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1101
1101
Review of Deeper  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Venton

*Star*Brief Summary:
A silent plea for help, looking for love to get through the pain. This is a poem of cutting and loneliness. The lack of self confidence and assurity are evident throughout the piece.

*Star*Suggestions:
~To start with I would say, always capitalize I. No matter what is going on in life, YOU will always be important and should always be capitalized.

~I could see this piece benefitting from capitalization and punctuation. This would give dramatic pause for the reader, in all of the spots the author is wanting the reader to pause and reflect on what is being said.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
This has a clear message. It is written with sincerity and during a low point in life, yet doesn't pull any punches, and tells it like it is.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
I felt that this could benefit with a few bits of formatting adjustment.



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1102
1102
Review of Spot 52  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with Need Help With An Upgrade???  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hiker Poet Girl

*Star*Brief Summary:
"Spot 52"   by Hiker Poet Girl serenely describes a scene right out of nature. From the birds chattering back and forth to the sky peeking through the trees, this moment of tranquility is shared with a stranger, a human.


*Star*Suggestions:
Im should have an apostrophy.
Other than that there is nothing editing wise to comment upon. This is well written with punctuation and capitalization included to show you just where to pause and soak up the sublime experience.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
I liked how the human was the stranger. It shows the intruder as it really is.



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1103
1103
Review of Elysium  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with Need Help With An Upgrade???  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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LV

Words of wisdom are clearly what I have found here. Two lines that are thought provoking and lesson giving. Taking the time to step back from a situation, already knowing what is going to happen and watch, don't react. Take time. Think. Be. Creative message.

I would suggest a compilation of these such wisdom bits. Two lines is hardly enough to review in depth other than personal meaning. With a conglomeration of wisdom filled couplets, we have much more information and inspiration.


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1104
1104
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with Need Help With An Upgrade???  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Mara ♣ McBain

*Star*Brief Summary:
Promise of tomorrow is a love story that will bring tears to your eyes. Life long friends are faced with a choice. Reveal their secret feelings they have kept hidden for so long, or risk putting great time and space between them.


*Star*Suggestions:
Caught up in the story, I had to go back and read this two more times to look for anywhere I could add some input. The only small place, was perhaps, and this is only perhaps, when Garrett is speaking with the paramedics. Garret looks in the direction the paramedics turn. For some reason that one spot felt rough. Almost incomplete. Each time I read it I found myself asking if the paramedics were moving now or if the paramedic turned in Jude's direction.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
It is definitely easy to see why this was a winning choice for the contest. The story is well written and compliments the story well. I have so far only come across one other entry, but am glad to have stumbled upon this gem of a piece.

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1105
1105
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with Need Help With An Upgrade???  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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StaiNed-:D

*Star*Brief Summary:
A poll set up in petition for a black awardicon. This was done prior to the additional colors, and I personally have a feeling that this great poll was influential in helping with the color additions. The awardicon in a black is perfect for some of the darker writing here on site, and many seem to love it.


*Star*Suggestions:
Now that the awardicon is here, the poll results and a follow up have been added to the poll, which I find is very thorough on the authors part. In addition the spelling, grammar, and punctuation are all in order. All this leaves me with just one suggestion, now you need to help design and petition for a new awardicon for some of the darker poetry here. I am sure you can come up with a few suggestions.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
This was thorough and complete from start to finish. The poll, before the addition of the black ribbon, was clear and easily layed out so that there was no question as to what was being voted on here. Once the colored ribbon was added to the site, the author went back and left additional information pertaining to this.



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1106
1106
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with Need Help With An Upgrade???  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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A Helping Heart Review

NickiD89

*Star*Brief Summary:
This writing contest is for young adults 12 to 18 years old. Set forth to help improve writing techniques, this prompt contest gives short examples through the prompts as well as links to the basics needed for the contest.

*Star*Suggestions:
I found this to be very well layed out. I had nothing to add as for grammar, spelling, punctuation or formatting. The color and writingML is limited to add life and in just the right spots to entice the eye.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
The prizes are encouraging with both an award for the item as well as a gift point compensation for the author. A stipulation on the prizes, depending on the amount of entrants, keep this from becoming a forfeit winning. Authors must work to get the prize.



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1107
1107
Review of Circus Circuits  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (4.0)
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a Sunflower in Texas

*Star*Brief Summary:
Circuits of conducive thought flow through us like charges of physical touch from the sun rays as they beat down on a hot summer's day. This free-style piece compares human to computer and asks a very intelligent question.


*Star*Suggestions:
I found this poem to be lacking only in the way that it rushes down the page. Being free-style and form free, altering the spacing and wording per line can give readers more time to ponder the scenery being described in the poem. Here is an example, minus the capitalization, I left that as it was.

My mind
it doesn't work in circuits.
My mind
works more
like clouds,
Whirling
with winds
of thoughts,
Passed
in currents,
waves,
Wafting
like grains of sand
Upon layers of land,

Life,
Liberty,
and
The pursuit
kinesiology,
A more
physical
theology.

My mind doesn't work
in flashing lines of light.
If computers can crash,
Why can't
I?


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
I liked the references this piece makes to computers. The circuits and waves of current are a good simile.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
As suggested above, I felt the flow of the piece was hampered by the tight constraints of the formatting of the poem.

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1108
1108
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (4.5)
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SWPoet

*Star*Brief Summary:
A poem of rhyme and rhythm rejoicing in the sacred message and dance passed on through generations. Once forbidden, this dance represents a right of passage for many and was almost lost over the ages due to discrimination and prejudice.


*Star*Suggestions:
~In both verse four and nine there is a rhyming scheme problem.
4- in four, the rhyme is just positioned differently than in any of the other verses. This throws the rhythm of the dance off just a tad.

9- ther is no rhyme at all, causing a small dramatic stop to the music. Is this intentional?


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
I liked the story this piece spoke of. The music and dance, both sacred traditions are kept alive and passed on to the point where they succeed all prejudice.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
The pauses created by the stops in rhythm.



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1109
1109
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Maria Mize

*Star*Brief Summary:
An epitaph written for a poetry contest, this wonderful short piece was both witty and sobering. How do you take three lines of a poet and judge what should and should not be put on their headstone? You can not really. It is as they would have wanted... I hope.


*Star*Suggestions:
I feel that this contest entry was well written. Perhaps some added color would contribute added clarity or depth to the piece. After all, light and witty are cute on a headstone, but lets see some color brighten up the room.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
Written with a sing song verse this was charming. I rather liked what I found. I have found many such similar to this in those fun little papers you find in the family diners now a day.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
Absolutely none. This is well written. In fact, I could find no grammar, spelling or punctuation errors to comment upon. I especially liked the added link to the contest so that readers could see for themselves if the criteria was met, and how well.


*Star*Why I rated this so:
A wonderful masterpiece.

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1110
1110
Review of A Restless Heart  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Redtowrite

*Star*Brief Summary:
There will always be a reaction for every action. Kenneth Barnham is about to find this out first hand. For all of his past transgressions, nothing will do justice like the restless heart he is about to encounter. Justice will prevail in her own right.


*Star*Suggestions:
This is well written. I found no grammatical, punctuation or spelling errors. I enjoyed reading the story and felt that it was a good life's lesson taught.
At first I found the transition from speaking of Kenneth to the vacation of the Slater family a bit distracting. I wasn't ready for, or saw it coming, the transfer in characters.




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1111
1111
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (4.5)
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betsyb

*Star*Brief Summary:
A special poem written for that occasion that happens only once in life, graduating from High School. The sentiments run strong, and from a parent the message conveyed is vast and full of hope.


*Star*Suggestions:
This four line poem has a strong message, but I feel some of it gets lost, due to the shortness of the poem. The punctuation is strong. The only thing I would alter would be the formatting. I would change up the lines so there was more space and length. Though I hate to copy and past much, here is just one example of changing your short poem, to one that is longer, gives more pause for the reader to contemplate and think on what is being said:

The Journey of Life
can be both exciting
and scary,
humorous
and sad;
But what an adventure
to be had.

So much to see
and to do,
I wish all the happiness
to you.

May God Bless you
and keep you
in the palm of his hand.

Again, this is just one version of how I could see this poem. It reads a little different than the original, due to the pauses for the reader, since only spacing has changed.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
This was a personal message of love and hope from a mother, written in a way, that it can be cherished for years to come.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
I felt the message did not come full completely due to the four line format used. I feel, formatted differently, and not necessarily how i suggested, this would carry a much larger message. For with pause to think, the lines really sink in.



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1112
1112
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Abigail Isis

*Star*Brief Summary:
This fairy tale of rhyming couplets is of a pixie and her journey to find her destiny. She seeks first the voice to lead her on her way, then follows the directions foretold in the stars.

*Star*Suggestions:
~Each rhyming couplet or pair of rhymes, hold different syllable counts. With each pair, there is also a different subject. Perhaps adding space between each verse would give added meaning and pause for the reader to absorb what has already been told.

~ In breaking this down by the rhyming pairs, I found difficulty with several of them. Lets review them one by one shall we.

1. The first couplet starts out strong. It is the intro to the story. The rhyming scheme is easy to follow and the verse is complete.

2. We have the plot of the poem. What the poem is about is given here to the reader. The pixie has a journey to make, and she is hear asking what her purpose is her in life so that she can fulfill her destiny.

3. stars to far. This almost has the rhythm and rhyme. If the word star were to be singular, then this would be an easy verse. With the pluralization of the word, it makes it a little rougher. I would suggest going back and altering the first line of this verse. Instead of by the sky's brilliant stars how about Her destiny was told by a brilliant star. We know that the star is in the sky. This is just one suggestion.

4.haste vs place the rhyme doesn't work. When righting rhyming poetry, go back at the end, and read just the rhymes, to match them up. If the sound is easy and flows you are probably on target. On rare occasions you may be wrong. With this verse, the rhyme doesn't work. The only sound of the rhyme is the common long A. Other than that, this is a forced rhyme.

5.Variations of the same word do fit as a smooth rhyme, I would however caution upon using this too much. If an alternate can be found I would go with it. Though once in a poem is alright. Personal opinion here only.

6.With this I was disappointed. The only thing I found in common with these two lines is the rhyme. It fit, but it was lacking. With the strong first line I expected to find a description of "what she had never seen before", not a rhyming seashore. It would work if instead, the second line read something like"outlined by a rocky and steep seashore." this describes something about what she found, and leads into the next verse.

7.Do pixie's have wings? So she flew to her destination? Perhaps this needs mentioned before, then this verse would fit perfectly.

8.Again as mentioned before, this rhyming couple is forced and does not fit. Body to softly I would suggest a re-work here.

9.Now the first line is strong, but I feel the second line is only here to rhyme, which it does, but doesn't fit with the story. Fate, can it spoil?

10.Though these last two lines don't come as an easy rhyme, they can work as a forced rhyme and a summation of the story, therefore, fitting and appropriate.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
This reminds me of the journey of the elderly in many cultures. The elephant graveyard. The indian shaman, walking off into the woods to their final resting place. All have a journey to fulfill as they find their time on this earth is near. The pixie knows it is time, she is just unaware of what her journey is.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
When detailing the "colorless place" it is left vague and unfinished. There is a shoreline here, perhaps seperating the color from the vaste emptiness, yet it feels unfinished. This feels like it was hurried and forced to keep with a certain rhyming scheme.


*Star*Why I rated this so:
Though the story and poem has a great start and principle, I feel lots of work is still needed, as outlined above in the breakdown.

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1113
1113
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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fyn

*Star*Brief Summary:
Stuart is new to the area. He didn't expect to find himself in the situation he is, yet he will make the best of it. He befriends the journalist who he will be working with and they make small talk as they ride through the desert. As incidents unfold, the two find themselves left alone facing circumstances beyond their control.


*Star*Suggestions:
Starting a sentence with a conjunction, And or But, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. The sentence structure is better with a comma joining the conjunction to the previous one, or by simply starting a new thought within a new sentence.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
Reading this, I felt as if I was in the thick of things. I could feel the heat, smell the sweat and body odor as it permeated the hummer. The commraudery of the two characters is what often happens in tense situations. The storytelling was one that I will never know if it is fact or fiction. The way it is written, it could be either or a combination of both.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
It took me forever, until the end, to find out the gender of Stuart, let alone his name. This really had no bearing on the storyline, other than, it troubled me. This was after two readings.


*Star*Why I rated this so:
This is a well deserving piece. It has heart, strength and courage, as well as being well written with great attention to detail. The heat combined with the smell was realistic. I didn't notice any errors to comment upon editing wise, other than the one usage of the conjunction to start a sentence.

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1114
1114
Review of heeeelp!  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (4.5)
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fyn

*Star*Brief Summary:
This is a letter sent out to group members, friends, associates and community members in order to help raise funds for release for a group that does a fundraising event for various groups by taking commumity members hostage.


*Star*Suggestions:
It would have added to the piece to have a link back to the event so that those wishing to help out could send gps right away. How do we know where to drop off the ransom if there is no rendevous point for the drop off.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
This is written in a fun free-style way with lots of humor and exageration in wording. The added capitalization which highlights many areas show the spirit of which this is written.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
None really. This call for help was a joy to read. I felt if I had stumbled upon this in an email then I may have been compelled to help out with this fundraising event this letter was designed for.


*Star*Why I rated this so:
I felt this was well written. The writing was styled in a manner that you could imagine a friend communicating with you. Personalization of information relating to the cell the captive is being held in helps the person reading the message see the horrors *Wink* their friend is living, further compelling them to help out. The reason It doesn't get a five, is that as a recipient of this letter, I wouldn't know where to go to help you out, therefor, more information is needed.

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"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor

"Invalid Item

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1115
1115
Review of My Way Back  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear fellow poet piewhackett1

Thank you for sending me here. For the first stop I found this four line poem which has great depth and meaning behind the words. I feel that with so much being said in this piece, that it would be suited better in a different format. Let me show you what I mean and go from there.


Forsaken God,
for all
my selfish wants.

Saddened by trials
of my
sinful thoughts.

Lost in this world
of many
paths to walk.

God forgive
that I did not
take time to talk

This is just one example I could use. Your poem is so powerful and has such packed emotion, that added commas, spacing and punctuation can add to the experience of the reader. On the other hand, as it stands the poem is great as it is. This is all just my personal opinion. Another view would be:

Forsaken God for
all my selfish wants.
Saddened by trials
of my sinful thoughts.

Lost in this world of
many paths to walk.
God forgive that I
did not take time to talk.

Depending on where you place the spacing and commas, tells the reader where to pause for breath or dramatic pause. It creates a whole new depth to the poetry experience. I hope you find these suggestions beneficial in later days. It has taken me years to grasp this meaning and I still tend to myself leave punctuation and capitalization out, as my readers often remind me. I would say for me the most powerful line in this was the last line.

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"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor

"Invalid Item

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1116
1116
Review of Hanging Time  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Greetings Dr Matticakes Myra
~*Star*~ First Impression:
A trip back through time as one lad gets the experience of a lifetime. He is studying the Tudors, and now gets to visit them face to face. What he finds there and the experiences will last him a lifetime.

~*Star*~ Characterization:
Kit is a young lad who has had a run in with the authorities. He reluctantly is placed in the care of Professor McCoy who wishes Kit to be the first to try out his new invention. Though Kit is reluctant, he is also eager to see first hand the subject of his studies.

~*Star*~Any editing comments:
~starting a sentence with a conjunction AND or BUT creates an incomplete sentence. Instead, use a comma to combine the two sentences, or start a sentence fresh, leaving the conjunction off.

~when thoughts of a character are interspersed in the writing, they are often italicized to help offset the story. It makes it easier for the reader to see what is going on.

~backwards an action word. Often in speech we tend to add the extra syllable "s" to these action words to help move them forward. However they don't need this since they are already words of motion. Other examples of this would be , forward, toward, backward, onward, inward, outward, upward and downward to name a few.

~he allowed rough hands arrest him and lead....
he allowed rough hands toarrest....

~*Star*~Additional comments:
~when thoughts of a character are interspersed in the writing, they are often italicized to help offset the story. It makes it easier for the reader to see what is going on.

~first one paragraph ends with Christopher shaking in the alleyway, then the next opening paragraph he is shaking on the pavement. Has he moved? If not, leave the second shaking out, we already know of his state of emotion.

~ why were the horses invisible? Where they the only invisible things? I found this confusing. Then, when he attempts to cross, what,the street? He is flung into a doorway and goes to sleep. Though in essence that is what he does, I feel some alternate wording here would better catch the meaning. What if...
the velocity from the carts proppelled him back, knocking him off balance. He stumbled and halted in a doorway. Crouching down, he intended to take a break, squatting in the corner of the doorway. He instead, passed out from exhaustion.

~Kit travels from the doorway, sleeping, to the tavern. When did this action take place?

~When speaking of the loud sounds, he remembers back to his own time, yet the sentence structure is a bit off. I would suggest going back and re-reading this a few times to see what best fits for you.

~In the end, I had a hard time following the sequence of events. We were traveling back and forth between time periods, yet nothing was there to clearly communicate this. (at least for me)



~*Star*~Description and Setting:
~ The beginning setting is not described very well nor is the time machine itself. We only know that three things are used, and how is left to the imagination.

~The smells of the time are described with thoroughness when speaking of the Tudor time period. Other than that, we learn there are invisible horses and a clarity, is this do to lack of smog?

~overall the setting and description of can use some work.

*Heart* I felt that this is a good start to a short story. However, I found many spots that could use some work. I have added suggestions or examples where I could. Keep in mind, I am no expert, and in no way wish this to be thought of as malicious critisism. This hopefully is looked upon as one persons point of view who wishes to help.
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"The Treasure Chest

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1117
1117
Review of A Lullaby  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings Fleure
~*Star*~ First Impression:
The sounds of the night as the storm crashes outside is deafening. This great poem paints a picture of chaos and comotion as the thundering pounds on outside.

~*Star*~Any editing comments:
The first line of the second verse, I would consider changing to the word thunderous. I found with each reading I was substituting this word for the existing one. It fit better with the rhyme of the poem.

