Brief Summary:
The evil disease lurking in the air, and in the ground sneaks up on the unsuspecting and invades their bodies. This sometimes terminal evil is written about in this wonderful poem. Wonderful in the sense that it takes a serious subject and illness, and turns it into a beautiful poem of strength and survival and hope.
Suggestions:
Get this published. That is the only advice I have. This really moved me. What I liked about this piece:
This poem struck me personally. My step-father died of cancer. 5 totally separate, unrelated cancers to be exact, and that was 5 years after winning the fight against colon cancer. It is a common belief among some family members that the cancer resides in the ground. With all of the construction being built, and the dirt and dust being unearthed and released into the air, the disease is also being released, thus causing many to fall to this evil.
Areas that I had trouble with:
NONE, this was written with clarity. It gives hope to those suffering, that others have conquered this evil.
Why I rated this so:
This was a poem that touched me both through the words and the message.
This is a wonderful song you have created here, with music included. I can't listen to the tune for a couple of reasons, but am sure they do the lyrics a great compliment in the accompaniment. In the garden where all must get along, the harmony of the garden should be able to quell even the mightiest of foes.
Here I see the echoes of mother nature as one piece of the planet gives birth or reason to another. A symbiatic relationship. The syllable count is on and makes for a nice read. Perhpas consider combining several of these together for a longer piece.
Oh Fred and KC sound like a match made in Heaven. My KC will play fetch with those small rubber balls. She will bring it to you and drop it at your feet. Then repeat this process until she gets thirsty or bored. It has been great fun learning about Fred . Thank you for sharing.
Wow, two baby possums and Fred hasn't a problem with them, to me that is something alright. I can just picture the three of them playing when you aren't around. Fred doesn't like cheetos??? Just the smell of cheese drives my KC crazy.
Thanks for sharing another year of adventures.
Oh you have me rolling over this last little bit. It reminds me of my KC. She does something quite similar, only she does it when trying to crawl into your lap. I have had a fun time reading about Fred and some of his unusual antics. Thank you for sharing.
Fred the mischievious devil, sounds like an added asset to the house. What house would be complete without one. At least he doesn't seem to be fussy. We have one that insists her food should be fresh out of the bag each morning and we should empty her water dish and pour her a fresh drink. If not, even at 3am she begins to howl. All the other time in the day she hides out and sleeps. Now the other one, is a lot more like Fred!
Brief Summary:
This was a wonderful story. For reasons unstated. Sibyl has a falling out with the man she is seeing. Years later she is tracked down and declared his heir. This is the story of decisions to be made and how they are made.
Suggestions: Unless I missed it, Paris and Sybil, go from talking on the front step to arriving in a car without a transition to the car. It is mentioned that Sybil should go with Paris, but the getting in the car and doing so isn't mentioned.
“I don’t know why heleft it to me,” Sibyl said. (one sentence mid way through missing the bold word.
Brief Summary:
cloning, is it the answer, or merely a modern day temporary fix to the supposed problem of the moment. Computers created to free up are time has allowed us to add more technology to consume our time. When Moire decides to take matters into her own hands, Rachel must suffer the concequences of her own actions. Cloning, the solution or the problem???
I really liked the path this story took. The unexpected outcome was a bit intriguing. Paying back his debt to society, Patrick is locked away, and Rachel is forever stuck in Cyberia.
Brief Summary:
An interesting activity listed here for all participants to get to know other members. Fun filled facts that lead to exploration in order to find the truth. "Invalid Item" is an in and out designed for guessing and leaving information about yourself as well. This keeps the game going for the next player. Suggestions:
Perhaps a banner to add to the visual appeal could decorate the halls of this great piece. other than that I see nothing that could use my input. Other than to possibly begin guessing on the other entrants.
What I liked about this piece:
The fun filled atmosphere that welcomes each player.
Brief Summary:
As Audrey begins to understand and learn who she is, questions arise as to her existence and purpose. She is separated from her siblings and is paired up with another. Is this to be her mate? If so, what is to become of her race?
Azure, Laas, and Audrey continue their education and search for answers.
