Brief Summary:
Once again, please accept this as my interpretation and ideas. Use what you can, and discard the rest. Thank you for your patience with my ramblings.
To begin with, I feel you have a strong opening verse. It lays the foundation for the poem. With verse one, I feel as if the voice is trying to explain that attachments aren't easily made. Not for the voice anyway, and another is trying to persuade the voice that in time, this won't always be so.
The second verse, I feel loses some of it's translation, perhaps by a typo or wrong word. In the second line of verse two, "to my this sterile way of mine". I feel that instead of my "me" should be used, with a comma following it to allow for a pause. In so going with this line I also feel the comma at the end of line one of this verse should be omitted.
The third verse to me is an unfinished statement as if the voice is cut off or interrupted. Line one of this verse plays out with repetition again. Try ending it with it instead of pride. Of course, in so doing, then the next line must have the first word then changed as well, my suggestion for this would be:
Can't ever spit up my pride-always drowning in it,
therefor the better-even if you don't understand.
To keep a medicinal
attachment before they try to...
Now again after re-reading this verse several times. I see the voice beginning to wander and let to much information slip, catching itself and correcting the mistake by taking us on to the next verse.
Thank you for sharing your creative writing. I encourage you to do more.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Brief Summary:
Listed as a metaphoric poem I have re-read this several times. I can't find the metaphor, it eludes me and can't find the voice to speak to this thick skull. I do find a voice within of the heartache and pain suffered. Keep in mind, this review is only an interpretation of your work. I will not necessarily paint the same picture you do when viewing your work. Please accept this review as another interpretation, that may or may not shed another light on the voice and actions of the poetry. Use what you can, if anything, if not, find joy in the fact that another read, and re-read your work, looking to find the true meanings of your words.
When reading this, I picture a hospital full of patients. Many different injuries are in the process of mending, some fresh and in need of treatment. I see the voice as a wisp of a spirit, floating through the hallways of the hospital, commenting on the various methods and procedures being used to attempt to heal the inflicted.
Editing Comments:
Suggestions:
The third verse, I felt that stems should have been stem. Not sure I can explain why, although maybe to keep in present tense. Truly, it just read better for me without the added "s".
The first verse, the word medicine is used twice. I feel if the second one was changed to medicinal it would hold the same intent, with more power behind it.
Second verse, should it read patient's or patients??? Are we speaking of belonging to a patient or of more than one patient???
Fourth verse, I felt repairing rang better than repair what do you think? Try it, let me know.
Fifth verse, a couple of things here. Second line, would needles be what was being pulled together, or should another word replace needles in the second usage, perhaps binding although I am not sure that is the right fit. Second thing here, once again, I feel medicinal dreams fit better.
Thank you for sharing your creative writing. I encourage you to do more.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Ann Ticipation
I write poetry for me. Not to follow any certain pattern or format. When reading poetry, I often try to find the rhythm of the story and emotion of the poem. I feel each person will get something different out of a poem. The meaning will have something different for me the reader, as it did for you the writer. That is how I view my personal works, as well as others. Please accept this review as my interpretation of what you decide to share. If I offer criticism or suggestion, it is how I see it, and may not appear so in your eyes. If you can find some direction to use with what I have to offer, all the better, if not, no harm done. That being said, on to the review.
Brief Summary:
To begin with I will take the picture alone without the poem. Here I see a beautiful woman making a statement. I see happiness and joy. I can not see the blond streak, it must be blending in well. The trees behind the picture could be interpreted as a back drop to brighten the shirt. Giving this angel, a brightness and glow. The white shirt pops out at you, then brings into focus the red, and then the blackness of the hair. Whether intentional or not, the setting of the picture helps to define the poem you have created. VERY CLEVER!
Poem:
The poem seems to follow a well defined pattern : AA B CC B DD. This pattern is repeated with uniformity throughout the poem and flows true in that sense. The poem itself makes a statement in remembrance of a tragedy.
Suggestions:
As in all poetry, many repeated readings often bring something new to mind. Here I have read it now three times and am still finding more that strikes me. The only suggestion for this piece would be that IF there is a set formatted style for this piece, perhaps a pop-note to indicate the style used.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the message the author was portraying. Standing up and out to take a stand. Letting everyone know she hasn't forgotten. Letting everyone know that she cares. This is a flaming arrow to those that created the tragedy, letting them know that she hasn't let this event slip past un-noticed, and that she is vigilant.
Areas that I had trouble with:
It took me a few times before the rhythm of the poem spoke to me. The rhyming scheme was evident right off, however it sounded odd to me without having the proper rhythm.
Why I rated this so:
I felt this was a good piece. I could find no errors to leave suggestions for. Great job my friend. Thank you for sharing! BORED??? CHECK OUT THIS LINK http://www.pamperedchef.biz/jennyskitchencorner
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills!
Greetings ShiShad, I found this in the review request page. A rather interesting piece. When reviewing contest entries, I often find it helpful to have a link to the contest, or at least a short blurb at the bottom letting the reader know the limitations that were put on this writing.
For instance, I see you have a word count listed at the very end. Was this a requirement of the writing??? Did you have to edit the content to fit within the alloted regulations??? Was the prompt the title??? These added bits of information allow the reviewer to better grasp what the writer is trying to portray, and get a sense if something is missing.
Also one comment, in the review page, it stated written for a contest, and then the subtitle was giving reference to inspiration from your sister. My question is, were you thinking, in reference to your sister when you wrote from the prompt??? Or, did your sister help you with the prompt or perhaps encourage you to write for it???
That all said and done, on to the review. I want to make sure that it is understood, these are My personal opinions and views on the writing, and may be inconsequential to your piece as far as you see it. That is perfectly fine. Please take what you can from this review, if anything.
Brief Summary:
This is quite the fun little piece to read and review. It brings to mind many instances of similar situations. This is a lesson not only in comprehension, but also in giving instructions.
Suggestions / Questions: This is labeled as a short story. With the very brief word count perhaps this would better qualify as a static item???
From the sub-categories I would then take this as a piece written from a true experience, and that Ellie is your sister. Am I on target???
Word Choice: Naiveness to me doesn't seem to fit with the flow of the story. Perhaps naivety could be used as a substitute. What do you think???
"Sometimes she would become just plain dumbfounded"
To me this sentence almost works. However it is lacking in punch due to the end of the prior sentence. "without knowing why" and "looking dumbfounded" show the same result, making this repetitive. Combined with the sentence before, and a few small adjustments, I feel it reads with more strength:
"She often made people laugh. Her dumbfounded expression at their response usually brought on more laughter, and the appropriate "What?", from her.
Immediately after the above mentioned adjustment, I feel you need to start a new paragraph. You have just given a background on your sister, now we need to proceed into the next paragraph with the start of the present situation and new information.
~At a young age Ellie married a farmer......
Go right into the humor of the piece.
In the next sentence it appears as though I am reading a narrative and viewing a story at the same time. Two different actions. Alter the line to read as one....
"Do you think you could ........ ? They must be planted in hills."
What I liked about this piece:
To me this was especially endearing. I actually have two different stories, related to planting, that could go hand in hand within a book compilation with this piece. We could call it "Stories and Antidotes From the Garden."
Why I rated this so:
I felt this piece was close to being complete. It has all the correct information, though the presentation of such could be altered to come across with more of a punch, to match the title.
Brief Summary:
A beautiful senryu written with true style. Staying on course with the syllable count, you have created a great loving piece for your unborn child.
Suggestions:
To me the last line although delivering a message, also can get lost on some readers. IF this is a true poem for someone special with a certain message, then I urge leave it as it is. IF not, then I suggest an alternate last line:
perhaps: New love discovered
also when creating for a certain prompt or contest, it helps the reader to see a link to this inspiring activity, and also allows them to view the limitations put on your writing. BORED??? CHECK OUT THIS LINK http://www.pamperedchef.biz/Jennyskitchencorner
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1143571 by Not Available.
Brief Summary:
This is a poem of choices not take, love not nurtured, and goals not sought after. The love once shared, left to bask in the glow, slowly fades with time as the light turns to shadows. This is a great poem that has captured the spirit of many relationships, many of which would benefit if only from reading this great poem. Suggestions:
This is a poem that should be published. A wonderful piece that I would even put inside self help books for couples or those in a relationship, if not to open their eyes, then to show what can happen if their eyes remain shut.
What I liked about this piece:
The realistic way this has captured a problem that is common in todays society. Areas that I had trouble with:
NONE
Brief Summary:
The evil disease lurking in the air, and in the ground sneaks up on the unsuspecting and invades their bodies. This sometimes terminal evil is written about in this wonderful poem. Wonderful in the sense that it takes a serious subject and illness, and turns it into a beautiful poem of strength and survival and hope.
Suggestions:
Get this published. That is the only advice I have. This really moved me. What I liked about this piece:
This poem struck me personally. My step-father died of cancer. 5 totally separate, unrelated cancers to be exact, and that was 5 years after winning the fight against colon cancer. It is a common belief among some family members that the cancer resides in the ground. With all of the construction being built, and the dirt and dust being unearthed and released into the air, the disease is also being released, thus causing many to fall to this evil.
Areas that I had trouble with:
NONE, this was written with clarity. It gives hope to those suffering, that others have conquered this evil.
Why I rated this so:
This was a poem that touched me both through the words and the message.
This is a wonderful song you have created here, with music included. I can't listen to the tune for a couple of reasons, but am sure they do the lyrics a great compliment in the accompaniment. In the garden where all must get along, the harmony of the garden should be able to quell even the mightiest of foes.
Here I see the echoes of mother nature as one piece of the planet gives birth or reason to another. A symbiatic relationship. The syllable count is on and makes for a nice read. Perhpas consider combining several of these together for a longer piece.
Oh Fred and KC sound like a match made in Heaven. My KC will play fetch with those small rubber balls. She will bring it to you and drop it at your feet. Then repeat this process until she gets thirsty or bored. It has been great fun learning about Fred . Thank you for sharing.
Wow, two baby possums and Fred hasn't a problem with them, to me that is something alright. I can just picture the three of them playing when you aren't around. Fred doesn't like cheetos??? Just the smell of cheese drives my KC crazy.
Thanks for sharing another year of adventures.
Oh you have me rolling over this last little bit. It reminds me of my KC. She does something quite similar, only she does it when trying to crawl into your lap. I have had a fun time reading about Fred and some of his unusual antics. Thank you for sharing.
Fred the mischievious devil, sounds like an added asset to the house. What house would be complete without one. At least he doesn't seem to be fussy. We have one that insists her food should be fresh out of the bag each morning and we should empty her water dish and pour her a fresh drink. If not, even at 3am she begins to howl. All the other time in the day she hides out and sleeps. Now the other one, is a lot more like Fred!
Brief Summary:
This was a wonderful story. For reasons unstated. Sibyl has a falling out with the man she is seeing. Years later she is tracked down and declared his heir. This is the story of decisions to be made and how they are made.
Suggestions: Unless I missed it, Paris and Sybil, go from talking on the front step to arriving in a car without a transition to the car. It is mentioned that Sybil should go with Paris, but the getting in the car and doing so isn't mentioned.
“I don’t know why heleft it to me,” Sibyl said. (one sentence mid way through missing the bold word.
Brief Summary:
cloning, is it the answer, or merely a modern day temporary fix to the supposed problem of the moment. Computers created to free up are time has allowed us to add more technology to consume our time. When Moire decides to take matters into her own hands, Rachel must suffer the concequences of her own actions. Cloning, the solution or the problem???
I really liked the path this story took. The unexpected outcome was a bit intriguing. Paying back his debt to society, Patrick is locked away, and Rachel is forever stuck in Cyberia.
Brief Summary:
An interesting activity listed here for all participants to get to know other members. Fun filled facts that lead to exploration in order to find the truth. "Invalid Item" is an in and out designed for guessing and leaving information about yourself as well. This keeps the game going for the next player. Suggestions:
Perhaps a banner to add to the visual appeal could decorate the halls of this great piece. other than that I see nothing that could use my input. Other than to possibly begin guessing on the other entrants.
What I liked about this piece:
The fun filled atmosphere that welcomes each player.
Brief Summary:
As Audrey begins to understand and learn who she is, questions arise as to her existence and purpose. She is separated from her siblings and is paired up with another. Is this to be her mate? If so, what is to become of her race?
Azure, Laas, and Audrey continue their education and search for answers.
I could find nothing to suggest to this story. In fact I am so caught up in it, time had no power over me. I do hope you come back to this story and finish it one day. I really was enjoying this tale.
Brief Summary:
This is a wonderful adventure of discovery and adventure. Learning about youself and the world around you a vital key to surviving. Once could almost use this story as a metaphor for life. However there are several key elements inside that give this a sciece fiction base.
Suggestions:
I'm not sure if I see some foreshadowing coming pertaining to the lxi. I can not tell if the lxi are in this for their own gain or if they are really trying to help the siblings in any way they can. Good suspense builder.
Brief Summary:
Introcuction number two on this book has me debating myself. I liked how the first intro dove right into the story. However this version gives more of a background on the Doctor, and what he is doing as well as why.
Suggestions:
I would suggest going with this version, and then perhaps using parts of what is in the first version later in your chapters.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the background it gives on the Doctor. We learn a bit about his character and what motivates him in this intro.
Brief Summary:
Creating another world for the reader to venture into, this author has introduced several strange and new characters in the fascinating world. Creating conflict and perhaps war in this drama filled piece. This book shows great potential, and all of this is derived solely from the introduction.
Suggestions: onceone and for all
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the multi-faceted races included in this creation. Very imaginative. If this is the least liked of the introductions, I can't wait to move on to the other.
Brief Summary:
An interesting "possible" entry to the contest, if you weren't one of the judges. I feel you did a great service to yourself and others in taking the contest challenge yourself to view and experience the difficulty and problems that may arise from such a challenge.
Suggestions:
NONE What I liked about this piece:
I liked the fact you added the link to the contest. Areas that I had trouble with:
NONE
Brief Summary:
This wonderful free-style poem brought to mind several thoughts, scenarios and ideas.
At first I picture disease lying in the dust, disturbed by the construction and expansion of man. Cancerous microbes eating at the very heart and soul of man.
Then, I picture the balance of good and evil. What is the balance? What is the counterweight that tips the scale one direction or another?
What I liked about this piece:
I found this to be a very thought provoking piece.
D.L. Robinson Brief Summary:
This appears to be a limerick of a poem written for a contest. Creatively done with great rhyming and style.
Suggestions:
The last verse has trouble, that other than the syllable count, I feel some re-wording would help. MY SUGGESTION:
We're glad it was us you found
We want you to stick around
What I liked about this piece:
The educational aspect of this was great. Lessons taught in verse as well as lessons for this site. Creative combination.
Areas that I had trouble with:
Last verse, middle rhyme.
Brief Summary:
This seems to me a poem that gives off a warning to lovers. I will break it down as I interpret it:
~~ A warning to lovers to mind the time spent together ~~The leaves give off another warning...... "beware" ~~ The final warning is TIME TRIES TO STEAL LIVES
So then who is the voice??? Is it nature? Do the leaves represent mother nature? Suggestions:
Haiku's are of naturalistic content. I would personally list this as a Senryu. Though nature is mentioned, the subject seems to be of time and not nature. Just this humble readers opinion. If this is a warning from Mother Nature, this might fit the Haiku theme. It all depends on the voice of this poem though, and I am finding that a bit difficult to distinguish.
Areas that I had trouble with:
Distinguishing the voice of the poem.
Brief Summary:
This is a very beautiful poem of chance, fate, and choice. The intricate weaving of two lives meant to be together. Is it time keeping them apart for now, or some stronger means? Read on to find out.
Suggestions:
Depending on what this is to be used for, I say go with the poem. I holds strength and captures the attention. What I liked about this piece:
I liked this circle the two characters dance. The language of the poem captivated me, holding my attention, awaiting the, as of yet, reunion or perhaps union of the two souls.
Areas that I had trouble with:
None really. I will use this space to say that I found both the top portion and the bottom portion, upon further reflection, speaking of the same thing. However, I felt the poem version was much stronger. Why I rated this so:
I was really moved by the piece.
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The trees behind the picture could be interpreted as a back drop to brighten the shirt. Giving this angel, a brightness and glow. The white shirt pops out at you, then brings into focus the red, and then the blackness of the hair. Whether intentional or not, the setting of the picture helps to define the poem you have created. VERY CLEVER!
~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills!
This is labeled as a short story. With the very brief word count perhaps this would better qualify as a static item???
From the sub-categories I would then take this as a piece written from a true experience, and that Ellie is your sister. Am I on target???
Word Choice: Naiveness to me doesn't seem to fit with the flow of the story. Perhaps naivety could be used as a substitute. What do you think???
"Sometimes she would become just plain dumbfounded"
~