♥♥♥This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" which you have recently signed up for and joined.♥♥♥
♣♣♣Brief Summary:
A look back in appreciation to those who have gone ahead of us, leaving something here in return, a Footprint In Time.
♣♣♣Suggestions:
I have no suggestions for this piece, I thought it was wonderful the way it stood.
♣♣♣Thoughts provoked:
I was moved upon reading this piece. The images this poem conjured up made me stop and think. The average person leaves a print in time. One that can effect or have an affect on another. Not only are we leaving a footprint, but that footprint can be good or bad. This legacy left behind should be one we are proud of.
Also this brought to mind how the average person shows greatness each day. By living and striving to be a good person, a monumental footprint is left behind to others.
♥♥♥This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" which you have recently signed up for and joined.♥♥♥
♣♣♣Brief Summary:
The strength and power the family unit holds is brought forth in this piece. A lesson in metaphor to show the support and love.
♣♣♣Suggestions: Although the added color of this piece was appealing, it was also distracting. It was a distraction only because the color scheme didn't follow the rhyming couplets. Change the color at the end of each rhyme, that would justify the color. Using the color to offset each couplet brings unity.
The last of the rhyming couplets is forced. This could be good if you were trying to end on an unfinished note, however I feel it distracts from this piece.
The line that starts with family, I feel should be changed, adding strength to the metaphor i.e.: You have been a pond
Get rid of the and which starts the next line.
For the last of the line I would change it to fit with the rhyming couplet scheme i.e.: When all was over, it was my confidence,
you helped me to regain.
♣♣♣Thoughts provoked:
I liked the metaphor of the family to the wind, giving a hand and strength to the dove as it soars.
♣♣♣Why I rated this so:
Due to the above mentioned items, I felt with a little more work I would definitely return to re-rate this. It has good structure and rhythm until the end where the author lost me.
Brief Summary:
I have just been taken on my first hunt. We began the journey in the spring, practicing with targets and getting re-acquainted with our equipment. The hunter lead me through this experience through to the end. Did we get our prize, or did the author tease you with the beginning picture? Read on to determine how this hunt turned out.
Suggestions: To begin with, I would change the order of the format. Place the picture at the end so that readers aren't sure whether or not the hunt was successful. The picture at the beginning tells the reader that the trophy is in hand, so why read on.
As I read this poem I came across places where I felt the Capitalization and wording were perhaps too much. For example, I will take a few lines and show an adjustment. Keep in mind you are the author, and this is merely a suggestion:
Hints of spring,
mere whispers,
memories re-surface.
Tree-stand awaits,
cleared of snow.
Buck target, teasing;
standing it stares.
Bow in hand,
I climb.
Arrow after arrow let loose
Piercing at the correct angle.
Three arrows,
in a space dwarfed by a quarter.
Practice season.
Dial it in.
Check equipment.
Repetition,
over, and over again
before ever a footfall in the woods.
(This is how I see the first stanza. In some places a few less words are used to create more of a moment for the reader to visualize the event. However, as you had it, this was still a moving piece that had me thinking I may have just experienced my first hunt.
Do not capitalize the first of each line. Some of the lines continue from one to another, with the capitalization, it gets confusing.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the dramatic spacing and emotion used as the author kept us on our toes. The pounding of the heart felt as we waited together, felt clear to the boots. Very dramatic. This kept the reader in the moment feeling the emotion.
Areas that I had trouble with:
None other than the capitalization mentioned above.
Why I rated this so:
I felt this was a good poem. I would have rated higher, but I felt in some places, there were too many words used that took away from the poem. However, I did really like this piece so a four it is.
Brief Summary:
A mystery filled adventure full of new life experiences and the decisions that help us to grow up. Standing up for one's self and taking command of her life. Jenny must make decisions that will effect life as she knows it. Suggestions: Throughout the story the word "has" is used in place of "as". As a reader this through me off. I wasn't sure if this was due to being written in another country. If that is the case, please disregard the comment. If not, some editing on this should occur.