I could find nothing to suggest to this story. In fact I am so caught up in it, time had no power over me. I do hope you come back to this story and finish it one day. I really was enjoying this tale.
Brief Summary:
This is a wonderful adventure of discovery and adventure. Learning about youself and the world around you a vital key to surviving. Once could almost use this story as a metaphor for life. However there are several key elements inside that give this a sciece fiction base.
Suggestions:
I'm not sure if I see some foreshadowing coming pertaining to the lxi. I can not tell if the lxi are in this for their own gain or if they are really trying to help the siblings in any way they can. Good suspense builder.
Brief Summary:
Introcuction number two on this book has me debating myself. I liked how the first intro dove right into the story. However this version gives more of a background on the Doctor, and what he is doing as well as why.
Suggestions:
I would suggest going with this version, and then perhaps using parts of what is in the first version later in your chapters.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the background it gives on the Doctor. We learn a bit about his character and what motivates him in this intro.
Brief Summary:
Creating another world for the reader to venture into, this author has introduced several strange and new characters in the fascinating world. Creating conflict and perhaps war in this drama filled piece. This book shows great potential, and all of this is derived solely from the introduction.
Suggestions: onceone and for all
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the multi-faceted races included in this creation. Very imaginative. If this is the least liked of the introductions, I can't wait to move on to the other.
Brief Summary:
An interesting "possible" entry to the contest, if you weren't one of the judges. I feel you did a great service to yourself and others in taking the contest challenge yourself to view and experience the difficulty and problems that may arise from such a challenge.
Suggestions:
NONE What I liked about this piece:
I liked the fact you added the link to the contest. Areas that I had trouble with:
NONE
Brief Summary:
This wonderful free-style poem brought to mind several thoughts, scenarios and ideas.
At first I picture disease lying in the dust, disturbed by the construction and expansion of man. Cancerous microbes eating at the very heart and soul of man.
Then, I picture the balance of good and evil. What is the balance? What is the counterweight that tips the scale one direction or another?
What I liked about this piece:
I found this to be a very thought provoking piece.
D.L. Robinson Brief Summary:
This appears to be a limerick of a poem written for a contest. Creatively done with great rhyming and style.
Suggestions:
The last verse has trouble, that other than the syllable count, I feel some re-wording would help. MY SUGGESTION:
We're glad it was us you found
We want you to stick around
What I liked about this piece:
The educational aspect of this was great. Lessons taught in verse as well as lessons for this site. Creative combination.
Areas that I had trouble with:
Last verse, middle rhyme.
Brief Summary:
This seems to me a poem that gives off a warning to lovers. I will break it down as I interpret it:
~~ A warning to lovers to mind the time spent together ~~The leaves give off another warning...... "beware" ~~ The final warning is TIME TRIES TO STEAL LIVES
So then who is the voice??? Is it nature? Do the leaves represent mother nature? Suggestions:
Haiku's are of naturalistic content. I would personally list this as a Senryu. Though nature is mentioned, the subject seems to be of time and not nature. Just this humble readers opinion. If this is a warning from Mother Nature, this might fit the Haiku theme. It all depends on the voice of this poem though, and I am finding that a bit difficult to distinguish.
Areas that I had trouble with:
Distinguishing the voice of the poem.
Brief Summary:
This is a very beautiful poem of chance, fate, and choice. The intricate weaving of two lives meant to be together. Is it time keeping them apart for now, or some stronger means? Read on to find out.
Suggestions:
Depending on what this is to be used for, I say go with the poem. I holds strength and captures the attention. What I liked about this piece:
I liked this circle the two characters dance. The language of the poem captivated me, holding my attention, awaiting the, as of yet, reunion or perhaps union of the two souls.
Areas that I had trouble with:
None really. I will use this space to say that I found both the top portion and the bottom portion, upon further reflection, speaking of the same thing. However, I felt the poem version was much stronger. Why I rated this so:
I was really moved by the piece.
Brief Summary:
A story of good and evil played out over a tragic Halloween night. The tale, though fiction, is one that has been played out in reality several times now. This tragedy shows us the evil behind a pleasant face. The wolf in sheep's clothing, and the mask of the enemy in disguise as the friend.
Suggestions: 2nd paragraph typo: toward is used twice in this paragraph. The first time correctly, the second time with an s adding movement. Since toward is an action, adding the s is incorrect. This is often done in speaking, and then transfers over to our writing.
( This is again repeated in the paragraph that begins with "My mission accomplished.")
Afterward is another word that many tend to add an "s" to when not necessary. This happens in the paragraph that begins with "I was suddenly left standing in the hall"
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the realistic portrayal of events that reside here. I was able to put myself in the shoes of Travis and see the events unfold as if there myself. Areas that I had trouble with:
None. Why I rated this so:
Although I found a few minor spelling errors, I felt this is a well written piece worthy of a five star rating.
♥♥♥This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" which you have recently signed up for and joined.♥♥♥
♣♣♣Brief Summary:
Dream or reality, the Beginning, chapter one is intriguing and has an allure that will have me back for chapter 2.
♣♣♣Suggestions:
The first and second line contradict each other. First it is stated the character doesn't know what he is doing, then it says he is driving.
Perhaps an easy transition from the first line to the second, without changing them, would be: I do not know what I am doing. Apparently, I am in a car and driving.
By adding the one word, we can see that the character is confused and unsure of the surroundings.
♣♣♣Thoughts provoked:
Two different ideas come to me upon reading this: This is a dream sequence that will have repercussions in the conscious state of mind.
This is an alternate world than the one I the reader is accustom to.
These two intriguing ideas, and the drive to discover if I am write, lead me on to await for chapter two. Great lure.
♣♣♣What I enjoyed:
The mystery there is to be solved and the many answers that could apply.
♣♣♣Areas I had trouble with:
NONE
♣♣♣Why I rated this so:
I felt it was a deserving piece that was well written.
♥♥♥This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" which you have recently signed up for and joined.♥♥♥
♣♣♣Brief Summary:
A look back in appreciation to those who have gone ahead of us, leaving something here in return, a Footprint In Time.
♣♣♣Suggestions:
I have no suggestions for this piece, I thought it was wonderful the way it stood.
♣♣♣Thoughts provoked:
I was moved upon reading this piece. The images this poem conjured up made me stop and think. The average person leaves a print in time. One that can effect or have an affect on another. Not only are we leaving a footprint, but that footprint can be good or bad. This legacy left behind should be one we are proud of.
Also this brought to mind how the average person shows greatness each day. By living and striving to be a good person, a monumental footprint is left behind to others.
♥♥♥This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" which you have recently signed up for and joined.♥♥♥
♣♣♣Brief Summary:
The strength and power the family unit holds is brought forth in this piece. A lesson in metaphor to show the support and love.
♣♣♣Suggestions: Although the added color of this piece was appealing, it was also distracting. It was a distraction only because the color scheme didn't follow the rhyming couplets. Change the color at the end of each rhyme, that would justify the color. Using the color to offset each couplet brings unity.
The last of the rhyming couplets is forced. This could be good if you were trying to end on an unfinished note, however I feel it distracts from this piece.
The line that starts with family, I feel should be changed, adding strength to the metaphor i.e.: You have been a pond
Get rid of the and which starts the next line.
For the last of the line I would change it to fit with the rhyming couplet scheme i.e.: When all was over, it was my confidence,
you helped me to regain.
♣♣♣Thoughts provoked:
I liked the metaphor of the family to the wind, giving a hand and strength to the dove as it soars.
♣♣♣Why I rated this so:
Due to the above mentioned items, I felt with a little more work I would definitely return to re-rate this. It has good structure and rhythm until the end where the author lost me.
Brief Summary:
I have just been taken on my first hunt. We began the journey in the spring, practicing with targets and getting re-acquainted with our equipment. The hunter lead me through this experience through to the end. Did we get our prize, or did the author tease you with the beginning picture? Read on to determine how this hunt turned out.
Suggestions: To begin with, I would change the order of the format. Place the picture at the end so that readers aren't sure whether or not the hunt was successful. The picture at the beginning tells the reader that the trophy is in hand, so why read on.
