Once again I am here visiting your poetry. I have found another free-style piece that has me reading and re-reading for meaning. To begin with, this poem has unique shape. To me this represents the emotion of the piece. In the beginning there is a bit of wavering strength followed by the ups and down of emotion as one reflects back on the memory of a loved one recently lost. (Maybe I am seeing this due to my own circumstances of having just lost two releatives in a matter of a week).
My understanding of this poem is of one who has become disconnected from family and friends, only to be mourned in the end when it is too late for us to share our true feelings. We often feel that now is not the right time to make that visit, there is always tomorrow. Yet, you never know what tomorrow will hold.
I guess the more I read this, the more confused I am. Probably due t omy ability to try to make things more complicated than they are. I am searching for that deeper meaning, that hidden truth. My confusion starts with the dogs and cats starving in relation to nobody searching for "you" in days. It is obvious to me there is a death, however as to when the death occured is lost on me. I would gladly love to discuss this more in depth with you. I find this intriguing and would like to see the author's perspective.
Though this piece troubles me and after four readings, I still haven't quite grasped the depth of it, I feel it is still a five star writing. Ths poetic piece may have special metaphoric meaning that I am unable to see. From what I can tell, this is a piece on a childhood memory with a flashback of a darker point in time.
I can view this as an insight into the mind of an autistic child. She has begun to color, only to have a flashback of her childhood. Unable to express her anxiety and fears, she reverts to rocking back and forth. The light comes on for her as her imaginary friend appears bringing her comfort so that she is able to return to the task of coloring.
Poetry can be interpretted many ways. I hope you are not offended by my interpretation.
Greetings turtlegreen ~~ A brief Summary:
Fifty two candles is a poem of love and relationship. This takes a look at a special moment in time, and without ruining the climactic ending, I will say that the relationship is the key to the poem.
~~Any editing comments:
Although this is poetry and not really sentences of a paragraph, I noticed that the use of the word And at the beginning of a verse felt wrong to me.
~~What I liked best:
The depth of the love felt is realized through the process and telling of this event.
~~Suggestions:
~In addition to the word being used to start a couple of verses, I felt that it was over-used in the poem. Instead, a colon or comma would have been of better use.
Greetings SHERRI GIBSON ~~ A brief Summary:
A huge auction designed to do some fundraising for some amazing groups. This amazing event has some fantastic prizes donated from all over the community. Over 50 packages to choose from when looking for something to bid upon.
~~Any editing comments:
There are so many prizes, I felt it might have been clearer if the Package# were in another color to better offset the start of a new package. Some of the packages are so large, it is difficult to tell when one ends and the other begins when skimming the page as many will tend to do. Changing the color of just the "Package#" will help offset this and grab attention to help the reader to slow down.
~~What I liked best:
The huge response of the community when it came to donations and participation. It is great to see everyone come together.
Greetings SHERRI GIBSON ~~ A brief Summary:
A group activity set up to help encourage in-depth reading and reviewing of all case colors. This fantastic forum takes a weekly selection of a member's work, choosing a member from each case color, and sponsors it on this page, encouraging members of this group to read and review. This gives grand exposure to each of the members selected. In addition, a select number of challengers are encouraged to review additionally for a contest.
~~ What this made me think of:
This is not only an act of kindness given back to the community, this is a group encouraging community activity. The emphasis placed on recognizing all case colors with great reviews is an integral part of this site. The encouragement of in-depth reviewing has members returning each week to continue with the reviews and to see who is selected next. It guides members to reviewing.
Greetings Shannon ~~ A brief Summary:
Remnants of another's life all wrapped into a small box and transferred to her daughter. What do the contents represent? Who was the person whose items now reside in a small space? What do these items trigger of memories when they are viewed.
~~ What this made me think of:
After reading this a few times, I began asking myself, what would I be remembered for, and what would others think when they opened my treasure box?
~~Any editing comments:
I noticed no grammar, spelling or punctuation mistakes to comment on.
~~What I liked best:
I liked how the beginning is also the ending. It really hit home and made me stop to ponder.