Much of this chapter reads as a movie script. There are many time jumps and subject changes that would be understood in a movie, however in a book, it leaves gaps. One example would be the jump from throwing an outfit onto the bed, to actually being in a pub. There is no action relayed that explains the transfer of location. The reader must stop and put this together for him/her selves.
When referring to Jenny and Caroline in the same paragraph, the author often speaks of Jenny, then next refers to Caroline as "she". This is misleading to the reader. An example would be paragraph two. When speaking of Caroline, the reader is told that "she" is streetwise. Yet the sentence before we were told of Jenny, so the reader thinks "she" is in reference to Jenny. Some clarification in these instances would make the reading more clear.
The friendship struck up with Pete, also plays out as a movie. Without the information in the chapter we get snid-bits of a picture. More information is needed. It is believable that Jenny is shy and sitting out on the bench with Pete because he followed her out there. From that point on, everything is rushed. The end result is believable, but how the relationship gets from point A to point B needs more convincing. Pete is a patient fellow, so the scene outside on the bench is rushed. More talk between the two before the kiss, more eye contact, and understanding. The build up of chemistry between the two should be revealed.
The jump in the church from the party scene to the sacrifice has a big time gap. What happened to everyone else, where did all the others go?
What I liked about this piece:
While reading this chapter, I came across many items that gave me a pause, however the base of the story kept me interested and reading on. Areas that I had trouble with:
To me this read much more along the lines of a rough draft movie script, due to some of the reasons listed above in the suggestions. Ideas intermixed in with story line. I did however enjoy the premise of what I read. Why I rated this so:
Listed above are the main reasons for this rating. I did however enjoy what I read after getting around some of the obstacles. I feel this has great potential, and I would gladly return to re-rate this after more editing is done. BORED??? CHECK OUT THIS LINK http://www.pamperedchef.biz/jennyskitchencorner
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1143571 by Not Available.
Brief Summary:
The beginning of a novel full of adventure and life. The decisions that Seamus must make take will take him far from home. The choices of today sparking the adventures of tomorrow.
Suggestions:
Go back through and re-read each paragraph. Each one contains at least one sentence that is so full of descriptives and ideas that it is actually two or three sentences in one. Splitting up the sentences would make for a smoother flow of reading.
What I liked about this piece:
I enjoyed the picture the author was able to create through the descriptives. This chapter was enticing in such a way that if this were the opening to a book, I would continue reading.
Areas that I had trouble with:
Although the author has a very descriptive way of telling this tale, I felt some of the sentences were run-on sentences. There were several places where creating another sentence would have made the reading flow easier. Why I rated this so:
I felt more could be done with this piece. Further editing would improve the reading adventure. Upon further reflection, I would be willing to return and re-rate this item.
Brief Summary:
This rhyming couplet has depth and emotion. It depicts the departure of the hummingbirds as they fight for survival by following their instincts, as well as a passage of time. This creative poem is metaphoric in nature as well as telling a story. A very creative writing. Suggestions: Perhaps an alternative to the last line of verse three would be "Immediate departure strengthens survival" "strengthens" isn't quite the word either. Still thinking on this idea though. What I liked about this piece:
I liked the choice of wording usage. The way the poem is set, it isn't to be read on a complete syllable count. It reads as if the thoughts were being realized for the first time. A time passage as the migration patterns take effect. Areas that I had trouble with:
I had trouble relating the last line of verse three with the rest of the poem. I can visualize "mankind's struggle for survival" as being in relation to the hummingbird's struggle, but felt it was a stretch of relationship with the poem. Why I rated this so:
I felt this piece was a fine example of the rhyming couplet poetry. The one troubling line kept this from being a five. Upon further reflection, I would consider possibly a re-visit for an altered rating.
Brief Summary:
A song crying out to the masses to rise up and take notice. End this vicious cycle that seems to be spreading. Be ashamed, be aware, take a stand. I am not familiar with the tune for which this piece was written, but am pleased that the subject has found a voice.
Suggestions:
This is a well written piece. Once again this author takes this subject and comes up with a strong rhythmical form to share with us. The author brings to light tragedy in hopes that someone, one person even, takes notice and does something to help.
