come things were not different. A simple free-style piece that holds depths of emotion.
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