This is a lovely wedding vow you have written for a friend. It seems to me you took the essence of love and created a piece this friend will treasure for all time. Speaking of dreams and love, warmth, stability and dependability, this poem though short in verse has a multitude of imagery wrapped in it.
It speaks of love and marriage as it should be, a team. This to me represents a vow being said, and could be from either partner, or for both. I only noticed one small part to make comment upon as possible editing, that would be verse three. In all other verses, the refrain, This, For You falls on the last line, with the exception of this verse. I am not sure if this is deliberate or not, but feel that the ending line should be the fifth line with the refrain.
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Greetings Steve adding writing to ntbk. ~~ First Impression:
Tragedy strikes the family of a young olympic hopeful. The events leading right up to this event are displayed before the reader, as well as the after shocks and what tranpires.
~~Any editing comments:
I didn't notice any typos, grammar , or punctuation errors. These seems to have been well written with attention to detail. The author has taken great care and pride in this piece. It is almost ready for submission as a contest entry.
~~Dialog:
In the beginning, the story seems to be told from the mother's perspective. However this is confusing, for at the end we learn that it is the news reporter telling of the incident. This being the case the story needs some major re-working.
The transition isn't easy from the mother's perspective, to the reporters. I am missing the transfer of who is telling the event, even after three readings. That doesn't mean it isn't there, I may need it pointed out to me, sometimes that is just how it goes. Can you clarify this part for me?
~~Description and Setting:
I was a bit thrown off at the setting. At first, we are talking of a deep end where Jim likes to take a dive. Then quickly we are in the family yard and house, without any transition being made. Does this place the cliff and water in the backyard of the residence? If not, then there needs to be some added information entered here to transport the characters the distance.
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This piece brings out many contradictory emotions. First of all, I am happy to see that you were able to take such an emotional and trying experience and find the good in the situation. Not many people can do this and it proves what a strong spirit you have. Second, I am saddened by the fact that this disease feels it must continue to strike out. If it could just lay dormant or disappear, it would make life so much simpler for many.
This being a brief on what you have learned from the experience, your only show of emotion is that "your life was turned upside down". You go on to explain how this was to be, but I feel there is more to be told. This being about what you have learned, perhaps it would strengthen the piece to talk about the emotional rollercoaster you were on throughout the time.
It must have been hard being away from your loved ones for such a period of time. At which point did you see the epiphany or lesson you describe here? Did it come to you during the treatment, or was it only after all was done that you were able to see how you have grown from the experience?
You are a brave and strong person to have gone through this and come out with the attitude and character you now project. I commend you my friend and hope others can learn from your experience.
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Greetings C.J.Ellisson ~~ First Impression:
A new character is added to the mix. Though we knew his name, we now know of his traits and talents. A werewolf helps to keep the inn safe and secure. A security guard of sorts with talent and strength to enforce.
In addition it is learned that an unsuspected, and uninvited guest is roaming the estate. Who this person is shall be left to uncover. It is an added piece to the mystery right now.
~~Any editing points made:
~towards being the slang term that it is here, I believe we should once again drop the added syllable and go with the proper usage. This at edit point 19 ,32, 62 and 63.
~if were is going to be used as a substitute for werewolf then it should be capitalized so as not to confuse the reader. The four letter word were as in, they were going..... see what I mean...??? again mentioned in #63 , 74 edit points.
~Another conjunction takes the lead as it starts out a sentence, making an incomplete statement.
~perhaps instead of were the term wolf would be better ???
~downsides would be one of those words that do not need the extra syllable at the end, drop the "s"
~~Additional comments:
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Greetings C.J.Ellisson ~~ First Impression:
The MacKellans have arrived and their greeting and welcome to the Inn has happened without them knowing what it was. The experience they share through Viv, all without recognition , is an exploding endeavor. They are in a eurphoric mood and ready to get the party started.
~~ Characterization:
The MacKellan clan is a diverse lot. They have brought with them a guest, yet her presence brings questions to Viv's mind. All will be revealed soon.