Why I rated this so:
I felt this was a wonderful song. The rhythmical piece, even without the tune, is grand enough to stand alone and proud. BORED??? CHECK OUT THIS LINK http://www.pamperedchef.biz/jennyskitchencorner
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1143571 by Not Available.
Brief Summary:
This is a piece of poetry on sin, injustice, and forgiveness. The spirit of the poem is one of moral standing. The content takes on a religious aspect, yet in the same time, it keeps to the simple ground. Suggestions: In places it seems like this poem is meant to rhyme. Some of the lines do rhyme with proceeding ones, and others do not. This makes the reader pause and reflect on what has just been read, and it could be distracting for some. Perhaps a unified format would work better here.
Another suggestion would be to shorten the lines, for instance :
They brought her out before Him,
pushing her to the ground.
As she fell she slowly moved,
keeping her head bowed down.
Too ashamed; hurt with pain and guilt,
she would rather not be there.
In agony she grimaced,
while attracting eyes of hate.
"What shall you do Rabbi?"
"The adulteress was caught this time."
The angry mob encircled her
wanting to see her die.
This is just an example of the first verse. I feel this would greatly help the structure of the poem and give readers a better understanding of what is going on. Your poem as it is speaks plainly, however the lengthy sentences allow some of the power of the poem to escape.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the moral approach the author took with this piece. A lesson to be learned here for all. Areas that I had trouble with:
The lengthy lines seem to swallow up the poem. Some of the meaning, to me, was lost, until viewed in an altered structure. Why I rated this so:
I felt with some small alterations this could be a five star rating. Upon further reflection, I would gladly return to re-rate this item.
Brief Summary:
A piece to re-assure a loved one of the continued support and love you feel for them. The love shown here is limitless and continuing. Suggestions: Third line, delete the punctuation, it is an incomplete sentence, it goes with the next one. If anything a comma would be more appropriate.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the heartfelt message it contains here. I don't feel this is created with sarcasm, frustration, or impatience. It is created from love of purity. Areas that I had trouble with:
None really. Why I rated this so:
I rated it a four, I felt this was a good love poem, written for someone special. This wasn't a piece that moved me especially, that is why it wasn't rated higher.
Brief Summary:
A short poem of contradictions and contrasts summed up into one creating a metaphorical tale of writing. Creatively done, putting a smile on this reader's face.
Suggestions: line three, is it "in" thought, or "into" thought? Not sure which fits better.
What I liked about this piece:
I enjoyed this clever piece. The content on a whole made for a great read. Areas that I had trouble with:
Possibly the third line. Why I rated this so:
I felt it was a good poem that put a smile on my face.
Brief Summary:
A free-style writing based on an experience of travel. Beauty glimpsed at different angles has different perspectives, otherwise stated as the two sides of beauty.
Suggestions: I see this poem written in a different light, but still getting the message across. As it is written, to me, it reads as a paragraph. Written differently, I would view it as a poem. No offense intended, I am no expert, this is merely my opinion If it were to be placed in another format, her would be my suggestion for the first few lines and first verse:
Securely fastened,
Backs and trays upright
hurtling down the runway....
up, up, and away
into blue sky.
Ground disappears,
Replaced by billowing whiteness
To me, this has the same content of what you have written, but comes across with a voice of it's own rather than a play by play foretelling.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked the two sides to beauty the author gives. Beauty has a dark side that is often forgotten, and seldom mentioned. Here the author shows us both when speaking of the clouds. Areas that I had trouble with:
I had trouble following the format used. That is a personal problem, no fault do to the author. I think I could follow this as a poem if written in a different style or format.
Why I rated this so:
Being a novice poet, and not schooled in the various degrees, formats and styles of poetry, I base my overall rating on content and how well I felt the author delivered the message. I would gladly return for a re-rating of this poem once suggestions and comments have been taken into consideration.
Brief Summary:
Written for a dark poetry contest, this prose is full of descriptives that leave you with a chill. Two doors, one path to follow, this creative prose walks you through the choice of one soul as the path unfolds before them.
Suggestions: -inperfect, or imperfect? Possible typo.
