Brief Summary:
This seems to me a poem that gives off a warning to lovers. I will break it down as I interpret it:
~~ A warning to lovers to mind the time spent together ~~The leaves give off another warning...... "beware" ~~ The final warning is TIME TRIES TO STEAL LIVES
So then who is the voice??? Is it nature? Do the leaves represent mother nature? Suggestions:
Haiku's are of naturalistic content. I would personally list this as a Senryu. Though nature is mentioned, the subject seems to be of time and not nature. Just this humble readers opinion. If this is a warning from Mother Nature, this might fit the Haiku theme. It all depends on the voice of this poem though, and I am finding that a bit difficult to distinguish.
Areas that I had trouble with:
Distinguishing the voice of the poem.
Brief Summary:
This is a very beautiful poem of chance, fate, and choice. The intricate weaving of two lives meant to be together. Is it time keeping them apart for now, or some stronger means? Read on to find out.
Suggestions:
Depending on what this is to be used for, I say go with the poem. I holds strength and captures the attention. What I liked about this piece:
I liked this circle the two characters dance. The language of the poem captivated me, holding my attention, awaiting the, as of yet, reunion or perhaps union of the two souls.
Areas that I had trouble with:
None really. I will use this space to say that I found both the top portion and the bottom portion, upon further reflection, speaking of the same thing. However, I felt the poem version was much stronger. Why I rated this so:
I was really moved by the piece.
Brief Summary:
A story of good and evil played out over a tragic Halloween night. The tale, though fiction, is one that has been played out in reality several times now. This tragedy shows us the evil behind a pleasant face. The wolf in sheep's clothing, and the mask of the enemy in disguise as the friend.
Suggestions: 2nd paragraph typo: toward is used twice in this paragraph. The first time correctly, the second time with an s adding movement. Since toward is an action, adding the s is incorrect. This is often done in speaking, and then transfers over to our writing.
( This is again repeated in the paragraph that begins with "My mission accomplished.")
Afterward is another word that many tend to add an "s" to when not necessary. This happens in the paragraph that begins with "I was suddenly left standing in the hall"
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the realistic portrayal of events that reside here. I was able to put myself in the shoes of Travis and see the events unfold as if there myself. Areas that I had trouble with:
None. Why I rated this so:
Although I found a few minor spelling errors, I felt this is a well written piece worthy of a five star rating.
Brief Summary:
Pain, the refrain of this song, that keeps coming back to haunt. The willingness to help, but at what cost? The voice of this poem cries out in anguish at the pain suffered past, and present. This free-stlye poem is one many should read.
Suggestions:
No suggestions for this piece. I feel this is complete and whole as it stands. The voice of this poem carries the weight of the anguish as it lumbers forward once more to be shunted with rejection and pain. What I liked about this piece:
The refrain in this piece gives it a lyrical tune to which the muse calls. Help me, I struggle, take the pain away. The refrain keeps this poem held together as the bonding glue. The verses, each distinct, carry the weight and burden of the pain.
Why I rated this so:
This was well deserving of a five star rating.
♥♥♥This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" which you have recently signed up for and joined.♥♥♥
♣♣♣Brief Summary:
Dream or reality, the Beginning, chapter one is intriguing and has an allure that will have me back for chapter 2.
♣♣♣Suggestions:
The first and second line contradict each other. First it is stated the character doesn't know what he is doing, then it says he is driving.
Perhaps an easy transition from the first line to the second, without changing them, would be: I do not know what I am doing. Apparently, I am in a car and driving.
By adding the one word, we can see that the character is confused and unsure of the surroundings.
♣♣♣Thoughts provoked:
Two different ideas come to me upon reading this: This is a dream sequence that will have repercussions in the conscious state of mind.
This is an alternate world than the one I the reader is accustom to.
These two intriguing ideas, and the drive to discover if I am write, lead me on to await for chapter two. Great lure.
♣♣♣What I enjoyed:
The mystery there is to be solved and the many answers that could apply.
♣♣♣Areas I had trouble with:
NONE
♣♣♣Why I rated this so:
I felt it was a deserving piece that was well written.
♥♥♥This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" which you have recently signed up for and joined.♥♥♥
♣♣♣Brief Summary:
A look back in appreciation to those who have gone ahead of us, leaving something here in return, a Footprint In Time.
♣♣♣Suggestions:
I have no suggestions for this piece, I thought it was wonderful the way it stood.
♣♣♣Thoughts provoked:
I was moved upon reading this piece. The images this poem conjured up made me stop and think. The average person leaves a print in time. One that can effect or have an affect on another. Not only are we leaving a footprint, but that footprint can be good or bad. This legacy left behind should be one we are proud of.
Also this brought to mind how the average person shows greatness each day. By living and striving to be a good person, a monumental footprint is left behind to others.
♥♥♥This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" which you have recently signed up for and joined.♥♥♥
♣♣♣Brief Summary:
The strength and power the family unit holds is brought forth in this piece. A lesson in metaphor to show the support and love.
♣♣♣Suggestions: Although the added color of this piece was appealing, it was also distracting. It was a distraction only because the color scheme didn't follow the rhyming couplets. Change the color at the end of each rhyme, that would justify the color. Using the color to offset each couplet brings unity.
The last of the rhyming couplets is forced. This could be good if you were trying to end on an unfinished note, however I feel it distracts from this piece.
The line that starts with family, I feel should be changed, adding strength to the metaphor i.e.: You have been a pond
Get rid of the and which starts the next line.
For the last of the line I would change it to fit with the rhyming couplet scheme i.e.: When all was over, it was my confidence,
you helped me to regain.
♣♣♣Thoughts provoked:
I liked the metaphor of the family to the wind, giving a hand and strength to the dove as it soars.
♣♣♣Why I rated this so:
Due to the above mentioned items, I felt with a little more work I would definitely return to re-rate this. It has good structure and rhythm until the end where the author lost me.
Brief Summary:
I have just been taken on my first hunt. We began the journey in the spring, practicing with targets and getting re-acquainted with our equipment. The hunter lead me through this experience through to the end. Did we get our prize, or did the author tease you with the beginning picture? Read on to determine how this hunt turned out.
Suggestions: To begin with, I would change the order of the format. Place the picture at the end so that readers aren't sure whether or not the hunt was successful. The picture at the beginning tells the reader that the trophy is in hand, so why read on.
As I read this poem I came across places where I felt the Capitalization and wording were perhaps too much. For example, I will take a few lines and show an adjustment. Keep in mind you are the author, and this is merely a suggestion:
Hints of spring,
mere whispers,
memories re-surface.
Tree-stand awaits,
cleared of snow.
Buck target, teasing;
standing it stares.
Bow in hand,
I climb.
Arrow after arrow let loose
Piercing at the correct angle.
Three arrows,
in a space dwarfed by a quarter.
Practice season.
Dial it in.
Check equipment.
Repetition,
over, and over again
before ever a footfall in the woods.
(This is how I see the first stanza. In some places a few less words are used to create more of a moment for the reader to visualize the event. However, as you had it, this was still a moving piece that had me thinking I may have just experienced my first hunt.
Do not capitalize the first of each line. Some of the lines continue from one to another, with the capitalization, it gets confusing.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the dramatic spacing and emotion used as the author kept us on our toes. The pounding of the heart felt as we waited together, felt clear to the boots. Very dramatic. This kept the reader in the moment feeling the emotion.
Areas that I had trouble with:
None other than the capitalization mentioned above.
Why I rated this so:
I felt this was a good poem. I would have rated higher, but I felt in some places, there were too many words used that took away from the poem. However, I did really like this piece so a four it is.
Brief Summary:
A mystery filled adventure full of new life experiences and the decisions that help us to grow up. Standing up for one's self and taking command of her life. Jenny must make decisions that will effect life as she knows it. Suggestions: Throughout the story the word "has" is used in place of "as". As a reader this through me off. I wasn't sure if this was due to being written in another country. If that is the case, please disregard the comment. If not, some editing on this should occur.
Much of this chapter reads as a movie script. There are many time jumps and subject changes that would be understood in a movie, however in a book, it leaves gaps. One example would be the jump from throwing an outfit onto the bed, to actually being in a pub. There is no action relayed that explains the transfer of location. The reader must stop and put this together for him/her selves.
When referring to Jenny and Caroline in the same paragraph, the author often speaks of Jenny, then next refers to Caroline as "she". This is misleading to the reader. An example would be paragraph two. When speaking of Caroline, the reader is told that "she" is streetwise. Yet the sentence before we were told of Jenny, so the reader thinks "she" is in reference to Jenny. Some clarification in these instances would make the reading more clear.
The friendship struck up with Pete, also plays out as a movie. Without the information in the chapter we get snid-bits of a picture. More information is needed. It is believable that Jenny is shy and sitting out on the bench with Pete because he followed her out there. From that point on, everything is rushed. The end result is believable, but how the relationship gets from point A to point B needs more convincing. Pete is a patient fellow, so the scene outside on the bench is rushed. More talk between the two before the kiss, more eye contact, and understanding. The build up of chemistry between the two should be revealed.
The jump in the church from the party scene to the sacrifice has a big time gap. What happened to everyone else, where did all the others go?
What I liked about this piece:
While reading this chapter, I came across many items that gave me a pause, however the base of the story kept me interested and reading on. Areas that I had trouble with:
To me this read much more along the lines of a rough draft movie script, due to some of the reasons listed above in the suggestions. Ideas intermixed in with story line. I did however enjoy the premise of what I read. Why I rated this so:
Listed above are the main reasons for this rating. I did however enjoy what I read after getting around some of the obstacles. I feel this has great potential, and I would gladly return to re-rate this after more editing is done. BORED??? CHECK OUT THIS LINK http://www.pamperedchef.biz/jennyskitchencorner
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Brief Summary:
The beginning of a novel full of adventure and life. The decisions that Seamus must make take will take him far from home. The choices of today sparking the adventures of tomorrow.
Suggestions:
Go back through and re-read each paragraph. Each one contains at least one sentence that is so full of descriptives and ideas that it is actually two or three sentences in one. Splitting up the sentences would make for a smoother flow of reading.
What I liked about this piece:
I enjoyed the picture the author was able to create through the descriptives. This chapter was enticing in such a way that if this were the opening to a book, I would continue reading.
Areas that I had trouble with:
Although the author has a very descriptive way of telling this tale, I felt some of the sentences were run-on sentences. There were several places where creating another sentence would have made the reading flow easier. Why I rated this so:
I felt more could be done with this piece. Further editing would improve the reading adventure. Upon further reflection, I would be willing to return and re-rate this item.
Brief Summary:
This rhyming couplet has depth and emotion. It depicts the departure of the hummingbirds as they fight for survival by following their instincts, as well as a passage of time. This creative poem is metaphoric in nature as well as telling a story. A very creative writing. Suggestions: Perhaps an alternative to the last line of verse three would be "Immediate departure strengthens survival" "strengthens" isn't quite the word either. Still thinking on this idea though. What I liked about this piece:
I liked the choice of wording usage. The way the poem is set, it isn't to be read on a complete syllable count. It reads as if the thoughts were being realized for the first time. A time passage as the migration patterns take effect. Areas that I had trouble with:
I had trouble relating the last line of verse three with the rest of the poem. I can visualize "mankind's struggle for survival" as being in relation to the hummingbird's struggle, but felt it was a stretch of relationship with the poem. Why I rated this so:
I felt this piece was a fine example of the rhyming couplet poetry. The one troubling line kept this from being a five. Upon further reflection, I would consider possibly a re-visit for an altered rating.
Brief Summary:
This is a piece of poetry on sin, injustice, and forgiveness. The spirit of the poem is one of moral standing. The content takes on a religious aspect, yet in the same time, it keeps to the simple ground. Suggestions: In places it seems like this poem is meant to rhyme. Some of the lines do rhyme with proceeding ones, and others do not. This makes the reader pause and reflect on what has just been read, and it could be distracting for some. Perhaps a unified format would work better here.
Another suggestion would be to shorten the lines, for instance :
They brought her out before Him,
pushing her to the ground.
As she fell she slowly moved,
keeping her head bowed down.
Too ashamed; hurt with pain and guilt,
she would rather not be there.
In agony she grimaced,
while attracting eyes of hate.
"What shall you do Rabbi?"
"The adulteress was caught this time."
The angry mob encircled her
wanting to see her die.
This is just an example of the first verse. I feel this would greatly help the structure of the poem and give readers a better understanding of what is going on. Your poem as it is speaks plainly, however the lengthy sentences allow some of the power of the poem to escape.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the moral approach the author took with this piece. A lesson to be learned here for all. Areas that I had trouble with:
The lengthy lines seem to swallow up the poem. Some of the meaning, to me, was lost, until viewed in an altered structure. Why I rated this so:
I felt with some small alterations this could be a five star rating. Upon further reflection, I would gladly return to re-rate this item.
Brief Summary:
A piece to re-assure a loved one of the continued support and love you feel for them. The love shown here is limitless and continuing. Suggestions: Third line, delete the punctuation, it is an incomplete sentence, it goes with the next one. If anything a comma would be more appropriate.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the heartfelt message it contains here. I don't feel this is created with sarcasm, frustration, or impatience. It is created from love of purity. Areas that I had trouble with:
None really. Why I rated this so:
I rated it a four, I felt this was a good love poem, written for someone special. This wasn't a piece that moved me especially, that is why it wasn't rated higher.
Brief Summary:
A short poem of contradictions and contrasts summed up into one creating a metaphorical tale of writing. Creatively done, putting a smile on this reader's face.
Suggestions: line three, is it "in" thought, or "into" thought? Not sure which fits better.
What I liked about this piece:
I enjoyed this clever piece. The content on a whole made for a great read. Areas that I had trouble with:
Possibly the third line. Why I rated this so:
I felt it was a good poem that put a smile on my face.
Brief Summary:
A free-style writing based on an experience of travel. Beauty glimpsed at different angles has different perspectives, otherwise stated as the two sides of beauty.
Suggestions: I see this poem written in a different light, but still getting the message across. As it is written, to me, it reads as a paragraph. Written differently, I would view it as a poem. No offense intended, I am no expert, this is merely my opinion If it were to be placed in another format, her would be my suggestion for the first few lines and first verse:
Securely fastened,
Backs and trays upright
hurtling down the runway....
up, up, and away
into blue sky.
Ground disappears,
Replaced by billowing whiteness
To me, this has the same content of what you have written, but comes across with a voice of it's own rather than a play by play foretelling.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the two sides to beauty the author gives. Beauty has a dark side that is often forgotten, and seldom mentioned. Here the author shows us both when speaking of the clouds. Areas that I had trouble with:
I had trouble following the format used. That is a personal problem, no fault do to the author. I think I could follow this as a poem if written in a different style or format.
Why I rated this so:
Being a novice poet, and not schooled in the various degrees, formats and styles of poetry, I base my overall rating on content and how well I felt the author delivered the message. I would gladly return for a re-rating of this poem once suggestions and comments have been taken into consideration.
Brief Summary:
Written for a dark poetry contest, this prose is full of descriptives that leave you with a chill. Two doors, one path to follow, this creative prose walks you through the choice of one soul as the path unfolds before them.
Suggestions: -inperfect, or imperfect? Possible typo.
- " the door theythere lays
-Third stanza repeats the usage of blindness. I would find something else to use here. It is repetitive and causes the reader to pause.
- Verse one, instead of the word "sound", I would substitute possibly crunch this gives the reader first hand recognition of the sound, and they can better associate the word with the action.
-The line "I hunger in lust like Eve before me tasting the forbidden fruit creating sin" The wording of this seems to be a bit off. I have a suggestion for this: I am Eve, before the sampling of forbidden fruit, creating sin
Perhaps another layout for this poem, with shortened lines would also work (just this readers opinion though) An example of what I mean to follow:
Undead, walking a malign passage
to tender destitution.
Crunch, crumbling bones,
beneath my wasting feet.
Demons chant, wanton loyalty
to their diabolical maker.
This is how I see this poetry. I see it as shorter, but stronger lines, making more of an impact on the reader.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked how the author used many descriptives in this piece, but felt it came out more as a prose rather than a poem. Areas that I had trouble with:
I felt that this would be a stronger piece if the lines were shortened. Even though the descriptives were good, I felt too much was lost in the translation. This concentrated, as I translated it, more on the descriptives, than on the two doors. Why I rated this so:
I felt this could be changed in places to make for a stronger piece for the contest. The content is good, however I feel the plot of the poem gets lots in the descriptives. The "two doors" would stand out more with less information.
Brief Summary:
A day at the fun park leads to romance in the air. A fun filled day full of rides and prizes, companionship and bonding, help Debbie to get started moving passed her bad experiences with relationships. Suggestions:
Try to get this short little story published. I found it to be quite delightful to read. The first paragraph seemed a little slow and packed with extra baggage not needed for the story, but then all stories must have a beginning. What I liked about this piece:
I liked the simplicity with which this romantic piece unfolds. Areas that I had trouble with:
None really Why I rated this so:
I felt it was really good, minus the opening paragraph. Content wise there was nothing wrong with it, I just didn't feel it fit in too well with the rest of the story. It was added baggage that was unnecessary. http://www.pamperedchef.biz/jennyskitchencorner
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Brief Summary:
Not only a thank you note to past readers as well as reviewers, this is also an encouraging piece. It offers insight and information to new members to gain knowledge from. A wonderful work once again. Suggestions:
Keep on writing. Your fans adore you. What I liked about this piece:
The sincere emotion and encouragement the author lends to her pieces. In each piece written, the reader is able to take something away with them. Its as if the author literally puts a piece of herself into each work. Areas that I had trouble with:
NONE
Brief Summary:
A brief, yet also in-depth piece, on the background of one of my favorite writing.com authors. A short piece giving us some background into who she is and why she writes like she does. This is written for the reader to grasp a better understanding of the author, and to tell us who she is. All this, as only a writer can understand. Suggestions:
Keep writing, I love your work. It is a joy to read. What I liked about this piece:
The honesty of which it is written. It shares a bit of background of the family as well as some personal details. Areas that I had trouble with:
NONE Why I rated this so:
Loved the work and enjoy anything this author has written.
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ." Brief Summary:
Do not judge a book by its cover. There is more than one angle to every story. A lesson to be learned is shared here in this tale of murder, mystery, and enlightenment.
Suggestions:
Many of these paragraphs can be combined into one larger paragraph. There a many breaks where it is unnecessary. Combining the shorter pieces would add emotion with a great impact. The first few paragraphs where it is questions of who, what, when and where add momentum and anxiety when combined into one. What I liked about this piece:
I liked the way the author shows there is more than one side to every issue. Also that life and actions taken often have reasoning behind it, although this isn't to excuse the murder, just appreciate the glimpse of reality. Areas that I had trouble with:
None Why I rated this so:
The broke up paragraphs.
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ." Brief Summary: Is seeing, believing? What has been happening to Darren? This is a well written short story on betrayal and deceit. This short piece can easily be a rough draft for a much larger piece, or stand alone as it is.
Suggestions: The word favorite is used in two different paragraphs, right together. This repeat distracts from the reading. A substitute word would make for a better flow.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked how the ending played to the beginning. It is a tale that comes full circle. Crazy she wanted, crazy she got. Great write. Areas that I had trouble with: NONE
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ." Brief Summary:
Mother Earth has had enough. She lashes back letting all know she has reached her limits. She no longer will tolerate the neglect and disrespect.
Suggestions: She tends to use the "seas" as a source of protection, a shell, to ward off the bad, bury it. The Seas are used in all but one verse. Should the wind play a part in this piece as well, or is the wind implied by the bending of the trees? Just a few thoughts to ponder. What I liked about this piece:
I liked how this could be a metaphoric piece speaking of women to man, or as it reads, nature to humankind.
Why I rated this so:
I felt something was lacking. It is a strong piece. Metaphoric perhaps with great impression of anger and retribution, but there was just something nagging at me that keeps this from becoming a 5. I will have to ponder this and get back to you.
Greetings Kenzie ~~ A brief Summary:This is a fabulous piece written on the career of someone working in a Home Based Job. The details and description included are great. Defined within is the exciting ways to improve one's self,one's business, while still coming back to what is important, the family. This is a well written piece that those just starting out in this business field can learn from.
~~ What this made me think of:I could personally relate to this story. I am just starting out selling Pampered Chef, and find this a useful tool to help me set goals and priorities.
~~Any editing comments:None that I know of. ~~What I liked best:The way I could personally relate to this story, and use some of the information inside, to help better my business and personal self.
~~Suggestions:Is this in print somewhere? A compilation of experiences and insight, hints , tips and ideas, would make for a great information tool for others. Ever thought of putting one together?
~~Thank you for sharing your creative and artistic writing skills! ** Image ID #1161857 Unavailable **
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ." Brief Summary: A sad love poem of deception and let down, that ends with an optimistic line. A rhyming couplet sang by the bard of love and love lost. The story of love and its loss begins a new with me.
Suggestions: Not a single one, this was pretty good all in of itself. Bravo poet friend. A great creation.
Why I rated this so: I thought this was a fantastic piece. I especially liked the ending line. For it IS all up to you, the individual.
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Greetings Nick ~~ A brief Summary:An interesting tale on life and the ups and downs. This was put in such a lyrical fashion as to make me think of a song or a poem. The paragraphs sang as verses, lifting off of the pages.
~~ What this made me think of:To me this was life and the sharing of it with a significant other. The joy of life, the smile.
~~Any editing comments:None
~~What I liked best:The way the paragraphs became verses of a poem for me.
~~Suggestions: Try this out as a poem or song
~~Thank you for sharing your creative and artistic writing skills! ** Image ID #1171590 Unavailable **
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~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
2nd paragraph typo: 
Afterward is another word that many tend to add an "s" to when not necessary. This happens in the paragraph that begins with "I was suddenly left standing in the hall"
The line that starts with family, I feel should be changed, adding strength to the metaphor i.e.:
Get rid of the and which starts the next line.
For the last of the line I would change it to fit with the rhyming couplet scheme i.e.:
Perhaps another layout for this poem, with shortened lines would also work (just this readers opinion though) An example of what I mean to follow:
