Greetings Dr Matticakes Myra
~~ First Impression:
A trip back through time as one lad gets the experience of a lifetime. He is studying the Tudors, and now gets to visit them face to face. What he finds there and the experiences will last him a lifetime.
~~ Characterization:
Kit is a young lad who has had a run in with the authorities. He reluctantly is placed in the care of Professor McCoy who wishes Kit to be the first to try out his new invention. Though Kit is reluctant, he is also eager to see first hand the subject of his studies.
~~Any editing comments:
~starting a sentence with a conjunction AND or BUT creates an incomplete sentence. Instead, use a comma to combine the two sentences, or start a sentence fresh, leaving the conjunction off.
~when thoughts of a character are interspersed in the writing, they are often italicized to help offset the story. It makes it easier for the reader to see what is going on.
~backwards an action word. Often in speech we tend to add the extra syllable "s" to these action words to help move them forward. However they don't need this since they are already words of motion. Other examples of this would be , forward, toward, backward, onward, inward, outward, upward and downward to name a few.
~he allowed rough hands arrest him and lead....
he allowed rough hands toarrest....
~~Additional comments:
~when thoughts of a character are interspersed in the writing, they are often italicized to help offset the story. It makes it easier for the reader to see what is going on.
~first one paragraph ends with Christopher shaking in the alleyway, then the next opening paragraph he is shaking on the pavement. Has he moved? If not, leave the second shaking out, we already know of his state of emotion.
~ why were the horses invisible? Where they the only invisible things? I found this confusing. Then, when he attempts to cross, what,the street? He is flung into a doorway and goes to sleep. Though in essence that is what he does, I feel some alternate wording here would better catch the meaning. What if...
the velocity from the carts proppelled him back, knocking him off balance. He stumbled and halted in a doorway. Crouching down, he intended to take a break, squatting in the corner of the doorway. He instead, passed out from exhaustion.
~Kit travels from the doorway, sleeping, to the tavern. When did this action take place?
~When speaking of the loud sounds, he remembers back to his own time, yet the sentence structure is a bit off. I would suggest going back and re-reading this a few times to see what best fits for you.
~In the end, I had a hard time following the sequence of events. We were traveling back and forth between time periods, yet nothing was there to clearly communicate this. (at least for me)
~~Description and Setting:
~ The beginning setting is not described very well nor is the time machine itself. We only know that three things are used, and how is left to the imagination.
~The smells of the time are described with thoroughness when speaking of the Tudor time period. Other than that, we learn there are invisible horses and a clarity, is this do to lack of smog?
~overall the setting and description of can use some work.
I felt that this is a good start to a short story. However, I found many spots that could use some work. I have added suggestions or examples where I could. Keep in mind, I am no expert, and in no way wish this to be thought of as malicious critisism. This hopefully is looked upon as one persons point of view who wishes to help.
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"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
"The Treasure Chest"
~~Thank you for sharing your creative writing and artistic skills!
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