A review on behalf of the package you have won at"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
~~ A brief Summary:
Hitting the road, heading back home, tired of the abuse and neglect, the voice of this poem has reached her limits. She set her line in the sand and once it was crossed, action was taken.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me this is a ballad of love lost, hearts betrayed, and finding one's self once more. The trials and tribulations that the voice in the poem has suffered at the hands of another seem to be many. To me there were too many wholes in the picture. Too many gaps left open. The tale seems rushed to fit the prompt and the format. It is as if the story is cut short to meet the rhyme demand. I feel this story could be better told with about three to five more verses. Though that is just my personal opinion.
~~Any editing comments:
I noticed no punctuation, or spelling errors. The grammar noticed was only one of slang term. Though that seems to fit with this storyline.
Greetings Ritz ~~ A brief Summary:
Love is lost and remembered with sadness and longing, as the survivor of tragedy mourns the death of one loved with such emotion and strength that the love remains with the memory overpowering the present.
~~ What this made me think of:
This is a sad tale. A ballad of sorts without a rhythmical verse. It flows in free-style form down the page. It could pass as a song, with the right singer and music.
The imgagery is good. The details precise. The visual created brings sadness to the eyes of the reader as they are teleported back to that moment in time, witnessing the tragic event as it unfolds.
~~Any editing comments:
As for content, the only editting to be mentioned is in the suggestions. For grammar, punctuation and spelling, I noticed no errors to comment on.
~~Suggestions:
Throughout the first verse it is repeated twice I realize, You don't belong to me anymore. This sets a tone for the poem. Yet later throughout the verses, the word realize is used several other times outside of this main plot. This becomes a distraction as well as holding the reader back from grasping the complete depth of the poem. The realization is the impact, it IS the theme, yet using it more often, it deadens the strength of the poem. I would suggest going back through at least verse three where the word is over-used three other times, and trying another form of the word. A synonym perhaps.
Greetings SaintLee ~~ A brief Summary:
A humor filled piece with sarcasm and wit smothered throughout. If you are the type who laughs hysterically and rolls on the floor in tears, you may want to have this read to you so you don't knock the monitor off the desk. A news brief of an event in a time and place meaningful to nobody yet grabbing the attention of all readers.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me this is a piece of irony. Twists and turns of literary meanings, sarcasm and wit are added to grab the reader and have fun.
~~Any editing comments:
I noticed no grammar, punctuation or spelling errors to comment on.
~~Suggestions:
When displaying a contest entry, it is often times helpful to the reader to have a link or brief description as to the parameters of the contest for which the article is written. Obviously with the word count and subtitle we know this is for a contest, but what kind? Was this a word prompt or a picture prompt? What were the guidelines? Having the answers to these questions enables the reviewer or reader to better understand the writing.
Brief Summary:
This is a short story which was written for and won first place in a contest. Given a topic prompt and a word count limit, this author took a suggestion and turned it into a winning masterpiece.
Facing many new challenges with a new home, Danni is excited that she is going to have a new room. She has it all picked out and is eager to get unpacked. Just as she is about to begin her journey with this new bedroom, David, her little brother jumps in and beats her to laying claim to the room. What will Danni do now? She is stuck with the smaller room without much of a view.
Suggestions:
What can I really suggest other than to include this with other short stories for submission into publication.
What I liked about this piece:
Several things struck me with this piece. One, I appreciated the fact that the author included the prompt for the contest. Knowing that this was for a contest and what the requirements were to be allows the reader to better get a grasp for what was written.
Secondly, I liked how the realistic view of sibling rivalry was depicted. The antagonistic little brother. The teasing, and gloating after winning the prize room ring true.
Areas that I had trouble with:
NONE, this is very well written. It is easy to follow and understand, even if the prompt above was not included. Why I rated this so:
I felt this was a very well written piece. I noticed no grammar, spelling or punctuation errors. It was easy to follow the transition of the family from one home to another, including the parents sense of euphoria in reference to the move.
Image #1529595 over display limit. -?- ~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Greetings Skurpio ~~ A brief Summary:
Bill is still missing and Shannon is now in a panic as to where he might be. Her sleepless nights are beginning to catch up to her, yet she can't give up now. Something is definitely wrong. It's time for her to go looking for Bill on her own.
Shannon is a strong willed girl who looks after her own. Like any good mother, first she protects the child. She does this by holding things together until Rina is safely out of the house. Away at day camp Rina will be unaware of the turmoil surrounding the home.