~~Any editing points made:
~shipment come sin should be shipment comes in great mistake by the way, it almost fit with the sentence. LOL
~afterwards discussed in chapters one and two, remove the extra syllable unless going with the slang terminology
~ the last line of this sentence is direct commumication between Viv and Rafe, thus needs to be italicized like all previous. ~~Description and Setting:
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Greetings C.J.Ellisson ~~ First Impression:
This second chapter is just going about with the flow, cleaning up and accounting for small details after the discovery of the body. It is leading up to the introduction of the new guests, the MacKellans, whom we have yet to learn about. New visitors to the resort can add all sorts of excitement.
~~ Characterization:
We also are introduced to a regulars. Hired help, who on this occassion wish to be participants for this next group.
Viv's more active evening past times, and her hot burning desires usually kept in the bedroom, tell a lot of her character. She is full of life and emotion.
~~Editing points made:
~towards:words of motion do not need the added syllable "s" to get themn moving. This mistake is often made in speech with this word and many similar ones, like upward, backward, inward, outward, and forward, to name a few. Making this mistake in speech, it then carries on to our writing.
~the first, second, and third sentences all seem to me that they should be one sentence. The second sentence itself is an incomplete sentence. So some work needs done here
Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and creates an incomplete sentence. It used to be taught in grammar school that this was improper, but now is becoming a norm in today's society.
For me personally it feels wrong and is noteworthy. I leave this one to yo to decide. I would suggest connecting the sentences with a comma.
This doesn't fit. I see where you are going with this bit of information, but more is needed to make it complete. They don't question the same name being used for the owner of the resort century after century just an idea there.
~in place of the word move I would suggest the word shift. the whole party isn't moving one room, they are shifting a selection of rooms. Also in the same sentence, omit the word in
~towards.... mentioned above.
~I don't agree with the last line of this paragraph. We are talking of her being at her peak condition when the guests arrive. I don't feel she addresses that need when she turns back to the desk, more so I feel she makes arrangements to fulfill that requirement or need.
~Viv, doesn't really slam any doors here, so this could be confusing for some readers. She is actually severing the link between them. So she cuts off the connection.
~ add the word the before MacKellan
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Greetings C.J.Ellisson ~~ First Impression:
Bravo bravo. Finding the first chapter of this novel, I am immediately enticed to continue on this adventure with the characters.
Vampires who share human spouses, mixed with murder at a remote resort for elite guests. This looks to be quite an interesting read. Chapter one has captured my attention and is the lure I need to move one.
~~Any editing comments:
~towards this action word, or word of movement does not need the added syllable "s" to denote movement. Many often make this mistake due to this slang usage being used in speech. Other common words we do this to are, upward, backward, sideway, inward, outward, and forward, to name a few.
~Whomever or whoever, not sure which is the proper use for starting the fourth paragraph, although whomever does flow easier on the tongue. For me that is....
~~Editing Points Made:
~ when opening the guest room door, I personally with each read through kept trying to add find right after door to . This came naturally to me.... for what else do you do when opening a door at the first of a novel.... you find something that grabs the reader's attention.
~light switches, as in more than one switch for the lighting of the room? Or three lamps hooked up to one switch? Just checking for clarification.
~an incomplete thought is shared here in the fourth sentence... unless it is just me... the sentence itself is strong, but there is no follow up.... The delicious aroma invades my senses and makes me thankful advanced age can allow one to hold back the instinctive reaction to that initial rush. The initial rush of what? The instinctive reaction to do what? Having the husband nearby as a pillar of strength is good, but it isn't shared with the reader just what he helps to refrain you from doing.
~can't have beenas in can not have been.... would not couldn't have been sound better? Not sure which is better though
~~Thoughts to ponder:
~ I am not sure I am getting the simile in the opening paragraph.... A wet blanket wrapped around my head to the rich iron scent reaching the sensative nose. It didn't ring true, or grab me. This analogy felt wrong. The smell is pungent, it is strong, so here is an alternate idea... Thick rich iron reaches my sensitive nose like a field of vibrant lillies on a hot summer's day, wrapping my head in a blanket of pungent aroma. Just an idea.
