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 |   Tales from real life |
| Well, if they're not true, they oughta be! |
| Reposted from Real Fake News: Vice Guys Double Down by staff reporter D. S. Gustin Co-conspirators, bootlicking toadies, and vice-presidential hopefuls have closed ranks around the ample cheeks of former president Donald Trump. But even a bigly backside can't provide enough lip space to accommodate this race to the bottom. Faithful maganaughts are pushing and shoving each other to gain the spotlight for their professions of unconditional fidelity. There appears to be no bar low enough to shake their faith in the convicted felon. "Donald Trump could revoke my citizenship and I would still vote for him," declared Nikki Hailey. "In fact, he could deport my entire extended family and they would all vote for him, too." "Donald Trump could tie a black man to his bumper and drag him down the national mall and I would still vote for him," promised a smiling Tim Scott. "He could even use the rope we bought for Mike Pence." "Donald Trump could date a 14-year-old girl and I would still vote for him," leered Matt Gaetz. "In fact, I'd drive her across state lines to meet him." "Donald Trump could send me dozens of dick pics and I would still vote for him," gushed Marjorie Taylor Greene. "It's not icky at all, a lot of people like mushrooms." "I feel very comfortable in voting for Donald Trump again," said Susan Collins. "Surely he's learned a lesson from two impeachments, an election loss, two defamation judgments, 91 indictments, and a felony conviction." "Donald Trump could organize a nambla professional wrestling tour and I'd still vote for him," said Jim Jordan. "In fact, I'd sign up for the teen age class myself." "Donald Trump could choose Hannibal Lecter as his running mate and I would still vote for him," said Marco Rubio. "There's nothing in the constitution to prevent a felon or a fiction from holding office, and I'd hope to be invited to the White House for dinner." "I would be proud to join Nikki on the first deportation flight of Donald Trump's second term" boasted Vivek Ramaswamy. "And even from India, I would still vote for him. Non-citizens cast ballots for Trump all the time, believe me!" "Donald Trump could lie about being a felon to purchase an AK-47, outfit it with a bump stock, shoot up my grandson's school, and I would still vote for him," solemnly swore Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito. "He could raw dog a $20 hooker, abort the pregnancy on live TV, eat the fetus with a nice Chianti, and I would still vote for Donald Trump," said Kari Lake." "Donald Trump could post a TikTok video of me cleaning his balls between holes at Mar-a-Lago and I'd still vote for him," cooed Lindsey Graham with a coy smile. “Donald Trump could attack my wife with a hammer, and I would still vote for him,” insisted House Speaker Mike Johnson. "Not only would I vote for him, but I'd use the bloody hammer as my official gavel." "Please, God, let me kneel in Hell with Donald Trump rather than stand in heaven with Joe Biden," prayed televangical Franklin Graham from a street corner in Gomorrah. "And I can still vote for him by mail-in ballot. Dead republicans do that all the time, believe me!" |
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