In the meantime, James begins to eliminate obstacles standing in the way of his dream. Is Bill still alive?
~~Suggestions:
The fifth paragraph begins with the stranger in reference to James. However James is no stranger and it doesn't fit with the storyline to call him so at this juncture.
Greetings Skurpio ~~ A brief Summary:
The story continues as Bill remains missing. We now know that James has Bill contained in an unknown location, and plans to take over in life for Bill where it concerns Shannon and Rina. James want Shannon back and will stop at nothing to accomplish that. He has kept Bill alive this long, why we don't know.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me this is a love triangle. Jilted lover, husband and wife, all caught up in a whirlwind of circumstance and choice. Who will make what move and what will the outcome be is what remains to be discovered.
~~Any editing comments:
No noticed editing comments to make. This is well written with good grammar usage and no spelling errors detected.
~~What I liked best:
Though we now know that a triangle of love is at hand. We don't know why the deranged James is holding Bill captive. We believe that he will soon kill Bill, but don't know why he has kept him alive this long, unless it is to prolong the pain and suffering of Bill.
Greetings Skurpio ~~ A brief Summary:
Bill is missing. Not only is he missing, but he is in some serious pain. Nobody knows the condition or where abouts of Bill yet, and that is the beginning of this story. Where is Bill?
~~Any editing comments:
There were no noticed grammar or punctuation errors to comment on. This was very well written with style and grace.
~~What I liked best:
The opening paragraph was full of descriptives. It left little doubt as to the physical situation the character was in. A picturesque tapestry was woven with the choice pattern the author wove. It was alluring and enough to pull any reader of action into the web of the book.
Greetings A.K. Thorn ~~ A brief Summary:
Comparing a woman to a rose and the intricacies of what women and men both like would be the theme of this piece. One may begin reading and expect dull statistics and facts, but they would be wrong. This author has taken the beauty of a woman and painted the most amazing canvas you can imagine. The tapestry this author weaves with his magnificent color of threaded words is enough to bring me back to his port to see what other masterpieces I can find.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me, this was as if I was seeing a painter paint his greatest masterpiece. A writer creating his first successful novel. Though this was about why we women like roses or flowers, to a degree, this was also about so much more. The male thought process on a certain subject, women, and comparing the women's thoughts on flowers to men's thoughts on women.
~~Any editing comments:
Though I don't know the technical terms or if it is exactly true, I have heard and seen commented on, the use of And in starting out a sentence. The word is an afterthought, and is usually more fitted being added on to the previous sentence with a comma. That, or try eliminating the word altogether.
Greetings SWPoet ~~ A brief Summary:
Catching an emotion, felt in a moment of time, can it be concealed in a box and shared with the masses, or is the conception of the emotion purely for the individual, thus not fully comprehensible to others?
~~ What this made me think of:
Coming from the link of your Rising Star Sponsor, I somehow visualized something, well, less than what I found. Funny how pre-convieved perceptions can bite you.
At first, I wasn't sure if this was to be a free-style piece if another style of format was being used. It appears to be free-style yet holds a few sing song rhyming couplets which gives this an airy tune.
I visualize a late evening sky with the sun's rays reflecting off the few clouds, spreading pinks, purple and blue across a mountain background with a forefront of a city skyline. The voice is centered on the sky and the colors, yet confused on how to eliminate the waste of the city from blocking the view. Also with the conundrum is the fact the epiphany belongs to the individual, so will the lens be able to capture the moment of emotion, or is it going to turn out as just another skyline visual?
~~Any editing comments:
I could see no punctuation or spelling errors to comment on. This is very well written.
Greetings Purple Wishing WDC Happy 24th ~~ A brief Summary:
This is a wonderfully mastered alternate rhyming couplet poem. The story told is of love and infidelity, lust and greed.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me this is a lover gone astray. Someone who didn't value the worth of what she had. If so, she wouldn't have looked in another direction. Without thought she strayed another direction, in the end, losing both prizes with the one decision.
Is this Fate, or Destiny? Fate to me is destined to happen without chance of altering the course. With fate, there is no free will. She had free will, so where is the fate in the situation? Quite a debate we can strike up with this conversation.
~~Any editing comments:
I noticed no spelling or punctuation to comment on. This is well written.
Greetings Revelry new writings soon ~~ A brief Summary:
Often dreams are written down in a book beside the bed once a person awakes. This is done for many reasons and is irrelevant to the writing. These writings can then move on to become short stories, or basis for a novel. This tale appears to me as a piece on fear. There is religious background and metaphors here to make the reader stop to take pause, reflect back on what is being said.
~~Any editing comments:
~other souls? Paragraph three starts out commenting on the other souls, yet at no previous time are these other souls mentioned. This throws the reading off a bit, I had to go back to see if I had missed something. Realizing this is a dream written down fresh from waking, a few times of re-reading and possibly editing for content and added bits of memory would improve upon this piece as a short story.
~towards this being an action word already, no s is needed at the end of toward. Doing so makes it a slang word. This is a common mistake made with action words. In most speech the slang form is used, thus it follows and flows into a lot of writing. ie. backward, forward, and toward.
~~What I liked best:
The message I get from this is to do more than state your beliefs, you must live them, breath them, act them. Be a part of your belief. Live your belief. Stating your belief, doesn't mean that is what you truly, when it comes down to the nitty gritty, believe.
I believe this is in reference to faith.
~~Suggestions:
Go back a few times and re-read this. Is there any new memory of the dream that pops up? If so, add it to the piece, you may have a good short story here.
Greetings SHERRI GIBSON ~~ A brief Summary:
A contest forum for poetry and short stories. Created to influence creative writing, prompts are given in the forum each and every Sunday. Each piece entered is given a thorough review and then judged for the contest.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me this is a wonderful group that encourages writing. Through creative prompts and generous awards, this contest repeatedly creates a place for entrants to try new ideas through suggestion.
~~Any editing comments:
I could find nothing to add to as far as commenting on the spelling, punctuation or grammatical errors, for I found none.
~~What I liked best:
This is very well formatted. The body of the text is clear and concise. It has great color and boldness which allows for easy viewing and clear understanding of the rules required for entry.
~~Suggestions:
The only suggestions I have are for readers to enter, and those who can to make a monetary donation to help fund this great event.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1404398 by Not Available.
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing and artistic skills!
Greetings fyn ~~ A brief Summary:
Poetic free-style verse depicting the touch of Winter. The tapestry of feelings this poem creates, a visual masterpiece to those who no longer can experience these things for themselves, takes the reader back to another time and place.
~~ What this made me think of:
This brought me back from the coast to the mid-west. It takes me from a warmer climate to the hard crisp winters of Montana. The breath of winter as it caresses the lungs in the early morning, the prismatic colors as the sunrise gleams and glistens off of the morning winter frost. To me, all memories of the touch of winter.
~~Any editing comments:
I noticed nothing to edit or comment on. The poem is very well written and to my eye, contains no spelling, punctuation, or grammatical errors.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1404398 by Not Available.
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing and artistic skills!
This is review #one of three won by you in an auction. Hello Cubby
Brief Summary:
An alternate rhyming scheme poem on Alzheimer's. Creatively written this piece truly shows the love and loss that the terrible disease inflicts and brings out. With true colors this poem dictates the stages of alzheimer's for both the patient and the family and friends. A very well written piece.
Editing Comments:
No spelling, punctuation or grammatical comments to leave, other than the few suggestions below for the flow of the piece.
Suggestions:
~verse five, perhaps inserting the word did after longerwould add a little something to the verse.
~verse seven another addition you did or ever before the word before
What I liked about this piece:
As I read through this piece each time, I could see my grandmother as she struggled with this disease. The confusion and torment she endured was almost unbearable. For someone with such a strong memory to suddenly forget who and where she was is a terrible ordeal to see, let alone live. To forget the everyday things many take for granted such as going to the bathroom or how to breath, just a few of the casualties this terrible disease afflicts on the individual. This piece lets me relive and remember the ordeal. It is realistic and true with each line and each verse. Very well done my friend, Thank You! Thank you for sharing your creative writing. I encourage you to do more.
Brief Summary:
An alternate rhyming scheme poem designed to show the importance of her mother. Beautifully written with love depicting the importance of Mother to the family.
Editing Comments:
In the last line of the first verse there is a type error with the word everyone. Other than that I noticed no other punctuation, spelling or grammatical errors.