~Viv, has a human husband, Rafe, who she has a mind connection with due to their mated bond. Explain this more for the reader. This mated bond may be mentioned later, like in chaptet 17, but at this point it isn't crystal clear to the reader just what entails this bonding and why it is so powerful. How is this connection made? Is this explained elsewhere in the novel? Upon further reading, I can see how Viv and Rafe are still so young and together after 75 years, but explain the mated bond more please.
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Greetings Shannon ~~ First Impression:
Written for the Short Shots contest, this wonderful short story took first prize for May 2009. Young love is clearly represented in this picture as well as in the story. The young couple have found a way to be together. By running off together to start their life, they embark on an adventure full of laughter, love and good times. Will this young love last forever??? You must read this story to find out.
~~ Characterization:
This is a story of compassion from many people.
Both characters are compassionate people. You can see this through the desire to leave a note so that the parents don't worry. Not that they won't but the note is left in hopes to alleviate some of the pain as well as give some explanation.
The rescue team have a job to do. Trying everything they can to save a life is what they do. The act as they leave the room, shows the compassion they have.
~~Any editing comments:
I have no editing comments to make for this wonderful piece. It is well written with no errors noted for grammar, punctuation, spelling or content. This was a superb piece for a five star rating.
~~Dialog:
I found the diaolgue to be true to the story and full of love. Both the rescue team and the dialogue between lovers felt as if I was in the moment, a part of the story itself.
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Greetings Cubby ~~ First Impression:
Short and sweet with humor abound this poem of rhyming couplets delivers a message. At one point in time, we look ahead and think upon what it will be like to reach a certain age, often with trepidation. This poem takes a fun look at the aging process.
~~ Characterization:
With the body or formatting of the poem being grouped together so tightly, I found the voice of the poem to be fast and rushed.This actually gave the poem a whimsical and lighthearted sound.
~~Any editing comments:
I didn't notice any grammar, punctuation or spelling errors to comment upon. This was well written and kept my attention. It even entices me to investigate further into this port.
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Greetings Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop ~~ First Impression:
With the first reading of the poem came my first impression. I was caught in a crowd of emotions. The see saw back and forth with the voice of the poem, made it harder to tell just from whose point of view this poem was being told. THAT WAS THE FIRST IMPRESSION
Now digging deeper, I find something a little more complex. I can see I was off base. It wasn't whose point of view, but when in time the point of view was being told. We start out with Frank's birth and move on through grammar school. I believe this is where it stops, however the same scenario can be playing out in adulthood in the workplace as well.
~~ Characterization:
Saddened, annoyed and angered, Frank is not the type to look at his glass as half full, he sees his life as half empty. To where he could find his birthday one of the most celebrated, and make the most of it, he chooses to look at the negative aspect of things.
~~Plot:
April Fool's day is no joke or laughing matter for Frank. Born on this mischievious day, he is ridiculed and teased from day one. He endures what he can, and other times he is pushed beyond his limits and must react. His birthday usually isn't fun, it is filled with jokes and he is the punchline.
~~Additional Comments:
With the first verse, I would alter it just a tad so that the Fool'swas changed to Foolto better correspond with the rhythm and rhyme.
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Greetings Cubby ~~ First Impression:
My first impression and review was at 1500 word count when I lost connection with the internet. While trying to fix this, I lost the review. So now you get the second impression with less humor and more ....me???
I made a meatloaf last night before going to work so that my boyfriend could have a warm dinner, and we could both take leftovers in our lunches. Good plan. However, even though it consisted of two pounds of meat, he just left with the rest of it in his lunch. I was able to grab a nibble.
In the many years of making my famous meatloaf dinners, I would have to say, that nobody ever asks for just meatloaf. They always ask for meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Together these two do go hand in hand, as in a marriage, like this great poem suggests.
You have creatively taken a paired off meal and made it so tantalyzing, that at four thirty in the morning, my taste buds are salivating and there is no meatloaf left to appease my appetite.
~~ Characterization:
With the wedding of these two dishes which make up the majority of the meal, who gets to do the dishes, and who takes out the trash. In other words, is there one that is more dominant than the other? I don't believe so. According to this piece, they go hand in hand, together, as a marriage should.