- " the door theythere lays
-Third stanza repeats the usage of blindness. I would find something else to use here. It is repetitive and causes the reader to pause.
- Verse one, instead of the word "sound", I would substitute possibly crunch this gives the reader first hand recognition of the sound, and they can better associate the word with the action.
-The line "I hunger in lust like Eve before me tasting the forbidden fruit creating sin" The wording of this seems to be a bit off. I have a suggestion for this: I am Eve, before the sampling of forbidden fruit, creating sin
Perhaps another layout for this poem, with shortened lines would also work (just this readers opinion though) An example of what I mean to follow:
Undead, walking a malign passage
to tender destitution.
Crunch, crumbling bones,
beneath my wasting feet.
Demons chant, wanton loyalty
to their diabolical maker.
This is how I see this poetry. I see it as shorter, but stronger lines, making more of an impact on the reader.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked how the author used many descriptives in this piece, but felt it came out more as a prose rather than a poem. Areas that I had trouble with:
I felt that this would be a stronger piece if the lines were shortened. Even though the descriptives were good, I felt too much was lost in the translation. This concentrated, as I translated it, more on the descriptives, than on the two doors. Why I rated this so:
I felt this could be changed in places to make for a stronger piece for the contest. The content is good, however I feel the plot of the poem gets lots in the descriptives. The "two doors" would stand out more with less information.
Brief Summary:
A day at the fun park leads to romance in the air. A fun filled day full of rides and prizes, companionship and bonding, help Debbie to get started moving passed her bad experiences with relationships. Suggestions:
Try to get this short little story published. I found it to be quite delightful to read. The first paragraph seemed a little slow and packed with extra baggage not needed for the story, but then all stories must have a beginning. What I liked about this piece:
I liked the simplicity with which this romantic piece unfolds. Areas that I had trouble with:
None really Why I rated this so:
I felt it was really good, minus the opening paragraph. Content wise there was nothing wrong with it, I just didn't feel it fit in too well with the rest of the story. It was added baggage that was unnecessary. http://www.pamperedchef.biz/jennyskitchencorner
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1143571 by Not Available.
Brief Summary:
Not only a thank you note to past readers as well as reviewers, this is also an encouraging piece. It offers insight and information to new members to gain knowledge from. A wonderful work once again. Suggestions:
Keep on writing. Your fans adore you. What I liked about this piece:
The sincere emotion and encouragement the author lends to her pieces. In each piece written, the reader is able to take something away with them. Its as if the author literally puts a piece of herself into each work. Areas that I had trouble with:
NONE
Brief Summary:
A brief, yet also in-depth piece, on the background of one of my favorite writing.com authors. A short piece giving us some background into who she is and why she writes like she does. This is written for the reader to grasp a better understanding of the author, and to tell us who she is. All this, as only a writer can understand. Suggestions:
Keep writing, I love your work. It is a joy to read. What I liked about this piece:
The honesty of which it is written. It shares a bit of background of the family as well as some personal details. Areas that I had trouble with:
NONE Why I rated this so:
Loved the work and enjoy anything this author has written.
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ." Brief Summary:
Do not judge a book by its cover. There is more than one angle to every story. A lesson to be learned is shared here in this tale of murder, mystery, and enlightenment.
Suggestions:
Many of these paragraphs can be combined into one larger paragraph. There a many breaks where it is unnecessary. Combining the shorter pieces would add emotion with a great impact. The first few paragraphs where it is questions of who, what, when and where add momentum and anxiety when combined into one. What I liked about this piece:
I liked the way the author shows there is more than one side to every issue. Also that life and actions taken often have reasoning behind it, although this isn't to excuse the murder, just appreciate the glimpse of reality. Areas that I had trouble with:
None Why I rated this so:
The broke up paragraphs.
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ." Brief Summary: Is seeing, believing? What has been happening to Darren? This is a well written short story on betrayal and deceit. This short piece can easily be a rough draft for a much larger piece, or stand alone as it is.
Suggestions: The word favorite is used in two different paragraphs, right together. This repeat distracts from the reading. A substitute word would make for a better flow.