~*Star*~Description and Setting:
I actually saw this as a much larger piece. I could envision this in another format as well. Here is what I did envision:


I lay in my bed,
my eyes did close
To hide from the day's
troubles and woes.
Flashes of light
I see through the night;
Even though my lids
are securely shut tight.

I lay, listening
to the thunder claps.
The coming of rain
bring its tips and taps.
Those soothing sounds
engulf my ear.

The storm rages on
but I have no fear.

I lay amidst the turmoil
in the sky
And drift to sleep
at the storm's lullaby.


In separating this out like this, I did notice a few more items to comment upon.
In the sixth line, change bring to brings.

If the second method of formatting is uesd,then more commas are needed.

Lastly the ending line. I would eliminate the and and change drift to drifting

This shows the scene unfolding instead of telling us it happened.

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"The Treasure Chest

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1118
1118
Review of Crystals of Joy  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings

~*Star*~ First Impression:
This is the story of two girls who through life have traveled alone in their own uniqueness, but now together have formed a bond of friendship everlasting.

~*Star*~ Characterization:
This is told in third person as we see Fair and how her life is before meeting Joy.

~*Star*~Any editing comments:
~ I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors to comment upon. What I did have a hard time with was the rhyming scheme. At first it appears that we are following an aabb rhyme. If this is so, then verse one and three, the bb rhyme scheme is more than forced, and doesn't really fit. Then the fourth verse even drops a line. So then are we going freestyle with this piece? If so, the first two lines of the first three verses have a rhyme and throws the flow of the poem off.

~*Star*~Additional comments:
Though I had problems with the rhyming scheme, it doesn't mean that I have all the answers. I myself could be reading this wrong, and no determined format is in place. If there is to be a specific format, I would gladly return to re-rate this at another time, as well as work with the author to help the scheme come to life.
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Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is the first seven chapters of a novel of interesting twists and turns. Murder mystery and mahem reside in these first few chapters, as we are introduced to the characters and setting of the novel. These chapters are well written and and enjoyable read.


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"The Treasure Chest

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Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings C.J.Ellisson
~*Star*~ First Impression:
This chapter is shorter than some of the others. It gives us an insight about one of the ground keep and one of the visitors. We also see here how Viv handles the boost of power she received from Jon.

~*Star*~Any editing points made:
~Towards a word of action. Often in speech we tend to add the extra syllable "s" to these action words. This then gets transferred to our writing as well, creating slang terminology.

~glans glistens should be glans glisten.

~there is burly looking should add the word a before burly for sentence structuring and soundness.


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Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings Harry
You have taken a time of day that many have fear of and put into it something of beauty. Though I know not what a mocking bird looks like, I can now picture one out in the tree, singing to me. Is he warning me of danger, warning others to stay away, or is he protecting me? Is he calling to his mate, searching for his soulmate or simply singing to hear himself sing? This bright poem was written with care and precision. I could find nothing worth mentioning for editing purposes. How can you improve upon a work which is not yours, you can review it to the best of your ability so that others may wish to come read it as well.

This is a great poem. The imagery was to the painter what paint is to the canvas. Your words graced the page with eloquence and style. Great job!


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Review of SICKNESS  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings Silver Bird
This is an interesting poem on disease and the ultimate healer.
A few editing points to make:

~Philospers says say
~typo for the word strength

Suggestions: I would eliminate the word but for the beginning of the line.

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Review of LOving Me  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (5.0)
good afternoon Ida_Matilda_Wright Help

This is a very good and true poem . The emotional message it rings out is that to love yourself must come first, before anyone else can love you for who you are.
I found the rhyming scheme to flow well for the most part, however verses three five and six all have forced rhyming in them. I believe the message delivered is strong and overall a good poem once the rhyming is fixed.

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"The Treasure Chest"   by ~WhoMe???~

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Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings Kåre Enga in Montana
This is a very interesting poem of beauty for something so destructive. The creative birth and cleansing is a refreshing look into the life of such a terrible occurance. I have never thought to personify something like this before.
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Review of My World  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings Jewel Busy Busy Busy!
~*Star*~ First Impression:
Upon entering here, I expected to find a poem of much larger content. Instead I found four verses that cover a range of senses. Creatively done, this poem goes about to describe how the loss of one sense can heighten the use of others, using an insight of a day to share that view.

~*Star*~Any editing comments:

I didn't notice anything to comment upon as far as editing goes. The content is strong with this free-style piece. There were no grammar or spelling errors noticed. I did find it interesting how the piece starts out with punctuation, but drops it half way through. I am not sure the reasoning behind this.

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"The Treasure Chest"   by ~WhoMe???~

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