Suggestions:
In sticking with the alternate rhyming scheme, a few of the verses need some work in order for the rhymes to work.
~In the first verse, soul and all are do not work for this rhyming scheme. They are a forced match which could be improved upon.
~In the third verse with and need aren't a good rhyming pair. It is very forced and leaves something lacking in the verse.
~In the last verse mother and father used in the rhyming scheme, almost seem to work, since you often see the two linked together, although they do not rhyme.
Thank you for sharing your creative writing. I encourage you to do more.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1404398 by Not Available.
Brief Summary:
A poetic creation speaking of the depth of love and the eternal lasting it will have for the one and true love of the voice from this item.
Written with rhyming couplets and colorful design, this tapestry of love gives great visual to the reader. It is unclear at this time what significance the multiple colors represent, one can only guess. Yellow for the wind, dictating that it can be seen and felt. Blue for the river flow which is fresh and clear. Orange for the warmth of the sun and green for the growth of the earth.So to summarize, the love is evident and can be visualized. It is clear and flows freely, burning hot and giving warmth and comfort. It also grows with the passage of time.
Editing Comments:
Punctuation, spelling and grammatical aspects all seem to appear in line, however the rhyming scheme has a bit of a force in one area. unstoppableand possible are a bit of a stretch or force for a rhyme.
Suggestions:
In the second verse, the last line seems to be a little short. The flow of the verse appears to be cut when reading. I would suggest going back and seeing if this is true for you as well. If so perhaps a little addition to the last line would strengthen the piece.
Thank you for sharing your creative writing. I encourage you to do more.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1404398 by Not Available.
This is review #2 of 3 won by you in an auction. Hello SHERRI GIBSON
Brief Summary:
Emotions run high as the voice relates to another the depth of their feelings. Neglect and abuse has lead the voice of this poem to step up and confront the abuser.
Editing Comments:
I could find nothing to comment on as far as editing. The spelling was correct. Grammatical errors eluded me, and punctuation seemed to be right on the mark. Great job.
Suggestions:
Publish this. Only suggestion I have. Great piece.
What I liked about this piece:
I like how this piece speaks out. I image a person silently putting up with neglect and abuse finally reaching their limit and finding their voice.
Thank you for sharing your creative writing. I encourage you to do more.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1404398 by Not Available.
This is review #1of 3 won by you in an auction. Hello SHERRI GIBSON
Brief Summary:
The elusive perception of love and how one person fights to keep searching in order to fulfill the dream of LOVE. Finding the lack of love at first try and learning of new emotion and feelings, isn't enough for this voice. She feels that if she simply quits looking for love, then she is giving up on life itself. Love, her dream and her fantasy, is like breathing fresh air. Sometimes we have to endure the hardships before we are introduced to a path of bliss. This enables us to better appreciate what we have.
Editing Comments:
There were a few lines that to me threw off the rhyming scheme, due to this I saw this as written differently. I therefore, below in the suggestions, mention how this reads for me. Another alternative to the suggestion would be to edit a few of the lines so that all lines were on the alternate rhyming scheme.
Suggestions: Though this is a wonderful poem, I felt due to the few places where the rhyming scheme was a bit off, and simply because the way I was reading it, I envisioned this piece written in an alternating rhyming couplet format broken up with a non-rhyming verse, as follows is how I see this piece:
Nowhere to run to,
no place to hide
I fought for it long and hard,
but my dream was denied
Perseverance and determination
obviously wasn’t good enough
To capture all I yearned for
when the going got tough
All I’ve ever longed for
was honesty and real love
But those dreams were denied,
replaced by deceit and distrust
A dream denied was what was captured,
broken down is me
Still I carry onward,
striving for that illustrious dream
Is it only just a fantasy
that keeps me prodding on,
Or is that dream unrealistic,
buried and all gone?
I refuse to believe that,
for if I did I’d simply quit
I feel that if I follow my heart
I can capture it
What I liked about this piece:
I liked how the voice refuses to give up. Perseverance and determination keep her moving on. Dreams give us hope, hope leads to determination, determination keeps us moving on. Moving forward, she continues her search, I applaud her this.
Thank you for sharing your creative writing. I encourage you to do more.
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~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