As I read this poem I came across places where I felt the Capitalization and wording were perhaps too much. For example, I will take a few lines and show an adjustment. Keep in mind you are the author, and this is merely a suggestion:
Hints of spring,
mere whispers,
memories re-surface.
Tree-stand awaits,
cleared of snow.
Buck target, teasing;
standing it stares.
Bow in hand,
I climb.
Arrow after arrow let loose
Piercing at the correct angle.
Three arrows,
in a space dwarfed by a quarter.
Practice season.
Dial it in.
Check equipment.
Repetition,
over, and over again
before ever a footfall in the woods.
(This is how I see the first stanza. In some places a few less words are used to create more of a moment for the reader to visualize the event. However, as you had it, this was still a moving piece that had me thinking I may have just experienced my first hunt.
Do not capitalize the first of each line. Some of the lines continue from one to another, with the capitalization, it gets confusing.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the dramatic spacing and emotion used as the author kept us on our toes. The pounding of the heart felt as we waited together, felt clear to the boots. Very dramatic. This kept the reader in the moment feeling the emotion.
Areas that I had trouble with:
None other than the capitalization mentioned above.
Why I rated this so:
I felt this was a good poem. I would have rated higher, but I felt in some places, there were too many words used that took away from the poem. However, I did really like this piece so a four it is.
Brief Summary:
A mystery filled adventure full of new life experiences and the decisions that help us to grow up. Standing up for one's self and taking command of her life. Jenny must make decisions that will effect life as she knows it. Suggestions: Throughout the story the word "has" is used in place of "as". As a reader this through me off. I wasn't sure if this was due to being written in another country. If that is the case, please disregard the comment. If not, some editing on this should occur.
Much of this chapter reads as a movie script. There are many time jumps and subject changes that would be understood in a movie, however in a book, it leaves gaps. One example would be the jump from throwing an outfit onto the bed, to actually being in a pub. There is no action relayed that explains the transfer of location. The reader must stop and put this together for him/her selves.
When referring to Jenny and Caroline in the same paragraph, the author often speaks of Jenny, then next refers to Caroline as "she". This is misleading to the reader. An example would be paragraph two. When speaking of Caroline, the reader is told that "she" is streetwise. Yet the sentence before we were told of Jenny, so the reader thinks "she" is in reference to Jenny. Some clarification in these instances would make the reading more clear.
The friendship struck up with Pete, also plays out as a movie. Without the information in the chapter we get snid-bits of a picture. More information is needed. It is believable that Jenny is shy and sitting out on the bench with Pete because he followed her out there. From that point on, everything is rushed. The end result is believable, but how the relationship gets from point A to point B needs more convincing. Pete is a patient fellow, so the scene outside on the bench is rushed. More talk between the two before the kiss, more eye contact, and understanding. The build up of chemistry between the two should be revealed.
The jump in the church from the party scene to the sacrifice has a big time gap. What happened to everyone else, where did all the others go?
What I liked about this piece:
While reading this chapter, I came across many items that gave me a pause, however the base of the story kept me interested and reading on. Areas that I had trouble with:
To me this read much more along the lines of a rough draft movie script, due to some of the reasons listed above in the suggestions. Ideas intermixed in with story line. I did however enjoy the premise of what I read. Why I rated this so:
Listed above are the main reasons for this rating. I did however enjoy what I read after getting around some of the obstacles. I feel this has great potential, and I would gladly return to re-rate this after more editing is done. BORED??? CHECK OUT THIS LINK http://www.pamperedchef.biz/jennyskitchencorner
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
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~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Unless I missed it, Paris and Sybil, go from talking on the front step to arriving in a car without a transition to the car. It is mentioned that Sybil should go with Paris, but the getting in the car and doing so isn't mentioned.
“I don’t know why heleft it to me,” Sibyl said. (one sentence mid way through missing the bold word.
Cohen died. 
~ 
Get rid of the and which starts the next line.
For the last of the line I would change it to fit with the rhyming couplet scheme i.e.: