Personal notes:
This is a story that is real to life. Many a family is faced with the same situation, and given the same advice.
Suggestions/Editing:
~ paragraph beginning with "Zuri quickly ..." insert the word to between the words beenand find.
~towardsWhen using words of action, as in forward, backward, and toward, there should be no "s" added on to denote action since the word itself is already the action. Many of us make that mistake in speech thus making it a slang term. We then carry that with us into our writing. Many an author has shared this knowledge with me.
~outstretched to waiting to bring comfort.
What I liked about this piece:
The realism this portrays is as if the author has great experience in the subject. The picture painted for the reader bring forth the smells of the fear and sadness. The emotions boil over.
I especially liked the ending due to the truth. I don't want to spoil it for other would be readers.
Areas that I had trouble with:
None.
Why I rated this so:
There were a few places that needed adjusting, otherwise, this would have rated perfect.
Suggestions/Editing:
~The first sentence starts out powerful, but some words are missing, making this difficult to see the full impact the author is intending. It reads as if two thoughts mixed together and a key element was left out in the translation:
Somewhere between the explosion and his new location definitely ended in a wrong turn. Somewhere between the explosion and this new location, something had happened. Somehow he had taken a wrong turn.
To me this suggestion reads a little more clear. It takes the thought and straightens out the direction of the story.
~ The third sentence also seems to be combining a couple of thoughts. It appears as if the story is in such a hurry to tell itself that the sentences are getting jumbled. Slow down, re-read the story out loud. Here is my suggestion for the next two to three sentences: It obviously wasn’t Iraq anymore leading him to quickly realize things had gone wrong. If only he could knew how grand of a scale “things” went wrong. "This obviously isn't Iraq anymore. " This thought led him to quickly realize something had gone terribly wrong. If he only knew on just how grand of a scale things had gone wrong, he would have ....
~"towards" Many authors use this slang. The correct use would be toward I had many a author point this out to me before I caught on. toward is an action. When we speak, we often add the "s", which turns this to slang. The "s" is not needed to denote action since the word "toward" is the action.
~ and if his family was going to be....
A word was left out here.
~There are several areas that have words that need hyphens in them.
~"step-parents wasn'tweren't his parents.....
~there are several more areas where words are left out that should be there for the sentence to make sense. I would suggest going back and reading each paragraph out loud.
What I liked about this piece:
I feel this is a good story with a lesson to be told. The essential elements are here, with just a few areas clouding the waters. Look to the suggestions for clarification.
Areas that I had trouble with:
~What makes Scott think that the person he follows in to see Gabriel is his only friend. What makes that person seem friendly? There isn't enough evidence to support this.
Why I rated this so:
Though the story-line is good, there are many areas left to be cleared up. By going through and reading each piece out loud you will be able to detect the areas that need improving.
I would be glad to come back and re-rate this after changes have been made.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Brief Summary:
A love for dogs does not begin and end with a pedigree.
Suggestions:
Now that the contest is over, perhaps you may think about going back and adding on to this. There is a spot where the voice of the piece is thinking about "Mojo" "that night". Without detail, more thought, or mention, pretty soon, Mojo is now his. What happened. For a shortened piece I can see where this would work, but in the bigger picture, you have left room to add on. The conversation between the family as to leaving Mojo, and later visiting the family again. There are many places this story can go from here. Let me know if you do more with it. What I liked about this piece:
I enjoyed the description of Mojo and the thought behind him. A lovable creature from many backgrounds.
Areas that I had trouble with:
None, this is well written.
Why I rated this so:
I am trying to rate it within the context it was written. Since it was for a prompt entry in a contest, it would help and benefit other reviewers for the link, and or limitations listed, which were put on this writing. Many may not realize that a word limit is issued, and that can alter a rating, due to information or story lines which could be improved upon without word limitations.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Brief Summary:
A poem full of choking emotion waiting to burst forth. The voice of the poem is strong and powerful.
Suggestions:
There are two lines that begin with the word and. I feel this would be a stronger piece if you just delete those two words altogether.
Areas that I had trouble with:
Have you thought of using a different layout for this poem. Same words, just put into a different structure. I have read it four times now. First I read it as it is. The second time around I read it, deleting the and, at the first of the two sentences of which it resides. Thirdly I reformatted the poem and read it that way. Let me show you :
Tell Me Today
Tell me today what your dreams of tomorrow may be,
Whisper in my ear the sweet droplets of words I wish to hear
And lightly lay your head on the plump pillow of my heart.
For my darling, tomorrow brings new joys and adventures
To dive into with a world of anticipation and expectation.
And whether you fall and cry or succeed and laugh heartily
I shall be there to share that moment with you.
Tell Me Today
Tell me today,
what your dreams of tomorrow may be.
Whisper in my ear,
the sweet droplets of words I wish to hear.
Lightly lay your head,
on the plump pillow of my heart.
For my darling,
tomorrow brings new joys and adventures,
to dive into with a world of anticipation and expectation.
Whether you fall and cry,
or succeed and laugh heartily'
I shall be there,
to share that moment with you.
your words, just in a new format. The added commas add pause of breath, and I imagine someone hanging on his every word. I feel his husky breath so full of emotion that the commas allow him to swallow to get the words out.
Why I rated this so:
I feel this is a well written poem as it stands, but also feel it can soar even higher if it lifts it's wings. I feel the words pour out breathlessly now, but a few areas could use some adjusting, see suggestions above.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Brief Summary:
The scenery never changes, so we sometimes need a brick to knock us over the head to really see ourselves for who and what we are. The choices we make in life are based on who and what we are, so we should probably pay better attention to the scenery. See it for what it is and not for what it appears to be.
Suggestions:
Only one small editing point noticed:
~I do not know what went on in his mind
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the way this is self analyzing. Not quite believing what is being seen, yet coming to see ourselves the way others do. I believe this road being traveled is a piece of analytical viewing. A creative way to show others that there is more to life than what we see. There is more to ourselves than what we believe. There are more than one way to view a photograph. We being the photo, how do we perceive ourselves, and how do others view us. From there, once we know who we are, it is up to us to figure out what to do with the knowledge.
Areas that I had trouble with:
None for this is fairly well written. I am glad I have continued on this journey.
Why I rated this so:
I felt this is a well written piece that induces self thought and analysis. It is a piece written to spark question and answer seeking in each of us. This is easy to follow and a joy to read, with little or no mistakes.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Brief Summary:
Upon a second reading of this preamble, I am shocked to see yet another underlying plot before me. At first I picked up on a reference to a famous book. Now upon this second reading I am picking up on an even stronger tale. One of good verses evil.
Suggestions:
~you may need to re-look at the sentence "well then get me the......out of her I believe you meant out of here.
What I liked about this piece:
This piece ignited my fires of thought immediately. It made me think and discuss. It brought question and a search for answers. It has been a long time since a writing has driven me to action. for this I thank you.
Areas that I had trouble with:
In the beginning I was looking at this too literally. Instantly I saw the references to The Wizard Of Oz, and my passions were inflamed. How could a writer do this, write so blatantly using another's ideas. HOW WRONG I WAS. A parody, as another put it to me, that is what this was. I had never had another piece show itself to me like this one did. I had picked this out for what it was, but didn't understand what I was seeing until another author pointed it out. Now that my eyes are open, I am unable to read this on it's own merits and review it as such. Why I rated this so:
After the third reading I feel there are a few places that the author can go back and add some detail. This is a preamble. One piece of many, and it needs to be strong enough to invoke a desire for readers to go forward to find the rest of the story. I will be the exception to this. I will read of due to another fire the author has brought to life. Thank you!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Brief Summary:
A magnificent free-style poem on friendship and the masks and layers friends can see through. A creative piece about the individuals we are and the many ways we hide.
Suggestions:
None could be made this was well written.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the reference to theater and how the masks we where to hide from ourselves as well as everyone else is a common thing. Friends can see us for who we are is the theme of the show.
Areas that I had trouble with:
None. Why I rated this so:
A well deserving piece.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
~~ What this made me think of:
I could feel the blistering sun on my skin as the trek through the desert was made. The picturesque tapestry the author created transformed my vision to a plateau of reality as I experienced the journey with Joe, for I became the voice of the story.
~~Any editing comments:
~In this great story I found one slang term in print. The word towardwhen spoken often has an "s" added on. This word being one of action as in moving toward, no "s" is needed to denote the action, thus making the word towards slang. Authors often make this mistake in print. I being one of them. I draw my wealth of knowledge on the subject from many members of this site who pointed this out to me in my own writing. I pass this on to you.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me this was a poem of growth. A poem that tells the ups and downs of love for this couple. A poem of truth and reality.
~~Any editing comments:
~Sometimes there is punctuation and other times there is not. I would go back through and add more punctuation in the necessary spots. The other alternative would be to lose all punctuation, but I vote for the first choice.
~There are a few places where the word too is used and it should be to .
~~What I liked best:
I liked the realism this piece portrays.
~~Suggestions:
~At times the end of each verse has a rhyme and others it is almost a forced rhyme. The format you choose to use, whether this be a free-style poem, or set format is completely up to the author. However for the reader to follow the set rhythm of the voice, consistency or always mixing it up, either one almost seem necessary. Going between the two is confusing and makes it hard for the reader to find the voice of the poem. For instance,the second verse ends in a rhyming couplet, yet the first verse has no rhyming couplet. The third verse has no rhyming couplet, the the fourth verse has two in the middle of the verse. It makes me think that the author should go back and read it aloud a few more times.
~ I felt with a little work this poem would be a great piece. A few editing points, correct use of "to" and added punctuation. Perhaps even breaking this up even further into about 6 verses, would give this poem a stronger support. I would gladly come back and re-rate this at a later time. Thank you for the opportunity to review this work. BORED??? CHECK OUT THIS LINK http://www.pamperedchef.biz/jennyskitchencorner
~~Thank you for sharing your creative and artistic writing skills!
Greetings rafefire2000 ~~ A brief Summary:
Be careful what you wish for. With dedication and preservation, and many sacrifices, what you wish to obtain may very well fall within your grasp.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me this could be viewed as either the ending of a novel, or the beginning. This is a strong chapter that holds great strength. Added detail and description would further increase its lure for readers.
~~Any editing comments:
~paragraph beginning with "looking over..." when speaking of letting them go, there is a small possible error, change the word other to others. This change flows better with the topic, for there had been many that left before.
~When mentioning the "three of us slid down." it then reads "and we barreled" to me the and should be stricken from the sentence. It reads as an after thought. I would add something along the lines of We could see a ledge looming ahead, what lie past the approaching, growing abyss, would no longer be a mystery as we quickly descended toward it.
~~What I liked best:
I liked that the fountain gave off a luminous glow, but would like to have been able to get a more picturesque detail of what the water was in. Description to capture my imagination is what I was looking for.
I especially enjoy the ending of this and won't spoil it for the reader by commenting on it.
~~Suggestions:
It doesn't exactly say whether or not the guide goes into the entranceway or remains completely outside. Perhaps a brief description of what the guide sees that makes him believe there is an actual curse that makes him go no further. More detail of the structure and what it looks like would be a tantalizing teaser for the reader as well.
Greetings L. A. Powell ~~ A brief Summary:
With the inclusion of the forward, I am lead to believe this poem is and was left as a piece in a chess game. I see someone toying with authorities, which further complicates my vision of the poem.
~~ What this made me think of:
At first a felt this was a love poem. Written in the spirit of love found between two people. Now I feel a different twist to it.
With verse one I see a predator has found surprise as this victim now comes to mean more to him than just prey. He finds a comfort he didn't expect to find. Verse two brings to mind a passage of time to where the predator is faced with emotions planted before and now he sees things in a different light. Verse three represents philosophy of good things come to those that wait. Verse four follows up with love found with the victim.
This is a twisted sense of feeling to read this and see this in a love poem. Given a different forward, the words would hold a different meaning. This is of course just one interpretation. ~~Any editing comments:
None were noticed.
Greetings StaiNed-:D ~~ A brief Summary:
Contradictions abound.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me dear Ann, this is like some of your earlier work you used to send me to read. I remember those days when we first met that you would seek me out through email and I would read for you. This reminds me of some of your earlier work with contradiction and emotion. You tend see the darkness better than I can, not saying that is good or bad, yet you always show a bit of sunshine in your work. Your last line of the poem for example with just a few choice words, you bring light into the life of the poem. Finally complete, says that this isn't a sad thing that has happened, it is to be rejoiced, for this is where you are comfortable. You feel safe, you are happy. In the darkness you find the light. This of course is just my interpretation. I may be off my rocker, but this is how I see this particular piece.
~~Any editing comments:
~intowith blackened pain. My thinking here is there are two ways to go with this verse. One would be to change the word "into" to "with", the second would be to instead add the words "moving it" before "into". To me, either of these choices would make a smoother more powerful verse. As it stands the line seems incomplete to me. By making one of the changes, you are keeping with the same line of thinking, only adding a little more structure to the direction.
~sewed I believe the word choice here should be sewn, as in the past tense of sew.
~Omit the word And Starting the line out with that word seems to make it almost an after-thought. Give the line some power and strength by leaving the intruder off of the beginning.
~~What I liked best:
The name of this poem is a contradiction of itself. Without emotions, feelings don't exist, and vise a versa. A creative name. As if saying I am here but I don't exist. Dead I live is another example. Very creative Ann.
~~Suggestions:
The poem is filled with contradictions, yet I don't feel line four fully portrays the message you are trying to deliver. You speak of a skin of warmth and then describe it now as thin and molded. I can see the relationship between warmth being thick so thin would be cold, but do not see where the mold fits in other than to say it has long since lived past it's expiration date, or past it's purpose in life. This may be the case, I just don't seem to follow this line very well. My suggestion would be to re-visit here and see if you agree or like it as it stands.
Greetings J. A. Buxton ~~ A brief Summary:
Emotions rise as the bidding escalates in various degrees.
~~ What this made me think of:
This work could be analyzed and viewed from many different angles. The colors puzzled me, but I found them to add to the physical layout of the story. Each color represented an individual, adding contrast as each outbid the other. The significance of a bid for a soul can be debated for hours, so I will add only that I found this an amusing piece.
~~Any editing comments:
None that I could find. Judy is very thorough in her writing. However, it doesn't stop me from searching.
~~What I liked best:
I liked how the final judgment was passed. Also, perhaps the best part of this piece, the final price, one could picture, would be in the budget of this winning bidder, so no harm comes from his winning the bid.
~~Suggestions:
Keep writing my friend. Muses come in all shapes and forms. I did find the //////////breaks somewhat annoying, though necessary to the piece.
Greetings Mara ♣ McBain ~~ A brief Summary:
When life hands her lemons, Erin makes lemonade, but is it just a little too bitter still?
~~ What this made me think of:
Now we see the modern day fairy tale make it's emergence. Ean comes riding in amidst his dark sedan, does that make him a good guy or bad guy? Perhaps he is a part of both. Here we begin to see how Erin's defenses against Ean are broke down. The one's she holds up aren't much of a barrier anyway.
~~Any editing comments:
~second paragraph has the word toward in the slang tense.
~ several paragraphs in " get her boys" should that be boy's ?
~ "Erin was a kaleidoscope.... small word ommitted
~~What I liked best:
To me, this is where I begin to see the realism of the familiarity between the two characters. A bond has formed and is now growing. Through slight experience Erin has seen Ean's control of situations, whether she realizes it or not. Here is where the relationship begins it's formative stages.
Greetings Mara ♣ McBain ~~ A brief Summary:
Erin finds a new friend in a stranger. Lines are erased and boundary lines broken down. ~~ What this made me think of:
To me this was finding a familiar face in a stranger. Finding that soul-mate that needs no introduction. A bond so strong that it needs not explained where it originated form. Destiny or fate involved in this meeting. That being the case, what happened to free will, can it exist if destiny or fate share the same space?
~~Any editing comments:
~directed her towards a table. (toward being a word of action, the "s" is used in slang speech, often mistakenly used by authors in print. I had a reviewer or two inform me of this myself}
~to take things slow. (The word "to" was left out by mistake)
~~Suggestions:
Erin seems to be being groomed her by Ean. Which I can see where the story is going, but there is no mention of the comfort zone she is in when Erin is in Ean's presence. It is just assumed that it is alright he put her in the crook of his arm and guide her with his hand on her back, yet this speaks familiarity. This is a stranger to Erin. There isn't much mention of apprehension or any mention at all of the ease she feels when around him. Should this not be an integral part here? Unless of course I am reading this too fast since it is such a good story, and I perhaps missed this vital information. If that be the mistake, please forgive it.
Brief Summary:
Erin, a timid mouse of a girl, has her share of troubles. Now a stranger has helped himself to become one more burden she must bear. Can she muster the strength to bully this man, or will she fall to the muscle in the kitchen instead. Suggestions:
I really could find nothing to add or suggest for this piece. What I liked about this piece:
To me this is the great opening for adventure in young Erin's life. This is a chapter of a novel that has hooked me and has me searching out more. I see here the timid person Erin has become though she has inner strength she doesn't realize. She faces a stranger and holds her own against the ramble of the establishment. Though others would call her stand a feeble attempt, for Erin, at this point in time, it is all she can muster. Someone from her past has beat her down to submission. A roll she comes to naturally now through her life's lessons. Will this be something that she can overcome, or does she even realize this is how her life is? Perhaps she doesn't want to overcome what she has become, but does wish to improve her situation. What some see as mud others see as clay.
I am excited to read on to see how young Erin does fair in life.
Why I rated this so:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Greetings J. A. Buxton ~~ A brief Summary:
A surprise is given to the group which set out to clean Llyn Llydaw. Unbeknownst to them there is more lurking in the lake than the average discarded debris.
~~ What this made me think of:
With a twinkle in my eye as I watched the story unfold, I couldn't wait to see what the end had in store.
~~Any editing comments:
None, this author was very thorough.
~~What I liked best:
The creative use of the prompt.
Greetings L. A. Powell ~~ A brief Summary:
~LOVE That which is formed to withstand the tests of time and all.
~UNKNOWNRepresents the wind that has separated the love leaving the questions of whether the bonds will forever remain broken or if they will be reunited someday.
~LOVE DECLARED The love is once again spoken, even though there may be no tomorrow.
~~ What this made me think of:
To me this is a mother separated from her daughter or son. Something has pulled them apart before their time and she has not given up hope, and is declaring her love is strong and will go on.
~~Any editing comments:
I could see nothing to add or edit.
Greetings Mara ♣ McBain ~~ A brief Summary:
A detective mystery full in swing. Chapter five gives the reader some insight into the complex relationship between partners. It offers some possibilities that later down the line, one of the partners may be looked upon as a possible suspect. ~~ What this made me think of:
To me this chapter was a building block. A piece in the set, used to establish possible opportunity. Perhaps also a red herring for the reader. It builds the relationship between the two partners as well as puts a unknown into the factor.
~~Any editing comments:
No editing comments to add currently. Everything flowed smooth. I didn't see any obvious typos either. ~~What I liked best:
Bryce's character is developed, with his trying to be responsible for actions he performed that may have future consequences due to his drinking and one night stand.
~~Suggestions:
Having not read the rest, I am unsure where the relationship between partners stands, or if this is the first mention or hint of something. Perhaps further expansion of this road is needed.
Greetings Beth is a mama! ~~ A brief Summary:
A contest entry written to yourself as a motivational piece to help jump-start your year. ~~ What this made me think of:
Nobody is harder on ourselves than us. We tend to be our worst critics. It seems justly so that we should then also be our greatest inspirations. If we can't motivate ourselves, then, who else will? This was a great tongue lashing you just gave yourself.
~~Any editing comments:
Take heed of the words you have put down here. They could be the inspiration or jumping off blocks to some of your greatest creations.
Greetings J. A. Buxton ~~ A brief Summary:
A first attempt at a structured poetry style, made with great success. Using the sonnet and it's specifications this great novelist has struck out and made a poem to be proud of. Written to a muse, or more correctly, in response to a challenge, this author has met her mark! Bravo Judy!!!
~~ What this made me think of:
To me, this is a method of therapy I use when my muse decides to take a vacation. I write as if making a plea for inspiration and rhyme to return. It generally works. I see this as an answer to a challenge done so while following a strict format. Choosing the sonnet and being both successful and creative with the choice is a great achievement. Congratulations.
~~Any editing comments:
None I could find. The author did her research quite well, and hit the nail on the head!
~~What I liked best:
The author going out of her box and expanding her horizons with great achievements.
~~Suggestions:
Keep writing Judy, I enjoy your works of art.
Greetings J. A. Buxton ~~ A brief Note:
It is a refreshing breathe of air to return after such a long and torturous leave of absence from this home away from home. Upon returning, to find such a treasured treat and example from one of my favorite authors here.
~~ What this made me think of:
A sibling or friend airing out the laundry. The laundry is by no means dirty, perhaps just a bit dingy from wear. After all, who doesn't fall into that trap of comfortability, wearing the same favorite old jeans? This letter written in third person is a reminder of the good that has been done, yet still showing there is always more one can do.
~~Any editing comments:
None I could see the first time through, doesn't mean they aren't there, but doubtful, Judy is pretty thorough.(wink, wink)
~~What I liked best:
I liked the third person telling of this piece. I also enjoyed that the progress of the previous year was stated and then the ways to branch out were included, not as after thoughts, but to show that another pair of jeans may fit just as nicely.
~~Suggestions:
Continue on with the Red Fox series. It is most enjoyable.
Greetings Martin Edward Johnson ~~ A brief Summary:
A list of questions, poetically versed, to make the populace think. Philosophical questions with no age limiting topics.
What if the roles were reversed. ~~ What this made me think of:
EXACTLY! This great poetic piece is designed to lead you the reader to think. The poem is simple in terms and is designed for all ages to contemplate, from the great author and philosopher to the grade school student as an assignment for ideas to write upon. This has such depth with the images and pictures it resurrects.
~~Any editing comments:
5th verse seems to lend cancer as an entity with power, would "its" be capitalized, not sure so I am merely putting the idea out there.
~~What I liked best:
I liked how this piece didn't stick to one subject or genre, but was all over the scope with ideas and their counter thoughts. Great creative thinking. The rhythm to the piece was found in the questions and not set to a beat other than to that of the readers imagination.
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ." Brief Summary:
Heartache seems to be eating Harry alive. He is consumed with the pain and suffering brought on by his last conversation with Lisa. George invites Harry out to provide a distraction for his good friend. Suggestions:
Several times the reader is told that Harry doesn't want to jump and is actually frightened of the concept of doing so. This is never explained. Is her afraid of heights? Is he just nervous about jumping? What causes him to shake so? A little more information on this part, I feel, would help the story a bit. What I liked about this piece:
This is actually a well written piece. I had to re-read this several times to see if I could offer any improvement or changes. I really couldn't find anything other than the above stated suggestion. I feel the author related the obsession with the loss of the girlfriend rather well and realistically. Areas that I had trouble with:
None really. This is a well written piece.
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