What I liked about this piece:
I liked how the ending played to the beginning. It is a tale that comes full circle. Crazy she wanted, crazy she got. Great write. Areas that I had trouble with: NONE
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ." Brief Summary:
Mother Earth has had enough. She lashes back letting all know she has reached her limits. She no longer will tolerate the neglect and disrespect.
Suggestions: She tends to use the "seas" as a source of protection, a shell, to ward off the bad, bury it. The Seas are used in all but one verse. Should the wind play a part in this piece as well, or is the wind implied by the bending of the trees? Just a few thoughts to ponder. What I liked about this piece:
I liked how this could be a metaphoric piece speaking of women to man, or as it reads, nature to humankind.
Why I rated this so:
I felt something was lacking. It is a strong piece. Metaphoric perhaps with great impression of anger and retribution, but there was just something nagging at me that keeps this from becoming a 5. I will have to ponder this and get back to you.
Greetings Kenzie ~~ A brief Summary:This is a fabulous piece written on the career of someone working in a Home Based Job. The details and description included are great. Defined within is the exciting ways to improve one's self,one's business, while still coming back to what is important, the family. This is a well written piece that those just starting out in this business field can learn from.
~~ What this made me think of:I could personally relate to this story. I am just starting out selling Pampered Chef, and find this a useful tool to help me set goals and priorities.
~~Any editing comments:None that I know of. ~~What I liked best:The way I could personally relate to this story, and use some of the information inside, to help better my business and personal self.
~~Suggestions:Is this in print somewhere? A compilation of experiences and insight, hints , tips and ideas, would make for a great information tool for others. Ever thought of putting one together?
~~Thank you for sharing your creative and artistic writing skills! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ." Brief Summary: A sad love poem of deception and let down, that ends with an optimistic line. A rhyming couplet sang by the bard of love and love lost. The story of love and its loss begins a new with me.
Suggestions: Not a single one, this was pretty good all in of itself. Bravo poet friend. A great creation.
Why I rated this so: I thought this was a fantastic piece. I especially liked the ending line. For it IS all up to you, the individual.
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Greetings Nick ~~ A brief Summary:An interesting tale on life and the ups and downs. This was put in such a lyrical fashion as to make me think of a song or a poem. The paragraphs sang as verses, lifting off of the pages.
~~ What this made me think of:To me this was life and the sharing of it with a significant other. The joy of life, the smile.
~~Any editing comments:None
~~What I liked best:The way the paragraphs became verses of a poem for me.
~~Suggestions: Try this out as a poem or song
~~Thank you for sharing your creative and artistic writing skills! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ." Brief Summary:
A hot love poem full of desire and flame. This complex piece that chooses to come full circle, by use of the format chosen, is loaded with love and passion. The touching, the kisses, the trail, and the fire, all driven by you lead to an abyss so wondrous that I must repeat the process of this to continue on. Suggestions: There appears to be a specific format used, but can not tell for sure perhaps which one it is. This is a creative piece that takes the 2nd and 4th lines from the above verse and uses them for the first and third line of the next verse. A detailed description at the end or the beginning of the piece, on the format, would be helpful for the reader.
What I liked about this piece: I especially liked how the author has chosen to complete this piece by choice of format. The format ties this all in as if to say, this is on-going,this continues. This circle is of burning desire.
Areas that I had trouble with: Trying to figure out, just which format this was, and what the basic rules for said format is.
Why I rated this so: It would have been a perfect 5 for me if I had a small side note as to what the format was.
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Greetings Tooolbar ~~ A brief Summary:
The start of an interesting novel. This powerful beginning piece shows promise for what is to come.
~~ What this made me think of:
The making of a good novel. This is a tale of a feared leader. A person who has a story to tale, yet in telling has warned of him doing so. I feel this is a horror story that could hold the attention of many reader.
~~Any editing comments:
-The first paragraph seemed a little hard for me to get around. I felt it was a little to brief in spots, and in others, it carried on with too much information.
- As the man came to the door Gustaf heard him and welcomed him at the door, hurrying him and more importantly his wife inside to the warmth of his home. repeating "at the door" isn't necessary.
~~Suggestions:
Re-label this as other than a short fictitious story, for it isn't a complete story. It reads more as the beginning of a novel. Very creatively done.
- Upon editing, I would gladly return to re-review.
~~Thank you for sharing your creative and artistic writing skills!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140329 by Not Available.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1129030 by Not Available.
equalchance ~~ My Interpretation:
A step back in time, to carry the reader on a journey through the Child Care System. Following action and re-action, the reader is shown not only the reactions of the child through each experience, but the why behind the actions.
~~Suggestions:
Other than some editing points listed below, I have no other suggestions at this time.
~~How I felt after reading this:
After reading these first four chapters, I am enticed to read on to find out more. What is the end result of all this emotional Bin Bag Baggage?
~~Any editing comments: 1st Departure-Introduction: 1st paragraph towardstoward When speaking, many add an "s" to toward. That is an error. Toward is already and action, it doesn't need the "s" to get it moving, many writers make this mistake.
1st Departure- Chapter1: 36th paragraph- "John and Linda were very different tothan Barry and Judith."
Chapter 2 From Riches to Rags: 1st paragraph- (depending on the area of geography this is being written, this word may or may not be a typo, this being a possibility, I will only list this once) learntlearned
Chapter4 1st sentence: organisation} organization (this may or may not be due to being written in another country)
Chapter 4 1st paragraph (the word colour can be a typo, depending on origin of the writing. In the US it would be color
Chapter 4: 12th paragraph: favouritefavorite depending on the country of origin of the story.
Chapter 4: 45th paragraph: "I placed an old jumper placed over them so Chris couldn’t find and destroy."
~~What direction I would like to see this piece take:
I am hoping to see a bright sunshine and rainbow shining after this roller coaster ride of emotions.
~~♥♥♥♥♥Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ♥♥♥♥♥
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1129030 by Not Available.
Kai Magpies ~~ My Interpretation:
A poem on aging, giving up youth. The voice of the poem seems to start out child-like, and matures as the poem progresses.
~~Suggestions: The poem starts out with four lines then at the end, it seems jumbled and rushed due to longer lines. This can be fixed by breaking up the first line of each stanza, into two different lines.
Stanza 7 and 8 seem to break away from the rhyming scheme.
I think the last two stanzas should be reversed in order. It seems to read better that way for me.
~~How I felt after reading this:
After reading this I felt sad. Saddened by time slipping away from the characters. Losing innocence as the time passes, simplistic life is fore-saken for complexity. Is is worth it?
~~Any editing comments: Noe editing comments for this piece, at this time.
~~ What didn't I feel when reading this:
I didn't feel the ending quite fit. It was too rushed, and almost out of place. It finishes as if the author was trying to complet it in a hurry.
~~What direction I would like to see this piece take:
I think this could be lengthened. It seems to begin with childhood, and end with adolescence. Why not carry this through to the death bed. Do some stanzas on marriage, on getting older and missing youth, and then end with death, only to reunite in the sky.
~~♥♥♥♥♥Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills"Invalid Item" ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ♥♥♥♥♥
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Although the added color of this piece was appealing, it was also distracting. It was a distraction only because the color scheme didn't follow the rhyming couplets. Change the color at the end of each rhyme, that would justify the color. Using the color to offset each couplet brings unity.
The last of the rhyming couplets is forced. This could be good if you were trying to end on an unfinished note, however I feel it distracts from this piece. 
The line that starts with family, I feel should be changed, adding strength to the metaphor i.e.:
Get rid of the and which starts the next line.
For the last of the line I would change it to fit with the rhyming couplet scheme i.e.:
~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
Perhaps another layout for this poem, with shortened lines would also work (just this readers opinion though) An example of what I mean to follow:
~ My Interpretation:
~Suggestions:
~How I felt after reading this:
~Any editing comments:
1st Departure-Introduction: 1st paragraph 
1st Departure- Chapter 1: 8th paragraph- 
1st Departure- Chapter 1: 18th paragraph- Un-capitalize kicking.
1st Departure-Chapter 1 : 32nd paragraph-
1st Departure- Chapter 1: 34th paragraph-