~~Any editing comments:
I didn't notice any editing needed. I am sure that was worked out long before posting, if such a thing was needed. This is very well written with great enthusiasm and appetite.
~~Dialog:
The voice of this piece makes me hungry. Selecting the romantic concept of marriage, complete with fine dining and music to soothe the soul, this poem has me by the tummy.
~~Plot:
If meat and potatoes is like a marriage, what are peas and carrots? Sorry, couldn't help myself there. The plot, meat and potatoes go hand in hand down the aisle no matter how you look at it unless your name is ATKINS or low carb.
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Well, moving up in the list of poetic endeavors in your port, I stumble once again my friend Cubby upon another delectable treat. This assignment preceeds the last one I read. I can see through this first assignment how you chose a more complex voice for the second assignment. With this piece, again another ironic poem, I feel that version three was the best of them all. So I feel I must disagree with you on this point.
With the formatting of version three, I feel that with each verse, the preceeding three lines set up the movement to reach the fourth line which is the punchline of each verse. I feel this is best represented with version three.
I am afraid I am now unhappy with you at the moment. You see, it is four am here. My boyfriend is going off to work. He has recently bought me a kite, and was going to teach me to fly it. We haven't had the time. Now, all I can think of is going out to fly this kite, when I really need to get some sleep so that I can go to work. Do you think If I called in asking to take a "let's go fly a kite day" they would allow it? Probably not, therefore, at the moment I am a bit disgruntled. You see, this isn't a regular one string kite, hold in the air take off running , let the air grab the kite and watch it soar. This is a stunt kite with a string in each hand to maneuver it. Intimidating for the novice I assure you.
Oh well, I am not really mad.... as I am sure you know, but doesn't it seem like today could be the day to watch this beauty of a kite soar?
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Brian Chase
A short three verse poem that describes the life of an american cowboy. This poem has rhyming couplets which tell the tale of a modern cowboy. There are no editing comments to make as far as grammar, punctuation or spelling. This is well written with ease of rhyme and flow. A great poem.
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Redtowrite
Once again I stumble upon an interesting work of art from you. Another poem, this one on a disease that robs the innocent. Dystonia, a nasty predator .
Here personal experience is talked about as well as empathy for fellow sufferers. The rhyming scheme is sporadic and often times forced. Though, none of this distracts from the poem.
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This is an insightful look into a short isolated scene. What will we see if we open an our eyes to the world around us? This short tale is about one such inident. While out paying for a parking ticket, an epiphany of knowledge is gained by observing the world around him.
I found this to be a clever piece of writing. There were only a few itmes of editing I felt needed mentioning. These are listed below.
~ add the word to in the fourth sentence before the word plead.
~In the last paragraph I would change belief to believe.
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I am not sure how I stumbled upon this, I think it was through the reviewer items on the left of the screen. Once I read the first sentence I was hooked. I live in Snohomish county. It was the best move I made nine months ago. That being the link that dragged me in, I felt I had to see what was going on in this county.
Upon entry I felt a grave sadness creep upon me. Another funeral. I myself have endured three deaths in the family in the last two months, attending the last of those funerals, here in just a short time. I found the events at the funeral to be very realistic and true to emotion. Remembering details whether small or large, during such a time, is an emotional trigger that often occurs.
I found this to be a great entry for the contest prompt. The surprise ending, I had to read three times. First, I thought I read it wrong. Then, I knew I read it wrong, then smiled and laughed out loud, for I read it correctly each time. A very humorous ending.
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It has been a while since I have placed a visit with you. In so coming in the door today, I felt an adventure through your poetry musings was in order. To my delight the first poem I stumbled upon was one that comes full circle. Written with the colors of the rainbow, in order, this colorful piece is a full circle look at the aging process. From child to senior citizen characteristics are viewed in comparison.
I found this to be a nice little read. Simple and pleasant to the eye. No metaphors to stumble through nor complex in depth underlying meanings to try to find. I didn't notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation errors to comment upon. I felt this is a wonderful piece, worthy of a five star rating.
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Hello dear friend mARi☠StressedAtWork
This is a wonderful poem written for a specific contest. The darkness of the poem shines forth in this entry. I found the hole described to be loud with echoing silence. The format used was unique. I am unfamiliar witht the name of the format, or it's rules and restrictions, so I can not comment on that. The rhyme opening for both the first and second verse was odd for me. Though in each verse the words end in the same sound, I found the rhyme to be forced, only my opinion, yet oddly it fit.
I saw nothing to comment upon as far as grammar, punctuation or spelling errors.
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This is a very spiritual piece speaking on life and the presence of a higher being. Throughout the poem I found peace and tranquility arising from each verse. With the alternate rhyming couplet lines, the poem glided down the page. I enjoyed reading it. It wasn't until the fifth read that I noticed the rhyming format was off a bit in the first verse. Corner to grace was not even stretchable as a rhyme. Yet the poem flowed brilliantly as it was. If the purpose of the poem was to be in a format of alternate rhyming, then I would suggest fixing this small hiccup. If not, I would leave the poem as it stands.
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Good afternoon Joy
A wonderful lesson in human relations. This short story brings to mind, several, yes, several similar incidents I personally experience each day with customers in a grocery story. There is much to be said for thinking on your toes and knowing the product for which you wish to sell. Howard Humble has done his homework. In this funny little story his knowledge of the product his new job is selling is put to the test with a rambunctious customer who has a mind of his own.
This was fun to read and a joy to review. I found no spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors to comment upon. Great Work!
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I found a wonderful poem consisting of rhyming couplets here, telling a story of a love and secret worship from affar. It was well written and truly fit the mark with the one exception I found below.
~ dreams form and transpire : for a dream to transpire, it leaks out, becomes known, becomes a reality. I didn't feel this fit with the flow of the poem. A dream becoming a reality is what the voice of the poem wishes for, but it doesn't come to fruitality as of yet. He is shy and hasn't spoken up yet, how can the dream come true if she doesn't know of his feelings? I felt the word transpire was used to fit the rhyming scheme. This does so very well, for I had no problems with the rhythm and flow of the great poem, it doesn't however fit with the sequence of events.
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This wonderful Senryu is a true inner sight. While so limited in wording and syllables, this complex piece speaks volumes to the reader. Offering sage advice to follow this three lined poem gives the reader much to contemplate.
If I am unhappy with my job, why do I stay? If this isn't the dream career I once wanted, why don't I persue my dreams? We limit ourselves. Often taking what we can get, we then forget what our true dreams and aspirations were, and fall into a rut. Bad days at work are often reminders that we once had higher dreams and we should persue them.
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This is a poem of love written in memory of Grandma. Though this is personalized, I found many lines fit for my life, and for my grandmother. The personal tidbits shared about what was missed give an insight into a bit of the person she was and why she is missed. How can you put a lifetime of memories into a poem? You seem to sum it up all into one with the last lines, I miss you being a part of my life
This is well written. I can envision this shortened without the repetition, however this seems to be the route this author wanted to use. You brought tears to my eyes as I too remember the spearmint bush by Grandma's front gate. How we would add a leaf to our gum after it had lost it's flavor.
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This is a wonderful poem, formatted with rhyming couplets, which you have created for your son Hayden. Through this piece we see the love and adoration you have for your son. We learn a bit of his characteristics when reading your poem for him. This is short and sweet and represents a parents love. How can one offer improvement or suggestion on that? Well, let me stick to basics then. This being a short poem of rhyming couplets, lets start by adding a space after each couplet. Every two lines, add a space to give body to the piece. Nothing fancy, just simple expanding on the page. Since this is well written with no grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors noticed, I see nothing else I can offer assistance with.
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Kevin Han this is a wonderful poem and tribute for the one you love. Written on a special date for that special someone, this alternate rhyming couplet skims down the page with rhythm and ease. The lines flow off the tongue a drop of water slips down the petal of a rose. Eloquent and beautiful.
I have no advice to give, nor editing comment to make. This is a wonderful piece as it stands. Continue on my friend!
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